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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
awakening1
♂ Member
Member # 27360
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there, SCD, and focus on doing things to take care of yourself. I'm about to take a long bike ride and go into work late today. See what you can do for you now.

Last night in IC, I observed that I was consumed by anger towards WW regarding the feeling of abandonment she was instilling in our kids at such a young age. I tried to prevent that for months, but I couldn't. I love my kids so much that I want them to feel that I will always be able to protect them from harm. I don't want them, especially at such a young age, to see my limitations. I certainly didn't see them of my parents until later. But, while feeling the anger and being consumed, I seemed to recall reading that anger is a derivative emotion. I think it's based on sadness, an unability to prevent that which makes us sad, and a feeling of injustice from it. We can't control the sadness, or our power to change the cause. We can' t really change our values that lead to our interpretation of justice either. But what we can do is try to think about other potential causes and interpretations of the event that aren't in line with ours. My IC noted that our kids will be subject to a lot of anxiety if the separation isn't clear and well-defined as well. The bigger point for me is, if we can relax our anger enough to see broadly (and I recognize that, both emotionally and neurologically, this can be hard to do), we can see that each path has its share of positives and negatives for all involved. Our job is to work to see things clearly, and maximize the opportunities in what we can perceive.

Buddhists teach that no one else makes us angry; instead we make ourselves angry by not mindfully thinking about the steps I just outlined, and focusing on assigning blame when have been wronged.


Me: BH, 43
Her: WW, 41
Kids: 2 (9 and 6)
D-Day: 11/21/09. WW tried to bust up another marriage, but got dumped. OM/St. MF apparently wasn't so saintly after all.
Drafted S papers in 1/10. Filed in 1/12. Court date set for 1/13.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Northern VA
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 3:32 AM, July 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SCD - why do you list your W as FWW?

Sorry you are in such dire straits. Please know that you will survive the D process and will once again be blissfully happy. After all I went though, I am ever so happy!

Just follow the high road.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, July 18th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tg2,

I decided to start calling her FWW about 3-4 Months into R when i was convinced that she was no longer seeing any more OM and that as far as i could tell NC had been established with those i knew about.

Although she has been out a lot in the last few weeks i think it is more out of a desire to avoid me rather than because she wants to party or see anyone else.

It took me about a week after the S/D announcement to call her STBXW here on SI...

as for my Sig line... i guess i just havent gotten around to changing it yet, But good point, i shall do that now, and perhapes next week ill even update my story on my profile page with the latest situation.

I do know that eventually i will come out the otherside of this ok... perhapes bearing a few emotional scars, Its my kids that really have me worried. Sure they too are resilient, but damn, Im supposed to be the one that protects them from this sort of crap... I feel like im leting them down, not giving them the same idylic childhood that i enjoyed.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, July 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So its official, I finally managed to let my kids down and not protect them from feeling lost and hurt like i am.

We told them that i am moving out this weekend.

I just listened into a tearfilled conversation between DS11 and DD9 ... trying to come to grips with what we told them earlier tonight.

STBXW isnt home atm....


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, July 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SCD, I'm sorry you've found yourself at the other end of the R or D spectrum. Perhaps it's for the best though, bro.

Just love your kids a little extra, make them understand that this is not, in any way, their fault. Hug them a little tighter, and make sure they know you'll always be there for them. It's better for them to see you split up, then to watch you fight.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry man! I understand how you feel bro as I have BTDT.

You know darned well that there is no much else you can do and this is not your fault. Your kids will quickly recover and adapt. What is important here is that we get you pulled up by your boot-straps and back on your feet. You need to recover/heal so that you can be the best father you can be. What you will find is that with ww out of the picture when you do have your kids you will have 100% of their undivided attention. Because of that what actually happens is that you will form and much closer and deeper bond with them. Once again, I have BTDT.

There is now light at the end of the tunnel my friend, follow me, it is this way.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, July 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry SCD.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, July 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry!


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 3:16 AM, July 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for the support guys.

