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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, March 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is kind of quiet in here today.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, March 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Dip... OK I'll start something...

I was reading my wedding ceremony document... Not sure why?? maybe the 25 year anniversery..

OK this was said....


Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

4 “Haven’t you ever read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate.”

This what is followed by da book... not said on our wedding day...


7 “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

I'll tell you this... We are some forgiving people.

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:52 AM, March 17th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, March 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn.

We are forgiving. No doubt about that. I doubt I could find any of my wedding stuff. I'm sure we vowed all the "standard stuff." I guess one of us had HER fingers crossed.

I have trouble with having an A as the only reason for D. What if she shoots or stabs you, but you live? A guy might want to D over something like that!


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, March 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy St. Patrick's Day all & a speedy recovery to M & Miracle.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, March 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone.. ditto!

Hey Dip.. I got a chuckle of that post...

Why do you suppose I want tell my W, I still hurt? I want her to know this still is on my mind and it still is having a negative effect on me..(most not focused on work) I want her to know but I don't want her to hurt too. Sometimes I still think about leaving her because I cannot seem to move forward without reliving the past... I guess most days are OK.. We haven't really talked about my hurting since Mid-December. Yet day after day, I think about it... I feel like I should be farther along. I don't say anything because I just don't know what good it would do. I'm sure it would just make her feel guilty, remorse... etc. All when she is doing everything right. I think about how she has gone to every MC I wanted, transparent, loving to me... on and on... It makes no sense. I like my relationship right now! but hate those damn memories.

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:13 PM, March 17th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, March 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn.

I know exactly how you feel. Wanting her to know that you are still hurting BUT not wanting her to hurt anymore. You are still wanting to protect her. ( me too ) You are right. It makes no sense. It is a love/hate relationship. Actually it is a love/I'm pissed off at you relationship. Hate is too strong a word.

I know you feel you should be farther along, but look how far you have come. There is no schedule concerning the healing that is to be done here. It is a long race, not a sprint. I think we long for justice and we know that is never going to happen.

Our WSs may indeed know that we still hurt, but maybe they do not want to acknowledge that fact. They may not want to bring it up because as you said "I don't know what good it would do." If they are truly remorseful I'm sure they do not want to hurt us more.

You love your relationship, but hate those damn memories. Those memories do get in the way. I hate those too.

I really need to ramble more here. Someone needs to take up the slack since miracle is out today.

Except for Allgood checking on us, the women have left us alone here today. We better tidy up the place. If we don't, they will throw all our stuff in the front yard and change the locks.

Allgood.

Thanks & same to you.

Happy St. Pats day to all the tribe. I hope miracle and m3 have all the drugs that they need today.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
sailaway
♀ Member
Member # 23892
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, March 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn-
I feel the same. I feel as if I don't tell him how much it still hurts that he will think it's all ok- and its not.

I have a general question- did anyone who reconciled (or tried to) "test" their spouse. And not with affair related stuff- but general stuff. My H told me (for years) that he didn't want a puppy. So I went out and got one. That was the biggest thing- but there are little things. He doesn't like to go out to eat and I do. So now (and I never would have done this before) I say- "get in the car kids, we're going- you can come if you want (to him)." And lots of small things like that. I know on the one hand that this is counterproductive to R- but on the other I feel like I am daring him to say something.


"I have spread my dreams beneath your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." W.B.Yeats

