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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, August 30th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Geez.. It’s hard reading your guys post. I was there eight months ago. The absolute key is to be able to let the marriage go guys.
I learned the hard way that as long as she knows you will just keep on truckin with the marriage, she will be absolutely comfortable letting you live in hell. So she has to deal with your outburst occasionally... Like all women, she knows how to pacify you and manipulate your emotions. As long as she has you wound up like her play toy, she has nothing to fear from you. Cut that cord, start making exit plans, and do whatever it takes to convince yourself your current marriage isn’t healthy for you or your kids. Do you really want them thinking what you have is a “normal marriage”? Someday they’ll be a WS unless you can teach them proper boundaries and that they don’t have to tolerate a bad marriage. My personal thought is that it is selfish to stay for the kids... you’re doing it for your own benefit (I don’t want to lose them), not theirs. I decided I can be a much better Dad if my WW didn’t keep me on edge and control me like a puppet. They aren’t stupid and know something isn’t right even if you don’t tell them. “Where’s Mom?” was a common question around my house during her Affairs... “Out with friends....”


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, August 31st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For myself in my own situation i drew the same conclusion as Mighty.

I could have refused to leave the house, and forced my W to go through at an absolute minimum a 1 year in house seperation, if i wanted too i could draw it out to be upto 3 years. But i decided that i would not subject myself to the torture of living in the same house as my W as she potentially starts dating again. I also did not want to set that as an example to my kids, that they think that is how a relationship is sposed to be, hopefully this way they will have at least some chance of not becoming a BS or a WS themselves in later life.

@FatherofFour, consider this shes stopped paying her half of the bills, how long will that continue? how long could you afford to cover the rest? how long untill the bank calls in the mortgage and you loose all equity in the house, or worse still come out with a large debt still outstanding.

If it was me and she could somehow magically come up with the finance id jump at the chance to completly disentagle myself from her. If she somehow manages to make good, great, good for her, perhapes your kids will someday see some benifit from it....maybe. If not then your not on the hook anymore.

I am faced with a similar situation, currently our house has a market value that probably just covers the outstanding debt, if we get an offer that covers it id be happy to sell.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
oftenwrong
♂ Member
Member # 27822
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, August 31st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to "buy" my x off using every penny in my life savings. It was a small price to pay for my sanity.

I'm not saying to R or not to R. But when you are at the point where you welcome death, it is time to get out.

I'm dating a woman now who's parents been married a long time. The husband has cheated and I can tell you it has screwed up the children royally. They stayed together for the children and I think it has done far more harm than good.

You never asked or wanted this situation. But where you go from here is in your hands. There are no easy choices when infidelity is involved.

Again, I'm not saying which course to take. I'm saying that your current course is killing you inside. Don't let your WW's rob you of any more things.


ME - BSO (35 yrs old)
Her - XWSO (31 yrs old)
LTR 10 years - There can be no 2nd chances


Posts: 995 | Registered: Mar 2010
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, August 31st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The kid thing really fucks me up totally.

1) will i be fucked being a disney dad
2) will my W introduce her to some piece of shit OM
3) Will the awesome influence I have on them stop.

I dont have an answer and to be honest 3 days after d-day I have sat on thsi for over two years.

I want my kids not the M.

So i let go. I had no choice. Do I act husbandly all the time no. Do I get pissed a lot yes. She can leave if she wants.

I am living as much of my life as I can in the current context. All I can do.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
oftenwrong
♂ Member
Member # 27822
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, August 31st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The greatest gift you can give your children is for you to take care of yourself and your own happiness. That has a direct effect on them. From job stability, to quality of life, to sharing positive energy with them.

Happy people have happy kids for the most part IMO. This is the most unfair thing another human being can do to you. It sucks that you have to be constantly punished.

However, ask any man who took back their lives despite enormous costs, they turned out just fine. Their kids turned out just fine.


ME - BSO (35 yrs old)
Her - XWSO (31 yrs old)
LTR 10 years - There can be no 2nd chances


Posts: 995 | Registered: Mar 2010
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, August 31st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess the only thing holding me back is do I really sacrifice my proceeds? Even if they only end up being a couple grand.
I've already given this bitch so much with the settlement.

On the other hand - you're right. It's a chance to just be done. It's only money.

