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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, May 15th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Booger - good for you! I bet it feels good. You are on your way!!!

Allgood - Are you sure we are not married to the same man? I too tried to get H to answer the 10 questions and he acted like he was some dumb fuck. Maybe it wasn't acting?

FWH had IC yesterday also and when I asked how it went he started talking about OW. I was proud of myself because I could feel my blood boiling but I stayed calm, didn't cry, didn't speak, I just let him talk. He talked for two hours. He told me how he met her and how they became friends and there was one point he started to talk about the sex and I started to hold my breath because I wasn't sure I wanted to hear it. But he didn't give details. He told me he was sorry for fucking up and if he could take it back and do it again he would never ever have crossed the line.

I guess it was good that he talked but why now after almost a year is he still talking about OW? Does he miss her? Does he still think about her? I guess maybe OW was the topic in IC?


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, May 15th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun! I think that your H shared all of that with you was great! Especially given how difficult it must have been to do it.
It doesnt sound at all to me like he was thinking about/pining for ow - it sounds directly related to the ic - probably ic suggested it for 1 reason of another.
And, good for you! I can't believe you held it together & let him talk without interrupting/commenting (I really, really struggle with this).
Sounds good - do you feel better? (You sound better).


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, May 15th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*poof*
Yay for you! Moooovin’ on! Now to work on getting rid of any other crap you’re holding on to. When it’s the right moment, it can be soooo cathartic.

Anyway - as Mr. Allgood likes to do - when I come home from work yesterday -there it is - his list of things he likes about me!
Awww! It’s a big step in the right direction. And I think you started with the easiest task – bet he got it all down in ten minutes and wondered how many pages he should run to!!

nofun, remember that IC is just that – individual. If he wants to talk about his sessions and you want to hear about what went on, that’s okay. But it is HIS therapy and much of it should stay in the counsellor’s room. That way, with little or no input from you, he can work through his issues and memories from that time and come out the other side as a more complete and understood person. I think you should just know if the session went well or not, they can be tiring, draining, emotional, upsetting and, sometimes, satisfying. Never press him on what went on or make him feel he has to share with you. Just my take on IC/MC. Please don’t take offence.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, May 15th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mr. Allgood is having a break through? That is wonderful! Do you feel better?

I do feel better but I think I read into more than what is really there.

UKGirl - I take no offense. I just asked how IC went and that's when he just started to talk. He doesn't do much talking. I never replied, I just listened. I guess it must have went well if he felt the need to talk about it. The last session he told me that the IC had a list of things wrong with him. And that was the end. I don't press.

We did discuss boundaries though. He now understands what those are and how to deal with them. So that's a good thing. I hope the next time a woman throws herself at him, he does what he is supposed to do. And I've seen women throw themselves at him...right in front of me. They have slipped their phone numbers in his pocket at the grocery store, it's disgusting. I chaulked it up to a "man in uniform" thing. Some women are just so pathetic. I never worried about it before but now I am bothered by it.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, May 15th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

booger: what is a "NB"


allgood: yay mr allgood, he is coming along..

(

Now, the poor dear didn't realize of course that this was just the 1st step in a mult-step exercise, , but I think I will keep that to myself for alittle while


fun:

I just let him talk. He talked for two hours. He told me how he met her and how they became friends and there was one point he started to talk about the sex and I started to hold my breath because I wasn't sure I wanted to hear it. But he didn't give details. He told me he was sorry for fucking up and if he could take it back and do it again he would never ever have crossed the line.

first, this is really really good, he is opening up and trusting you with everything he has and this is great....and i know just how nuts that sounds that he is trusting you, but that is pretty much what it is, he is trusting you with his worst truths...so much better then his best lie...

and

allgood said:

And, good for you! I can't believe you held it together & let him talk without interrupting/commenting (I really, really struggle with this).

ME TOO!!!! ...keeping my mouth shut is not one of my fortes....not at all...and i drip in sarcasm too... ..


(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 1:32 AM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwant it means new begining ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Booger Bear, it will be such a great New Beginning.....


