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User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, May 9th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - I laughed at the burping and farting...darn BOYS!!! I have a 25 yr old son that could have been "Manchild". He was tough and I mean tough..He is still my "wildman"...that is what I called him and still do. It gets better, I promise. It took 25 years for him to finally realize his mother is not a dumb shit! "Wildman" has a wonderful sense of humor, he's caring and loves helping others. Manchild will grow up to be a fine decent young man!!! (The burping and farting doesn't stop though)

I am feeling a little better...still sad (not sure that will ever go away) but I am trying to take some of tryn's advice. I'm trying to look forward and trying to not go backward (although it's hard, I keep obsessing about the Vegas thing). And everytime I hear that commercial "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" I want to cry. I loved Vegas and now I feel like I could never ever go there again. It would be too painful. And yesterday FWH asks if I want to go to the National Convention in San Diego. Is he kidding me? I always went with him and last convention he took OW...there are no words to discribe my feelings about this. I told him he or I would never go to antoher one again. He just stopped talking about it and walked away. FWH has been trying though...I have to keep remembering that and the good things he's doing going forward. He wrote in a card this morning that he is so sorry he caused me so much pain and he will always be there for me, to love me, support me and stand beside me for the rest of his life. This coming from someone that doesn't speak about feelings and has no emotions.

allgood - at least you got breakfast in bed!!!! Wow!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
how can I go on
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Member # 27432
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, May 9th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone
That is what I like about SI I now realise that I am completely normal with the feelings I have and the way I respond to things does not mean I am mentally ill. I am completely normal in my reactions to the terrible emotional trauma I have suffered at the hands of my husband.

Yes looking at the big picture swearing and throwing OW stuff out of a house I did not even know I had for 4 years, the house that had been bought by money that I had worked for while year after year had been enjoyed by OW, OC and WH.

I heard through friends that OW says that the house was bought for OC.

OW and OC seem to think that the house is rightfully theirs. To my mind this house was bought by money stolen from me. OW does not know the house has been sold yet.

You are right why should WH go to comfort her she made a choice all those years ago to actively try and steal my husband and leave me with 2 small children.

Since 2009 we mostly live in Turkey WH and I although we come back and forth to the UK regularly.

WH is funding OC through law school. WH also gives OC £200 or so every time he sees him.

Since August 2009 OW and OC have bought 2 brand new cars travelled overland to Turkey and back with one of the cars. I wonder who paid for the petrol?

WH gave the OC £200 and the following day OC phones and says that he took his mum to the Ritz Hotel in London for dinner and birthday cake as it was her birthday. This is a very expensive hotel. So effectively WH and I gave OW a birthday present. Talk about rubbing my face in it.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: London and Bodrum,Turkey
how can I go on
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Member # 27432
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, May 9th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwantamiracle
Our son is a good man and my hero and you are right I should not lean on him too much as it is a heavy burden for him.
As for IC we only stay two or so weeks when we come to the UK and my Turkish is not good enough yet for IC in Turkey.
However I now have SI where I can go pour my soul out. I feel very hopeful now that I can survive this. I feel quite optimistic about the future. You are right SI is cathartic healing I am in safe hands.

WH knows about SI he thinks I only read the forums. Yes I remember that movie, your analogy of the person who looks the same but is really an alien, is spot on.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: London and Bodrum,Turkey
how can I go on
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Member # 27432
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, May 9th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Njgal480
I do feel guilty about my children because I should have left WH in 1987 and focused on our children they missed out on a lot. One of my mind movies is of me slitting their throats when I found them in 1987 I am smiling now I think it is just a side effect of watching too many American movies. I especially liked that movie ‘Unfaithful’ where Richard Geer bashes the head in of his wife’s lover. Wonderful wow perhaps I am mad after all!

