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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's IV
wheat
♀ Member
Member # 18918
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nothereorthere-
We got a new computer just nine months ago. I haven't checked history in a very long time because I felt after four years after the A that we was doing well. Recently I did, figuring I wouldn't find anything suspicious. But, I found in the search history: sites for singles, cell phone sites, porn site, email sites other then what we have, motel listing site, and chat sites. So, I ask my FWS about it. He denies doimg anything wrong and avoids talking about it for the past two days. He pretends nothing is wrong. He texts me today: "I know nothing about the sites you mentioned. If it showed up then it came up in a search for something else I was looking for. But not what I was looking for. If it came up and I didn't ask for it I left the site without looking at it." Dosen't seem possible to me. If it mentions the site in the search history am I wrong for believing he purposely went to those sites? I'm trying to be fair here, but finding this impossible to believe. Is there a chance I'm wrong?

Oh red flag city.

His convenient damage-control-riddled explanation of why those types of things are even on your computer history to begin with just smacks of guilty conscience. He had enough time to think up excuses and then text it to you.

In fact, I just looked at both of our home computers and no where, at all, are any unexplainable links in the history.

Each and every link either one of us has ever gone to (includes Google searches where something typed in a Google search result has been clicked on) is right there.

I'd love to know what types of "innocent" things he's searching for, if he claims porn, cell phone sites, motel sites, are all "popping up" in your history.

Something's not right here.

[This message edited by wheat at 8:33 PM, June 29th (Tuesday)]


"Every new day is another chance to change your life."

FSOW - late 30's, married now.


Posts: 209 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: midwest
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He just continues to deny going to any of the sites. Says if he did it was by accident & he would have got right back out of them. I would have believed him more if he said he slipped up & did go to those sites. Afterall, the search history shows those sites was entered.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are the Live Search Suggestions just suggestions or also sites that was visited does anyone know?

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
wheat
♀ Member
Member # 18918
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He just continues to deny going to any of the sites. Says if he did it was by accident & he would have got right back out of them. I would have believed him more if he said he slipped up & did go to those sites. Afterall, the search history shows those sites was entered.

I'm so sorry, but I just do not buy his explanation.

He sounds like he had zero intention of you a) ever finding out and b) ever confronting him on it. So his repeated protestations of "I never went to those sites, and if I did, I backed right out" sounds guilty to me.

Your husband knows he's been caught, his cyber fingerprints are all over these websites in the history. Now he's got to smooth things over with why his cyber fingerprints are there, and make it sound as innocent as possible. This is a diversionary tactic, designed to make you second guess your gut instinct.

Always, always trust your gut.


"Every new day is another chance to change your life."

FSOW - late 30's, married now.


Posts: 209 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: midwest
wheat
♀ Member
Member # 18918
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are the Live Search Suggestions just suggestions or also sites that was visited does anyone know?

If it's in the history on the computer, it's been clicked on manually.

Test it out and see: search gardening tips, or something else equally easy to track and see if your history shows all the links that are suggested. My guess is your computer's history will not reflect all links that a search engine offers in their results.


"Every new day is another chance to change your life."

FSOW - late 30's, married now.


Posts: 209 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: midwest
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wheat,

Good news! I finally got a call back from a friend that knows computers. Like I said before, we've only had this computer for nine months, so of course this computer is a little different then our old one that I was very familiar with. Anyways, I found out that some of the sites I was looking at was only suggestions. Turned out, there was only one site that he went into in the past nine months that looks suspicious. It was a social networking site. So, I'll have to give him the benefit of the doubt that he really did click right back out of it. Guess I messed up and jumped to conclusions, but you know how easy that is to do after dealing with an A and finding what I did. Our old computer was alot clearer to understand on the history. Different brand name. Just glad that's all it was. Hate what I went through the last two days though until my friend cleared it up for me. Guess I should have waited til I was sure before getting upset, but sometimes that's tough to do. Thank you for trying to help. Sorry bout the false alarm. I'm relieved

[This message edited by nothereorthere at 9:49 PM, June 29th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Card & wheat,

Thank you both for trying to help. I'm just glad it was only my confusion over the suggestions & history on my computer. Feel a little foolish, but that's much better then what I thought it was.


Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
srb1608
♀ Member
Member # 19477
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, July 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS was a great compartmentalizer. We never acted unhappy and never took time away from our family to be with OW(A's took place while i was at work only). In 2007 we went on a vacation. Had a great time and i never knew he was doing anything wrong. He seemed to enjoy the vacation and everything.

