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User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, March 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: thanks for the picture. Sad tho :/
Miracle: i see your point with my h - he has made some changes, but I agree, if I was about to lose a spouse, I wouldnt work a double shift so I could spend an entire day & night with friends. He left at 10:45 am (planned to leave at 10, but since I knew he'd be awol all day, I insisted I get a mani-pedi before he went - yay me!) for a 1pm game which ended at 4:30 & he's still not home. (The venue is down the block practically - but there's more beer & food from the pre-game tailgating, so I guess he's not leaving til its gone). And, meanwhile, he had asked me yesterday if I wanted to go out tonight - babysitter's not available as it turns out, but he knows there's nothing here to eat for dinner & not only am I disappointed that we're not going out, but now he's just going to leave me alone too?
This is going to be easier than I thought because he is just pushing me over the edge. (O - and btw he asks me why I have an "attitude" when we spoke on the phone).


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, March 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwantamiracle: thank you so much for your thoughful post. I was doing so well for a well, but had dday#2 just 2 weeks ago, and more TT on the phone 2 days ago, so I'm on the down side of the roller coaster right now. I guess I'm coming to terms with the reality of it all.
Before dday #2, I had a slender thread of hope, and now that has been severed and replaced with my worst fear: he doesn't and hasn't loved me in a long time and he is choosing her over me. The reasons he's giving are piss poor, I know I am more than what's between my legs!!
It's just him saying over and over to me that he loves me and I'm a part of him, and yet he turns around and says he will not divorce her and I have to accept that he has another wife and I have half a husband. In addition, he might be looking for wife #3 here in the US we don't make love enough.(I guess religiously) but I guess she's enough over there since he's not looking for another there (Or so he says).
Believe it or not, he says to me that I had 7 months to get the operation (which is not a medical necessity, so it would be considered "cosmetic" and therefore paid out of pocket)I said what difference would that make and he says that it would show I cared. and it would prevent him from looking for OW #3!!

Allgood: I'm sorry to hear about your WH going out like that. It sounds so much like my xWH. He was on so many "bar leagues" for softball it was ridiculous. Play softball and stop off at the bar for a few drinks with the guys and of course coming home at the wee hours of the morning drunk. I was home with the kids, what else?
Ironically, I was always afraid to put my foot down because he would call my bluff and I knew I would have to impose the consequences. As it turned out, I never did, and he was the one who cheated and left.

Booger: LOL, my xWH used to make fun of me using analogies all the time. I always use it. Perhaps it's the poet inside us trying to break free!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, March 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

booger: i posted to your thread in d&s....

I am dork ... wish I could just say what I wanna say without all those analogies ... oh well ... hope it makes sense ... if not hope it makes you laugh at least ...

NO you are not a dork.....i understand analogies too well...and i write quite a few.. .....and i always wonder if i make sense too, sometimes its a yes sometimes its a no...doesn't shut me up though.. ...and yes you make me laugh all the time, i love your sense of humor, so i look forward to your posts, and i love that i never know what you will say next...and most of time your posts are full of humor and are quite uplifting...now pat yourself on the back....


allgood: i too have a ws who was always never home, his second job is softball...he is the guy that runs the show, plus he umpires...always gave him the perfect cover...still does....when i first found out some of the stuff i told him i would never ask him to give it up because i didn't want him to resent me for it...and on the other side of the coin, if we didn't make it work money would be tight and this second job brings in alot of money....then 6 months or so later he offered to give it all up, i told him no, because at that point i had already decided that i would eventually seek a d, so money would be needed....giving it up at that point was futile....

it is so sad to me that after all this time my ws (pfm) has actually changed so much....so much of what i begged for for years and years....but sadly it is too late, not to mention the one thing that really needed to change never did, i still believe him to be a liar....and that is something i will never ever compromise on, i deserve someone who will be honest with me...we all do...

