SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am at a low, low point. I was doing well with R'ing with BS (D-Day was 12/18/09). I was definitely in the fog for awhile, spent some quality time away on vacation with the family and came back to work 99% confident everything was working out for the best. The XOW is a co-worker, I have to see her daily but have maintained almost complete NC (work reasons only) and am relocating to another office at end of March.

My problem is, over the last two weeks, all the old feelings have come back and I have so much anxiety about my choices. I can't really articulate this but it 'feels' like my gut is telling me I'm making the wrong choice to R yet my mind is still saying that's the way to go, hence the anxiety. Did other WS's go through this up & down fog? I was so hopeful that I was out and am crushed to be feeling like this again.

I know the 'out of sight, out of mind' situation will alleviate some of this anxiety but I still find myself thinking of the XOW so much it's casting doubt on my choices to date. I'm sorry for being less than clear, it's a good indicator of my confusion. I should state have been under unusual amount of stress lately and so hoping that is causing some of this anxiety.

I know EXACTLY how you feel! I want to say its the fog talking, but sometimes Im not so sure myself. I do think that sometimes, some marriages just arent meant to be. Sometimes its easier not to try...you have to decide which or what is going on with you. I know for myself personally, it was just easier not to try because BS and I are so different. However that doesnt make it ok. Maybe what you need is some time away from OW before you ultimately decide what is right for you and your M~ Dont stay in your M if its not what you really want or it wont be hard to find an excuse to do this again.

Im sorry if Im not much help...but I do know how you feel.

HR

I am sorry that I cannot offer much advice, mainly just empathy. I completely understand how you feel. Honestly, I have been wondering lately whether there really is such a thing as the "fog" - at least for me - or whether it is just a mind game we play to convince ourselves that our feelings for the AP weren't real and that our true love is for our BS, even if we've lost sight of that.

I am at two months of NC (five months from DD, but we went underground for awhile and continued the A) and I still love the OM. It is not as consuming as it once was, but not in a way that is any different than if I had cut off contact with a love I had determined wasn't good for me when I was single, if you know what I mean. In other words, I think the deep and abiding love I felt and continue to feel were real. But I still have to walk away (OM is M too) as much as that hurts.

All that to say that I think your confusion is normal in an A that was a romantic love affair (as opposed to an exit/ONS/or other affair that is not about developing a love relationship with the AP). I don't know how your marriage was pre-A, but you may just want to give yourself some time. Live with the confusion. Don't fight it and do forgive yourself for it. Talk it out in IC. But do not rush to make a decision either way. Continue NC to give yourself some room to think clearly and maybe journal along the way so you can track the progression of your thoughts.

Just my opinion, FWIW. I can empathize with your confusion. Hang in there.

[This message edited by GroundZero at 10:59 AM, March 11th (Thursday)]

Some marriages are just not meant to be. What if the OW is who you should be with?

I agree, I guess more than anything I am trying to determine if what I'm feeling is just the end of the A and that it will fade with time. But am not going to make any of these decisions for as long as possible to ensure it's the right one. Just disappointed in my relapse into the fog or whatever you wish to call it. I was really feeling much better before seeing OW in office again.

Sometimes out of sight, out of mind is not the answer. Obviously, in order to have A something is missing in the marriage to begin with. Trust your feelings. There is a reason you are feeling this way about the OW.

(*cough, cough* Man, a real pea souper today)

What you are feeling is withdrawl. My man you don't go with your feeling you go with your actions. BTDT. I was so convinced my MOW was "the one" I would have changed anything in my life to be with her and I mean anything. What kind of efforts have you made at being introspective? What kind of WORK have you done to find out why you permitted yourself to break your marriage vows. And I am sorry I don't want to hear about the "meant to be" stuff either. There is no book where all marriages are recorded and some fairy is determining the fate of each. If you HAVE to be in contact with OW what is your strategy to not break your marriage vows again? Are you in MC? What work have you done? I went thorugh IC, read a ton of books, religiously read SI paying particular attention to posts by Catwoman and EmptCup. You have to forge a direction out of this and paying attention to your feelings will put you back into the same mess. Love is and ACTION, CHOICE and COMMITTMENT. This is something you have to sieze control of or it is going to control you and that's not good. Again what kind of interior work have you done?

Please feel free to PM me. I have been where you are right now and know the work that is involved, but brother, it is ever so worth it in the end.

OMG yes, I know exactly how your feeling. I went through that for over a year, and to be honest, there are still times I wonder if I made the right choice.

You know the old saying, "follow your heart"? Well, I read follow your heart if your the one that has control over it, don't follow it if someone else is controlling it.

When I left xOM and came back to my BH, my heart was saying go back to xOM, but my mind was saying no, stay with your H. It was tough.

I think you really, really have to do alot of soul searching. I mean, if you truly love your spouse and you want to save your M, you can. But, if theres any doubt, and the love is lost, r'ing will never work.

Like alot of us WS's, we wish we had a crystal ball, or someone to tell us what to do and it would be right.

