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User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, April 4th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

glad you made it through today Iwam.

I took full complement of pain meds plus Xanax but I am feeling like s#%t and my brain won't shut off. Celebrity infidelity news had me triggering big time due to having TV on after dinner. between that and movies being discussed that I know have infidelity as part of the story line has me in a state of ongoing anxiety and doubt.

I just want off this roller coaster but FOO issues have me trying to hold it together for my adult children and grandchildren.

Time to re-connect with IC, I suppose... just don't trust myselt to open that Pandora's box with s-i-l's celebration of life (she passed beg. of Feb) still to be planned and dealt with. Kind of puts our situation on the back burner AGAIN.

Church today was an ordeal. I held back tears but the subject of forgiveness is weighing heavily these days. I know, forgiveness is for me, but I'm not there. FnF... I've missed you and appreciate your recent posts.

{{{LTA... posting or lurking - hugs to you}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{Allgood}}}}} I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I fully understand what you are saying. As Miracle said, here in NY, it's hard to be in law enforcement. It's also hard to be the spouse of someone who is in a job that the hours are so crazy (some 24's, day and night shifts etc) and their life can be on the line. (my first xWH was a firefighter)

With my current WH, I was feeling in my GUT that he wasn't telling me the truth, although I couldn't prove it. What is your GUT telling you? Not your fear, but the deep down feeling?

If you feel that he still is contacting OW, then you have to wait until you are calm and talk to him about it. Tell him you will not be angry as Tryn is advising, but tell him out of respect for the years that you have been together he needs to let you know the truth at this point.

Miracle: I'm sorry you have had a hard time with Inlaws in the past. I also feel for you the your WH is still not doing what you need to feel better.

I know that you have said that you don't feel your marriage can be saved because he still hasn't done all he needs to do and that he is a liar, but I get the feeling that since you have decided that you are going to stay with him for the kids for the time being, perhaps there is a way that you guys can work out a new relationship......I mean, since you will still be coparenting and cohabiting, perhaps there is a way that you guys can make life for each other more...compatible or easier?

I hope I'm making sense. I feel that you are still in an awful lot of pain and I wish there was something I could do or say that can help you. You are so optimistic, but I understand that it's hard to do that all the time and one just wants to scream!!
{{{{{{Miracle}}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
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Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning all!
(I do love my coffee, especially when I can drink it while it's still hot!)
Miracle: I do hope YOU are ok. Your last post sounded like you are sad, but brushing it off almost -idk hard to explain. It doesnt sound to me like you are 100% resigned from your relationship with pfm. -Which - is totally understandable - I'm just curious if that's true. I was also curious why pfm didnt spend the holiday with you & the kids - and what do the kids think about that?
Honest: I really am through (at the moment - lol)with explaining things to my h. I've said it so many times that it actually makes me feel like a desperate moron to say it again. I know him. Or, I should say, I've learned a lot about him since D-Day - he is NOT the man I married, sad to say, in some important ways. He will not admit to anything, offer nothing. This too, has a lot to do with the climate of his work environment. In the past, before I knew about his A, he had told me about someone he worked with - that his w accused him of something & he admitted to the affair. Basically the point of the story was how stupid the guy was for admitting to the affair, because wife only knew of something far less significant. (I didnt get the details - I obviously didnt find the story all that funny. I guess my ears should've been perked up after that comment, but I really thought my h was above that kind of stuff.) And, when I found the explicit text between my h & ow on DDay which made it crystal clear what was going on - my H still just stood there, saying he doesnt know what to say. When I started peppering him with questions (I was completely under control & detached surprisingly), he said "I could only imagine what people at work would say". I was like "are you F-n kidding me? This is what you are worried about? He cooperated after that point after I told him, out of respect for me & to help me understand, I needed to know.
Anyway, there's really only so many times you can explain something. Either he really isnt seeing her or he is & will never admit it. If it's the latter, I just hope I find out sooner rather than later.
And, my "gut" - quite frankly, I dont trust it. I am crazy vigilant & suspect EVERYTHING.
I guess the most accurate way to explain what I see is that it doesnt seem like he's that into me? Idk. I do see changes he has made, but sometimes I feel like he has to try, that it's not a natural interest in me. It's hard to explain. It could legitimately be that our relationship was damaged, we grew apart, etc, and on top of everything else, he knows how sad I am & he is otherwise of the opinion that I will never get over it. (He isn't being accusatory when he says this - he just means that he doesnt think that anyone could get over it.) I've asked him if that is the case & he says no.
It really is exhausting & I hope his IC can figure it all out.
Anyway, what's going on with everyone else?
And what are FOO issues? I've been seeing that all over this site & I cant figure it out.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:05 AM, April 5th (Monday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood... FOO is Family of Origin...