allgood: your husband does not want to give up his life and right now from the sound of it he has no intention of doing so...he also sounds like he never grew up and its more important to him to be a part of "his" cronies....

i suggest you think long and hard about the life you are leading, because it does not look like it will change...and be careful what you demand from him, if he refuses then what will you do, because from the tone of your posts i do not think this man will change, he does not want to do so...and he would need to do so, and he would need to want to change....doing it just for you really won't work, because then his heart is not in it....i think you need to line up your ducks and prepare yourself for all and any outcomes....and i am so sorry for your pain in all this, you so do not deserve this...

honest: your ws is not a nice man, he is looking for #3 and probably already has her...and i would not be surprised if there is a #4 overseas....he is a serial cheater and he cannot commit to any one woman now or ever....you too need to line up your ducks, and yours need to be lined up yesterday....in the meantime it is time for you to have your own separate life, you need a passion or some direction...kids do not count....find something for you, whether it be school, a class in pottery, dancing, anything...find something that takes you out of the house and into the world, even if it is just walking in the mornings/evenings...it is something, and you would be so surprised how it could empower you....i sense that you need empowerment and you needed it years ago.....he has usurped everything from you, to talk to you the way he does he just disgraceful and frankly childlike...kind of like "you don't do what i want then i am gonna do this, that and the other thing...so there"...and of course its all your fault....hon, he is playing you like a well worn fiddle.....at the very least start tuning him out, completely disengage from him, he is so toxic to you......and you are so much better then he is, you are a good person while he is so not.....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
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Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - what made you give up on your H? And, how long ago was it? I'm just curious since you say he's made a lot of changes. The liar part tho - that's a biggie. Why do you think he's still a liar?
I've also been wanting to ask you how it is that you are able to stay in this situation - it seems like you still live together, but you are not reconciled with your h - so you have no one special in your life (other than your kids)? If so, that sounds just so difficult - yet you sound at peace with it.
I think that is why I put up with so much crap from my h because what alternative do I really have at this point? If I can barely find a babysitter to watch my kids 1x a month so I can go out with my h - how could I find a sitter so I could go out and find Mr. Right? And, at my age, I dont even have single friends to go out with and my gym friends are a lot younger than me. (BTW - the issue with the sitter is that my 1 y.o. is tough as Hell & she only lets 3 people besides my h & I watch her. And while I realize that she shouldnt make these decisions - the reality of the situation is that her temperment is well known to everyone & no one else is willing to watch her.)
Really, it's not just that - I do want to stay with my H. The thought that if we broke up he could readily move on while I couldn't does pop up a lot in my thoughts tho. (Maybe just a jealousy thing)
Anyway - as a follow up - he came home last night at 7 & I said I had to go out & left for an hour only to come back & find him asleep on the couch & my daughter freaking out screaming with crap in her diaper.
I said nothing. This morning he's all chipper & says let's try to find a sitter for tonight. Nice follow up I thought, but I was already too annoyed, so we argued a bit & I told him not to get the sitter. (Putting a few drinks in me while I'm angry does not usually make for a good time...) Just nothing is easy anymore. I know I have what it takes to work this out, but I do not believe he does - a matter we will have to discuss when he gets home from work later.
I really need to get off of SI & go make my kids' Easter baskets.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest... From all you describe, your H is also a controlling person. He gave you an ultimatum to risk your life to do some crazy idiotic surgery! He controlled you by making you believe he was something different during your M! His culture, his history, his experiences in life may be too much to change. Do you want happiness? Go get it! The timeline is in your hands. Comparing my situation… Your H is nothing like what my wife has done… My wife gave me the deepest, most sincere apologies (3 times); she has tried to make me feel better by doing about anything I ask, my W took my physical and verbal abuse during a horrible angry phase, she held her own boundaries and still forgave me for what I did! She went to IC, MC and to Retrouvaille and most all the follow-up sessions. She has endured the embarrassment of almost all our friends discovering her infidelity, some cannot forgive my W and they stay away from us. My daughter flat out told her mother she hated her… She changed to be most transparent to me… And after all that, I still cry, I still hurt, I still have not fully accepted it and have not let true happiness enter my heart. … and I am now nearing 19 months past dday. But at times.. I do have happiness… It is coming back.

