Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Lost1960 (43229)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's IV
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, March 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So essentially, the fact that he has to remind himself that he's doing this stuff to "make up" for the pain he caused and has to talk himself out of his resentment is a pretty big red flag? And WS that truly 'get it' also understand that the whole thing needs to be scrapped and remade. Together. Not just hitting the reset button and starting over the way it was before. Is that the takeaway?
It is a red flag but now that you have confirmed the SAHM sitch, it is a red flag regarding your WH attitude about what M is. You are right about the reset button. That implies that you just scrap everything and try again when in fact you have to rebuild using the pieces of the M that was shattered. It can't be forgotten.

It is likely going to be a huge task for your WH to change his view of your M. I think he can do it, but he has to change his attitude from expecting things to being grateful for things.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6060 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, March 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dismantled -

My WH made a comment last night about those acts that was something like "sometimes I get resentful and wonder why I have to come home from work and roll up my sleeves when Ive seen you're having another difficult day and haven't done much around the house.

This is not affair-related. Your husband does not understand what it's like to be a SAHM. He needs to take a week off while you go relax somewhere. You can come home every night at 6pm and help him out, but he must be on his own for the whole day.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, March 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Dismantled,

So, here it is: as a WS, did the actions that you did out of remorse to get your marriage back on track and prove your commitment sometimes leave a bitter, resentful taste in your mouth? Or did these things come easily because you couldn't do enough to show them that you get it, because you know that during the A you weren't 'there' as much as you should've been and you're making up for that now by shouldering the greater part of the burden?

You are bringing up several questions here.

I want to cover the "resentful" comment your H made. Doing things around the house doesn't prove that a wayward "get's it". It just shows that he want's to see things done around the house... Nothing more, nothing less.

When my wife and I began working the Marriage Builders Program, we learned one of my top 5 emotional needs was Domestic Support. This was as important to me as Conversation was to her. She of course was physically and mentally unable to meet this need very well after my A, so it became necessary for me to pitch in and help in this area. She took over in this area again after about a year of recovery. But the need is real for me. It fills up my love cup just as conversation fills up hers. No, I don't need to be a SAHD for a week in order to understand what she does all day, and No, it didn't help my marriage recover by doing more of the domestic support... It just meant the work got done! I do know that when one spouse is unable or unwilling to meet a high need of the others, resentment will usually follow after a period of time.

One thing I would highly suggest to you is to schedule 15 hours of time together each week meeting each others intimate needs (time that doesn't include others). The intimate needs, as they were taught to me, include, Coversation, Recreation Companionship, Affection and Sexual Fulfilment. This is one of the tools I have seen used that restores love to a marriage quicker than anything else.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
1DLW
♀ Member
Member # 21971
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, March 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Devestatedx5,
I think you absolutely should tell your WH how you're feeling. He may know something just isn't right, but he probably doesn't know why.
There are often times my BH seems in a "funk" and I usually have to really push him to get the reason.
I hate it that I don't always know exactly what is bothering him , but I absolutely refuse to guess, guessing how he felt is what started my downward spiral in the first place.
The thing is, we all need positive reinforcment. If we are doing for our partner, we like for them to be happy and let us know. That goes for either BS or WS.
If we hear," i like when you hold my hand" we tend to hold their hand more.
I just want to know everything, tell me what I'm doing right so I can keep it up....Tel me what I'm doing wrong so I can change that.
Communication.... I really believe R is impossible without it.


