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User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats:

I also have some anxiety when I am not certain where she is and what she is doing. I know that she is not currently involved with anyone. I just sometimes feel anxiety. If we are having a bad day or week, it is much worse.

this is so normal to feel this way...and in time of your wife doing the right thing again and again and again this will hopefully ease up...

as far as you wife's feeling of missing you is awesome...

and her self policing is also awesome...as is her knowing, really knowing her boundaries...

allgood:

That's definitely it. I'm feeling better at the moment because he texted me this afternoon to tell me that he loves me & that he would come home right after work if I was really upset. He also told me he doesn't plan on staying the whole time & is not going out with the guys for drinks afterwards - which is really big

this is big for him so YAY mr allgood...

and you have nothing to apologize for....


tribe: all of us at one time or another need a break from here so this is nothing to apologize for...so any of you who do take the break...stop apoloziging....

now those of you who take a break when we know there is trouble of some sorts..please just check in so we don't worry..

ok mama bear needs to go finish cooking dinner now...coming down off my soapbox


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - in my haste I missed the part about the mediation. It's really not for you. In my experience - the person that dominated the marriage will dominate the mediation. The mediator is supposed to be impartial -so you are not going to have someone to have your "back". As intelligent as you are - you are not going to be able to get what you need in a mediation. You can still stay out of the courts and come to an agreement with the assistance of lawyers.
Put on some ARetha Franklin & let him have it!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - in my haste I missed the part about the mediation. It's really not for you. In my experience - the person that dominated the marriage will dominate the mediation. The mediator is supposed to be impartial -so you are not going to have someone to have your "back". As intelligent as you are - you are not going to be able to get what you need in a mediation. You can still stay out of the courts and come to an agreement with the assistance of lawyers.
Put on some ARetha Franklin & let him have it!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest....
Do not even listen to anything that he is saying to you...it is all toxic...he is not normal.

And... above all...do not consider going with him to his home country...
under no circumstances...
not for a visit, a vacation, nothing.
And, the same goes for your children.... you do not want him kidnapping your children and using the chauvinistic, outdated laws of that country to keep his children there with him and away from you!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest. Do not think you are crazy. Your H is. Very few people are going to be willing to share their spouse. Very few would be willing to have the operation your H wants you to have, especially since your Dr said you did not need it. You do not need to call your x about this issue either. Your H is just making shit up to excuse his behavior. Listen to everyones advice, especially Allgood's. Her legal experience will really help you now. She knows the proper way to handle these things. I'm sorry this is happening to you and wish I could be more help. Vent all you need to here. It will be good for you and might help you maintain control during this very stressful time.

Allgood. I hope you can handle tonight without too much stress. Stuff like that can be hard.

I have no more time to post so I hope all the tribe knows I am wishing everyone well today.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest do you see how many of us are here rooting for you...you deserve so much better then what you are getting, but it has to start with you, you have to want it for yourself....

take all of it in, all the hugs and support....breathe it in and let in envelope you like a warm baanket on a cold day...

(((((honest)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! this place is amazing. Just got back and saw all the replies to honest and everyone who needs a hug and just want to do a big group hug for all the support here.

((((((Tribe))))))

H is OT on business so am flying solo until Thurs so will be brief.....


ATS: I am more than 2.5 years past dday which was a voluntary confession of past sins and I STILL get worried when he is out of town, at a business dinner, etc. He has been great about being a doofus at functions and taking a picture of himself with clients at the table, etc to show where he is and email it to me so I can see where he is in real time. Would that help you? Is she willing to do that?

Allgood - you are amazing to be helping Honest when you are struggling yourself. I hope your H takes your generous gesture and does not mess it up.

Iwant - thanks for being the mother hen lately and keeping everyone in your thoughts. It makes such a difference especially when you are dealing with so much yourself.

UKG - I have never had the honor of meeting you IRL but geez, I thought I didn't mince words!!! You go girls.