Today, I just cannot see how true happiness could survive if the person that committed adultery in your relations does not change there behavior. Even with a change, true happiness may not be achieved if you cannot make your brain believe. I see you making decision to make yourself happy… stick with it.


Allgoodnamesgone… I am telling you, you would find another Mr. Right. And your H would then be obligated to change his schedule to be with his kids… Your H’s life would change hugely. You will have all kinds of new time to take care of yourself. You will have many dates and these men will want you…Badly!! funny thing is that it is likely some of your H’s friends will take a chance to see if they can have you… lol… It will feel fantastic! You will experience new feelings of lust, new chemicals will be released in your brain and you will feel so much better. To make a choice like Iwant is very special and very hard... Iwant is an angel... she is about as unselfish as anyone can be.. Me, I'm to selfish to live like Iwant...

You can make a choice to keep your family whole. Your dday is August 2009. At 9 months, my anger was so thick, I still hurt so deeply.. I could not even see the good things my wife was doing. I hurt and hurt so bad…I didn’t know how to heal, my wife didn’t know what to do to help me… We can say things here but I’m not sure they really sink in at such a close date to dday. My IC says it takes at least 1 yr just to feel better… then 5 yrs it will be just a thought... if you somehow reconnect.

I see you at huge cross roads right now… He says he loves you and it goes right through you… Your H has no idea what it takes to somehow get back to that point when you first met. I can tell, he is just not intelligent enough; he is too selfish to know, too hurt himself, too blind to even know what to do… He thinks he can fix this on his own… He is running away to drink so he doesn’t face the evilness he did… That might have been things he has done his whole life... Heck maybe you too! IC and MC helps, but it won’t be the solution. I will go out on a limb and say this… if you don’t do something like a Retrouvaille, you should just move on. You are not going to heal because he is not going to know what to do… Unless you can teach him from things you learn here.

Yes, he knows he can find a new woman.. he’s proved it. But you can too.. anybody on this board can… what is to say you won’t make it again.. and again… and again. M is not easy… Period. You can run from one to another… He is not abusing you like honestofault. You, nor your H have the tools to know how to have a truly great lifetime relationship. Not many people have been trained like me…

Today.. what Retrouvaille has taught me is to stop being controlling. I also won’t be controlled… Yes, I slip occasionally… as does my W… It taught us how to communicate to each other without some ugliness. It has taught us to be aware of the desirables, and avoid the undesirables. I view this marriage training valuable even if my W decides to leave me.. or me leave her.

Last night.. we both fixed dinner together over a couple glasses of wine, watched the NCAA… and ended up making out on the couch! Two years ago, we lived the “married but singles life”…(you are living that right now, I think) I might have been out with friends, drinking watching the game not even paying attention to my W.. nor her me! Then we’d go home and zero romance… Just maybe F… I must say, It is a different life today…


Peace to all today!

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:16 AM, March 28th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood:

what made you give up on your H? And, how long ago was it? I'm just curious since you say he's made a lot of changes. The liar part tho - that's a biggie. Why do you think he's still a liar?

i gave up on my h over the past summer (6 months past d-day), i had given him an ultimatum to come completely clean with me or it was over, and i meant it....i know he is still a liar because i hold proof of things he has never admitted...he know i have proof, but he has truly no clue about what and i won't tell him...i do not see the point, if he has to be reminded then he is still not being completely honest...and i made the decision that i will not under any circumstances be (really)married to a liar....