My question to WS's is: Do the memories of vacations and great events that happen while you are in the A seem real? Did you really enjoy them and are able to reflect on them fondly or are they all stained with the A?

We are going on vacation to one of the same places and ofcourse i am triggering.

Thanks in advance!!

[This message edited by srb1608 at 2:00 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)]


BS- me 37
WS -him 37
Married 13 years

Posts: 2220 | Registered: May 2008
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

srb1608,

All of my memories are tainted with the A. All of my BS's memories during my A are tainted as well!

We have reclaimed all of our real memories (Pre-A) and we have strived to make new memories (Post-A).

I recommend you both avoid all A-Talk while you are on vacation trips. You have a greater chance of building great memories if you purpose to make every part of the trip enjoyable.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
ArkLaMiss
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, July 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband (WS) says it was never physical with any of the many women on the internet. It was cyber, ILY to 2 of them, and phone calls, chats, etc, so he claims. He continued to lie to me for 2 1/2 years after I found out. I feel there's more, but he says there isn't. He says it's because he continued to lie that I feel this way. I don't think so.
I think that he won't ever tell me everything and I can't live without knowing, kwim? Claims that he never had feelings for them, dispite telling 2 of them ILY and ME that he did in the beginning. (says he only told me that to get me off his back) He also told me that if he and I split, he would go and fuck her. Now says that he KNOWS that he would NOT ever have done that.
I also don't believe that there were no feelings involved.
I have told him I can't live this way, without the truth. Tell me, am I crazy? He's never really admitted anything that I didn't bust him on to begin with!
Thoughts, please?

[This message edited by ArkLaMiss at 7:57 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)]


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jun 2007
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, July 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Polygraph!

Not much else you can do!

If he refuses, you have your answer, he's lying!

Once you schedule a polygraph, they usually sing like a canary the day before the test.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, July 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ArkLaMiss,

You aren't crazy. You are beaten down.

Card has a point. Poly may be the way to go. Another is to do the 180. Have you already tried either of these?

I have told him I can't live this way, without the truth.
So what are you going to do about this? Where is your line in the sand?

He also told me that if he and I split, he would go and fuck her. Now says that he KNOWS that he would NOT ever have done that.
You know your WH better than we do, but if my BW would have left me, I would have gone after OW. I won't lie about that. I haven't recanted that, unfortunately...

On the feelings stuff...A's are just plain messed up. During an A, everything feels very real to a WS. If he said ILY's to the OW, then he may have really felt that at that time. Now he probably knows better and realizes that there is no way he could have ever said that and meant it, but at least he isn't denying he said it. I am a big fan of "that was my reality then" thinking. It isn't a cop-out, but it was what I thought at the time.

The big one for you though seems to be that line in the sand issue. How much is enough. Just telling him you can't live with him without the truth isn't enough. You have to make him realize you mean business.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6016 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, July 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recently found out that my WS had a ST A with a co-worker seven years ago while I was out of town. He has our MC it was just a sex thing. However the MC told me he chose me.

Doesn't this in itself indicated he had feelings for his AP?

He told me I have total access to all our computers and stuff. I really don't. He even has deleted his contact list. Would this be warning sign something is going on?

My WS will not give up any information about his AP after all this time has supposedly lasped as a BS I get the feeling there is more to the story. Am I right?


Me

Posts: 787 | Registered: Apr 2010
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, July 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dallas2,

recently found out that my WS had a ST A with a co-worker seven years ago while I was out of town. He has our MC it was just a sex thing. However the MC told me he chose me.
Doesn't this in itself indicated he had feelings for his AP?

Although it may be hard to believe at times, men as well as women can just have sex without any "love" feelings for their partner. It is mostly prevalent in men.
A lot of men love the hunt and chase and it has nothing to do with "feelings" other than lust. Most of the women they just hunt and chase will never be considered to hold the position of a wife, if the chase is too easy.

Your husband may very well not have had an emotional connection with his AP, but there also could be things he is ashamed of to tell you he did in his pursuit of her.

Tell him that every little detail is crucial to you (if it is)so you can process this and heal from it.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2410 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recently found out that my WS had a ST A with a co-worker seven years ago while I was out of town. He has our MC it was just a sex thing. However the MC told me he chose me.
Doesn't this in itself indicated he had feelings for his AP?

He told me I have total access to all our computers and stuff. I really don't. He even has deleted his contact list. Would this be warning sign something is going on?

My WS will not give up any information about his AP after all this time has supposedly lasped as a BS I get the feeling there is more to the story. Am I right?