Yes I live with my WH in Turkey with brief occasional visits to the UK we still have a home and businesses in the UK.
WH does not spend anytime with OW he just sees the OC he does go to OW home to help OC with his law studies as WH is a practicing English Solicitor (Attorney)
I will see what happens this August and decide if I should divorce.
Financially I don’t care for myself but I will make sure legally that our children get what is rightfully theirs because I am afraid that WH might leave everything to OC as OC is the only person that is nice to him now.
WH family are disgusted with WH they say that they kept telling WH to own up but they love the OC who was left every year for 1 month holiday with them.
My daughter is devastated and would be happy if we divorce.
My son argues all the time with his dad since Dday where as before he believed that his dad was a fine upstanding great guy.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: London and Bodrum,Turkey
how can I go on
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Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, May 9th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honesttoafault
There are restrictions on foreigners owning property by the sea in in Turkey. Some outdated law about signalling ships to invade. I am a resident at the moment after 1 year I apply for Turkish nationality.

Love and hugs to you


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: London and Bodrum,Turkey
how can I go on
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Member # 27432
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, May 9th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trynhard

I am amazed at how many people have shown concern for my situation today I already feel stronger with everybody’s support and I am excited about my future now with the help of the people on SI.

I must stop feeling sorry for myself and enjoy my life now. That is what my WH says too. You see it was my WH who had all these dreams of materialistic things. I would have been quite happy with an ordinary life because I love him.

But what the heck we have money now so I should enjoy it although saying that I am aware through SI that WH could suddenly change because when you think of it he has had years to prepare for when everything came out. All the real estate property is in his name I asked now for my name to be included with his and he agreed but it has not happened yet. All the big money was in his own bank account but he has now moved it to our joint account. But I know that is no safe guard.

As you say we cannot change the past so why dwell on things that can’t be changed. I think I failed my children because I did not have much time for them. I worked every single day from October 1986 to February 1992. Life got a bit better and work hours shorter after that but still every single day including weekends and holidays. However my children were always with me when they were not in school. They both turned out good people and both graduated from University. So by your standards I did not neglect my children.

You see after dday we found out that OC had gone to private school, he has won lots of swimming medals, he has won medals for snow boarding and skiing (OW is Swedish) OC had toys that my son always wanted and has been on many holidays including Disneyland in America and Paris, Universal Studios OC, OW and WH went together.

However they can take their own children there one day hopefully when they have them.

Thank you again for your encouragement to pick myself up and get on with my life. I can choose to be happy or wallow in misery. I am in a better position than most as you say.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: London and Bodrum,Turkey
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, May 9th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how can i go on: you sound better already, to be able to respond to each of us is amazing...be proud and if your hand can reach around pat yourself on the back...

i am glad that being here is helping...


fun: i am glad to have made you laugh with my manchild...he makes me laugh too.....


today was such a mix for me, i went back and forth all day long from happy to fustration...arrrgggghhhh...

ok. i will start with the happy...for most of the day i had a playdate with my kids, we played lots of board games, which is one of my favorite activities.....all of the downtime from games was a mix, and most of it was fustration...

first...the boys started today fighting...get that one resolve

second...pfm comes home and that is always automatic tension, and he was especially annoying today, i was wearing a new dress, my dd17 and i got new dresses, same dress diff color...anyways she asked me last nite to wear our new dresses so we could wear them together...this was an ahhh moment...well this dress, casual but it shows whatever small cleavage i have and all he did was ogle me, in between he was just a sorry sack of a mess...feeling sorry for himself and his loss....so that was pretty much the entire time til now....he brought my mom back here to our house and there was fustration number 3...

long story short, once again she is not happy with whatever is done..she is a good woman, but she never seems to be happy or satisfied and i cooked for her today, i went out of my way, just to hear her do that martyr thing she does so well...now since i don't do guilt all this does is make me mad, but i keep it in check because she really is an amazing mom...she just sometimes drives me insane...

