Tryn: I thought we had a good marriage for a long time. Even WH always said we did. We got along fine, respected each other, etc etc.
Like Dip, I think I only got about half of chapter one. I don't want to know all the details, but there are some that I would like to know. Actually, it's not even DETAILS per se, but some general stuff that is important, like when did the A begin before WH "married" OW.
But I believe we both agree, there comes a point that too much detail is not needed.
I do also believe that WH "faked" a lot with his reactions and emotions.
One of the things that bothers me the most, is that I accepted WH for the way he was. I knew his faults, and accepted them as part of him. Actually, over the years, I put up with more and more unacceptable behaviors and after all that, HE did what he did and then BLAMED ME.
Anyway, my story is different. I'm dealing with an unremorseful, blameshifting, gaslighting WH.
But, thank you for saying I'm going in the right direction...happiness.
Atsen: I'm glad that you had a good session with your IC. It's smart to go in to the IC with a list of things to discuss instead of "winging" it. It is more productive.
It's also good that you have come to a point that you realize that you love your WW, and not need her.
I pray that your WW realizes how lucky she is to have a husband like you.
Dip: You must invite us to the BBQ!!! As everyone says, butts and breasts and legs, oh my!!
<sigh> I realize that the past 2 months I was doing a true 180 in the sense that I was focusing on me and the kids and not worrying or thinking about WH. I was starting to heal a bit, and feeling free. I was starting to feel that maybe, yes, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Today, WH's cousin comes over. He came to help us with advice about fixing some things in the house.
After he left, WH tells me I was looking too much at him and he was jealous. Yes, I was looking at his cousin because he was the one who was talking!!!
I was so tempted to say to him, you are willing to give me up, so what's your problem?
As my xWH says, "It's not worth analyzing stupidity."
I don't know that I felt this way, but from reading on SI I think BSs kind of view a WS that is reluctant to disclose information as a WS that is saying fuck you, this is private and is none of your business.
I totally agree. I have a whole chapter missing and it all relates to being curious. I think I'm better off not knowing all the details as tryn said. I did get the when, where, how long, in bits and pieces. It took almost one year to pry it out. I will never have the whole story. I just don't want anymore TT. It's a killer.
allgood - I was hung over Wednesday night. I scare myself sometimes. I've never been a drinker but since dday I drink off and on, smoke a little weed, pop a zanax here and there. I just feel so panic stricken at times.
Happy Mother's Day to everyone!
Picked DS up from a school trip at 0330 this morning, why again was it that trip sound like a good idea?
Dogs were up at 0730 and ready to go out. Apparently I am hard of hearing in all ranges except the WOOF range. Kids OTOH can sleep right through it.
I've never been a drinker but since dday I drink off and on, smoke a little weed, pop a zanax here and there. I just feel so panic stricken at times.
I don't neeed to journal, just look at the receipts from Total Wine to know haw we are doing. We killed a 1.74 L bottle of rum in the last 2 weeks, so they must not have been good. I wish I could find some pot, the calories from the alchol are trying to put back some of the 60#'s I lost since DDay.
Dip, how did the grilling turn out? I prefer thighs myself, everyone in my family is "white meat only".
I have been doing work around the house this weekend while FWW is out of town so it was delivered pizza for me last night. I remember delivered pizza tasting better in college, maybe it was the couple of pitchers we would have with it.
Well, have a good weekend.
You are right about tryn being a lucky man. He made a lot of his luck. Hard work pays off.
honest. Now that mom hen has made fun of my menu, I guess I will have to change my cooking habits. Cow brains or pig brains. Do you still want to come to the BBQ now? I promise to use only the male brains. They should be more tender since they probably have not been used as much as their female counterparts.
My W has always been jealous. Not as much since D-day, but it is still there. It can be so stupid. She once accused me of flirting with a woman at a party. I was talking to her boyfriend. I knew him and had just met her. He turned his back to talk to another man, leaving me and her to continue the conversation. My W entered the room and saw me talking to this woman. Of course her man was only one foot away, but all she could see was me flirting with my new friend. Of course the drive home was interesting with much disagreement and stupid accusations. I guess I should mention that the other man was a ex college football lineman. 6 ft 8 inches, 270 lbs. Almost 1 ft taller and 100 lbs bigger than I was! Damn! Trying to steal his woman would have been totally crazy. I think this was during the time of her LTA. Your exH is correct about trying to analyze stupidity.
ats. The legs and breasts were great. I have left overs for today or tomorrow. I guess I need to get a good recipe for BBQ brains now! I don't know if replacing alcohol calories by smoking pot is a good way to lose weight. You want to eat so much extra, I think it might equal out the calories of the alcohol. That is what I have been told anyway.
nofun. I hope your panic attacks get better. The zanax should help with that.
