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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's IV
lostall
♀ Member
Member # 6490
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Razor: not sure your WW is promoting A so much as urging her GF to leave a possibly alcoholic and stalkerish H.

Many women - especially those without the education or resources to provide for themselves and their children - are pragmatists. They can't afford not to be. And so they won't leave their current man and provider for the family (however abusive he may be) without first lining up the next.

That may not be right and it may not be pretty. But most of these women wouldn't dream of actually engaging in the next relationship before the previous one is well and properly resolved. It's not about affairs, it's about the security of knowing there are other possible suitors waiting in the wings.

Just saying...

Maybe you could bring up this issue in a non-specific, general way and sound out your wife as to how she feels about this issue. It might put your mind at ease (and possibly open up a good line of communication).


FWS
Divorced

Posts: 960 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Europe
ForeverFaithful
♀ Member
Member # 29543
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had sex with a woman that he worked with. They were friends before he left me and we separated. They had sex a few times while we were separated. He promises me that he never thought of her romantically. That he loved me and was trying to get over me, she made him feel wanted and she was willing, so he had sex with her. He SAYS he even pretended she was me the entire time. He says they were just friends and he never thought of her any other way, even though he knew she thought she loved him. Am I a complete fool to believe my husband? He seems sincere. He has answered every question I have ever had, repeatedly. I have never caught him in a lie and he usually ends up crying when he gives me details I just feel the need to have.

I am really scared to trust him. Would I be a fool to?


BW- Me 25 WH-Him 28
Married 3 years, together 6
OW- friend from work. Had sex with her a few times while we were separated.
Status- Reconciling. He's determined to make me fall in love with a new man within a year.

Posts: 94 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Petoskey
DevastatedUKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 29109
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, September 20th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks JustDone and UnexpectedSong for your replies to my post. It's helped to put my mind at ease. I do believe FWF when he says he doesn't associate those things with OW.

Thanks again.


Me: BFiancee 31
Him: FWFiance 31
Together 12 years, engaged for the last 5
A = 4 ONS with same OW in 2008 (friends with 'benefits')
D-Day: End of Feb 2010

Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: UK
tooanalytical
♂ Member
Member # 22306
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, September 21st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This week almost 3 years ago is when FWW went physical and consummated her relationship with OM. I know the exact date because I was out of town on business at the time. So this time of year is a slight downer for me.

I was wondering: As a WS, do you remember the anniversary of your first time and if so what are your thoughts when the date comes up?


Me BH 44
FWW 44
Married 21 years
D-Day Apr 29, 2008
Children: 19,17,14
EA/PA - 1 year
Status: R

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2009
brokenheart831
♀ Member
Member # 29073
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So after many months of trying to R and WH giving in and breaking NC OW has finally ended it. At first I was so happy because I thought WH could finally devote himself to our marriage. Now I wish it would have ended differently or maybe even wish he could have been with her in real life and seen she is not as perfect as he thinks now. He never thought she was so perfect until now that she is gone. Anyway....so my question is how do I help him get over her and move on? I'm trying to be supportive but it is very difficult to hear about your spouse missing someone else. I'm confused on how he can claim to love me but miss her so much at the same time. Most other BS tell me to do the 180 but I feel like I need to make him forget her by being what he wants and needs. That is not always easy to do right now though with his attitude. So what helped you?

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: MD/DC
onlysolution
♀ Member
Member # 23160
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokenhearted,
Many people will tell you to do the 180 or leave if your spouse does not claim to just love you, and that is your right to do so. It is not everyone who can stay with someone who has loved someone else and misses them. My H was willing to stay with me under these circumstances. What helped me was exactly that. His love and caring for me despite this. His willingness to try his best to make our marriage work. Time helped me, but it did take a long time. H knew I missed the OM, but he just kept telling me and himself that he was the better man and was better for me.

Tell yourself that you are the better person for your H because you love him, have always been with him. If you can stand, tell yourself that it is okay that he misses her. We all miss people we no longer see who we cared about.

I, too, felt like I loved both my H and OM. I think my H was able to come to terms with that because he equated it to how I loved the kids and also love my extended family. He tried to put it in that category to understand how it could be.

Don't try to think it is up to you to make him forget her. You won't be able to do that. One thing you can do is to just work on being happy yourself, because happiness begets happiness. If you are happy and statisfied, your H might be tempted to join you.


FWW: Me 52
BH: 54
Married 34 years
Recovery - Over 4 years

Posts: 448 | Registered: Mar 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, September 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi

I'm sure this question has been asked by someone before but I haven't been able to find it.