next comes the fact that i cooked dinner, for my mom, but i expected my kids to help and pitch in so at the dinner table or i should say getting ready for the dinner table the only concerns they had were themselves...another annoyance...then we eat and through dinner a few odds and ends of annoyances that before we are totally done my dd17 gets in on the act....and she claims that i am in a bad mood...well i excused myself from the table and come here, i just read don't have it in me to post and then i just played some computer games to decompress...i decompress, i go back to the rest of the house, my kids are all scattered, pfm is cleaning the kitchen form dinner...i take out tgif's mixers and mix up some mudslides...i love mudslides...so i drink a little, to decompress a bit more...my kids come back and then i give my mom her mothers day gift..needless to say she is not happy, she is almost always unhappy with whatever gifts she gets...so this adds a bit more fustration...my boys give me homecade cards which are i have to say out there and somewhat hilarious...and that was it...pfm left me a card in the am with scratch off, bought a bouquet of roses which he set up himself the other day and that was all there was...fustration added again...he fucked up here....there should have been a gift from my kids that he either bought from them or with them for me....i don't get why he can't get this simple shit right...so when he reads this tonite or tomorrow this will i am sure the first he will be hearing of it, right now i do not intend to say anything and hopefully i will keep my mouth shut, because i don't think what would come out of my mouth would be pretty...

i just don't get how this man who tries so hard misses the stuff idiots can get...i am the mother of his kids, it is his resposiblity to make sure an appropriate gift is bought for me...this is not rocket science...and all he does is go on and on and on how he would do anything for me, how he want an "us" and so forth and so forth....and he makes me feel very uncomfortable with his ogling and then his crying because he can't have it or me anymore...it just all makes me very fustrated...

i know i am ramblin, i just need to get it out...i am sorry if anyone is actually reading through this...and i don't think i am done ramblin so move on from this, this is turning into a minor vent...

between my kids, pfm and my mother this has been a totally fustrating day...although it beats last mothers day because that was just after dd17 found out about her dads activities....that moms day was so not pretty...so i guess i should be thankful for that, but i am still fustrated...this would be so much easier for me if he just were not here...i am so starting to resent him being here....and that is not good because the reason he is here is my kids...and i need my kids to have as much of their life intact...damn i still wish he died instead...i keep waiting for when i don't wish that anymore, then i at least know i am moving away from this fustration and towards a more healing place....it would just be so much easier if he weren't here..or if got this other shit right...i know i should expect anything...i am just still so mad at him for everything, mad and hurt....when does it ever get to be about me and what i want...now i sound like a petulant brat...i think i need to go to sleep..too many mudslides for me....

i dont' even know if i am making sense, i do know that getting out is helping...but i think i need to go to sleep soon...maybe i will make myself a cup of tea and do just that...

i am sorry for all this ramblin....i hope noone read all this drivel....but i do feel better letting it out...

ahh...the end is here, at least the end of this day and/or nite...how terrible is that....wanting it to end...the part with pfm included, not with my kids though...even though they were a bit self centered, i still enjoyed playing with them when there were just being in the moment...we had so much fun and that is what today was supposed to be about, so maybe it was successful day with just a few snags....

ok i will shut up now for real..

()((((tribe)))))

this place truly is a refuge...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
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Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, May 10th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{Miracle}}}

I hate it when they screw up Mother's Day (and birthdays, etc.)

One year the only present I got was a magnet the restaurant was giving out on Mother's Day!

PFM should be setting a good example to the kids about what to do, or at least be reminding them about getting you a present. I understand your frustration.

Next time you make mudslides, invite me over, I love them too!!!

I am truly glad you vented today. You've been holding it in too long.

Happy Mother's Day "mother hen Miracle" We all love you!!


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
UKgirl
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Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, May 10th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi to how can I go on (HCIGO?). I would like to ask if your husband is Turkish. And if you Turkish or have other connections to Turkey other than through your husband and the home you now have there? In other words, what are your ethnic roots? I read that OW is Swedish. I have some thoughts going through my mind (a bit scrambled after my weekend away) and just want to get this bit straight first. Welcome to our corner of SI. I am one of the more established folk and often wonder what my gripe is when I read some of the case histories here!!