Dip and Tryin - thanks for keeping the male perspective in place for us. We don't think like men so sometimes when they feed us their load of crap we start to believe it. It is so refreshing and helpful when you guys basically say "Um, no, not so much"!!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to thank you all so much. I can't believe how much you all have responded to help me. My God, I was feeling like I didn't deserve any help I was feeling so low.

I'm not trying to make a "religious thing" here, but when I was in the shower this afternoon before I posted, I just sat down while I was crying and thanking God for all the "angels" he has sent me, and said a prayer for ALL of you guys. I kept trying to tell myself to be grateful for so many good people who have helped me.

Then I posted here, and everyone came to help!! You are all so wonderful.

Allgood, I've been thinking about you all day too. You have been wonderful. I know how much you are hurting yourself. I truly understand about the "guy thing" and they feel they HAVE to hang out, etc.
I know you don't want to smother him, but perhaps you should go to functions like this with him only because it helps you. You can even tell him that. You can even say, that we need to do more things as a married couple together and not live as Tryn once said (I hope it was Tryn and I'm not making a mistake): living like single people , yet married.

I know at times I did that with xWH. He'd go out to see friends and I stay home with the kids and then sometimes I could go out with my friends and he'd watch the kids. (I'm talking about a bowling league for God's Sake!)

{{{{Allgood}}}}} You are too good....your name is perfect for you.


I really would like to say more to everyone, but I'm just getting my breath. I'm trying not to shake.

Luv to all the Tribe/Angels.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me all day to read everyone's posts from over the weekend.

You are all so awesome! Everyone is so supportive of one another. I'm so glad I found SI.

Honest - I am pulling for you. You are a strong intelligent woman who will do the right thing. H is a donkey ass, plain and simple.

I spent two nights this weekend alone. (H had to work) I realized that I do not love my husband like I used to. I never will love him like I used to. How can I?


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has been great about being a doofus at functions and taking a picture of himself with clients at the table, etc to show where he is and email it to me so I can see where he is in real time. Would that help you? Is she willing to do that?

That would be cool to have her into doing that sort of thing. I don't see it happening.

Tonight she was mad (just for an instant) when I let her know I had checked her email. I don't know why I do that, it is calming. Two weeks ago she got mad when I triggered seeing her standing outside a hotel with a male committee member. It was innocent, but looked like what I envisioned her and OM#2 after meetings.

She and MC are making it clear I need to get past this stuff. MC asked me Friday why I am still here if I am upset. I am thinking I am 6 months out from DDay, a week or two out from a second Dday with details. How am I supposed to be OK with all this this soon? Why is it my fault if she get frightened when I get mad? I am not the one who has ever hit her or broken her things. Why do I always have to know why I am sad, what people need to say or do?

Wow, that turned into a vent.

I am seeing MC for IC Friday. I used to really respect his advice, but not so much lately.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:01 PM, May 3rd (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - thanks for checking in - now that you know we are all rooting for you - go make us proud! You can do it! (Otherwise I suspect there is a fairly long of your LTA friends willing to line up outside your door to do it for you...)

Seriously - take care of yourself.

Fun: I have come to the same realization - the same as many have also come to - you don't love your spouse the same again. Maybe down the line... but clearly the innocence is gone. I do love my husband very much, but I have definitely lost the comfort and security of thinking we would be together forever. Now I'm just hoping to make it as long as we can. But - I am leaving the door open - I know many (ok -maybe not many) - or several people here have been able to successfully move on - so I'm hoping to be one of them one day.

Ats: Hi! Sorry I still haven't caught up on your situation - but I think the wayward perspective is just so different. They really don't see what takes so long to get over it. Luckily, the have the security of knowing what they've done and whether they are at risk for doing it again - so it's easier to move on. We, of course, are left with the baggage. And - 2 weeks after another DDay - she just be happy you are still there. (I've said this to my husband before - jokingly- like he should just be happy enough that he wakes up every morning and, um... well, with everything attached. Ok - maybe it's not that funny to a
guy...)
Anyhoo - does she really get it? Why does your mc think you should be over it? I think you ( and me) are still comfortably in the range of normal in the sense of a recovery timeline.