WS 42

Posts: 483 | Registered: Dec 2008
dismantled
Member
Member # 26887
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, March 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is likely going to be a huge task for your WH to change his view of your M. I think he can do it, but he has to change his attitude from expecting things to being grateful for things.
This has been, for me, especially difficult on the heels of his affair. His notion of relationships was already skewed before the affair due to his lack of involvement in day to day realities. Add in to that the fantasy life with OW. She had the time to really talk to him and just hang out and do nothing-- so that began to feel a whole lot more enticing to him. He couldn't feel gratitude because he never noticed or realized the things I did for him. It didn't matter if every decision I made throughout the day had him in mind, all she had to do was listen to him talk for 10 minutes and she came out on top. I can understand how he might feel overwhelmed; there is an enormous amount of work to do just coming to grips with the realities of owning a home, paying bills, and raising four small kids; that's all before we even touch on the affair related damage.
UnexpectedSong, I get where you're coming from on him spending time here alone. Since I enrolled in school he's been doing more of that- one full day a week with the kids on his own, including making dinner; and one day that he has to get the kids up, dressed and to school/babysitters. This experience has caused him to stop being outright angry with me for not getting things done, or for being too drained to really talk at the end of the night- he used to just assume it was a lack of interest rather than the mental exhaustion of the day. He seems more understanding now about that.
Doing things around the house doesn't prove that a wayward "get's it". It just shows that he want's to see things done around the house... Nothing more, nothing less.
I asked for clarification on the resentment comment and he said he doesn't resent me per se, more the fact that it has to be done. I'm not sure I see a distinction, but he seems sincere. Card, I've not read much about the emotional needs on Marriage Builders, but I will, thanks for the recommendation. I know off the bat mine is probably domestic support. For me to feel like a couple, and feel seen and noticed, I need to be partners in the stuff that has to be done, so that we can enjoy the fun things together. I'm so tired of feeling alone all the time. Tired of making big decisions alone-- I can talk to him about it, but ultimately it's always my decision and that's hard after a while. He 'jokingly' will refer to me as "the Boss" and that is like a nightmare to me. I don't want to be anyone's boss. I wanted partnership. Nothing more, nothing less. After thinking about it though, I can't even imagine what his emotional need would be. The only thing Ive ever been aware of his is insatiable need for acknowledgment, pats on the back, compliments and attention.

[This message edited by dismantled at 5:32 PM, March 22nd (Monday)]


Me-BW
Dday: 1-24-08, Two years of false R and Dday after Dday after Dday after Dday ever since...

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
-- Agnes Repplier


Posts: 216 | Registered: Dec 2009
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, March 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BW and would like to get some input from WH's.

First I will give a brief history.
ME--Dealt, on my own(told no one), with a childhood SA for 31 years.
Married, just had 3rd child.
Abuser(uncle) had contact with me..couldn't deal with it sought SAC.
Told H..he got slowly distant..now says it was to give me space to deal with it...I took it as rejection. This caused trouble in M. We separated for 14 months, I was still going thru SAC... I tried working on my issues with us..he got more distant. Then he asked to come back when he sensed that I had given up.
Things were ok...then got worse in M to the point that I was ready to leave.
Then(after 8 years), in Dec. /09 I found out that I had H2..confronted him and he finally confessed to several ONS's with same girl from a bar without protection, while we were separated.
We have been married 25 1/2 years now.

I have extended the olive branch several times only to get rejected. He had many reasons--didn't want to hurt me anymore than he already has
--it has been so long since we have been intimate
--he doesn't know if he can be commited to me because of my attitude.( I did want to talk about his cheating..I have told him that it hurt when he left me when I needed him most(during SAC), I do want to know why he won't even(now) touch me or let me touch him.)

OK now for the questions

---Am I wrong for wanting to ask these questions...for wanting to know where I stand with him regarding this M? No it is not everyday I can go for weeks without starting a talk or I can want it every few days at times. If I did not start these talks we would just go on being civil to one another(room-mates) and I felt it was just building resentment on my part.
---Did you have trouble trying to be intimate or even just touching your BW after D-day?
If so why?
And how can us BW's handle this situation with you?

I have tried to show him affection in small ways(baby steps
It didn't go over well...then I started to talk about him leaving..bc I just couldn't do this anymore.
Then he kissed me on the head at night in bed and gave me a hug.
I asked him why now ..when I have asked for this as something I need..he couldn't do it then, but now that I talk about giving up he can give me what I need.
He got angry about me wanting to analyze everything he did...I apologized and we ended up just holding each other.

Now I wonder if I am just giving in too easily and will just get hurt again.
I maybe have to just learn to go with the flow.

I'm sorry this is sooo long and thank you ahead of time for at least reading this.

[This message edited by deena at 1:46 PM, March 23rd (Tuesday)]


