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xwh, who never so much as attended a sporting event, is now going to all practice, games, dr's appointments, etc., on his off days from the children. i know these are public grounds, but he walks them to my car and actually tries to put them in the car. last night, when he was walking away, he said, "I'll see you saturday." (which is the next game) he said it like it was a regular visitation time. and this is during his off time. then he got in his car and sat there while i was talking to another parent. when i got in my car, he was still sitting there in his car, staring at us. when i pulled out, his brake light came on and he followed us out. he did not follow us home, as far as i could tell. but, is this stalking???

i'd like to add that at one point, he was coming over to my house everyday. when i told him he couldn't do that, he started showing up at the babysitter's house every day. now that he's stopped that, he is showing up at games, practices and doctor's appointments. when you total up how many days he will have seen the kids this week, it will amount to 5 days! (during his off week)

It sound more like he's sad, not angry or controlling (which I think are the drivers of true stalking). Is his behavior bothering you? Are you uncomfortable with it?

alone, he is very controlling. i have to talk to the lawyer and GAL several times, because he was with holding information from me about things that were sent home during his visitation. he kept the soccer schedule from me and i just found out they had a game on saturday. he also has kept information sent home from school.

Yeah, funny how practices weren't a family affair for us either, until after we separated. Anyway.

The showing up at KID stuff isn't too odd, but what's up with going to the sitter - what was he doing there? And him watching me WOULD weird me out! I don't know if it's stalking, but it seems unsettling!

What a pain in the ass and embarrassing for you - but I'd ask the school and any league type stuff for them to send extra copies.

XH is copied on sports e-mails and we do share info too.

wannabe, he showed up at the sitter's house and would sit around. it weirded her out and she called to tell me what was going on. i am very unsettled by what is going on. his lawyer, my lawyer and the GAL have all told him he needs to be less controlling but things just seem to be escalating.

i send all sports and school info to him via email, so he is not out of the loop on my end.

[This message edited by kmmart at 12:22 PM, March 18th (Thursday)]

Okay, that is weird.

I think he's stalking, it sounds pretty creepy.

It probably is, but if he knows it's bugging you then he wins. So don't let him know. In fact make a point to say how great it is that he's finally being more involved with the kids.

There is a certain "feel" to someone who is stalking you. It will make you uncomfortable, make your hair stand on end, or just not feel right.

Sometimes, people really regret and are sad after a divorce, about losing their family. If he is showing up all over to see his kids, that may be just sadness and regret.

But, if there is a touch of menacing or anger in him, that is different. Listen to your instincts/gut on this one.

if he knows it's bugging you then he wins. So don't let him know

i don't say a word. i don't want him to know it's getting under my skin. while we were waiting for monday's practice to begin, my daughter was putting on her socks and cleats and he jumped right into the back seat of my car! when my daughter said she wanted to give him a hug, i just used it as an excuse to get him out of the car by saying, you'll get a better hug if you are standing up outside of the car.

Yes, I see this as a control thing too. At a certain point, it seems that all of the stbx begin this sort of uber-parenting routine. Mine started this soon after retaining an attorney, and his attendance at child events would increase just prior to any court appearances.

His showing up at the sitter's house is weird. I would hope your sitter might be able to help you put an end to that behavior. She shouldn't have to put up with his presence there when she's trying to do her job. Also, she is not there to facilitate his visitations with his child.

I agree with not indicating to him that his behaviors are bothering you - that will just egg him on. Don't engage him in conversation though. Be civil but curt and business-like, but don't encourage him to chit-chat with you. Don't sit near him. Put your chair in between groups alreay seated, so that there is no room for him to squeeze in. Change up your routines a bit -- park down the street and have dd put her cleats on prior to arrival at the park. Don't dally. Always have somewhere you need to be getting to ("hurry up kids, we've got to get on the road...")

Another thing I've found helpful is to have someone attend those events with you -- my parents would attend the kids' soccer games, and that kept him away from me for the most part.

At a certain point, it seems that all of the stbx begin this sort of uber-parenting routine. Mine started this soon after retaining an attorney, and his attendance at child events would increase just prior to any court appearances.

Oh, mine does that too. He is the perfect father when he knows we are going back to court. Hell, he even went to church during the divorce, so he could get more weekends, and look like the good upstanding, caring father. He told the judge that our dd loved church and her Sunday morning class, because he was trying to get more visitation time.

He doesn't believe in God. He never stepped inside a church before that moment, and he didn't even go with me when I had her baptized. But now, he is a Sunday church kind of dad. That lasted until the divorce hearing, at which point he quit cold.