Hugs to the tribe.
I have hovered on SI a lot since January 2010 and have even posted a little but I just need some insight and help. I am sorry I have just spewed everything out and it feels good to get my story out even if nobody reads it, I already feel a little better.
I am a pathetic excuse for a human being, I do not know which way to go I just want to curl up in a ball and die. I devoted my life to a man that was not real. The man I married would not have done this to me I want him back but he never existed. If only I knew of SI website in July 2008 D Day things would have been different. I have done everything the wrong way. He looks like my husband and I feel safe when I am with him but as soon as he goes away my mind goes haywire through all the emotions, described so well in all the posts I have read here in SI.
I thought I was the only person to feel like this the excruciating emotional pain of betrayal by the one person in the world you trusted the most. But the thing is now with hindsight there was so many things I should have picked up on especially when I discovered him with the OW in 1987 I did not see her she hid from me I suppose because I had a big knife in my hand. I kind of blocked everything out in my head as the pain then was so great. I turned and left them there and I drove home so fast I thought of just putting my foot down and smashing into a brick wall then I remembered our 2 children were at home asleep. The rest is just a swirling haze of blood sweat and tears.
But how was I so stupid to believe H when he said the affair was over I believed him I suppose I was too shocked to think he could do that when we were working so hard to keep our heads above water owing thousands of pounds to the bank for our garage business all those years ago.
How could this be I supported him through the years in every business he had I even ran the businesses while he studied law and became a Lawyer. We made lots of money but everything was put into real estate property to make more money but we did without the niceties of a comfortable living while making his empire. I devoted my whole life to what he wanted thinking we were in the struggle of life together weathering the storms together our two children in it with us. But I thought we were a unit we did without and did not squander money.
While his affair with her continued through all these years. They had a planned child together who is now 20 years old. She OW doted on the kid and he had everything he ever wanted. She has a well paid government job. OW was a betrayed Spouse and met my husband and became the OW and never remarried or as far as my H knows never had another relationship after him.
She met my H at a client’s wedding in 1985, my H and myself were there together with our two young children who were 5 and 8 years old at that time. I do not remember OW they apparently danced together and OW gave my H her phone no. So OW knows the pain of betrayal and sought out a married man with young children and hoped that he would leave his family for her and had a child with my H deliberately.
I drag out old calendars and go through the years trying to find out what was going on at that time in our lives, I search the internet for old news, search music of those years just to jog my memory. Dates are big triggers to me and I fall apart and crumple up in tears. Going through dates with H worked out that I was pregnant at the same time as the OW and H and I decided to have an abortion as he needed me to work at the petrol station there was so much cash involved and I was the only one he could trust. How could he let me murder our unborn child without giving me the full facts. And get this the OC’s name in Turkish means Life! What was our child then Death?
Since D day my H has answered everything I have asked him and I have verbally abused him constantly and he was remorseful and at times a gibbering wreck from what I put him through. But I also was and still am on occasions a gibbering wreck myself. But I did not know or ask many things I should have asked until SI. I knew I did not want him to see the OW but he had a child with her who was 18 years old at that point and as he insisted that the affair was over sometime in 1992. He said he loved the OC and I accepted OC after all the kid is innocent and he looked so much like our children. But H still went to see OC sometimes at OW house which is about half an hour away from our house. I did not like it but he talked me into agreeing by saying that what do I take him for would he take her into the bedroom while their son was there? They were finished years ago. He was reassuring and I felt silly so I agreed and one time I even sat in the car outside OW house while he popped in to give a book that the OC had left at our house. I even sent OW an email through the OC just asking OW when the affair ended but she never replied I telephoned OW once drunk after a big row with H but she put the phone down without a word.
But throughout the years he has seen the boy and has been part of his life with holidays and ordinary things that fathers do. The thing is he never had much time for our kids to do fatherly things as we were always working. OC has gone on holiday to Turkey and stayed with my H family since he was 9. He knows the family better than we know them.
H even had keys to OW house in London. I always thought he had too many keys on his key ring.
He still has car insurance with OW and OWC. He bought a house in Turkey I did not know about where they went on holiday year after year since 2004 and the neighbours think that OW is his wife but after Dday when I showed up at the house with H there was scandal because it was thought I was the OW! He says he always slept in the OC bedroom there are two single beds there. I cried so much when I saw that house it was so nice and was fully equip with everything you could possibly want.
