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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's IV
wheat
♀ Member
Member # 18918
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, June 6th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hissadwife-

Her looking at his online profile sounds like a way to keep her end of the A addiction fueled. She may be reminiscing or wanting to feel the residual "thrill" of the A (as she remembers it).


"Every new day is another chance to change your life."

FSOW - late 30's, married now.


Posts: 209 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: midwest
BillieJean
♀ Member
Member # 28635
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got a question for a FWS...I apologize if it has been asked before...

I need to know about the fog and its affect on you during the A. My WH moved out on D DAY...he told me the day he left that he had feelings for OW but that he loved me and did not want a divorce. He left to stay with a friend because he needed time to think. I asked him not to speak to her(she is an employee at the store he manages) anymore because he needed to think about his family. i left with our son so he could pack a bag. I checked his call log the next day and they had spoken about 18 times in a 24 hour period, the first being 5 minutes after I left. I called him and he said he wanted a divorce and had not loved me in years. He said that he wanted to be with her and that she was going to leave her H for him. He did not know how old she was or if she had kids(34 years, 2 small boys). He said that they had a passionate and emotional relationship, which had been going on a month.

he is currently living in the attic at a friends house with pics of her all over the walls. She still has not told her H anything. He confirmed yesterday that their relationship has become physical and that he still wanted a divorce. i reminded him that while he gave up everything for her she is scrambling to cover this up to her husband.i told him that this wasn't real and that he would regret it and one day want to come home. he said that all he wanted was to be with her and that he will never want to return.

I know that there was love between us. I noticed changes in him when he met her(becoming distant,cold and not coming to bed) but I KNOW that he has loved me all these years. I never once doubted how much we meant to each other. He is a Christian and was song leader at our church but he walked away from that too. he doesn't believe in what he is doing.
He went to his boss today and asked to be transfered so he could pursue a realtionship with her.

my question is , is this the fog? I can't wrap my head around any of this. Could someone explain it to me please.He is going to ruin his life and nothing i say will get thru to him. i keep telling him that I know he is a better man than this and that he will regret this but he just blows me off. he is telling everyone that he has been unhappy for years and even they say that they have known us for forever and that they know better but all he sees is his life with her. Is she gonna leave her H too? Can the "high" from all this be THAT powerful? Sorry so long...PM's are welcome too

[This message edited by BillieJean at 9:40 PM, June 7th (Monday)]


ME-BW:32__HIM-xWH:31__DS:5
TOGETHER-10 MARRIED-5
D-DAY: 3/26/2010
I FILED D 9/17/2010
D FINAL 2/3/2011
"Is there a cure for a broken heart? Only time can heal your broken heart, just as time can heal his broken arms and legs"-Miss Piggy

Posts: 447 | Registered: May 2010 | From: MIDDLE TN
romanticidiot
♂ Member
Member # 28655
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BillieJean,

It's not my place to answer because I'm a BS, but it sounds like you should just let him go. He'll get his just desserts.

It was hard for me to come to this realization with my wife because I love her and hate the fact that she's throwing us away for this fantasy, but you have to look out for #1. That means moving on.


"When you're going through Hell, keep going." -Churchill

Posts: 720 | Registered: May 2010
Nicki519
♀ Member
Member # 26311
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, June 8th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there any WS's that can answer my question back on page 29?

Thank You!


BS, Me, 41
WH, 41
Married 12yrs, Together 17yrs
D-day #1 May 25, 2009
D-day #2 June 21, 2009
8 yr old Son
19 yr old Step Daughter
In Recovery

Posts: 226 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: The South
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, June 9th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nicki519,

My question: Did any WS share secrets, fantasies, or anything with the OP that you have never shared with your BS? If so, why is it easier for you to share things with the OP and not your BS?

I will take a stab at this for you. It's not quite my situation as I was always able to be very open with my exBH, but I can understand this mindset enough to make an educated guess. I think it's because there's no real "risk" to sharing these types of things with the AP. The WS knows that the AP isn't going to judge them or not respect them for what they say (because just by virtue of being a willing participant in affair behavior, the AP kind of gives up that 'right', so to speak). And, probably, again given the fact that it is an affair relationship and not "real life," the WS probably wouldn't care whether the AP would look askance at their secrets.

I think the fantasy aspect of most As also plays a role. The AP is person with whom the WS can completely let down their guard, because in the end the affair relationship usually doesn't mean anything of substance. It is a fix, an escape, a departure from reality for a little while. With the BS, within the marital/committed relationship, the WS might find themselves worrying about the real-life ramifications of sharing such an intimate part of themselves (vulnerability, etc).