Posts: 176 | Registered: May 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, March 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just came back from a little St Patrick's Day get-together & thought I'd check in (especially as my h is not here).
So, for the last week or so I've put my guard back up with my h because I just dont think that he is happy with our life together.
In the middle of all this (as I posted the other day)my H finally opens up to me a little (very difficult for him - he holds entirely too much in) and it seems to me that he is conflicted between wanting to be the good family man & the guy that can go out & drink & hang out without having to hear it from me. (I have to say that a lot of my built up resentment over the years is directly related to his acting like he was single too much). I can understand his frustration to a point - we have had little kids throughout our marriage that have taken up almost all of our time and effort. (He really is a hands-on dad). Tonight was a perfect example - I spent the whole time chasing our 1 yo daughter while he socialized.
I'm assuming that this topic came up in mc - because he also came to the conclusion that his attitude is a product of the fact that there were just no limits on him growing up - he did whatever he wanted.
I'm definitely taking this as a sign of progress and I'm happy for that & I'm happy that he is getting closer to figuring out what he wants - but I suspect the sad reality is that he's not going to be able to commit the way I'm going to need him to. I was unhappy about the amount he went out before & now I dont feel safe with him going out at all unless its with one of our married friends (not surprisingly - most of his friends are divorced or single co-workers).
I told him he doesnt seem all that happy at home - he's happier than he was during the A - but, to me, I dont know, I'd be elated to still have my family together every day - especially as his A has knocked the fight out of me & there's far less conflict in our home. He claims he's happiest when he's with our kids (I try not to take offense to this statement)& that when he's not happy at home it has nothing to do with me. I think family life is just boring to him. I really do.
And, then, on top of all this - we have some performance issues (which have been ongoing a few times a month since DDay - but which he has always explained away as being tired, drinking too much, etc.) and it keeps him up all night thinking about it.
What the hell is going on?
(There - I did my best to fill Miracle's shoes today. )


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
prayformiracle
♂ Member
Member # 22845
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, March 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To all the wonderful people on this thread, just wanted to let you know. iwantamiracle is doing well and recovering well.

prays to all, happy st. patricks day


Iwantamiracle, you are my everything, I will love you always and forever. Life without your smile, your love is empty and sad.
I will not stop working on me on us, I will not stop caring, will not stop loving you, ever. Faithfuly and commited.

Posts: 412 | Registered: Feb 2009
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 10:35 PM, March 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you pfm ...

give her big careful hugs from me ... and all was good on the board ...

just rest and get well ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
prayformiracle
♂ Member
Member # 22845
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, March 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hugs, are you crazy? she would kill me if i touched her.

but i will relay the message, much safer that way


Iwantamiracle, you are my everything, I will love you always and forever. Life without your smile, your love is empty and sad.
I will not stop working on me on us, I will not stop caring, will not stop loving you, ever. Faithfuly and commited.

Posts: 412 | Registered: Feb 2009
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 10:45 PM, March 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok ... that will do ... she'll have to get a booger bear hug IRL someday ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
prayformiracle
♂ Member
Member # 22845
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, March 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am sure she will be back on either tomorrow or very soon.

well wishes to all


Iwantamiracle, you are my everything, I will love you always and forever. Life without your smile, your love is empty and sad.
I will not stop working on me on us, I will not stop caring, will not stop loving you, ever. Faithfuly and commited.

Posts: 412 | Registered: Feb 2009
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, March 18th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

glad to hear that Iwam is on the mend. Gentle hugs from the west coast where I'm getting a much needed sister fix this week.

Dip & Tryn... while you are thinking of wedding and anniversary stuff I thought I'd tell you that the 1st thing I saw in my temp. bedroom was the program from my wedding. My sis found it in my mom's 'treasure box' she has here. Mom passed June'04. His online EA(?) no proof of PA, started Oct'03. I'm glad she didn't know as I didn't discover it until Feb'07. We had 1 Corinthians 13 as a reading in our ceremony "Love is faithful, etc." sometimes I want to slap those words into my FWH. I still hurt more than I can bear and he thinks all is well if I don't mention anything. Of course, he won't either. He is doing 'the right things' tells me he loves me most every phone call but I have trouble responding sometimes... he hardly ever said it before or during the A unless I coaxed it out of him. Now I can't trust myself to believe his words. I miss him-his arms around me at night-his smile-but I still hurt and think in time terms of before & after or during the A. Bad Grammar! but hope you know what I mean.

I spentlast week preparing for our 1st gs's 1st Bday party along with a lot of cuddling and singing (poor babe is teething and a bit of a cold as well). Party was a success. Haven't seen photos yet but hope to this wkend.

