[This message edited by survivinglies at 2:39 PM, May 7th (Friday)]
I too hovered for a while but once I got it out it just felt a whole lot better. I know I am too new to this but I just want to reach out to you and say that I am sorry that you are here but glad that you found SI.
When I finally had enough of the insanity when an soon-to-be PA/ early stages of flirting was discovered I was actually relieved to have the truth. I even had a polygraph just to make sure I had everything.
When FWH told his sister what was going on, she gave him some very good advice. She told him "Remember this is new to her. For her, it's like it just happened." She's not even a BS!
I think the hardest part is that every memory for 13 years is tainted. I feel like every smiling photograph is a lie. This is what we have struggled with most.
He wishes he would have told me sooner, but I think, back then, I would have just asked for a D.
I wonder how much my anxiety/depression issues have been caused or worsened by this. My first bout with serious depression started about one year into my relationship with WH. It also dawned on me that is when my weight problems as an adult started. At the time, I figured it was stress from college and dealing with the loss of a family member. And WH seemed so supportive back then. I used to tease him about him cheating on me - I truly believed he wasn't that kind of person - but subconsciously I wonder how my brain processed his weird denials?
I wonder what other ways this has changed us over the years, before we actually knew about the As.
Instead, I exchanged these for severe depression and anxiety.
In the midst of confronting him I was hit by a flashback to a time 4 or 5 years into our marriage where he treated me the same way - demonized me, started arguements all of the time, etc.
During that time we were housesitting in the country for my retired aunt & uncle. We lived in a little mobile home in a park so having that time in a roomy house in the country was heaven. But he wasn't home much that summer - late nights "entertaining customers".
One day I went by our place to pick up a few things & realized our bed wasn't made up the way I did it. (Whew! Need a pause here, take a few deep breaths & to say this is the 1st time I've talked about this & can't begin to tell all of you how much it means to be able to open up about it to people who understand what I'm feeling now.)
Naive, trusting fool that I was I told him what I discovered & asked what was going on. He told me he'd given his boss the key to our place. How could I even think that of him? Why would I think he'd do to me what his boss was doing to his wife? Here he was working these awful hours to support our family & I come at him with a question like that? God, I bought the guilt hook, line & sinker. And, without a doubt, that's had an impact on me through the intervening years.
So I come to a screeching halt in the midst of my awful tirade about his current A & ask if he lied to me all those years ago. His answer? A simple "yes, but it was only once, maybe twice". (What is it with waywards anyway? If they only did the deed once or twice it's not so bad?!!)
That day sent me into a tailspin that's taken me a long time to recover from. Two different MC's were a bust, both bought my WH's public personna, not helped by my being a raving lunatic at the time. Thanks to an IC I discovered after giving up on MC, I'm emerging from the ashes.
I, too, have looked back on all those years as having lived a lie, but reading here tonight I have a different view. "I" didn't live a lie. "I" was there day in & day out through it all for my two wonderful adult children. I raised them with love, honesty & integrity. That's something my WH can't take from me. He took my love & betrayed my trust. "He" lived a lie.
Double-D-Day was 7 years ago this month. It's just been this past year that I've really come back into my own.
There's one thing left on my agenda for me to take care of. I've been staying "for now" to get back on a sound emotional footing. I feel the time has come for me to commit to staying or to decide to leave this sham of a marriage.
More than once.
He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "No, I swear to you, I haven't. I could never do that to you."
Yeah, right. He was lying every single time.
there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...
My wife had a ONS, got pregnant, then let me know she needed an abortion, got one letting me think it was my child, then came out with the truth 5 yrs later.
inittotheend--that is so heart breaking and seems beyond cruel, I'm sorry.
I guess I should finally post here too.
28 July 09- caught WH in a sexting type EA via emails. He was deployed in Iraq at the time and after a talk w/ a neighbor (she was going thru a divorce) I asked for his password...and he handed it over. Something just clicked in my head to get his password...a few years before that I had found acouple flirty type emails to an old co-worker but, we worked thru that because they seemed harmless he never emailed her again.
anyway, so I had this gut feeling this time...and sure enough I go straight to the sent folder and I see tons of emails to another co-worker and this time it wasn't just flirty.
fast forward and after of hours of email converations and agreements, I agreed to stay until he came home.
arrived home 2nd week of august and on 19 august (after a week of him being home) I started a full blown interrogation...WH confessed to two PA back in 1997 and 2001 (both times I was in a different country)....the sexting EA was just that, I had all the emails and it clearly stated that they hadn't "done it" but, could have easily gone that way....
so after 14yrs of marriage I find out he had two PA years and years ago....1997 was while at school twice in one week (which got TT on that)
and then the killer was 2001....I had left the country (we were in the process of moving) and he had 1.5-2 mo. PA with my ex-friend/coworker....wtf? and then that bitch continued to be my friend and stood w/ me at his graduation...like we were just all
had to suffer thru months of TT on many details, half truths, revisions of story, etc....
