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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
teedoff
♂ Member
Member # 29152
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys, this thread is really excellent. I have just spent the better part of 2 evenings reading it and it has made me feel much better.

I have nothing to add really, it is just nice to get an all male perspective on this shit we are all dealing with.


Me: 39

STBXW: 37

3 daughters: 12, 10 and 6

This sucks, but I deserve better. To my future significant other, trust is the best quality you can have. Period.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Mid Atlantic
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, August 4th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not owning their own shit:

I know that this is old news to you guys, but it honestly amazes me how similar our WWs are to each other. It's like they read from the same script.

Yesterday, I calmly said, "I feel like there is a wall between us. I have been waiting for 6 months for you to open a window."

To which she blurted out, "Look, we talked about all of this [infidelity] stuff months ago. I mean we spent hours talking about it. I don't want to go back there again."

I silently looked her in the eyes.

She said, "And besides, don't I get any credit for not actually doing anything with him? [According to her, it was just an EA, not a PA. But of course, he stopped the A, not her.]

I said, "I guess I don't believe you."

She was outraged. "What? You don't believe me that I didn't actually do anything?"

And then she stormed off.

She hasn't talked to me since.

I am actually enjoying this. It shows that I have made some progress in the past six months. In the old days, I would have run after her and begged her to forgive me. I would have said anything to get her to be in relationship with me again.

Now I have the strength to wait, do my own thing, and not have to be in a relationship.

I am going to sit back and wait. In about a week, she will come back and want to continue the conversation.


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, August 4th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep it certainly pokes a big old hole in the belief that our WW's were something special.

and it shows us that their belief that their 'Romance' was something special too, is just as flawed.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, August 4th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still get the same shit, 2 1/2 yrs later jnsgold-"nothing happened".

OK she calls/texts this guy(who has a SO live-in)daily at 5:00pm(she works in same bldg), she's late coming home on those days, this goes on for six months, but somehow I am supposed to suspend belief & "nothing happened" all that time? Admits to drinking w/him in his car, but "nothing happened"

Or OMM, whom she invited to her office while it was empty, & she admits to making out with twice. But they stopped there. Or the night she was w/OMM but never came home, she was too drunk to remember anything, but(ready for it?) "nothing happened"...

it amazing how similar they all are. Gets mad cause I don't buy her bullshit.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
awakening1
♂ Member
Member # 27360
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 4th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EAs count too. Maybe even moreso for women.

I remember, in law school, falling hard for a woman with a long-distance boyfriend. She was beautiful, perfect features, with blond hair and blue eyes, and she fell for me as well. Even took me to her parents' house for dinner. Still, she wouldn't let said boyfriend go. Ultimately, we got naked in her apartment, and while we were messing around, he called and left a message. I stopped in my tracks, and we stopped seeing each other.

A year or so later, she got engaged to this guy. I remember her trying to rekindle a bit, and me saying we never really were anything in the first place. I thinking what we shared was nothing because I focused on the physical. She was startled, and confused that I did so, because she focused on the mental and emotional.

WWs get that difference; they just try to use it to their advantage.

[This message edited by awakening1 at 2:07 PM, August 5th (Thursday)]


Me: BH, 43
Her: WW, 41
Kids: 2 (9 and 6)
D-Day: 11/21/09. WW tried to bust up another marriage, but got dumped. OM/St. MF apparently wasn't so saintly after all.
Drafted S papers in 1/10. Filed in 1/12. Court date set for 1/13.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Northern VA
Crushedjsj
♂ Member
Member # 28313
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, August 4th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember while the TT was coming out over a week before finding out what really happend (from OM) my wife had told me we just fondled each in the car one time.

I was like ummmm at our aged fondeling just leads to one thing. She said I swear that was it.

One day later the OM tells me they have been seeing each other for an entire year emotionaly and physically.


BH me
WW her (crushedhim)

OM- who cares

dday Feb 26....Occured for 1 year

Seperated. June 23 2010

I do not want R. I want my sanity back.