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun…
He told me he was sorry for fucking up and if he could take it back and do it again he would never ever have crossed the line.
That sure does sound like an good apology to me.. You now have it in writing too… At times, you will forget what he told you that day.
Does he still think about her?
I think you already know the answer to that. Of course he still thinks about her. She was part of his life for a long time. It would be ridiculous to think or expect any of our spouse “not think about” the other person. Missing them… of course there was thing they loved about those other people… and likely miss. But so what, you cannot control their minds.

Let me describe something I changed about myself that is filling a hole that my W once filled with OM. For all those years my wife committed adultery, 2 or 3 times a week, my W and OM, after work would just sit around and talk about work related things. All those details are not that important to me… but she needs someone to listen. I did want nor need to hear about that crap and today I like some of it but much of it is stuff that is just not to interesting. Today, I fill that need though…I listen. And I make an effort and choice to also try to do nothing but affirmation. I call this making the choice to love my W. I could also make the choice to tell her this… I don’t what to hear that shit.


Allgoodnamesgone… as for Retrouvaille. I was also afraid to ask my W to attend. In fact, she didn’t want to go… She brushed me off… she said no … she didn’t want others to know our relationship business. See my W is a hider… keeps things inside… afraid to let her real self show…

In June last year, the tension in my life was like standing in a dark ally all alone at midnight on a New York street, not knowing what was creeping around the corner. I was afraid, down on me, hated life, and about to make the decision to visit the attorney and file divorce so I could force myself to move on in life. Run away for my commitments… The only thing that made me feel good was that I just ran a half marathon, my weight was in the doctors “healthy range” and that was the first time that had happened since 1987. That was the only thing visibly positive about me. I was ready to pursue a new partner in life. My IC, sweet Louise, mentioned maybe I should attend Retrouvaille. I told my W, I needed to go. She said OK and I signed us up that day. I got an email from my W that said she was looking at the web site… I said I had already paid the deposit for August. You don’t have to share anything about you, your relationship to anyone. It is about teaching you to take down the mask you wear and be a true partner… It teaches you how to not be afraid to discuss conflict in the marriage, in a safe way… you somehow relate to every presenter…You don’t present. The presenters have walked the path you have taken. You take what they teach you and put it to practice during the weekend. You might say a prayer at the beginning and the end of each day… this is not some recruitment into religion.

See Allgood.. I think you fear your H. You admit it here…

you had to see the expression on his face
He fears you too… How are you going to get to a point where you can not fear addressing conflict? How are you going to be able to reach him in a deep meaningful, intimate way? It’s my bet that when you first started dating each other, you might have had some of this…Some people hide in the beginning because they “THINK” they know what a perfect mate is and they “act” or perform it or fake it… If you fake it, you will never be happy in life… if you continue to hide… you both will hide… it will not be real.

Take a chance in life and save yourself and marriage. Your H has huge issues. He’s a “runner” He cannot talk to you other than body language? I have taken classes in body language and it is meaningless. There are too many variables contend with and it is unreliable.
About 3 or 4 “runners” left during that weekend my W and I attended. But 100% that stayed at the end of the program believed it was worth the effort. No matter if you decided to leave your M or not, you will be happy you attended.

You learn something call the five D’s.
Desire – Recognize a need for change
Dialogue – Share feelings
Discuss – Express thoughts, ideas, opinions, attitudes
Decide – Compromise, decide to love
Do – Action to create change…

Don’t be afraid… My W changed that weekend. It was a miracle. It will not mean you will rid you feelings over the trauma you experienced… but, we are not afraid of each other any more…. Openness.

booger bear… I think you are moving into happiness! Keep moving forward! And never look back with anything but it as a learn experience.

UK.. you always seem to give me a chuckle...

Peace to all today…

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:33 AM, May 16th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwant it means new begining ...

gotta get me one of those one of these days..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For all those years my wife committed adultery, 2 or 3 times a week, my W and OM, after work would just sit around and talk about work related things. All those details are not that important to me… but she needs someone to listen . . . Today, I fill that need though…I listen. And I make an effort and choice to also try to do nothing but affirmation. I call this making the choice to love my W.

