Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: DevastatedWH (43169)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just want to drop in and let you guys know that i am o.k....just a bit sad...

still looking forward to meeting honest and allgood this thur....

(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good to hear from you Miracle. I am really looking forward to Thursday as well.

Forgive: I definitely never thought I would R after an A. But - I have to say - being a divorce attorney - I dont think that really has an impact - other than that over the years, my H has learned a lot about what happens in a divorce - so there's no need to educate him, there's no disillusion on his part as to what would happen. He knows exactly what would happen. Not in a threatening kind of way. He knows I would never want the kids to find out about this. He knows I would never kick him out. He knows this because when he broke NC and I told him it was over & actually stuck to it for a lil while at least - he heard me lay out the ground rules and they were very fair. He knows I wouldn't hurt him, but he knows exactly what his financial responsibilites are as well and he knows I'm not going to settle for less. (It's not about being a pig - it's about keeping stability for the kids - we are both in agreement as far as this goes - tho I've told him I'm not so naive to believe that things wouldnt change once he really moved on with someone else.)
Got slightly off topic there.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle and Allgood, I'm looking forward to Thurs. as well. Miracle, we are all here for you if you need to vent!!

Allgood, your WH better appreciate you!! You are really being so understanding and giving with him. I really admire your strength and how you put your boundaries and have a plan in place. You have done what I need to do, get some inner strength. You seem to have taken control of you.
Forgive: I feel the same way about you when I read your posts. I know that you, and Allgood still feel a lot of pain and grief, but you are moving forward and are an inspiration to me.

Tryn: thank you for sharing how you initially felt about your WW. From your posts, you too, are moving forward. You, too, are an inspiration to me. You have shared with us how you moved through your pain and yet were strong enough to be able to change the things inside yourself that you felt were contributing factors to the marital problems. That is so hard to find that balance. It's either I'm blaming WH completely, or blame myself completely (usually the latter) and it seems so overwhelming and hopeless.

I'm trying to find an anchor within myself. I am trying not to get so worked up that WH is coming home on Fri. The roller coaster has really taken a deep dip this time.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - thanks for letting us know you're ok. The sadness unfortunately is sometimes overwhelming so take this day and don't worry about us. Go and do something for yourself only, even if just going on a nice long walk. Looks like the weather might cooperate. Just know we are here if you need us. (((Miracle)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgive

Here I am. Thanks for asking. I have been busy and not had time to post. I did try yesterday, but I had a internet problem and my post went away. There is so many posts the past days that it is a full time job just catching up.

A few days ago you said the OW had cancer. In my case OM#1 died of the C. This was before D-day #2 and probably during my W LTA. I remember when I found out he was in the hospital and for sure dying, I thought about paying him one last visit. That was only a momentary thought. There was no real point in it for me or anybody. I had already had my face to face talk to him years before. The day I found out he died I did not laugh. I did not cry either.

Honest.

You made nofun ( nogoodallfun? ) laugh and spit coffee ( cawfee? ). I said just last week that a goal I had was to accomplish that feat. You did it. I am envious, jealous, and impressed. Good job!

tryn.

Nice try with the pic request. I wish one of us could crash their "hen party." We need a first hand report from the male point of view.

miracle.

Sorry you are sad. I hope your meeting with the girls will give you a lift.

I have many thought about the posts from the last several days, but my time is limited for now. As usual everyone here offers great insight, advice and support.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest, if he won’t choose, then you have to choose for him – accept and stay or divorce.
"She is my full wife in every sense of the word. What I do with her is none of your business." "You have to accept the fact that your husband is married to someone else." If he is “married” to someone else, excuse me, but that is very much your business!!! And you do NOT have to accept it. He knew you wouldn’t like it, that’s why he kept her a secret.
And then he says you will spend the rest of your lives together - does that include OW too? No? Then how can you spend the rest of your life “together”? what kind of cloud cuckoo land is he living in?
Finally, he says he feels divorce it not good for the kids. Perhaps he can explain how being in a bigamous marriage is better for them?

Read up one SerJR’s setting healthy boundaries:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851
Unfortunately, the thread on dealing with a foggy spouse has fallen off, perhaps you could ask to reinstate it from the archives and have a read. Go back into the healing library and find some strength and values to hold onto. Come in here and ask for support. One thing, I wouldn’t let him know you have received legal advice – not yet. Keep your ammo dry on that one.