the changes he has made are many and big:
..he no longer verbally abuses me or the kids
..he no longer emotionally abuses me or the kids
..he no longer puts anything else before his family (me & kids)
..he finally sees his foo for the people they are and supports my decisions to cut them out with exception to those who are not working against us
..he is home all the time, from almost never
..he helps with everything around the house

i actually could go on and on with the positive changes, and as wonderful as these changes are, as much as he is the husband i always knew he could be..he is still a liar...

is he remorseful: yes, although sometimes i still question his motive...but not remorseful enough to show me all of who he is/was

he has done most of what i asked him to do, with exception to telling the truth

I've also been wanting to ask you how it is that you are able to stay in this situation - it seems like you still live together, but you are not reconciled with your h - so you have no one special in your life (other than your kids)? If so, that sounds just so difficult - yet you sound at peace with it.

i stay married to him (in name only) for my kids, one kid in particular....he has done alot of damage to my ds16 (manchild), the emotional and verbal abuse have taken him to a place where he is now standing on a cliff so to speak, he is not into drugs, sex, alcohol, but he easily can slide that way...academically he has let his grades slip big time, and has become that "stubborn teen"...always fighting for anything and everthing...he is basically a really good kid, but the abuse of his dad has taken a toll...

so pfm was told by me that he could stay to repair this relationship...and it is so far a tough road for my son and his dad, some headway has been made but not enough yet....

pfm also now has to repair the damage he created recently when my dd17 discovered his infidelities...she wants nothing to do with him, she keeps the secret for me for her brothers, but i do not think this will be kept for too much longer...long story for another day....anyways...

yes i have decided to let this marriage continue in name only, there is no intimacy, there is no "real" marriage, it is a marriage for "show" for my kids...when my kids are older and settled that will be another story then intend to move on...and i have been completely honest with pfm regarding all of this...

and yes this is a really hard road, i do not want to look at the man anymore, i want him gone, but being a mom has got to come first...if my kids were little i would not do this...but little they are not, they are at that age where kids make stupid choices that screw up their lives, sometimes permanently..

this is not a choice for everyone, it is not easy to live this way, but it really is the only choice i could make for me...

and tryn i am far from an angel...i am actually being somewhat selfish here....i could not live with the decision of moving on when my kids would be more turmoil, possibly making poor choices that will alter their lives...that is so not a way to live for me, i would never be comfortable enough to find my own happiness...so if i would be unhappy and they would be unhappy...everyone loses...in this way only i am unhappy....pfm may be unhappy now, but he is being gifted a chance with his kids and i know he now knows what a true gift that is...

i think i covered all your questions...if you have more feel free to ask and i will always answer.

think that is why I put up with so much crap from my h because what alternative do I really have at this point?

you always have alternatives...never feel you do not, because you do...

i am a realist, i do believe your h will be able to move on much easier then you can simply because of the kids...there are alot of dad's who don't do there part, who forego time with their kids to live their lives and i will tell you that this is a very real possiblity for you, your h already has his social life and carries on with it with great ease...and that may never change because he knows that you will never let your kids go or suffer...so as long as he believes you will pick up the slack he will more then likely continue his path....

but you do have options..while you are still living with this man, you most certainly should let him stay home more often while YOU go out...even if you come home to a dirty diaper, it will be worth it for you to have something...go back to school, take a class find something for you and you alone...and i personally would have woken his ass to change the baby with the threat that he would be eating it at his next meal if he ever did that to the child again....

Just nothing is easy anymore. I know I have what it takes to work this out, but I do not believe he does - a matter we will have to discuss when he gets home from work later.

no nothing is easy and proably will not be for quite a while, this is something i think you need to deal with..and whether or not he has what it takes to put your marriage and you first, well all you could do is give him that opportunity and see what he does with it...so far he doesn't seem to be taking it

oprah often quote maya angleou...