My wife and I was talking about our ethics last week... I was always afraid to do anything wrong in school.. I worked hard, never missed school.. afraid of my father getting pissed at me... So I did things so he wouldn't get pissed... Like what I was suppose to do...

My Wife's mom... always allowed her to skip school... do things she should not have been doing... Never "spanked".. etc...

Our FOO lives were totally opposite! She never faced Consequences. I did... Thus, I conclude that this is the reason I work so hard, the reason I had boundaries... and she did not...

And, my "gut" - quite frankly, I dont trust it.
I have thoughts of no trust... but my gut said my W was not contacting OM...

that it's not a natural interest in me. It's hard to explain
and me too... but that feeling is starting to fade...

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:54 AM, April 5th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost soul: i am so sorry that you are having a hard time right now, yes i think ic may be a great idea for you...you have had so much to deal with and i could sense that anger on having to put your relationship issues on hold yet again....it sucks when life gets in the way of your personal life.....especially since the stuff in your personal life is big in of itself...

honest:

I know that you have said that you don't feel your marriage can be saved because he still hasn't done all he needs to do and that he is a liar, but I get the feeling that since you have decided that you are going to stay with him for the kids for the time being, perhaps there is a way that you guys can work out a new relationship......I mean, since you will still be coparenting and cohabiting, perhaps there is a way that you guys can make life for each other more...compatible or easier?

this is exactly what i am working for and the issues that came up yesterday as well as the night before had to do with co-parenting...

it is so fustrating for me, the co-parent relationship even before i knew was a tough one, i always saw so much and he never did...and whenever i would point things out to him they fell on deaf ears and still do most of the time and that is where i get fustrated most especially since this is one of the main reasons i allow this man to stay here in this house...

hope I'm making sense. I feel that you are still in an awful lot of pain and I wish there was something I could do or say that can help you. You are so optimistic, but I understand that it's hard to do that all the time and one just wants to scream!!

you made perfect sense and yes i had one of those days that i just wanted to scream yesterday...i am trying to be optomistic because it beats being negative...but it is a fight some days, there are the days for sure where i still want to roll up in a ball and cry til i die...because no one has ever hurt me like this, no life pain has ever hurt me like this....but alas i refuse to live my life like that, i am worth more then that and there is still a life to be had after my kids...


allgood:

It doesnt sound to me like you are 100% resigned from your relationship with pfm. -Which - is totally understandable - I'm just curious if that's true. I was also curious why pfm didnt spend the holiday with you & the kids - and what do the kids think about that?

i am 100% resigned from the relationship of a true marriage.....its the other parts of the marriage that i am currently having difficulty with as i explained above....

pfm did spend the day with us, he left for about an hour and half to go to church for easter....which was the source of one of our issues yesterday..

i had told him a day or two prior to the holiday that i had no intention of going to church that my faith right now is not what it should be and that i told the kids that they did not have to go...they are all teens...so the asshole wakes up on easter around 9:30ish and decides he is going to church, he claimed months ago that he has refound his faith, meanwhile you can count on one hand the amount of times the man went to church on one hand without using all its fingers...so he has found god again and he proceeds without my knowledge to "tell" my children that they need to be ready for 12:00 mass because he already missed all other masses...not giving them a choice but telling them after i had already informed him that i told them they did not have to go...not cool, and totally disrespectful to me and to my kids....so anyways he went to 12:00 mass alone, and he got out of here late to boot.....and the night before this he and i were trying to have a conversation of what we plan on doing for my dd17 who is graduating, financially....and this conversation never finished properly, it was not resolved and it ended with me fustrated again and me disengaging from a bad sich....

allgood:

Anyway, there's really only so many times you can explain something.

i could relate to this sentence too well... ...and when you find yourself explaining yet again, the fustration value doubles with each time and the blue in the face feeling has you feeling like electric blue...