I guess i was still holding onto the smallest glimmer of hope that she would change her mind before we told the kids.

In some ways i feel like im watching her nail the lid closed on the coffin containing our marriage. Im not 100% sure the the M is dead yet but theres nothing i can do to stop her putting more and more nails in, and each nail seals the coffin and the fate of the M tighter.

I really have to say that the second nail last night was that after the kids were put to bed she found some excuse to leave the house. I dont know where she went, she said to her mothers to pick up something... whatever. I spent the rest of the evening goign into the kids rooms to offer them comfort, DD9 eventually cried herself to sleep after a few hours, DS11 was withdrawn and quite... just lying there awake.

I doubt that they will remember that it was me that came in all evening to help them get to sleep.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, July 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I doubt that they will remember that it was me that came in all evening to help them get to sleep.

Your doubts are unwarranted -- trust me on this one.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, July 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SCD. It is important for you. You will always remember.

Maybe the will maybe they wont but they will know one thing. You love them.

All I will say is get 50/50 physical custody and you will find after you detox from your toxic wife your quality time will be so much better with them.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
awakening1
♂ Member
Member # 27360
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, July 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your kids will quickly recover and adapt. What is important here is that we get you pulled up by your boot-straps and back on your feet. You need to recover/heal so that you can be the best father you can be. What you will find is that with ww out of the picture when you do have your kids you will have 100% of their undivided attention. Because of that what actually happens is that you will form and much closer and deeper bond with them.

I'm sorry SCD.

We seem to be walking on the same path. WW seems to be reverting back to St. MF, though he is supposedly moving out. I'm getting back to cool indifference, and enjoying my time with the kids more fully without her interference. Just keep enjoying your kids fully ... it will be much easier for you to do than her because she has to carry the guilt.


Me: BH, 43
Her: WW, 41
Kids: 2 (9 and 6)
D-Day: 11/21/09. WW tried to bust up another marriage, but got dumped. OM/St. MF apparently wasn't so saintly after all.
Drafted S papers in 1/10. Filed in 1/12. Court date set for 1/13.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Northern VA
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, July 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for your pain SCD.

Ive found that I am now much closer to my kids than I have ever been. This experience has refocused the important things in life.

As an aside when I redrafted my will I wrote a letter for each my kids so that they clearly knew my side of the story, the impact it had on my life & my feelings for each of them. I also asked them not to judge their parents but to learn from the mistakes that we made.

[This message edited by deeppurple at 4:57 PM, July 28th (Wednesday)]


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, July 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SCD, the betrayed spouse is always the last to know the M is dead. The WS starts checking out early. You may be able to save your M. You may not. Only you know when you have had enough.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, July 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One chunk of the best advice I was ever given was right down your own behaviors to standard situations that you W creates and than script a different reaction.

I was somewhat of a dormat and would apologize for BS. Now I mock my wife and say exactly what she says to me when her mouth spews BS.

Their are some things she noted she hated and I completely stopped doing them.

I wonders sometime SCD that you may be married to someone with strong borderline tendencies.

I find that in my W and it makes R brutal and it almost makes me think the level of relationship with inner intoamacy that I desire is simply unatainable unless she has an epiphany and lots of therapy.

You will never be told what she wants because she does not know.

Whether your M works out or not I would read Way of the Superior Man and get in touch with families and friends that were neglected during the downward spiral of the M.

I wish you look and strength and all you cna change is you.

Stay strong brother.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, July 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys,

Im in a better mood today, and feeling better about starting this new section of my life, seperated from my W.

Ive been primarily posting in here when ive been feeling shitty, partly to get it of my chest and partly because i was needing someone to remind me itll all work out, that ill be fine...

So far the kids still seem to be dealing with it reasonably well. I think the next big event for them is after ive actually moved out. Just as spending the first few nights away from home will be for me.

Im also almost looking foward to seeing how my W handles being on her own, with no automatic babysitter.

I almost feel like ive gotten over the hump of breaking my strong feelings for her... maybe im deluding myself and its just a small ridge and the mountain still lies ahead, but ill enjoy this downhill section while it lasts.