Edited because I did not read Ats' post carefully.)

Ok - that's it for now - a quick shout out to Miracle and Shirley, Dip & everyone else - but I want to get back upstairs because Mr. Allgood actually did the right thing today & did his best to make me feel comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. (And -unless there's a bomb waiting to be dropped in the future - ow wasnt even there & he came home in time for dinner.)
Like I said - I think of this as a video game - I just need to level up or get a reward every once in a while to keep chugging along.
OK - gotta show Mr. Allgood how happy he made me.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:19 PM, May 3rd (Monday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood:

WOOHOO....yay for mr allgood...

fun: listen like allgood has said, no you are not going to love him the same way, not only has your perspective of him changed, but you have changed from this as well...your core person is who she always was, but your perspectives on the world have been altered...every traumatic event that we go through alters our outview perspective of the world, our world, our friends, etc...

but that doesn't mean that you can't love him well, or he love you well....it doesn't mean that the relationship has to end, but it does have to change to survive....and i could def tell you that love is not enough for any of us....d-day changed that forever...but with hard work mostly on his part you can still have a very happy relationship....


ats: your ic sounds like he needs to be brought up to date on infidelity and its aftermath...and your wife i am sorry needs a bit of a reality check...its great that she polices herself, but she has yet to prove herself trustworthy to you, that takes time, patience, hard work on her part and steady consistance of doing stuff right.....once you do get to that point then yes it would be time to move on, but there is a small caveat....when you trigger and you will, she needs to be there for you, whether it be a month from now or 3 years from now...

ask anyone who has lost someone close to them...you don't grieve the same way, but from time to time something will strike you and bring you right back to the loss...you work through it and it passes until the next time...and each time the reminders will get less and less painful...and then you will have the times where you remember good sstuff and can reflect on lessons learned and how far you have come together...that is what all bs's strive for when trying to r.....

so basically your wife has to buck it up so to speak, get over herself and realize that your checking up on her is good thing...it means you are still checked into the marriage and ito her...and those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing...and if there is nothing there she should be fine with it...the price of infidelity..she has lost certain privileges that go with blind trust...the blind trust is gone....

oh and anytime you need to let a vent go, let it rip...we all have been there and i am sure we will be there again...it feels good too once its all purged..

honest: its so good to hear from you, you sound a bit stronger in your last post...


your ws is basically throwing temper tantrums, and is upping the price of poker as dr phil says all the time...and prepare yourself, he is gonna get a whole lot worse before he gets better...and that is good...no i am not crazy...think of it this way...the worse he gets the more scared he is...he has huge fears...and he doesn't deal with adversity at all...especially from you, he really believed that he had you under control and he is losing all control...

as long as he is not a violent man...that would be another story...and honest if he is, you need to tread lightly and get out asap, but if he is one of those bullies that does it all with his mouth and his wallet, then stand your ground

and remember this is america, land of the free....

we are here for ya...

(((((tribe)))))

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 9:53 PM, May 3rd (Monday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood, I was so happy to read your post. Yay Mr.Allgood!!

I really would like to respond to everyone who gave me such wonderful words of encouragement, perhaps in a few days when I get myself back under control.

Miracle: I was reading about NPD last week, and what you said about WS throwing a temper tantrum is exactly what they say about NPD.
He is being a bully, and the "dance" has been so entrenched in me, that I automatically react in a certain way.
You said it's going to get worse before it gets better. If I could actually believe that, I could hang on.

WH never used finances as a means of control before, but I've seen him use it with other people...business partners, relatives, etc.

He has NEVER raised his hand to me, although he admitted to me and his aunt that he did hit OW. I am not afraid of this because he KNOWS I would NEVER ever tolerate that. I would call the police so fast his head would spin and I would press charges to the full extent of the law. He knows I would.

