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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, August 25th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..Zombieman,

..keep that 'bullshit' meter switched ON for a while..

..there's always the chance the A has gone underground..if she still works with the guy..

..don't accept everything she is saying and doing as a 'clear' indication that things are good and back to normal..

..reading here at SI has proven that all may not be as it seems and the forums are full of Bs's that have been screwed over more than once by their spouse..

..protect your heart and verify what is going on, especially at her place of work!!!

..we can never know anything for sure..any more..

good luck..

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 66
Her 63
Married 41 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4018 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zombieman - Ever since I caught my wife on July 15, she has said all the right words but the actions speak for themselves. She's in the fog and stilll a selfish bitch.

She has repeatedly reminded me that she has requested the 9th and 10th of December off for my birthday and Christmasn Shopping like I really give a fuck. I nod and say sure but she knows that I truly dont care.

Keep on the 180. I know its hard becuase I find myself questioning it too on a daily basis. But the longer I stay focused on me, the more responsive my wife in denial becomes.

I truly dont know if we will ever reconcile. She has a long way to go and truthfully it just compromises WAY too many of my personal beliefs and values. In the meantime, use the time to focus on you and make yourseld the better person that you want to be.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

zombieman,

Ill try not to be too cynical...

enjoy it while it lasts, this sort of overtly affectionate, overtly attentive behaviours, are all fairly easy things to do, at least in the short term. Not many can keep it up for very long even if they are in a 'happy' marriage. Personally i like a little bit of TLC sometimes, but too much gets on my nerves KWIM.

As for why she is doing this, well thats anyones guess, but id probably lay my money on her felling a sense of guilt for what she has done, that she has decided that she doesnt want to loose you, and this sort of behaviour is her first attempt to show you this.

NOTE: just because she now wants you doenst mean she is also ready to give up the fantasy of the OM... just saying.

For me i decided that i needed to see my wife actually dealing with the A with me, talking about how she was feeling, why she made the decisions she did. Perhapes this was because i wanted her to show me that she was able to self reflect on her actions, to acknowledge the impact on those around her... to understand herself. But also because i felt that was one way to increase the chance that when faced with the next slippery slope she would recognise it for what it was and take a step back.

It was fine in our R while i was allowing us some space to just be without talking about the A's, We had a few hiccups when i started pushing for details about what happend, where she when when... the 'what' details if you will, but my W did manage to confess enough to satisfy my needs in hat area. It was when i started to push in the area of talking about her feelings, explaining to me hw she felt leading up to her affairs, and during them, When i started pushing her on for real empathetic appologies for the hurt she had inflicted, that the R Blew up.

I needed that to heal myself, and to continue rebuilding my trust in her, she was unable or unwilling to give anymore in the R, and decide to bail out.

I dont regret trying R, and i dont regret pushing for the appologies or the discussion of her feelings....

It sounds like your still not absolutely sure just what you want to do, In that case i would suggest giving it some more time, it is ok to enjoy any TLC that your getting, dont forget to continue to concentrate on yourself. Make sure that anything you do is something you want to do.

I personally believe in being honest with my partner. If i was uncertain aout whether i really wanted to offer R or persue a D, then i would have told my W that, that for the moment i am just living each day as it comes untill i decide. I also told her what my requirements were for R, what my absolute must have personal boundaries were.

Still when i talk about saving M's you have to take it with a shovel full of salt... since well i didnt do such a great job on my own... still it does take TWO to save a M... and that a point that no BH should forget.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
FatherofFour
♂ Member
Member # 24263
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BnH - I lived with my XWW when we were separated. Well, I should say I lived under the same roof as her. And, unfortunately, I am still doing it now that we're divorced. Until we sell the house we do not have money for two households. The only other option is foreclosure (which is possible if she doesn't get her shit together financially, but that's another story). Anyway, you aren't alone in that. It sucks, though, I have to be honest.

Zombie - chin down and guard up. But you know that. I hope she's finally figuring things out.


Posts: 2767 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: MN
Lotsa
♂ Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FatherofFour: I just wanted to extend a personal thank you. I have never posted on your threads, but I have followed your posts from afar in D/S as I too travelled the path of in-house separation for a time with my WS and your posts detailing your experience have provided me with great assistance and insight. You are a credit to yourself and your children for what you have endured and continue to endure.

Betrayed-n-hurt: Welcome. I hope your vacation with your family is "drama-free" and that regardless of the outcome know that there are better days ahead for you.


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im in separation mode living under the same roof - god its tough, watching her go out like a dog on heat.
180 works to some extent but having read her secret journal & seeing the fucking turmoil in her words I just dont know how she keeps a lid on it. She is waiting for her world to collapse yet pursues some f***wit who doesnt want to chase because its on a plate from her & then his wife at home.Shes not in the fog she's the bloody iceberg the titanic hit!

[This message edited by deeppurple at 2:52 PM, August 26th (Thursday)]


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mines been calling / texting me a lot the past few days I've been out of town. I talked to her last night, she calls again this morning, had to keep it short cause I'm getting ready for work.

