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User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I sholdn't mention my special butt rub

Ats. That sounds like a good deal

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 5:36 PM, April 30th (Friday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The ribs & stuff will be ready at 6:15. Don't be late. Please bring your slurpy tounge. Are you going to bring fucktard buttheadski with you?

Waaaaaaaiiiiitttt - you didn't tell me where? No Butts or Ribs for me.

And I think my H will gasp when he learns his new nickname is Fucktard Buttheadski!

I think I'm gonna have to go out for ribs and brisket tonight with a side of corn pudding and okra....yummmmm.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my gosh leave to go do dinner and come back to all this butt talk...butt rubs and fucktards....

you' all gave me a really good ....

tomorrow pfm and i go to the family counseler about the kids...i am looking forward to it...really really looking forward to it, because i am started to wonder if maybe i should have been a hittin mommy cause i would love to deck my manchild.. ...but then i would probably feel guilty for that one....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest check in when you can and just give us an o.k.

and i will have my cell phone with me if you need me...except of course when i shower...but i will call you right back...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3 and Forgive: WH told me the reason that he had OW was because I "was too loose down there". He wanted me to get an operation to "fix" it.

I said to Allgood and Miracle that WH said he did it because he was not satisfied with the qualitly or quantity of sex. I wish I had said, " If you weren't satisfied with the quality, why would you want more quantity?"

The last time he was here, after DDay#2 when he told me he did not divorce her, "You had 7 months to get that operation." I said, "what difference would it make?" He said,"It would show that you cared." I said, "So if I get the operation and we make love every day no matter whether I was sick or not, you would divorce her?"
He says, "No, but it MIGHT prevent me from marrying #3."

I posted something about this in general many months ago and a male BS posted,"If my wife gave birth to 3 of my kids, I'd be kissing the ground she walks on, instead of saying anything like that!!"


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgive: Yes, I have to remember that I cannot accept his concept of bigamy!! He thinks I will. He's insane.

Miracle: Thanks for all the support. I would love for Allgood to back him against the wall!!

Allgood: thank you for everything. You have given me some hope.

Thank you everyone for your support! I really appreciate it.

He's home and acting like everything is normal. It just hurts to see him sitting on the couch hugging DS 11 and DS 11 is telling him how much he missed him, etc. WH is just chatting away about some aunt or whoever, making jokes, and it was so tempting just to say, "Let's pretend it's ok"
but I couldn't and I felt so very sad and wanted to cry buckets that I haven't let out in months.

He went to bed, I said goodnight, he still has no idea that I'm not sleeping in the same bed. I guess I'll hear it tomorrow.

I don't want to fight. I'm too tired to pretend. I'm trying to act civil and nice. He's acting fine, but I know that when he sees that I'm just acting polite and civil, but not loving, he's going to turn into the pain in the ass.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip: since you're smoking butts, you want to put fire on my WH while you're at it?

I told my neighbor about this site and the "wish WS died instead" discussion. She has been divorced once, widowed twice, and her boyfriend just died. Her opinion? She said it's better when they die....YOU GET THE INSURANCE!!

I don't mean to offend anyone...but it did make me chuckle.

I'm laughing while crying as I write this.

Luv ya all!!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
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Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I'm glad your neighbor was able to give you a chuckle.

I completely understand the walking on eggshells. I guess what it all comes down to is your intentions - stay firm in your knowledge that you & your H have very different cultural backgrounds that are obviously influencing your expectations about marriage. There is no middle ground between them - there is, quite frankly, no fixing it. I know you know this.
It's ok to be sad - go someplace and cry for an hour - I know I always feel better after a good cry - and I do think there's some actual medical support for that as well... (God - I cant remember anything anymore...)
Anyway - my point is that you should give yourself the time & opportunity to grieve your marriage & who you thought your h was.
As to coexisting with Mr. Dishonest (and yes - I'm still willing & able to have a steel cage match with him)- let the jack ass think everything is ok & let yourself have a good silent laugh about it the whole time he is here - how YOU now have the upper hand & he's too F'n full of himself to notice!!!!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
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Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Allgood. What you are saying, is exactly what I want to do.