i know you say you don't trust your gut because you quesiton everything...i know that feeling too, but and its a big but...your gut will start to scream at you, and this i can promise you it will scream at you.....and that is the gut you will learn to follow, that is the gut that told me that there was so much more, that was the gut that led to find as many as i did...and finally i told my gut that i heard and i was done, because my gut still screamed and he denied and denied and denied...and then he came supposedly "clean" again...and that just kept replaying for me and pfm for each and every detail of what he has so far confirmed and he gave new meaning to trickle truth....anyways your gut will scream at you and then you listen....now you personally will question everything because that is a side-affect of this whole thing...nothing is sacred, nothing off limits to the questions, the wonderings and the feelings...


tryn: pfm was raised differently then i, and his conseqences when he did wrong were far worse then mine....he was raised with faith and in a family who tried so hard to "appear" like the perfect family....he was taught "family" first and foremost...but it was only supposed to be his foo, never to include a wife they didn't like...so he was continued to be taught and he was an "a" student in these lessons that his "wife" was not blood and therefore not family, not even when she produced children was she considered "family"....so he had boundaries but was taught that his wife was not someone to come first in his life...therefore this boundary he was taught was not needed...

boundaries....what a word...it has one real meaning yet many different facets...facets that change, so it becomes a word of many meanings

o.k. i think i need to stop now, not much sleep and i think my ramblin is rattlin...


((tribe))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he was taught "family" first and foremost...but it was only supposed to be his foo, never to include a wife they didn't like...so he was continued to be taught and he was an "a" student in these lessons that his "wife" was not blood and therefore not family,

When my middle child was a teen she went through a very rebellious period so I took her to C'ing and I would have private sessions as well to help me to help her. In one of my sessions I kept talking about "my" family. Finally, the C asked me who my family was and I responded, my FOO. Immediately, I stopped myself and realized that I had not emotionally detached from them. It really woke me up and reminded me of the verse (in song and in the bible) that "a man should leave his mother and a woman leave her home."
I couldn't help but think of this with pfm. It sounds like he is still very much emotionally attached to his FOO and hasn't fully accepted that you and his children are his family now - that his FOO is no longer his primary family. If he took the message of "family first and foremost" and applied it to his family with you, I can only imagine how much happier you all could be.
As to the church issue, it's so funny that you said that. My H, who never seemed to care about going to Mass or religion in general, now is the one who asks, "what Mass are we going to?" It's like after d-day he's suddenly found religion. I don't think it's so surprising though. They must realize they are lost and hope that by going back to Church they might find a way back to us and to God. Personally, I think it's a good thing as long as it's genuine. I understand why you were upset but (and this is IMHO) I don't think I'd discourage this in him. There might be a message that touches his heart that will hopefully help him to make the changes you need him to make.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf:

pfm since d-day has actually now detached to the opposite of what he was...his "eye" are open to all they did and all he did for them...i have to say that this is finally a place he needed to be...that being said he still has not talked to them pretty much since pretty close to when all the proverbial shit his fan...but he continues to go to ic for help...

as for the church issue...i would never ever stand in that path....what fustrates me is that he "claims" he has found god and in the year plus since he has gone to mass maybe 3-4 times the entire time, 2 easters included....in the beginning he went to confession as well...and that is pretty much it...there is no excuse for him not to have gone every week if this claim is true....so it is yet another case of his words and his actions do not match...and that is where my fustration will always lie....even though i am detaching i still have issue with people who "claim" things...even when he "claims" he loves me completely, i take issue with it because actions to me are what matters, i heard all the words before...and they mean nothing...the man loved another since before me and i cannot let that go.....words mean nothing to me when they come from people like him...and unfortunately my son (16), manchild has the same issue of words and actions do not match...makes life sometimes quite fustrating in my house...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
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Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I held back tears but the subject of forgiveness is weighing heavily these days. I know, forgiveness is for me, but I'm not there.

