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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, May 13th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgivenotforget... I triggered in that movie "It's complicated"... It was funny at times but it has alot of infidelity in it... and show people hurting... my feelings started surfaced... But, I am months beyond that day we watched it. Today, I can watch that stuff easier... There is just so many shows that all involve cheating... it makes one think it's almost normal...

Oh well have a good evening!


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, May 13th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyway, I have a job interview tomorrow and was hoping you could send some good vibes my way.

LH2, good vibes sent


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, May 13th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

.
My children (all adults) all told me that would support any decision I made after d-day but when I asked each one individually what they had hoped for they all admitted to me that they wanted us to stay together.

My adult children said the same thing. The happiest times for me are when the family is all together, laughing, joking and carrying on. I live for my family.

H seems to think I wouldn’t cheat. He says it’s not in me. The thing is, having never been tempted before, never crossed my mind, I don’t think I could now say never

Ukgirl - My H used to say the same thing as yours...but I think he's a little concerned now. It never crossed my mind to ever cheat. I've had plenty of opportunity in my lifetime and I still get hit on but I make believe I'm stupid and don't get it. I walk away!! Maybe I really am stupid???


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, May 13th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe. Page 50 is coming fast. I don't think I'm going to be here till next week sometime. Have fun moving to the new LTA house.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
how can I go on
♀ New Member
Member # 27432
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, May 13th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgoodnamesgone
I know exactly what you mean. For a good year and a bit whenever anything came on television that contained anything about infidelity I could not watch it. I remember once in Turkey at a friends home my H actually started to interpret a film for me I jumped up from my seat saying I cannot watch this I hope the bloody bitch dies a horrible death” and stormed out. My H was startled and apologised. No they don’t get it do they?

However 1 year and 10 months after d day I now enjoy movies where one or both A partners meet a violent death the more brutal the better.

I think your husband made a genuine mistake I have never seen that film either and I would have thought it was a romantic comedy too. Your H said the wrong thing sure, and clumsily tried to cheer you up by saying it might end well BS might kill WS.
Of course it is inexplicable to us that they still don’t see just how our lives have changed because of their betrayal. But your H is only human and we all say stupid things sometimes.

nofun
You said that your FWH was worried and asked if he needed to be afraid if some guy pays attention to you and you said "absolutely". Well done I like that, what did he say when you said “ABSOLUTELY”? lol.

iwantamiracle
I definitely want the marriage to work, I do still love him as strange as that may sound. All I want is my name as joint owner on everything we have and to make a will to my children. I don’t mind the OC having a share of H estate with my children.

ukgirl
My H has dual nationality it was only a small fine because he did not register our marriage in Turkey. There identity cards should hold up to date information. I am

learning so much here I could not understand why the OW was so hostile but it makes sense now. Thanks to all you wise people here on SI.

Now I am going to look for your H poem.

lovinlife
I am sorry that your great niece lost her baby.

Hugs to everyone


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: London and Bodrum,Turkey
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 6:25 PM, May 13th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok it is all done ... as soon as judge signs it I am D-ed ...

No spousal support, or atty's fee's paid ...

I got the split on the retirement tho ... 70/30 my favor ...

that was very fair I think since it is the only thing of value we have and he cannot afford to pay me support or my atty fees ...

so I am happy ...

I did not cry, I did not scream out she is a home wrecking twat waffle (thank you for that phrase cat) ...

I kept it very business like and professional ... (thnx gma )

My atty is going to get back to me tomorrow and let me know a closer time line to when the judge will sign and if we still have to have the status conf on Monday ...

*sigh* still no crying ... weird kinda ... the end of 9yrs ... hmmm ... I feel kinda

numb I guess ... I don't know ...

thnx for all the support ...

love ya all ... ya'll really made the diff in my turn around and how well I am doing ... thank you all SI ...(special shout out to my LTA's)

so what now ??? I know I have been slacking in here lately and I am sorry ... feel bad posting for advice ... when I hardly ever answer any of you all ...

know this I pray for each of you every night to be safe, happy, and to have strength ... every night I swear ...

***tribe***


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, May 13th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I triggered in that movie "It's complicated"...

