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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, September 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HurtingAndLost,

Try to feel no guilt about infidelity being a deal breaker for you. So often we hear people say that if only their WS was truly remorseful, they would have reconciled. Actually, they cannot know that. I think those with remorseful spouses end up feeling a great amount of guilt about pursuing D, because it's impossible for us to turn off the caring.

But you know, cheating is cheating. For me, it's equally outrageous whether there's just one lame affair or more than a dozen. The same line is passed either way, and passing that line blows a M to hell. Period. And the WS knows it.

My XW seemed completely remorseful, but it was too much for me so I divorced her. During the process it was apparent that her "remorse" was nothing more than crocodile tears, although that's really irrelevant.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
SELI550
♂ Member
Member # 27749
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Infidelity was definitely a deal breaker for me and although I think I tried, fairly enough, to get over it and move on with FWW, it just hit me one morning that I didn't love her anymore and didn't want to. Yes, she did everything a remorseful WS should do, but it was not enough for me and in order to get my life back, she had to be placed in to the history pages as just a "bad choice". That will be her legacy as far as her and I are concerned. I am no longer angry and the best part is, no longer hurting. Once you arrive there and can see more clearly, you will know what to do. Tomorrow (Friday), I will be telling her that it is over and that it is better that we finally let go of each other. My only fear is that she will take it really hard and turn on the waterworks which is my weaknesss because I hate to see her cry. But...her actions led to this, not mine. I leave knowing that as far as husbands go, I was a pretty decent one who always put her needs first and did the best I could to make her happy, but it wasn't enough. This is something she discovered and admitted to a little too late. Now it's my turn to leave the marriage and hopefully, one day, find that special person, but I am in no rush.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Feb 2010
SourCherryDrops
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Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That may or may not be a problem for you. I got to the point where I just assumed that the things I had been told were bullshit and filled in the gaps of what I didn't know with the worst case scenario.

If you can accept the worst case scenario and still want to reconcile, at least you won't be surprised if the truth ever comes out.

I did pretty much the same thing WAL did.

In the begining WW said she didnt give any of the OM a BJ... that sounded like BS to me especially with the two LTA's so i told her I assumed that she gave them all one, and stopped really persueing the question, later she said she did with the two LTA's but not with the ONS's that at least 'rings' true so i accpeted that....

Same thing with them returning the oral... she claimed up to the end that no one did... that it was something 'special' that just i did.... yeah whatever... i dont believe that, one of her LTA's has ED apparently, so shes blowing him off, he cant keep it up and shes not getting any return? nah... I still assume all the OM went there. if one or two didnt actually, well doesnt really change things much.

If you can live with what you reasonably assume is the worst case, then unless your way off the mark, you can live with what she actually did.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OnceInALifetime

Do you have kids? If you do how did you resolve that in your mind?

That is my struggle number one. For the guys that R'd I think the statement remorse puts a boatload of pressure on the BS is true. I just don't get that so my D thoughts only involve my guilt of children at this point nad dont know at times how to get over that hump.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostcause,

Like you, I couldn't imagine devastating the kids by telling them their parents were going to get a divorce. Also, the thought of some OM tucking my kids to bed at night just made me nautious (and still does).

But then, a twist of fate happened that made it easier for me. Not long after D-day, when I was still full of rage (I discovered she cheated with over 12 men), my WW confided to my older daughter that we were going to get a divorce, and told my daughter not to tell me that they had this conversation. I had not told my WW I wanted a divorce, it was just her assumption that I did and that it was inevitable.

Of course, my daughter couldn't keep it inside and spilled the beans to me about their conversation the next day. What struck me was how OK she was with it. Of course she cried and was upset. She was 10 at the time. But she basically said that as long as her parents weren't mean to each other after the divorce, she would be fine. In fact, I think in a way she was even excited about the thought of having two homes. I'm not saying this is a typical response, but my point is that kids are tougher than we as parents think they are. And if they have at least one happy, healthy parent spending lots of quality time with them, then they can do fine. If you can get 50% custody, you'll have lots of quality time with your child (imagine, quality time without WW anywhere around!!!). And if she's a horrid mother, your child will simply end up wanting to spend more time with you instead of her, which I'm sure you would welcome.

Do you think you'd get 50% custody? How is WW as a mother, beyond the fact that she lacks ethics with regards to the way she treated her child's father?