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2500 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My idea - good or bad?
Long story short: my h accepted a cell phone from ow 2wks after DDay so they could talk. I found out, I flipped out, he says he gave back the phone & called it off (but refused to let me listen in on the call breaking it up). Says nc ever since. Yet, he's lied to me about his whereabouts on a number of occasions over the past 6 months & while he is nicer & more attentive at home, it's just hard to trust that it's over given the circumstances. I really cannot heal until I know the A is really over. I had installed a tracking device in his car hoping it would show nothing & give me peace of mind - instead all it gave me was proof that he was at best still lying to me, and at worst, still with ow. (His job is truly ideal for an A - I really would never know if he was seeing her at work).
So, I put a var in his car - again - hoping to find nothing, but he finds it the 1st day it's there & flips out - say's he feels like he's in jail & during one of our exchanges about the incident tells me I put it there "to catch him". Sounds guilty as hell to me.
So, here I am, not knowing if he's still seeing ow or not. He refuses a polygraph (says he knows how his body will react & won't do it), but did agree to go to ic; the tracking device (along with any other device tied to his car) is useless as he now knows about it when I confronted him with the results. Clearly he wouldn't use his car to see ow.
My idea: should I ask h to call ow (it's been 7 mos since DDay)& let me listen in. Have him call to say just seeing what's going on & to ask if she's going to an upcoming work related event (former co-workers)as his wife will be going with him & maybe she would want to reconsider going. To me, it sounds plausible, doesn't necessarily open the door for ow to rekindle relationship if my h handles it right. I'm hoping to learn from the conversation that she really sounds surprised to hear from him, something to make me feel like ok - there's been nc.
Obviously, I'm concerned about the impact this may have on my h.
What do you think?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
cantbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he sorry? At MC the other day, my H answered one of my questions. How could you do this? His answer...(lack of sex on my part) for sex and that he could keep it a secret. WTF!!!


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Deena,'even though I'm not a husband, I'd like to respond to your questions.
Am I wrong for wanting to ask these questions...for wanting to know where I stand with him regarding this M?
No. You're a part of this marriage and you should know how its other parts are doing, and how that affects the whole. Looks like your husband is avoiding anything that could remotely threaten his sense of ease - not realizing that he's making both of you miserable that way.

Did you have trouble trying to be intimate or even just touching your BW after D-day?
No, but I never perceived him as having sexual problems in any way. Perhaps your husband is very scared of hurting you, or just avoiding trouble in general. I see progress in your hugging and his kissing the top of your head. Physical intimacy can and should be built on basics. I would like to encourage him to touch you in ways that feel right to both of you. It seems he's either holding back or just not interested. Could you find out?

~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
the fsc
♂ Member
Member # 23028
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnames,

First and foremost, it is NEVER a good idea to contact OW/OM. Even if your WH has been NC with her until this point, just one phone call will let her know that "it's ON" again.

Secondly, you can't live your life in fear. He is cake-eating, he is taking advantage of you. He has proven that he is not transparent, as he is still lying to you on a regular basis. In my opinion, you need to go 180. Accepting and continuously allowing him this behaviour will only fuel his feelings of entitlement. He owes you absolute transparency.


WH - (45) Me
BS - (44) Her (Redrock)

D Day 3/23/2008
Easter


Posts: 165 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Michigan
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you - I knew it was a bad idea (I thought of this months ago), I guess I'm just gettng so despertate now that I was willing to take the risk.
Thanks for reminding me.
And, fsc - I know you are right. I am scared and I want to take control. As much as I want us to be together, I would honestly prefer that he just end it if he's not happy or can't be committed. I just can't stand where we are now for much longer,yet I don't want to live with the possibility that I gave up too soon.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
hopelessromantic
♀ Member
Member # 25415
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remorseful WS's - please help me out!

My H and I were talking last night and the subject came up about my feelings and the need to talk about a trigger, or bad feeling I have and he shared with me how he feels like I'm "beating him up" every time or "throwing it at him every chance I get". And that's not it AT ALL. I simply need to "get it out" so it doesn't build up.

So I proceeded to tell him that regardless of what he's done, "my love for him is as strong as ever, it's unconditional."

He comes back with this: "sometimes I find that hard to believe after what I've done" WTH does that mean?? So then I said, "so would you rather I didn't love you as much?" (at this point I'm confused as hell) and he says, "at least I would understand that, I don't understand how you can love me like you do knowing what I did"

And I found this quote in another thread this morning from a WS,

Some WS's feel so unlovable, we have a hard time accepting that love again

so my question is, why is this?? Why is it so hard for a WS to accept unconditional love from their BS? Because for me, that's what it has to be to continue loving someone who hurts you so badly as a WS hurts a BS, so if your BS is willing to give that kind of love, why can't the WS accept it with open arms?? I've always been one to give myself whole-heartedly and that's why this betrayal shit hurts so much, but I don't understand why he is having a hard time accepting it for what it is?

(edited for typos :) )

[This message edited by hopelessromantic at 9:12 AM, March 26th (Friday)]


BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest
woundedspouse
♀ Member
Member # 16657
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question is also posted in general, but I would love to get WSs point of view / perspective on this.

Can you tell me what love "FEELS" like to you, both loving someone and being loved?

Do you think there is a big difference on how love FEELs to men vs. women?


I think we all see / feel view love differently. I personally am very in tune with my feelings. I know what love feels like to me.