(((LS))) I think we put so much pressure on ourselves to forgive especially if we have had a strong religious background but I truly believe that forgiveness, like grief, is a process. It's not something we can force or that can be forced on us. Maybe just wanting to forgive, to let go, is your first step toward forgiveness.
I have seen firsthand what not forgiving can do to a person and I know that was a big motivating factor in feeling that forgiveness was necessary for my healing. I never wanted to live a life of bitterness and I also saw the remorse of my H and felt pity for him. That helped me too. I think it must be much harder to forgive when you are dealing with an unremorseful spouse but when you see one who truly gets the depth of their sins and their regret, it does help to open up your heart. I don't know if your H is able to express his regret and shame or perhaps there is another reason you feel blocked. If you think it would help to share this, please let us know and maybe one of us can help you with this struggle. (((LS)))
FnF... I've missed you and appreciate your recent posts.

Thank you LS. I missed all of you too and am glad to be back.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 8:42 AM, April 5th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf: i actually agree with the idea of forgiveness being a process and i think it has many steps....

acceptance being another
letting go coming next i think hand in hand with the actual thing of forgiveness because i feel that if you are actually able to let it go, all of it piece by piece forgiveness is essentially yours.....

the problem for me is that there are so many damned pieces to let go of....i am getting there on some of them...but i keep losing track of the many left to go.. ..if i am making any sense...

for me it involves letting go of my entire existance with pfm, my existance wow, my existance...i keep saying these 2 words over and over...i never should have existed for him because she was there before me...letting go of so much around my existance and my children...separating them...so difficult...o.k. need to stop now, i got get it together, taking dd17 to one of the colleges this am for a class...time to go back to the world that does exist now and my joy of my kids...

ttyl tribe...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - No words just sending lots and lots of hugs. You're in a bad place right now so let us help you through it. Rant if you need to, cry or scream if you need to. You're in good company and we know what you're going through.
Enjoy this beautiful day with DD. I loved the whole college "shopping" experience. Hopefully the sunshine and this time with your D will help to lift your spirits.
(((Miracle))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle- I was kind of thinking the same thing this am that I need to be happy separate & apart from my husband. For too long, my happiness has been attached to him. In my eyes, I've always been a very independent person, so this was something of a revelation for me - to see how truly attached I am to him.
And, Tryn: you made a good point about how you & your wife were raised so differently. I would say the same thing for me & my H. I lived in a very strict, controlled, almost stifling environment & my H could basically do whatever he wanted. So, that's great to understand it - but- unless he starts to see these things himself, he's not going to change & I'm never going to get over it. (Never, say never lol)


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting dicussion about being raised differently. My W was raised in a more strict environment than I was. The strict environment sometimes does not allow a person to develop certain skills about life. In someone like tryn, he learned the lesson of behaving in a responsible way. On the other hand my W did not learn some parts of the lesson. Some of her problems stem from SAB issues, so it is hard to say that strict vs easy upbringing is the only thing involved in her case.

My W is a hard worker and a perfectionist. Nobody expects more from her than she does. She hates to make mistakes. Even little mistakes bother her way more than anyone else. She does not expect as much from others, just herself. Can you imaging the collision in her mind the day that the fog parted and the perfectionist in her met the screwup that was having the As? That had to be a major crash. No wonder she did not want to live. I always did believe that people can compartmentalize things in their minds. My experience with my W in all this is strong re-enforcement about this. A extreme example is the multiple personalities in someone like Sally Field played in the movie about this condition.

njgal.

Thanks for the thoughts. Yes I do study about these issues. I had a minor in psy and do like to read about all aspects of psy. If you missed this info in one of my previous post, check out a site called bpdfamily. A very good source about bpd.

What you say about trying to figure out how to please your mother is so much involved in dealing with a bpd. In dealing with my W, the battle of the sexes would get in the way. A common topic of discussion among most men is how to please you gals. We sometimes have a hard time figuring this out. ( I know...we are also a mystery to you ) I thought for several years that much of her behavior was just normal female behavior. I'm sure much of it was. It is hard to tell when "normal extreme" ends and abnormal begins. As far as getting her to IC, this perfectionist stuff gets in the way. I am working on it.

Allgood.

Never say never. That is what I try to do. These gut feels are hard to shake. You feel that he is having to try, and not just being interested in you in a natural way. I'm not saying you are wrong, but remember, right now you are pretty paranoid about anything he does. ( and rightfully so )
He is probably very self-concious and paranoid about how you view all his actions. A person in his position probably is thinking like we all do when we look in the mirror and see a cop car. It puts you on alert.

miracle.