It's really all ass-backwards (as most things actually are in the WS mind during & immediately after the affair). The intimacy and sharing should be placed with the BS, and the AP should be the one held at arm's length.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1916 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Blondie0591
♀ New Member
Member # 21295
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, June 10th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although I have been reading posts on this website since I found out about my WH's A this is my first post. I would like to ask other WH or WW what they think about a WH always exhibiting anger as an reaction to any discussions about A or OW? He says we should move on--who wants to live in the past and the pain? Also, is it normal for WH to not share details of the A? WH states it doesn't matter because it was wrong and he knows it. I am lost, I am still hurting, but I am alone. I am trying to make this work, but he will not go to counseling. Also, I recently found a bracelet that OW gave him in 2007. His response was that he forgot about it and thought he had thrown it away. I don't believe that. I think he is still pining for her even though he says he hates her. Can someone please tell me if this is actually possible? Or if I am getting the wool pulled over my eyes again? Sorry for the rambling and the length. Thank you for your help.

WH: 39
BS: 37
1D: 6
DDay: 2/9/08


Blondie

Posts: 1 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Colorado
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, June 10th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nicki519 -

I know WH shared his deep dark secrets with MOW, and also shared his fantasies with MOW.

Heartbroken0903 said it very well.

Having said that... how would you react if he told you his deep dark secrets? I didn't have any deep dark secrets to tell the xOM - they all came out afterwards, during IC. So, only my husband knows.

But, I can tell you that it is very awkward for me, knowing that he knows so much about me. That he was there for every step of the discoveries. It is good, in a way - it's freeing. But, overall, it is awkward. Sometimes, it's easier talking about some of this (deep dark secrets and fantasies) with someone who has no vested interest in you.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, June 10th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blondie - Somehow or other, you need to convince your H that he has to tell you all the details you need. He also has to do the work necessary (it could be IC, it could be deep self-introspection) so that he won't make the same choice in the same circumstances again. How does he know he will not cheat again? What will he do next time? Will he turn to you?

I think he is still pining for her even though he says he hates her. Can someone please tell me if this is actually possible?

Of course it is possible that he hates her. However, he needs to work it through so that she is inconsequential to him. The goal is indifference. Hate means there is still some emotion left.

There was a time when I was very nervous every time I was confronted with a photograph of the xOM. Last night, I saw his photograph again and felt... nothing. It felt like I never even knew him.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, June 11th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS...

Thank You! For all you do for us BS her on SI!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3140 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
will_I_make_it
♀ Member
Member # 28648
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, June 12th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, can someone please give me some insight on my question from page 29?


Married 6/2007
Me = BS/28
Him = WH/39
DD 2/10/10
DD#2 4/24/2010 (same affair)

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2010
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, June 12th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband did not want to end his affair and was upset when it was exposed. He says it woke him up and that he is done with the affair. If he had to be forced to end the affair due to exposure and was pissed because of it, what are the chances that he truly is done and won't want to rekindle with this person or another?

WIMI,

An affair is like a drug and once you are about to have that drug taken away it will be met with anger, humiliation, and embarrassment by the WS. It also is a wake up call to a lot of WS's and they begin to see reality instead of the fantasy the affair created.

Many WS's "fall off the wagon" and make contact again after DDay. That is why you must have precautions in place to ensure it doesn't happen if you are wanting to R with your WS.

You can never control anyone, but if the WS is willing to go by your demands in order for you to feel safe, hold them to it.

Verify as much as you need to until you feel you can trust again.


[This message edited by floridaredman at 12:18 PM, June 12th (Saturday)]


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2412 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
GroundZero
♀ Member
Member # 27853
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, June 12th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi will_i_make_it, I will try to answer your question. Here it is again for anyone reading through (and for me, since I can't look back at it while I type:

My husband did not want to end his affair and was upset when it was exposed. He says it woke him up and that he is done with the affair. If he had to be forced to end the affair due to exposure and was pissed because of it, what are the chances that he truly is done and won't want to rekindle with this person or another?

Why was he pissed? Because he could no longer see her or because he was publicly embarrassed or something else?

It looks like you have already had another D-Day. Was that because the affair continued? I read through a few of your posts as well and see that this was not his first A and that he is refusing to be intimate with you.