I did sleep on the pull out couch and in the middle of the night, I heard him come into the office, saw me and said, "oh" and went back to bed.

He's still sleeping. Jet lag. I sitting here being anxious about how he is going to react. I don't need to have to put up with his hostility. It's not outright. He more or less gives the silent treatment and I wanted him to be more open this time so we can talk more about finances.

I was waffling last night about sleeping in the same bed because I wanted to play nicey nice to get what I needed, but I knew all I would do was lie there next to him and cry. (I guess grieving) It's more in my face because he's here. When he was overseas, I was beginning to live, I mean really start to live....enjoy the day. Laugh with the kids. Start to plan my life. I can still do that, I know.

I thank everyone for your support. It's not the end of the world, I know. But I want to hang on to how far I've come and not become an embittered, cynical person.

I don't want him to take away from me the good parts of myself that he obviously didn't cherish, because his needs , all of his needs come first and foremost and always will.

OMG, sorry for the ramble, but I'll let it stand as it is. Sometimes when I read someone else's ramble and thoughts, it helps me. I hope it can help someone else.

{{{Angels/Tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest its good to hear from you...and you ramble all you need...it really is cathartic at times to just release it..i do it all the time.. ...

i am glad that you slept on the pull out and even happier that he didn't bother, i guess jet lag is something to be thankful for today...

and your progress has been amazing and don't give it away, hang on to it, all of it...


Her opinion? She said it's better when they die....YOU GET THE INSURANCE!!

this neighbor friend of yours is priceless... i almost spit on this one... ...

allgood said it well:

let the jack ass think everything is ok & let yourself have a good silent laugh about it the whole time he is here - how YOU now have the upper hand & he's too F'n full of himself to notice

((((((honest)))))

we went to the family therapist this am, and we will meet with her again next week....our story is a totally long one and quite the earful..this morn when i went for my walk, outside today..it is so beautiful here...i was actually having a good therapeutic walk and then it hit me....i don't know why it hit me but it did, great sex popped up in my head...i thought that when we had sex it was great...but how great could it have been if he needed and i mean needed to fantasize about her, wishing i was her...i began to cry while i walked, how could i have not picked up on it, how could i be so blind for so long...i am far from a stupid person, i stood up to him all the time...i questioned anything and everything all the time...but how could i not realize that he never made love to me, he had sex with me and always called for her...i wanted so much to believe, the human capacity to believe is completely beyond all reason...no matter the adversity when we want to believe ... we do....

the therapist asked about our intimacy today...and this is of course right after my mini meltdown...and i took a xanax but it didn't help with that edge of that one, i broke down in the office again..i want so much to be somewhat clinical about this...it would be so helpful in my process of detachment...but it still hurts so much...

i will find someone who will want to make love to me and only me...i will find someone who will love me more...and enough...i know i don't "need" anyone to be or feel whole, but i would like someone else to just be there just because....

ok. now that i have rambled...and rambled...yes honest if you followed all the way through...this is cathartic indeed...

(((((tribe))))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
lostsuol
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Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is Friday and some here are just a little crazy today. Me included.
Dip: It was a full moon too! I've found that lots of people are on tilt then, esp. when I worked late evg or all night shifts at the phone co.

Honest: you are in my thoughts today. Sending you much mojo for dealing with your H's arrival.

Saturday has arrived and I'm still feeling wierd. There are reasons for that.

Some of the tribe may recall the major trigger I had at his open house where I was not prepared for a collage of work photos with OW in a group shot front & center in the lounge area. This is one of the few times I regret not driving (health reasons) as I can't just drop in there on my own.

OW is at FWH's workplace today... 1st shift this session. So far, so good... other than wierd dreams this a.m. and he is coming home for lunch. At MC we talked about me being there so that I'd get to feel safe being in the building but we haven't carried this out yet.