"when people show you who they are, believe them"...

i think that quote needs to be in your mind at all times...

tryn:

I must say, It is a different life today…

and this is wonderful...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys both made me cry.
I walked away.
And, now I'm mad as hell.
Oooo I love these mood swings!
Tryn & Miracle - I do some things for myself - I go to the gym when I can, I run on the treadmill when I can't. In fact, I have 2 races coming up next month.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood:

You guys both made me cry

why?

and what did you walk away from...?

and i am gald that you do things for yourself...maybe you should add a bit more!!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone... I don't want to make you cry. At this point in your R, you walk away only if you are about to sign D papers... and even at that, this may be what you need to be happy... only you know.

I can also tell you this... last week, my son came home from Purdue for my daughter's b'day. We laughed about some of the fantastic trips we have taken. We had some great conversations about where my daughter is thinking about school as my son tries to talk her into Purdue. It was fun to have everyone together and everyone was happy! It could not have been any better. That's life.

Who's to say, could I be happier if I would have moved on found some woman? I can see myself sitting around the table talking and cutting up with a new woman... having fun with my kids? Yes, but less time with my kids because they would also have to visit their mother’s house. I am the product of D’s parents. I think my mom cheated on my Dad. My mom could not pull herself out of the fog and my Dad did not have the toughness within to even try and keep his M... then my grandma talked about my Dad's A.. it was so messed up. They did what sociality today seems to be easier... D. I wish they would have tried to reconnect. My dad was not so attentive to my mom and my now step-mom benefited from my father being a more caring man today... He changed. Today, at 48 years old, I hate the fact I need to split my time between my mother and father. It is inconvenient and so many negative conversations happen with my brothers and sister over all kinds of stupid issues. D is a horrible to every family. I like and enjoy my new step parents, step brothers and sisters, but… oh well… it not that bad.

You just keep working out the anger… it will pass. It is part of your grieving. And go to Retrouvaille. It has that Catholic tone to it but mostly is about reconnecting… finding what you had when you both met… Just sign up and go… it’s free for those to cannot pay.. I will sponsor any deposit money for anyone who wants to go that post on our LTA board and just tell me where you are attending, first names and I will do the rest.

BTW… I’ve run in two 10K’s recently.. 51:03 and 53:48… it was 31 degrees Saturday.. and my bones couldn’t get going… I’m signed up for a half marathon 5/22… These runs seem to squeeze the hate out me… push the pain into it’s place… and make my knees sore.. lol…

Iwant.. You and the fine folks her on the LTA board always seemed to have the ability to place me back on the right track when things in my brain sends me to derail… I’m sure I’m gonna need you again… lol… One day, I won’t be visiting everyday like today. This has turned into something for me like a chat board mainly because we all have something in common… it’s kinda like my investor stock board…

This was my rollercoaster art… We are all on it, until we get off. Lord only knows when


[This message edited by trynhard at 1:28 PM, March 28th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn - good for you - my friend is running a 1/2 marathon in May - but honestly it's all I can do to run the 5k & not a step more. And 30 degrees?!? Thats a dealbreaker for me. (See- I'm very decisive in other parts of my life. Lol)
Miracle & Tryn: I know neither of you was trying to make me cry, it just happened to be the result. As you can see, I've had a tough week.
And, Miracle - what did I walk away from ? Just the computer. Did some stuff with the kids & I was thinking about everything that my H has & hasn't done over the past 7 months, plus all the bullshit that I dont know & will never know about the past 7 months & got myself worked up pretty good.
Thanks for responding today - I'm sure the 2 of you have better things to do. My h should send you both flowers/candy - (idk - Tryn what would he send you?) because I'm now slightly more rational today because of the 2 of you.
Also - Tryn - I'm not ignoring your suggestion about Retrouvaille - there's just no way in Hell its going to happen in the near future. He doesnt even think the ic is worthwhile and if Retouvaille is anything like what I imagine - just my husband's facial expressions will probably be enough for me to want to kill him.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Allgood.. I did not force my W to goto Retrouvaille. At the time, I decided I needed it. I can remember telling myself, if she doesn't go, I am going to move on with my life. I told my W that I am messed up...(I was) My IC Sweet Louise recommended it for me... for us. Yes, I was scared to go... I didn't want to spend the night away.. I didn't want to attend the follow up... I didn't know what to expect... You don't share what is happening to anyone! It is not what you think. It has changed my life. I'm not talking from Religious standpoint...I'm talking from a relationship point of view. It's funny because in our weekend, we had old, young, long haired, bald men attending.. Yes about 3 or 4 couples left... I predict they are D's right now...