Posts: 119 | Registered: Apr 2010
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, August 5th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yup we say it over and over and over again here on SI. Its the lies that nail the coffin shut, lies and TT killed far more M's than the act of infidelity itself.

Look around in JFO How many new BS's do we see that say the infidelity is a dealbreaker from day 1... there are a few but the vast majority dont. Yet a good percentage of us end up in D&S

Its allways the same, they expect us to believe a bunch of nonsense that wouldnt make sense to a 13yo. Sure we meet at his office every second week for a year but we only had sex 3 times... ORLY? Ok we had sex a lot but i never gave any oral... ORLY? Well ok i gave oral but he never gave me oral... You know what at this point i dont really care anymore, I just assume the worst.

I didnt really care who gave who oral, for fucks sake its not really all that importnat when placed beside the fact that she was cheating on me with multiple men over several years...a bit of oral makes bugger all difference.

BUT the willingness to be open and hones, to answer questions truthfully, well that might just make all the difference in the world.

At the end of the day, its not the BS's trust issues that are causing the problem here, it is the WS's trust issues. They dont trust their BS with the truth.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, August 5th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the end of the day, its not the BS's trust issues that are causing the problem here, it is the WS's trust issues. They dont trust their BS with the truth.

very well said, SCD


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, August 9th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allot of new BH joining lately. Must be the season.

Bumping for them.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3074 | Registered: Sep 2007
zombieman
♂ Member
Member # 28996
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, August 9th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look, we talked about all of this [infidelity] stuff months ago. I mean we spent hours talking about it. I don't want to go back there again

It's incredible really, do they all get the same memo on behavior after being caught? What is it with their psyche that they cant just let it all out and own it? Stubbornness, pride, guilt? With my WW I get the feeling that it is just total aversion to admitting she has failed at something - our marriage, it should have been my fault that things suck so much, im the 'insert blame shifting excuse here'.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2010
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, August 9th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fellas, I've missed this thread and wanted to check back in. I've been floating in limbo-land for a while. I'm way out of NC with my WW, but with no desire to R. I think I enjoy being single, but I might just be numb.

WW tagged along with DD and me to a beach weekend a few weeks ago, and we co-hosted DD's birthday party this past weekend. I've got no desire to R (and I don't think she does either), but I've taken no steps to move forward with D.

It's just inertia. I posted about this in D/S, but I'm just sort of free-floating. I've stopped being pissed, and I've stopped punishing my WW (for the most part). She still tries, occasionally, to treat me like one of her best girlfriends, and that's where I draw the line. Beyond that, I'm pretty friendly, and really not that angry.

I'm freaked out by my lack of emotion. I try to get myself pissed off, and it doesn't work. I guess I shouldn't be upset about it. Who wants to be angry? But it still freaks me out.

Anyway, that's me these days. Anyone else hit this place? I've heard about the Plane of Lethal Flatness, but does that really apply when you are not going for R?

And SCD. Hope you are doing well, brother. Sorry to hear about your situation. You are a stand-up guy and you have done everything you can do to keep your family intact. D isn't the end of the world. You will be surprised by how resilient your kids are. I'm sure you already have been. Of course, they won't love the situation, but they will adjust to it better than we do.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, August 10th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think numbing of emotions is normal. No one can remain at that level of intensity for very long. So its normal that they shut down for awhile.

Also because you are not R with you WW. This detachment seems a good thing to me. You are insulating you self so that you wont be hurt by WW any more.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3074 | Registered: Sep 2007
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, August 10th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With my WW I get the feeling that it is just total aversion to admitting she has failed at something - our marriage, it should have been my fault that things suck so much, im the 'insert blame shifting excuse here'.

we all married the same fucking woman...everything's my fault, from the gulf oil spill to my kids, all my fault. If a man speaks in the forest & no one is around, is he still wrong?

Jasper, I think the numbing is normal, for me it seems permanent. I just no longer give a shit about marriage, women, feelings, etc.

