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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's IV
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, June 25th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

healingk,

There is an article in the "Healing Library" that may help you and your spouse.

It's called "Joseph's Letter"

It can be found here;
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
healingk
♀ Member
Member # 28889
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, June 27th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks , I read the Joseph's letter, it is exactly the way I feel. thank-you I will now work on getting him to read it.


Ws 59
Bs me--57
Married 39 years
D Day 11/30/08
Just trying to feel normal.It is getting there, but very slow.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Tennessee
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, June 27th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am over 3 yrs post d-day.
When I first found out about the 5 yr LTA I was shocked and kicked my WH out. We were separated for 6 months. He went NC immediately. Got sober, went to IC, went to AA, and begged every day for forgiveness and to come home.
However, every little bit of information that I got out of him ...I had to pull out of him. And much of the time it would happen like this... I would discover something.. then confront him with this info. and only then would he gove it up.
I contacted the MOW's husband immediately and he gave me lots of information, emails, etc.
So... I was able to get my WH to talk about the affair...when I would confront him with something...
but, most of the time I would get silence...and encouragement to just put it behind us...
that he loved only me and that despite the fact that the affair with the MOW co-worker went on for 5 yrs and only ended because I exposed it.... he insists that the OW meant nothing to him!
Well, I decided to reconcile... and after he moved back home...all discussions stopped!
he refused to talk about the OW or the affair..no matter what! refused to go to MC (we had done that for 6 months before R), he refuses to go back to IC....insists that I am the one with the problem.
I have really been struggling with this .... June was our 33rd wedding anniversary....
Oh... we also have been having issues in the bedroom...and he refuses to discuss that also...
he feels that we should just be in the moment and everything will be fine.
Especially if I never need any kind of communication about anything!
Your thoughts and opinions are greatly appreciated!!!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
bellamomma
♀ New Member
Member # 28895
Question  Posted: 6:34 PM, June 27th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopefully this isn't a repeat question. I couldn't find it in the posts that I read.
Bit of Background: WH was having an affair for the past year with OW who worked at our church. He was working at the church until January. I had confronted him a few times about things I saw, and he did some major blameshifting, gaslighting and of course lying. We are separated, and it was his idea (I'm sure to accomodate the A with OW and not get caught). I found some explicit emails. I brought them to the pastor and the OW was fired, BS was notified, and WS was confronted. I thought he may be angry with me initially, and try to focus on the fact that I had exposed the emails. He was very calm and nice in every interaction I had with him for about a week to a week and a half. I have been doing 180, and giving him lotsa space and focusing on my life and well being. BUT just a few days ago, he began texting me -- making demands & threats about finances, and getting to the point of being sadistic and cruel. Almost like he was getting an actual "high" from it.
My questions are as follows:
1. If WS was going to be angry about being exposed, wouldn't he have been angry initially?
2. Why would HE be angry with ME when HE is the one that had the A?
3. What could WS possibly get from trying to hurt me more than he already has?
Anyway, open to any input! Thanks!

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Longview, TX
wwashington
♂ Member
Member # 27595
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, June 27th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bellamomma,

Have you considered a restraining order?

This guy may be dangerous.


Posts: 146 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Orlando
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, June 28th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My questions are as follows:
1. If WS was going to be angry about being exposed, wouldn't he have been angry initially?
2. Why would HE be angry with ME when HE is the one that had the A?
3. What could WS possibly get from trying to hurt me more than he already has?
Anyway, open to any input! Thanks!

bellamomma,

My best guess is that your WH is still in contact with his affair partner.

When I was at my worst, it was because I was attempting to get my wife to push for a divorce.... Why? So she would be the one who looked bad..... Never mind the fact that I was the one who had the affair.... I wanted to be able to appear to look good to all those around me. It wasn't until she exposed my adultery to EVERYONE that this all changed.

She was able to laugh at my fog babble after she exposed.

You need to expose this A to all friends, family, church members, his work associates, and especially to OW's husband, friends and family.

When you expose sin of this magnitude to the light through exposure... well let's just say the light will eventually have it's way.

Remember, your H's anger is what keeps him seperated from God. Without this seperation from God, the A would have to crumble. He just want's to hang on to the A for a bit longer, and he's using his anger to prolong the fantasy of his A. I hope that makes sense to you.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, June 28th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal480,

IMVHO, you need to stop discussing the affair. There comes a time when in order to recover from all the pain, you must stop bringing it up. There is very little, if any, benefit to discussing the A after 3 years. Bringing up someones failures after 3 years is like rubbing salt into a wound. It will cause your H to retreat from you and he will also avoid conversations with you as a result, which makes intimacy more difficult as well.

As far as IC.... I find it to typically be worthless. But that's just me.

Is he still going to AA meetings? This is a great program of personal recovery, and far more valuable than IC, if he is still attending.

