Her looking at his online profile sounds like a way to keep her end of the A addiction fueled. She may be reminiscing or wanting to feel the residual "thrill" of the A (as she remembers it).
FSOW - late 30's, married now.
I need to know about the fog and its affect on you during the A. My WH moved out on D DAY...he told me the day he left that he had feelings for OW but that he loved me and did not want a divorce. He left to stay with a friend because he needed time to think. I asked him not to speak to her(she is an employee at the store he manages) anymore because he needed to think about his family. i left with our son so he could pack a bag. I checked his call log the next day and they had spoken about 18 times in a 24 hour period, the first being 5 minutes after I left. I called him and he said he wanted a divorce and had not loved me in years. He said that he wanted to be with her and that she was going to leave her H for him. He did not know how old she was or if she had kids(34 years, 2 small boys). He said that they had a passionate and emotional relationship, which had been going on a month.
he is currently living in the attic at a friends house with pics of her all over the walls. She still has not told her H anything. He confirmed yesterday that their relationship has become physical and that he still wanted a divorce. i reminded him that while he gave up everything for her she is scrambling to cover this up to her husband.i told him that this wasn't real and that he would regret it and one day want to come home. he said that all he wanted was to be with her and that he will never want to return.
I know that there was love between us. I noticed changes in him when he met her(becoming distant,cold and not coming to bed) but I KNOW that he has loved me all these years. I never once doubted how much we meant to each other. He is a Christian and was song leader at our church but he walked away from that too. he doesn't believe in what he is doing.
He went to his boss today and asked to be transfered so he could pursue a realtionship with her.
my question is , is this the fog? I can't wrap my head around any of this. Could someone explain it to me please.He is going to ruin his life and nothing i say will get thru to him. i keep telling him that I know he is a better man than this and that he will regret this but he just blows me off. he is telling everyone that he has been unhappy for years and even they say that they have known us for forever and that they know better but all he sees is his life with her. Is she gonna leave her H too? Can the "high" from all this be THAT powerful? Sorry so long...PM's are welcome too
[This message edited by BillieJean at 9:40 PM, June 7th (Monday)]
It's not my place to answer because I'm a BS, but it sounds like you should just let him go. He'll get his just desserts.
It was hard for me to come to this realization with my wife because I love her and hate the fact that she's throwing us away for this fantasy, but you have to look out for #1. That means moving on.
My question: Did any WS share secrets, fantasies, or anything with the OP that you have never shared with your BS? If so, why is it easier for you to share things with the OP and not your BS?
I will take a stab at this for you. It's not quite my situation as I was always able to be very open with my exBH, but I can understand this mindset enough to make an educated guess. I think it's because there's no real "risk" to sharing these types of things with the AP. The WS knows that the AP isn't going to judge them or not respect them for what they say (because just by virtue of being a willing participant in affair behavior, the AP kind of gives up that 'right', so to speak). And, probably, again given the fact that it is an affair relationship and not "real life," the WS probably wouldn't care whether the AP would look askance at their secrets.
I think the fantasy aspect of most As also plays a role. The AP is person with whom the WS can completely let down their guard, because in the end the affair relationship usually doesn't mean anything of substance. It is a fix, an escape, a departure from reality for a little while. With the BS, within the marital/committed relationship, the WS might find themselves worrying about the real-life ramifications of sharing such an intimate part of themselves (vulnerability, etc).
It's really all ass-backwards (as most things actually are in the WS mind during & immediately after the affair). The intimacy and sharing should be placed with the BS, and the AP should be the one held at arm's length.
Married 2.5 years
Reconciling after divorce
I know WH shared his deep dark secrets with MOW, and also shared his fantasies with MOW.
Heartbroken0903 said it very well.
Having said that... how would you react if he told you his deep dark secrets? I didn't have any deep dark secrets to tell the xOM - they all came out afterwards, during IC. So, only my husband knows.
But, I can tell you that it is very awkward for me, knowing that he knows so much about me. That he was there for every step of the discoveries. It is good, in a way - it's freeing. But, overall, it is awkward. Sometimes, it's easier talking about some of this (deep dark secrets and fantasies) with someone who has no vested interest in you.
I think he is still pining for her even though he says he hates her. Can someone please tell me if this is actually possible?
Of course it is possible that he hates her. However, he needs to work it through so that she is inconsequential to him. The goal is indifference. Hate means there is still some emotion left.
There was a time when I was very nervous every time I was confronted with a photograph of the xOM. Last night, I saw his photograph again and felt... nothing. It felt like I never even knew him.
Thank You! For all you do for us BS her on SI!
My husband did not want to end his affair and was upset when it was exposed. He says it woke him up and that he is done with the affair. If he had to be forced to end the affair due to exposure and was pissed because of it, what are the chances that he truly is done and won't want to rekindle with this person or another?
An affair is like a drug and once you are about to have that drug taken away it will be met with anger, humiliation, and embarrassment by the WS. It also is a wake up call to a lot of WS's and they begin to see reality instead of the fantasy the affair created.
Many WS's "fall off the wagon" and make contact again after DDay. That is why you must have precautions in place to ensure it doesn't happen if you are wanting to R with your WS.
You can never control anyone, but if the WS is willing to go by your demands in order for you to feel safe, hold them to it.