I think that's a good thing, as buying into the great marriage/we are a team bullshit/us agin the world didn't do much for me, it seems.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, August 10th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A lot of new guys up top. It got me wondering about this time of year. It was mid July that she made the decision to move in with him.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, August 10th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With my WW I get the feeling that it is just total aversion to admitting she has failed at something - our marriage, it should have been my fault that things suck so much, im the 'insert blame shifting excuse here'.

we all married the same fucking woman...

Metaphorically speaking, yes, we did. We have all heard the same rhetoric.

A lot of new guys up top. It got me wondering about this time of year. It was mid July that she made the decision to move in with him.

I don't wonder. I first started suspecting something was up early in June -- it took be until October to gather the evidence/proof I needed to confront her. Then again, I have heard via the grapevine that it was going on much longer than I knew about... and with more guys than even I was aware of.

Chins up , bros!


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, August 10th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok. so are we all OM of the same singular WW? that girl gets around.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3074 | Registered: Sep 2007
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, August 10th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotta be the summertime-June was the month WW started calling/texting OM #1, by Oct she started w/OMM(#2)I caught her redhanded in Nov.

so how come other guys can M women who aren't like ours, and actually have a real M with someone who loves & adores them?

And how did I pick this one?
Can I get a refund?


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, August 10th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys.

Any one ever think about old girl friends since all this shit hit?

I find me self thinking much on 1 girl in particular. You know I wonder. Had things been different. Different choices made. Different circumstances. And I had M this girl. What would me life be like now?

Would she have cheated on me? Is this some sort of life lesson I was destined to struggle thru? Or would I be blissfully happy. And know nothing of web sites like this.

Soon after meeting my WW the warning signs were there. She had quite a stable of boy friends around. And she would see them as she pleased.

She even cheated on me soon after I thought we were exclusive.

A month after we were M she went and *had coffee* with 1 of her old stable boys. Telling me of this only afterward.

For the first 10 + years of our M she had what I felt were inappropriate relationships with men she worked with. And my concerns were joked about amongst her and these men.

Allot of warning signs.

But this other girl. She was not that way at all. And now I think that I made a huge mistake in not marrying her and marrying me WW instead. Life circumstances separated me and this old girl friend. So unless those circumstances could have been changed I guess marrying was just not in the cards.

You know. Allot is said about karma here. Mostly wishful thinking that some how the WS will have some bad things happen to them over this. But you know. The same thinking applies to us as well. Ever wonder what you did that brought this karma bus rolling over you?

Sure. We all could have been better husbands. In me case I could have been MUCH better. But as bad as I were. I dont believe I deserved this.

I dunno. I am just ruminating here.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3074 | Registered: Sep 2007
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, August 10th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah, I shoulda known from the get-go-WW had just moved here from outta state, had been living w/some guy who she has never spoken to again. Dated a guy I worked with before me. shoulda known.

razor, since dday I wonder the path not taken, my 20 yr school reunion was one month before dday, I knew something was up but had no proof at the time.
I saw this woman I've had a crush on since 10th grade. she came alone, although married w/2 kids. Made a point of telling me "I always made her laugh" when we talked. I wonder about her often now, & why she was alone.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
awakening1
♂ Member
Member # 27360
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, August 10th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Numbing is what I feel, and indeed, what I have sought. Cool indifference. Her problems are not mine anymore.

In a way, to the extent that they affect the kids, they are, but that is a lot more remote than anything I could influence anyway.

I'm feeling liberated and energized, with no shortage of options available on online dating sites. Just lunch dates and happy hours for now, but I'm excited about the opportunities. Hope to get the SA signed soon, so I can take further advantage.

As I just told my friend here in the office, I can easily see me trading up. It's hard for me to see the same for her, but it's also really nice not to care, and not to waste anymore mental energy in the hell of trying to read the TT and tea leaves about what happens, if anything, with her and St. MF.

[This message edited by awakening1 at 2:29 PM, August 10th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH, 43
Her: WW, 41
Kids: 2 (9 and 6)
D-Day: 11/21/09. WW tried to bust up another marriage, but got dumped. OM/St. MF apparently wasn't so saintly after all.
Drafted S papers in 1/10. Filed in 1/12. Court date set for 1/13.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Northern VA
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