Get those ducks nicely aligned. Make yourself as secure as you can be. Be strong. I’m sorry honest, I don’t see you have a choice.

Glad to see you miracle. Thanks for checking in. We all have down times and sometimes just need a break. Now the weather's a little brighter, perhaps you should take a stroll and do those anti-D activities. They work for me. Take a sense of the day and concentrate on it. Go out and use your eyes. Really look and really see. The world is truly amazing. The detail on a flower, a sleeping baby in a pram, even rain on a puddle. Do it again with another sense. It becomes like meditation and you can put things to one side for a short while. Just 15mins sitting in the park - shut your eyes and listen. But great to see you’re having another gtg! Yay for Thursday - have a great day girls!

Interesting to see Tryn’s post and chart. Makes for some different kind of thinking when you see it in picture form. But I am not forgiving. I am no longer married to that man. I have to compartmentalise that part of my life, not just as a chapter in a book, but as a book in its own right – a sort of Part One of a trilogy. Part two is a short connecting story from d-day and the tsunami-hit island I found myself stranded on. Part three is where I ship out from the ravaged, desolate and barren wasteland that is my prison island and sail on and into another relationship. I cannot allow myself to be in a relationship with the man I married in 1980. That was a lie. For him, it was one huge lie. As far as I am concerned, we are divorced. That marriage and that book is finished. This man may well persuade me to leave this place and take me to a different part of the world, but I will heed the warning signs of another tsunami and not be so stupid and mesmerised to stand there watching the tide pull out and all the birds disappear and wondering why there was a sound of an approaching freight train on a beach.

Got a little carried away there!!! LOL!

FNF, I have that posting by DBB. Brilliant. I read it and know that is how it was. MOW took the crumbs from MY table that WH was feeding her. She is horribly needy and clingy. But then WH was OMM. So what did that make him? I think BH saw him as arrogant, vain, selfish and greedy and someone who emotionally broke his WW after playing with her. He had no respect for him and viewed him with distain. And I don’t blame him. I don’t think they were broken, sick or the “most injured of the pack”. I think they were both just plain fucking selfish!!! But yes, most of it rings true. Esp the bit about needing to feel great, if only temporarily.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 10:26 AM, April 27th (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You ladies take a group pic when you get together..
You can "poof" it later. I posted one in F&G last year when LostH, FNF, Brooke and didnthaveaclue met. Left it up for a few days and poofed it. Nice to see people IRL and put a face to the name.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello tribe... I've been lurking, not able to post anything constructive so have kept to myself... but so much of the recent pages echo what's in my head that I am truly amazed despite being on SI since only about a week after Dday.

I think everyone thinks they can never forgive (never get over the hurt and damage)... I didn't think I could... Until Dday happens. => so many different situations...
This was me excpt for
Shocked not in any pain...
I was in pain, horrified at how this could happen after 30 yrs of marriage (also his only relationship as someone said - sorry memory fails me about who - still, why then as we are so close to reaching many of the goals I thought we both set for our marriage).
but thoughts going and coming about what to say, what to do...
Also When... Since I hadn't found SI I didn't know not to confront immediately so spent a morning in an anxious state knowing he was going out of town for a week that p.m.; not able to imagine holding it in until his return.

For me, I think my wife was lucky that my parents are D. I hated the fact I split time... I hated that so much, I was willing to try and R. I was also afraid. The fear at the time of thinking about such a huge change in my life...
This is me, too! I didn't want our children and (unborn) gr'children to experience 'family life' and holiday celebrations as I had, split between my parents. Greed at splitting our wealth wasn't a factor as we don't have a lot in that respect but I was happy in my naive way with our life as it was.

Fear of change played a huge role in my staying to R.
For me it was 'more change' as I'd just been uprooted from a life I'd built in a new city due to his job transfer that I enjoyed. [Long story] Our move back to our 'home city' was more of a financial drain than the transfer had been (lost $$$ & higher cost of living in the east) but I was concerned for his health due to stress and ever the supportive wife, I did what was needed to facilitate the move... to find out that he'd been in the online EA since the year previous with a co-worker! And cont'd with IRL meetings when he travelled 'home' for work. He'd never really considered the new location to be home while I did the best I could to adjust, thinking that home was where we were together. As a result, I'm back where we met, fell in love, married, had children and spent more than half our lives together... only to trigger at every turn in the house I bought for us so we could return 'home'.