Tryn - I thought I would too so I didn't go to the theater to see it but waited until it came out on DVD. (SPOILER ALERT!) I think because Streep played the ex-wife and then had the A with her ex-husband who was cheating on the OW, it didn't bother me at all. In fact, I was glad to see that. It was a classic case of "getting even" and although I'm not usually a vindictive person, I was glad when the OW (now the ex's H) discovered her H was still in love with his ex-wife. It made me smile.
I often wonder how many times a S leaves their H/W only to discover that they made a huge mistake and wish they had never left.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, May 13th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I triggered at the mention of my m-i-l having gone to see the movie! three plus yrs out and I can't watch infidelity themed shows w/o having the tears accumulate and roll. I really don't like when I've followed most of a TV show and the A stuff is revealed in the last 10-15 minutes.
There is just so many shows that all involve cheating... it makes one think it's almost normal...
Alas, this is too true and makes me want to

Lovin: I am so sad to read of the loss of your great-niece's baby... made me tear up to read this. devastating to all concerned and having to make sense of it to the child who has lost their sibling.

Booger Bear: glad to read you're satisfied with today's outcome. hope the rest will go smoothly for you.

{{{LH2}}} bed rest and a job interview tomorrow! take care of yourself and mojo from me winging across the ocean to you.

The happiest times for me are when the family is all together, laughing, joking and carrying on. I live for my family.

Have to agree! this is why I'm still with FWH. Been together more than half our lives (no idea yet why the A after 30 yrs-may never know the way things are playing out) and I can't imagine ruining our family esp. now that we are grandparents. Only 2 adult children are aware of his A (younger DS & only DD who are the parents of our precious grandbabies) and they both wanted us to stay together. Oldest DS may have noticed the strain in our relationship but has said nothing and I believe he just doesn't want to know. this makes me feel really strange despite knowing that our 1st-born is very private emotionally.

{{{LTA}}} you are in my thoughts and prayers. I just don't know what to post a lot of the time and end up with too much in my head to dwell on. (Weird and hard to explain - empathy is just so hard to deal with along with my own sadness)


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, May 13th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - I can't stay because my H thinks I'm doing laundry & has already come down to see what was taking so long (my daughter is being a bit of a pain in the ass at the moment), but I've read everyone's posts - I will respond tomorrow- but this jumped out at me:

However 1 year and 10 months after d day I now enjoy movies where one or both A partners meet a violent death the more brutal the better

That really cracked me up. Thanks!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, May 13th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how can I go on - you sound much better now than when you first posted here. I'm glad SI has helped.

When I said "absolutely" that my H had to worry about other men paying attention to me....he just put his head down, made a face and walked away. He does not express his feelings at all. So most of the time I have no clue what he is thinking.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, May 13th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip:

Tribe. Page 50 is coming fast.

i seriously started to picture chicken little....the end is near.. ...of course i also finished watching 2012 with most of the family, minus manchild...

manchild was at it again.. ...we did see the therapist earlier today...something tells me this long road is about to get a bit longer...looking forward to the big destination of happiness i keep telling myself will be there..


go on:

I definitely want the marriage to work, I do still love him as strange as that may sound.

doesn't sound strange at all, love can go a long way....but only if it is truly recipricated in a healthy way..

All I want is my name as joint owner on everything we have and to make a will to my children.

very very smart...and needs to be done yesterday...i did this too, not the joint ownership thing but the will, i needed to make sure my ws's family couldn't get anything if both pfm and i died, not our children and not our assets...this was a biggie..and once it was done the sigh i breathed could be heard clear across the state..

I don’t mind the OC having a share of H estate with my children.

and this is magnanimous, it shows just how much character you have and have had through it all.....and i agree completely...so yay


booger:

ok it is all done ... as soon as judge signs it I am D-ed ...

its ok to be sad, its a formal ending of something that meant everything to you...and its also the end of one life and the beginning of another...it really is ok to greive for this...and i know you have been doing just that...but the formality has that definitive permanent ring to it making it official...

and then you pick yourself up and realize that your new life has already begun and its wonderful...and getting better all the time..


feel bad posting for advice ... when I hardly ever answer any of you all ...


we have all been there....this is not something to feel bad about...and keep coming...and posting...and asking...and giving us updates...and your hugs...and your humor....
and this goes for you too lostsoul..

