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User Topic: BS Questions for WS's IV
coping2010
♀ Member
Member # 28328
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, June 19th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. He has been NC, but he works with OW. He does tell me when he has to speak with her. Parts of their jobs overlap. Is it normal at this point for WH to constantly worry about me telling him I want him to move out? If I wanted him to leave, he would already be gone. One more question, I get upset and cry and yell and he takes it, but then will later say I keep telling him he needs to heal then I get upset and he slides right back down that slope. Is this also normal?


BS - Me, 45, WS - Him, 45
Married 22 years
2 sons, 21 and 18
DDay 4/9/2010, the rest 4/16/2010, R - 4/17/10
9/6/10 - He moved out.
9/23/10 - filed for divorce
11/5/10 - divorce final.

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2010
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, June 19th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

taschic,

When you confronted both of them, did you tell the MOW BH? If not, telling him, with proof in hand, may help to keep NC in place.

As far as your WH being in love with OW...I thought I was too. To be honest, I still question it sometimes but I am getting over it and over her. My EA was in 2007 then trickled into 2008, but I held on despite NC until just very recently. So, I guess what I am saying is that you may be in for the long haul.

Having lived through this, I would not say that your WH is in love with OW. It sure may feel like it, but he isn't. Has he gotten to the point of introspection? From what you say, it sounds like he knows he is confused, so that may be a good thing. Depending on what type of person he is, he may be confused enough to realize that he has to really figure some stuff out about why he thinks it might be okay to leave his family for a woman who also has a family.

I thought that my OW and I would leave and be together and be happy, but I knew/know that it would be very unlikely that it would really happen and I knew that there would be a lot of devestation to the kids and my BW. Actually, what got me to come around was that my BW packed a bag and had plans to be the one to leave. She was going to leave me with the kids, the house, the motorcycle and hot tub payments and everything else. She was going to give me my "freedom" but she wasn't going to let me have my fantasy.

From the limited posts I have read of yours, you really need to get a lot more information about how to handle this and stop worrying so much about whether your WH will get over the OW. Protect yourself and your kids first. If he is a good dad, then pack a bag and leave him with the kids. Would the OW really hang around for that? I don't know, just throwing that out there.

Good luck.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6016 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 20th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

coping2010, Yes, it is normal. As long as you see him fighting to not slide down that slope, then you will probably be okay.

You are only 8 weeks out and have a long road ahead of you. Your WH has an even longer road and it sounds like he doesn't even know where the start of the road is. You can help him find the start by setting up some firm boundaries for yourself. Tell him that you aren't planning on leaving as long as he starts working on stuff, but that you aren't going to sit around and wait for him forever. He needs to realize that his actions are what you will be using to determine whether you are willing to R with him.

But, even if he starts working on stuff, the pity-parties will still occur. Hopefully it will shift from missing OW to the realization of what he has really done.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6016 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
SouthernGal
♀ Member
Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, June 20th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question about how the remorseful WS feels.

I keep seeing things that I would label as typical human responses called a "red flag" or an indication that a WS is not truly remorseful. Particularly when it comes to the oft-mentioned transparency.

I am a BS. I have been completely faithful to my husband since we began dating in 1993. I have nothing to "hide." And my computer is an open book for my fWS. He's a computer security and networking professional. Hiding anything from him would be difficult.

However, if I knew that he was looking at my computer on a regular basis I would be a bit put off. Even though I have nothing to hide.

Why? Because I do have email conversations with friends that are none of his business - not because I am doing anything wrong but because I am sometimes talking about things that are private for my friends.

If I put myself in my husband's shoes for a moment - I would hate to feel that I was being watched every minute of every day. That everything I said and did was being examined in the most minute detail. I would tire of that very quickly and no matter how remorseful I was for my actions - I don't think I could live like that in the long term.

I know that everyone here says that a remorseful WS wouldn't say this and that a WS that does admit to these feelings is not truly remorseful.

I am a BS with nothing at all to hide and I wouldn't want to live like that.

I am choosing to try to treat my husband the way I want to be treated.

While I believe that total secrecy and secretive behaviour is unhealthy, I also believe that treating our spouses (wayward or otherwise) as a prisoner and allowing them no privacy at all is unhealthy as well.

It seems to me that there is a difference between someone who desires to have and be treated to a level of privacy and someone who is secretive.

