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Newest Member: ThrownAwayTwice (43226)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
DFWMovieGeek
♂ Member
Member # 28854
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love this thread. I'm feeling it.

I'm 2 months into a possible R, but really have no idea what happens next. I have been working on myself. I am in essence fixing myself not for her, but for me and my daughter. As far as the M, let the cards fall where they may, I am good wholesome person and I know it, and I will be fine.

Thanks for all the posts.


Me BH-42
Her WS-38
Married for 7 years
Together for 11 years
1 daughter, 4 yrs old
D-Day #1 06/19/10 (Guy 1)
D-Day #2 01/24/11 (Guy 2)

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess thats one common thread I've picked up on most reading everyones posts.

I need to work on ME. For me. I am worth so much more than the shit I've subjected myself to with her. Writing it down here helps . Thanks. I'm still riding the coaster so hope no one minds I may have to write it a few times a day


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
romanticidiot
♂ Member
Member # 28655
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not only did we all marry the same woman, we seem to be inhabited by the same brain.

The "working on me, fuck her, fuck the marriage, let the chips fall where they may" thing is working for me.



"When you're going through Hell, keep going." -Churchill

Posts: 720 | Registered: May 2010
zombieman
♂ Member
Member # 28996
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The "working on me, fuck her, fuck the marriage, let the chips fall where they may" thing is working for me.

Im getting there myself brother, it seems to be the only way to face the day to day crap without going postal.

Current WW status according to her...

"I just need time to get my head right."
"I just need to forgive myself to try and move on."

Sound familiar to any of you guys? This is after I gave her a very clear path towards S today including when I would be seeing a lawyer, separating $ and moving out as she has been a b**tch the last 48 hours and at one point last night told me to leave, it is over. Im just calling her bluff and as usual it is BS.

[This message edited by zombieman at 11:17 PM, August 18th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2010
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am writing the most painful shit I've ever written. I havent sent it to her yet (she in Florida on Business, I'm here. She comes back 18 hours later I leave on Business for Park City, Utah)

The cross I bear. The woman I love and who I thought loved me.

I fell for a woman who is broken inside and unwilling to take the honest and necessary steps to fix herself. Instead she shifts blame, responsibility, and everything to me to make everything work.

I have sold my soul to my wife and my marriage to make everything work. And somewhere along the way I've lost myself, my self worth, and my dignity. She refuses to acknowledge her bi-polar disorder, or seek help for it. Instead, she would rather financially devastate us, emotionally ruin us, and physically and mentally drain all of us. I say us becuase its all four of us. Devon, Lauren, Emily, and Me.

I've desperately pleaded for years for this woman to get the help that she needs, that we all deserve, so we can indeed be happy together. And yet she still lives in denial, unable to show true compassion and love for us as she does not even know how to love herself.

And now this. Of all things, she completes the act of adultery deliberately to cause me the greatest pain of all. Why? Why? Why? Why? WHY? Becuase, as she puts it, it was simply a mistake, but we'll work things out. If not, by God, dont worry her Mother and her entire clan willl happily get on the stand and tell lies about me to justify their own pathetic existence.

I pray to God to make me a strong enough man to be the Father I need to be in this time of crisis. I pray for the strength to see me through this mess, and beg forgiveness for whatever I've done to deserve this punishment. I pray becuase I beg Him to let me stop loving this woman, to stop hoping for a better tomorrow. He still hasnt answered those prayers. Part of me still hopes he never will.....All is not lost, but it is her that must take the necessary steps. The success or failure of our marriage and family is no longer my cross to bear...


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HurtingandLost)))))))))

Man, I really feel you brother.
Sounds alot like what I was going through, so I checked back on some of your postings and sure enough!
- 2nd M to be hit by W's A, check
- my stbx is a Narcissist (NPD), with co-morbidity of Histrionic (HPD) check
- am I psycho? check
- prayers to God. check
- unbelievable rages, followed by soothing (over-the-top sex, I love you's, etc.) check

Since she's resistant to counseling, chances are you're diagnosing bipolar?
It's not that important, really, how 'bout we just say; "She's broken"...is that ok?
Di = 2
a + gnosis = against knowing

So really, it's 2 people agreeing they don't know wtf is going on anyway, right?