I'm doing a bit of spring cleaning here, in tiny spurts, due to ADD tendencies. But a little cleaning is better than none imho. <GriN>

Welcome to those who have joined us lately, those lurking and posting. Sorry for the circumstances that bring you here but I know that this is a great place for support & understanding.{{{LTA tribe}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
honesttoafault
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Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: I'm sorry you had a meltdown today. Did pfm tell you that he fantasized about her while you were making love, or you feel he was? There is a major difference.

If he told you the former, I'd like to shake him for you!!
Try not to be clinical in therapy. I understand why you are doing it, I truly do. We've gotten to the point we don't WANT to hurt anymore, but it still does. Let it out in therapy. Let pfm SEE and hear how it's still affecting you.

I hope the family therapy will go well for everyone.

Lostsuol: It's good your WS is coming home for lunch. Being at that jobsite must be driving you crazy. You want to trust, but are afraid to. Spring cleaning is a good cathartic, more productive than my rambles!

I'm sorry, guys, I guess I'll be posting a little too much the next couple of days. Just trying to keep myself together. He can make me doubt myself.
He says to me this morning when he gets up, "So you're not sleeping with me any more? I can't sleep without you next to me." I said, "I can't sleep next to you. I'll cry." and I walked away.

Haven't gotten a chance to talk about anything. The phone is ringing constantly for WS, the kids are there, etc.

God, I'm rambling!! Sorry, I should journal all this instead of dumping.

Miracle, what you said is true. Just to have someone to love you. When my first xWH left and I started dating current WH, we would call each other to say goodnight. Or call to say how your day went. It's something that small you miss. I haven't had that in over a year and a half, even the times WH was here.

Ok, ok, I'll stop this nonsense.

Have a great day everyone.

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 6:09 PM, May 1st (Saturday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostsoul: i give you credit for not jumping out of your skin that the ow is there...

spring cleaning is good...did not go there yet...when it comes to cleaning i am the queen of procrastination...the queen i tell you the queen..i despise cleaning...


hang in there lostsoul, sounds like your ws is doing this right ...so yay mr ls


honest:

Haven't gotten a chance to talk about anything. The phone is ringing constantly for WS, the kids are there, etc.

this may be ablessing...too bad you couldn't just wait til the day before he goes back...talk all you need and then he goes...so much pressure....i am sure the anticipation is driving you nuts, its drving me nuts and i am not you.. ...and next time he tells you he can't sleep without you, you could let him have 1 of quite a few things on a very long list of responses:

-he doesn't have this issue when he is away, if its just a body he needs lets get a dog

-ask him if he wants a teddy

-he could leave

-too damned bad, he should have thought of that before he decided to live this way

-take a sleeping pill, better yet take a bottle

-find someone else who gives a damn...

etc...and so on and so on...

and then ask him since this is america, that you were thinking since women here believe they should have every right the man has that maybe you should take another husband, after all you have needs too....and he and his ____are just not cuttin it anymore....

i am sorry honest, your ws does get my gander up...i know this is not helping...i try really hard not to lash out at others ws's...your ws seems to be one of the exceptions to that one...


my day: well my dd16 was at it again, this time pfm got between us and physically tried to throw the kids out because of how out of control he was...we learned 2 things, 1 manchild is quite strong and 2 his years of training at karate have done us proud...pfm does not stand a chance..its a good thing i had taken a xanax earlier today so i was actually really calm through it all...i told my son very quietly that if he didn't get control, since it seems i can no longer keep him under control i would have to call social services and turn him over to the state, so i got out the phone book and started to look up the number...right now that scared him, he calmed down, but the child is so not gettin anything through his thick ass skull...and as much as it would totally kill me i would do it....if cannot control him so that he is a rational human being then i am incapable and that kills me...