Even if my wife and I don't make it... I now understand how to have the greatest relationship! It works with my kids too... at work.

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:46 PM, March 28th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood:

i am glad that the only thing you walked away from was the computer..we have all had days like that, and we will all still have days like that...i think the key is to make sure that the increments are in days only or it gets too overwhelming...like for you having a tough week...but we can all relate....wish it weren't so but alas that is life...

still didn't answer what exactly made you cry..you do not have to answer us, but you should answer yourself on that one...it might help knowing what triggers you and why it triggers you...

and complete kudos to both of you in that running thing..i can power walk with the best of them..but running...hell no...do not have what it takes...

and i am sure that is so "releasing" for both of you, so keep it up...always better to work it out, run it out, walk it out...

tryn: once again i think you give me too much credit and not enough to yourself...you are an amazing man with this huge ability to "see" far more then you realize...

I now understand how to have the greatest relationship! It works with my kids too... at work.

this is part of who you are now and as long as you value this "gift" of "sight and understanding" this will remain with you..treasure this within yourself...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What made me cry was reading your summaries of my situation - not saying it wasn't accurate - just always hard to see in black & white.
This is not where I wanted to be in life & I don't know how I got here.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: yes it is hard to see things in black and white...yet if you think about it sometimes it makes it easter...knowing exactly where one stands in itself is empowering, knowing what you can and cannot expect...i like knowing, limbo makes me nuts...which is also why i made my decision within 6 months, i would rather live with a decision that never feeling like i know where i am headed...living with the lies still makes me nuts, i won't sugarcoat that one, but at least his lies are not going to alter my decision or my choices, in fact they bolster it...

again i am sorry i contributed to your pain...

being a bs is BS...we all deserve so much more then we have recieved...

but i believe that we will prevail in some way shape or form, i do not know when or how, but i believe that life is meant for us to find happiness and i know i intend to do just that...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is not where I wanted to be in life & I don't know how I got here.
IMO... Not many folks ever "think" they are, where they wanted to be in life.

We got here by...Our spouses were greedy and selfish, they lost sight of what marriage is about.

And it's not always black and white.

He doesnt even think the ic is worthwhile and if Retouvaille is anything like what I imagine
I think you both would love Retouvaille.

You hear about other people that have made it through infidelity (and other problems) through the program. It does not beat up on your husband, it will not make him roll his eyes unless he has given up one you and your M... it is long days... it is emotional... it is designed to get you both back to truly loving each other again..

I went 10 months after dday.. I think it may not have been as good if we went right after dday... I think you should really think about going.

Oh well... new day on Monday!

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:17 PM, March 28th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again all.
Miracle: you did not contribute to my pain. I've been an emotional wreck since Friday - you were very supportive & helpful as always - it just happened to be when I was reading SI that the dam broke.
And, I agree - I hate the limbo (not the dance - I love that ). In fact when my h came home, that's where I started - saying that I just want a plan - I dont mind doing the work ,but I dont want to be doing it alone. I told him I couldn't take this "limbo-like" state anymore & I just didnt really see him being committed to this process.
And, Tryn - I will think about Retrovaille - but I know my h very well. Baby steps...