As an aside when I redrafted my will I wrote a letter for each my kids so that they clearly knew my side of the story, the impact it had on my life & my feelings for each of them. I also asked them not to judge their parents but to learn from the mistakes that we made.

I think this is a great idea, I shall look into wether i can do something similar. We have just painted over the reason why up till now... im sure the question will come one day, but even if it never does this is a good way of making sure that they now both sides no matter what.

So Since ive monopolised this thread with my situation and issues for the last page or so, how about you guys.... how are you doing... what are you struggling with at the moment, or even better whats going great for you at the moment?

[This message edited by SourCherryDrops at 9:05 AM, July 29th (Thursday)]


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
mnhttn99
♂ Member
Member # 13272
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, July 31st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys, just coming around to check in because I haven't in a few months.

First off SCD, I've been through both a D (my 1st M) and I'm now attempting R, and as someone who's done both, let me tell you that a divorce, while painful, is relatively fast and straightforward compared to reconciliation, which can be bewildering, difficult, painful and stressful even when it's going _well_.

My longtime girlfriend (sometimes fiancee) and I have been working on R for three or four months now, following a rocky six months of A and false Rs. (Yes, some of you may think I'm crazy for attempting R with someone I'm not married to - all I can tell you is, I should have divorced the first wife faster, this relationship even with its bad points is so much better that I've started thinking maybe my XW had the right idea leaving, she just went about it a shitty way.)

She's finally achieved NC, despite the OM struggling hard - messaging every day, threatening to hurt himself, trying to "meet up" with her when he thought she was traveling somewhere. I have access to every phone account and email address. I've seen the pattern - him texting her every day, for a while her responding once in a while, then finally, never responding.

On a side note, the OM disclosed that he was sexually abused as a child, etc. Given what I've seen from him (he's married but divorcing, with kids, this was his second A in two years) ... that's not surprising. More bizarrely, a few days after she finally went NC with him, he went and started sleeping with one of her (ex) best friends - who told him she'd been in love with him all along. After taking advantage of that for a few weeks, he told that girl that he had no feelings for her and was still in love with my girlfriend. That was more than a little eye-opener for everyone but me.

There are still huge challenges for us - I freak out, get paranoid, she pulls back. Occasionally I catch her in a lie, although it hasn't been anything related to an affair or anything like that - but I'm just really sensitive about it as well. I don't know where it will go. I have huge emotional trauma I have to come to terms with. But I do have some faith for the time being that I'm doing the right thing, even if a few times a day, I wonder if I am.

[This message edited by mnhttn99 at 9:42 PM, July 31st (Saturday)]


Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2007
mnhttn99
♂ Member
Member # 13272
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, July 31st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SCD - one other thing - when I went through my D, it was less painful than I expected because so much of that pain had already happened prior to the actual decision to D... by the time you get to that even if it is not your decision (it wasn't in my case, she gave up on R)... more of you is probably ready for it than you realize right now. Stay strong.

Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2007
mnhttn99
♂ Member
Member # 13272
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, July 31st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, here's a question for the guys: when I get a text on my phone, I usually reply within a minute, because the phone's in my pocket and I feel the alert go off.

She keeps the phone in her purse and that means her turnaround time is usually 30-60 minutes. (I know it's about the same for everyone else, to, since I've seen her phone bill and the long delay between receives and sends.)

It drives me nuts! Is that common?


Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2007
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 4:35 AM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mnhttn,

If i dont hear the new text alarm, then i can take anything from a couple of days to a week or more to respond to a text message.

The way i figure it is if it is really that urgent then people can call me and talk to me.

I only ever send a text that contains a message to which i dont expect an answer, like a birthday message, etc... otherwise i just call the person.

then again it takes me 5 minutes to enter a messge that i can deliver in 10 seconds if i actually just call...

You already know its not something she is doing to deliberately spite you, that its just how she is....

bit of a 2x4 here mate, but i reckon you should let it go.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
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