he ended up after a bit, he got calm and then left..don't know where he went...and then pfm, myself and dd17 had a bit of a chat about family therapy and what she knows and how she is not dealing with it...then she got into how she doesn't want to deal with it, that in a few months she will be 18 and then i can't make her..and so on and so and so on....been a hell of day...

i am so grateful for xanax...even though i take a half a dose of the smallest dosage, it so takes that edge off...and today it needed to be off...

o./k. honest you asked:

Did pfm tell you that he fantasized about her while you were making love, or you feel he was? There is a major difference.

both....remember when i told you about the nite i became a hole....

well prior to this nite, tmi guys you may want to skip this part...anyways..prior to this he once asked me if we could fantasize about other people when we had sex, i said sure, i will take i can't remember what celebrity and then he said "no, i mean with real people"...well that was not ok...so i said no, i don't like that, that could end up really ugly..we shouldn't be fantasizing about real people that we know when we are having sex...that is just wrong...he dropped it...then not too long after that, while we would be having sex, he would call out "what does she want"...and a few other things always referring to "she"..well then i got angry because it was everytime we had sex....and i remember one nite i started to cry and i said when is it going to be me and just me....then it stopped for a while....then after a while i thought it was past and i forgot about it.....then it started again, but this time it felt different so i took it different and well i didnt' think anything of it, just thought well maybe he was saying "she" when he was referring to my vjj....and this never ever stopped....well sometime after d-day when it was finally confirmed that #1 was indeed a pa and worse that he loved her i had the mind movie of "she" and the movie of me becomming a "hole"...

so anyways i confronted him on this, but i already knew the answer...but he confirmed it....then tried to say it wasn't just her he wanted, but both of us...well the nite i was hole said differently...and the nite i became a hole changed who i was and changed our sex life permamently...

does that answer your question and then some i am sure..


and yes i will have a healthy loving sex life again...and it won't be with him...i now love sex again....he had with that act and repeated verbal and emotional abuse killed my sex drive which was quite healthy and strong....well now its back...oddly not too soon after d-day my sex drive came back...like in overdrive back...kind of like it had to make up for lost time..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
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Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So maybe this has been asked and answered already somewhere. How is it my FWW was able to have affairs years in length when other BS seem to discover the affair in weeks or nmonths? Is this just a symptom of how poorly I really was doing in the M? I know it is not because FWW is a technology genius

What are the odds I will know about the next one?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats:

So maybe this has been asked and answered already somewhere. How is it my FWW was able to have affairs years in length when other BS seem to discover the affair in weeks or nmonths? Is this just a symptom of how poorly I really was doing in the M? I know it is not because FWW is a technology genius


your inability to discover what your wife was up to is probably due to several factors...the first one being that she is a skilled liar...to be able to pull off a lta the ws is completely skilled at lying and leading a double life..

another is that you are probably very trusting, and until the ws gives your reason not to be you would have continued to be trusting...

you want to believe that the person you love the most in this world is the person you can trust the most in this world...

you may or may not have had any signs, but if you don't know the signs you cannot recognize them...many of us can now look back and see little aha moments, some of us have none...and again it all comes down as to how skilled a liar the ws is and how careful....

What are the odds I will know about the next one?


well you would hope that there is no next one...but i am willing to bet that you will always be more alert to any signs to her steppin out again...the biggest problem is when will you feel secure in the marriage again...if ever....will you be able to rebuild the trust and the marriage...those are huge hurdles..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
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Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: I am so sorry to hear you had such a rough day with DS. With my two older sons, the teen years seem to get worse and worse with a climax at age 17 ( I don't know about girls)

Pms getting physical is not going to work. I remember I stopped hitting my oldest DS (I'm talking about slapping his upper arm) when he was around that age because he was so big I hurt my hand!!

