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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

always-hope... Thank you for sharing your story. It just seems to me, your H does not know what a healthy relationship is about...

After years of being M, we all seem to fall into a trap of treating our spouses worse then we treat Strangers... How will he ever get to the point where will care about your feelings? You don't feel safe in this relationship. He can help by not talking to OW... No threats... on and on... But is he willing to change his behavior? So you file to protect yourself and work toward your own happiness.... You did it for a reason... yes?

Life is so tough for you today.... what can you do to pull yourself out?

I so wish you peace...


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
always-hope
♀ Member
Member # 27814
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle

and hon he didn't really reject you...it really has nothing to do with you

I've read this, I know this, I keep hearing this, but the pain & realization that our 23 yr marriage may be ending is hard to accept some days.

Thanks for your reply, your words give me strength. I'm feeling better today.


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
always-hope
♀ Member
Member # 27814
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trynhard

After years of being M, we all seem to fall into a trap of treating our spouses worse then we treat Strangers...

So true, WH & I both did that, I own my part of it. I just want him to own the EA(s)-100% & his part of the bad treatment. I tell him I used to feel I was special to him & all I ask is to be treated a notch (or a few) above his female friends.

WH says that I am special to him. Then why won't he write the NC letter & shore up the boundries between himself & other female friends? (transparency, honesty & openness also) I hope IC will show him the way to do these things & why they are vital to true R.

Thanks for your reply, it helps, I am better today.


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3: it is great to hear from you...are you ok drinking on your meds?...i think you are not taking as good of care of yourself as you are that new baby...please take care of yourself, you need to be healthy for your kids at the very least...

the infidelitiy diet is so the wrong way to go, but it is one of the good side effects when you do want to lose..btdt...

it is wonderful that your little girl is a joy...i always love when mommies find joy in their babies...sadly not all mommies do...

i think it is also wonderful that your husband has also been doing all the right things...it does make it easier if r is the way you want to go...

always:

I know this, I keep hearing this, but the pain & realization that our 23 yr marriage may be ending is hard to accept some days.

it is so easy to say the words and quite another to accept them, and yet even another to believe them...you feel like you know who he could be and how it could be, and even how it should have been...but and its a big BUT...it is simply NOT...i know the feeling that after so much time, i am coming up on 21 years married and with this man for close to 24 years...its a really long time...but what would be worse would be spending even more precious time wasted with someone who isn't who he should be, or could be or "is"...we have wasted enough time, don't you think...and believe me i know it is so much easier said then done...but once it is done, you could move on ...none of us wants to stay in this frame of pain..it sucks...so take it one day at a time and ask yourself what you can do today, this minute to take yourself out of the frame of pain.....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - mini-vent along the lines of: is it possible that my h could really love me with all his heart & just be this stupid?
I swear, I really don't know.
This is just a small example, but it bugs me nonetheless:
A few days ago, I wrote my h a note as he was not going to be around very much due to work. The note started by noting my appreciation for some of the things he did this week which to me showed that he was putting family first. (I didnt word it like that - I was far more tactful).
Then, I proceeded to apologize again for my drunken rant the other night, explaining that I'm still jealous that he had "those kind of feelings" for someone else & that it's hard to get out of my head as I'm still struggling to understand how those feelings for ow could disappear just because I caught him. I then proceeded to tell him that I hope one day I will be everything to him again & that I will let it happen & not let my fear get in the way. I closed by saying that I love him & will miss spending time with him over the next few days.
So...
He doesn't mention the note at all. So here it is 2 days later & I ask "Did you get the note". He replies yes, it was nice.
I was just feeling like - is that it? Couldn't he volunteer that he got the note & it made him happy or something. And, hey - wouldn't it have been great to respond to the other things that were said in the letter - like there's no reason for me to be jealous, I'm already everything to him, etc.
So, I decided to call & tell him, look, I'm upset that you didn't acknowledge the note - it's clear to me that you don't realize this kind of thing makes me upset so I'm letting you know. He was bewildered. Said he thought it was a nice note, so no need to respond.
What about the part about me feeling like the runner up at a pageant? He still doesnt say anything about it.
Any thoughts?

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 11:06 AM, April 2nd (Friday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: what would the pre-a husband respond?..was he stupid about this kind of stuff before?..


it is certainly possible to be that stupid...and there are many who are unfortunately....and you need to remember he was stupid enough to have the a in the first place...some men, sometimes just don't think about the after part, or consequences until its in their face..and even then they may not think...so i am thinkin you might already know this answer


and i know what you're looking for though, being that he was monumentally stupid to have the a in the first place you would think that he would be on his toes all the time now to make sure he gets it right...that he would think things through and and most importantly consider how you would feel in any and every given sich and respond in a way that he knows would make you happy..

am i close?