Yes you did make sense. I hope that you are feeling better today.

I'm kind of hurt. You did not comment about the new word I made up Friday. It is O.K. if you did not like it. I'm not sure it was that good. Make up a new one if you feel the need, but please let me know one way or the other. The suspense is killing me.

Tribe. This is going to be a sucky week to watch T.V. and sports. Tiger is going to be everywhere. I'm glad I do not play or watch golf.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This pic is for booger bear

Sometimes, you just gotta jump on the train... leave the teddy bear behind... without fear and never look back....

I call this... This Train is Leaving the Station


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle...
my existence
How old are you again? 39? Is this the same as living the past? You gotta have something good in there…

I think about the joy of me being home coaching those early evenings while my W was out F'ing at work... Yep... That was my existence. I would not give up one minute of that... I had more fun coaching my kids then some ole romantic afternoon on the leather couch in the office. OM let some other dad coach his son while he was doing my W... I cannot change what they did... I wonder how fulfilling that is to both of them today?? (I wonder why I can say that today without much hurt'n?)

Anyway... We laughed this weekend at some of the things that happened during those coaching times. I might not have done it if I was D or not M… I might have been chase’n da ladies… lol…. My W and DD left yesterday to spend a week in FL for break. I can remember only one other long trip they took together.. I’m happy for them... my existence.. I think for years I played more with the kids then she did... She told me last week it's as if she just woke up from this great big fog and wonders what the hell is she doing... away from her family...I said, we've been here for 21 years!! And your family is here…

I think you live it right now... Your existence was to experience this infidelity for some reason... maybe it was so you could keep someone from killing themselves over infidelity.. maybe it was to turn you H into a good person.. or this might prevent your kids from doing the same as your H… who the heck knows..

Just wondering about this... As you continue to live in the house, do you think your kids see you unhappy? Are you teaching them to live this way… married but living a single lifestyle? I was reading somewhere around here where the poster said something about her mother being miserable but stayed married… and she hated that… Have you thought about that?

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:19 PM, April 5th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i would like to wish lost heart2 a very happy birthday...lh2 i hope you are having an amzaing day...


dip: i almost suffered from prematurepostualtion myself...not something i ever thought i could perform...but my dd17 was hurrying me off the pc i like, now i have to use pfm's laptop...i hate this thing i make so many spelling booboos...

i do love the word...


tryn: 39 happened for me 10 years ago.... ...boy does time fly....


my existance....is much more then this damned experience...i just feel so out of place sometimes...all i believed about who i was to this man is shaterred, and with it my dreams were shattered and part of who i was was destroyed...and now i need to remake ME...daunting a task at 49...but doable, possible and a def task i will do...i am determined to make a new life for me personally...it hurts though that i can't incorporate all aspects of my impending life together...pfm destroyed that for quite awhile...


I was reading somewhere around here where the poster said something about her mother being miserable but stayed married… and she hated that… Have you thought about that?

i have thought about this one and still stand by decision and choice...what my kids see is a family where the parents do nnot argue as much as they used to, they see family dinners where the dad is now present and accounted for, they see family vacations, which they never really had before, they see a dad that is finally tuned into who they are, my dd17 though sees a man who fell from grace, she sees a man she doesnt want to talk to, or have anything to do with...and this part saddens me...and if pfm wer to actually leave this house that relationship will more then likely never be repaired....

my kids actually have it better then they did before...their dad no longer verbally or emotionally abuses them or their mom...they see pfms foo for who they are, i used to wear a mask for them, so that they never knew how evil those people were...now i wear a diff mask...my dd17 sees through the new mask now and then, but my boys see nothing.....

all of my kids are too wrapped up in their lives to see the pain in my eyes, and they are also not looking for it...my dd17 is the ony one who knows tht i may not be happy with her dad, but all she sees is that mom is always pushing for the relationship between her and her dad, which irritates her...

tryn: i am still quite confident in my decision and choice to stay in this marriage for my kids...we are still looking for someone really good for family therapy, and i hope with that we will grow as a family bbecause nomatter what happens between pfm and i we will still always be a family and as long as though children breathe that will never change...


i love boogers pic...i think she will too..


pfm since d-day has actually now detached to the opposite of what he was...his "eye" are open to all they did and all he did for them...i have to say that this is finally a place he needed to be...that being said he still has not talked to them pretty much since pretty close to when all the proverbial shit his fan...but he continues to go to ic for help...

i realized when ireread this that i never included that i was talking about pfm's foo..sorry

fnf thanks for the hugs, next to my kids and my "close" personal friends these have become one of my favorite kind of hugs,....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.