Midnight approaches... g'nite tribe. Hugs to all and hope M3 and babe are doing well. {{{M3 IwaM}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, March 18th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Big problems here.
As my H is starting to work ot more & more & as my anxieties started to increase, I decided to buy a var & put it in his car so I could figure out if he's still with ow. I put it in his car last night. When I woke up at 2am & found he did not return home, I called him, to find out he found the var, threw it out the window of his car & was staying at a friend's house.
I tried to explain to him that he has done one thing after the next to erode my trust & I really couldn't continue to be in the dark as to whether or not his A is really over. (It's always bothered me that he refused to let me listen in on/overhear his call to OW after they broke nc to tell her it was really over. To me, he denied me a once in a lifetime opportunity to know he ended it.)
Anyway, he's still angry this morning (our phone call was interrupted by his getting pulled over by the police - so I'm sure that hasn't helped...)
He says he feels like he's in jail, with the constant monitoring. I told him I wouldnt try to record his conversations again & I'd take out the tracking device (useless once he found out about it anyway). I guess he sort of believes me (which pisses me off to no end), but says he feels like in the future, I might start to increase surveillance by putting things in at home, etc. I promised him I wouldn't & he could check my receipts, credit card purchases whenever he wanted.
He says he just doesnt want to live like this, but he does want to be with me. Yet, he really didnt have much to say this morning. I told him that his actions caused my mistrust & that I realize I violated his rights - I dont want to listen in on his calls - I just wanted to hear if he was still talking to her or if she was in his car. I added that as far as a violation of rights goes - his complaint is really insignificant compared to the manner in which I was violated over & over again. He doesnt argue that point. I told him to take his time & decide what he really wants.
So... that's what's going on here. Hope everyone else is recuperating and having a better day.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, March 18th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Thursday Tribe!

((((((IWAM))))))

So glad to hear that surgery went well. Hope the healing process is speedy. You are sorely missed here!

((((((M3))))))

A new life... how wonderful! Hope you and baby are doing well. Hoping we get to see pics soon...

((((lostsuol))))

I miss him-his arms around me at night-his smile-but I still hurt

The hurt never really goes away... but it fades, and we move forward with a kind of blind trust. I myself was tired of wasting my energy and life looking back, so I moved ahead. I am so happy that I have and "we", my H and I have been very happy and satisfied. I can't imagine not having his arms around me. Maybe it's time to move further on and let him hold you, and you him!

"You can never change the past, only the hold it has on you."

((((dip))))
((((tryin))))
((((UKGirl)))
((((((Tribe))))))

Hope evryone has a great week-end!

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, March 18th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((allgoodnames))))))

I am so sorry that things are rough for you. Your FWS needs to understand that it is only natural to want to know what is going on with him. Whatever it takes!!! My H knew that he had lost the right to his privacy when he decided to lie and cheat!

Maybe you should calmly talk about this and then see how it goes! Would he be willing? Trust needs to be earned!

I trust my H, but truthfully, if I felt that I needed to check something I would and what could he really say! When I allowed him to come home and then back into my heart, he knew the rules!

I say shame on your H!

Hoping that you can work this out.

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, March 18th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Lovin. I'm trying to accept the fact that if he can't tolerate what is to me a minor inconvenience then it just confirm everything I've been thinking all along - that he's not ready or willing to reconcile in a meaningful way.
I hate the waiting - plus it really pisses me off because I didnt make him wait to know if I was going to R or not when I found out about the A - but I guess there's been a loss of hope for us both over the last 7 months & this may just be the final straw for us both.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, March 18th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey allgood... My wife and I went through about four "this is final" phases...

I am sorry you got caught. It would have made you feel good if you found nothing. It would have put you at some peace...

I think your H has some very big issues. He may never be able to have a healthy relationship. He runs away last night to punish you when he found the VAR vs just coming to you to talk? He was unable to tell you he had issues with your M? Issues with your relationship that he could not talk to you before his A? You both need IC and/or Retrouvaille. He does not realize the hurt he has done to you.

So last night I decided to tell my W I still hurt everyday. She told me she understands. I told her maybe if she could love me more when I'm hurting... she asked me if it was something she said or did... (meaning now)... We talked and I feel better.

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:39 AM, March 18th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, March 18th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn - I'm glad you feel better & thank you for your kind words. I agree - he stays at his friend's house to punish me. He did it once before when I found out he lied about his whereabouts. (Not really sure what I was being punished for there - I guess for snooping). Certainly raises more questions than it answers & now I've lost my best tools to figure out what he's up to.
I have to just keep getting stronger.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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