I wonder how different my view / feelings about love are.

Obviously there are different types and stages of love. I am speaking of romantic love.... from beginning to a more mature romantic love.

We all know that "love" in affairs is built on dishonesty, so that in itself makes it less "real", but does it FEEL less real than "real" love.

While in your affair, did you tell yourself that the affair was not about love, tried to keep it from being about love, only to realize later that there was some sort of love there?

I am sorry if this seems scattered and all lover the place. Unfortunately, that seems to be how my mind works these days.

THank you for your perspective!!

Wounded


Wounded Spouse
ME - 41 BS
HIM 51 WS
Married 2/93 3 beautiful children
DDay #1 8-26-07 DDay #2 11-8-07 DDAy #3 12-23-07 DDay #?! 7-2-07
"If you ask me what I came into this world to do, I will tell you: "I came to live out loud."

Posts: 1381 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: midwest,
ThereWereNoSigns
♀ Member
Member # 27922
Question  Posted: 8:39 PM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the BSO- It's only been 3 weeks since dday. I want to begin spending time w/ WSO (he is currently staying at his parent's house) BUT I DO NOT want him to think I forgive him yet. I have not forgiven yet...too soon. I eventually want to R. We are both in IC, he is doing everything right.

We have a son, so I see him frequently but it is only for an hour or so.

Usually when we see each other we talk about our son or the A. We have talked about normal things too, but just starting to do that.

I feel like we should try to spend time together to not only talk about A and my anger, but just to see if I want to rebuild (I know he does). To reconnect. My C was not helpful when I asked what should happen next or what this is supposed to look like.

If we hang out/spend time together- do you think WSO will think that what he did was minimal? That I am over it? That since it has only been a few weeks it wasn't really that bad and it will give him permission to do it in the future?


Me: BSO (34 yrs)
Him: WSO (35 yrs)
DS: 4 1/2 years DD: 2 1/2 years, DS: 1 year
DDay #1: 3/6/10 (3 weeks before our now cancelled wedding)
DDay #2??? 6/23/11- he denies
Polygraph inconclusive on 6/26/11 due to purposeful non-cooperation
DDay

Posts: 187 | Registered: Mar 2010
Kwills
♀ Member
Member # 13172
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you tell me what love "FEELS" like to you, both loving someone and being loved?

IT feels different with different people. Some people I love in an intellectual sort of way, some people an emotional sort of way, some people a caring sort of way. I think that we need more than one word for "love."

Do you think there is a big difference on how love FEELs to men vs. women?

I don't know, I've never been a man :-)


We all know that "love" in affairs is built on dishonesty, so that in itself makes it less "real", but does it FEEL less real than "real" love.

It felt very real to me at the time. Those feelings did exist

While in your affair, did you tell yourself that the affair was not about love, tried to keep it from being about love, only to realize later that there was some sort of love there?

There was some sort of love there, and that is why I am NC today. I loved my FOM too much to keep hurting him, and he loved me too much to keep hurting me. We both realized we were tearing our worlds apart with our own hands and had to stop. I loved my FBH too much to keep hurting him so I went NC. MOst importantly, I loved myself to follow through because I was hurting myself. If I loved anyone less, I would be behaving differently. There was real suffering for me in going NC and it entailed a lot of losses and grief (not just for FOM, I had to change my entire lifestyle and I'm still struggling with this 2 1/2 years after leaving my job. My A was 2005-2006, if that helps. But it had to be done--the going & keeping NC and changing jobs--if I was ever to move forward.

Kwills

[This message edited by Kwills at 9:28 PM, March 26th (Friday)]


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Jan 2007
woundedspouse
♀ Member
Member # 16657
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((kwills))

Thank you.

I am so glad for YOU that you found a healthy way to love yourself, in turn allowing yourself to love your bs in a healthy way.

Thanks again!

Wounded


Wounded Spouse
ME - 41 BS
HIM 51 WS
Married 2/93 3 beautiful children
DDay #1 8-26-07 DDay #2 11-8-07 DDAy #3 12-23-07 DDay #?! 7-2-07
"If you ask me what I came into this world to do, I will tell you: "I came to live out loud."

Posts: 1381 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: midwest,
Clarrissa
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, March 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is it so hard for a WS to accept unconditional love from their BS?

FWS here. For me it was because I knew that what I did was so shameful, so hurtful and so "unlovable". I didn't love myself. Hell, I didn't even LIKE myself and I found it hard, very hard, to believe that anyone could love me. What was to love? I'd done something that was almost the antithesis of love.

I felt like the scum of the earth and how could anyone possibly love scum?

