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User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Family Unity Day Miracle. Enjoy what you do have.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's another passage I found in general posted by "underwater" that I thought might help those of you who are dealing with H's who tell you they've been unhappy in the M for years. Personally, I found the "Demonizing the Mate" section to be very close to what my H did throughout his 8 year A. I hope this helps you to see how this pattern only confirms that the A is not about us and that so many WS's follow the relatively predictable patterns that are listed here. Actually this article was intended to help explain these patterns in D situations but I thought they really explained a lot of what many of us have experienced over the years of their A's and some are continuing to experience or hear from their S's.
A man meets a woman in the course of his life, he spends time with the
new adoring female who makes him feel very valued and desired. At first,
he only lavishes in the attention and feels invigorated. With time, he
begins to compare his feelings about the new admirer to those he has for
his wife. If he decides to break-up his family and start a new life he
is likely to go through the following psychological stages.

® DEMONIZING THE MATE: The man is a decent person who is aware that his
conduct is frowned upon both morally and socially. He begins to feel
great guilt- yet, he continues his relationship with the other woman. In
order to reconcile the conflict between his view of himself as a moral
being and his unacceptable conduct, he resorts demonizing his wife as a
justification for his behavior. He ascribed to his wife many negative
and unforgivable traits and behaviors. She may be seen as an inept
person, wife and mother or even evil.

® REWRITING HISTORY: Not only is the partner found to be irrevocably
faulted, she has been so for the whole duration of the marriage. The
husband recreates a view of historical suffering and pain he has
endured. He may say, "I have been unhappy in this marriage for twenty
years" or, "She has made every day of our married life a miserable day".
It is clear that it is a recreated story because of the exaggerated
nature of the comment, its_ intensity and the lack of balance. The
husband assumes no personal responsibility for his role in the so-called
"long term suffering". He seeks approval and support of others for
having been a victim, which in his mind fully justifies his abandoning
the family.

® PUNISHING THE MATE: The man retells his newly developed view of his
suffering often enough to believe that his wife deserves to be punished.
She is the "offender" and his "persecutor" and thus needs to be dealt
with harshly. The punishment is dished out through financial
withholding, or worse, through fighting over the children. He believes
that his wife is not entitled to receive any future benefits from him,
sometimes not even those allowed by law. "She received enough advantages
by having been married to me, she is entitled to nothing else". In many
cases he may attempt to deprive his wife equal, fair or appropriate
access to the children. Needless to say, this divorce will be very
bitter, lengthy, costly, and detrimental to the children.

® SEEKING APPROVAL: Despite all his vengeance, the man still wants the
affirmation and approval of family, friends, and curiously enough even
his wife. He wants her to accept that she was primarily responsible for
the break _up of the family and realize that he had no other choice but
to act as he did. Sadly, he may impart this view upon the children who
are traumatized enough by the divorce. The deep seeded guilt the man
experiences about having left his family for another woman continues to
plague him. For many, the strain within the original family leaves
permanent emotional scars.

® RESTORING BALANCE: The man expects the first wife to accept his new
life and even be happy for him. He wants his wife to take the full blame
for his need to escape the intolerable marriage. Therefore, she should
also accept the "new reality" and make peace with his new girlfriend or
wife. Since the first wife does not share any of his reconstructed views
of their history, she is often unwilling to embrace his new life. With
time, however, some couples learn to act civilly toward each other for
the sake of their children.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 11:28 AM, April 28th (Wednesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a quick post and will post more later.

{{{Miracle}}}. I like the new name, "Family Unity Day". It's a good focus.
Sending you strength for today, I know it must be rough, but try to stay busy and think of something to mark the new name.....take out with the kids, game night (board games? as opposed to "bored" games )

Post and vent!!

Allgood: That is an extremely insightful comment:
Blaming ourselves so we can have a bit of control back. This has me really thinking and it makes so much sense to me!!!! It reminds me of something WH said to me jokingly to make me feel better when we were dating and I was blaming myself for something that I had no control of," What are you so all powerful that you are in control of everything?" He said it with a big smile (in one of his better moments...), you know how some people kid, to you, it's all your fault because it's raining, when you are feeling too guilty?
Allgood, thank you so much!!! WOW.

