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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, August 12th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only sticking around my city until my old golden retriever is gone... He's been with me through thick and thin and I can't just up and leave him...

After he's gone I'm probably going to move to a beach somewhere... I can pretty much work from anywhere so that's not a problem...

During the ex's A I went wandering for about a month... I just hopped in my truck and started driving.... Wound up finding a bunch of great spots on the water... Hell, I might just go to Costa Rica for a couple of years...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5895 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, August 12th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jasper.

Actually your post made complete sense. But may be thats a sign of just how fucked up I am in the head.

I do think the wandering thing reeks of escapism. But really. Whats wrong with that?

If I were free and on me own. I would never want to go to those places where WW LTA happen. I have friends and relatives there tho. So. If I were ever to go there for a visit I would first have to do some mental cleansing. And I kinda think that wandering would be the soap used for that cleansing.

Like I have to chase the ghosts away. And knowing they will never really leave. I have to bury them under some layers of experience and memories.

Wandering itself equates with freedom in me mind.

I definitely would want to leave my old life behind me as much as is possible. For instance. I would never EVER want to see me WW again. Our kids are grown. So I would just go and see them when I know WW would not be there. With mutual friends it would be the same way.

But really. And this is pretty sad. I would probably only rarely see me kids and those mutual friends. The kids are grown with they own families. So 1 time a year visiting them is fine with me. As to the friends? I would be reluctant to share any thing that I am doing with them because I know it would get back to WW. AND I really would not want to hear any thing about WW. That much is absolutely certain.

I wonder what me WW would do if she were free? She has been NC with OM for quite a while now. She did contact him again after 10 years of NC. But she swears *nothing happened* (where have we all heard that before?) Its been about 4 years since that contact.

But OM kids are older now. Not as old as ours. But getting there. So it wont be to many more years before they are on their own. So may be she will hook back up with OM. Makes sense - they are *soul mates* you know.

You know. Honestly there are times when I think I would be most happy if WW would just go to OM and leave me behind. Go fly free little bird - fly to you 1 true love. Sounds like a ticket to ride to me. But life now is like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Some thing bad to happen that you strongly suspect WILL happen sooner or later. I have got to the point of just not caring any more AND am just begging it to happen allready. That way I can cut my losses and move on.

eh. Rambling. Sorry.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, August 12th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But life now is like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

boy ain't that the truth-we are all simply waiting for our WW to do it again.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, August 12th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

64.

That sure is the truth. We now know for certain that if they feel they can get away with it that they will do it again.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, August 12th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What would I do? Its a bit more of current fantasy I could make reality. Ive got a nice retirement fund I know a D would cut in half. Instead of losing it in the D, Ive lately been fantasizing about cashing it out, blowing a large wad on my project cars (4x4's & race car), fixing up this old house we own. Id go racing, get into rockcrawling again and camping and stuff. Im also still young enough to rebuild that fund. What torments me is this is a real possibility... But Im still trying the R.
Ever get to the point in a R where you are more afraid of staying in the relationship (and making a bad life choice again) instead of being afraid of divorcing? This is my latest hangup in my R: The fear of staying and someday looking back with regret. Im rather nervous that I look at a D as this great opportunity I might pass up..... Is it a phase or a sign? Its like I keep asking myself (about my WW) Is this really the best I can do? and I know the answer is no... So should I settle with close enough or keep hoping the potential I see in her will someday surface (even though I have zero reason to believe that will ever happen)?


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
zombieman
♂ Member
Member # 28996
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, August 12th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fear of staying and someday looking back with regret

I really hear you man. Im still trying to R - early days, shes still foggy as hell, still works with OM. Im 32, financially stable - some of my most peaceful moments lately have been when she was staying at relatives after TT (found out by me) or the second D Day and I could see the future laid out in front of me, a future without her. Freedom, money, friends, possibly the excitement of a new relationship one day, peace that I dont have to worry about why she is late or why she is angry that day. none of the BS that existed even before the A arrived in my life. Then she starts begging, promising the world. I see a future where she is back to herself and we are happy. I have a 2 yr old and while that isnt the only reason im staying, I cannot discount it is a very real part of why I am trying to give her 1 more chance - so much goodness to miss out on if I do make that step towards S, would I be sitting there in a year thinking why the hell did I leave or am I sitting here in a year with her, thinking why the hell did I just waste another year. Any of you guys got a crystal ball? I'd pay good money for five minutes with it.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2010
Lotsa
♂ Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, August 12th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we are all simply waiting for our WW to do it again

We now know for certain that if they feel they can get away with it that they will do it again.

The fear of staying and someday looking back with regret. Im rather nervous that I look at a D as this great opportunity I might pass up....

Get out of my head brothers... The same thoughts have passed through my mind constantly...


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, August 13th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lotsa.

We are all the same person.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, August 14th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor, you seem like a good family man resigned to a fate he is unhappy with. And please forgive me, and correct me if I'm wrong about this.

Why not get out? Your kids are grown, and your WW is untrustworthy.

I hope this doesn't sound rude. You know I am S, headed (slowly) for R, so you know I am biased. But what keeps you with your WW?