He had started the foundations of another holiday home for OC with OW’s money or so he says. I said that the building had to stop and it has.
The thing is I had wanted to live in Turkey for many years and he had started to build a house for us in 2001 which took until 2008 before it was liveable but only because I found out about the affair.
Since Dday he has pulled out all the stops and I now have everything I ever dreamed off and we have retired to our beautiful home in Turkey. Well semi retired for him he still has a law firm in London but he is not there very much. I am as happy as I can be under the circumstances as I should count my blessings and I do have a lot.
The thing is that since last August 2009 he persuaded me that it would be okay for OW and OC to have their annual holiday in the house by the sea. The house that we live in is about half an hour away. My first reaction was swearing and saying that I would beat the shit out of the OW if I saw her but he eventually persuaded me that everything could be civilised and work out. It would be the OW last holiday there as we were going to sell the OC house. I relented as other friends said it was best to show everybody that I was the wife and shame her. I was reluctant but went along with it.
So what happens is we are driving down to the beach in two cars with some of my family members from the UK. My H in one car and I and our son in the other car. My son spots a car that he has seen the OC drive and the OW is sitting in the stationary car in the passenger seat the OC was not there. Our car screeches to a halt and my son swears at the OW tells her she has a cheek to show her face here and calls her whore and other things I see tears in her eyes she says nothing and she hangs her head down and I scream at my son to drive on and he eventually does. At the beach while our son is in the sea the OC appears and is very upset about what happened to his mother and H goes off to apologise to OW who has been taken into a friend’s house for comforting. H did ask if he could go.
He comes back shortly after and we spend the day at the beach with family.
We do not see OC or OW until we are going home and we pass the OC’s car as we pass in opposite directions and the OC gives a harsh long angry hoot on the car horn as we pass. My son swears and immediately turns the car round and chases the OC’s car the OW and 2 other people are in their car. We see them up ahead stopped at security check the OC is throwing his arms around gesturing not to let us in but the guards do not understand and we catch up and the security guards also wave us in to the holiday site.
They race I presume down to the beach but we go straight to the OC house with my key. Inside the house is full of newly bought things clothes, curtains, bedding still in packaging this was not a last visit they were bringing more stuff to the house so my son and I start to through it out of the window into the street. My husband who was driving an old car caught us up and comes into the house and we scream at him all the neighbours are out in the street watching and I shout at the neighbours in Turkish that OW is a whore and the kid is a whore’s son. It was absolutely horrible by H wants to hit our son but our son holds H hands. We scream and say terrible things to my H and he weeps and is defeated. He asks our son to beat him but he does not. It was awful. We go back to our big home half an hour away H packs and leaves the house. He telephones later to say that OW and OC have left the house and gone to look for a hotel.
We are all emotionally drained and the pain I feel is indescribable here I am surrounded by breathtaking beauty mountains, sea, sky wonderful house everything I have worked for all these years and it means absolutely nothing, worthless.
Our daughter phones from England and we tell her what has happened she pleads with us to go to the OC’s house to see if H is there but we are exhausted and do not go. Next day we find out that OC and OW could not find a hotel because it was the height of season and everywhere was full. So they went back to OC house. OC slept downstairs with a hammer protecting his mum.
H’s friend came to our house and told us that H spent the night in a busy all night car park crying he was in an awful state. H’s friend collected H medicine he is diabetic, an other things and a motor bike. I did not want to give the keys but in the end I did.
I send other people to check to see if H is still in the car park and they report back that he has not washed or eaten he cries all the time and is badly bitten by mosquitoes.
4th day OC takes H to Turkish bath but he still will not eat he is diabetic and this is dangerous. Friends come to see me and I also have not eaten and I am crying all the time they say he loves me and I tell them I love him too. If only I had known of 180.
All this time I had family from the UK with us and they had popped into the car park now and then to make sure H was indeed there and he was.
4th day we met some friends at the beach and they said that H was in their home and asked me to come and see him when I got there he was sound asleep and he had lots more white hair.
We talked and we are in R again since August 2009 but the thing is he now has the upper hand and every time I mention the affair he freezes he says we are too old and cannot keep going over the same stuff all the time and now says if I don’t want him I can have everything he will go. He made money before and he can make money again. Funny thing is all 6 of the properties are in his name and the bank accounts with the most money were in his name too. He says that it was not done by bad intentions it was just that he borrowed the money in his name that’s all. He has moved the money to our joint account and has sold the OC house in Turkey and the money is in my account.