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, Miracle - you get it.
Pre-A would he have gotten it? I dont know because pre-A none of this would've happened. I wouldn't have written him a note & if I had reached out & he failed to respond, I wouldn't have called him out on it - I would've just been mad & kept it to myself.
Generally speaking, tho, he's never been one to be very sensitive or supportive. (Tho I will tell you that when we were dating - and we dated for a long time before we married- he would write me very nice cards -for occasions only- but, still - they showed an ability to think about things in less than a superficial manner & a willingness to share that with me.)
Ya - I guess I'm looking for us both to correct mistakes we've made in communicating with each other in the past. For me, I no longer expect him to know what I need or want unless I tell him. For him - I want him to talk to me about how he feels - that's just not happening & I'm getting sick of begging for it.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe.

Thank you for the kind words, advice and the comments about me having to deal with my W's dying relative. This person is 85+ has had a long term and progressive illness. It took a major bad turn a few days ago. There is some suffering now so when it comes, death will be a blessing. All death is hard to deal with. One like this is just not as hard. This family is expecting a new baby within a month, so in the natural order of things, a new life will be given the job of filling the space left by the deceased.

allgood.

Thanks. Some people do think I am crazy. I say they are nuts. Drinking and disussing the A with a WS is not recommended. However, I believe it is done quite often.

You H probably did not want to acknowledge your note because of the cheaters manual. It clearly says that all WSs should never initate any talk about the A. They must have all taken a oath or something.

fnf.

My W was diagnosed in 1989. This was during here short time of IC. She did not disclose much about her IC. She does not know I have knowledge about the bpd. I was being advised by a woman who was my Ws best friend and a woman who was like a sister to me. This woman never told me anything that my W said about this whole situation. She would confirm things that my W had told me. She also would not disclose any of our conversations. However, one day when we were discussing if I should stay or go and how serious my Ws sucicide threats were, she disclosed the bpd diaganosis. She had me promise to never disclose this betrayal of trust to my W. She just thought that this bit of info was important for me to have while making these decisions. I do not break promises. If I ever directly mention bpd my W will know who ratted her out.

My W has occasionally mentioned that she felt like she has a problem. I have used these times to talk about IC. That is always met with a change of subject.

So many of these disorders have much common ground. Your Hs lack of empathy does compare to some bpds. My W does have quite a bit of empathy most of the time. Not as much as I do. I do know that these actions are part of her disease and not anything to do with me, but like knowing the A has nothing to do with the BS, it is hard to always remember this fact.

lostsuol.

Good list. #16 should also say that the BS may not be of rational and sound mind either. At least it should say that in my case.

honest.

You really do write good stuff. Very helpful.
I'm sorry that you have that much knowledge about bpd, but it was very nice to read your thought about this matter. I have read parts of walking on eggshells. Good book. A website that was recommended by someone at SI is BPDFamily. It is first class, top of the line, like SI is.

UKgirl.

I do understand this could be typical female ( and male ) behavior. However her reactions are not always typical. I can say that when you combine the dark side of bpd with PMS ( sorry ladies) strange and scary things can happen.

m3.

Thanks for the baby update. It is great to hear that the girl is in good shape and that she is SO sweet! Take care of yourself, please...

tryn.

Thanks.

always-hope.

Here is a late welcome to the LTA house. It is a nice place to visit. I noticed that you said you feel better today. This house will do that for you.

miracle.

always-hope fits right in. She made up a new word. I can't remember right now but it had something to do with shopping.

Tryns comment about your power walking made me think that I need to update my description of you. You are now the "hot flat tummy powerwalking babe." I don't know why I did not think of this before now. I may be getting senile, but I prefer to blame it on the spring weather.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood:

For him - I want him to talk to me about how he feels - that's just not happening & I'm getting sick of begging for it.

try telling him this in writing...and let him know that it is a need for you not a want but a need....


dip:

You are now the "hot flat tummy powerwalking babe."

love this...

You H probably did not want to acknowledge your note because of the cheaters manual. It clearly says that all WSs should never initate any talk about the A. They must have all taken a oath or something.

i think you are on to soemthing here...

always-hope fits right in. She made up a new word. I can't remember right now but it had something to do with shopping

its funny that you said this...when i read it i thought of you... ...we do like making up new words, don't we...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.

You thought of me? I am truly touched.