I'll try to post more later.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the 3 of us were posting at the same time!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i was already in a funk and then i did a random check of something that i would rather not get into...needless to say it was something that validates my stance in this sham of a marriage....

I read this and I know you don't want to go into it but I was just hoping it was ok to ask that whatever it is you found was from the past, not a current problem.
If you'd rather just ignore this, please do. Whatever is best for you is what I hope for.
I'll just echo Allgood and wish you a very Happy Family Unity Day. I think tomorrow's timing is going to be very good for you and Honest and I'm so glad this is working out. Wish I could be there too.
((((((((Miracle)))))))))))))

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 12:05 PM, April 28th (Wednesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgivenotforget... heck, I got blamed too for my W’s behavior. Yes, something was not right and it was my fault. What was not right was this! The people we married are people that cheat. These people had a weakness, no commitment, and ate the apple. My W ate two apples! Yes, these folks had a disposition to cheat. In LTA's, They are all cake eaters.. Selfish greedy people... and those behaviors always try and steer themselves to justify their greedy ass, self-centered, self seeking need for sex and attention. Hell yes! You know it would feel good to get it…

…but the bad part in their head is knowing you broke your promise to god, to your spouse and family… your brain kicks in the defensive behavior… a method many of us use to protect our self-esteem. After cheating you need this defensive behavior because you are a POS… and you know it inside.

As a comparison, let me show you a chart and study about Rats, appropriately named here and a part of nature, like infidelity. I say … The closer you get to discovery.. the more intensity the blame gets to protect that ego, that self esteem. DDAy.. you are in full defense intensity mode. Because you cannot run anymore...

You are either going to keep up the defenses up...… or let them down... and move forward.

Yes, We all have things in our marriages that are not perfect… EVERY MARRIAGE…
So… all you can do is communicate to you spouse what you need… it is their choice if they want to give it to you…


Allgoodnamesgone… I’ll tell you this… You don’t need any more info.. nor does Nofun… It was ugly, horrible, and yes they did it, enjoyed it, liked it, loved them, and more and more… you can seek and maybe get those details.. but at one year out… it really is the point where no additional info is going to help you heal.. it was repulsive, hideous, and you already know it.. it doesn’t matter if he invited her or not.. the invite was when the decision was made that is was OK to stay in the same room…

At this stage of you grief, you need to be looking for answers to questions like.. are you going to reconnect with me.. are you going to do all desirable things for me… are you going to be honest.. remove the mask, tell me all without fear.. be a true partner… be naked in front of me… and you need to be looking at yourself in the same way. Am I going to make the choice to forgive… do desirable things.. pardon him… etc.. More of my thoughts about accepting it...

Honest… I give you strength to keep strong boundaries… Be nice, polite, to my husband but firm in your boundaries that you cannot be happy in a marriage involving polygamy. You will not lower your standards to accept the sex he will strongly want from you upon his return… If you do need the sex.. “do” him, smoke a cigarette, and then tell him to get the hell out… lol

Iwant.. make sure you bring your camera.. Dip and I want a pic… I shared mine a while back! Two of them in fact… and you can goto my flicker and see too… heck, only about 10 of us hang out here… Peace girl…

UK... you sound your're firm in you mind not to ever make a choice to forgive... That is your choice! Your decision...

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:11 PM, April 28th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I liked the "take your position back as the head of the pack."

I cannot tell you how many times over the years I got a "you think you're so much better than be" randomly out of the blue from OW -- duh. I didn't know we were in competiton -- but, yes, as a matter of fact I am :)

Advice sought from all:

I feel good about myself in general -- but not really when I'm with WH. I have all these self-defeating thoughts when I'm with him; not thin enough (yes, stupid, my 4th baby is 6 weeks old today and I'm in regular clothes only 2 sizes bigger than my "usual" size and most would still be in their maternity clothes ...)
I'm no good at sex, he doesn't *really* love me, I'm second-best, I can't every trust him again, he's just staying for the kids and the stuff, etc. etc.