My H had 3 LTAs over 16 yrs in our 28 yr marriage. I never suspected a thing until May this year when I found out about all 3.

We are trying to R but it's very hard. He appears very remorseful and seems to be trying hard to meet my needs.

What bothers me most is that he continued this behaviour for so long. If I'd found out after the first or even the second I think it would be easier to trust again.

BUT AFTER THREE???

Even though he seems so remorseful I'm terrified that because he's done it so many times he will do it again.

I'd love to hear from any BS or WS in similar situation. Did the WS do it again? I'd especially like to know how your R is going or if you decided to D and why?

Feel free to Pm me if you'd prefer

Thanks

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Itisnotadream
♂ Member
Member # 28515
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, September 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She talked to me about trying again and said she wants another chance. She said she would do anything I would request from her and would put in 100% into trying to R.

She said all the right things you would want to hear from a remorseful WS, including she loved me and missed me. She says she's been thinking about what has happened and feels terrible.

For someone that had hopes for R I would be very happy, but I'm more confused because I found out, just before she came to see me, that she is still in the A as of last week. She did admit to it, although she said she would end it.

Now, I can't reconcile the things she said and the fact that she's still in the A.

From your perspective;
What does she really feel or wants?
Does she really want to R?
Does she really miss me and love me as she said?


Me: BS; Her: WW
Married 19 Yrs, Son 17.
DDay (1) 5-18-10
DDay (2) 7-8-10
DDay (3) 7-18-10 I could take no more.
Attempted R. R was false, she was lying.
She moved out 7-30-10.
She chose to move out rather than work on our marriage.

Posts: 130 | Registered: May 2010 | From: California
Stage
♀ New Member
Member # 28286
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, September 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH is living in another state. His AP stays with him. He emails and texts me stuff, but not that he wants to reconcile. Things like I miss you. Am I making a mistake? Is the divorce the right thing to do? Will you ever trust me again? Etc. She says shes going back to her husband because of finances. We had a long talk this weekend and he opened up about a lot of things, but he is still lying. She texted him while he was visiting here with me and the kids. He seems confused and scared, but still angry and unsettled. It will be two years in Oct. that he moved out and we officially separated in March and I filed for divorce in October of 2009. Divorce is pending his final signature and he has said he doesn't want to sign. I realize this is fence sitting, but is he coming out of the fog? My son who goes to College where his father is said they aren't together anymore, but they are also definately talking. My son said his dad seems to be missing us more and more and he and his AP disagree a lot. I never wanted a divorce, but felt forced to divorce. My question is still the same. Is there hope? Is he coming out of the fog? What is she possibly thinking? Thanks.


Married 19yrs. HS sweethearts together for 23years
Me - BS 39
Him - WS 39
DS-19
DS-16
DS-13
DD-11
Her - AP 32, two children, married 14 years.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Texas
lulykr
♀ Member
Member # 29697
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, September 28th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am wondering if any WS has experience with their BS and ptss? If so, in what way were you able to help, or not, your BS to work through it?
B

Posts: 589 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Gainesville FL
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, September 29th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only one simple question!

Why should we even bother to try?


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, September 29th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for WS:

My WW, when confronted, confessed. BUT, the reasons to me seem shitty and superficial.

1) She felt unloved
2) She thought I didnt care about her, I was only here for our kids
3) I make her feel like shit

Those are her reasons. I dont buy into bullshit easily, but when I prod her she gets defensive and tells me to stop telling her those arent reasons for cheating. She knows why she did it, she's now told me several times why she did it, and thats that.

Can her reasons be so superficially inadequate?

About her: Three kids back to back. Hasnt been a wife or much of a mother either for over a year. I work full time, go to school full time, and up until a couple of weeks after Dday, I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, etc.

She worked part time (until June) and didnt do much of anything else besides whatever whim came into her head for fun. Bingo, Shopping, etc.

She will only go to counseling if I make her, which to me seems like a waste. She's not open to joining SI, and "sharing with strangers".

She is beginning to read a couple of books recommended in the HL that I bought on Amazon. She has been sharing with the cooking and some cleaning. She is more affectionate, although she still regresses every couple of days into her typical selfish behavior. But I do see effort.

None of this "working on things" though is what I expected. I know it is possible (although VERY improbable) for a couple to work through this shitstorm without counseling, but a majority fail due to further cheating by the WS. Or the BS ends up feeling like I do at this point of "whats the point?" Especially if she cant even look within and identify whats broke....

Is it too much to expect forward momentum 10 weeks from Dday?