I only remember one of our made up words. Since you do not have many responsibilities and have plenty of extra time, I think you need to go reread all those posts so you can tell me what those words are. I would do it but I would forget what I was doing or fall asleep.

Did we make up a new word for our "making up a new word" disease? I can't remember that either. I must be applying the lessons in WS cheaters manual about memory, to my memory

Makingupanewworditis is kind of lame. Cognativecodependentmakingupnewwordscontition is better, but I think you need to work on this. You are also the queen of making up new words so have at it.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip....
my mother is a Borderline personality. I did not find this out until about 5 yrs ago. And it really was a revelation....all those years thinking that maybe I was the one who was crazy and that maybe there was something that I could have done differently to please her... after reading books and articles about the personality disorder...I now understand what was going on all along...
If you can... read up on BPD... it may help you.
And as for confronting your wife about this diagnosis... I first heard about this from my own IC...who pointed out to me the possibility that this could be my mother's problem...
as far as your wife knows... you could come to this understanding of the problem on your own and not through her friend...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, April 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where is everyone today? Spring fever, perhaps?
It's a gorgeous day here in New York & I'm going out for the day with the kids. I'm going to think glass 1/2 full this weekend.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, April 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes allgood it is a great day here in ny...i actually took a nice walk in the fresh air earlier..

and what a great perspective to take with you for the day...so yay...

i will be around today, in and out, not tomorrow though, at least not until sometime in the evening, spending easter with super close freinds..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, April 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-

that was a very thoughtful and sincere note you wrote to your WH. I know you're dissapointed by his (lack of) response. My WH responded in a similar fashion to my heartfelt efforts much of last year. Turns out he had broken NC and resumed his EA/PA.

It got to the point that I assumed he wanted a D. The one thing he was clear about is that he did not want a D. Otherwise he was pretty foggy.

Fast forward to today and things are better. I've learned that he has a very hard time with heart to heart talks. I would love to be able to tell him how I'm really feeling and have him help heal me. But when I do that he just ends up feeling badly about himself, and that makes the OW all the more attractive. I wonder if your WH is like mine? Maybe he can't quite face what he's done to you, his M, his family.

[This message edited by twokids at 8:15 PM, April 3rd (Saturday)]


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, April 4th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Easter everyone!
Haven't seen my h since 6am yesterday and only sparingly in the 3 days before that due to work.
It's a bummer that the whole family wasnt here this morning, especially since this is our daughter's first time looking for eggs. It was really cute.
I started posting in the law enforcement thread - I never mentioned that here, but as I've had so many days alone to think, I think it's highly relevant to why I'm unable to shake the feeling that something is still going on.
Other than my husband's use of his cell phone & our home phone at home - everything else happened while I thought he was at work. Before work, after work, took the day off & pretended to go to work.
Same thing when I found he broke nc - ow gets him a phone & he never brings it home - keeps it at work, can charge it at work.
Clearly, the nature of my husband's job is such that he was able to keep this a secret for a very long time.
I just feel powerless and, since I cant say my h is doing everything else right... no wonder I'm tortured.
I've really hit a low recently, Fri night I didnt even want to come home & was trying to think of ways to avoid spending Easter with my h's family. I snapped out of that part of it, but I'm just not happy & it affects everything.
Having said that, my h worked overnight last night, which he recognized was going to set me off before I told him. Called to ask if I'm ok or if I'm getting mad. So, this is a good sign. (He happened to miss me being unbelievably pissed off prior to that - but, still.) He called me througout the day til 11pm, told me he loved me,etc.
I don't know.
He missed ic last week, maybe something will happen when he goes this week that will make me feel better.
Hope everyone else is having a better day.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, April 4th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone… I think your letter was good. As Dip says.. Your H is like all our spouses that have committed a huge error in there life, the feeling they have are so broken, they don’t know how to react. Only with some outside help, they will know what they can do…

Allgood, I think with all LTA, we all had similar situations. I traveled every week; it would have been easy for anyone to cheat on me. Yes, I felt like a fool… but in time you will come to realize that you cannot control what other people do.. you cannot control other peoples bad choices. It was not your bad choice. You did not force him to seek another relationship. He made that decision because of his own selfishness and greed. He broke a commitment to God, to you, to your kids all for some hidden relationship… some sex… ego boost… or whatever. I’m glad you shared your H is in law enforcement. It is amazing to me that he would be willing to step in front of a bullet, risk his own death, to save some strangers family from all the same kind of mental pain and hurt he has inflicted on you. I bet he never thought about that?