You are not incapable of controlling DS. I would suggest that you wait until you are both calm and have a discussion about what happened. The hardest thing I learned how to do with my DS's is to listen without interrupting, it's hard as a parent to do. A couple of things I know works are:

"I would like you to listen to what I have to say with an open mind...and think about what I'm saying..."

and the hardest:

"I want you to listen to my opinion. I would like you to think about it carefully. You are a smart and a good person. I trust that you will make the right decision." and tell him, and say nothing more.

It's the hardest thing to do, but they usually live up to your expectations.

About your WH's asking for "fantasies", and asking what "she wants", I agree, it would really really hurt and hard to ever forget that. I'm so sorry.

Have you talked to him about this lately? Is what he said at the time the "fog" and he was still "demonizing" you?
Damn it, I wish pms would wake up!!

Lol about your ideas about what to say to him! Maybe I should put it in "fun and games" to think of great things to say to him!!

atsen: You weren't doing so poorly in the M. It seems many of the LTA WS's are really good at playing a double life. Sometimes life circumstances make it easier, like mine, we also had long distance involved on and off that made it possible (besides that there is a language barrier that he could speak another language with people in his country and OW)

Some of them are so good, like my WS, that he was actually trying to act nicer, although somehow I KNEW in my heart something wasn't right, I felt it was an act.

Someone else said here or on another thread that we put up with more and more without realizing it. We rationalize that it's one of those "ups and downs" that happen naturally in a marriage. We get so involved in our "roles" in a marriage that we may not see some things.

The odds that you would know about the next one? Hopefully there never will be a next one. But you are now more aware and more hypervigilant. and as is often said on SI, "TRUST YOUR GUT"!!!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest: talking to him about that time is just not conducive to anything....pfm is incapable of helping me heal....

and as far as talking rationally to my ds16...i did...he was yelling really really loud and into a full blown temper tantrum...he never had them when he was little so maybe he is making up for lost time.. ...

shaking up pfm would be a huge waste of energy...and frankly not worth it...i am actually doing really well healing myself...i do have my moments, my meltdowns, my anything,,,but thankfully they do not last too long anymore, i refuse to give in to them totally...i let them be to purge and then i shake myself of them...

i long ago gave up on pfm doing anything where i am concerned...not my kids though....him trying to physically take on my son he admits was a booboo on so many levels...i am sure he won't repeat it...he did though once again put his body between ds and mine which was needed because my ds was totally irrational and the way he was yelling at me needed to be addressed by his dad, a man....my son needs to learn that he is never to yell at a woman that way, especially his mother..so not cool....to my ds's credit when he calmed down, almost on a dime btw, he was totally calm and somewhat rational if not based in reality..his emotional iq of late is quite low...and it still boggles my mind how much alike pfm and ds are...scarily so...i will be damned if i will ever be put into a position of verbal abuse by either of them ever again...ds is not pfm and pfm is not ds..so i do keep the distinction and i am miracle, hear me roar...and if i cant roar loud enough i will call for the troops..


so honest how did the rest of your day go?


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, May 2nd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Atsenaotie… We have touched on this subject

How is it my FWW was able to have affairs years in length when other BS seem to discover the affair in weeks or nmonths? Is this just a symptom of how poorly I really was doing in the M?

Like Iwant said… skilled at lying, the opportunity, and your trust. Lying often meant keeping the secret away from friends… very secret was the key. Opportunity was the biggest for me… and that means many things. Type of job, hobbies, location of each AP, AP spouse’s job, etc.. and our trust.. And also our own boundaries.

Let me give you an example of how my wife could lie for 8 years. I traveled about every week with my job and my W worked with OM. OM owned the business and his W took care of child at home that needed 24-7 care because medical ventilator. I call my W’s A a 9 to 5’r… Plus, when I coached the kids, she could stay late because I would get home until about 7 or 8. My W could go to lunch with OM.. afternoon delight… and finally, I had no boundaries because of my trust. She spent a lot of time on the phone with OM while coming home from work and I knew that… out of bounds for me now…. I was thinking it was business. This is how the betrayal can last so long. What is your story?