Everyone is different. So yes, he could just be feeling guilt and shame and the anger is an expression of that. It could be that the lack of sexual activity is an expression of that too. On the other hand, the OM and I went underground for several months after D-Day and the behavior was a lot the same for us. Neither of us had sex with our spouses, so that would be a red flag for me as well.

Are you in MC together? Is he in IC? Even if this A is over, the fact that he's had more than one and does not really seem to be looking inward at why he made his choices makes the risk of another A or resumption of this one much higher.

The most important thing is that he drags it all out into the light of day and really examines his choices, so that he can address whatever is broken inside him and protect your marriage against another betrayal down the line.


Out of clutter, find simplicity; out of discord, find harmony; in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. Einstein

Posts: 1777 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Land of the Sweet Lovely Kiddos
will_I_make_it
♀ Member
Member # 28648
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, June 12th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was pissed because he was caught. The 2nd D-Day was because the affair continued. She created a secret email account for him to use shortly after she found out about me. He didn't realize I had access to his work email and there I found a couple of emails. I don't feel as though it is underground at the moment but I have a fear that because the exposure forced it to end as oppose to him ending it on his own, that maybe they will try to start back again.


Married 6/2007
Me = BS/28
Him = WH/39
DD 2/10/10
DD#2 4/24/2010 (same affair)

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2010
will_I_make_it
♀ Member
Member # 28648
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, June 12th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He asked or and began IC but unfortunately the counselor didn't make things any worse or any better. He just made WH's view of counselors worse. This time around he is talking a bit differently, but I'm not going to put anything past him. Just wondered what are the chances of him truly being remorseful because the affair was forced to end. The OW is definitely pissed that it ended. Due to the exposure she went from wanting to be his wife to wishing she had never dealt with him and even had personal attacks on me as if I was in her way. She has already shown signs of not letting him go. Don't know if she's contacted him but via the internet she is still professing her love for him, just not attaching his name to her postings/profile names.


Married 6/2007
Me = BS/28
Him = WH/39
DD 2/10/10
DD#2 4/24/2010 (same affair)

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2010
Nicki519
♀ Member
Member # 26311
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, June 13th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Heartbroken0903

That does make sense. Your right it is very ass backwards!

UnexpectedSong -

how would you react if he told you his deep dark secrets?


One problem with WH is that he is always worried about what other people think about him. I have told WH many times that I would never think differently of him no matter what he told me, and I would never judge him. I am by no means perfect and have made many mistakes in my life, and WH has never thought differently of me from the mistakes I've made. Just like I wouldn't think differently of him. WH does know secrets about me and my past, that no one else knows.

I do understand that it's easier to tell someone other than your spouse certain things. I just hate that fact!

[This message edited by Nicki519 at 4:37 PM, June 13th (Sunday)]


BS, Me, 41
WH, 41
Married 12yrs, Together 17yrs
D-day #1 May 25, 2009
D-day #2 June 21, 2009
8 yr old Son
19 yr old Step Daughter
In Recovery

Posts: 226 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: The South
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, June 14th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question:

So, if you are a remorseful WS who has had a successful R, especially those of you whose Ddays are long ago, what do you/ did you need to FEEL forgiven, to really feel it in your bones that R was there? I just read a post from HUFI in another forum, and one thing he said was that the WS lives with this fear that another mistake would be the straw that breaks the camel's back and ends the marriage.

I mean, people want to make their spouses happy. They want to be happy. They want to be accepted for who they are. They want the intimacy of being able to tell someone their deepest secrets, the dark parts of themselves. The A is a wedge between you -- how did your BS remove that wedge and cement the gap back together?

I so desperately want my WS to know that he is still loved and respected and valued so much. He made a mistake. A horrible, crappy, hurtful mistake. It sucks. It doesn't make him a horrible guy, it makes him a guy who has done a craptastic thing. I've done some craptastic things too -- some of them even to him. Ok I'm rambling. I hope some of you can answer this question.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, June 14th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455 -

what do you/ did you need to FEEL forgiven, to really feel it in your bones that R was there?

Every person is different. This may be something you need to ask your H about.

For me... I never needed forgiveness. I don't expect it, I don't ask for it, I don't think about it. To me, forgiveness is overrated. All that matters to me is that I do what is true to myself, and that has nothing to do with my husband.

I just read a post from HUFI in another forum, and one thing he said was that the WS lives with this fear that another mistake would be the straw that breaks the camel's back and ends the marriage.

Yeah, but I caused that, so it's not something that hangs over my head. I think it's worse to be the betrayed spouse, to have to worry about the wayward spouse having an affair, because it has been proven that the WS can and is/was willing to have one.