If I walk by my husband while he is on his laptop or phone and he changes screens or hides his phone from my view ... that is secretive behaviour and it is a red flag for me.

If I don't have my husband's passwords but he is not hiding his computer or phone (or usage of those things) then I consider that privacy and not secretive behaviour.

I don't believe that any marriage has room for secretive behaviour but there should be room for privacy.

My husband is not my prisoner or my child. There needs to be a balance between assuaging my fears/doubts and giving him a measure of respect and treating him as an adult and with dignity.

I don't necessarily believe that a person who doesn't wish to be stripped of all semblance of privacy and dignity is necessarily a 'red flag' or not remorseful.

Am I just hopelessly naive? Is it possible for a WS to be remorseful but not want to be treated like a prisoner or a child, stripped of all dignity and privacy?


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, June 20th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SouthernGal,

This situation is entirely up to you. If he works in the IT field, then it would be somewhat difficult for you to be sure that he isn't hiding anything. Just a fact. So you have to be aware of his other behaviours and if you do get that gut feeling or start noticing red flags, then you need to talk with him about that.

As to your question

Am I just hopelessly naive? Is it possible for a WS to be remorseful but not want to be treated like a prisoner or a child, stripped of all dignity and privacy?
No WS wants to be treated like a prisoner or a child. There are some who may need to be treated that way for a while, but it isn't a one size fits all thing. Your situation is unique and you need to set things up so that you are comfortable. You, not necessarily him.

I like the idea you have of the difference between privacy and being secretive. Recently I learned that my BW read my journal. Long story about that, but the point was that we had agreed that if either of us wanted to read the others journal, then we had to tell them that we wanted to read it. She didn't tell me. So for about a month now I have felt that I have absolutely no privacy. She has all my passwords, she is here on SI, I don't lock my phone. I have nothing to hide (anymore), yet it really hurt and has been a struggle to get over that breach of privacy. So, she is willing to give me the privacy of my journal again, but my trust in that has been shaken a bit and I have hardly written anything in the last month. I finally had to go bach to my IC to get some of that private time. When I really look at what I want to keep private though, it is usually regarding my processing of the A, things that I need to deal with but if I talk about those things with my BW, it could just cause more pain.

I guess I am getting off your situation. SI folks often agree that full transparency should be expected of the WS, and in return, the BS should offer full transparency. So really, you need to decide what rules you have.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6016 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
SouthernGal
♀ Member
Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, June 20th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he works in the IT field, then it would be somewhat difficult for you to be sure that he isn't hiding anything. Just a fact.

I think that is part of the reason why I don't push to have his passwords. I know that he'll just create ways to hide it from me. From creating a hidden "virtual" drive using a partition to having accounts that I just don't know anything about ...

Keyloggers are less than useless to me because he rebuilds his personal laptop to test configurations for work machines ... his laptop is essentially a mobile testing lab.

I know that I would just drive myself crazy to no end. It wouldn't prove anything.


No WS wants to be treated like a prisoner or a child. There are some who may need to be treated that way for a while, but it isn't a one size fits all thing. Your situation is unique and you need to set things up so that you are comfortable. You, not necessarily him.

I see your point about me being comfortable. I suppose I spend too much time trying to see things from his perspective. I know that if I were being treated like some of the betrayed spouses here talk about treating their wayward spouses I'd leave. Not because I wanted to cheat or because I wasn't sorry for my actions - but because I simply could not live that way.

I like the idea you have of the difference between privacy and being secretive. Recently I learned that my BW read my journal. Long story about that, but the point was that we had agreed that if either of us wanted to read the others journal, then we had to tell them that we wanted to read it. She didn't tell me. So for about a month now I have felt that I have absolutely no privacy. She has all my passwords, she is here on SI, I don't lock my phone. I have nothing to hide (anymore), yet it really hurt and has been a struggle to get over that breach of privacy. So, she is willing to give me the privacy of my journal again, but my trust in that has been shaken a bit and I have hardly written anything in the last month.

See - when I have checked my husband's phone and emails I haven't found anything that indicates an ongoing affair. No contact with the OW or anything like that.

But I have seen some conversations he has had with friends about our marriage and his feelings. Things that he's feeling in the moment but may not necessarily want to tell me.