Fact is… spouses that have LTA usually like the M relationship. They are not 100% satisfied but they do not leave. What they fail to know is that no marriage is perfect and 100%... thus they seek it… they seek something that will never be found… Only after dday someone like this is capable of understanding what M is about.

Anyway…

What are the odds I will know about the next one?

I think a lot of this depends on you. But I think it is pretty good if you protect your own happiness, odds are she will not have another A. I think if you set up and protect you new boundaries, then they will protect you… First, you cannot control what others do.. but you can control what you do...

My new boundaries..
- I will not be married with someone that cannot be open with me… everything! Take down the mask and open up… and I the same.
- I will not be married with someone that calls, text or email another man, the same man, day in and day out. In secret or in the open… and I the same.
- I will not be married that goes to lunch with a man every week… and I the same.
- I will not be married to a woman that is too afraid to give me all her pass codes to whatever… for any reason! And I the same…
- New commitment not to ever cheat again.

Has your W said she won’t ever cheat again?

Tribe...I'll touch base with everyone later.. Peace today!

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:59 AM, May 2nd (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
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Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, May 2nd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to each of you for your responses to my question. You identified things that apply to us. FWW's easy familiarity with lying is one. Hiding feelings and telling people what they want to hear was a survival mechanism for her as a child, but she is understanding that it is not serving her well as an adult. Coupled with that is that I have been niavely trusting. Even when I knew a child wass lying, if she was emphatic enough about it I would question myself

FWW works in not-for-profit social service agencies. She has no set hours, often meets with volunteers and donors, attends events in the community. With her last A it was with her agency board president, they hid it right out in plain sight. I thought I had discovered the A before that one, but she and a well-meaning friend convinced me I was over reacting and seeing things that were not there. All I had at that time was my gut and cellphone records. Of course I know better now.

She does not ever again want to become the person she was the last 5 years. She now sees that she was wrong for most of our 20 year marriage, blaming me for everything, but not telling me to protect my feelings. I know she wants to be honest with me.

There have been some good signs, she has refused to meet alone with a group of male volunteers who wanted to set up a fundraiser for her. She will not meet alone with male board members, and I have seen her struggle with holding this line without explaining why to them. I am now invited and attend all of the galas and such events she attends, like I used to do.

I am just shocked at the behavior she has described, the alcohol use, the prescription drug abuse. The scheming and planning. I would never have believed my wife capable of these things.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, May 2nd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

atse.....
I was also clueless about the affair for 5 yrs!
And trust me... I am a very sharp, intuitive person.
My husband was a very good liar...and he was also very very good at compartmentalizing these two parts of his life!
When a really close friend of ours found out about the affair her was incrdulous! He had no clue also... and what he said (after I showed him the gross emails between my H and MOW) was... that it was as if my husband had a split personality... here he was NJguy #1 and there he was NJguy#2! and this observation was from a close male friend!
One reason that I did not suspect anything was because I did not recognize the most common behavior of people that are in the middle of affairs....and that is detachment.
You read articles about cheating and they tell you the typical things to watch out for: lip stick on the collar, increased phone calling, texting, increased attention to his appearance, working out at the gym, dressing better, being away from home more often, etc. etc.
my husband did not show any of those signs!
he seemed to be home all the time...depressed, detached,drinking a lot more than ususal,not working out at the gym, not in good shape at all,no enthusiasm, very grouchy, not wanting to do anything with me, with the family..but just hanging around the house....

Now, when I read other BS descriptions of their WS (especially men) it often is similar to my experience... they get detached, depressed, grouchy and angry...

so, thats something to look out for ...the detachment....

what I didn't know then that I do know now...that affair partners will be satisfied with very little... a BJ in a parking lot in the afternoon every couple of months.... a work related trip... etc.
so, my husband never took any time away from his family it was all during work hours or on work trips with the MOW co-worker.....

But, don't beat yourself up about not knowing....
you didn't know because you were a kind, trusting, honest, loving spouse....
why would you suspect?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


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