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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
Alex1
♂ Member
Member # 26221
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 31st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OM#1 I see and work with from time to time. I helped to get him hired where I work while he was doing my wife. FWW introduced him as a co-worker friend who wanted a different job (yea, mine )

How do you keep from .... the SOB?

[This message edited by Alex1 at 12:09 PM, May 31st (Monday)]


Posts: 197 | Registered: Nov 2009
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, May 31st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look at it this way, boys;

he got your sloppy seconds
he was only a dildo with a pulse
if he was half the man he thought he was, he could have got his own woman
he's not worth the salt, in the sweat, on your balls.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, May 31st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you keep from .... the SOB?

I mostly pity him. FWW pursued him and "used" him, she is the one with the vows and relationship to me, not him. Despite the romance of the A, her giddiness at being in lurvvv with him, him being her "new start", she was tired of him and thought he was cheap and controlling just over a year out.

I just don't think very much of him as a man, and like Jimi40 said. BTW, this guy lost his first W to her AP, so much for learning anything from the experience.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, May 31st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I just wanted to post a holiday ending note to say that I had a great weekend with my kids. Just a long three days of chilling out, golfing, swimming, all sorts of fun.

I posted earlier in the week about how I was frustrated with my XW and her antics. That was in a moment of doubt about my ability to deal with her dysfunction till the kids are in college. But I woke up the next day and realized that her problems are not my problems anymore. Sure, the kids factor in but I don't need to allow her issues to become mine.

The struggle related mostly to the idea that my kids are paramount and that I would have to put up with some of her shit to protect the kids. But now I just feel like all I have to do is be the best dad I can without allowing her to insert her issues into the proceedings.

So why post this? Just to say that we all walk a path towards happier times. We all find our way because that's who we are. We are guys with good hearts and good intentions. None of that changes b/c of our WS or D. I am proud of who I am. Not perfect, but sure trying to do the right thing.

I hope you all feel this too. Maybe not always. Maybe more and more. Maybe all the time. As long as it moves in a positive direction we are good to go.


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, May 31st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still want to ... him. I lost my chance to knock him out, and I will always regret it. I found out that he was at the zoo with his own DD yesterday, when I was there with my DD and some friends. I can't imagine what would have happened if we had all run into each other. Holy crap.

I'm feeling full of pity for my WW right now, and not in a tender way. I'm disgusted by her behavior, and I continue to be disgusted.

I don't know who will dump who, but WW and OM are both desperately unhappy, by admission on both parts, and I'm happy to remove myself from their situation. I'm moving on, pissed and betrayed, but better off.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, May 31st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I woke up the next day and realized that her problems are not my problems anymore.
FA, I'm trying to get here. Hoping to be here soon. Making good progress for sure. Glad you have made it.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
Alex1
♂ Member
Member # 26221
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats,
Yes, better to take the high road. I admit to fantasizing about brutal revenge on the OM. But your post reminded me that the OM's last relationship ended becuase she had an A. This makes him a 2 time loser, rejected twice in a row by the "loves of his life". Seeing him in this light is a game changer. I have had difficulty dealing with him because he seems to be far from a loser. Without going into detail the guy could easily be described as successful and a hunk. this has eaten away at my own insecurities. But the fact remains, she chose me -so ha-fucking-ha!

Good luck!


Posts: 197 | Registered: Nov 2009
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard for me to pity the OM, as much as I'd like to be abl to get to that place. I know he is unhappy, and has been unhappy in his marriage; and I know he has a stressful job that prevents him from seeing his DD as much as he'd like to. That's about it.

Aside from that, he's a successful, good-looking guy with an awesome kid. He also has/had a smart, hot wife that most guys in their right minds would never cheat on.

Just not much for me to feel sorry for or pity. Whatever inner turmoil he's dealing with is self-induced.

It's easy for me to pity my WW. She's a mess. Him? He's just a whiner.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

described as successful and a hunk. this has eaten away at my own insecurities

OM#1 was neither, and that makes things a bit easier, although I wonder how f*cking much she hated me that he looked like a better alternative.