See what I mean? God, I feel like I've morphed into WH -- like he inflicted his inner pain and turmoil on me in some cosmic, spiritual way; like I'm absorbing the tragedies and frustrations of his life that he can't seem to deal with himself because I'm the strong one and I can force them to
somehow dissipate.

anyway -- advice. it's stupid living in my head -- none of it goes with the reality of how WH acts or what he says at all. I'm going to talk to him about it. We don't really talk about the A -- but this isn't really about the A per se though it's related -- but unlike asking him something like sexual details, etc. this is something that has to be addressed because it's about OUR relationship -- or at least my feelings in it...


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh -- and the sex thing is weird too. Our sex life is different and that is good, but it does trigger me a bit every once in a while -- any advice for that too? WH has always been shy with me and he's letting a lot of that go which is awesome gbut knowing him and knowing OW I'm sure he was NOT shy with her, without going into a whole lot of dynamics, etc. so on the one hand I'm glad he's finally starting to cut loose (like -- yes, I can do that with someone I love and respect too and she'll still love and respect me as well...who'd've thunk?) but anyway, y'all have been where I am, I think you get my point. Help!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tribe!!!!

I was posting in UUs post in general and realized that I have completely been falling down on the job here in LTA. When I stumbled into this forum in shreds from what my husband had confessed to, I received amazing advice and support. Older members were there every step of the way.

As my healing has progressed, I haven’t been on SI as much. Some lurking when down, some reading in F&G when want some fun, some catching up here but not really helping. Since I am further out and further along, I feel like I should contribute. However, you guys are too damn fast for me!!!! I just get caught up, start to post and you are 3 pages beyond me already. I guess the good news is that my entire life is not SI anymore; the bad news is that I will have to be faster on the draw to help.

Miracle – Happy Unity Day. I hope you are able to enjoy it the way you should – with the family that you have built despite formidable odds. I also hope that whatever you found is just more of the TT and minimizing and not something new. I know it doesn’t make it easier but at least if it is in the past with the rest of the toxic waste it is easier to put in the right box.

Honest – I don’t know what to say. I feel so bad for your situation. You seem to be managing it so well and with much strength. In addition, you are doing a great job of caring for your children giving what a fucktard and asshat your “husband” <barf> is being. I can’t believe he would pit the different children against each other. There is a special kind of hell for people like him. I understand your need to “manage” him while he is here so that you can make the best situation for you and your family, but – PLEASE – do not get sucked in by his gaslighting and verbal abuse. Come to us and we will support you.

FNF – HI SWEETIE!!! You are doing an amazing job doing what I should be doing but am not (if that makes any sense at all!!!!). I love death’s “they always affair down” post. Interestingly, that is one of the first thing that my H said about the two LTAs – they were a little dumb, or cheap or whatever but that way he KNEW he was better than him. They were not a risk and, apparently, I was because he thought I was smarter than he was, better than he was, etc. – geez, what an idjit!!

Allgood – I have to say my H was scared enough by me and I am not even a divorce attorney. I am sure your H was pissing in his pants knowing what he would lose both financially but emotionally – his family, his support network, his friends. It always just flabbergasts me that they are SHOCKED, just shocked, when they get found out and they realize what they have to lose. Hey dude, you might have wanted to think about that BEFORE you fucked some sleazebag in the parking lot. <<<shaking head and muttering to self>>>

Nofun (or is it allfunallthetime?) – don’t get down on yourself for speaking up. First, you didn’t cause that discussion, he did by his actions. If he hadn’t have put you in this place you wouldn’t need to discuss it. Secondly, you can’t R if 1) you believe you still don’t have the whole truth and 2) he gets mad if you want to discuss. Those are both major parts of R. The truth, as ugly as it might be, needs to be faced by BOTH parties. He needs to OWN what he has done for himself, he needs to face himself, he needs to fix those parts that allowed him to do this. If he doesn’t he is still at risk to himself and to you.