It sucks BIG time that we put ourselves in this situation, but we did it to ourselves. Now we have to go on and either fix what we broke, or end the M. It's not fair to the BS to be in false R'ing.

I always wished I could be one of them people that could just turn off feelings. But, I couldn't.

You have to ask yourself, why are you feeling this way. If you can figure that out, I think you'll find your answer..???

[This message edited by CookiesAZ at 11:36 AM, March 11th (Thursday)]

CAgirl...

Why don't you share your story? Sometimes it nice to get to know everyone

You are going to have ups and down like this. It is completly natural. I did too. I read your other post and see that you are in IC and MC. Good. Did you read any of the posts on addictive relationships? From your description it may be that you are addicted to the OW and really love has nothing to do with it. I was seriously addicted to my MOW and the withdrawl was physically painful but, after all the work I am in a much, MUCH better position now to make good relationship choices.

I think it's natural for the "fog" to come and go over time. Recovery from an affair is not a straight line. We WS's have our own roller coaster to ride as we get past this.

There are two thoughts going on here:

1. Should I stay with my spouse?

2. Do I want to be with the OP?

You have to disentangle these two thoughts from each other. I know that's easier said than done, but your decision to stay in or leave your marriage should not be made on whether or not you have a potential substitute waiting in the wings.

If you want to give R a chance, you need to let go of the OP completely. Otherwise, you aren't really giving it a chance, just prolonging the pain for everyone. You do this by choosing to let go and choosing to love your spouse.

If you don't want to give R a chance, then end your marriage, but do so knowing that the alternative may well be being alone, not being with the OP.

I'm not a big believer on "meant to be with" a certain person. There are a lot of people you could choose to make a life with, with varying degrees of happiness/success/whatever. It's entirely possible that BOTH your spouse and AP could provide you with a fulfilling life. It's also possible that it's true for one, the other, or neither. But it's dangerous to think that because you feel something still for the AP, it necessarily means that it's an either-or proposition and your marriage is wrong for you.

You need to make a choice. Give R a chance or not. And you do that with no guarantees.

[This message edited by EmptyCup at 11:47 AM, March 11th (Thursday)]

Obviously, in order to have A something is missing in the marriage to begin with. Trust your feelings. There is a reason you are feeling this way about the OW.

Welcome CAgirl. Sorry to t/j distraught's thread, but I have to respectfully disagree with you.

Sometimes there's nothing wrong with the marriage. The affair is mostly about what is broken in the wayward spouse. Even when there are things wrong with the marriage, there are many ways to deal with that that don't involve having an affair. We WS's have to dig deep to figure out why we chose an affair to deal with our problems instead of a healthier path. The fault lies within us.

I think telling a WS/FWS to trust their feelings is like handing a drug addict a lifetime supply of drugs. Our feelings are *not* to be trusted. The reason we feel the way we do about the AP usually lies within us, and has little to do with them. For many of us, the AP could have been anyone.

Of course there are exceptions, but until you've done the work to figure everything out, I would go on the assumption that you're part of the rule, not the exception.

I agree with DS, would you like to start a thread an introduce yourself?

[This message edited by EmptyCup at 11:55 AM, March 11th (Thursday)]

Hello Everybody,

Mind if a slightly more experienced WS chimes in?

You are all brand new to this shit hole that we've gotten ourselves into. I know 3 months seems like a while, but you'll see it isn't.

I hate the way "fog" gets described on SI. Because it is a weather term, some people describe it, incorrectly, in those terms.

"Fog" is subjective. Maybe you're in it (probably you still are), maybe you're not. I drives me nuts to read in Recon when someone writes my "my WS is back in the fog". First, he probably never left it. Secondly, he just may be a WS who isn't committed to R. Call it that, not fog.

Most of us didn't know how to deal with the things that bother us most or were a conflict avoider and ended up with an OP that was our release or hiding place.

Distraught: things have gotten a little tough and suddenly you have thoughts of OW. Do you think that is a coincidence? You thinking of running back to your secret hiding place? This is a rough ride, you gotta take the bumps if you really are committed to R.

Hugeregrets: OF COURSE it is easier not to try. And for a million reasons, some M don't survive an A. I'm sorry your M didn't survive.

G-zero: Fog is just the accepted name for the confusion of an A. You probably DID have real feelings but they were based almost entirely on lies and fantasy. And remember, we confuse it, but love isn't a feeling--it is a commitment.

Hang in there guys. I'm almost two years removed from dday and it is still a bumpy ride.

Also, don't confuse fog with withdrawals. Withdrawal sucks way more than fog--and you will go through it.

Distraught,

I agree with the last poster. There is no 'meant to be' and there are probably a number of women you could fall in love with and make a good life with, but it is a fantasy to think that there is one person, that one right, perfect person, who will make your life happy and whom you will stay in love with forever without effort. Staying in love and happily married takes work and effort, but like all things that take work and effort it is worthwhile.

