This is complicated by my two year wandering where I slept with many different women. My ww still carries that pain.
She became involved in EA (probably not PA, although they met twice). She brought him into our house, rode around with him in our car, talked for hours with him on IM, told him she loved him. All this within a few weeks of him rentering her life. He was an old HS bf from 40 years ago.
I confronted her for a second time in four nights with what I know - she has admitted everything.
But, she says because of what I did, and how much she hurts, I have no real right to hurt.
She says she wants to r.
I told her I had spyed on her with keylogger for the past four days, and removed it. (She was royally pissed, and couldn't believe I had done that "You have shown your true colors.")
I told her I had contacted a divorce attorney. (She was royally pissed. "You are just worried about money").
I am leaving it in her hands to suggest how to r.
I am doing 180 as best I can. (Although I do tell her I love her, because that is true for me.)
I told her I wasn't going to ask her about what she was doing and not going to spy on her anymore (that's very hard....)
It's really in her hands right now, but I can take care of myself.....
Any observations? Insights into what is in her mind?
The next thing in my life will be better - because I am better.
My question: Did any WS share secrets, fantasies, or anything with the OP that you have never shared with your BS? If so, why is it easier for you to share things with the OP and not your BS?
Nicki, I'm not a WS but rather the BS so sorry for answering....
My WH shared his fantasies with his MOW although he's never shared them with me. Their A didn't last very long, about 7 weeks but the physical part had a sexual fantasy theme to it. I was very hurt by this aspect of the A alone. We had been married all these years so why didn't he tell me? I'm an open minded, life loving, sex loving person but nope...MOW got the intimacy instead.
Why? Because he had nothing to lose with her and therefore he felt comfortable to take a risk.
My H had a LTA over 2 years. When I found out the 1st ime he swore he ended it, but they just went underground. OW bought him a secret cell phone and paid for it every month.
Then in Feb if this year I found out they were still together. We were living in Illinois at the time. I told him I was packing me and the kids and I was moving back to our home state 900 miles away. I told him I was done.
Long story short, he did end up coming with us, but he told OW he was not coming with us and that he would be at her house.
She ended up texting me a few days later, asking if I was happy.
Anyways, they talked a few times, she would block her number so I didnt know it was her (even though I knew) and she would call from friends house, then they emailed each other.
Now my question is, why did he move with us? Why did he tell OW he was coming with us and that he would move in with her? Why after me moved 900 miles away from OW, would he still talk to her? Why when I kicked him out did he stay with OW both times? Why was it so hard to let OW go?
As far as I can see he has not talked to her in about a month maybe more. But all these questions are still there.
I guess I also wanna know from WS, would you ever cheat on your spouse again?
Don't listen to him...It's all words..Look for his actions! I am looking, but I can't see any action!
[This message edited by GroundZero at 10:24 AM, June 3rd (Thursday)]
Thanks so much for your brutal honesty. I'm glad you're certain about your decision to D -- your xBH sounds like kind of a jerk.
It seems strange to me that you believe you had a true love with OM but you can't be together, but what do I know...
Good luck finding a job and getting your life together, and thanks again.
WHY,... PLEASE... WHY,.. why would a former ow want to defame the BS and distribute lies about the BS and the children of her former MM?
I do not understand why someone would defame someone they did not know, never met, just becasue their former MM 'threw them under the bus'. Imean, surely when someone becomes involved in these situations they realize there is an innocent party who knows nothing of the situation.
[This message edited by moreroses at 10:16 AM, June 3rd (Thursday)]
"And the stars that we could reach were just starfish on the beach"-French folksong
Please help me understand how someone can put OW ahead of their own flesh and blood...
Sometimes, when something does not relate... it takes awhile for someone to answer a question. The Waywards on this site have stopped their affairs - that is the rule. So you will likely not find many WSes who put the Other Person ahead of their children. Possibly they did for a short while, but not now.
I never did and I never would.
My guess is this is an exit affair, he feels that everything is hopeless, it takes too much energy to try to be a good father when he is beating himself up for being a failure of a man, so he has given up.
I don't want to think my sitch is hopeless but I guess I have no choice but to proceed with our plan of fixing house/selling and moving on..
In the meantime I will 180 and make the positive changes for myself and kids and hope that maybe he realizes what he is losing...
She keeps saying she wants a D and when I ask her why, she just says she doesn't want to be M any more. No other reason.
What could this mean?
stuck808 - My WW and I have been separated for 6 months now. She has never apologized for her A, though I see she seems ashamed and depressed. She keeps saying she wants a D and when I ask her why, she just says she doesn't want to be M any more. No other reason. What could this mean?
Sadly enough, perhaps her words have to be taken at face value. It could be that she doesn’t want to be married to you anymore. It could be that simple. It simply could be that she, for one or more reasons, has decided that she wants to move on.
You say that you have been separated and I would have to ask if she has showed any willingness to attempt reconciliation since you were separated. If she has made no attempt at R during the last 6 months, then it would appear that she has checked out emotionally on your marriage.
Perhaps the question that needs to be answered is why? Is her apathy and lack of direction as sign of clinical depression or is it merely that affair and its aftermath have clarified her feelings regarding the marriage? Are you in IC or MC of any form? If you are, this is the question that has to be asked now. The two of you should not be living in some god forsaken limbo indefinitely.
