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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
Neverinamillion
♂ Member
Member # 28155
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure what I'd do if I ran into in public. He lives 2000 miles away but has a daughter living close to my town. That was his cover for coming to have his little tryst with my WW. Don't think his BW will allow him here without her from now on. He is truly gutless and I doubt he would have the balls to face me.


Me-35
WW-35
D-Day-Jan 15 2010
Kids: 16,12,10,7

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Southeast
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

awakening1

Glad limbo may be leaving and am so sorry because I know your tried for the kids.

How is custody et all going to work out?

I wish you luck and strength!


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
awakening1
♂ Member
Member # 27360
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad limbo may be leaving and am so sorry because I know your tried for the kids.

How is custody et all going to work out?

50%-50% joint physical custody, and no alimony, is what we agreed to in draft. Now we'll need to finalize it. I'm now ready to sign.

I wish you luck and strength!

Thanks. Today, I feel depleted (even the Ambien didn't work last night), but I'll get through it, and there will be a new day soon.


Me: BH, 43
Her: WW, 41
Kids: 2 (9 and 6)
D-Day: 11/21/09. WW tried to bust up another marriage, but got dumped. OM/St. MF apparently wasn't so saintly after all.
Drafted S papers in 1/10. Filed in 1/12. Court date set for 1/13.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Northern VA
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The situation sucks and most of my anger is not at my WW about the affair. It was the risk to the family and kids.

You seem well and I am VERY happy 50/50. Accept no less.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
awakening1
♂ Member
Member # 27360
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The situation sucks and most of my anger is not at my WW about the affair. It was the risk to the family and kids.

We are on exactly the same page. I've put up with a lot of shit (including a hospital stay when she, at my bedside, stopped to take a call from St. MF, and then told me he was worried about me) these past 7 months for the kids. Both of them seem completely reckless and selfish; maybe they really are meant for each other. Dude has no idea what he is in for.

Although today, I'm feeling a good bit of anger towards her as well. Mostly, I feel like she is a coward, and should have a) either come to me long ago with her concerns, or b) had the integrity not to continue to use him as a crutch. She thinks she is being brave by following her heart.

To be fair, I suppose she did try to discuss this occasionally beforehand, but I was not receptive -- I was too busy with work and with being a good father to our kids, while she was easily distracted by "work," at all hours of the day and night.


Me: BH, 43
Her: WW, 41
Kids: 2 (9 and 6)
D-Day: 11/21/09. WW tried to bust up another marriage, but got dumped. OM/St. MF apparently wasn't so saintly after all.
Drafted S papers in 1/10. Filed in 1/12. Court date set for 1/13.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Northern VA
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awakening,

I am also very glad to hear that you have tentatively agreed on 50/50 and no alimony. I have the same set up. The kids do adjust over time. You just need to keep being you.

I was too busy with work and with being a good father to our kids, while she was easily distracted by "work," at all hours of the day and night

This is interesting in the sense that I met with my IC today and we talked about this very subject. She commented that I need to find someone who realizes that it really is about the kids. You had them and they take time. It is not just abotu you. Certainly, you have to make time for each other but it highlights where priorities are different for different people.

(

including a hospital stay when she, at my bedside, stopped to take a call from St. MF, and then told me he was worried about me)

That is so fucked up I cannot even open my mind to accept it. This seems like an extreme justification in her mind to believe that this guy is a good guy. I heard the same shit. "My OP is really a good person. See, he does all these nice things". Like cheat on his wife. Fuck a married woman.

Towards the end I when I knew we were going to D I actually started to hope that the two of them would get together. That he would throw his wife under the bus and the two of them would have tied the knot. I know, kinda twisted thinking especially with regard to my kids. But I was pissed and not in my right mind. The main reason was just what you said. He doesn't know what he is getting. And my XW did not know what she was getting with this cheating man. He ended up dumping her one month after our D was final so I did get to witness her stumbling around in a daze, mystified why the "love of her life" dumped her. No satisfaction in it. Just disappointment in her.

It will get better. I hope your WW stays the course regarding custody. IF she does I will bet you right now that you end up with the kids on days she is supposed to have them. These ladies have to "live their life" and if the kids get in the way they get pushed aside. One year out I am up to about 65 percent of the time with the kids. This summer should approach 70-80 percent. All good for me. I hope it works the same for you.