Tryn - I can really relate to this since it is very similar to what went on with my H and the OW. As strange as this may sound, I was so glad she was willing to hang on his every word. Of course, I had no idea that they were f'ing after the listening was done. I did suspect that she was in love with my H but I never saw her as a threat since she is so unattractive. I never once believed my H would look at her in anything but a friendly way. My H is very "high maintenance" always needing affirmation, ego boosting, endless praise and attention. It's so tiring. The OW showered him with it all and I felt safe because, quite honestly, she is ugly and seriously overweight. Little did I know!
Ooops - off topic a bit.

I just wanted to agree with you that we really do need to recognize what it is our S needs from us and make some changes ourselves if we are really interested in making our M's better after the A. Granted, it is the FWS that has most of the work but we do need to look at the things we can do to ensure the success of R.
Kudos to you tryn!
Now, on the other hand, I'm not so sure I agree that our S's continue to think about the OW/OM if by that you mean in a longing kind of sense. I actually think that many of our S's who had LTA's didn't know how to get out of them after it became somewhat of a habit, especially if the OW/OM was a co-worker. It became complicated and getting caught provided them the "out" I think a lot of our S's were looking for. Just MHO. What do you think?
Any thoughts might be due to associations, just like we have triggers, but I'm not sure they are good thoughts, or wistful thoughts. Who knows??


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 12:35 PM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it feels truly amazing ... the butterflies are wonderful ...

I have taken down 2 more pictures ... they are not put away ... they sit on the bathroom counter face down tho ... so I don't look at them ... taking my baby steps ... slowly yes but I am taking them ... and the butterflies are sooooooooo delicious ....

allgood ... Mr. allgood sounds like he is moving in the right direction ... and I am so happy for you ... be happy for what he is trying to do ... it may not be perfect or always the right thing ... but the effort is there ... he needs you to be there and let him know when it is right and good and when he just totally did not get it ... KWIM ???

nofun ... I know you really want to know the content of the IC sessions ... like a fly on the wall ... I remember that feeling when stbx was going thru his 1-2 sessions he felt obligated to go thru ...

now with my NB ... it is different ... he is not on SI however he is in IC over his lost marriage ... I am not sure what happened yet in his M ... but I let him share what he wants to ... I let him know I am there to listen and be a sounding board if he needs it ... I try to give the best advice from SI to him I can ... but this is his journey and when he is ready to share he will ... and I will be there to listen ...

so I guess what I am trying to say is just be there when he comes back from IC ... be open and comforting ... and in time he will share with you ...

iwant your NB is anything you want it to be ... with your kids ... with your job ... and in some aspect with pfm ... even tho I know you are just holding on long enough for your child ... it is still a NB ... and when it is at that point ... you know the point ... when you know your child is ok and you are ready to finally break the ties to pfm ... your NB takes a step into a whole new world ... and then it is up to you ... KWIM ??? I know you do ...

***tribe***


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

now with my NB ... it is different ... he is not on SI however he is in IC over his lost marriage ... I am not sure what happened yet in his M ... but I let him share what he wants to ... I let him know I am there to listen and be a sounding board if he needs it ... I try to give the best advice from SI to him I can ... but this is his journey and when he is ready to share he will ... and I will be there to listen ...

So, Booger, NB = new beginning/new boyfriend??? Am I reading this right?


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 1:59 PM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well we have not offically declared ourselves as boyfriend/girlfriend ... but we are definately more than just friends ... and it feels wonderful ... we have not met yet and we are only talking online ... but holy cow he is amazing ...

and I love where this is going ... and we have no choice to take things slow ... because well we live so far apart ... so when we do meet if it progressses that far it will be a year or more since we started talking and since my D should be final or very close to final ...

I don't think I could have planned it better myself if I had written this for myself ...

and it just happened ... I was not out looking for it ... it just fell into my lap ... he has been a long FB friend and we would just chit chat on FB everyonce in awhile ...

he had not been on in a couple weeks and I did not realize it till I saw him on one day ... and I sent him a message asking what he had been up to ... he answered back and the rest is history ...

and I like it so much ... he is so far different from anything I have ever known before ... I already feel adored and cherrished ... amazing how that can happen over FB from 100's of miles apart ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

booger;

tread lightly my friend, your heart is so so fragile right now.....and so is his...you are both so vulnerable and both have broken hearts....a really really iffy place to start or even think about a long term relationship....

just tread lightly and try really hard not to get so serious so soon...friends with benefits right now is probably a great idea as opposed to believing and hoping for "the future"...i can feel you falling really fast and really hard...and its really easy to do coming down from where you are...and that is probably the catalyst to you purging all things stbxh.....

just try to have fun with this man....don't think future...think present tense at all times....

and i am happy for you btw...happy you have someone who cares in the way you need...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Booger - I agree with Miracle 100%. Taking baby steps, as you said, is in your best interest right now for the both of you. (((BB)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - not only did I not know what "NB" meant - I also don't know what "KWIM" means!