Forgiveness? I thought I'd forgiven but it was likely too soon... maybe in the fog of wanting to R and not realizing how deep the pain is I fooled myself. I still have so much resentment within. It doesn't seem to me to be easing up.
Our last IC/MC appointment (mid December) was cancelled due to my s-i-l's health situation & H's time comittments. She passed at the beginning of Feb. His responsibilities as her executor are time-consuming and it's busy season for him at work so 'We' are on the back burner again despite outward appearances. These circumstances are making my worldly mask too heavy to wear. Increased meds for physical pain only take the edge off and AD's are at maximum dosage. 3 hours of sleep last night are not helping and now I'm running off at the keyboard.

{{{LTA tribe}}}

back to lurk mode or a nap


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he knows exactly what his financial responsibilites are as well and he knows I'm not going to settle for less.

I agree completely. My H was shocked to see what I would be entitled to. I told him the same thing. I wasn't trying to get anything more than I was entitled to but I wanted him to know that I would make sure to get what I needed and what was fair and reasonable.
Honest - Thank you for your compliment but I hope you know that you too are a very strong person. I think you know that your situation is very unique here and yet you are handling it so well. You are putting your ducks in a row, you are maintaining your personal integrity, you are supporting others on here, you are maintaining a great sense of humor (very important too) and you are preparing yourself and your home for your H's return knowing you have some very tough days ahead of you. Truthfully, I think you have amazing strength. A lot of people would fold under that kind of pressure but you are doing all that you need to so that you and your children are protected. Major kudos to you!!!!!!!!!!
I know that you are very anxious about his return and I hope you can come here and find some strength and support. I'm glad you, Allgood and Miracle are meeting up on Thursday and hope this helps you build some defenses. You are a lot tougher than you may even realize. I admire you for your strength and your compassion for others.
Dip - good to see you. I'm glad it's just life keeping you busy. It's funny, since I've found out about the OW's CA, I've wondered if I should think about finally having a meeting. I never did. I told my H to tell her that I never wanted to see or hear from her again. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing she could say to me to justify her betrayal of what I believed to be our friendship. It still boggles my mind to think she could call me, have dinner with me, laugh with me, cry with me, etc., etc., and all the while, boink my H (wanted to use the f word but didn't want to offend you ) at every chance she could. My one fear of giving her a chance to apologize is stirring up so many painful memories. I'm glad you got to have at least one chance to let the OM know exactly how you felt.
UKG - I loved your trilogy analogy. Ever think of writing the books??? Wow, you can cook, write, entertain famously, how very creative you are.
but I will heed the warning signs of another tsunami and not be so stupid and mesmerised to stand there watching the tide pull out and all the birds disappear and wondering why there was a sound of an approaching freight train on a beach.

Loved this!!!!

LostSoul - sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. Do you feel the resentment is just unexpressed pain from your H's A or is he not giving you the love and support you feel you need and deserve? Has he not made the changes you need in order to move past this? It's unfortunate that your life right now is too hectic to get back into C'ing.
I don't know if you knew about my sister's death in the fall. It has been a tough road back especially since she was my greatest supporter. I remember shortly after her death being overwhelmed with all the pain of my H's betrayal all over again and I was so confused, afterall I was grieving the loss of my beloved sister. I went back to my C and he told me that when we suffer a new major loss, other losses come piling up on us like a train wreck and that he was not surprised that I was reliving the pain of my H's betrayal. Is it possible since your sil's death this could be part of what you are going through? It might be worth seeing your C to discuss this possibility.
Let me know if there is anyway I can help. You can PM me if you like.
((((LS))))

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 1:24 PM, April 27th (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you know i don't know why i once in a while do a check of stuff.....i was already in a funk and then i did a random check of something that i would rather not get into...needless to say it was something that validates my stance in this sham of a marriage....and it just made me even sadder and madder....i really wish he would just stop with all the professions already, he is still the man i have since realized he truly is....i am so so tired of it all....i still wish he died instead...may god please forgive me i still wish he died instead.....i guess all the pain i feel is a true testament to how deeply i loved....as it should be...that is as it should be if it were reciprocated which clearly it never was....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.

I am sorry to hear this. I'm sending you a million hugs....