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: what if you just went ahead and booked retrovaille and do not give him a choice...line up sitters for the kids, i think you need an entire weekend...and if you want to come to ny, i volunteer for sitting duty...you would just have to wait for my tummy to heal a bit more..

and i do not scare easily where kids are concerned..i have been babysitting first since i was a teen, and there was always babies around and non-stop since my daughter was 6 months old, and i could provide references... ...

something to think about..just taking charge of doing something and telling him that there is no choice..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, March 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle... there is something to be said about "looking forward" during the R... I can remember me staying just so we wouldn't ruin our trip to Christmas... Then I remember staying for special weekend trip planned for just "us"... Then I remember staying for summer vacation... then I remember staying for Retouvaille...

As I look back at it... It seems these trip plans may have given me just enough strenght to STAY... boy do I remember how bad I felt....

My first post here on LTA board was Posted: 9:08 AM, July 9th (Thursday), 2009.. I just went back and read a few…

Just hurting a little right now after dinner with the kids.. I cannot even talk about when we were married and so young back in 1988... and those were such great fun memories for me ruined by her first A... I had to buy a new camera and cannot take enough new pictures to start new memories. At times, I've tried to force myself to look at old pictures over and over to try and see the good. I'm telling you, it is easier to leave and start a new life.
Not really.. I was hurting a lot!! It was so painful to look at pictures back then… I can do it today..

I have not set any time frame, but I know if I cannot get what I need to be happy in near future... I will start a new life without my wife...

Anyway, we are going to Retrouvaille in a couple weeks. I need those “tools needed to rediscover a loving marriage relationship” and my wife needs more then “rediscover”, she just needs to discover! I have learned so much on this site. One important thing I am doing is learning to communicate better with my wife so as not to set her up to be so defensive. Set my new boundaries. My IC recommended Retrouvaille and I will share every moment here. I have cried for my wife too. I have seen her in real pain for what she has done. She made herself physically sick over this. We have spent over $5000 trying to figure out it was stomach ulcers… I say it's due to stress.

Like so many here, my journey has not been easy in this 10 months. I am still so very hurt. I can cry today after years and years of never shedding a tear. I still spend too much time hurting and it does affect my work and job. I just don’t care because I need to get my mental health right. I could so simplify my life right now in a minute without looking back.

So I visit here to share what I have been through, for my own mental health, with all the fine folks like you. I thank you all dearly for all sharing all your pain and successes… how you did it or how you didn’t. I’m gonna beat this brain injury. I can say that today I feel a different love for my W. It is oddly with greater respect… and renewed passion.

She doesn't desire me. Tells me that she has no desire to have sex. We made love on Friday. She didn’t want to then but says she liked it and that was great. I asked to make love last night. She said no... too tired or just want to chill. I always am the one asking and feel horrible with I get rejected. I just feel like I need to be in a M with an healthy sex life....


I'm afraid I am hanging on because of my high desire to not share my grandkids time between me and my wife later in years. Is that really a reason to stay and hear no no no...

Oh well... another day off to battle my mind... Thanks for all input as I struggle with taking myself to a happier place... I'm gonna make my self happy.. one way or another..

I did tell her this morning I would not be so selfish but said again I don't want to be in a marriage where my wife just doesn't desire me. I also told her just don't make love to me for me... So I'm going to stop all initiation and see what happens...

iwantamiracle, you seem so powerful and strong to me... oh crap! there I go analyzing everything again... lol... My mom just told me the same thing and she has no clue what I'm going through right now...
I still analyze today lol

After dday, cried everyday at some point near 3 months. When in my mind wanted to D, ready to D, firm in my mind to D, Is when started to stop crying.


I will share more from my W... A letter from my W to me....