A good Monday morning everyone. Hope everyone over the pond had a lovely Mother’s Day – although I see miracle’s wasn’t too brilliant. Cooking the dinner for your mom was your appreciation of your mother and it would have been so much better if pfm and the kids could have taken 90% of that load for you. Hope pfm and offspring can make you feel a little better today. I am lucky with my boys on Mother’s Day, I know I can rely on DS2 to remind everyone and he always makes me feel special on that day. H has generally remembered and made sure the boys made a fuss of me right from when they were little. We usually eat out on that day and since d-day H has remembered to book the table. One difference to that day now though – Mr UKg has to made sure he buys, writes and sends the card for his mother and gives her a call instead of me doing both mothers. We don’t do presents as I’ve always said doing something for me meant so much more. I used to say I got one day off a year and Mothering Sunday was it!!

Hi HB – you little lurker!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, May 10th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((miracle))) - I read your post all the way through and I can relate.

My H never ever got me a gift that he had to put thought into....he would send the kids out to get me something. And when they were small, he would ask a friend to help. All my M life it frustrated me and I never said anything. That was a mistake. After dday, I told him I would not accept any gift from him that he did not pick out himself. I told him I expected him to put some thought into it and I would accept no less.

My kids are older than yours but after dday I talked to each one of them and told them that they were not to buy, suggest, or help him with gifts anymore. And I will not accept a gift card. Now when he buys me something, I know he put some thought into it. It may not be exactly what I like or want but it's a start.

My suggestion to you is to actually tell him. They are so brain dead that they need to be TOLD what would make you happy.

I think you may have been frustrated but this year Mom's Day was better than last year so that's a positive thing.

I hope you feel better today...oh and those mudslides are delicious.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, May 10th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun.. I’m glad you are taking my advice. You are going to start feeling some happiness soon… I’m not going to gloss this over. Once I started to practice what I say… it takes a while to start feeling better. It took me at least 3-4 months. And I failed a few times. Come here to vent it… And I say think about going to San Diego! Have you heard about some BS “getting back” or going back to the “scene” to take control… maybe this is one of those times… maybe even a trip to Vegas to confront.. But be careful with that… Yesterday, I just finished the kitchen remodel… knobs on all the drawers and cabinets… One of the drawers is loaded with cards and pictures. I came across W's 40th birthday card from OM and all her friends from her old office … It stung as I read his note to her... I’m sure my W didn’t know it was in the drawer… I read his note… I tore it up.. went on an 8 mile run.. Felt pretty good after exhausting or channeling all that energy in a foot race with myself.. lol…(allgood.. half Marathon in 2 weeks.. you can do it!!!) needless to say.. we finished the evening with a wonderful cookout with the kids… A good day despite some hurt. It is part of my life now... I prayed I could just get through one day without thinking about all this...

how can I go on… “I am in a better position than most as you say.”… I thought you might be..I can already tell you are one hell of a woman… I think you need to somehow get it OUT of your head you neglected your children. You likely worked for your kids. You did this because for the most part to set your kids up so they can have the best possible life. They have seen and done things most people can only dream about. You did not neglect you children. In fact, it was your obligation to do what you did… See, I think by your limited post, you are kinda like me… you have a personality of thinking about others before yourself. Most good people, kind people, unselfish people, think.. “what could I do better” This can lead to us saying things like… “I feel I neglected our 2 children always being at work..” You must feel uncertain, skeptical, questioning that you did the right thing in life working so much? But the look at the end results! True, you could have been a homemaker. And been around your kids more and that would have been OK too. But nothing wrong with showing your kids what a strong working woman can do… I say you remove that part from you profile today.. You need to face the truth. The truth is you have not neglected your children.

Sounds like you H made his choice! YOU. He made one heck of a mistake in life. At least he has taken responsibility of his child. Well, I’m glad you are posting here…

Iwant… Boys will be boys.. your post sounds like my brother and I while growing up... lol.. “i love mudslides”.. oh yeh.. “scratch off’.. lol.. W got one too.. but I got W only 1 rose… that was it.. I cooked and cleaned up though… did I forget a gift?

I guess Dip got him some legs...

Oh well …. Off to enjoy life today…

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:25 AM, May 10th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
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Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, May 10th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: I pitched a hissy fit on Saturday evening over nothing, in hindsight I know it's because of Mother's Day.