This whole topic of "what would you do if...?" has gotten me thinking.

What keeps you from pursuing your dreams? I've left tons of mine unfulfilled.

In so many ways, I'm jealous of you.

Now that your kids are grown, what keeps you with her? And what keeps you from just mindlessly setting sail?

All I know is, the only thing that has kept me tethered to the life I have now is my daughter. Otherwise, I would have taken off.

Razor, you are clearly a wise man. Tell me what keeps you here?


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, August 15th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife of 5 years is the most selfish piece I have ever known. She has had, at the very least, postpartum depression since our 1st daughter was born, if not bi-polar disorder, for three years. She refuses to see a doctor for this, as she claims I will "use it against her in a divorce" My response is " I wont have anything to use if you just get help"....She went on her first business trip three weeks ago, didnt call the kids, wouldnt pick up the phone, and admitted to cheating. Came back with the sob story of how she wanted a divorce, then how sorry she was and she wanted to work things out, she loves me she loves me not. Had a laundry list from hell of everything wrong with me but she has yet to verbalize anything that she has ever done wrong. I've been married twice and have never cheated. Both bitches have cheated on me. I must be some kind of wack job or something.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the 'wandering theme' goes right to the root of our maleness, and coupled with where we find ourselves at the moment the thought of 'escaping it all' pushes these even further. I traveled around for 5 years before meeting my W and settling down. An experience i would heartily recomend to any man, young or old.

If we didnt have any children then i would already back in my home country, IF my kids were all grown up... a hard call, Im too young now to have grown up kids, but if i were older then I would certainly involve traveling with what ever im doing.

What i really hope that i will still get to experience regardless of what happens in the next 5-10 years is that i can experience my grand children, that christmases are a family thing, that i will have someone by my side in my golden years, For me that sense of belonging, knowing that those around you love you unconditionally is a quitessential part of life.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper writes.
Razor, you seem like a good family man resigned to a fate he is unhappy with. And please forgive me, and correct me if I'm wrong about this.
Why not get out? Your kids are grown, and your WW is untrustworthy.

Me answer will probably be not satisfactory for you. I ask that you realize that it is me answer and is valid for me. And may be some others also.

I am a older fellow.

After Dday#2 I could not concentrate in me work. And so had to close - sell off me business. So I am now retired. With out prospect of future employment as it would be to hard to start over a new business at me age.

So me retirement is fixed. It is a goodly sum. But (not to get political) the stock market (I have me retirement invested in mutual funds) is the shit. I have lost about 1 third of me retirement.

What keeps me in the M is that I can not afford a D. Plainly thats all it is. Had the market not collapsed I would be D and gone with the wind.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The question I ask my self is why would she NOT cheat again?

Asked her just that ... deer in headlights look.

The kids whatver are not even worth doing a rebuild of the marriage.

I exposed myself emmotionaly since d-day over and over again and now am at the point i just don't give a fuck.

I had to or I would have 100% died emmotional.

I still think of D everyday 2+ years out.

Only thing that keeps me in it is knowing my kids are under my roof every night.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
GeauxTigers
♂ Member
Member # 28301
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get out of my head brothers... The same thoughts have passed through my mind constantly...

Wow, I've avoided ICR due to the "scary" threads with all those pages, but it looks like I've found some like-minded souls. I could have written half the posts I've read so far...


Sigh... how did I end up here?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Nashville
zombieman
♂ Member
Member # 28996
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys, I just feel so screwed at the moment, have had some pretty terrible arguments with WW over the last few days to the point where it just seems pointless but yet we keep trying, it's like neither of us just want to call it game over. She blames me for pretty much everything including making her have an A - anytime anything is brought up she just blameshifts worse than ever. She just wants me to put a happy face on and fix what was wrong in our marriage as that is the issue 'just show me you are happy, I cant live with you when you are so angry/depressed/sad', the A is no longer anything to even think about according to her. It's over and he will leave her work soon and be out of our life. I just feel sick about what she has done and what she continues to do - treating me like shit, blaming, critisicing - insulting my parenting abilities, the list goes on and on. I feel like im not a priority in her life, just someone whos there when she comes home and babysits and brings money in, if I behave and make sure everything in her life is as she wants it maybe I will get a bit of love thrown my way, I feel like a total doormat.

Her anwsers to why she had the A are because ol zombieman gave up on the marriage, because she thought I would never know. It's everybodies fault but her own, it's my fault, it's OMs fault, Its OMs W fault.

This shit just doesnt seem right! I just have no idea what to do, I want to hate her - but I dont, I still cant wait to see her everyday, I wait for her emails, I go home positive and then the crap hits the fan and we argue all night.
I'm not getting over what she has done, I have moments everyday where I just want to get a million miles away from her and then I have moments where I see my faults and what I can do to fix things to make our life good and then I remember she f**ked some other guy and im back to square one. Its just a continuous loop.

I had to or I would have 100% died emmotional.

How do you live like this? Do you just avoid conversation with her? Are you happy?

