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Newest Member: IWantToSurvive (44222)

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User Topic: For Those Who Found Out Years Later
♀ Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Daysie...I cannot believe I am finding people here whose stories are SO close to mine! I guess I felt I was the only one this happened to, before I found this site! Anyway, I just found out 6 1/2 months ago that my H had an A with my brother's wife 25 years ago!(I have known for several years that she had an affair while they lived in the same town as we do, and I had questioned WHO it was many times over the past several years, but no-one would ever tell me! And, there were several of my family members who knew about it back then. My husband was not aware that several knew about it.)So, like ever told me anything and I did NOT see signs back then either! My H and I were having some serious marital problems and of course she knew that from being in the family, so she had the perfect opportunity to "move in on him". (We found out that she has had "feelings" for my H for several years before the A). The A was disclosed because my brother and her finally split up and their children wanted they both spilled their guts about her A's and his! Yes!! they both have had numerous affairs! She also had one with my sister's husband, about 5 or 6 years after my husband and her. My H has told me that he wanted to tell me, but KNEW if he did, I would either leave him or have an A myself and he said he could not bear that, even though he now knows how SELFISH that was! And yes, I probably would have left him if I'd found out years ago! We have now been married (almost) 37 years, have 2 grown sons and two grandchildren. So...we DO have a history together and we have been happy for the past 25 years, so this makes it even more difficult! I could not ask for a more remorseful H who KNOWS how wrong he did and the damage it has caused. He too tells me that he has always loved me, and cannot bear to think I would leave him, etc...and I DO believe him, however, it still does not ease the hurt, resentment, anger, etc. that an A causes. And it doesn't matter that it was 25 years ago! It might as well been yesterday as far as my mind and heart feel! My H will talk to me about it, but like yours, it has been so long AND he has purposely forgotten so much, that it's hard for him to recall a lot of things. But I will tell you that talking does help some of his memory to come back. I know he HATES talking about it, but has told me that he wants to remember for MY sake so that I can deal, heal, and hopefully some day move forward and be happy again! Prayers, blessings and HOPE to you!

Posts: 91 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, I can relate to this. A year after the ass left us for OW, I found out that he'd been screwing around since practically day one...before we were married. It was one of the most traumatic moments in my life.

“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1559 | Registered: Aug 2010
♀ Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I wrote my last post, I did not realize the dates on others' posts were months ago! I don't think this site is going to help me much!

Posts: 91 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
♀ New Member
Member # 43431
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are starting counseling this week. Counselor thinks H may have sexual compulsion disorder?? Sex addict? That's just what every faithful loving wife wants to hear right? So, there is 1 affair I know about. Found out on my own, but H admitted it. He had to write out sexual history for counselor and guess what?? I read it! I know I shouldn't have, but I did! There was another, it happened on a business trip 15 yrs ago or so! I was completely in the DARK! I thought 4 yrs ago was the 1 and only. Now I realize if I have caught him texting women or emailing ad websites 5 or 6 times, there are probably a dozen times that got by me. I am not that smart nor that good a detective!
This will sound crazy, but I am only 50/50 on staying or leaving. I actually love this person and have for 24 years. I know he loves me too, can he be fixed?? Has ANYBODY come out on the other side? Am I an idiot? We do have 3 boys, but only 1 is under age. I make a good living, I COULD leave...ughhh

"I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me"
Philippians 4:13

Posts: 3 | Registered: May 2014
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His short term affair started, I'm guessing April 1997 and I was told over the phone April 28th 2013. His affair took place in Germany, while we live in Canada. He was over Thor work. I was left home with 3 young children, a brand new business which required a lot of my time. He went over the to make a de extra dollars, he worked hard, I know that. But, for whatever reason, he met this women who he says "seduced" him at a bar. He went to her home. He walked there. He had time to turn around, but he didn't. They had sex, he tells me he can't remember whether or not he had intercourse. So, for 16 years he kept that secret from me. For 16 years he lied, and buried his infidelity. In November 2011, while he was away for work in Alberta, he had a ons. I was told that about that event June 22nd 2013. My daughter's college graduation day!

Ons, whether it happened once or twice, still devastating and extremely difficult to accept and move on. I'm well over the one year mark, and still unsure whether to stay or leave.

HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (he made that one up)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 8 2013
DD4 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 190 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
♀ New Member
Member # 41080
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh God, please get me off of this crazy train!

A little background: WH had LTA, caught and TRYING to R...

During a polygraph he also confessed to a ONS only 6 weeks after saying he would pledge his fidelity to me in M...

Well, he has always put the ONS in a whole different category, saying "It was 25 years ago! I was younger, It was ONLY a ONS, it was a whole different why, etc Therefore we don't need to dredge that whole thing up...

Damned it, I am just so over all this minimizing, deflecting and crazy making!!! This whole R thing has wrung me dry and today and many days I don't think I have it in me to sacrifice any more of myself for this wrecking ball of a H... Sorry, but this vent sure feels good. Thanks for listening and if you have a box of tissue please read my profile, yuk.

BS: 60 WS: 55
DS: 19 DD: 11
M:25 years
Polygraph 4/27/13 revealed A #1 (ons)only 7 weeks after wedding and A #2 7 month love of his life A
Reconciling? Divorcing? I guess only time will tell?

Posts: 28 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 43792
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am one who has drastically changed my opinion for those who found out years later, when I found out about my husband affair I thought that we had a chance to build a new and better marriage. I thought we did.

After all the tears and hard work that was done for the past few years, he is having another affair. This one is different because he feels he has a future with her

I think if I had just ended the marriage when I first found out about the first affair I would not be hurting so much now. I do believe I have give it the best I can and know that the marriage failure is on him.