I am afraid what will happen this summer because the OC no longer comes to our house in London to see him as he is scared of our son.
If only I had known of SI before. I love H dearly but I am a fool. Since Dday July 2008 he has lots of white hair. He has fallen off his motorbike and broken his arm and leg in 3 places, his diabetes is sky high. OW is 61, very fat and walks with a stick as she has had a hip and knee replacement. Talk about the Karma bus!
I on the other hand have lost tons of weight on the Infidelity diet plan as I heard others describe it on SI. I go to a hairdresser instead of cutting my hair myself but I feel crippled inside.
If anyone has read this far I would appreciate any advice and some encouragement.
I just want you to know that I have read your post and I understand your pain.
My husband was in a LTA for 12 years. It's devastating.
Others wiser than me will be along to help you.
((((how can I go on)))))
Thank you for taking the time to read my story and your comforting words.
My son said nobody would read it as it was too long.
This thread is unsually quiet today. I suspect mothers day has something to do with this. It may take a day or so, but you will get some great advice concerning your situation. This place has several caring and compassionate members. Please do not beat yourself up about all this. Come here, ask as many questions and vent all you want. It helps.
There is a lot in your post, and I will read again to digest, but one thing jumps out at me. You can take care of you, and only your H can take care of him. You can help, and you can be supportive if you want to, but if he wants to hang out in a carpark, that is his call. Unless, he is mentally ill, a threat to himself or others, and needs to be what we in the States call "Baker Acted", put into mental health care against his will.
The not wanting to dicuss and process the A is typical of WSs.
I am a pathetic excuse for a human being
I drag out old calendars and go through the years trying to find out what was going on at that time in our lives, I search the internet for old news, search music of those years just to jog my memory. Dates are big triggers to me and I fall apart and crumple up in tears.
I do this too. Not terribly productive & very painful - yet I agree - I can't stop myself.
Going through dates with H worked out that I was pregnant at the same time as the OW and H and I decided to have an abortion as he needed me to work
I'm speechless. All I can say is I can only imagine how difficult that is to process.
my son swears at the OW tells her she has a cheek to show her face here and calls her whore and other things
Ok - I'm a bit immature & very hostile - but.... GOOD FOR HIM!!!
H goes off to apologise to OW
Oooo.... I don't like that at all. HE shouldn't be comforting her at all. Sometimes our past stupid decisions come back to bite us in the ass & we cry... Does'nt mean someone else's husband has to comfort her...
It was awful
If you havent already - check the other child thread - you will find more help there.
Anyway - you really left out a lot as far as what's happened since August, 2009 (Or maybe I missed something - entirely possible - I have 6 kids here tonight...), but sounds like the financial stuff is encouraging, but not so much in the managing of the A itself. MC sounds like a great idea.
ATS & DIP: I have enjoyed your banter about the butts, breasts, white meat, etc.
O- and btw- my hangover was totally worth it & I just got into an argument with ws over nothing (it was my fault...) and although I did tell him to "F off", I did not mention the A at all! This is progress isn't it?
[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:48 PM, May 8th (Saturday)]
i read your entire story and it breaks my heart for you....i understand your pain, we all do...there are pieces of your story in all our stories...so you are not alone....
your son sounds like a good man and your hero...i am glad for you that you have him....try though not to lean on him to heavily, i am sure he has his own shit with his dad to deal with...and he sounds so worried for you, he sounds as though he wants and needs to be your hero, and as wonderful as this is, he cannot be your main go to person....that is too heavy a burden for him...
for you, you hon need to find yourself a good ic, someone who can be there in all aspects....you have so so much to deal with and finding a way to cope with all there is is just overwhelming at best....
you also have si now, posting here is a really cathartic healing thing for you...there are so many forums too where you will be able to get advice and every forum will be there for you, every step of the way, 24/7......
and you mentioned the 180, right now i understand you feel as though you caught between a rock and hard place, you are worried about this man you thought you knew...but he is a grown man who has to deal with stupid choices...for you to even consider "r" i think you should require several things...the first and foremost one is for him to be in ic, he needs to deal with his very deep issues, and he needs to be able to deal with his own health...this man should not be any more of a burden to you....
if "r"ing is what you want, then i suggest that you take some time and think about what you "need" and "require" from him....
please also remember to breathe, nice slow deep even breaths....eat healthy and get some exercise....the exercise will help with your mind.....even if its just walking...move your body...
you will be safe here....and for now i do not recommend you sharing this site with your "h"....i think this is something you need for you and you alone....