Did you and your H ever work a marital recovery program? It may be the answer to your communication, and sexual intimacy issues.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, June 28th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for taking the time to answer to my question, Card.
Yes, he still attends AA regularly and I agree with you...in many ways it may be better than IC for him . He also has a great sponsor and other great role models in the meeting that he attends...long time sober, long time AA members.
Now, about stopping the discussions... I know intellectually that it has to end..and yet, I am still so wounded by it all...especially the length of the affair...
and I am a very analytical, logical person...the type that needs to research everything to death so... it has been very tough for me to not blurt out questions everytime something triggers me...
I will take your advice and try very hard to do this.....
and..as hard as it is to imagine that someone can have a 5 yr LTA and ot have ffelings for the AP... I think these two knuckleheads did just that.
You see she had done this before in her marriage...had a LTA with a married man.. I think for her it was about the excitement, the secrecy, and this is unique for some OW I believe...they get a sense of power when they get a man to cheat on his wife.....
so...the struggle goes on...
thanks for your insight...
it's appreciated


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
TICKED OFF
♀ Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, June 28th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To those WS's that were in love (or thought they were) with the op.....what was your definition of love with your AP? What did you feel (or think you did) for the AP that you did not feel for you BS during your a? And after you were caught, did the love you had once again for your BS compare to the love you had for the AP?

Posts: 2390 | Registered: Sep 2005
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


TICKED OFF,
These are pretty tough questions, at least for me.

In my situation, the EA didn't begin until after a period of appoximately 5 months of me intentionally not loving my wife. So what did I feel for the AP that I didn't feel for my BW during the A? At the time I would have said love. Now I think limerance fits better. But because I had stopped loving my BW, stop letting myself perceive any love from my BW, when OW came into the picture it was like a starving man finally getting a scrap of food. She filled me up. That's what it felt like at the time.

I wasn't caught. This comparison you are wondering about is apples to oranges. I can't compare anything between my BW and the OW. Well, maybe I can, but it would be irrelevant. I was in two completely different worlds. Lately I have been resistant to the idea that A's are fantasies. If they were, then we would not be dealing with them. My A was very real and pain it has caused is very real. Therefore, I think the love I felt for the OW at that time was real. I can put it in its proper place now though and when I do, there is no comparison between a love for BW and a love for OW.

Don't know if that answers anything. I'm sure that others have different experiences.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
renee21
♀ Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is SA...he is actively working on recovery and has been since D-Day.

He last A was with a younger woman...10 yrs younger..nothing illegal or crazy like that but he was made out to be a monster in the whole situation. Things were said that hurt his reputation....very long story.

I know he didn't do some of the things that were put out there...even had a talk with the OW about it...

He is feeling so unworthy right now and I want to know what I can do to help him. He is devastated by the pain his actions have caused me and our family....I re-assure him that I love him and believe in him...sometimes me doing that seems to make him feel even worse....

Any suggestions?


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1258 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal - I'm not sure what your question is.

You cannot control your H into talking. So you are kind of stuck. Are you willing to separate again unless he tells you what you want to know?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

renee21 -

He is feeling so unworthy right now and I want to know what I can do to help him. He is devastated by the pain his actions have caused me and our family....I re-assure him that I love him and believe in him...sometimes me doing that seems to make him feel even worse....

Any suggestions?

That is very kind of you to want to reassure him. I think the best thing is to just go along life as normal. Ask him questions if you have them, but don't bring it up just to reassure him.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We got a new computer just nine months ago. I haven't checked history in a very long time because I felt after four years after the A that we was doing well. Recently I did, figuring I wouldn't find anything suspicious. But, I found in the search history: sites for singles, cell phone sites, porn site, email sites other then what we have, motel listing site, and chat sites. So, I ask my FWS about it. He denies doimg anything wrong and avoids talking about it for the past two days. He pretends nothing is wrong. He texts me today: "I know nothing about the sites you mentioned. If it showed up then it came up in a search for something else I was looking for. But not what I was looking for. If it came up and I didn't ask for it I left the site without looking at it." Dosen't seem possible to me. If it mentions the site in the search history am I wrong for believing he purposely went to those sites? I'm trying to be fair here, but finding this impossible to believe. Is there a chance I'm wrong?

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
renee21
♀ Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

US,

I try not to bring it up...unfortunately things are still very raw and there has been alot of tears and I am visibly disturbed by some recent disclosures...

During the times when things are going somewhat normal, I do my best to not bring things up. The flip side of the coin is he has told me he doesn't want me to withhold how I am feeling because one of his problems is "glossing things over and not processing them"...according to him and his IC....

It's just hard when I see him looking so defeated...


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1258 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Renee -

I try not to bring it up...unfortunately things are still very raw and there has been alot of tears and I am visibly disturbed by some recent disclosures...

Oh, these things you absolutely should bring up. Like your H and his IC say, don't gloss over these things.

I just meant... on your average day at an average time when you are not being upset at a disclosure, you don't have to bring it up just to tell him he's okay.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothereorthere,

I'm sorry, but there is no way these just show up!

Listen, I'm just some guy on a forum. Call a tech support office or stop in and talk to someone personally to verify this.

You should not only be able to see the history of the sites visited, you should be able to see the dates, time of day as well as how long he was at each site.

Do not let him wipe out the history prior to you getting your answer.

In the future, I would recommend quietly installing a keylogger for all personal computors he has access to.

Trust, but verify!


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Card,

Mines only showing the last four days. And, I can't find anywhere that tells me what time & for how long he visited the sites. This makes me sick after four years of trying.


Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nothereorthere,

Unplug your CPU or laptop and drive to your nearest computor store and ask them to show you how to look at the detailed history.

They won't charge much if anything!

Arm your self with the facts before you proceed with any discussions.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
TICKED OFF
♀ Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter, thank you for your honest answer. I have been pondering those questions for the last couple of months. I totally agree with you that affairs are not fantasies rather, a cruel sideshow that is acted out and when exposed the emotional and physical hurt becomes a dead on reality.

Posts: 2390 | Registered: Sep 2005
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