I still on occasion wonder how on earth my H could even think about loving me after what I'd done to him and our M but I'm grateful for the chance he's given me to prove that I'm NOT that person anymore.

So, in short, a WS has a hard time accepting love from their BS because we don't love ourselves and we don't think we're worthy of it. We don't feel we deserve the love our BS is willing to give us, not after we screwed up so terribly.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5832 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
healingwife
♀ Member
Member # 23912
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know my question has popped up over time, but I just can't seem to find a post on it this morning.

We are over 1.5 years from my first DDay -- 11 months from the last DDay, when I found out the EA was actually a 5-month PA.

Even though I am counting our R from the last DDay, my problem/question started from the first one.

I read so many posts about HB...but we NEVER experienced that part of the aftermath. In fact, it flipped 180 from our sexual dynamic.

Before and during the A, my H was extrememly sexual -- he would often remark that he wished we could do it twice a day. Even during the A, when he was home, this didn't change.

After the first DDay, it went to zero in a flash. We went to Marriage Encounter, had an amazing experience...and when we were feeling the closest, he still didn't really want sex. He did -- and still does -- want all of the other initmate, emotional connection. A lot of touching, holding, etc. -- he holds me every night as we go to sleep.

But he rarely initiates sex. We might do it once a week -- or every other week. We spend a lot of time together in bed, but there is no sex. I initiate, but am often rejected.

I don't know if this matters, but I have basically the same body as when we married. I'm no model, and I wouldn't win a beauty pageant, but I believe I am attractive -- I still get attention. Things have shifted a little (three children!), but I keep in shape. People tell me I look 15 years younger than I am. On an intellectual level, I have never felt inferior or in competition to the OW in any way, shape, or form. And until this rejection started, I never felt inferior to her on a physical level. It just didn't occur to me that her body would be any better than mine -- she is a little shorter and stocky, while I am taller and lean.

But it occurs to me now.

He is depressed, and I know this. But as a WS, can't you see past your depression and try to make your BS feel desireable? To me, that would be the most important part of R -- but he is working on himself and trying to see past his depression, and can't seem to see what is happening.

So, why no sex with the person you want most in your life? Does the depression really affect you that deeply -- so deeply that you don't even see your own BS in that way? Even if you are suffering from ED, do you really NOT want sex so much that you reject your BS in trying to pleasure her/him -- the very one you are trying to reconcile with?

I know this is rambling, and I apologize if my question is somehow lost in the jumble. But I am truly confused and disappointed in this aspect of our relationship. And while I have room in my head to help him through his depression on other levels, I can't seem to be so understanding about this.

It just doesn't add up to me. From horny dog to basically celibate in a matter of days?

Over a year and a half of waiting for this phase to pass. Trying so hard not to let it ruin my self-esteem.


BS - me
FWH - him
married 20 years
Lovingly in R
EA/PA from April-August 2008
Discovered EA - 8/28/08
Discovered PA - 4/17/09 (admitted on his own)

Posts: 482 | Registered: May 2009
hopelessromantic
♀ Member
Member # 25415
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Clarrissa)) - thank you for your honest and heartfelt reply to my post. I have read that same response from other waywards in other forums and I guess it just surprises me how many Waywards truly don't like themselves that much. I have a hard time identifying with that feeling. Perhaps it's because I've always had such a big heart and so my heart goes out to all waywards hoping that you find that inner peace and you start loving you - cuz everyone deserves to be loved.


BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

healingwife...I could have writen your post...except my WH has trouble with any touching even.
I don't understand it either.
My IC on Friday said that it sounds like he loves me, but is not in love with me. That maybe he just doesn't want to hurt me anymore than he already has.
I don't know what to do on this take.
I have tried to communicate with him about this...extended the olive branch and initiated touching, I have tried baby steps to show him that it is ok and that I want it...at least to see if I can do it with him still and also to maybe see if he still finds me desirable.
When I have said that this is it and that we should just look at separating ..then the one time he held me while I was bawling like a baby and kissed the top of my head.
The next and most recent time he hugged me in bed and we took turns hugging till we fell asleep.(He kissed the top of my head then too??)
But each time that I try to do the initiative after that has happened ..I have gotten rejected. It's almost like it was too hard for him to do it in the first place and he regrets it.

I have tried to post this topic to try to get a reason from WH's and hope that you get some response.
This may seam trivial to some, but it is a big deal for me and it seems for you as well.

(((HUGS)))

[This message edited by deena at 11:39 AM, March 28th (Sunday)]


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2500 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.