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User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3 - I really love humor. If you ever do comic...please let us in on the laughs. I love the fake tatoo that says "slut". I have a wicked sense of humor. It is actually what keeps me going.

Allgood - are you feeling any better?

iwant - i always suspected I was married to a stupid shit! Now I know for sure!

hurtshirley - FWH sits on the toilet seat, doesn't fart and I have never seen him scratching himself. I fear I have a nut case on my hands!!!

honest - there are some traits that your H and mine share...control and manipulation are two that come to mind. They are just too stupid to realize that WE are much smarter than they can ever hope to be.

forgive - I'm so glad I don't have the only supid husband. What are they thinking when these rediculous comments are made?
I get so pissed because does he really think I'm stupid? I am starting to think that I intimidate him. I am starting to realize that if it wasn't for me, he would be NOTHING!! Ohhh, that is harse...but it's how I feel right now. I can't gain my respect back for him. He's a weak excuse of a man! Grrrr...


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ars: i too got a long timeline...i actually got 4 of them, not one of them has it all...and it took forever...i think he gave me the last one about 4 months ago or so...

i have given up that quest, its futile...but then again i also gave up on the marriage being anything but what it is....in name only...

can you accept all you have as it?...can you move forward not knowing all of it?...can you love her for who she is now?


m3: wow, i think this is the longest post you've ever written...i get the sense that you are feeling quite fustrated....

WH buys me a lot of THINGS, and that's how he shows his love, but they're just things, KWIM

this is so sad....because its so true...no matter how they try to make it up by spending all kinds of money, they just can't....the "stuff" is just that...stuff, stuff doesn't matter, it never did, and yes like you it makes life more pleasant but it doesn't matter...

stuff does not comfort
stuff does not warm you
stuff does not hold you
stuff does not love you

and sadly giving stuff is not giving love....

now on the other hand, especially in my sich...

pfm does not comfort me, so i settle for a tummy tuck...i am now comoftable in my own body
pfm does not warm me, so i will need to buy a nice new sweater or cozy blanket
pfm does not hold me, sadly there is nothing i could buy to hold me except a bra..
pfm does not love me, i could buy a new puppy, but then i would have to clean up more shit....

so m3 when are you holding the next g2g in that huge yacht....???that should be big enough to hold us all, is it heated...then it will keep us warm....and at that size i would def think it would give us comfort....no love though...unless it comes with yacht people to love us with "stuff"

oh my i seem to be in one of those moods again...

comedy....thank god we all have maintained our sense of humor....so i agree with you on that one...it def helps...that and some xanax from time to time..

Now I think I've figured out what it is that I've been trying to put my finger on. I've got to help him to forgive himself. I think that's the problem. I can do that.

this is AMAZING....that you have the ability to help him forgive himself...this is so huge...your heart must be so FULL...you are truly one awesome woman...a better person then i, thats for sure, a better person then probably most people that i know....to help your offender forgive himself....way cool....kudos to you

glad to hear baby is doing well...and sorry to hear about your pet loss for your ds...i don't know why but i get the video in my head from teh cosby show when i think it was rudy's fish died and they gave it a proper fish funeral in the toilet..

tattoo: on one side

"enter here"

on the other side

"thank you for coming, come again.."


fun:

forgive - I'm so glad I don't have the only supid husband. What are they thinking when these rediculous comments are made?
I get so pissed because does he really think I'm stupid? I am starting to think that I intimidate him.

raising my hand to to say ME TOO!!!


today i went to the dr....when i got on one highway i saw a truck i never saw before, for some kind of drink..the name of the company


"honest"

get off the highways and i see a bus, for some reason i watched it turn in front of me and i was able to read the side of the bus it said

"take charge of your future"

so i believe i recieved a msg for honest, it was kind of clear as day...


you never know where a msg will come from, and it reinforced that we need to be open for them....


speaking of the future honest...now would also be a great time to find out about your transcripts, it will get you out of the house and doing something so wonderfully productive "for you"....

(((((tribe)))))

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 5:00 PM, May 6th (Thursday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun: Yes, WH always used charm to manipulate me, and it worked, I'm so gullible. But now that the charm isn't working, he's trying to bully me. But as you said, I'm smarter than he is.