Lostsoul – you have had a lot to deal with in your R. I remember you from when I first came here. With all the moving back and forth and changing of jobs it seemed like you felt like you “had” to forgive and “move on”. Unfortuately, this process takes the time it is going to take and there is nothing we can do to speed it up. I was feeling really good about us last week and then had a setback this week over something stupid and trivial. The key is I let my H know about it right away, we talked it out and now I am okay. I think if you don’t tell your H or try to bury it, it will just resurface in another way. It is sort of like a volcano, the pressure builds and the lava is coming to the surface, but nobody know where or when it will blow. By opening up to him (or someone) you control that flow and make it less destructive. KWIM?

NJgal – yeah! My Hs two LTA were shocked when they got the call 7 and 14 YEARS later to find out that they had been thrown under the bus. He called them both on the speakerphone to tell them that he had confessed and that I knew about them. They both still live in the area. We have mutual friends with one of them. I have since met them both and told them that this is not a secret. They are at risk of total exposure whenever I feel like it . They haven’t told their Hs. I do not know for the life of me how they sleep at night. I think they both thought that they had some special “unfulfilled love” and that they would have their “special secret” to share forever. They found out it wasn’t so special when they got thrown under the bus and found out they weren’t the only one!!!!

Oooooooohhhhh!!!! A GTG – are you going into the city? Please take pics and post so we can all share in the fun!!

Sorry to those I missed – I promise to catch up more.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Shirley - IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU. You sound great and as always, your sense of humor is coming through loud and clear.
Ok, so I don't know why, but as soon as I saw your post I started singing this. Recognize the tune??
"Our girlfriend's back and she's gonna rock this forum, hey la hey la, our girlfriend's back."

Thanks to you, I'll be singing this for the rest of the night.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 2:59 PM, April 28th (Wednesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3.

I think at times we all spend more time living in our heads than we should. This is such a bad experience it is so hard to shake these thoughts. I believe that thinking those thoughts you describe are a normal part of all this. I can relate to what you said about absorbing the stuff your H can't handle. I feel that way quite often when dealing with my W. She sometimes has a hard time dealing with everyday life so I get a big dose of venting. I have wondered if she thinks that sending all this stuff into my brain somehow makes it disappear. Of course since she is boarderline pd she can often find new stuff to send my way. Talk to your H about these things. It might do him some good to learn more about the damage he has done.

The baby is six weeks old today! How time flies! Congratulations to you concerning the clothes size. Good job!

hurtshirley.

Hi. It is good to see you here. Yes this place does move at a fast pace. Miss three days and it takes a long time to catch up. As someone said a few weeks ago, this is a chatty forum.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now for the entertainment portion of our show....

I wanted to post this earlier but waited to get clearance from the mods. PLEASE do not turn this into a political discussion - keep it infidelity related so we don't all get banned!

So you know when our WS were/are in the "affair fog" and are busy re-writing marital history and blaming us for everything? Well, there is this absolutely hilarious thread going on twitter called “nickcleggsfault”. I suggest everyone go to twitter and search for “nickcleggsfault” and, as of today, “suesfault”. It is absolutely hilarious to follow everyone tweeting why it is nickcleggsfault that they are late, or hungover, or poorly dressed, or whatever. If you don’t understand the nickcleggsfault thing PM me and I will explain to keep the politics out of the forums. Anyway, basically, people the world over are assigning all of their woes, problems, fuck-ups whatever to one person because, as we all know, "it couldn't possibly be MY FAULT".

I know I am further along when I can laugh about this stuff.

p.s. if anyone is any good at twitter, I would love some tips.

ETA:

"Our girlfriend's back and she's gonna rock this forum, hey la hey la, our girlfriend's back."

Oh, yeah!!! Got my girlfriend going on FNF.

"We are family." also brings back the memories - what an amazing place this is.

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 3:52 PM, April 28th (Wednesday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: "At this stage of you grief, you need to be looking for answers to questions like.. are you going to reconnect with me.. are you going to do all desirable things for me… are you going to be honest.. remove the mask, tell me all without fear.. be a true partner… be naked in front of me… and you need to be looking at yourself in the same way. Am I going to make the choice to forgive… do desirable things.. pardon him…"

I'm going to try to focus on that. Thank you.