She sends a text saying seems like I'm not interested in talking to her yesterday or today, somethings else is wrong, etc etc. The 180 thing changes the dynamics a bit...Instead of my insecurities ruling me a month ago now she's wallowing in hers.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

zombie.

I guess a question for anybody here who has had more than 1 D Day and successfully R'd, how do you let go of the doubts, when do you accept their behaviour is sincere and not just more lying and crap?

I have not let go of doubts. That would be stupid. She contacted OM after 10 years of NC. So letting down me guard would be the act of a idiot.

I do not accept WW behavior as sincere. I think women are better liars than men. And we men are so easily beguiled that we believe what ever a pretty face tells us. I will never again trust this woman. And will doubt the sincerity of any thing she does or says.

WW are still together. We have fun together. We still have sex. We enjoy each other company. We share jokes. We talk of our day. But I have learnt that all this is possible with out having trust. I would never have believed it before Dday#2. But its true. Yeh it is a 2 dimensional life. But that is not all bad.

Trust is over rated. Trust is what got us all here.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome BnH.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess a question for anybody here who has had more than 1 D Day and successfully R'd, how do you let go of the doubts, when do you accept their behaviour is sincere and not just more lying and crap?

Time and rebuilding a consistant history. Ignore words, watch actions. Judging from her actions, she's "acting" and this is just a phase. Enjoy it, hell even take advantage of it but it won't last. What you are really waiting for is the woman that emerges down the road. Hopefully, she is seeing things in a new light and will continue down that path of recovery. Just keep watching the actions.
Since she's still not talking about the A, you really aren't in R yet. You need remorse (not regret) and total transparency. She has to admit her sins and face those demons.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust is over rated. Trust is what got us all here.

no truer words ever...I trust NO ONE-never again will I ever trust another human..


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I trust NO ONE-never again will I ever trust another human..

I will and I do. I have a new SO whom I trust 100%. We were both standing on the very edge of a 200+ cliff (Palouse Falls) the other day and she did not push me (or each other!) off! So she is good to go!


-t2g

PS - I trust other people until they give me a reason not to.


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me. There are limits as to WHAT I will trust others to do.

If me friend borrows me truck. I trust that he will not wreck it. (but I do have insurance)

I trust me WW to not push me off a cliff. Well. I kinda do. Sort of. May be...

I trust some of me friends to keep secrets I tell them.

So. I trust others only in so far as areas where if they do violate my trust I wont be to hurt. But I am cautious with me trust. And make sure I dont trust to far.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I trust me WW to not push me off a cliff. Well. I kinda do. Sort of. May be...

There is/was no way I would ever stand close to any cliff after what my xww did to me. In fact, what she did to me was worse than pushing me off a cliff.

I trust people - but I will protect myself. For the record, I am D'ed because I do not believe in second chances for this very reason.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

zombieman, WW are like drug addicts and OM/fantasy is the drug. No contact needs to be in place. They cannot work together. They cant' be friends. I don't mean to be harsh. I don't want you to make the same mistakes that I or others have made.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO we can only trust people (WW or any one) to do what is in they own best interest.

So keeping NC with OM is only in WW best interest if she thinks she will get caught. Or if she isnt getting enuf from OM to make him worth the trouble or risk.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
zombieman
♂ Member
Member # 28996
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I hate the fact that she still works with him, it makes my life really really hard, no matter how nice she is, it is a tough situation, I have asked her many times to leave, problem is this is a job for life, the bosses will do anything to keep her, they have given her a lot of time of because of the current dramas in her life eg her leaving in tears one afternoon and not returning for several days - most companies wouldnt put up with that BS. They dont know the details but that her marriage is falling apart. Meanwhile POSOM is on his last legs there as he is a complete gimp and is apparently moving to another country as his job is screwed (there are more opportunities for gimps in Australia apparently). It's a waiting game that I am growing tired of. I will be having a very drunken party the day he leaves, you guys are all invited.

Bullshit meter is definitely on though, possibly could be forever at this rate.

I hear all you guys - give it time, watch the actions not the words. Look after myself. Deep breathes, count to ten. Dont smash anything that is mine

[This message edited by zombieman at 9:34 PM, August 26th (Thursday)]


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2010
Lotsa
♂ Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(there are more opportunities for gimps in Australia apparently)

You must be confusing Australia with Austria zombieman. We're a "gimp free zone" Down Under...


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
zombieman
♂ Member
Member # 28996
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You must be confusing Australia with Austria zombieman. We're a "gimp free zone" Down Under...

You can have him mate, we've got enough in New Zealand as it is.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2010
Lotsa
♂ Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew NZ had an abundance of sheep. Didn't know about the gimp problem over there though.

(sorry - couldn't resist brother)

Just see if you can get POSOM to come here in a leaky boat and we'll lock POSOM up in indefinite detention - either that or he'll be sent to Nauru...


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
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