tell your son all about it though, let him see you are in safe hands, he could even monitor it if he is that worried for you, i get the impression that he is kind of steppin to help you and take care of you because he doesn't feel he dad could...i could be wrong and please don't hesitate to tell me so, i promise i could take it...
this advice is well meaning, and that means you take what you will from it or take nothing at all....the choice is always up to you...and i have been wrong before...
and yes i also understand the feeling like the man you married is standing in front of you, he moves the same, he looks the same...but its almost like he's turned into this alien...like that movie where the people were taken over by pods...you know them and you dont know them at all....
we are here for you
this weekend may be a bit quiet in here, general is usually always busy....so hang tight when you post...one of will be along eventually...
in the meantime, tomorrow is mothers day, so enjoy your children, as much as you can muster...find whatever joy you can with them and for them...
(((how can I go on)))
Tomorrow is Mother's Day... enjoy your children... remind yourself of the things that you have to be grateful for....
try to focus on the positive..
sending you some long distance hugs!
You have been through a very traumatic experience with your DS and OC yelling.
I completely understand the feeling of living in a beautiful house that feels empty and meaningless. I also lived overseas and felt like I was a bird in a golden cage.
My WH "married" OW about 9 years ago and has 3 OC's with her. He bought her an apartment and everything a H would buy. He pays for private schools for the OC's, brought them all to OUR house overseas, our beach house too. OW slept in my bed, used all my things, and WH gave their first daughter the name of our baby daughter that died.
I really understand your pain. Listen to Miracle. Find your boundaries and things YOU need for R and lay them on the line. Make sure you get that property in your name. You worked too hard for it all these years.
Post here and vent. There are wonderful people here.
Happy Mother's Day to everyone.
even when they are driving us insane..
It takes great brain strength to go on… We all have this in us… we must do it ourselves… Nobody can do this for us. We must want to be happy… We must act to be a peace… we must not be afraid to go get it… We must take risk and we must change… Yesterday, you may have taken a huge step by making that post, but are you willing to see it through? Are you willing and wanting to make a new life, a happy life moving forward?
I should count my blessings and I do have a lot.
Your H has built a family with you and a confederacy with a second woman. He has deep-rooted himself is this dual life. Those roots are so deep, that tree is solid in that dirt. The concrete is dry and that foundation set forever. Along the ways of life, he controlled you. Yep, you were controlled to do things you didn’t want to do… and now you have some regrets… You know what? Not a damn thing you can do to change the past… If you stay or not, those humans, his off spring, are part of your life now…
So.. what is your plan for future happiness? How are you going to over come things you had not control over? What are you going to do to prevent someone from taking advantage and controlling you?
You are entering into a period you your life that can be most enjoying… make it so…
BTW… Can I ask you what you did to neglect your children? Let me tell you what I think neglecting a child is… It is taking your infant and shaking him to shut him up when he cries. It is taking a cigarette and pressing it in the skin. It is forcing them to beg for money on the street corner so you can buy a pint of liquor. It is allowing them to roam the streets at night. It is blaming the child for not having enough food to eat. It is forcing them to have sex with an adult. It is using harsh physical discipline when they misbehave. It is not stopping your child from doing destructive behaviors… It’s not encouraging and providing education....
Did you really neglect your children?
So to all the moms out there on SI....
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!
We have been blessed.
ps. I don't want any of the wonderful men to be left out...you are just as wonderful.
Thank you all!
you will get through this...we all will, a little worse for wear, some of us a lot worse for wear...but we will get through it, and some of us are doing it together....
we will survive and we will thrive if we choose to do so.....
i know i choose to thrive...do you?...i know you want to, i also know that flip side....but it is a choice...and the fact that you are here seeking help is a great sign to the choice you make...
you can do this....you absolutely can do this...
fun: you sound better...still sad but better...maybe i should say you sound stronger...you too can do this...you already are....
on a lighter note: my ds16, the one i call manchild, finally wished me a happy mothers day, he didn't wish it with a smile, he didn't wish it with a card, he didn't wish it with a cup of tea or breakfast or anything that one would think a mom would wish for...mind you the child has been up for hours...how did he wish me happy mothers day...well he let out a HUGE BURP...and said "happy mothers day, did you like the burp because that was your present and the loud fart i did earlier was an extra"...
...i raised such a caring child ...and now he is upstairs talking to his brother or should i say lecturing his brother on what he feel is his brothers latest offense to him....
if i am back later, it is because i need refuge... ...the joys of mother hood..