what i love about our bunch is that its like we are all really old friends, dont need to talk everyday but when we do its like we never left kind of feeling....and we really are an awesome bunch of people...and there isn't a one of us who hasnt' chimed in on occasion when we felt the need, the drive or just felt like making a connection...we all also have checked out from time to time...this is not a place that needs a committment of that type...we are not a people that need anyone to punch a time card per say or keep track of who gives what advice....

and we are all guilty of lurking without posting from time to time, and some of us lurk for a while, maintaining the connection without making it formal...but the connection runs deep...we all share a really special unique horrible bond...we are all survivors of the same kind of hurt....(((((tribe)))))


However 1 year and 10 months after d day I now enjoy movies where one or both A partners meet a violent death the more brutal the better

i'm with allgood, i loved this too..



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, May 14th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However 1 year and 10 months after d day I now enjoy movies where one or both A partners meet a violent death the more brutal the better

I too love this....every morning when I get out of the shower I give the "Italian Evil Eye" to OW. I wonder when I'll stop doing that?


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, May 14th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgivenotforget…
I often wonder how many times a S leaves their H/W only to discover that they made a huge mistake and wish they had never left.

I think some are so selfishness and greedy they need to justify… so some never see it as a mistake… However… I think they always start new relationships to find the same ole problems… lol… and try a bit harder and differently.. yep… My friend says he regrets being such a horrible person to his 1st W. I don’t know because that is something I will never experience.. Don’t want to and will never make a choice to make that mistake…

As far as that movie… I guess I was seeing the hurt in his 2nd W… I was feeling it… I was pissed Streep for what she had done… Her Xh was pure scum… I kept thinking he has no idea what commitment and relationships are about..

Even last night, the sitcom Office had adultery. Michael was having an A with a woman.. meeting at the hotel… all the folks in the office was against the A… but his ego was telling him it was good, he wanted to have fun so bad… so they visited the AP’s H… It concluded with Michael breaking up… This was something my W didn’t have the strength to do until I discovered it… My W was watching with me… We didn’t say a word. I wondered what she was thinking… Curiosity more then anything.


booger bear.. Congratulations… You have just taken another step toward finding true happiness… God might be looking out for you… Just think about yourself… achieving goals of a great career, a new chance to find romance, that good solid relationship… (Give us this day our daily bread) and freedom from someone that controlled you (but deliver us from evil) … I’m sure you will forgive you xH for what he’s done and live at peace… Retirement money is good!

Nofun and How can… It seems to me that our spouses gotta have some thick skin to R too… The sensitive one’s run away… lol…

OK everyone… do something extra nice for someone today and see what that get’s ya….


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, May 14th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lovin, you and I were posting at the same time so I didn’t see your lines about your g’niece. That is just so sad. I hope they can find the reason for his sudden tragic death, it may help the parents come to terms if they understand there was nothing they could do to prevent it.

But great news for your DD! Honors (sp? Honours??? LOL!!!) eh? Clever girl!

LostH – yucky yuck. Being told to do nothing is double edged. Try to stay calm and let things wash over you. If something isn’t done or done the way you like it, will it matter in a couple of months time? No. Let it wash over you and enjoy the rest – that way you’ll get back on your feet much sooner. And really hoping you interview went well. Sick or not, you deserve that job! When do you hear? >>>>twiddling thumbs<<<< Sending mojos for the decision makers……

t makes one think it's almost normal...
Unfortunately yes. And before d-day I would have enjoyed them as one of the smug married’s unaffected by the stormy seas of infidelity. But like FNF, I reckon when I do get to see it, I’ll be a little “yeessss!!” at OW getting a dose of her own medicine!

I now enjoy movies where one or both A partners meet a violent death the more brutal the better.
And the sort like Shattered (Pierce Brosnan) where the BS really sets out to get revenge. At the end, even though it was a shade over the top revenge, I was folding my arms saying “serves them fucking right, assholes!!”

I still get hit on but I make believe I'm stupid and don't get it.
Ditto – happened to me at the weekend. Didn’t fancy him and he is someone’s bf anyway. But now I am so aware and it’s a conscious decision to act stupid rather than an instinctive defensive one. Someone did notice it, but I acted all innocent and said he wasn’t coming on to me.