FA


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any one ever run into OM in public?

OM#1 I see and work with from time to time. I helped to get him hired where I work while he was doing my wife. FWW introduced him as a co-worker friend who wanted a different job (yea, mine )


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've put up with a lot of shit (including a hospital stay when she, at my bedside, stopped to take a call from St. MF, and then told me he was worried about me) these past 7 months for the kids.
WTF. I'm laughing because I've had a similar experience on a much less dire scale. WW once mentioned to me that she was worried about the OM's BW (her former close friend) and wanted to know how she was doing. My reaction led us to not speak again for about a week.

The idea of running into the OM (my former good friend) gives me ongoing anxiety. I posted a few weeks ago about an incident at my gym (across the street from WW's new apartment) where I thought I saw his car. I couldn't see the driver, couldn't find his license plate number on my phone, and flipped out a little. It wasn't him, fortunately. The fact is, since she lives a few blocks away, and they are still together, I may run into him. We have mutual friends, but the ones I am closest to have pretty much cut him off. I doubt we will show up at any of the same parties or events.

We live about 20 minutes apart, and have different everyday friends, but I think it will probably happen at some point.

I really don't know what I'll do.

I've made a lot of progress on the dissolution of my marriage, and how I feel about it. I can't seem to get past the betrayal though, and what they did to me. It was less than 2 months ago, though. I'm pretty sure I haven't even begun my emotional journey yet.

I certainly know what I want to do when I see him...


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As most of you know, my wife's primary xOM was my best friend for 20 years. We live in a smallish town (~3k people), so I'm guaranteed to see him semi-regularly.

Whenever I show up somewhere he's at, he slinks away. Sometimes he'll give me a shitty look, but usually just ducks his head, tucks his tail and runs away. It's pretty funny, actually.

One of the best experiences I had was having our kids at the same football camp and hanging out chatting up his oldest teen son while he glowered at me from across the field and got progressively more and more drunk from his pull-along beer cooler.

It pleases me to know that he feels like *I* got off scot free in this whole process, while his life fell apart and that he's pissed off at me about it. There are worse possible endings than him feeling insecure about me and envious that I "won" for the rest of his life.

The funny thing is that if my wife had left me for him as he wanted way back in the early days (given her then-undiagnosed bipolar disorder), he'd probably have still ended up thinking I won in the end.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 9:51 PM, May 26th (Wednesday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
awakening1
♂ Member
Member # 27360
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The funny thing is that if my wife had left me for him as he wanted way back in the early days (given her then-undiagnosed bipolar disorder), he'd probably have still ended up thinking I won in the end.

I wonder about bipolar with my current wife. I'm pretty sure she decided to consummate the affair when she went off her Zoloft. Now she is on Wellbutrin.

This seems like an extreme justification in her mind to believe that this guy is a good guy. I heard the same shit. "My OP is really a good person. See, he does all these nice things". Like cheat on his wife. Fuck a married woman.

This is why I will only refer to him as St. Motherfucker. She is still stuck on how she fell in love with him, and whether she remains in love with him. As I have told her, many of the answers to these questions are in the pages of Not Just Friends, but she refuses to read a page of it, or of most other relevant texts. The only thing that she read that she found useful was the Temporary Separation pages of Fisher's Rebuilding book. It helped her justify her escape, apparently. Much like her "non-judgmental" therapist, singleton at 45 friend at work, mom who - despite WW hating her for it for years, left WW's dad for her own OM - and married him months before we got married, and, amazingly, sorority sister friend who was a BS herself.

[This message edited by awakening1 at 9:58 AM, May 27th (Thursday)]


Me: BH, 43
Her: WW, 41
Kids: 2 (9 and 6)
D-Day: 11/21/09. WW tried to bust up another marriage, but got dumped. OM/St. MF apparently wasn't so saintly after all.
Drafted S papers in 1/10. Filed in 1/12. Court date set for 1/13.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Northern VA
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife had about 20 OM. And yes, I was completely clueless. I have no idea if I've ever run into any of them. But I fantasize not about me running into any of them, but rather, them all running into each other.

I sometimes daydream that they all find themselves in a (necessarily large) room with my STBXW, with no exit. Wouldn't they all feel like idiots, especially those ones who thought that they were somehow special? And my STBXW, she'd probably die on the spot.