Dip.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Helpless  Posted: 4:49 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i still wish he died instead...may god please forgive me i still wish he died instead.....i guess all the pain i feel is a true testament to how deeply i loved

(((iwant))) I have thought this since d-day ... I have thought what could be worse than this pain I am living in ???

and I asked myself would I be more sad if he had died and I never knew of the A ??? If he died me thinking we were so in love and happy ... blah blah blah ... would it be easier for me to recover ???

and like you at this point I think I could recover easier if he had died ... as horrific as that sounds to say and think ... I think it would be easier to heal with the lie of love ...

so you are not alone in this feeling do not think you are ...

more hugs ... and please feel free to pm me anytime if you want to get it off your chest ... you do not always have to be mama bear ... I am very capable of giving you hugs and support to help you try and heal also ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really think that everyone believes that an affair...especially a long term affair is a deal breaker.
They believe that they will definitely never be able to forgive or forget a betrayal that big!
That's what they believe....until it happens to them.
And then, they realize that life is not black and white...it's mostly one big gray area....
One thing that I didn't expect was my husband's reaction to d-day.
When I thought about not being able to forgive a cheating spouse.... I assumed that the spouse would be unremorseful... would be 'in love' with the affair partner, would not want to be married, etc. etc.
That's what I imagined it was like...
Meanwhile, my husband surprised me with his reaction. He was extremely remorseful, upset, ashamed, and completely focused on saving the marriage. He begged and pleaded for me to take him back from day one.
He broke off contact with the MOW immediately and never broke NC.Told me that she meant nothing to him and that he loved only me.
He didn't give up trying to win me back... he wrote emails and letters to me every day for all 6 months that we were separated.
He became 100% sober right after d-day and started attending AA meetings...he continues to this day- 3 yrs later.
He shows me in words and actions that he loves me every day.
That was why I decided to reconcile.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 9:52 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((njgal480)))

I am so happy for your sitch ... it sounds like you have one of them rare WS's ... like so many are who are on this site ...

however we are all not so blessed with a truly remorseful WS ...

My stbxwh was/is the exact opposite of yours ... his was a 2+ year exit A ... he had grieved the M, if he ever really did, while I had no idea.

On d-day he did not wanna be M to me anymore, said he did not love me anymore and said he had not loved me since sometime in 2005 ??? When he 1st members becoming unhappy with our M.

Did he say anything ??? nope, I had noidea he was that unhappy, I knew our M was far from great, very far, but I never thought, never imagined this.

In dec 2006 the EA began and by July 2007 they were in a full on relationship. They are still together, not yet living together to my knowledge, just waiting for that shoe to drop tho, anyday I am sure.

While I am so very greatful for all the BS's out there who have truly remorseful WS's ... we are not all that blessed. And there are truly remorseful WS's out there and the BS's are the ones to leave ...

I never wanted the D ... I filed because I had no choice and I refused to stay M to a man who was still fucking the whore ...

I always wanted to R ... tried for 4+ months ... they never upheld the N/C ...

soooo ... la ~ de ~ dah ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip: LOL, what do they say? Beginner's luck? Although I am glad I made someone laugh. We'll always say nofun is up to "nogood" (in a mischievious sense )

UKgirl: That's why WH is driving me crazy, he says such horrid things and then comes out with, "You'll be in my arms the rest of my life." This is on the phone, but I don't take the bait. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "There is not room for two wives in your arms!!"
Yes, he is from some alien planet, I think. The invasion of the pod people or something like that.

Forgive: thank you so much for your kind words. It really touched me. I don't feel so strong. I feel like I'm just functioning, but I am getting better. In the beginning I was crawling on my belly and trying to get to my knees. Now I'm on my knees and occasionally can stand for a while before I get knocked off my feet again. But, I seem to be able to start to get up a little faster than before.
Trying to get those ducks in a row, but they seem to be escaping all over the place. I think I'll have to clip their wings or something!

{{{{Miracle}}}}}

I truly understand what you are saying, and I always felt the same way. Dealing with a death, is dealing with the loss of the person only, and retaining good memories and a feeling of still being loved and valued. It hurts like hell and is extremely painful, but you are not dealing with the betrayal, the loss of self esteem, the dishonesty, the feelings of worthlessness. No matter how much we keep telling ourselves logically ,"It's not our fault", we somehow feel it is and have to fight that. We have to fight for our lives, our soul, our sanity and integrity, never mind having to fight for our marriage, life, and family.
Hang in there Miracle.