How do you guys go on, have any of your WW woken up one day and actually given a shit? How do you get to the point where you just trust her again, in my case POSOM is just an instant message away in the office. How do I try to do this and not go mad?

[This message edited by zombieman at 9:39 PM, August 16th (Monday)]


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2010
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zombieman,
I just wish the selfish bitch would wake up & see the damage she has caused & give a fucking shit about me; but then only one of us is the responsible adult.
As you do - I go home each nite put on the happy face for the kids & suck it up big time. I keep my mouth shut to avoid the conflict but if im laying the law down with the kids i make sure the message has an arrow for her too.
Only she can choose to change!


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So me retirement is fixed. It is a goodly sum. But (not to get political) the stock market (I have me retirement invested in mutual funds) is the shit. I have lost about 1 third of me retirement.

What keeps me in the M is that I can not afford a D. Plainly thats all it is. Had the market not collapsed I would be D and gone with the wind.

Thanks for your candor, Razor. Hope retirement is enjoyable nonetheless. I hear you on the economy (politics aside), and I hate to hear you were hit so hard.

I guess I'm learning that it's never as easy as just dropping out and going it alone. We all have lives and responsibilities, and it's never a good time to be on the business end of an affair.

Her anwsers to why she had the A are because ol zombieman gave up on the marriage, because she thought I would never know. It's everybodies fault but her own, it's my fault, it's OMs fault, Its OMs W fault.

Zombieman, this feels so similar. I am 4 months down the road, and WW and I are civil (amicable even), but she's never, ever acknowledged how totally at fault she was for the A. I suspect she still may think it was just a "symptom" of their mutual unhappiness.

She may give a shit about what she did to our family (and OM's family who were our closest friends), but she doesn't acknowledge it.

I'm not the best guy to give you advice about this. My WW actually chose to leave and be with the OM (who left her and returned to his family). There are many other guys on this site (and in this thread) who are reconciling with their wives, and can tell you what to expect.

What I can tell you about is what you can expect as a single dad. It's not as bad as you'd expect. It's actually pretty good, depending on how you resolve your relationship with the WW.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have found that writing things down in letter form or emails helps me articulate what the hell I'm trying to say to my cheating wife much better than acting like the stuttering monkey in a freakin circus. SO, I ask her details, trying to get to the WHY more than anything else, and she gets defensive.

Her take on everything is that she wants to work on things, and why am I still dwelling on the past (like 4 freakin weeks is the past for GODS SAKE!).

Her idea of working on things is burying it, sugar coating it, and screwing me silly. Yeah, great job. I've forgotten everything already.....what a selfish B%$ch


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
Lotsa
♂ Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HurtingandLost:

I must be some kind of wack job or something.

You are not the one with the problem. Your WW sounds like she is the one with a "laundry list of issues". This coupled with the fact that she refuses to get help is the problem. Not you my friend.

why am I still dwelling on the past

If it was only that easy, right? It's as if we should be grateful that our WS's want to work on things. That we are somehow indebted to them. That even though they had an A, the fact that they still want to be with us and "work on things" we should just forget about it all. Crazymaking that's what it is... Don't buy into it.

I ask her details, trying to get to the WHY more than anything else, and she gets defensive.

Given how close you are to DD and your WW's refusal to engage in any form of assistance for her issues, I doubt she is capable of the true and genuine introspection that is required to be able to answer this fundamental question.

Hang in there brother...


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, August 17th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to be a downer in here, but I suspect that the rate of R between a BH and a WW is significantly lower that BW and WH.

Why? Cuase most of our WW's have completely checked out emotionally from the M even before they start their A's...

Not saying it fits every situation, or that no BH makes it back to greener pastures with his WW. but they are pretty few and far between.

I thought i was bucking the trend for a long while, until i found out that FWW as i was calling her then hadnt really re-commited to the M at all.

I think she was frozen in the spotlight for the first few months, and tried to maintain the status quo, which meant telling me that she wanted to R, making a half hearted attempt at R whilst wallowing in her own self pity, only eventually to eventually realise that she was not willing to do the things that i was asking, i was needing in R... you know hard stuff like appologising, showing empathy, and being honest.

Ive been really fighting the urge to write her a closing letter, I know that it almost certainly wont bring the result that i hope for, but i have this growing feeling that i need to write it as much for my own sake as for hers. I want to have the feeling that i always gave it my best.

Ive stopped practicing the 180 as now that Ive moved out i dont have that much interaction anyway, and besides the topic stays pretty close to kids or finances now. So because we never talk A or about whats happening now i though i wanted to at least have the chance to say all the things that i have bit my toungue on in the past, things that bother me now, one final attempt if you may to try and help her at least realise what she has done.

Ive also been plagued with all sorts of doubts about just what she has been upto since ive moved out, non of my business i know... but... i havent learnt to not care yet. So i wonder if she really went where she said she did, i wonder if she isnt starting something up with someone shes just meet....

And to top it all off im having rather lucid nightmares with a very strong revenge theme, both explicit and violent... argh.

i didnt even get to chose the red pill or the blue, can i at least wake up now?


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

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