FoF: Keep in mind that closing costs will consume a vast majority if not all the equity. I paid all of my refinancing closing costs just to be done with the deal and rid of xw.

Any financial decision you make form this point forward you need to be able to cover 100% yourself. Do not rely on WW for anything.

Find yourself an affordable (as well as practical and comfortable) apt. and move on. You will find that the cost of the little $$ you lose in the home deal is priceless.


-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 5:50 PM, August 31st (Tuesday)]


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
FatherofFour
♂ Member
Member # 24263
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, August 31st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you all are right. And things are really snowballing right now. If she can pull a rabbit out of the hat and get it refi'd, I will sign over my share and move on.

Will keep you posted.


Posts: 2767 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: MN
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, August 31st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like the best call, FoF. Now that the money at issue is not a big pile, letting her have the liability is probably a good deal for you in the long run.

If she thinks it's a win, that only makes it that much better.



Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
FatherofFour
♂ Member
Member # 24263
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, August 31st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have a court order in place outlining our respective responsibilities until the house sells.

She's decided she need not abide by it any more. She's going to school instead, and so she sees no reason to work the hours needed to meet her obligation.

Instead, she's turning it back on me. I am the one who physically pays the bills and today she accused me of siphoning off money and not paying "her" bills.

Bear in mind, please, we have a notebook in which there is a week by week budget (you do these sorts of things when you have four kids). The checkbook is in the open. And the checkbook is recorded on a computer program. Finally, all bank statements are in a filing cabinet. She knows where all this is and has access to all of it.

I invited her to pour through the books and to go ahead and let me know if she finds a single fucking discrepancy. She won't - because I haven't done what she's accusing me of.

I'd bring a contempt motion, but the money just isn't there. I might bring one any way if she doesn't back off the bullshit accusations.

It's sheer fucking insanity right now. The sooner I get out of this situation the better.

[This message edited by FatherofFour at 6:36 PM, August 31st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2767 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: MN
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, August 31st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She sounds like a complete nutcase.

Maybe you could ask her to have the new Love of Her Life cover her half of the bills.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, August 31st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have a court order in place outlining our respective responsibilities until the house sells.

What happens if you both just stop paying on the house? Foreclosure?
Can YOU try to refinance...instead of your XWW? Could you afford it?

You have options....don't procrastinate.


Posts: 1493 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
FatherofFour
♂ Member
Member # 24263
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, August 31st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot afford the house on my own. I also do not think I would want it - too many memories. A fresh start in a new home is best. It's just a matter of getting there.

As far as foreclosure, that's where we're headed if she continues to not put in her share. There's no way to avoid it. If I stopped pooling my money, I have enough to cover everything except the mortgages and "her" debts. And if we continue down this path that may be the way I go.

She's also started bitching about the debt distribution. Bear in mind - she was the one who suggested the distribution we used! So, when she emailed me today bitching about it I went back into the archives and copied and pasted the passage where she said something to the effect of she believed this to be a fair and equitable distribution of our debts and assets and sent it to her.

But the best part was when she got angry I wouldn't take out a 401k loan to give her "her money" (she's getting it via a QDRO) and called me selfish because I would rather use a 401k loan to make a downpayment on a house than "make things easier for [her]."

There is some serious displacement going on here. The problem is I begin to wonder maybe I'm wrong and she's right. Maybe I'm the nutjob? So it helps to talk this through some times.


Posts: 2767 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: MN
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, September 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not wrong at all.

Do the contempt on her.

believe in you. She is a liar and full of shit.

I remeber reading somewhere where a borderline narcisist chick which your wife sounds like went to court to try to change things and demanded the judge do this and that. She got the smack down from the judge.

She has controlled ou for so long (I know too much about that) you cannot see anything with clarity.

Three things may help you. Do you have an IRL friend you can talk with? A good frined may get sick of hearing shit but a good one will stick it out. You need that outside perspective.

Read the shrink for men website here:

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/a-shrink-for-men-index/

Last but not least as I can tell you are not a jerk but a good guy in a bad situation read "when I say no I feel guilty". It will help you deal with her much better and not take her BS personally and teaches you verbal judo.

I will add one thing. Her being mad is not a bad thing. keeping peace is bullshit. She damn well should be pissed and upset ... with herself. her anger and shit is hers.