OM#2 is successful, but otherwise a toad, 10 years older than FWW, stutters. I know his ability to spend money was a part of the allure to FWW. The plan was for him to sell his business, divorce his wife, and they (OM & FWW) could be together. I often wonder if he will show up again once he settles his affairs.

I look at the men she had affirs with and her first husband and I worry about being a part of that line-up. Honest, I am not that bad.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
TNJeff
♂ Member
Member # 28650
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just did confrontation with WW last night - she has had a 2 month ea with ex hs bf.

They met on facebook and were planning on running off.

The complicating factor is that I had many ONS/As over a period of two years.

She has never really forgiven - although we had been working on R until he came along.

She says she is staying with me for a year only because we have boys that graduate from h.s. next year...

Then she is going with him....

No real q - just venting.....


WS/BS - 52 (me)
BS/WS - 56 (her)
D-Day 1 WH - 7/17/2008
No relapse - total commitment
D-Day 2 WW - 5/31/2010
D-Day 3 WW - 6/2/2010
D-Day 4 WW - 7/9/2010

The next thing in my life will be better - because I am better.


Posts: 152 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Tennessee
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had to pick up DD this AM for play therapy at WW's apartment. DD wanted to show me her bedroom (I hadn't been inside since WW first moved in, and she didn't have it set up yet). Anyway, DD was so proud of her new room and it was all set up. The apartment looked pretty good, too.

Aside from some slight annoyance about how much of her shit is still in my house, and how nice and uncluttered her new apartment seemed, I was pretty happy that it was a nice place. Not just for my DD. I mean, that made me really happy, seeing that she had a nice room that she had helped decorate. But i was even kind of happy for WW. I've been pitying her a lot lately, and it actually made me feel a little less anxious to see that she was living in a decent place, and had fixed it up nicely.

Is this a weird reaction? I feel like I should still be short of breath when I walk into the apartment where she's been continuing the A with the OM. I feel like I should want to see her living in squalor. I mean, maybe it's the fact that I don't want DD living that way when she's with WW. But I know that part of it is relief that WW herself is ok.

I guess I'm just wondering where the extreme anger is. I'm about 2 months from dday. You all know I've had ups and downs, but I guess I just feel worried that I never experienced more than a sporadic day or two of rage. I'm a little nervous that it's just going to come spilling out one day, when I think I've worked through it all.

I just feel like it is too soon for me to be as comfortable as I think I am with my situation.

Friends and family keep asking me, "how are you doing," and I know they don't believe me when I say I'm fine. I also have a history of keeping things inside, and hiding my feelings, so I know everyone is concerned I'm doing that. But I don't think I am. I'm obviously not "fine," but I'm not all that bad. I'm damaged, and confused about some stuff. But mostly working through it.

I just remember a buddy of mine who got divorced a couple of years ago (and had no infidelity involved) went through some serious rage issues, and eventually had to take a 6 week leave from work because he had a nervous breakdown. I keep watching for signs of that, and there aren't any. Is it possible it just won't happen to me?


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a roller coaster jasper. My anger would come in waves, 4 months, six months, etc.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
Unthinkable_Pain
♂ Member
Member # 27380
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper, I don't have sustained anger either. It has come in short bursts of a couple of hours or a day or so (especially the recent weekend when I knew she was with OM), but never more than that. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm doing fine though. I was stuck in a prolonged period of despair that I feel like I might be only now just breaking out of.

I've only been to WW's apartment once and it was before d-day. I don't think I could handle being there now that I know exactly what has taken place there. Kudos to you for handling it well.

If I were you I wouldn't worry too much about being ok with everything right now. If the rage comes later then you can deal with it when it does, but for now just "enjoy" (probably not the right word, I know) the calm times.


Me:BH 33 (30 when she started the A)
DDay:1/24/2010
A beautiful 4yr old daughter and I am DAMN PROUD TO SAY I HAVE CUSTODY :)
Divorced 11/22/2010

Posts: 373 | Registered: Jan 2010
Unthinkable_Pain
♂ Member
Member # 27380
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look at it this way, boys;

he got your sloppy seconds
he was only a dildo with a pulse
if he was half the man he thought he was, he could have got his own woman
he's not worth the salt, in the sweat, on your balls.