Dallas,

I'm sorry to say.... I said and did the same things.

It was my way of covering up the A was involved in at the time. I was in MC at the time too.

I'm not saying this is what your WS is doing, but unless he is willing to be Open and Honest with you, you cannot rule out any possibility. I'm sorry that your WS is more interested in protecting his A partner and himself rather than YOU!

I would recommend pointing him to "Joseph's Letter" in the Healing Library.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
MelisssaZZZ
♀ Member
Member # 25953
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, July 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yet another question...

my H says he does not feel empathy for me for the A. (and it shows). I am just wondering what is happening in his mind if he cannot find any?

MC says that in general he has a lot of empathy... but not for this...

Summary: he had 2yr long affair with teenager,which excellarated when I got pregnant (mutual decision).. ended jun 09.. broken NC aug and dec.. still sometimes checks her up on inet...

[This message edited by MelisssaZZZ at 7:23 AM, July 8th (Thursday)]


Me BS - 37
WH 39
1 child - 4yrs
married 5 yrs, together 7
DD1 midmarch 09
DD2 early june 09
some more DD's of course - cannot bother to list
LTA (2 yrs) fully?? finished mid Aug 09
Status: Divorced Oct 2011

Posts: 1199 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: London, UK
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, July 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MelissaZZZ,

I'm reminded of what Dr. Willard Harley say's about empathy;

"Why would any of us hurt the one we promised to love and cherish?
Lack of empathy is at the core of the problem. I was struck with what we are all up against while watching a Star Trek episode. Spock had volunteered to be possessed by an alien presence so that it could communicate with Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.

As soon as it entered Spock's body, its first reaction was, "Oh, how lonely you must all feel."
You see, in the alien world, they were all connected to each other through telepathy so that each one could feel what everyone else felt. They were all emotionally bonded to each other. But as soon as the alien possessed Spock's body, it realized that we humans are all cut off from each other emotionally. And it viewed our state as incredibly isolated and lonely.
One of the most important consequences of our emotional isolation is that we cannot feel the way we affect others. And that creates the temptation to hurt others because in doing so we don't feel the pain we cause. If we were connected emotionally to others as the aliens were, we would be far less tempted to do anything thoughtless, gaining at someone else's expense. That's because in so doing, we would be hurting ourselves as well.

And that's what I always seem to be battling when I try to encourage one spouse to avoid doing anything that would hurt the other spouse. I cannot seem to trigger empathy. Each spouse complains about how thoughtless the other spouse is, without much awareness of his or her own thoughtlessness.

Lack of empathy helps makes thoughtlessness possible. Since we don't feel what other's feel, we tend to minimize the negative effects we have on others, and consider our thoughtlessness to be benign."


I don't know if this helps you, but he explains it better than I could!


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MelissaZZZ,

I'm afraid that your H's continued, one sided, contact is still keeping him triggered (and triggering you too).

... still sometimes checks her up on inet...

His thoughtlessness and entitlement are obvious to you, I'm sure!

He must stop ALL contact in order to progress through any recovery.

My thoughts on waywards that continue to do searches or checking up on their AP's...... They are still stuck on their own pride. They refuse to accept that they have screwed up, and want to continue to blame everyone else.
No one is capable of empathy while they are lugging around a bag full of pride and resentments.

[This message edited by Card at 12:09 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, July 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

floridaredman- So are you saying its possible it was just fun? If thats the case, isn't it more likely he'd do it again?

Card- I guess if he could hide A for so long I guess he could hide one if he involved in an A. Whats the best way to find out? I printed out Joseph's letter and gave him a copy to read. He said he understood and yet I can't even get an answer to "Where did you meed?"


Me

Posts: 787 | Registered: Apr 2010
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MelisssaZZZ,

my H says he does not feel empathy for me for the A. (and it shows). I am just wondering what is happening in his mind if he cannot find any?
Has he ever been a BS? We can read about what BS go through, but we can't really understand unless we have walked in your shoes. The best we can hope for is understanding and acceptance of what our actions have resulted in and the desire to reconcile.

He still checks? Then he isn't done. Sure the A may be done, but he isn't done dealing with it. I disagree with Card on this one.

They are still stuck on their own pride. They refuse to accept that they have screwed up, and want to continue to blame everyone else.
I pretty much now that I screwed up and I am not blaming. Your WH may be different. So hopefully he can take the babysteps to stop checking up on OW. I know from experience though that it isn't easy. Each day can be a victory though.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6016 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
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