Tryn:

How are you going to be able to reach him in a deep meaningful, intimate way?

Ouch.
I really don't know.
The thing is - we began our relationship as teenagers - we didn't meet as adults. So, maybe we both missed some maturing along the way as far as interpersonal relationships. We always enjoyed each other's company & never wanted to be apart & we got married. To be honest, I never had the "soul mate" kind of feeling & that was totally fine. We never had serious conversations about out feelings. Neither one of us is comfortable with it.
So, it's not so much that we are unable to discuss conflict I think as it is that I know he is going to hate every second of it, I know it's contrary to the way in which we have communicated in the past and as I feel uncomfortable about it as well, I guess I feel almost stupid for bringing up these ideas.
BUT - I did bring it up & we did do it! C'mon - we definitely get points for this. lol.

And - my H mentioned (and I was thinking the same thing) that we neve really did the whole pre-cana thing seriously either - in fact, I did his hw for him - so we looked very compatible on paper! Lol.
(Ok - now in hindsight - maybe not so funny) but at the time - well, we were young & in love & those exercises just seemed stupid & unnecessary.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now, on the other hand, I'm not so sure I agree that our S's continue to think about the OW/OM if by that you mean in a longing kind of sense.

fnf, I do not think FWW thinks about her past with OM with longing, but I do believe that she recalls events with longing, the OM is immaterial in these memories; the first class travel and meals, the feeling of power and control, the times when the sex was all about her, the seemingly unconditional affirmation. She does not miss the OM, but I am sure she misses these feelings from time to time.

I actually think that many of our S's who had LTA's didn't know how to get out of them after it became somewhat of a habit, especially if the OW/OM was a co-worker. It became complicated and getting caught provided them the "out" I think a lot of our S's were looking for.

I wonder about this. There was no problem getting NC from FWW and OM once I exposed the affair. FWW says she had lost interest in the OM by Dday, but cell phone contacts and text lengths had been increasing the months before Dday after having dropped. If her claims of sex about once per month are true, they were together 2x the month of Dday, so I do not know what to believe. FWW does say that while she was planning to end her affair and re-dedicate herself to our M it would not have worked, she had tried that before. She was not able to break off with OM#1 until she was involved with OM#2, even though OM#1 came to disgust her by being cheap and controlling.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 3:04 PM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thnx everybody ... and we have really no choice but to go slow ... we are 100's if not 1,000's of miles apart ...

so the 1st time we will be able to see eachother will be at my grad in Feb. 2011 ...

and yes you are so right he is part of the reason I am starting to go thru and purge stbx ... still slowly but I am doing it ...

and we are taking baby steps however we may be taking 5-7 baby steps at a time ...

and I am afraid ... I am scared ... but it feels so right and so different ... no one has ever given me these feelings before ...

even in the very early stages of our relationship stbx did not ... I had the butterflies yes ... but not like these ... I swear ...

this feels so different and I like right now we are so far apart ... we both need the time and space to heal ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: It sounds to me like the A was dying a natural death, which is good. Actually, I envy that in a way. I've always had trouble with the concept that my H & the OW never fought, were happy - then BAM! - he has to end it. Makes me wonder if he can ever get over it. (He doesn't seem to be grieving & he certainly denies having feelings for her, but let's face it - he's not exactly honest & candid with me.)
I think this is what fuels the bulk of my anxiety about him running into her again. (Which is inevitable - if it hasn't happened already...)

Booger: This is so exciting! I'm so happy for you.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allthegoodnamesgone,

I don't know. The OM could piss her off, infect her with and STD, she kept coming back. Had she been that tolerant of me we woud never have had a problem. Hard to know hat to believe, I will never know the full truth.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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