M3: no advice - but I totally relate to how you are feeling. Ugh - I'm fighting it though. And - good for you out of maternity clothes 6weeks later! You're a superstar!

HurtShirley: thanks for the laugh.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i dont have long

hs its always great to hear from you...


fnf you asked

whatever it is you found was from the past, not a current problem.

brand spankin new....and because he reads here all the time i would rather not go into it...the only thing that i can say is that he is still hiding things....i sent him the following text yesterday:

"why would one alter others words if not to hide, i am vallidated yet again in my stance...this is not up for discussion either"

his response:

"i am confussed. if this is about my post. what words did i change. and of i am being honest why can i not just be corrected instead of being accused of hiding"

my response:

"not your post, and if you are true in honesty there would be nothing to correct...discussion closed"

and to all this and then

i know what i know and its not going to change, so why when i find something am i wounded...shouldn't i be used to it...i expect it...so why does it still hurt....

i still wish he died..i would have grieved, my kids would have grieved...this family would not have as many issues as we do now and i would have been able to move on is so many ways...

he also fucked up concerning today....as usual he never asked me about what i would like to do dinner wise...i sure as hell am not cooking for him....unless i could put arsenic in it...my dd was really sick yesterday with vomitting...so i wasn
t entirely sure what we would end up doing....but the jerk never once even asked about it....as i always do i am the one to start the ball rolling...mr i am a changed man....he has changed...but there are still certain things that remain and will always remain...he biggest one is that he is still not an honest and open person...

i still think i might be pm'sing...way too emotional about all this crap i am...i hope that is the case....i like being further down the road of self preservation...its a much happier place down that road...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 4:05 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((iwant)))))))))

Happy family unity day ...

may you all find the unity you so deserve ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((iwant)))))))

i know what i know and its not going to change, so why when i find something am i wounded...shouldn't i be used to it...i expect it...so why does it still hurt....

honey, it hurts because, despite ourselves we want to BELIEVE that they will/are changing/changed. And, when something happens that reminds us of who they were, it hurts like hell even if they HAVE changes. If he is still gaslighting, minimizing and you are finding evidence of that, you are going to hurt. For you and for your family. He needed to step up to the plate for today and he didn't - that makes you feel less validated in your decision to stay for the family. That hurts.

One question: do you think he was afraid of bringing it up. I know that my H didn't say anything last antiversary because it was year 2 and he didn't want to dig up any "old" feelings. What he didn't realize is that by not facing it, he made me think he didn't care - biiiiiiggggggg mistake. Guessing he won't do that again.

I am sorry you are in such a bad place. Can you order pizza and spend this cold, nasty night on the couch with your kids? I know that always makes me feel better.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IWaM... I'd like to wish you a very Happy Family Unity Day. I'm sad to read that your H is still not 'manning up' for you. I'm having a rough day and just read through all the posts and need to re-read to reply so I'll just say that although it's past dinner hour for you but I hope your dd is well enough to enjoy whatever dinner that you decide on.

I think tomorrow's timing for a GT (get together) will be very good for you & Honest. Wish I could join you. I know the great feeling of meeting Internet friends IRL (in real life) from previous events with other online friends.
{{{{{Miracle}}}}} {{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood - I can't bury my head in the sand. I seriously need to know. I will leave him if I find out one more thing from TT. And maybe I'm digging for it. But I can't live with lies secrets and I don't want him to think that I believe everything he tells me because I DON'T. I'm much smarter than he could ever hope to be!! If it wasn't for me, he would have shit! He's already proved to me he has shit for brains!

Tryn - You are always so positive. Why can't I get in your mind set? After one year I should let it go and move on? I would gladly move on if I thought I had all of the truth. The MC said the same thing you just said though...he said it was 12 years of lying, ugliness, betrayal, secrets, etc. You need to start from now and move forward if you are ever going to R.