With regards to another man tucking my kids into bed at night, particularly if it's a man she cheated with, I have not come to terms with that. But I decided to put that issue off; deal with it in whatever way I could only if it actually happens. If it does, I suspect I'll be posting here a lot for advice and support.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
lostbroken
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Member # 23940
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for everyone's replies. I am 100% sure and verified the truth of my wife's run ins with the OM. There were a couple months in the beginning when she left out a few details "for my benefit" but we worked through all of that right in the beginning of all this.

I am not naive, but we have been at this over a year and a half and she has been straight with me every since and believe me I checked on my own to make sure. The affair was all her and her issues and she totally just used this guy. She was way off at that point in her life and this has been a huge life changing experience for her.

I do love the girl still and we have awesome times together. It just seems like such a waste to throw it all away because there is so much potential there for us. She f'ed up huge and she knows it, she'll let me go if it would make me happy, I think she would do anything if it would make me happy. So, she is the ideal remorseful wife, right? What more could I ask for other than no affair at all?

Well I still bum pretty hard on the physical cheating part, it is getting better over time but man it just really sucks thinking of her with him. Actually the closer we get back together and the more we feel really connected again sometimes it makes it even worse. I guess I'm "lucky" that they only had a couple encounters and only one was full on which actually lead to the end of it but its still not easy.

[This message edited by lostbroken at 8:54 AM, September 2nd (Thursday)]


Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2009
lostcause111
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Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OnceInALifetime

Thanks. I just struggle with that. I think iw ould get 50/50 becausre unti kindergarden this year i took care of her everynight.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
Mr. Kite
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Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! It took a few days to read through every post in this thread but it was well worth it. I've learned more here than all the IC and MC sessions put together over lo these many years.

I used to be a man but now I've become something I don't recognize. Getting in touch with my "feelings" has not served me well. The only thing missing for this house-husband/martyr is an apron and high heels.

In order to be allowed to stick around and raise my son to adulthood, I entered into the same deep, dark fog the WW was/is in. Now that he's moved out and getting on with his life, there are no more excuses for wimping out(other than abject poverty of course).

16 years after D-day 1, it's almost like we were in a state of suspended animation all this time, like those people that are cryogenically frozen and waiting for a cure so they can be awakened. In the process I lost myself and it pisses me off even worse than all the crap the WW pulled over the years.

The pain and fear of being 59 and starting over again on every level is more than I can bear. I've become used to rolling over and quitting but that's a habit that needs to be broken and soon.

Thanks gentlemen for sharing from your hearts. It's more valuable to someone in my position than you can imagine.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Jimi40
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Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Getting in touch with my "feelings" has not served me well.

Are you feeling hungry? Perhaps you feel like a beer?

The pain and fear of being 59 and starting over again on every level is more than I can bear.

Don't think of it as starting over, think of it as having a hemroid removed!


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
thyme2go
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Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But she basically said that as long as her parents weren't mean to each other after the divorce, she would be fine. In fact, I think in a way she was even excited about the thought of having two homes. I'm not saying this is a typical response, but my point is that kids are tougher than we as parents think they are. And if they have at least one happy, healthy parent spending lots of quality time with them, then they can do fine.

I second this thought. My kids are much happier now that we are D'ed as the detectable tension (to them even) was too much for them to bear. Those of you staying together for the kids -- do not underestimate their ability to detect even minute amounts of tension between parents. As well, lack of love and caring emotions are impossible to conceal so don't fool yourselves. They know.

As my wise older brother said to me upon finding out I was getting D'ed and like you guys I was very concerned about the kids:

"They will be much happier with two sets of happy parents than with one set of miserable ones"

Think about it.

Well I still bum pretty hard on the physical cheating part, it is getting better over time but man it just really sucks thinking of her with him. Actually the closer we get back together and the more we feel really connected again sometimes it makes it even worse.

Time will heal you. The brain has the incredibly wonderful gift of forgetting painful memories/experiences. For me it was the continued lies and deception after Dday which led to the termination of my love for xw. At the point she told me:

"I made up the A story to get rid of you"

I realized my three choices were:

A. WW

B. Lying W who did not love me, at all

C. Divorce

Xw narrowed that down even more by selecting C (filing for D) while I was away in Slovenia/Italy for a bike race.

My advise is this: do not stay together for the kids sake only. It is better for them to be from a broken home than it is for them to live in one.

My DD and I are extremely happy... and drama free except for her high school life!