I want to tell you that I love you for the husband you are to me, the father you are to our children, the son you are to our parents and the friend you are to me. I appreciate the way you take care of things for the house and for all of us. I love that you volunteer for things – even those that you know will drive you crazy! I love that you are passionate about your hobbies. I love that you are generous with our loved ones when they need anything. If I know anything now that I didn’t know in the past, it is how very much you do love me – and how hard you are willing to fight for our marriage. I am so sorry that I lost sight of all of this and have hurt you so deeply in doing so. I am trying to the right things, to focus on all of the good things about you, the good things in our marriage and in our life and the fantastic things to come in our future. We show our love in very different ways, but I know you know that I love you. I do need you and I need to re-gain some self confidence, too.

My IC says I should try this below or something like it when I obsess... take control of your mind... it is your mind.

Serenity Prayer
GOD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living ONE DAY AT A TIME; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace. Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

In a healthy relationship, you:
Treat each other with respect
Feel secure and comfortable
Are not violent with each other
Can resolve conflicts satisfactorily
Enjoy the time you spend together
Support one another
Take interest in one another's lives: health, family, work, etc.
Have privacy in the relationship
Can trust each other
Are each sexual by choice
Communicate clearly and openly
Have letters, phone calls, and e-mail that are your own
Make healthy decisions about alcohol or other drugs
Encourage other friendships
Are honest about your past and present sexual activity if the relationship is intimate
Know that most people in your life are happy about the relationship
Have more good times in the relationship than bad

In an unhealthy relationship, one or both of you:
Try to control or manipulate the other
Make the other feel bad about her/himself
Ridicule or call names
Dictate how the other dresses
Do not make time for each other
Criticize the other's friends
Are afraid of the other's temper
Discourage the other from being close with anyone else
Ignore each other when one is speaking
Are overly possessive or get jealous about ordinary behavior
Criticize or support others in criticizing people with your gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, disability, or other personal attribute
Control the other's money or other resources (e.g., car)
Harm or threaten to harm children, family, pets, or objects of personal value
Push, grab, hit, punch, or throw objects
Use physical force or threats to prevent the other from leaving

Wow.. Something I see is how postive I was throughout... but inside I remember the pain was Excruciating..

Wow I am in so much a better place today....

- I cannot control what my wife does.
- I cannot change history
- I work hard to accept the evil things that happen to me in life and I am ready to battle anything that crosses my path.
- I have solid boundaries that protect my own happiness
- I try hard everyday in my relationship to give myself in a healthy way and try hard to do and give only desireables
- If I make a mistake, I pick myself up an move forward
- I am more compassionate toward those less fortunate.
- It is OK as a man to cry.
-

That's me... I need to write these down so they can be Etched in my brain

Peace to all today...

A special peace to Allgood... stay postive, tell yourself everyday you can do this...

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:06 AM, March 29th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, March 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn: as i had said before, you have come such a long way...you being so proactive in your healing and most especially in your marriage has been so tremendous for you...and look at what you have gained...and as you still like to say that if your marriage does not work out and you move on, you will have given yourself the gift of "no regret", because you have done so much to rebuild this marriage....

you are both blessed, because some day when you get past all the pain i know you still feel, you may very well have the marriage of your dreams...and yes it sucks when you think about how it came to be...looking back at some point in time will give you that feeling of look at how far we have come, you feel some twings of pain, but also from a perspective of a now happy marriage, and yes still quite aware of your new boundaries firmly in place...and i look forward to it...you will be like lovin is, breezin in....

this is what i hope for you, pray for you and see for you...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, March 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for sharing that with us Tryn.
By the way - I've been meaning to ask you if your W is on SI or if she ever read any of your posts here?
Miracle - I know your H is on here & I know you are not in R now, but I wonder how that made you feel - that he knew everything you were thinking - when you were trying to R?
Sometimes I think I would like my H to just read what I wrote here, but I think I prefer that I can be completely honest here. (Don't get me wrong - I am an honest person; however, I do like my privacy. In fact, if any of us did ever get together in person, you would not get an ounce of what you get from me here about the problems in my marriage.)
O - and Miracle - I am from NY!
Better day today. Serenity now.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

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