(((((miracle))))

m334455 - I feel good about myself too, but it's the sex. I totally understand. How do we reclaim that with FWH?

FGF - thank you for the post...it made sense.

I know I'm not acknowledging everyone and I apologize but you guys are just way to fast for me!

I'm just feeling very anxious tonight. Anybody got tips for what to do when anxiety sets in?


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun: let's see - when anxiety sets in - that's usually when I start thinking outside the box as to new investigative techniques - which usually leads to a discovery I dont want to discover... so - lately, as I'm trying to be a bit more productive - I've been doing a lot of online shopping for cute clothes that will either make my husband or someone else drool over me... and then I secretly giggle over the ridiculous amount of money I'm spending (that I would never have spent pre-DDay - but in my head - I'm owed a lot of money.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 9:34 PM, April 28th (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
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Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgive: thank you for posting that article. It seems like it was written just for my WH. <sigh> Especially the last part, that WH wants you to be happy for them. He had the audacity to tell me on DDay that I would love OC's and the one OC D was like "candy". He wanted me to meet them because I would be a good influence on them.

xWh certainly demonized me! He didn't say much, but he looked at me as though I murdered someone.

Tryn: LOL, how did you know my one vice, I do smoke (I know I know, tried to stop many time!!) I think your advice to be nice and polite is better for me. The problem I was always having was that I would step back so much in order to protect my heart, that WH accused me of being "hostile". I did explain to him that I wasn't "Hostile" per se, but hurt and protecting myself.
But damn, he deserves hostility!!!! Oh, my mind can make a lot of fantasies of what he really deserves!! The main thing I wish would happen is that OW cheats on him with a younger man. Do you know that WH had those OC's have paternity tests? WH doesn't trust OW enough that he had to do that, yet he won't divorce her? I guess that's what hurts. He'll stay with her, but will sacrifice me and the kids!

M3, good for you for losing all that weight!! I understand what you are saying about making love with you WH. The only advice I can give is how I handled it when we were in false R (I thought it was real..)
I tried to think of it as just sex at first, which is something I NEVER did in my life. After a few times, I started to relax a little and was starting to make love. I hope this is not TMI, but I hope you understand what I mean.

I had always attached more emotion to sex, than my WH ever did. A long time ago someone posted here that their WS was "goal oriented" when having sex (or maybe that was on the NPD forum....sounds like it :) )
This is why, I think, a lot of wives may not want to make love, even without infidelity issues. H is not being loving all day, and then like a light switch they want to have sex, and we want to make love....it's hard to switch gears.

HS: thank you for your kind words. I don't feel at all strong, but I try as well as I can. Although my WH is a "fucktard" to the Nth degree, he didn't pit the children against each other, although I wouldn't put it past him to do so. I will try ( I know as Yoda says, don't try, do) not to let him gaslight me and the verbal abuse... it's the push/pull. WH knows it's not really working like it did before.

Miracle: I'm so sorry about what happened today. I understand your sadness, and to happen today of all days makes it harder to deal with.

My mother always said that a certain time in Nov. used to trigger her with bad memories because her brother, mother, and father died at that time (different years of course) and that's when my father left. Even the smell in the air. (Isn't that "classical conditioning" a la Pavlov, or "operant conditioning" like Skinner?....me and my god damn Trivia)

This day is a big trigger for you, and your discovery just gave you a double whammy and here comes WH going for the triple!!

I'm so sorry.

Nofun, maybe it's the weather, but I've been anxious today too. I know what you mean. When I was in false R, I really was looking for something that would decide for me. I actually wanted to find something to say AHA! See!!! There's no question about what I should do.
I think you are still questioning whether you want to R or not. The only advice I can give, is hope for the best, and prepare for the worst, and it seems that you have prepared for the worst. But, I think you also need to be ready for something good too. We've been disappointed so much, that's all we expect. I hope and pray that your WS wakes up more and realizes he's on his last and final chance!!

Lost suol and everyone,Thank you for wishing us luck tomorrow. We wish everyone could be there, but you'll be there in our hearts.
Sorry, Dip, I don't know about pics!

{{{{Tribe}}}}


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