NJgal: I'm so glad that it seems your WS "gets it". It gives hope to everyone, and you deserve the best!

Lost: I'm sorry that life has put your MC on the back burner, but you don't have to put yourself on the back burner completely. Little things like just stopping and smelling the fresh air after the rain, giving yourself a bubble bath, etc can be small things that mean to nourish yourself.

{{{{Booger}}}} I truly understand how you are feeling. My first xWH did the same thing to me. An exit affair and left me and our 2 boys for the neighborhood slut. Of course they didn't stay together, and he sacrificed everything to escape. He never explained anything to me, never told me why. I know you are hurting, because you feel you didn't even get to have a choice whether to R or D, because he took that choice away. I am very sorry. On the bright side, you don't have to stay in limbo land and can forge ahead. I did what you are doing, I went back to school. Keep plugging along. We're always here if you need to vent.

Thank you everyone. I guess I will probably be in here a lot this week trying to keep the anxiety away. When WH comes home, I'll have to share computer with him.
Took DS15 to IC today. After she saw him, she told me that he told her a very good history of his life, and he seems ok. It's good that he is very verbal and can talk things out. She said if he wants to come to talk, it was ok, but she said he was a great kid.
That was a relief, I was so afraid he was really depressed, I mean clinically so.
When we came home, DS 15 kept saying he didn't want his father to come home. He looked so frustrated and angry, I just took him in my arms and he started crying. I told him I understood. I told him I felt the same way about my father who left. I said, "I loved my father with all my heart and sometimes I felt I hated him. But it was really I hated what he did, I was so hurt and missed him so much. But I really did love him."

DS seem to feel better after that.
Then DS 11's fish that he had since Sept died. He cried like crazy. It was just another loss. I cried too.

I know the world is not supposed to stop because we are in pain. Things still happen. But sometimes it's hard to deal with these little things when there is something big going on.

As UKgirl said, does my WH really think that having a second wife is better than divorce? DS 15 was trying to call his father today and was angrily saying, "he's not answering because he's with them!" It's heartbreaking.

{{{{Tribe}}}}}


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just dipping in quickly. I have my aged parents coming up till after the weekend, so have them to concentrate on and I doubt if I’ll have time to drop by SI.

(((((miracle)))) Oh my, I’m so sorry you are on the downhill drop. However far out we get, there still seem to be bits that we find out or realise and go “ah-ha, here we go AGAIN”. And yes, the business of feeling it would have been better if our WS had died instead of being a WS, that comes down to knowing that death would not have been a choice, whereas being a WS very much is a choice. It’s an ongoing grief and the discoveries keep us in that state. I still get a gut feeling and go in search of something. Sometimes it leads to something, sometimes not. But I guess it reiterates that I will never love my FWH in the complete way I used to. Many hugs to you my friend. And look forward to tomorrow. A little time with friends who understand.

njgal, nice post. What it is to have an about turn completely remorseful spouse. FWH was remorseful and wanted to stay with me – but he kept contact with MOW for about 10wks after dday (although he didn’t meet up with her) and he lied. If only he could have screwed up his courage, kicked MOW straight into the kerb and not minimised and lied to the ridiculous amount that he did (and does). Sheesh.

Massive strength to you honest. I know this is going to be a tough, tough weekend for you. Remember the 180. Think before you react. Try to see things from the outside, you are your own best friend, so take heed of the advice that friend would give. If things are running out of control, take a break, leave the room, count to ten, tell him you are not prepared/ready/able to talk about [whatever] at this moment. Keep to your principles. You can do this. You will be fine.

Okay. I’m running now.

Hugs Tribe.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJGirl: I'm so happy for you. I agree with your analysis of life being one big gray area.

Booger: me too - a few months before DDay my H told me he had been miserable for "years" - I had no idea. I too knew the relationship wasn't great - but in all those "years" he never said anything to me whereas I told him I was overwhelmed, etc. I wasn't happy either, but I accepted my circumstances and was smart enough to know the value of our relationship and stayed committed.
(In my case - we have had little kids throughout our marriage & our marriage has consequently become more about responsiblities and less about fun and enjoyment. We're trying to change that now but we have a lot going against us.)
Anyway...
Honest: my thoughts on why we like to blame ourselves - I think it might have to do with regaining a bit of control back. Like - if it's somehow our fault, we can change what was broken and make everything better again? I don't know if that makes sense. I know that is how I tend to see things because I really dont have a lot of faith in my H being able to make significant changes within himself, so for it to be safe for me to try to R I have to put the responsibility on myself - because I'm a responsible person! Makes me feel less like a victim.