Miracle: Thank you for sharing that message!!! That is unbelievable and thank you so much of thinking of me!!
I tend to be sentimental, what I call "mushy", and I've said it many times, but I really believe that God has sent me many angels to help me.

I agree with you Miracle and M3, "Stuff" doesn't cut it. WH always seems to equate giving things or money to love or that someone would owe him loyalty.

He would buy the kids almost anything they asked for, but didn't really spend any quality time with them.
Bought me stuff, bought OW everything he ever gave to me and more (diamond ring, etc, an apartment) plus letting her use all MY stuff.....ok I'm not going there right now.

I have NEVER been materialistic. NEVER wished to be rich. Only wanted a husband to love me and share our lives together.

BUT, and this is a big but, (not the one I'm sitting on lol, that's big enough!!)

When WH is no longer giving me of himself, his love, wants me to share him, AND THEN I feel I might lose my house etc, it hurts. I've lost all my "Stuff" overseas. It's not the materialistic part, but the symbolic part that I'm worthless.

Ok , I'm not making sense.

Atsen: I want to reread your posts to comment on them. I do hear your pain, and you are not alone in that. We are all in pain here, and we may hide it with some humor at times.

Keep posting.

Tryn: I wanted to comment on your post, but the page won't go back, or I'm just stupid.

{{{{Tribe}}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all. I'm better. I'm actually going out with my husband and another couple tonight, so we shall see how that goes.

M3: very funny stuff.

Honest: 1 week down, 3 to go! Not to pile anything else on your plate, but... if you were hoping for a financial deal before he leaves - the 1st Quarter is over... tick tock... time to make some decisions - stop waiting for him - most men are in no rush to commit to paying a barrel full of cash to their soon to be ex-wives.

Miracle: you can't spend your life alone. You know that. There has to be some other way.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood:

Miracle: you can't spend your life alone. You know that. There has to be some other way.

i don't intend to... ...i am not really young, i am not really old...i am in the middle...which means i have whole nother half to go....


honest: i think its time to change your dialogue with yourself...certain things are no longer acceptable for you to say about yourself...its one thing to joke, quite another when i think you might be serious...

Tryn: I wanted to comment on your post, but the page won't go back, or I'm just stupid.

It's not the materialistic part, but the symbolic part that I'm worthless.

stuff like this has to stop...you need to change how you view yourself...you are an amazing woman with an amazing capacity to love....you adore your kids and you are a wonderful mom....and you've been a good friend...

start by changing your words concerning yourself...you are worthy of so much more then you give yourself credit for...

dr phil says this all the time and i agree...we teach people how to treat us...now i am not saying that you taught your ws how to treat you to a certain extent....like the whole bigamy thing..but you have taught him that you are a pushover...there is a difference between being nice and being a pushover...time for you to take your power back

starting with:

lawyer up...and deal with the financial end

not tolerating anything negative he says, you do what your ic told you, you tell him you disagree and walk away..( i actually will do this one too.. ..so we could do it together)

no more talk about you being anything but positive stuff...

can anyone else help with the list?

(((((honest)))))

allgood: i hope you have a good time tonite..


((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***creeping into the room*****

A veteran here saying hi to all the newbies. For those that don't know me, my H had a LTA that ended in 2005 and unfortunately I had a dday2 in 2009 w/an online EA that my H self-reported. I didn't think I'd make it, but I'm actually doing very well! I took the LTA mantra and began focusing on ME.... I'm 45 pounds lighter, much more spiritual, and despite the crap I'm letting my H have this last chance to make our M work (notice the burden is on HIM)....

So, just wanted to let you guys know that even in the worst of the worst- you CAN and WILL survive, and possibly thrive if you do the work.

HS, my dear friend, YOU are the reason I popped back in, seeing the latest slip w/ your H and the alcohol. I wanted to lend you my support and encouragement- what happens when we see ANY behavior that looks or smells like A- related (lying, drinking, slippery slope) it takes us RIGHT BACK emotionally to dday all over again. Your anger, your emotions are so very normal. But with a bit of time, you can step back and with your head look at the situation. YOU can enforce boundaries or you may look at the situation and decide that this latest "offense" doesn't merit a divorce or going back to square one if you believe he *has* progressed in these past years since your dday. For me, I had accountability partners that helped me through my Hs behaviors that triggered me, and I was glad to be able to spot them. What I heard, and am passing to you, is that this R and especially your H's progress isn't necessarily linear and it probably is a life-long process. Our H's (and Ws) mostly have some pretty deep issues that don't just vanish-poof-rather they are something that is worked on over and over, and there may be "slips" with them along the way. You can be the only one that determines what "slips" you can or can not tolerate- that is such an individual decision. I'm glad I made my decision to stay with my H even when my emotions said otherwise- he is making progress and I am giving my children the gift of an in tact family (at least for now).