If your H decides to continue his hidden relationship, then nothing you can do to stop it. I’ll tell you what works… You can only control what you do. You need to keep communicating to your H so YOU can get some peace again… Keep writing those letters! 1) Start with a prayer, 2) something good about your relationship, about him… 3) move to it to the subject you are having a problem (Be Careful not to accuse… ) 4) tell him your feelings only…(replace “think” with feel.. if “think” make sense, then it is not your feelings) 5) end with how much you love.. Have you watched Fireproof? Easter is a great day to see it… Do not be afraid of this movie… It will touch his heart!!!

You fear he continues to contact OW?? You don’t know? First, trust that God will let you know.. he will! You have something now he cannot take from you that will help you know. You now have something that will protect you … You know what he is capable of doing. Just stay aware… and let him know with your feelings when he crosses a boundary. It is going to be much harder for him to cheat from now on…

So communicate in a very loving way to your H that, if he needs a second relationship, please, with courage and strength, tell you! Ask him not be afraid. Asked him if he feels like he will be afraid to tell you. Tell him it will be alright! Tell him you can handle whatever comes your way… Tell him? Please, out of human dignity, not to hide his true self… it is unhealthy and you don’t want to stand in the way of his own happiness… but please, asked him to think about both of your own happiness.. If he cannot re-commit to only you, it will be ok. But there is no use in hiding anything anymore… Tell him that you will only be in a healthy relationships.. (your boundary) Tell him that it’s a miracle that you are trying to forgive him and giving him a second chance. I think I’ve reminded my wife a dozen or so times this past 18 months… Then, you have done everything you can… You can ask him to be honest. That is your only power! You know you have a power to hurt him in huge ways… He never told you about is A because the Grief he would experience losing his marriage! if he makes a choice to cheat, this is out of your control… and you know you’ll find a healthy relationship with someone else… All this is for you own peace of mind and happiness….

I think after you get caught in an A, If you have any compassion in you, you are going to change… If not, then be happy you gave him every chance to be a good man.

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:53 AM, April 4th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, April 4th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all make mistakes in life… Can you see that mistake and change? Can you be a better person to make a better world? Yes I can…

It is never easy to forgive infidelity. Maybe today is about that?

I wish everyone a very Happy Easter!

Peace


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, April 4th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Tryn - I needed to hear from someone today before I head out to the in-laws.
Right from the very beginning & periodically since then, I've begged (calmly) him to just tell me if he's conflicted & not sure who he wants, etc. He stands firm that he's not trying to decide between us & he hasn't contacted her.
So, I've put that out there. Told him , quite convincingly, that I would rather know than get ambushed. Problem is, he's a liar. Had this same conversation on anumber of occasions after DDay & I received the same assurance from him while he was still talking (at the very least) to ow. That's hard to forget.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, April 4th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

happy easter to all, and happy passover too...

allgood: my ws also has a job where i thought he was at work and he would see his ow before, during and after from both jobs....it was very easy for him, and the fact that i never questioned for the most part made it even easier...

i thankfully do not have to deal with any inlaws anymore if i do not want to,...they have all showed their color to me a long time ago, its been a horrible road for me on that count...and they do not even know of my ws's extra-curriculars...they are just bad people..and just prior to d-day i had had enough of them and was done...its so ironic because that was how i found out, i went into his email, he left it on which he never did and i never ever looked before whenever he might have...but this time i wanted to see if he heard from his family...and i found an email with the subject line "are you o.k.?" that was it and that told me that this was no regular email, because my ws is a selfish bastard...not even when i got into a car accident did he ever ask me those words..but he did ask the one he loved if she was o.k....sorry i am ramblin again

been a slight aggravating day already...not happy with pfm once again, its sometimes so damned fustrating when he ignores what i tell him, and then he claims he loves me...his words and actions needeless to say still do not match...anyways he did go to church by himself..the man claimed he found god again, i think its a crock of shit...he only seems to find god periodically..but it does give me a small break without him so that is a yay...

leaving shortly for our friends house...looking forward to it, i think i better take a xanax though i am starting to feel that low coming...damn i hate days like this....

i am sure i will be back later when we come home...

i have my kids, i love my kids and today i will have my friends kids too....lots of lovin there...need to focus on that...

and allgood: law enforcement is really tough...especially here in ny...they are a diff breed of person, my inlaws are cops, bil and fil...fil retired though, but the mentality stays...and so does the mentality of being raised that way...that would be my ws....

tryn gave you some good advice...

((((tribe)))))

may everyone have the peace you all so deserve today and everyday...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, April 4th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the day is done...god bless xanax....and i am on course again....(i think )


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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