The problem about going to his country is that we have lived there for several years. DS 11 and 15 miss thier family over there. They want to visit. I was contemplating going with them for a few weeks in the summer, before the shit hit the fan today.

I reread everyone's "Mojo" and it really helped. I was shaking and crying when I just logged on, and feel a lot better.

He is trying to control me. It always worked before. I guess since his "charm" wasn't cutting it, he decided to bully me.

I just feel so lonely, tired and working so hard to keep some self esteem.

It's like I'm a single mom without any of its benefits

Thank you all again for all your help. You have saved my life today.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honesttoafault...
just feel so lonely, tired and working so hard to keep some self esteem.

honest, you are taking care of yourself and your kids… make sure you eat right and rest. This is most important because you are in the third round of a 10 round fight for your own happiness… the wickedness of all this wants to knock you to the ground. So,you get back up… with strength, pride… you are normal and healthy, he is not. He is not doing the things that are needed for reconciliation. You will never be happy with him unless he changes in major ways… and it does not sound like he’s changed. Some people just can’t. Fight for you Honest… and your kids….

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia)

I too thought I was not capable of harming my W. So when she tried to run away because from my verbal abuse… it was about me, not her. It was about my pain and I wanted to somehow make her know my own pain. I was wanting her to say something I wanted to hear… but she was not able to tell me anything that could satisfy me…. I was never going to hear it… MY message I want to make clear to you. Your H is capable of physically hurting you. Remember this chart I posted a few post back…

See, he has nowhere to fly away. He must face you, his family, his children… knowing that he has commented a sin, adultery.. it is not a matter of faith… he knows this is wrong but obviously has so much ego, self esteem… he will fight you… his mind will tell him to do everything possible to win this fight.. He may view this as a fight for his kids too... he is in a high defense attack with you right now… He will beat you down verbally.. blameshift... His mind frame today is such it could lead to PHYSICAL ATTACK! He may be narcissistic and that makes it even more likely. Yes, Honest, I am trying to scare you. You must try hard to let him vent to you without attacking him.

Just make a plan of calm responses without running away.. Remember, you will always need him because he is the father of your children.. Keep things amicable… I know it’s easier said then done… Don't rub salt into an already bad wound… long pauses to think between comments... keep things simple.. “I cannot be married to a husband with two wives…” be ready with simple slogans… they may need repeated several times… Reassure him everything will be ok with you both even though this has happened... If my wife would have just said calm things to me, I would not have blown up.. So think about you say before you speak... Others here can help with a planning too...

Yes, things will tough for a short time… But you will recover from all this… You will not be lonely in the near future… obviously you are highly intelligent (get that degree)… and make sure you power walk, run and eat right!

One day, you will forgive him for what he has done to you and I'm sure you both will be at peace... Then it will be easy to allow the kids to visit in safety... but it will take some time to get there... and work.

Peace…

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:30 AM, May 4th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
forgivenotforget
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Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has NEVER raised his hand to me, although he admitted to me and his aunt that he did hit OW. I am not afraid of this because he KNOWS I would NEVER ever tolerate that. I would call the police so fast his head would spin and I would press charges to the full extent of the law. He knows I would

Honest - I read this with such concern for you, not because I fear necessarily that your H will physically harm you but because in our society physical abuse is always considered worse than the emotional or verbal abuse that many women suffer at the hands of abusive men.
There is something that is called "the cycle of abuse" and it applies to emotional and verbal abuse as well as physical abuse. An article that I read states:
"Abuse does not have to be physical. In fact, many survivors of emotional or mental abuse consider it far more hurtful and lasting than any bruise or broken bone they may have received."

We tend to minimize the harm of these forms of abuse when in fact they cause so much damage to our self-esteem. Also, if you really think about it, it does result in physical manifestations for those suffering under the control of an abusive person.
You mentioned that you are shaking, possibly losing sleep, anxious, maybe you have difficulty eating, concentrating, so many manifestations of emotional abuse. It is affecting your health. It is physically affecting you just as a person suffering with a physically abusive spouse suffers emotionally.
I don't know if you are seeing a IC but I wonder if you can make an appointment with one who deals primarily with abuse.