Heck, we're all a little broken, especially after being "one" with such as these.

It helped me to realize I was being abused. It's tougher for a man to admit it, given the culture bias, plus, that term has been misused and abused so often by the perpetrators of abuse that it loses it's meaning, it's impact.

The abusive treatment, followed by soothing is a technique to keep you off balance.
Rage is a common denominator.
Read here:

http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/

particularly, the 'abused men speak out' section.
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page6.htm
See if some of that doesn't ring a bell...
I found the knowledge to be incredibly empowering - helped me to see what I was dealing with.

A couple more important notes:

- you did NOTHING to "deserve" this
We just made some poor choices for whatever reasons (which is ok to get into, but it would make this incredibly long post incredibly longer!)

- I pray for your strength, for understanding, guidance, and direction...and I do this, believing He answers - knowing it.


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We married women who are emmotional children and have never had to face reprocusions for shitty behavior.

I will act cool and Oh BH will get over it.

Fuck that shit. It is not like you stubbed my toe.

The rosey glasses are off.

Most of us are nice and look past the affair. More often than not our so called wives were shitty to us anyways.

I disagree with the attitude of 50/50 marriage problems.

It is my wife that is fucked up.

My job now is tough love. You will deal with whatever i decide I want to do because I believe in me now and you either grow up or get the fuck out.

Being nice working on the marraige ever did a thing for any BH who has R'd.

Absolutely nothing.

Get balls and stand and take care of you and end all your tolerance of bull shit.

Their is no other path that works. The sooner you realize that the sooner you take your life back.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just made some plans for when I get back from business next Friday. I'm going to head for a trout stream. I havent been fishing in what seems like a life time. Looking forward to it. Looking into joining a gym and burning off some of this stress...


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good point jjct.

I realized that too. It was VERY hard as aman to admit I was emmotionally abused.

An affair is abuse. And it was funny when I revealsed to a few freinds they wer like yeah I saw how she treated you.

As scary as it is it becomes a new normal.

After the A and nothing else will wake you up if that doesnt you grab some balls and say fuck that shit.

The biggest moments will come when you know your are right and dont let anybody's manipulating ways and scemes work on you.

Often I think the ONLY issue with BH is this.

You allowed the absue. Time to be a mack truck!


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking into joining a gym and burning off some of this stress...

I lost 30 pounds after after Dday#1 *burning off stress* at the gym.

Then slowly gained it all back during the ensuing 10 years.

Then I lost 45 pounds after Dday#2. Again by *burning off stress* at the gym.

I am a fricking gym rat now.

++++

The abuse thing I have tried to talk of several times. But mostly the reaction is *you cant be abused because your a MAN* or *how can a tiny petite woman abuse you? you must be twice her size.*

The abuse we experience is not overt. In that our WW dont smack us around. We dont show up in public or at the hospital with bruised and broken faces. It is more insidious because the damage goes unseen and there fore unnoticed.

This abuse is BOTH emotional and physical. Personally I believe the emotional abuse is worse. Because this abuse is the the core of our self. It is a narcissistic wound (to quote 1 particularly inept MC me and WW went to). I try and explain it to WW as rape. OM raped us thru they body. This is difficult for they to under stand tho. The belittling. The degradation. The humiliation. I dont need to say more to you guys because you all under stand it.

The physical abuse is the exposure to STD kooties. And of course the risk of physical harm coming to us by way of our WW boy friends. I was comparatively better off financially than OM. Because I had actually WORKED HARD in me job and me business. Whereas he has just eased allong taking what ever came his way. WW tell me that OM was jealous of me. And felt that I was not entitled to what I earned because he is of a higher social class than me and is better educated. Fortunately. At least to my knowledge. No plans were considered about eliminating me from the picture.

Aside from all that. Selling to the world at large that we were abused is a tuff sale. Even tho it is utterly true.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The abuse is what I've been thinking about for a week and a half now. Hopefully thats a good sign that I'm moving past the shock of the fling and looking at the bigger picture. I've been reflecting a lot on me. My wants. My needs. It does feel strange in a way becuase I havent thought about me for a LOOOONG time. Starting to form some ideas. Aside from the gym and a quick fishing trip, I havent had any other concrete plans form. I'm sure theres more on the horizon though. Thanks to everyone for the feedback. At least I know I'm not the only one whose ever been in this situation (Sorry to say).