An affair is a cry for help. It shakes you to wake you. Only people who are in some kind of emotional pain commit adultery - Dr. Weil
Sometimes, in the aftermath of the affair, as ones thoughts crystallize on the how and why of the affair, it can occur that the WS makes the decision that they do not want to stay in the marriage.
I can only recommend a direct question that brooks no evasive answer. Shit or get off the pot time.
Demand that she DECIDE. CHOOSE. COMMIT. PERIOD.
And you might have to be STRONG. LION STRONG. ROAAR!.
why would a former ow want to defame the BS and distribute lies about the BS and the children of her former MM?
simply put, because she was rejected. That is a damaged, damaged individual prior to the A, most likely, and thus lashing out at the first thing she thinks is the reason for the destruction of her fairytale.
It's demented, yes, but it is an explanation. I'm so sorry if you're going through this
FSOW - mid 30's now
She's got more going on with her internally than she's letting on, I think. Probably an unbelievable amount of shame and personal embarrassment. I went through the same thing as a single OW when I broke the A off. There wasn't even a way to describe the level of self-loathing I went through. No way to put it into words. As someone who stuck herself immediately into counseling, I highly recommend it.
Did your BS accuse you of having an A before having "proof." If so, did you continue the A, and was it made more passionate by this knowledge?
When you were presented with evidence of the affair, how long did you continue to gaslight?
What finally made you give in and admit it?
Thanks for your answers. I'm dealing with a WW who knows I don't have "legally admissible" proof and also knows I have enough proof for myself. She's gaslighting and trying to make me believe I'm nuts. I most definitely am not.
One of the problems I see that we are running into is anger on the part of my fWH. It isn't the same type of defensive anger as when he was in the A. It seems more like a generalized anger and frustration.
I was talking to a friend about the stages of grief and we talked about the anger stage. And it hit me ...
fWH and OW were together for 2 years. Yes, their relationship was illicit - but they both believed it to be love. They talked of "forever" and the possibility of marriage. At some point fWH believed himself to feel true love for her. And well ... if you think it is love then it probably is love, on some level.
The thing is that OW broke it off with him ... AFTER she found another guy. Which means that she cheated on fWH. I realize that sounds kind of twisted ... I mean my husband's married mistress cheated on him with another (3rd) man. And then after she came to believe that the relationship with the 3rd guy "had a future" she dumped fWH.
So it is possible, if not probable, that he is grieving the loss of OW - even as he is trying to rebuild our marriage.
From your experience as a WS, is it possible that his anger is both self-directed (guilt and remorse) and directed at OW, even though I bear the brunt of it?
[This message edited by SouthernGal at 1:44 PM, June 6th (Sunday)]
FWH's A is long over. OW reconciled with her BH and they moved away. NC was established but she broke it a year later so a NC letter was sent. Now I find she is looking at FWH's profile on social networking sites. What could she be hoping to see?
Thanks for your insights.
So it is possible, if not probable, that he is grieving the loss of OW - even as he is trying to rebuild our marriage.
Yes, I think that it is quite possible. I don't know all the details of your situation, but if your fWH was in a LTA with this woman and ILYs were exchanged with feeling, he probably is mourning the loss of her - and that comes with anger. Especially if he feels she "betrayed" him, as absurd as that seems in this scenario. I am still dealing with the end of the A (anger and missing him and that fantasy) and I am at about the same point as your fWH in terms of when it ended.
I am also sure that he feels a great deal of guilt and anger directed at himself for the destructive choices he's made, and probably also for having feelings still at all about MOW. I know I get tremendously angry and frustrated with myself that OM still takes up space in my head and in my heart. Sometimes all that anger, even though it may have nothing to do with anything you've done, gets redirected your way. It shouldn't, and he needs to make an effort to be aware of his actions of misplacing his anger to you and control them.
JMHO - It sounds like she's thinking of him and sniffing around for clues as to what his current status is - where he's living/working/marital status. Sounds like all is not well with her and her BH. It may be something she's idly doing when things are tough and she thinks back to how nice the fantasy and validation the A were, so she pokes around in the "I wonder what he's up to?" vein, with no intention to follow up. Or she may be checking to see because she wants to contact him again and she wants to see if he's married or where he works. It's hard to tell without more, but cause for vigilance I guess - though in the end what she does doesn't matter. Do you have any reason to believe that your husband still has any feelings for this person? That he would react to contact with anything other than telling you about it immediately and ignoring her or sending another NC letter after you decide together the course of action?
Do you have any reason to believe that your husband still has any feelings for this person? That he would react to contact with anything other than telling you about it immediately and ignoring her or sending another NC letter after you decide together the course of action?
I have no reason to think he has any feelings for her at all, other than a sort of fear of what her reappearance could do to us (meaning my reaction, not his reaction to her). He has been transparent and loving and working very hard for a long time now at regaining my love and trust. I don't know how he'd react to contact, though. I know what he says he would do, we have discussed it, but what he would actually do...? I know that validation and ego-stroke would have a very powerful pull, and he is a conflict avoider so... I keep wondering if I should give her BH a heads-up or wait to see if she actually makes contact.
This is so painful and it just never ends. Even when I believe I can trust him I can never trust her.
eta clarification of a point
[This message edited by hissadwife at 2:25 PM, June 6th (Sunday)]