I guess prematurepostulation can happen to any of us. I have viewed it as more of a man problem. I don't know where I get some of these wacky ideas.

49? Wow, that is so young. I have to amend my description again. She is the "hot young flat tummy powerwalking babe!"

tryn.

Great pic for booger. It looks like you are doing good otherwise too. I know to say what you said about your and her behavior without too much pain is some positive progress. A good example for everyone. If you were D or not M, I doubt you would be "chase'n da ladies." I bet it would be the ladies chase'n da tryn.

lh2. Happy birtday to YOU!

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH2 - Happy, happy birthday. Drop in and say hi if you get the chance. I hope you were able to do something special for yourself.
Miracle - where did you find LH2's b'day listed. I'm so glad you posted that. She is one of my favorite LTA friends and I'm so glad you let us know.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf:

her birthday is not listed...i have an in with a birdie every now and again...

and she is def one of my favorite people too...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood: I understand what you mean about not trusting your gut. Sometimes when we are on the rollercoater, we don't know where it is (pun intended for RL )

It is also easy to confuse our heart and mind with our gut feeling. Our hearts are so hurt and broken, our minds are going in circles. But deep down, really deep down, there is a feeling that you KNOW.....But I do realize that there are times when everything else drowns it out. I guess you have to be patient and wait for it to tell you.
Ironically, the feeling you have when you said that your husband doesn't seem "that into you" is your gut speaking. NOW is the time for the IC or MC to help you interpret that. It is possible that your WH is feeling depressed too about all that has happened, and feeling badly about hurting you. It may not be that he is "not that into you", but he is avoiding seeing you in pain because it makes him feel bad. Just a thought.

Miracle: Ah, parenting issues. It's one of the hardest things that people have to agree on. Since you will be with pfm for a while, perhaps you can sit with him and talk to him about what you guys will do if you don't really agree on an issue. You know, things like presenting an united front before the kids and then later discussing it?
From what you have said, he has not really been as involved all these years as he should have been and now wants to be involved. Since this is a change for everybody involved, this is an area you guys need to discuss more thoroughly.

As for pfm suddenly going back to church, this can be a good thing. But since he has not been keeping up with it all these years, this may be something he needs to discuss with the kids about whether or not they will join him going to Mass. This should be decided the night before with them.

If you don't mind me suggesting (I am Catholic too), perhaps you may want to try to go back without pfm. Sometimes the old rituals of the mass can be surprisingly soothing. I haven't gone for years, and went at the suggestion of a friend, and I did feel better.

*******I am not trying to be religious here!!! I'm just trying to make a suggestion that might make you feel better!!! ********

Just take it for the intent of helping


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, April 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryin: I agree that boundary issues has a lot to do with FOO issues and also with maturity issues about consequences. I always felt that if a person didn't do the wrong thing because of a fear of punishment (or consequences) was an immature attitude (thus a lot of WS's who felt they were never going to get caught)
A mature response would be not to do the wrong thing simply BECAUSE it is WRONG whether or not anyone would ever know. I would know I did the wrong thing and that is enough. It doesn't matter whether or not I would get punished (although, I would be punishing myself enough inside......)

Forgive: I agree with Miracle that forgiveness is a process and not something that can be rushed or forced. I agree with you that there is so much pressure to forgive and it is a good goal to strive for, but it cannot happen overnight. It can take years to be able to reach that point and NOT because one is holding a grudge. There is a lot of grieving that the hurt party must go through. Then some understanding about the actions, until we do get to a point that usually the person didn't do it on purpose to hurt us, not intentionally, but they were being selfish.

I finally forgave two people who hurt me very deeply in my life and one was my first xWH (over 22 years ago he left) It doesn't mean I will forget, nor do I hold a grudge, and it still hurts, but not as intensely as it did all those years ago. In the long run, it is best for US, the betrayed to eventually over the years to come to a point of forgiveness so we can let go. But it can't be rushed.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
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