I wish I would have known years ago, I wouldn't have cared so much back then (our marriage was very strained) but, I thought we had this unconditional bond (yea' right) i feel like a fool for believing in him so much....this was both our 2nd marriage and I thought he would never do me wrong.
if i would have known then...who knows what would have happened, i'm sure i would have just cheated back (nice huh?) but, we would have been in our 20's with no kids but, now we have 15yrs together and have two amazing kids.
I feel like so many choices were taken from...I would have done so many things different, if I would have known.
[This message edited by pain from truth at 8:28 AM, June 29th (Tuesday)]
God, I bought the guilt hook, line & sinker. And, without a doubt, that's had an impact on me through the intervening years.
New Joy, I can so relate! In fact, my IC said this is where I'm having the biggest problem recovering - I cannot believe how gullible I was, the wacky lies and stories I believed - for so many years.
I spend a lot of time thinking about all the things he's said over the last 20 years that have never felt quite right, and it's like that Plinko game on the Price is Right - so many memories have just bounced around in my head and they're all falling into place now. God, it is awful and painful.
We just had our wedding anniversary this week. He says he's happy to be married to me. But all I can think about is that had I known about all of his As before we were married, I doubt I'd have ever married him. I have no idea how to reconcile that in my head!
The OW was a former friend of mine. She realized that he was lying when she found my facebook page, with a photo of my husband and together. So--she decided to tell me.
He claims that he allowed it to drag on because he was afraid she'd call me. Whatever.
Anyway, since then, he has happily maintained NC, and seemes quite relieved...which frankly is annoying since I'm reeling. I never thought this could happen to ME!
WH has allowed me to ask 100s of questions, and he anwswers to the best of his ability, but sometimes he doesn't remember... Logicially, I get that--sometimes my questions are about a minute detail from 10 years ago, but it is still frustrating.
Next week will be 6 months since "Black Friday" as we call it. I am doing 100 times better. This week, for the first time, I've felt a tiny bit of normal-ness. WH has done everything right--he's trying to make it up to me, and I'm trying to accept it. So hard. But--I'm just glad to know that I'm not crazy, and I'm not totally alone on this dark path.
My problem is that I don't have closure or NC with anyone in particular since most of my WH's encounters were ONS with women he didn't know (so he says) when out at the bar with his buddies. I was usually out of town although it did happen and then he came home to me.
I do know of one that he screwed her in my bed in 1996. She was an acquaintance that I played softball with a few years earlier. I thought we were acquaintances that could have been friends and the other was his massage therapist (20+ years in the business, professional, huh?) that he had an ongoing EA with although he doesn't call it that. He considered pursuing it and she was more than happy to. After a makeout session one night, she assured him no one (they have mutual friends) needed to know about their involvement. It was just between them.
So lately I have so wanted to contact them both and ask them why. Why did they choose to do this? I want to ask the acqaintance what I did for her to do this to me?
I just want to understand. I want to forgive them both; I have come to terms with the notion that I need to forgive to move on, but I need to understand why they did it too. Spouses can't cheat if people aren't willing to ignore the partner is married. Both of these women knew about me and about my children. I had my son in 1995.
My WH says I shouldn't hate them. It was his choice, his decision, his mistake, his broken self; but still....However, am I just bringing them back into our lives if I contact them? My WH swears he has not spoken to #1 since the night he dropped her off after screwing her and according to phone records that I had, he hasn't attempted to contact Ms. Unprofessional since Nov, 08 right before he had to tell me in Feb of 09.
Is my gut right, just stay away and deal? Otherwise, we really are doing well. I am happier (90% of the time) than I have been since we married. He talks to me like he has never before; he realizes this was the biggest cause of his straying. He was struggling with his inner self and he didn't come to me.
thanks to all, this site has been a saviour on many occasions.