I now believe a spouse who's capable of lying and keeping secrets for so long isn't really going to give it their all to save the marriage.

I know some exws will do the work but I have to suggest to the bs to run and start over. Make the choice yours not theirs?

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: East coast
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Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I pretty much agree with Sleepingbeauty.
I can't relate to this topic yet but, it's just a matter of time I'm sure.
My WH is the picture perfect role model, except he will absolutely not come completely clean so, I'm basically just wasting my time.
I pray for others to be stronger than me!
Don't get me wrong, it's not all horrible. I'm just in the meh, I guess. I love him but, I won't be that super duper in love head over heels person ever again. That person died.

Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...

Being very, very careful

D-day 14 June 2013

I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
♀ New Member
Member # 44105
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out a few months ago that my husband had cheated on me. I found an email with a selfie he sent to the whore he worked with with a message " I want YOU here with me." We were on vacation in Hawaii at the time - how insulting is that? I thought we had a great time....

At his request, we started counseling immediately and in the course of the sessions he admitted to an affair about 20 years ago with a neighbor (the mother of my daughter's best friend). He said he had assumed I had known about it. The other betrayed spouse had confronted him. I'm such an idiot, I thought that the other husband was crazy. MY husband would never really cheat...flirt, sure, but not BETRAY me and our family! We were happy....! I am such an idiot.

So now, I have not only the current affair (over before I found the mail, but it happened and he wasn't going to tell me and I never saw any signs) and also the knowledge of this other one to deal with. He swears that there were no others, but how do I know???

How can I bear this? I cry every day. I cannot believe how stupid I was. We raised 2 great kids and had a lot of fun, but I guess it was all a lie.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry Dkrms15.(hugs) when you find out so many years later it changes you whole history. I thought my husband was "just" a flirt but it appears that's a big red flag for poor boundaries. Glad you're here the people so SI are wonderful .

BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years

Posts: 165 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
♀ Member
Member # 43792
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D krms 15 It suck to find out years later because he robbed you of the choice of weather to stay or go. I fI would've have and sp does. we had seven years of me not knowing but my instinct wouldn't let it rest. when I fond out the truth I was both devastated and relieved. I wasn't crazy after all. He had spent a lot of time trying to convince me that it was all in my head. We (I) did try ad work things out. We went to IC, MC, and read a lot. He only put in a little effort. He figured it was the past and over. For me it was a struggle and by the time I thought I had healed he was and is out the door. I don't feel bad about the years that we tried but think long and hard about what you do. I think a lot depends on weather the FWS is truly remorseful or just sorry he got caught

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: East coast
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Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Almost 5 years ago, I found emails...started looking b/c H was acting really weird...that gut feeling they talked about spurred me to investigate...I never felt the need to investigate before...not in 35+ years! Short version...he was having an A with an old from even before me that I had never heard of. Okay, so I am thinking this is bad...this hurts...he's having a midlife crisis thing...etc. Then the real shocker...ha had an A with her 20 years before when our oldest was just a toddler!

MY husband would never really cheat...flirt, sure, but not BETRAY me and our family! We were happy....! I am such an idiot.

All these years, I NEVER KNEW??? He kept this from me???

You should ask your H if he really thought that you knew, did he think you just never ask him about it? Also the confession of the old A...that baffles me as well. Did he just feel the need to confess??

When I confronted my WH about the emails and he told me who she was, he confessed about the A 20 years prior. I wondered why ...after all these years. I think it was b/c he felt like it justified his current A with her...old gf...buried feelings, etc.

You will find that the current A hurts in one way, but he past A has other consequences. In my case, we were happy then...starting careers, family, first house...pressures, but we were close, secure...I thought. How could he have done that back then and me not even suspect?? How could he have kept it a secret all these years? How can I ever believe him after such a huge 20 year lie? Who else knew and did not tell me? were a trusting spouse...that what a spouse is supposed to be. You are supposed to be able to blindly trust your life partner. YOU are not crazy.

We raised 2 great kids and had a lot of fun, but I guess it was all a lie.

Me too...40 years and two kids and a lot of life...good and bad together. It wasn't ALL a lie...but he is not the person you thought he you know. Whatever happens, now you know the truth.

He swears that there were no others, but how do I know???

You don't and may never...things have changed...the blind trust is gone. That doesn't mean your M can't survive, but things are different. In my case, it is the same OW...I am supposed to believe that they had the 2 A's 20 years apart and that was all. As far as others, he says no, but ???

I don't post here...on this thread... a lot and probably should look here more b/c the old A are definitely harder to deal with in the long run. The current A have more sting but finding out about deceptions from years before, lies of the past, have deeper consequences I think. While you are in MC, ask questions...all you can.

Posts: 572 | Registered: Nov 2010
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Member # 43792
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cross roads

You will never know if there were more or all the details of the ones you do know about. For many FWS the As really meant so little to them or ith time the have truly forgotten many of the details.

I think one of the hardest things is for us the BS to go back in time and remember and wonder the hat ifs? I read here someplace and I don't remember exactly where but do not let the knowledge of what you ws did rob you of your past.
Your past is as you remember it. Hang on to those good memeories/ At first this is hard but after awhile I got it. Don't let them rob you of what you felt. Your feelings were and are real.

You will never trust agin the ay you did before but that is okay. I have read that it takes twics as long to recover from an A as the the A lasted. For those of us who found out years later we hae the added burden of knowing our sPs lied for however many years. I think even these M can recover if both partners put in 110%. I also feel it important to listen to you gut. It knows.

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: East coast
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