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
thyme2go
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Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS - OM that she left me for dumped xw within a few weeks after she filed for D and we S'ed.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Mighty
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Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That may or may not be a problem for you. I got to the point where I just assumed that the things I had been told were bullshit and filled in the gaps of what I didn't know with the worst case scenario.
If you can accept the worst case scenario and still want to reconcile, at least you won't be surprised if the truth ever comes out.

This is where I struggle. I can handle the one LTPA and the EA... But, I am highly suspicious there have been several more "friends" that she occassionally had sex with. This is a dealbreaker, particularly because she's lied over and over. So to accept my worst case is intolerable. I have to try and gaslight myself into believing there were just the two to accept the R.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
thyme2go
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Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to try and gaslight myself into believing there were just the two to accept the R.

Be it 1 or 100 -- is there really a difference? I do not think so.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, there is a difference if they're guys you know.

It's one thing to have to deal with xOM you *know* fucked your wife, because you can cut them out of your life and minimize contact.

It's quite another to have them running around as your friends/acquaintances without you knowing it. That's more insult than anyone should have to bear.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's quite another to have them running around as your friends/acquaintances without you knowing it. That's more insult than anyone should have to bear.


So true. I have never found out for certain who xw's OM (Men!) were. I live in a small town (xw moved 55 miles away) and to this very day in every day life I am left wondering if I am in interacting with a guy who thinks I am the king of fools.

If I ever found any friends did her that will be the end of them.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
greg888995
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Member # 29244
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I still bum pretty hard on the physical cheating part, it is getting better over time but man it just really sucks thinking of her with him. Actually the closer we get back together and the more we feel really connected again sometimes it makes it even worse

LB, you hit the nail on the head. I've been struggling with this feeling for weeks. FWW and I are well on the road to R, but I seem to be dwelling on this in my head more and more. To make matters worse, when the A was ongoing I wanted to capture physical evidence (just in case) and borrowed a motion-activated camera. The pictures (stills taken every 5 seconds) of FWW and OM are now permanently burned in my brain. Anyone have that special pen from Men In Black that can just zap my memory clean?


Me - BH (47)
Her - FWW (46)
Married 17 years
Together 19 years
3 kids
DDay #1 - 12/8/09 (EA)
DDay #2 - 12/18/09 (PA)
A ended - 2/21/10
R'ed - 2/19/11

Posts: 540 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Metro DC
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be it 1 or 100 -- is there really a difference? I do not think so.

For me, hell yes. The long term PA she’s been transparent on now. That one took a long time to build to the point where it went physical. So, I can deal with and empathize with falling for a close friend of the opposite sex over a length of time. This was a gradual erosion of boundaries until they were all broken. In my mind, this evidences a internal struggle within her and a knowledge and resistance to crossing each boundary. This is somewhat re-assuring to me to know she struggled giving herself permission; it is why I have hope for the R.

To have that shattered.............. It means starting over again, and she’s just not worth it.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
HurtingandLost
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Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just not sure about too many things in my Marriage or life in general anymore.

Its very true that we cant shut feelings off and not think about everything. Over the past 7 weeks my emotions have been flipped around in every direction possible, and some impossible.

I blew up on my WW last night and she broke down with what seems to be the first "real" remorse since her Fling. She said the "wish she could take it back, becuase none of it was worth this" which I've seen on a couple of threads here. Living in this shit everyday is eating up whats left of my soul.

I'm at the end of my rope. Yeah, I still love her, and becuase of that I am going to continue to see how things go for awhile. Its going to take a lot of shit on her part to get me to commit to anything long term, becuase for me its day by day at the moment.


One thing I've read on many of these threads regarding the kids is SOOO true. They do come out of the divorce in many cases better than the parents. That point is sticking.


I am definitely keeping either option open; If it makes sense I am hoping for the best but planning for the worst. Maybe I'll be surprised but I'm not going to be caught with my pants around my ankles.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The brain has the incredibly wonderful gift of forgetting painful memories/experiences.

I have no words but these
to ponder on eternities.


Posts: 5996 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said the "wish she could take it back, becuase none of it was worth this" which I've seen on a couple of threads here.

Heh. What's always bugged me about this sentiment is the "Oh, so it was worth it before I found out, then" that immediately followed (inside my head).

When they hate what they did because it was evil rather than because of the consequences endured (and I count hurting their BS as a consequence), that's when they've reached remorse.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
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