Like one email where he said he doesn't know if he can, or even wants to give 100% to making our marriage work. Okay. Fair enough. I've thought the same thing. I've said the same thing to my friends when I am venting and looking for a shoulder to lean on. I mean it in the heat of the moment but after that moment passes I see it for the petulant outburst that it was. I know he felt the same way. But there I was reading something I wasn't meant to see. Not because he was hiding something - but because he was working through something in his own thoughts and I intruded. Then I was hurt by something I never needed to know about.

I guess I am getting off your situation. SI folks often agree that full transparency should be expected of the WS, and in return, the BS should offer full transparency. So really, you need to decide what rules you have.

While you may have gotten off my situation, technically - your ruminations really did help me see that I'm not insane by trying to draw a line between secretive and private.

I have found that having the passwords to everything made me crazy. Yes, I could see that there wasn't anything going on. In the accounts I knew about. But I was checking them so often that I was ignoring things that I really needed to focus on. I became hyper-vigilant and I made myself very unhappy. So I am striving to find that balance that will work for us. It's certainly no easy task.

Thanks for your thoughts. :D


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
roccodom
♀ Member
Member # 19714
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have been in R for almost 2 years. It took some time for NC to stick.

After NC was firmly in place and I finally saw FWH emerge from the fog - he really worked his ass off wooing me. I had always been the one in the past to arrange for sitters and have a "date night". But he started to do it. It wasn't just a component of "after the affair" - it was an effort that needed to happen from him for our whole relationship.

Well - this all stopped a few months ago. FWH entered a depression which is not uncommon for him. I stated that I refused to be in a relationship if he didn't manage his depression (as it was a factor in his A). He made appt. with psychiatrist - got on meds - and restarted IC.

I recently tried to talk to him about putting effort into maintaining our M - setting up date nights, etc. And emphasized for the billionth time how this is an ongoing aspect to keep our M healthy. Of course a fight ensued and I got a lot of blameshifting and excuses that sounded just like after the A (his state of mind that is).

Do FWS revert back to old relationship patterns?

Am I just hypersensitive?

Can it revert back to pre A life (especially if the reality was that we had a good relationship and it really was his depression and issues)?

He seemed much more open before - am I overreacting.

I feel somewhat hopeless that we just are going to go through the same damn cycle over and over (it was FWH second A).


BS - me (45) WS - him (45)
married 16 yrs (DS 11yrs, DD 9yrs)
#1 PA - DDay 12/97
#2 PA DDay 5/08
#3 PA DDay 2/12
Trying R
Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security.


Posts: 789 | Registered: May 2008 | From: MO
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SouthernGal - You have it exactly right. There are things that are not A-related that the other spouse doesn't need to see. Working thoughts out is one of them. The person thinking them writes in sand, but the person reading them receives in bronze... Transient thoughts become something someone else cannot erase.

There are also other issues. When I thought my H was reading everything, I stopped talking to him. Why repeat everything? If he saw that I was going to bring this kid there, that Tuesday afternoon was canceled, that an additional rehearsal was scheduled on Wednesday... well, that is the bulk of my conversation anyway. I don't have a lot of deep, philosophical conversation every day.

Everyone needs a safe place. Even criminals and child molesters and Waywards. To me, the two most private places are IC and your journal. If those are gone, well, I would stop thinking. Just MHO.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Roccodom - It is easy for everyone, not just Waywards, to fall back into old behavior, especially when things get back to "normal". Why do your think most diets fail? You get adrenalin to do something, keep it up for awhile, see good results, but it takes a lot of effort to maintain.

There are two lines of work in R. Stopping the A and fixing the M. Stopping the A (after the withdrawals, etc.) is easy. Fixing the M is a lifestyle change - much more difficult.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
roccodom
♀ Member
Member # 19714
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UnexpectedSong

Thank you for your reply.

I guess I wonder why his anger is so huge with me just pointing out that it needs to be a continual effort. I explain that it is just not on his part but on mine as well.

It totally freaks me out because his perceptions of things sound exactly like the excuses after the A. " I work hard and I never deny you or the kids anything. I always say yes to everything. " Basically saying that nothing he ever does is good enough. Let me tell you - it has always been part of me to tell those in my life when I appreciate things - that I appreciate them. I have always done this - it is important to me. He has admitted in MC that I am very good at being thankful and letting him know how much I appreciate things. SO - when he reverts back to the "Noone appreciated me" stuff - I view it as excuses. And these perceptions are what allow him to engage in hurtful behavior.

I guess I'm wondering - how do you make permanent changes?

And if you don't - isn't it a set up to have another A?