Well, I just might be able to arrange something like that in court, if I felt like it.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys with the x friends as x OM leave me in awe. Truly, honestly, and with all my heart, I would never expect, or accept this from a friend. I would be in jail, had the OM been a friend of mine, because I would have killed them both.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
Unthinkable_Pain
♂ Member
Member # 27380
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any one ever run into OM in public?

I haven't, but I think about it happening a lot. I hope it never happens because I'm pretty sure I would end up in trouble.


Me:BH 33 (30 when she started the A)
DDay:1/24/2010
A beautiful 4yr old daughter and I am DAMN PROUD TO SAY I HAVE CUSTODY :)
Divorced 11/22/2010

Posts: 373 | Registered: Jan 2010
Buzz09
♂ Member
Member # 25971
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XW and I used to run into OM all the time. He wouldn't even look at us. She would get nervous and not mention it either.


Me BH 40
WW 41

Posts: 648 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: buzz09
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, May 28th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to admit that Fantasizing about what id do to either one of her Long term OM if I/we ever ran into them in public (or if they ever showed up anywhere) has been very enjoyable at times.

Generally im one of those reasonably nice quite, non-violent, familiy oriented guys.... but i know that burried deep is all the supressed anger and wrath of the last 30 odd years, and heaven help the guy standing opposite if it ever gets to the surface. Im pretty sure that if i ever did loose my self control it would be really nasty and spiteful, id inflict life long lasting injuries.

In reality i very much doubt that id give into to that rage, I think those shitbags have already had more than their fair share of whats mine and I wouldnt want to end up sacrificing my clean record and my time for the sake of revenge.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
944man
♂ Member
Member # 22077
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, May 28th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand what you guys are saying but: Prison isn't worth the situation that our WW's shouldn't have been in the first place. It was her fault. Her standards, her weak boundaries.

Living with it is better than worrying about who would be behind you in the prison shower when you drop your soap


43 and loving it

Posts: 2320 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: US
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, May 28th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a question here for those of you who have gone on to D.

My XW has tried so hard to be nice since our D. I have been civil. I believe that one year out she has finally turned the corner and now is getting pissed. Because I don't respond to her in the way she was used to. She has tried all her usual tricks. Being nice, angry, short with me, almost flirty. I think she has finally turned to just being all over the place. Angry over stupid shit. Reading way to much negativity into my comments in mail notes. All the incredibly draining shit I lived with when we were married.

I ignore it all.

But I am so tired of it. She cannot exist without some drama. She cannot live without demonizing me in some way.

Do any of you deal with this? I know it will not change. She is who she is and cannot resist her need to feel good about herself at everyone else's expense.

That is why the other day I said I cannot wait until the kids go away to college. Then I won't have to deal with her crazy train on a weekly basis.

I know this is not my fault. But damn, it gets so tiring to think about this long road ahead due to her dysfunction. I have set my boundary and she cannot deal with it. Does this ever change?

FA


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, May 28th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FA, I'm way newer at this than you are. So take my thoughts for what they are (a newbie's rantings) but I totally hear you. My WW (who is my STBXW) has chosen to leave me and pursue a new relationship with my former good friend. However, I seem to have made more peace with this situation than she has.

She has the OM now to give her whatever it was she wasn't getting from me, yet she still relies on me for the actual "life" shit. I get pressured to relieve her early from kid duty, I get manipulated into social situations where we both have to be there, I get nagged.

I usually ignore it, but I know where we are headed. They will break up. I have no choice but to continue being partially responsible for her because she is my DD's mother. She will always be this negative force in my life. The martyr who lost everything because she was brave enough to look outside her marriage to find the things she wasn't brave enough to tell her husband she needed.

I hear you, brother. And I know I'm on my way to where you are. I can't help you, but I'll follow your story, because I'm sure it will help me.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
shockedandstuned
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Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, May 28th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Guys,

First night in my new apartment, I get my son for the weekend. I feel sad and happy at the same time. I am finally free of the stress of being around the ww. I just hope my son enjoys the new place and his room.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, May 29th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm happy for you, dude. This is a good thing, and it's the start of a new relationship with you and your son, that doesn't involve all of the baggae you had with WW. Best wishes. I don't think you have anything to feel sad about. Feel proud you did what you needed to do, and now you can be a good parent on your own terms.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
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