Man I even have another one and cannot believe I forgot. When speaking with her think for a second you are in a movie and watching the interaction. You can control it and see it for reality and choose your actions accordingly.

She has distorted reality for you for so long. You have a hose hooked to her.

Until you just dont give a fuck about her will you be free of the pain you live in now.

I am so sorry about yoru stitch and wish you strength.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
oftenwrong
♂ Member
Member # 27822
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, September 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first thing my X said to me was "I'm getting what is owed to me".

Do not try to rationalize their spite. They thrive on control and hurting us because of their own internal problems. Think of the bully in school who torments someone weaker because of their own issues.

You can't think straight because you are in such a toxic environment. It would be enough to drive anyone crazy. Find your strength and become the man you know yourself to be. Take back your life and never look back.


ME - BSO (35 yrs old)
Her - XWSO (31 yrs old)
LTR 10 years - There can be no 2nd chances


Posts: 995 | Registered: Mar 2010
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, September 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Logic need not apply.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, September 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex screwed me so bad financially on the way out the door and for the first three years afterwards that I still cant finance a roll of toilet paper 7 years later. I have 24 months left on the second I took out on the house (now a rental).

But you know why divorce is so expensive? Becuase ITS WORTH IT sometimes. She was and still is a royal Piece of Lying Cheating Hypocritical Hypocondriact $hit


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
lostbroken
♂ New Member
Member # 23940
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, September 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What if your wife is very seriously remorseful, trying everything to better herself and totally succeeding, didn't have any real feelings for the OM other than an escape partner and just totally used him, complete immediate NC, told is wife... on and on... all the right stuff you could ever want in a terrible situation but you still have some issues?

Even though the physical part of their deal was brief and embarrassingly lame it still really bothers the crap out of me from time to time. Any was of coping?

[This message edited by lostbroken at 4:53 PM, September 1st (Wednesday)]


Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2009
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, September 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostbroken -

Only you can decide what you want. Sounds like she is trying on her end.

If only mine did half of what yours is doing I would committ to R. In my case though, I'm being forced to plan the exit strategy...she's got some time but I'm not waiting around forever.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, September 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FoF,

I know it's not any consolation, but what you're describing is the way I've seen most cohabitation after divorce situations go.

I think part of the root of it isn't even just plain old selfishness, it's not accepting (on the wife's part) that the marital roles are no longer applicable. She's been used to you taking care of her financially for years. As long as she still sees you on a daily basis, part of her still expects that, regardless of what some piece of paper says.

My wife's xOM was my best friend for 20 years. When his cheating wife divorced him, she moved back in a couple of years later because she couldn't hack it on her own. He was the primary caregiver for their children (even though they had 50/50 custody on paper).

She was constantly going on about taking him back to court to get the child support she was owed despite the fact that he was letting her live in his house, doing most of the childcare, buying the groceries *and* letting her succession of boyfriends spend the night. When she got knocked up by some other woman's husband, the xOM became the father figure to her baby, and if he made plans at the same time she did and wasn't available to watch her baby, she would bitch him out about his selfishness.

It was really bizarre, and before I knew about the A, I was telling him even then that he was in a fucked up situation. Though they were divorced, she still expected him to take care of her, the kids and the house as though he was her husband...because that's the role she knew him in.

(Aside: I actually advised him at one point that he needed to get away from her if he ever had hopes of dating again, because no woman in her right mind was going to date a guy living with his ex-wife. No woman in her right mind turned out to be my wife, so shows what I know. )


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, September 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What if your wife is very seriously remorseful, trying everything to better herself and totally succeeding, didn't have any real feelings for the OM other than an escape partner and just totally used him, complete immediate NC, told is wife... on and on... all the right stuff you could ever want in a terrible situation but you still have some issues?

Even though the physical part of their deal was brief and embarrassingly lame it still really bothers the crap out of me from time to time. Any was of coping?

I'd tell her she was a lying sack of shit.

Bet you dollars to donuts that there's more to this story than she's telling you.

That may or may not be a problem for you. I got to the point where I just assumed that the things I had been told were bullshit and filled in the gaps of what I didn't know with the worst case scenario.

If you can accept the worst case scenario and still want to reconcile, at least you won't be surprised if the truth ever comes out.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
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