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
doubtit
♂ New Member
Member # 28466
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Long time reader first time poster. First I would like to thank everyone for there insight the help has been immeasurable. Don't have time to give my story, but it is similar to most. Wanted to pass on a web site that has given me some clarity to what is/was going on, and it seems to fit in with many of your situations. I am at a point where I want to pull the trigger on D, but am having a hard time due to my kids. Here is the site.

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/a-shrink-for-men-index/

Best wishes and strength to you all.


Posts: 1 | Registered: May 2010
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my opinion all of us, no matter how great R might seem, should be prepared for the big D. I dont know about you guys but I'm not sticking around for another round of shit. Gotta have a plan B. We all know when shit isnt going to work and kids or not you have to be prepared to pull the plug. Sitting here miserable isnt helping them now. Being divorced and independent of the misery is what is better for all if things dont reach reconciliation.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Havent been to the gym yet but worked out PT style this afternoon while the kids were napping. Holy Shit I'm a fat bastard. I used to complete my Physical Training Tests with 75 pushups (2 min), 100 situps (2min) and 2 mi run in 12-13 minutes. My fat ass just completed 25 pushups (30 seconds of utter failure), 40 situps (in about 50-60 secs) and gave up on the treadmill after about 6 minutes. At least now I have one more goal to work towards...


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW. Went to the following website recommended on an earlier post and WOW. Nuff said, hope your women arent on this list like mine is...

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/12/crazy-bitch-quiz/


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HurtingandLost
Hoping for a fat trout for your fire! Would love to be there with you!

doubtit)))
Welcome to SI man, glad you found this place. It really is safe. The link you gave seems to be palmatier pimping (a lot) for bizness, but I gots all these trust issues...
some of the comments are funny.
seriously? SI is the truest and most unique repository of real-life betrayal and "how to survive it" ever.

Welcome here as a hurting hurting heart! Read the HL, upper left - yellow - the acronyms, language, and articles are time-proven to help you heal. Keep posting. We got your back.

99% of the problems in my M arose as a result of her issues.
MY "50 percent" is gleaned from my failure to confront them.
That's on me.
You know, the one with the broken picker.


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lol HurtingandLost.. same thing here. I was once in perfect shape... now I'm mostly blubber and pathetic. This working out thing is however something my WW and I are using to bond again. We stole the kid's Wii and are exercising together. It also seems to allow us to build some "healthy" competition and push each other (symbolic of the marriage power struggle?). Keep up the exercise... it really does help you feel better about yourself.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
zombieman
♂ Member
Member # 28996
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ive come to some interesting conclusions with what I have read here the last few days and a conversation today with a wise man who has been through this several times.

I have to change and become the man I want to be - for myself and for my son. She doesnt figure into this at all. It's for me. If she wants to come along for the ride, great. If not then thats fine because I am stronger and better than ever and I will move on and have a better life.

When I play the victim, constantly spying, constantly paranoid about her behaviour and always questioning her moves, what she is wearing, why is she doing that etc.. I lose. I'm just fucking with my own head, I'm making it worse than it actually is. Focus on myself, I am the important person here, I cannot control her, I cannot change the outcome I can only be a better person.

When I behave like a victim I am not attractive to her, I am not valuing myself, I am showing my dependence on her, I am showing her I am weak.

I can not make her tell me the truth, I cannot make her 100% never cheat again, I cannot control her. I can only control myself.

[This message edited by zombieman at 9:35 PM, August 19th (Thursday)]


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2010
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The overall moral of this rediculous story is that I need to remain focused on me.

She really doesnt factor into the equation. Point proven she's Florida right now, supposedly lost with someone else trying to get back to her room. Not to worry she says, its a lady from her training. Whatever.She's gonna continue to do whatever.

I'm focusing on ME time. Fuck it. When its all said and done I'm gonna be riding high while she's still wallowing in her own shit.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgot to add, by the way, that I took my balls outta the jar on her nightstand last night and they're reattached. Feels much gooder.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
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