I do not think men "get it" (sorry Dip & Tryn for generalizing...).
I think we think of Mother's Day as the 1 day we might actually get the appreciation for what we do. I think this is something unique to mothers tho. I don't think anyone else sees it as such a pivotal day.

I was annoyed Saturday because my husband did not take the day off, which meant I was getting up at 6am with the kids, like always, cleaning the house for company, preparing the meal, getting the gifts that I didn't get because I've become a complete disorganized slacker since the A, etc. without any help. And, all of this happening while carrying a perpetually discontent 1 year old around. (Last year I did say something to him about not taking the day off on Mother's Day - so as far as I'm concerned he was on notice - tho again in hindsight - as that was during the A I'm sure he wasn't listening to me at the time.) But - when I "discussed" it with him I can see he totally doesn't "get it" even tho - like you say Miracle - that shouldn't they be trying to appreciate us a little more?

Anyway - I agree - a little disappointing - and God Forbid -the kids act human for even one day (I have 3 boys here myself - and like Tryn said, which echoed my husband, this is the way brothers behave).

But - I tried to see what he did do - there was some effort there. I can only speak for myself - but maybe you can see some truth in it - for people who expect a lot from themselves, we expect the same from others or we take offense to it - but, in reality - everyone is different & maybe it's unfair to hold them to such a high standard. (Would be nice tho wouldn't it?)


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, May 10th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey crew...

i think its unanimous so far...we all love mudslides....so i think we should have a mudslide party...

i feel much better this am...not even hungover which is wonderful...my body was a bit stiff, and i couldn't imagine why, and then iremembered i sat in a kitchen chair for a really good part of the day playing games with my kids which i have to say was totally awesome...

my mother actually thanked me this am for the eggplant that i made for her, even if it was a bit greasy. ...i never could win with this woman on this kind of shit, i have learned to and move on...

pfm fucked up though, and there really is no reason for that one...as hard as he is trying and he really is trying he just falls short....and as far as doing the right thing for me on any holiday or birthday...he has pretty much fucked most of them up, i would say at least 95% of them....

and ukgirl, since just before d-day i resigned as the dutiful dil...my mil is not a nice woman, somewhat evil actually, so i resigned that post...and since d-day i no longer feel compelled to do the right thing for those people anymore regarding my children too...my kids are way old enough to know what kind of people they are...and i still didn't stand in the way of them having a relationship but i no longer shielded them from who they were..

all in all though i have gone through so much, yesterday was a piece of cake...and i am smart enough to vent it out or ramble it out....its that dipstickitis that acts up now and then..

gotta go, my little charge is here

later


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
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Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, May 10th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jeesh! Once again I need crib notes to respond to all of this.

How can I go on: hug! You've gotten good advice here. Look, you're supposed to be able to trust your husband, so stop beating yourself up and thinking you're stupid. Please. Think about doing the 180.

Dip --

My BPD MIL is crazy jealous of FIL too.
I don't know much about the A either, but who cares? To me it's so binary -- he cheated. I don't really care if they were having foursomes with a midget and a donkey, whatever. The flip side is, yes, it does get to remain private and its hard to think about your spouse having a private sex life but I weighed it out and this way is fine for me.

Asenotie:

You can't change the past. You just can't. Funny about the pot though: I just had a dream last night about buying some pot. It was about that and a man I've always been very attracted to.
I also know what you're saying about is it true R or is she just marking time -- only time will tell. I feel that way too, and what I do about it is I'm working to put the rest of my life in a place where if it turns out not to be true R I'll be in a good position.

honest --
Don't engage in that negative talk. The first part is to stop saying it and to challenge what is said. You'll still think it for a while -- but you've been emotionally abused and it takes time to rip away from it and remember who you *really* are.
I've moved away from that but I do continually remind myself I'm not really that important; but in more of a humility sense than a humiliation sense.