So, SENDING YOU HUGS from across the miles, and telling you YOU ARE SPECIAL and deserve to be happy.

Hugs to all,
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, May 7th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Atsenaotie… So, you pasted the 6 month mark and still in R mode… I think you deserve congratulations. This is a big accomplishment. I would say most folks in your situation don’t make it this far. I know my pain was at the height at 9 months. Everyone is different. But I think you might be ready to for my post…

As I look back, I was always positive about R, but the difficulty I had was to see what all the good things my W was doing. Your W gave you a 7 page letter about everything she did. That was not easy. She absolutely knows it was wrong. And I agree with her, “what purpose would it serve to go back over it?” I can tell you this, her A lasted so long and they did so much together, she will need to write a book. You must somehow in your mind be able to see that they did it all! Everything… It felt good to her… It felt right her… She did loving things to these men and did them many times over and over… Of course she loved these men and had fun doing it… Yes, to you, it was all horrible. You had some of your manhood taken from you by these men. It was stolen, theft. At this point in time, to review this over and over with your W, is not going to help to your W.. nor you. To try and get more specifics is going to be futile. You know enough stuff.. You don’t need any more information.

What you do need is for you brain to somehow know, understand, that what she did was clearly to break a major 10 commandment. She knows this too… If you can somehow put yourself in the head of you W… What do you think she feels about herself right now? I am telling you, she feels like dirt, trash, and likely never dreamed she could feel so low about herself.

I think you need to start moving toward thinking more in terms that she did liked it, she did it, it happened. YES, at that time in her life, it was exciting, fun and she enjoyed it… it was good. Of course it was good. But also think in terms she break her commitment to you, to God, to your family? YES.

What we develop after our spouses have affairs is trauma…. and in turn, that leads to phobias. The phobias take us away from our normal self… they are different feelings, different thinking. How can we get back to normal thoughts, normal everyday life is the question and what we seek?

What you need is to now focus on yourself… This will make you heal. You are already are on your way by posting here on the SI site, visiting IC, venting to a friend… You need to know how to face those situations that clearly trigger discomfort. It is my bet that you mind has reviewed you wife having sex with OM many of times.. over and over.. And that is OK… that is normal. You’ve seen it so many times in your head. What you are doing to yourself is systematic desensitization. It is good, normal and healthy and must go through this IMO. But you must come to a point and not to get stuck. You must start focusing on your accepting what has happened to you. Yes, it happened…. and nothing you can do to change history. You get out of the “stuck” mode by both you and your W doing nothing but desirables toward each other. You cannot get “caught up” in negativity with couples here on SI where one spouse is not wanting, nor willing, to stay married in a healthy way. Your wife will never be able to repay you for what she has done… The only way is to break free and start all over… a pardon. Otherwise, you age going to be making a decision to be stuck in resentment.

You both must come to a heart to heart talk that you both want to recommit to each other and make a good marriage from here out. If one of you won’t promise 100%, then you should get divorced and find someone that will. If either one of you are “wishy washy”… I “THINK”.. or “let me see” I don’t consider that full commitment. (My W did this 10 months past dday)

Is she still maintaining romantic or positive feelings for things she did with OM, if not for OM himself? Or, is this just my lack of trust and paranoia expressing itself?

This is fear. You are afraid that you wife still has positive thoughts about those OM. She likely still has good thoughts. LET ME REPEAT.. yes, she still has good feelings. That does not mean she is ACTING on those feelings... (I would love to smoke pot... but I don't because I get drug tested and I choose to have a good relationship with my work) It would be normal to believe this… Think about yourself with girlfriends before you married. Let’s face it, you don’t go have sex month in and month out with someone and leave to have 100% bad feelings about doing it… Let me asked you a question, Do you still have some positive feelings for you first girl friend? Positive thoughts? I can tell you that it is normal to have these thoughts. But you know what, that is OK. You don’t need to pressure your W into telling you something that you know will sting you or hurt you. I hate things about my wife. But I am not going to tell her these things to hurt her.