Here is something else I read that made me think of your H:
The abuser is often charming, well-liked by people he or she meets, and close friends may not have a clue of how controlling or violent the person can become in a relationship . . .
You often feel as if you're walking on eggshells. Nothing you do is good enough."

Just because he hasn't raised a hand to you, doesn't mean you are not at risk.

I know you are working very hard to get your ducks in a row and I do hope you have the proper resources to get this done asap.

I truly hope my post was helpful and that it didn't offend or upset you but I just felt so compelled to post my thoughts after reading your statement above.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 8:11 AM, May 4th (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest:

you must remember that he will use anything he can to get you back into "submission"...he wants control and you are not allowing it...he will up the price...

and yes it will get better, but i am so so sorry it won't get better until it gets worse, so you need to be prepared

knowledge is power and don't you ever forget that one too...you have the knowledge, all he has is steam...he has nothing between those ears except fear, he is existing on fear...and that means you need to be prepared..

we are all here for ya...we are not going anywhere...and irl you know you have me to run to if the need arises..and having an escape mapped out is also a good idea...

i am sorry honest but i don't put anything past this man...like i said he is existing on fear....and thats an existance that will do anything it feels to survive...and he feels completely threatened which means his survival is under attack...


(((((honest)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She and MC are making it clear I need to get past this stuff. MC asked me Friday why I am still here if I am upset.
When we started MC, I thought we could get through and be back on track by Christmas (of course I was banking on him going NC and telling the truth……) and was taken aback by the MC saying a minimum of a year, probably two. Then I started reading up and realised the combination of factors in WH’s affair – “romantic”, long term and with an old gf was considered pretty much irreconcilable. Take on board the tagline in this forum:
Long Term Affair = Long Term Recovery.
We are talking the long road of 2-5yrs. The longer the affair, the longer the recovery.

The problem about going to his country is that we have lived there for several years. DS 11 and 15 miss thier family over there. They want to visit. I was contemplating going with them for a few weeks in the summer, before the shit hit the fan today.
Do NOT sway on this, honest. You may have lived there, but you are a US citizen and you have many more rights and much more freedom in your native country. Yes, your boys will miss seeing their family but I would urge you to keep them on your shores. However much persuading your H does, DO NOT allow them to leave the US until they are adult – there are far too many cases of teens and adolescents thinking they are off on a holiday to “visit family” only to find they can’t get back. Play safe, stay safe. Do not give in and never be too tired to fight on. A short feeling of respite could lead to a long term regret. Keep to the 180 and do not deviate. Get your ducks lined up and make an appt TODAY to see a lawyer asap. Do it sweetie. It will empower you, give you knowledge and help you fight.

He has NEVER raised his hand to me, although he admitted to me and his aunt that he did hit OW.
I’m sorry, but this sounds like a veiled threat. In other words, “I have hit her, you know I’ve hit her, therefore I MIGHT hit you”. Any man who strikes a woman is capable of doing it to any woman. I feel he let it be known to make you feel a little insecure. FNF is right: “Just because he hasn't raised a hand to you, doesn't mean you are not at risk.”

eta: come back to give you a hug (((((honest)))))

[This message edited by UKgirl at 8:57 AM, May 4th (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest. Please be careful. Just because he knows you will call the law does not mean he could not snap and do something bad. By the time you would be able to get help, you could be badly injured. If he hurt OW, he could hurt you. Again, please be carefull.

ast. I can relate to how you felt seeing you W standing alone with another man. It is sort of a real life mind movie. You can not control it and do not want it to happen. She should not be mad that you feel this way. Hell, she caused it! Did you feel that way before her A? The last moment I had like that was at a friends backyard cookout. I was sitting with my W on a bench talking to a man friend who was sitting in a chair near the bench. I was called away to assist with a grill problem. As I was walking back, I look at my W talking to this man and the little shot of flashback, mind movie, went through me like a small bolt of lightning. It was not that I thought this man and my W were up to no good. I fact, I'm 99.9% they were not. He is always with his W, but this day she was weekend working. I was the one that left them alone, they did not sneak off or anything like that. I had no reason for that little lightning bolt to strike, but it did. Sometimes this stuff just comes out of nowhere, for no real reason.