How can I – thanks for clearing that up. Having sent you back to my H’s poem, I hope it made some sort of sense with regard to your WH. They find themselves in a dilemma and just hope somehow it will all go away. But, on the other hand, my WH still needed her. He couldn’t let go, she tried and he just went after her. So she didn’t try very hard, did she? But maybe it was all part of the fantasy game or theatre. Still beyond me why anyone would willingly get themselves into such deep shit when the outcome can be so catastrophic.

Booger dear. Well, you gave it your best shot. You left the door open and now you know it’s time to close it and move on. I know you’ve had great support over in the D&S forums, they are such a feisty bunch down there! Well done on keeping your dignity and integrity intact. I’m proud of you!! Step out into the sunshine sweetie. (((((Booger)))))

And btw:

I often wonder how many times a S leaves their H/W only to discover that they made a huge mistake and wish they had never left.
If you have cause to cross paths with your ex, have a real good look in his eyes. Nearly everyone I know whose spouse has left them has stood on the doorstep with “that look”. It’ll only happen once, but it’s the look of sorrow that says “I fucked up big time”. They know they’ll never have it back. And I’ve lost count of the number who have gone off with the AP only for it to not work out. I dunno. Some people are so fucking selfish and stupid. It’s a bit like that Aesop’s fable about the dog and his bone, looking at his reflection in the river.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, May 14th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl...
I’ve lost count of the number who have gone off with the AP only for it to not work out.
my W's brother, who left his 1st W for his AP, Just recently told me it was a mistake having his A. He's still M to AP after 14 years and says he loves her, but did tell me it was the biggest mistake of his life… His kids, my niece and nephew, have not turn out to be successful young adults.. yet. I guess there is hope… They are not yet 30.

It's funny how the all say it later in life... I guess you figure out it wasn't about the other person.. it's about yourself.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, May 14th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a quick fly by - wanted to share with you my husband's experience with ic today:
IC tells him he's doing everything he can except that he should take the initiative more to discuss our relationship.

I find this very amusing because ic's impression is clearly based upon what my husband tells him! For example - he failed to tell him that he snuck out of work to go to a party & only tells me (a month later) because he got caught & was going to be docked the time. (And I would see it on his paystubs).
Truly classic.

Anyway - Tryn- I know you have highly recommended Retrovaille (I cant spell that) & I have put it off. Here is exactly why: I've been reading "Not Just Friends" (great book so far) & tried to get my H to do the exercise about sharing 10 things we like about each other - you had to see the expression on his face - you would think he was just sentenced to death. He would never survive anything like Retrovaille. (And - we still havent done the exercise).


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 8:49 PM, May 14th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

guess what I just did ???

I deleted the tv program ... just saw it on my dvr and did not even think twice about it ... Just pushed the buttons and it was gone ...

*poof*

Like it never happened ... and I have been looking at all this *stuff* lingering around ... and already marking stuff ... trash ... box/storage ... keep ...

ect ect ...

wow 2wks makes a huge diff ...

YAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I deleted it and it does not bother me ... at all ... I don't member why I kept it ... do one of you member ???


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, May 14th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

booger:

i've got one word for you my friend, can you guess what that word it...come on, i think you can guess...

Y A Y


i am so so proud of you, so proud...

what made you do it?...


and how was the test?

and allgood: how do you know for sure what the ic is telling him, he may also be telling you what he wants you to hear ...just a thought..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 11:00 PM, May 14th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you and the other helpful LTAer's are what did it ... and me ... and my NB ...

and I made my corrections but I gotta make more ... 7 more to do ...

sheesh ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, May 15th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Booger: Good for you deleting the tv show. That's fabulous! (I feel the same way when I delete one of my h's texts that I've kept in my phone just in case).

Miracle: yes I believe the IC said this - because he has at times said it to me. I actually almost handed my H a letter addressed to ic yesterday stating 3 things I thought my H could use help with. Namely: root cause, boundaries & conflict avoiding.
Didn't give it to him tho - thought it made me look like a control freak. (I may reconsider this tho...)

Anyway - as Mr. Allgood likes to do - when I come home from work yesterday -there it is - his list of things he likes about me! I was pleasantly surprised. (Now, the poor dear didn't realize of course that this was just the 1st step in a mult-step exercise, , but I think I will keep that to myself for alittle while.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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