I think what you need to start focusing on today… that was then, and today is today.

In order for you to succeed in R, you are going to have to break free and start fresh. You are going to have to accept that your W was not a good wife, nor was a good woman. Your W had no idea what marriage was about nor what a healthy relationship was… She picked a life of unhealthiness. SHE did this, NOT YOU.. (unless you cheated too) This had NOTHING to do with you. She is the one that broke Gods law.. not you.

But it is your chance to help her break free from all the evilness she committed. Have a good discussion about moving forward. Tell her you have made a decision to forgive her. Tell her that you want her to forgive herself. Asked her if she wants to commit the rest of her life with you in a healthy relationship.. just you and her.. promise her you will focus on nothing but doing ”desirable things” toward her and ask her to make the same commitment toward you… Let her know that this will take some time and you will fall down and it is up to her to have the strength to stand her ground and understand it… but that you both will move toward a perfect, loving lasting relationship… move toward the Awaking part of you marriage.

If not, put yourself out of misery and just divorce to find someone that can and is willing….

Oh well… off my soap box.. lol…

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:10 AM, May 7th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, May 7th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Studies that show what people in healthy marriages do:

- Shared Spirituality
- Have a support system of other couples who strongly believe in Marriage
- Frequently Affirm each other
- Spend quality and quantity time together
-Communicate and Listen easily and well
- Approach conflict constructively as a learning experience
- Have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship
- Are open to change
- Have s sense of commitment and faithfulness to one another
- Have unity based on shared values and goals
- Have a sense of Play and humor
- Have a deep sense of Trust
- continue to experience Forgiveness
- Value service to each other


These are Desire Builders

- Affirmation
- Positive attitude
- “Present and Future” Focused
- Communication
- Cooperative attitude
- Forgiveness
- Affection
- Positive “self Talk”
- Change
- Reliability
- Romance
- Prayer

These are Desire destroyers
- Criticism
- Withdrawal
- Negative attitude
- Continueing Negative behaviors
- No communication
- No reliance on God or lack of spirituality
- Holding a grudge’
- Name calling
- Negative “self talk”
- Disrespect
- “Must win” Attitude
- Living the past


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, May 7th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow, pretty quiet in here today...

i am prayin its a good thing...

((((((tribe)))))))

happy friday!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, May 7th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally I am too hungover to make sense - but I'm lurking...


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, May 7th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hung over Allgood? I hope you had a good time last night!!

Miracle: Ok, you caught me. Those two quotes of me: "I'm stupid" and "I feel wortless"

The former was a joke. The latter, well, it's par for the course as a BS.

Tryn: Very thoughtful posts. I agree with your first post about there does come a time that if a WS is trying and making progress, that too much detail about the A can become counterproductive to R if the BS is getting stuck there. But there's a fine line between learning the info so the BS can integrate it into his/her history and start to heal, and dwelling on the past. Everyone' time line with this is different. From your posts, you seem to have gotten past that point and you are an inspiration that we hope to aspire to.

As for your lists, I thought we scored well before DDay, except a few areas, which needed improvement but weren't bad. I guess it has to be a high score for both partners, and both partners to be equally invested in the marriage.

ETA: Mother's Day is this weekend: Happy Mother's Day to everyone, and especially our "Mother Hen" Miracle!!
It's also my mother's birthday and she will be spending the weekend with us. Oh joy! A BPD and a NPD in the same house! I usually run myself ragged when she comes, but this time, too bad Mr. Dishonest...get your own tea!

We're not really talking. I know his sulky mood and looking upset and angry is due to me not feeding into his NPD. I have to wait until after my mother goes home to try to get into some serious discussions with him.

He had asked a few days ago and I changed the subject and he just asked today,"Do you want to make love to me?"

Just that in itself shows it's always about HIM!!!

I told him with a smile, "How romantic! What girl could resist such an offer!" and walked away. Bravo for me, I didn't have a sarcastic tone! I know he deserves it dripping with sarcasm, but it's counterproductive for me. I feel guilty later about it, I don't feel good. But doing it like I did, makes me feel more in control and not bitter. I KNOW I took the high road.