A little acknowledgement on his part would go a long way. I find it frustrating that it takes a two hour argument for him to finally say...I gave you cards, flowers, dates .... but I guess I haven't recently. What is with the denial in the beginning. Can't we all be adults and realize when we've been slacking and just say it. Why does it have to be so hard?


BS - me (45) WS - him (45)
married 16 yrs (DS 11yrs, DD 9yrs)
#1 PA - DDay 12/97
#2 PA DDay 5/08
#3 PA DDay 2/12
Trying R
Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security.


Posts: 789 | Registered: May 2008 | From: MO
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

roccodom -

I guess I wonder why his anger is so huge with me just pointing out that it needs to be a continual effort.

My therapist would explain that anger is a secondary emotion. What is it covering up? My guess is he is upset that he does not have the energy to keep up the new behaviors and that is why he gets angry when you point that out.

I guess I'm wondering - how do you make permanent changes?

If you knew this, write a book and make millions! Sorry, not trying to make light of this very serious situation! Permanent changes take a huge amount of effort. If I use the diet analogy - for the diet to work, a person would have to be vigilant about what they eat for the rest of their lives. For a person to make personality or behaviour changes, it takes constant reminder of oneself to make that stick.

I find it frustrating that it takes a two hour argument for him to finally say...I gave you cards, flowers, dates .... but I guess I haven't recently.

What is it that you truly need? And what can be sustained over the long term?

My H and I are not flowers / cards kind of people. If I had to come up with a present for him every week (flowers and cards are presents), I seriously would not be able to keep that up. And him, too. Of course, if that were a requirement and the consequence of not following through was divorce, I would enter that into my schedule and make a point of stopping by a store (flower store, card store, candy store) every Thursday night to get a present for Friday, or whatever.

Sorry, maybe it's my Wayward perception... a weekly present for the rest of my life just seems insurmountable to me. Same with my husband - who is a fantastic husband and father. If I made it a "requirement" (for whatever reason) that he had to wash the toilet every two weeks, that would be doomed to failure and I would just be upset and angry that he couldn't do it.

Don't get me wrong - I totally understand the need to see change to know that the person is processing the aftermath of the affair. But, to me, asking something from someone that that person is not capable of doing (and is not as "bad" as SA, for example, where the person really just has to work on stuff or get out) is an exercise in failure.

So, the question is... what can he do long-term, i.e., every week for the rest of your lives, that he can live with and that you can live with?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

roccodom - Another thought and I know you will be angry at this. Does your H do anything for himself? Have a hobby? Have a buddy to hang out with once a month or so?

I know it's counter to what you want... but for some people, wooing and date nights doesn't fill the "soul bank" in the same way that, say, creating a watercolor painting does. But, in a strange way, maybe filling his soul bank will make him "happy" enough that he totally wants to woo you again.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Gal,

I don't believe that any marriage has room for secretive behaviour but there should be room for privacy.

Privacy is what we should expect when we need to use the restroom, or when we are getting dressed.

My husband is not my prisoner or my child. There needs to be a balance between assuaging my fears/doubts and giving him a measure of respect and treating him as an adult and with dignity.

We treat each other with respect and dignity when we protect and care for one another. We protect and care for one another when we eliminate any areas of our lives that are secretive.

I have no problem allowing others to have privacy and secrets, but my spouse and I agree to love honor and cherish one another. To become of one flesh, one body and one mind. Pretty hard to live up to these promises when we have areas of our lives that are hidden from our spouse.

I don't necessarily believe that a person who doesn't wish to be stripped of all semblance of privacy and dignity is necessarily a 'red flag' or not remorseful.

When I allow areas of my life to remain seperate from my wife, I am not protecting her. This seperate lifesyle ids what allowed the environment that led to my affair to flourish. I wanted privacy and dignity.
I just never saw what this privacy, under the guise of, "I'm not an animal on a leash" type attitude would lead too until it was too late! So, any wayward wanting to protect themselves and their last private enclaves, should always be seen for what it is.... dangerous to their partner!


Am I just hopelessly naive? Is it possible for a WS to be remorseful but not want to be treated like a prisoner or a child, stripped of all dignity and privacy?

Please keep in mind that dignity and privacy are two completely different issues.

I agreed to complete transparency. My wife treated me with dignity as a result of this action.