Honest: I forgot that your kids know - that's so hard - to have to support them when you don't have enough for yourself. It's so strange - I haven't even met you yet & I seriously have strong feelings about your H - like I just want to back him into a corner & rip into him for at least a 1/2 hour. (I'm really very good at it - let me know if you need any back up when he arrives... lol.
Seriously - your anxiety is perfectly normal - I think the waiting, however, is worse than reality.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I'll be pulling for you when H returns home on Friday....I'm sending you strength....which you already have....please believe that!

Allgood - My H said the same thing as yours and Booger's. That he had not been happy for years! YEARS!!! 12 YEARS!!! He could have let me know...I wasn't the happiest either, between going back to school, working, teenagers, etc. Life just happens and FWH's can't handle it? So they escape to fantasy land?

I too wished FWH died. I still do. I hope this makes someone laugh but after Dday he went for a physical and his doctor told him his cholesteral was high and wanted to put him on meds. He won't take meds. I started feeding him bacon, and powered donuts every morning. Like that was going to do the trick!!!!

The weird thing is, right after Dday, he begged for his M back...said he never stopped loving me, NC began about 3 weeks later and it's been a rough road ever since.

lost - I'm so sorry you are here with us.

OK tribe, why can't I keep my mouth shut? We were having a fairly uneventful evening and I ruined it. I brought up the fact that I can't put this A behind me until I feel as though I have the truth. And I know I'm not getting the truth. I'm still getting lies, my gut feels it. I can't move on knowing that he is still lieing. For instance...he told me that OW was in Vegas with him. He told me how many days she was there and that she shared the room with him. But he will not admit he invited her. He keeps saying she just showed up and he was mad she "just showed" up. He even told the MC the same story and I asked the MC...would you believe that? So now he's shut down again! OMG, I'm having panic attacks over it.

I hope your g2g is fun. I can't wait to hear all about it.

((((tribe))))


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun- I don't think it's your fault. Unless you are a talented actress, I don't believe you were going to be able to hide the fact that something was bothering you. I personally think its better that you mentioned it.
I dont tell my h every time I'm upset or having doubts, I try to talk myself out of it- by reminding myself of what my h would say if I questioned him (let's face it - a lot of these questions are not new...)
and what I want for my future. If I'm unsuccessful, then I tell him.
You are right - it will "ruin" the evening in their eyes - but they are short term thinkers - whereas we are seeing the bigger picture.
Just yesterday - I was plotting on having a conversation with my H - offering him an amnesty deal like Tryn offered his wife - I decided not to though - because honestly - if he told me a few things - like that he broke nc again or that this was not his first A or that he told ow that he loved her & would miss her & was only going back to me "for the kids" when he "ended it" - I really don't think I would recover. So I am intentionally burying my head in the sand & don't want any more details. I only want to know that he can be happy & committed to me going forward.
Since he's really not happy now - I'm trying not to push him & hope ic does its job.
Anyway - don't beat yourself up please.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:52 AM, April 28th (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just wanted to drop in and say thankyou for all the support...it means more then i can ever say..

i tried to post several times...but could not hit submit...the rambles were a shambles...but i would like to give just a couple of shout outs ..


honest: looking forward to seeing you and allgood tomorrow and did you get your transcript yet...

i know you are dreading friday...my thoughts are with you..


nofun: i can't say i blame you one iota for speaking out..done it so many times myself..the fustration of value of feeling like you don't have it all is through the roof and making good time to the heavens...i understand...


lostsoul: forgiveness is a reach for many of us, have you at least come to acceptance...and i know how much joy you find in the grandkids...hold on to that joy...and try to remember that joy during those moments of fustration....i know it helps me to face my days...my little charge is such a happy kid....he makes me smile when all i want to do is cry...

today is a rough day for me...i am hopin that once this date passes so will my mood....today is my anniversary which shall be renamed "family unity day"...now i think i will have to keep that to myself...i do not know how to explain that to 3 teens...but it is at least a new way to look at it....and i hope in time i will be able to see if for that and that alone without the sadness.....because i would not change anything if it would mean that i couldn't have my kids....they are my world...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.