I hope everyone's doing well.

{{{{Tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, May 7th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well miraclemotherhen if it is too quiet in hear then someone needs to make some noise. You indicated that we should get you something this Sunday since you are "THE mother hen." This is what you would say to me. What is it that you want?

I hope that you do not go all Sybil on me when I tell you this mom hen, but I am grilling chicken tonite. Some nice big breasts, and some shapely legs.

Allgood. Hangovers suck. I hope you get well soon.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, May 7th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted prematurely again!

I want to send out Happy Mothers Day wishes to everyone. I hope that all the mothers here have a good day.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, May 7th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"How romantic! What girl could resist such an offer!"

I love it! Good for you! (Why do you feel guilty about that?!)


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 7th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwantamiracle.. I think I chased everyone off with my post… lol.. And we are grill’n too… I hope it doesn’t rain!

honesttoafault.. True, there is a fine line about what to ask... “Coming Clean” does help open up the secrets and is very healing. The first weeks after dday, it was absolutely grueling to hear the things I heard. That really is the time all the questions should be answered. The Q&A’s are very tough because they pierce your brain like a ice pick… and your spouse knows it… some spouse are just not capable of telling the truth because they cannot deal with this hurt… And I know I kept asking the same stuff over and over…

I agree that lingering questions will not heal you. I sent that message to Atsenaotie because after so much time is past, and reading some of his post and his “my story”, it just sounds like he has all the info he needs. I agree it is hard to know… but he needs to work hard past this… I think somehow we need to convince ourselves and come to a conclusion, there is just no more information needed. If not, you will never get over it. It is what it is… It’s all ugly. Hearing things like he rubbed my back, did this sex act, that sex act, is just not going to help you heal …other then maybe more information to process during the desensitization your mind will take you through…

For us in the LTA club, the information is just too overwhelming. Ten years from now, our spouses will be reminding things they forgot to tell us… Special foods they ate together, special songs, ways they held each other… all kinds of special crap… Blah blah blah… You just don’t need that information to heal. And if you think you need it.. I’m suggesting you reconsider your need… is it curiosity? I guess the key elements would be.. How long? Where? Why’s? How did you fool me? Maybe some others…

You know what honesttoafault? I bet you had a great marriage at some point. I bet we all did. We all did those desirables... and even recieved those desirables… because you are not going to marry someone who is not desirable.. Sometimes, people wear a mask because they know the desirables and fake it. I was watching that new sitcom Romantically Challenged last week. The gal was lying to her date… because she was trying to make herself more desirable… it didn’t work… in time, your true identity is always found…

Also, people change with time… a good person can fall prey to evil.. it just happens.

honesttoafault, it sounds like you are doing all the smart things... Working toward happiness...

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:33 PM, May 7th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, May 7th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

I have appreciated the view I have received from all of you in the LTA forum. They have been helpful in trying to understand parts that were not fitting for me. I want to thank trynhard. Your well thought out post came at an opportune time, right before I saw our MC for IC today. Your suggestions helped me to set my agenda for the session, and reframe some of my concerns. You are correct that I am never going to know all of the significant details from two affairs spanning 4 years. I know enough.

It was a very productive IC session; I probably should have done this sooner. I had an agenda of things I wanted to cover and he went with that. Weeks and weeks of introspection, talking with FWW, posting and reading at SI, and reading in books all seemed to come together. There were Aha moments with nearly every topic as we processed through.

I am not ready to say I am at acceptance with the A, I have too many ups and downs over the last 6 months to believe that for a while. I do believe I understand the issues in FWW and within our M that set the environment for the A’s to occur. I understand what she was looking for, why she behaved as she did (this was hard), and why they went on for as long as they did. I believe I know most of what needs to change or be addressed to protect our M from a future A.

I am not certain she truly intends to do the work to R, or if she is just marking time. Despite what she says, there have been signs she is still planning to leave after DS’s graduation in a month. I will find out eventually. Rebuilding trust will take time. What I now know is that whatever the outcome, I will be OK. I want her in my life, but I no longer feel that I need her.