Tryn --
The traumaphobias -- I think purging this is probaby the key to recover. Not easy at all. I remember the morning after 9/11 I got up and decided to never be scared of what *could* happed with all that crap; the whole point of terrorism is to scare people. The heck with that. If I'm scared then they win. Similarly, with the A, you can't let it take over your life forever. I know that at least at the end WH's OP was trying to "win" him. If I am still thinking about her years from now or letting the A poison my marriage then she won on one level anyway (I know -- I think continually what on earth did I really win anyway; I hope it doesn't turn out to be the booby prize...)
But that takes me to the comment about good people falling prey to evil. At first I thought that about both of them (WH and OP) but then I started interviewing others who know OP in different capacities about her and now I know she's evil, though I still believe my WH is a good person who screwed up (or should I say her, LOL?)
As for supportive couples, WH and I have been surrounding ourselves with couples wil good marriages who are supportive; and the right people don't even have to know about the A to be supportive.

Hi HB!

First communion for DS1 this weekend. But no communion for WH or I. He was surprised I didn't go. Asked if it was because of needing to go to confession or holding the baby and I told him it was the first. He didn't like that. He's a dolt. I'm too full of anger and hate still to be able to take communion and now I'm going on birth control in a few days so that will be no communion for me for years, sigh. Still, I basically have the choice between that and a host of other serious sins, so I'll go with that one since it harms the least number of people.

Miracle --
In my comedy routine I'm going to refer to her as "Twatzilla" borrowing the name from another SI poster. Then I'm going to say: "no, that's not her real name. Her real name is X and she works at Y, say hi from me if you see her..."
It's not slander if its true, espeically if you have a written admission from the person, good to be a lawyer and know the rules sometimes,ha ha!
OK -- I'm not a better person than you. If PFM was doing the right things like my WH is then you'd probably be like me. You obviously care SO much about everyone around you -- you even still hope pfm will get it together.
Yep the yacht is heated. Wonder what WH would say when you all showed up. Probably wouldn't like it. Y'all have to admit, it's a little weird.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
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Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, May 10th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW returned from visiting her parents and sister yesterday afternoon. FWW takes Xanax when she flies, so she was a little sedate when she got home and took a nap before we all had a late Mother's Day supper.

I used to enjoy having her come back after travel, but yesterday I thought of all the times she and OM said their goodbyes in the airport and then she walked out to me. No wonder she never much enjoyed the welcome home kiss I would try to give her.

She was impressed with the job DSs and I had done shampooing all of the carpets while she was gone. This is something she had wanted done. We bought a machine and over the weekend moved all of the furniture, cleaned, and then put things back. It was fun to be working with the boys on a project together, and they really seemed to be into helping out. As a reward, when the work was done we went to see Iron Man 2. It rocks!

I helped DS2 order FWW some plants she had been looking for as a Mother’s Day gift, and I bought her an Omega necklace she had liked.

Before bed, we had a couple of drinks and talked. She is now reading Not Just Friends, and took it on the trip with her. She kept referring to it as “my book”, as in “I read in your book”, “your book says”. This really started to annoy me and I finally said it is not my book, don’t read it if you don’t like it. She said she was getting a lot out of reading, but that it was not fun to read. We talked at length about problems her parents are having, and her sister. She really hates visiting her parents, but feels an obligation to do so.

This morning we went for breakfast before work, something we have been doing to ease the transition from weekend to work week. FWW talked about her trip, her parents, and her sister. She said something about getting a third car again. We do not have the money for the extra insurance; one of our teenage boys would be the principle driver of a third car. We are barely covering bills as it is, and with a child headed to college there just is no money. I have always let myself be stuck in the position of budget keeper and really hated all the questions about; do we have money for this or that? If I say no I am not being fair, if I say yes then we eventually run out of money. So I got mad at the question about the car. I got up from sitting next to her in the booth and sat on the other side. I explained why we do not need nor have the resources for another car. Yes, I should have handled this better and not gotten up and moved. Now we are not talking again. Sigh…

We really seem to be drifting. It is grant season and she is very busy with work. Her Mother is dying of CHD, and I understand that is distracting. Money is tight and her job may disappear this summer. Family are all coming into town in a month for DS1’s HS graduation. I worried last fall that there was going to be a lot on our plates that would interfere with R efforts, and there is.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:37 AM, May 10th (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, May 10th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood.. half Marathon in 2 weeks.. you can do it!!!)