The only way you should be considering leaving your wife is if you are unhappy in your relationship and would rather be a single person than be married to your wife. This is what helped me stay with my marriage. I knew that there is no way I would be thinking about leaving my H if it weren't for the fact that I wanted to be with OM. Without OM in the picture, my marriage was fine (and could be great with a little more effort...which it is now). That said, I still miss OM and think about him sometimes. If, if, I was an available, single person, perhaps we could have had a life together, but that relationship would have pitfalls and disappointments and would take effort down the road, even more than my marriage as there would be no history and children to act as cement when the going got rough.

If you were 99% sure on your vacation that you were making the right choice by staying, then I am 99.9% sure that you should stay in your marriage. If you really wanted out of your marriage, there would be no second thought, you would have left and known it was the right thing to do.

Don't worry about the feeling of missing the OW. It does not mean that you were 'meant' to be with her. It is only about craving something that brought you a good feeling and that craving will come back now and again (maybe for years...I still feel it sometimes after 2.3 years) which is OK, just recognize it for what it is.

CAgirl -

Some marriages are just not meant to be

You are right. Some marriages are not meant to be, the couple is incompatible, something is missing, there is no future for them. So, people should divorce and move on. What is not right is betraying someone's trust with an affair.

The discussion here has nothing to do with the state of the marriage. That is something to be worked on by both parties, if desired.

The discussion here is about infidelity, which is never the right choice.

I think the first thing to do is to get rid of the fairy tale fantasy notion of soulmates and meant to be. EVERY relationship takes work and commitment. You don't just wander around the world, looking for the one person who fits you perfectly.

Next, are you in IC? To me it doesn't really sound like fog, it sounds like you are falling into the same type of patterns that allowed you to fall into an affair to begin with. Did you have some type of trigger? I think finding out exactly what was going on when this feeling came on is key. Then change the way you respond to it.

If you are not in IC, sometimes the best way to approach dealing with it is to sit down and deal with it logically, not emotionally. Sit down, make a list of why the relationship you are in is better than the one you are pining after.

Sometimes it is as simple as making a choice, and then committing to that choice.

Distraught-

I totally agree with Onlysolution who I think hits the nail on the head. When you step back and really look at your relationship with your BS, you must instinctively know what you have and what you would be giving up. It is incredibly easy to justify in your head what you did but when you measure the moments of whatever pleasure you received versus a long-term relationship of love and caring, there is an instant mental decision making which only the deepest fog will cloud. I think you were at your mental clearest when you spent quality time with your family on vacation.

Everybody's story is different, everybody has to make their own decisions and everyone here I think is pulling for you to recognize what's truly best for you and your BS.

I agree with DB that love isn't (just) a feeling, but I think more than being a commitment, it is a choice. That may be the crux of your issue here. Are you willing to choose to love your BW along with the exclusive commitment to her that is inherent in that decision?

I agree as well that the decision has to be made without regard to the OW.

I walked away from my OM. But I also ultimately ended my marriage. Fear kept me from doing it sooner - the fear that maybe a life with someone I could tolerate (and sometimes enjoy) was better for my kids than their parents living apart, as well as the fear that I would be alone for the rest of my life.

I decided that I'd rather be alone, possibly forever, than continue on in my M - for a myriad of reasons that are TMI. But I think you only leave your M if your decision would be the same even if you knew you'd never be with your OP again either.

Once I decided, once and for all, I knew it was the right choice. And I have remained sure of it ever since. But I struggled with that decision for years (long before OM even came into the picture).

Just like we can choose to love someone, I think we can choose not to anymore. Feelings don't just turn on and off for most of us, however, and the pain of that choice will remain for longer than we might hope. There are ways we can structure our thoughts to lessen the time and intensity of the withdrawal, but it still bites in a major way. Call it an addiction, call it a fog - whatever. But make your decision and do what you have to to get through it.

You are understandably struggling. I am not sure how your DDay happened, but if the a ended suddenly, that can make the pain worse as can seeing your OW every day. But you need to decide whether you are willing to commit to choose to love your BW and stay M to her, without regard to the OW. I think that decision has to be made for certain before you can commit to R.

I really feel for you.

Distraught,

Welcome to SI, sorry you are here, glad you are seeking help.

First off let me make this clear, you are not in NC..not at all.

If you see the OW everyday..then every day you get a "fix". Even if it's just visual..it's still a fix.

That's like a wino saying they are clean, but they go by the liquor store 5 out of 7 days and stand in the aisles and look at all the wine.

Pretty soon they will buy a bottle.

You are having trouble disengaging from the fog because you go right back to what supplies the fog.

Until you can go complete NC for 6 months up to a year, you will be up and down like an elevator in a retirement home. I understand the work situation. It will be extremely hard to even commit to your marriage while you work with the OW. It is possible, but you have to be truly remorseful and truly willing to fix your marriage.

I can't even say you are in withdrawal, but it will seem unlikely when you can get a fix every work day.

When you can't really see or talk the with OW, then you will experience some true withdrawals.

Until then you are only getting a demo of withrawal. Not the real thing.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 1:45 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]