The A is a wedge between you -- how did your BS remove that wedge and cement the gap back together?

I don't know how my husband did it. All I know is the affair wedge is not there. He has never used the A against me, he has never called me a "WS", he just keeps seeing the good in me. I don't deserve him.

The SA wedge that I put there is there - but that is something I am working on.

I so desperately want my WS to know that he is still loved and respected and valued so much.

I am sure he knows it already.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
taschic
New Member
Member # 28748
Sad  Posted: 6:51 PM, June 16th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 year ago my WS and I became friends with another family who had just moved to our State. We were both very excited as we all got on so well. The other couple had 4 children and we had 4 children and even better still, they all got on well too.
Very quickly The soon to be OW and I became best friends, also my husband and her seemed to strike up a friendship which I felt uncomfortable about from day 1. I spoke of it to my WS all the time and he would tell me I have nothing to worry about and am making a small thing into a big deal... usual thing said to me.

As I sai, in a short amount of time we squeezed in a lot of spent time with this family. Phoneing every day, seeing each other every weekend, sometimes all weekend. Day trips, camping etc... My best friend and I saw each other nearly every day, I looked after her kids, she looked after mine. Through all this I was still struggling with my husbands friendship with her and would still say so and say so to her. They would tell me that they were just likea brother and sister etc....
Long story short, 9 months later I find a love letter etc... confront the both of themand it turns out they have been having an affair, EA started 2 weeks after we met them and 3 months later the PA started. It stopped or so I thought when I found out. Found out 3 weeks ago my WS finally put a stop to it again... having spoken to her every day and had sex with her maybe 1 or 2 times as well. We are now nearing week 3 of no contact, yes my husband is in love with this woman. He wants to be with his family and make it right for us and fall back in love with me, but he is desperate to talk with OW as he is in love with her. He is going through withdrawals, anxiety, crying, his body shakes, he falls asleep every time he sits down. We are separated at the minute, but see each other every day.

Have any of you been inthe same circumstances. At first I thought he really didn't love her, he was just confused. He has been with her on and off for 1 year and 14 years wiht me... I just don't get how he can turn off his feelings for me saying I love you but not in love with you and she is my soul mate and I just don't know if i can do this to saying he can do this... Please help me understand. Will he ever get over her or will OW be like a noose aound my neck for life?


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2010
coping2010
♀ Member
Member # 28328
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, June 18th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are 8 weeks out from d-day and for the most part doing okay. I have been going to IC and WH has gone with me twice. I asked him to go with me again next week and he said he didn't want to because it messed him up too much. He said he would go if I wanted him too. While I appreciate that, if he is going just because I want him to, then what is the point? Today he was doing fine, then all of the sudden he was very sad again. Says he gets depressed because he is waiting for me to tell him to leave. At this point, not gonna happen, but I don't know how much longer I can take his moods. I am already taking prozac, just upped the dose, go figure, and try really hard to stay in the postive, but his sadness is killing me. I asked him today to make an appointment with an IC he has seen once and he told me he didn't want to and didn't want someone telling him he needed to go. So what do I do? Right now, I am in here on the computer and he is just sitting in the living room feeling sorry for himself. I have told him that I am okay with where I am right now, but I can't help him be okay with himself. He won't get help though. Should I give him more time? Should I push him? Should I just ignore his bad moods? I don't know what to say or do..


BS - Me, 45, WS - Him, 45
Married 22 years
2 sons, 21 and 18
DDay 4/9/2010, the rest 4/16/2010, R - 4/17/10
9/6/10 - He moved out.
9/23/10 - filed for divorce
11/5/10 - divorce final.

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2010
Tried23
♀ Member
Member # 21076
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, June 18th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coping 2010 - Has he been complete NC with the OP? If yes, he is still in withdrawal of the OP. It's one of the most difficult things to overcome. Somewhat like a drug addict or alcoholic having to overcome an addiction.

If you are giving him the chance to rebuild and he understands your boundaries, give him time to get over it. It took me way too long to realize that our marriage is where I wanted to be. My husband did the 180 on me and it made me see clearly through the fog.

It's hard but you can get through this if you both want to.

[This message edited by Tried23 at 10:26 PM, June 18th (Friday)]


Me: FWS (me) 48
Husband: BS 44
Married: 14 Years, 2 kids (14 and 13)
D-Day 1: 07/27/08
D-Day 2: 4/15/09 Same OM
D-Day 3: 3/2/2010 All disclosed
Reconciling

Posts: 375 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: MN
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