Tryn: are you running the 1/2? If so - good for you! Personally - 3.1 miles is more than enough - maybe I'd get crazy one day and run 4-5 miles, but that's it. (My friend just ran the 1/2 here in NY last weekend & asked me to join him - but, if nothing else - I know my limits.) Lol. Good for you tho.
And -

you have a personality of thinking about others before yourself. Most good people, kind people, unselfish people, think.. “what could I do better” This can lead to us saying things like… “I feel I neglected our 2 children always being at work..”

Damn this is me. I was just saying this to my husband yesterday. That in my recent search for happiness I 've discovered that a lot of my pessimism and unhappiness comes from a constant state of feeling like a failure to my children. And I feel sad & frustrated with my family life - for them more than me. But, I've determined that children really need very little. Just love and attention. And I'm going to make a concerted effort to make sure they feel that way every day, even if I can't manage to create all the family moments I think they should have.

NO FUN: so..... did your H come through on MOther's Day with a gift or what? You left us a cliff hanger! Lol.

M3:

I don't really care if they were having foursomes with a midget and a donkey, whatever

Hmmm.... I might be concerned if he were having sex with a donkey, but that's just me.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, May 10th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood:

And I feel sad & frustrated with my family life - for them more than me. But, I've determined that children really need very little. Just love and attention. And I'm going to make a concerted effort to make sure they feel that way every day, even if I can't manage to create all the family moments I think they should have.

i am a sahm, and i can't be everything to everybody....yes children need very little when it comes to things, but when it comes to love, they need it all........but they also need to see a mom who takes time for herself, a mom who is self assured, a mom who is capable, a mom who knows what to do and how to do it and if that means mommy has to work then so be it....as long as the time you spend with them is as quality as you can muster, as long as they feel the love, as long as they see a mom who loves them they will be fine in that dept....

i have babysat for alot of kids, alot of diff types of moms too...and i have seen it over and over...mom is still the hero, mom is loved beyond all reason...no matter how mom may or may not be connected..face it not all of us can plug in all the time, life gets in the way, whether its work, dinner, the phone, the dog, a friend, or another child...we cannot plug in all the time...the children though still know, that innate knowing within that they are loved, completely and wholly....

and of course they still have their moments kind of like my manchild, right now he thinks i play favorites, but he knows and believes he is completely loved....

always tell your children you love them, even when they do bad, you let them know that you still love them, you may not like them or what they have done but you still love them....

i pray everyday that this foundation will guide my kids....i pray everyday to the angels to keep my kids safe...i pray everyday that my kids make smart choices or at the very least their stupid choices are not life altering....and again i pray that i laid a decent foundation....

ok end of ramble....on this subject anyways because i am not even sure why i felt the need to say all that....

ats: you sound like a very good man, and extremely thoughtful...do and did you always put her needs above your own...i get the impression that she takes you for granted in a big way....

m3:

Yep the yacht is heated. Wonder what WH would say when you all showed up. Probably wouldn't like it. Y'all have to admit, it's a little weird.

i don't know what could be weird about a bunch of strangers who know so much about you coming to your yacht for a party, we will bring mudslides....it can't be anymore weird then finding out your husband is banging a midget and a donkey...

and allgood i am with you, i would think that this would be pertinent info that i would need....


m3: communion: are you really that strict with recieving that you cannot be doing anything the church doesn't approve of...maybe you could talk to the priest friend of yours again...i don't think it would be an issue for you to be on birth control, and far as confession is concerned, we are given absolution a couple of times during the mass, and if you have not committed any major sins i can't see how this is a problem....i was brought up to believe that it was a sin too, but have since spoken to some priest and nuns when i taught the catchism and have since realized the church has eased up on so much....the rigidity is not what it was...

and i believe since religion is so important for you this might help you feel more connected which i think would do you good....and congrats on the first communion son...how did he do?..and did he look handsome in his blue or white suit?