The upshot is that for now at least I am past the strictly A stuff, and focusing more on the issues within our M and her that we need to fix if we are going to have a future together.

I am no longer the man FWW married or cheated on, and that is for the better; mine, my kids, and the marriage. I am looking forward to seeing if FWW can make the same transitions and getting to know my new W.

Thank you all again, and enjoy the great weekend (at least here it is
)

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 4:07 PM, May 7th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, May 7th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn. I agree with most of what you have said. You are talking from the pov of someone who has had a lot of the questions answered. It is hypothetical, but I wonder if you would view this the same if you were in my shoes. I know next to nothing compared to what you know. Maybe I am better off to only know a few names and a vague "it went on for 8 years" statement. Of course you do understand what a nervous breakdown looks like. I'm sure that like me you do not want to see another one. Not everyone can understand why or how I was able to turn off the questioning. Of course there are people in this world that might think she faked her breakdown in order to avoid her responsibility in this. The truth is, that she could not handle what she did and what she was. I guess it is very hard to be a imperfect, perfectionest. She refered to her nervous breakdown a few days ago. The first time in many years she has mentioned it. She pointed out that she does not handle pressure like she used to be able to. She said that since her breakdown she has been that way. It caught me off guard and I really did not know what to say. She got a call so the moment changed and different subjects had to be discussed.

I think that one of the main reasons someone might keep on wondering about all this is what you said, curiosity. It is like reading a mystery novel with the last chapter missing. Well in my case a novel with only chapter one and the rest missing. In either case I am afraid that there is always going to be a chapter missing. You will probably always feel that things were left out.

I don't know that I felt this way, but from reading on SI I think BSs kind of view a WS that is reluctant to disclose information as a WS that is saying fuck you, this is private and is none of your business.

I have rambled enough. At least I have given miracle something to read. She will probably come flying in here and start clucking like the good mother hen that she is. I hope your cookout does not get rained out. I need to start mine. I need to get after those breast and legs.

[This message edited by old dipstick at 4:53 PM, May 7th (Friday)]


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, May 7th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to get after those breast and legs.

Ok Dip, so last week you were talking about butts and this week it's breast and legs.
What's up?


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, May 7th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgive. Thanks for reminding me about the Butt. Like ats, I also have a special butt rub. All my female friends seem to really like it. My secret is I start with mustard. I rub the butt carefully and gently with a good coating of mustard. After I have that task done, I pat the butt all over with a super secret mixture of different ingredients. It always works. Everyone seems to really like it. They even come back for more.

I guess I need to answer your original question. Butts, now breasts and legs? What's up? I don't know. Maybe I am lonely. Mrs Dip is gone for a few days. Damn! Have I turned into a pitiful dirty old man?


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, May 7th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: hungover today... ...want-a-share?... i hope it was a good hung over...or should i say worth it...


honest: your mother and your husband....maybe you should have a few drinks... ...and thanks for the mom's day wishes..


i agree with allgood, your response to 'hrh' was a good one..


dip: what do i want for mothers day?...can you read?...what's my name?...

and thanks to you too for the mom's day wishes...

tryn: we are not a scarin bunch in here btw...

as for the lingering questions, i like the way dip answered you...for this there is not a one size fits all fix on this one....i would think it would depend on whether or not the bs got what answers were needed in the beginning, whether or not the ws ever came clean, or continues to lie....or like dip if a mental breakdown hindered all questions probably permanently...so now dip is faced with move on and deal with my issues with my wife as is to the best of my ability so that i can remain married to her with some semblance of happiness or divorce....

tryn: you are really a very lucky man, i know your wife is not the most open book either, but i know you have seen changes in her that move you, as she sees changes in you too....the 2 of you are becomming what you always should have been....only now there is an innocense that is gone from the relationship...but that doesn't mean that the relationship isn't good, quite the contrary i believe as do you....its just different...but the point is that not everyone has a ws who is "open", which makes everything else hard to impossible....


ats: you sound like you had an amazing self-discovery journey....

am no longer the man FWW married or cheated on, and that is for the better; mine, my kids, and the marriage. I am looking forward to seeing if FWW can make the same transitions and getting to know my new W.

and this is amazing, awesome and so inspirational...so yay..


psst...fnf: i too noticed dips fascination with certain parts...butts, breasts and legs....

no brains required..


((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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