Your H can arrange ways to be completely transparent for you as well. If he wants to set these things up, he knows how to do this. There are programs that allow you to receive reports that range from seeing every keystroke to just viewing the reports of sites visited. It's not to much to ask of him. Nor is it to much for him to offer.

To affair proof your M you BOTH must care for and protect the other.


[This message edited by Card at 2:16 PM, June 21st (Monday)]


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
roccodom
♀ Member
Member # 19714
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unexpected Song

I am not at all upset that my FWH get a hobby. I have been saying this from the beginning of our M. I have my girlfriends that I have always gone out with. I have hobbies. I always felt like FWH would be happier if he connected with other people. He is just starting to do this. I hope he keeps it up.

My therapist would explain that anger is a secondary emotion. What is it covering up? My guess is he is upset that he does not have the energy to keep up the new behaviors and that is why he gets angry when you point that out.

I think this is absolutely true as anger is his reaction to a lot of situations (He even jokes that he has two emotions - content or angry). I think this reaction is a trigger for me since of course his anger was ten fold during and after the A. It's just that this is his reaction quite often and it's extremely tiring. I begin to think that I will never have a point - I will never be heard.

You know - I don't necessarily need cards and flowers. I need him to be engaged in our day to day life. I need US to work together. He does need to put effort in to planning date nights for us but not elaborate. The thought needs to be there. The effort needs to be there. We functioned for too long with him completely removed from the M and family. I blame me for this part too.

Thanks for the response


BS - me (45) WS - him (45)
married 16 yrs (DS 11yrs, DD 9yrs)
#1 PA - DDay 12/97
#2 PA DDay 5/08
#3 PA DDay 2/12
Trying R
Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security.


Posts: 789 | Registered: May 2008 | From: MO
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, June 23rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Roccodom,

You said this;

I always felt like FWH would be happier if he connected with other people. He is just starting to do this. I hope he keeps it up.

But then you said this;

We functioned for too long with him completely removed from the M and family. I blame me for this part too.

You are encouraging your H to find a way to return to the same conditions that led to his affair. A life removed from the M.

I would suggest that you both find a way to spend your most enjoyable hours of your days... TOGETHER!

The world is clammoring for everyone to find ways to be apart and then we wonder why the rates of divorce and infidelity are running so high, KWIM.

Just a suggestion;
On the "Marriage Builders" website there is a Recreational Companionship worksheet you can print out. It helps you both find the hobbies & recreational catagories that are the best fit for both of you. Helped my wife and I tremendously in planning events/dates together that we both loved to do.



WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
roccodom
♀ Member
Member # 19714
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, June 23rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Misunderstanding -

We do plenty together - we have always had a weekly "date night". Aside from that have plenty of friends we enjoy going out with. Both of us always try to attend anything for the kids together.

When I say he was removed from the M - I mean - He went to work and came home. He vaguely paid any attention when I talked about the kids (at one point he didn't even know the name of our son's preschool). Everything was done for him (cause he was the bread winner). HE needed to choose to be INTERESTED but he was TOO selfish.

In addition to doing things together - I still think it's healthy to have friends and hobbies that are your own.

I think that is a healthy life.


BS - me (45) WS - him (45)
married 16 yrs (DS 11yrs, DD 9yrs)
#1 PA - DDay 12/97
#2 PA DDay 5/08
#3 PA DDay 2/12
Trying R
Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security.


Posts: 789 | Registered: May 2008 | From: MO
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, June 24th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Roccodom,
Thanks for clarifying.

Here's a link you may find interesting;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.html


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
healingk
♀ Member
Member # 28889
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, June 25th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and I are 1 year and 4 out from D day , we are healing but for me it is slow,because he does not answer many of my questions, he will say he does not remember.WS is this possible or is it a way to get past answering??


Ws 59
Bs me--57
Married 39 years
D Day 11/30/08
Just trying to feel normal.It is getting there, but very slow.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Tennessee
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, June 25th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

healingk,

He remembers. There might be parts he is uncertain about, but he probably remembers most of the details you might be asking about.

He may be unwilling to answer for fear of hurting you more. This is a catch 22, because it likely will hurt you, but all the BS's on here say that the continued lying hurts even worse, so draw a line and say tell him he will either answer or you are gone. Call his bluff.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6016 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, June 25th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

healingk ~
is this possible or is it a way to get past answering??

hmmm...well, I am inclined to believe it's a bit of both but more of the latter...he could very well not remember certain things but I suspect he remembers more than he's letting on.


FWW - 40
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