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, September 29th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jimi40 - There is no requirement for you to try. You can walk away. There is no time limit, there is no blame on you, there is no moral compunction to stay.

Reconciliation is a gift you give to your WS.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tooanalytical

As a WS, do you remember the anniversary of your first time and if so what are your thoughts when the date comes up?
Yes, over the past year, almost two, I did remember the dates of all five of our meetings, and especially the two that were sexual. I dreaded them, still do. They're down days, for me. The guilt, shame, and sadness came back with a vengeance, in waves, over the days surrounding the actual dates. I tried to steer clear of thinking about what I did in terms of memories, but that only half way worked. I felt really clingy and worried about my husband.

This year, I plan on doing things that are very very unlike the things I did on those dates. Not just affair-wise, but generally. I'll mix up my whole schedule, so that I'm not constantly reminded of the dates. Learning is fine, revisiting is not.

Not everyone remembers dates, or is reminded of past routines, though.

~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
crushed again
♀ Member
Member # 26138
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure this has been asked but did you as a WS ever get 'afraid' to end the A because of what the OP might try & pull?
I know WH was really afraid of ow#1. We did have to get a RO against her. Now I see that sitch with ow #2 seems to be headed in same direction. I know WH is no innocent but what is he thinking when he takes up w/such 'unstable' OP's?! Or is it just a front for my sake? Have you ever used that as an excuse?
Thanx for answers in advance.


"Don't you worry your pretty little mind because people throw rocks at things that shine!"
~I guess living in limbo is my "new normal"- stinks!~

Posts: 713 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurtingandlost
Can her reasons be so superficially inadequate?
These are the things she has identified, apparently. You could call them reasons, but as answers, they're inadequate indeed. Most people that feel unloved do not cheat on their spouses. What is it about her that led her to betray you like that? How did it make her feel? Loved? Empowered? What was she trying to 'accomplish'? What did she fear most? How did she reason her way out of the guilt? Answers to questions like these would get her started to take the next steps:
look within and identify whats broke....

She could feel she's trying her best, taking on more of home life. And that's a good start, perhaps. But you're right, it is superficial, and it does not prevent future problems.

~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

StageYour situation sounds awful, and I admire the strength of purpose you show.
Is there hope? Is he coming out of the fog?

Please, don't hold your breath yet. There's more to life than him and his broken ego. What do you want out of life besides this man? What do you want out of a life beside this man?
What is she possibly thinking?
Could you elaborate? I don't understand the relevance.

Good luck, Stage. You're strong.

~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokenheart831 -

how do I help him get over her and move on?

It can be normal (at least for whatever represents normal in this mess) to romanticize the AP. In some ways, it's the same as when people romanticize "the good ole days". We selectively choose to remember "the good times" and forget about "the bad times".

The romanticizing does back down but it takes time. I actually had to go through the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) over about a 5 month period of time. Once I had properly processed it all, the romanticizing of xMOW went away.

If you can hold your WS accountable to going to IC and working through these stages, that would be a great way to help. It's something your WS has to work through on their own, but that doesn't mean that you holding them accountable for working through the stages of grief isn't a good thing.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ForeverFaithful,
I am really scared to trust him. Would I be a fool to?
Your fear is understandable. What would take it away? What doubts do you have? These are not rethorical questions, I mean them to help you figure out how to work out of this mess. From your post, it seems your husband is sincere, and helping you deal with this. If you, both of you, can figure out what causes this remaining doubt, you can find a way to deal with it.

Not to discourage you, but it's likely that it's 'simply' shock. Your hurt was recent, and it does take time to get any kind of new perspective. In the mean time, your mind and body are on red alert.

~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura28 -

I'd love to hear from any BS or WS in similar situation. Did the WS do it again? I'd especially like to know how your R is going or if you decided to D and why?

I'm not in a similar situation, but I do think I can share some insight that might help.

It can be difficult to understand, but an A is completely about things that are wrong within the WS. These things aren't always visible or easy to spot. It took me months of IC to break down the combination of low self esteem, desire for external validation and avoidance of conflict that formed the "perfect storm" I allowed myself to be sucked into.

If you don't fix the root cause within the WS, then additional affairs are not only possible, they are more likely to happen.

If a remorseful WS has sought IC, identified the true reasons for their actions and taken steps to address those faults, then the chance another A will happen is reduced significantly. But if they've rejected IC, or quickly spout off that they know why they did it without taking time for figuring out the real deeper reasons for their actions, that's when affairs 2, 3, or more happen.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
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