Verify as much as you need to until you feel you can trust again.
[This message edited by floridaredman at 12:18 PM, June 12th (Saturday)]
Why was he pissed? Because he could no longer see her or because he was publicly embarrassed or something else?
It looks like you have already had another D-Day. Was that because the affair continued? I read through a few of your posts as well and see that this was not his first A and that he is refusing to be intimate with you.
Everyone is different. So yes, he could just be feeling guilt and shame and the anger is an expression of that. It could be that the lack of sexual activity is an expression of that too. On the other hand, the OM and I went underground for several months after D-Day and the behavior was a lot the same for us. Neither of us had sex with our spouses, so that would be a red flag for me as well.
Are you in MC together? Is he in IC? Even if this A is over, the fact that he's had more than one and does not really seem to be looking inward at why he made his choices makes the risk of another A or resumption of this one much higher.
The most important thing is that he drags it all out into the light of day and really examines his choices, so that he can address whatever is broken inside him and protect your marriage against another betrayal down the line.
That does make sense. Your right it is very ass backwards!
how would you react if he told you his deep dark secrets?
One problem with WH is that he is always worried about what other people think about him. I have told WH many times that I would never think differently of him no matter what he told me, and I would never judge him. I am by no means perfect and have made many mistakes in my life, and WH has never thought differently of me from the mistakes I've made. Just like I wouldn't think differently of him. WH does know secrets about me and my past, that no one else knows.
I do understand that it's easier to tell someone other than your spouse certain things. I just hate that fact!
[This message edited by Nicki519 at 4:37 PM, June 13th (Sunday)]
So, if you are a remorseful WS who has had a successful R, especially those of you whose Ddays are long ago, what do you/ did you need to FEEL forgiven, to really feel it in your bones that R was there? I just read a post from HUFI in another forum, and one thing he said was that the WS lives with this fear that another mistake would be the straw that breaks the camel's back and ends the marriage.
I mean, people want to make their spouses happy. They want to be happy. They want to be accepted for who they are. They want the intimacy of being able to tell someone their deepest secrets, the dark parts of themselves. The A is a wedge between you -- how did your BS remove that wedge and cement the gap back together?
I so desperately want my WS to know that he is still loved and respected and valued so much. He made a mistake. A horrible, crappy, hurtful mistake. It sucks. It doesn't make him a horrible guy, it makes him a guy who has done a craptastic thing. I've done some craptastic things too -- some of them even to him. Ok I'm rambling. I hope some of you can answer this question.
what do you/ did you need to FEEL forgiven, to really feel it in your bones that R was there?
Every person is different. This may be something you need to ask your H about.
For me... I never needed forgiveness. I don't expect it, I don't ask for it, I don't think about it. To me, forgiveness is overrated. All that matters to me is that I do what is true to myself, and that has nothing to do with my husband.
I just read a post from HUFI in another forum, and one thing he said was that the WS lives with this fear that another mistake would be the straw that breaks the camel's back and ends the marriage.
Yeah, but I caused that, so it's not something that hangs over my head. I think it's worse to be the betrayed spouse, to have to worry about the wayward spouse having an affair, because it has been proven that the WS can and is/was willing to have one.
The A is a wedge between you -- how did your BS remove that wedge and cement the gap back together?
I don't know how my husband did it. All I know is the affair wedge is not there. He has never used the A against me, he has never called me a "WS", he just keeps seeing the good in me. I don't deserve him.
The SA wedge that I put there is there - but that is something I am working on.
I so desperately want my WS to know that he is still loved and respected and valued so much.
I am sure he knows it already.
As I sai, in a short amount of time we squeezed in a lot of spent time with this family. Phoneing every day, seeing each other every weekend, sometimes all weekend. Day trips, camping etc... My best friend and I saw each other nearly every day, I looked after her kids, she looked after mine. Through all this I was still struggling with my husbands friendship with her and would still say so and say so to her. They would tell me that they were just likea brother and sister etc....
Long story short, 9 months later I find a love letter etc... confront the both of themand it turns out they have been having an affair, EA started 2 weeks after we met them and 3 months later the PA started. It stopped or so I thought when I found out. Found out 3 weeks ago my WS finally put a stop to it again... having spoken to her every day and had sex with her maybe 1 or 2 times as well. We are now nearing week 3 of no contact, yes my husband is in love with this woman. He wants to be with his family and make it right for us and fall back in love with me, but he is desperate to talk with OW as he is in love with her. He is going through withdrawals, anxiety, crying, his body shakes, he falls asleep every time he sits down. We are separated at the minute, but see each other every day.
Have any of you been inthe same circumstances. At first I thought he really didn't love her, he was just confused. He has been with her on and off for 1 year and 14 years wiht me... I just don't get how he can turn off his feelings for me saying I love you but not in love with you and she is my soul mate and I just don't know if i can do this to saying he can do this... Please help me understand. Will he ever get over her or will OW be like a noose aound my neck for life?
If you are giving him the chance to rebuild and he understands your boundaries, give him time to get over it. It took me way too long to realize that our marriage is where I wanted to be. My husband did the 180 on me and it made me see clearly through the fog.
It's hard but you can get through this if you both want to.
[This message edited by Tried23 at 10:26 PM, June 18th (Friday)]