((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, May 10th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A thought about mothers day. I think we all take things for granted. Yes even our mothers. I am surprised at the number of people who do not even take the time to buy her a card, or give her a call. The last time I saw my mother was on mothers day, 36 years ago. She died suddenly a month later. I am so glad that I got to see her that day. I was living several states away, and almost did not get to make the trip. If these people that do notpay attention to their mothers, knew what I know, maybe you mothers would get better treatment.

Mudslides? I guess I need to get out more often. I have never had one. I have had a scary slide in the mud. I was being chased by a big mother pig and was sliping and sliding in the mud and pig shit. She was pissed because we were casterating her little boys. She broke down a fence and was determined to hurt someone. I take it, the mudslides you all speak about are a more pleasant experience.

This mothers day talk has me wondering. Do you make sure that his day is special? I know all dads & H are different. Do the moms that did not feel like they were appreciated seek revenge and turn the tables on their H? That must be tempting! Do the dads think that they should be king for a day, even if mom did not get to be queen?

m3. Miget and donkey sex? That is a question I forgot to ask! I will ask that first thing this evening. Thanks for the suggestion. Being jealous seems to be a common trait among BPD people.

miracle. Sorry your day was not pleasant. That sucks. Boys will be boys, but if I would have behaved like that towards my mother, my ass would have been in deep trouble. At best I would have lost all privileges and no telling what else would have happened. No beatings or anything like that. Just a extended stay in the doghouse.

Allgood. Thank you for excluding me from your "men don't get it" generalizing. You were excluding me weren't you?

nofun. I agree with allgood. You left us hanging. Did he get you a gift? It is just hard for me to understand what is so hard about picking out a gift without any help. I have always been able to do that. I stay away from clothes and jewlery. All I have to do is go to one of her fav gift type stores, look around and buy something that smells good, like a candle or two. If that is not proper then some fancy bath/body lotion type products. I like to get a combiniation of all above. Most of these places will gift wrap for free. All this is just not that hard to do. Sometimes I feel like I have not really done enough, but then I hear about people who do nothing, so I feel a little better.

tryn. Yes I got the legs. Today is meatloaf Monday. If it is not raining I will cook it on the grill.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
how can I go on
♀ New Member
Member # 27432
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, May 10th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl
Hello thank you for your welcome to SI, yes my husband is of Turkish ethnicity, I am Scottish and OW is Swedish but lives in London. We have properties and business connections in Turkey as well as the UK. Why do you ask, what are the thoughts going through your mind? I am intrigued.
Yes some of the case histories on SI are very heart-rending.

trynhard
Thank you again you certainly know the right things to say to make a person feel better about themselves. You are right, again because H did take responsibly for his OC instead of not caring for him.

m334455
Yes very good advice and I am fully armed now and optimistic about the future. I am waiting till August to see what happens then I will decide D or R.
Your line about foursomes with a midget and a donkey made me laugh a lot.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: London and Bodrum,Turkey
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 10th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I’m just wondering about the business of polygamy. I know it was outlawed yonks ago, but wonder if some of the old traditional beliefs are still held or practiced, even though wife #2 would not be recognised in law. That somehow skewed thinking got in the way and your H justified it to himself by saying that two or three generations ago, it would have been the norm and perhaps expected, esp if he was fairly wealthy. It’s just a thought. He seems (from what you say) to be treating this woman as his second wife and yet if he does feel some vague link to his ethnic ancestry, even though today’s moral standards make it unacceptable, OW having a child by him would mean he was morally responsible to look after her and the child – even if it was at the expense of his “in the eyes of the law” wife; ie you. If he does allude to this idea (even if he doesn’t admit it) then he will be giving equal proportion to both wives and children when it comes to money. The fact you have helped earn his status is irrelevant as he is the man and therefore you are less than him. Yikes! What am I saying??? I hope you don’t find this insulting HCIGO, but I’m just feeding my thoughts out.

(At least I managed a post without the usual swearing ) BBL, gotta run for a bit.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

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