Jimi40, I like the way you think!


Me:BH 33 (30 when she started the A)
DDay:1/24/2010
A beautiful 4yr old daughter and I am DAMN PROUD TO SAY I HAVE CUSTODY :)
Divorced 11/22/2010

Posts: 373 | Registered: Jan 2010
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if he was half the man he thought he was, he could have got his own woman

bad thing is both OMM & OM both already had their own women...she still went after them.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 2:39 AM, June 4th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper,

Im like UnthinkablePain, I dont have a sustained rage.

Sure at the moment there is a very small underlying level of anger that i didnt have before, but i am not walking around sething with anger all the time.

However i do blow up a lot faster and thus i guess a lot more than i used to pre-DDay. Id almost describe it as like a flush of anger that sweeps over me...it comes on real fast, but is gone after an hour or two... it can be for small things, just little annoyances that normally wouldnt bother me .... but at the moment i dunno... they all seem to be earth shattering at the time and when ive calmed down and look back i realise ive made another mountain out of a mole hill... ( speaking of moles, those little fuckers keep diggin up my lawn, if i ever catch one of the em im going to let out some OM hate on its ass )

I thought that i would be having much stronger anger attacks than this when i first started reading here about the stages i was likely to go through. Im not really sure why, I would also class myself as someone who traditionally kept my feeling reasonable well inside, and i know i worried that i was supressing it... perhapes i am to some degree, but then again thats just who i am...

Just dont be hard on yourself if one day you do flip out at some inanimate object that has just made a grevious personal insult to you by not doing or working as its supposed to


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
Lotsa
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Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, June 4th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However i do blow up a lot faster and thus i guess a lot more than i used to pre-DDay.

I'm actually the opposite to this and it does worry me a little after reading of the expected stages in dealing with my FWS's infidelity. Maybe a delayed reaction???

It's kind of weird. In the months during my FWS's A, I would blow up frequently at her constant lack of consideration. Staying out to all hours. Saying she'd be home at X and then come home at Y. Spending money we didn't have etc, etc. I put it down to my gut telling me something wasn't right. Shame I didn't listen to it then.

But even on the day I confronted FWS and the 10 weeks since, I haven't really blown up at all. It was nearly as if a sense of calm came over me once I confronted FWS. Relief perhaps, validation I wasn't going crazy?? Even the TTing and BS that has come out of her mouth since, hardly anything.

I have my moments of course where I am angry, but they are relatively fleeting in duration and are generally not external outbursts.

It may well hit me down the track as it's still early days. Time will tell I guess.


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
CluelessGuy
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Member # 28491
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, June 5th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have sustained anger; it comes and goes. Exercising regularly helps a great deal.

My IC described how we all have a baseline level of anger from one to 10. Based on our life experiences, we usually sit on the low end of the scale. In my case, triggers of the A bump me up the scale. At 9, you get out of the house/situation at all costs.

Over time (and for me, it's been a couple months since D-Day), the triggers aren't as bad and I'd describe my anger as closer to resentment, which is a lower burn. Part of that ay be coming to terms with the fact that my marriage may be toast.


BH - early 40s
XWW - early 40s
Two kids

D-Day - Easter 2010
D-Day 2 - July 18, 2010

Divorced - Nov. 26, 2012


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2010
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Flame  Posted: 11:12 AM, June 6th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My son really broke my heart today. It has been a week since I moved into my new place, I ahd to return him this morning and I found him sitting in my bedroom crying. He was begging me not to take him back to his mother. he kept saying dont leave me there, I want to stay with you I want to live with you. I told him I lvoed him and I would have to take him back he does not understand why if I love him, why cant he live with me.
I could barely breath, how do you handle this. I really miss seeing him every day and coming home for supper and seeing him and talking to him.
This really sucks, I really am starting to hate the WW even more for what she is doing to my son.
This bites


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, June 6th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry SAT.

The kids do adjust eventually and they know who the real parent is. I was faced with a little of the same when we were D. So stay as strong as you can. Be the stable dad that your are. Listen to and love your son just like you are right now.

You are a good dad.

You did not create this.

Your son will figure this out in the long run.


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
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