I do not blame you for not liking what your MC said. He should know that you do not just "get over" this crap.

Allgood. I am glad that things worked out for the better. Maybe there is hope that your H will see the light. You may have been rewarded for helping honest while you were having your own difficulties. You really are ALLGOOD.

hurtshirley. It is good to hear that us guys can be of some help. Sometimes we can actually be right about something.

forgive. Tim McGraw is eye candy. After I read that, I checked him out to see if I had been missing something. He still does nothing for me!

miracle. Hurt called you mother hen. Didn't you call yourself mother bear yesterday. You were already known as Dear miracle Abby, Dr miracle Ruth, Dr miracle, hot powerwalking babe, and sophisticated NYC woman. I'm sure there are others I am forgetting. How many titles can one woman have?

nofun. It is a big trauma. These change you for sure. Hang in there and keep trying.

Tribe. While we were eating the ribs last fri, I asked my W what was her fav part of the meal. She said no fav, it is ALLGOOD. Right after the meal she got a severe cramp in her leg. As she was walking around in pain she kept saying, this is NOFUN, NOFUN, NO-Fing-FUN. Later as we were discussing her poor dying relative, she said that she thought it would take a MIRACLE for this one to pull through. I was starting to wonder about all these SI screen names popping up in such a short time. Strange stuff. I will really wonder if I start to hear m334455 or atsenaotie.

Hugs to the tribe.

[This message edited by old dipstick at 10:18 AM, May 4th (Tuesday)]


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh crap!!!! Setback time. My stupid butthead fucktard H must have known I was using him as a good example of how to handle business meetings. So what does the asshat do? VIOLATES ONE OF OUR AGREEMENTS!!!!

He is out of town on business. Since dday, one of our agreements was very little drinking even at business meetings and NO SOCIAL DRINKING. A lot of his "issues" resolved around losing control while drinking. He KNOWS he has a problem. For the last 2.5 years, he would have the obligatory glass of wine with dinner or toast if necessary.

So he is out with customers, out of town and he calls this am and he sounds like shit. I tell him he sounds like shit and he says, "yeh, I had too much to drink last night"

You could hear a pin drop on the phone. It was all I could do to not just hang up and change the locks. He started apologizing, etc and I just said "let's talk later". He just called from the lunch break and admitted that he had violated a boundary and he was, yet again, on the fucking slippery slope.

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS. JUST WAITING FOR HIM TO FUCK UP AGAIN!!!!!!!

Shit, fuck, goddammit, sonofabitch.

I don't care that there were no women involved. I don't care if he was with a bunch of middle-aged chinese customers. I don't care if their culture worships drinking. THAT IS NOT MY BOUNDARY AND YOU KNOW IT FUCKTARD.

I am seriously thinking about telling him to not come home. I mean what is the point if we spend almost three years trying to make this work and he goes off and gets drunk at a conference (which is how both LTAs and most of the ONS started).

Shit, fuck, goddamit, sonofabitch.

What the fuck do I doooooo?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((hurtshirley))))))

the first thing you do is to breathe.....

you have come a long way and yes what he did is monumentally stupid....that being said, are you willing to give him a chance to rectify his mistake...he didn't recognize it when he was doing it, so what if he goes to aa meetings as a way to understand that there is really no such thing as one drink..and maybe he needs this new boundary of no drinks at all....

he fucked up, totally ...

what can he do?..what do you want him to do?...


((((((hs))))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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