SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have seen this on other sites and here ocassionally where the WS wants to try to remain friends with their AP.

They may have been best friends or close co-workers and crossed the line.

Once that line has been crossed, there is no going back to being friends if you are reconciling with your BS.

This is not only a slap to the face of your BS, but a blatant show of disrespect.

You still want to have some connection with the very person you betrayed your spouse with.

As I have said and so has many others..We must all suffer the consequences of infidelity, those of us who chose to stray.

Losing a best friendship is part of that consequence. It goes along with the vow of forsaking all others.

Some WS's have retorted that the BS is trying to control them and tell them who their friends can be. Nope. You did that the moment the lines were crossed. You have just made that person an enemy of your marriage. If you intend to reconcile, then whomever is an enemy to your BS in the marriage is also an enemy to you, by your own making.

Think of it this way;

You and the AP have created a weapon of mass destruction that has nearly destroyed your BS within an inch of their lives. Continuing this relationship with the AP basically reloads that weapon of mass destruction and targets the BS once again.

Whether your AP was a relative from your spouse's side, a best friend, boss or co-worker, they have become public enemy number one to your relationship.

An enemy that can no longer be called friend.

Love this post!

OW in our case wanted us all to "go back to being friends". "We are all adults so let's all just get over this."

Ummm- hell no!

I told her she was NEVER to come up to me in public and treat me as her "friend" because we had ceased being "friends" the moment she and my FWH decided to become intimate. I don't care WHO is looking!

Quite.

The man I had an affair with used to be a colleague. I would have liked him to be my friend, but instead I turned him into the other man. No going back.

No point any way - there's nothing left.

~L.

***TWO THUMBS UP***

I thought OM and I could go back to being friends after the affair was over, but that was just the fog talking. Losing the friendship was the logical consequence of my actions. I never want to have anything to do with him again.

I never want to have anything to do with him again.

Ditto x 3....

I agree 100% floridaredman. You may have been friends before the A but afterwards... not a chance.

In my case it was a coworker and I too, thought we could be "just friends" after Dday. I too, thought my BH was trying to control me when he said he didn't want me to be. Then again, I was still in the fog somewhat. Now, I couldn't care less if I never saw him again. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

The WMD is not only unloaded but completely dismantled.

The WMD is not only unloaded but completely dismantled.

No stop sign, so I thought I'd ask--how would you feel if it had been an EA, an inappropriate friendship, but the OP declared his/her 'love' for you. Do you think you could continue a friendship with that person? My stbxwh seems to think so...

Seriously - this seems so obvious. Yet a month after DDay I was telling the OM "well, maybe we can be friends later...like in a year or so. Not close friends though." What, are we going to have lunch? Coffee? What an idiot I was! WTF was I thinking!!!!!

Sever all ties. It hurts you and disrespects the BS.

No stop sign, so I thought I'd ask--how would you feel if it had been an EA, an inappropriate friendship, but the OP declared his/her 'love' for you. Do you think you could continue a friendship with that person? My stbxwh seems to think so...

An EA is still an affair and a continued "friendship" will lead to a PA. It applies to an EA as well as a PA.

floridaredman,

No stop sign, BS here.

Well said. And the metaphor of the WMD is not an overstatement at all. Someone who writes this, or reads it and lets it touch something deep inside truly.....gets.....it.

As a BS, I wanted acknowledgement that this Abomb that detonated tainted everything and every aspect of my life.

It changed me....and I hate some of those changes.

I attempted to convey this to my xWH, as did our M/C....xWH turned against the person in his life who he claimed had been his best friend.

After false R and continued TT, I made the heartwrenching decision to make the choice that I could no longer have him in my life.

Clean break (though we all know how tattered breaks are).

He could not give up his "friends" who betrayed their own M, neglected their children and jobs, and colluded with someone else to break their own vows.

He could not realize these were not friends.

He could not see that he could not accurately describe himself as a friend.

I was not willing to have someone so destructive and self destructive in my future.

I think when there has been a PA/EA, it is aptly named.....affair, based in lies, secrecy, fantasy and hurting other people.

They don't call it PF(physical friendship) or EF(emotional friendship).

My true friends don't ask each other to risk things they value. We call each other out if we are out of focus....tender but tough.

Thank you for stating clearly the perspective about control also, it is all on the WS. One of the more painful aspects for me to realize is that I had been comforting xWH during his mourning phase of his As.

In the end, there are so many immeasurable losses, giving up a so-called friend in the interest of saving your M, comforting your BS, and making true amends seems like a small price to pay.

The sooner a WS gets it......the sooner healing can begin.

Great post and point, floridaredman.

slowlymending,

Thank you for posting that. It was heartfelt.

Best wishes to you.

I agree wholeheartedly. As part of my S.A. I received videos from a "friend" of mine that lives on the other side of the country. We never met, but she was a friend of mine on a few social networking sites (Facebook, etc...) She is now blocked from everything.

Once that line is crossed there is no going back. IMHO this goes for EA, PA, OA any "affair" period.

[This message edited by pbr5000 at 8:54 AM, February 19th (Friday)]

Totally agree. My AP, who dumped me, wanted to remain friends. I did for a little while, but with the wrong intentions (wanted to hold on), and it was a bad idea. Wasted a number of months I could have been further into the healing process.

And never good to do while in grieving period.

I can maybe connect with her in the future if I'm in a happy place. She already is, so she can talk to me and not feel anything romantic.

I can maybe connect with her in the future if I'm in a happy place. She already is, so she can talk to me and not feel anything romantic.

Be careful with this gss. You may be envisioning yourself as single in the future, but she's still married. If you want to be a true friend to her, you won't intrude in her marriage AT ALL EVER AGAIN. Do you think her husband would welcome your continued friendship with her? If not, then you'd be contributing to her lying and keeping secrets from her husband. That's not fair to her OR him, and common decency (which all waywards lack during their affair) dictates you don't do such a thing. Let go of the selfishness. Let go of her.

I can maybe connect with her in the future if I'm in a happy place. She already is, so she can talk to me and not feel anything romantic.

Be careful with this gss. You may be envisioning yourself as single in the future, but she's still married. If you want to be a true friend to her, you won't intrude in her marriage AT ALL EVER AGAIN. Do you think her husband would welcome your continued friendship with her? If not, then you'd be contributing to her lying and keeping secrets from her husband. That's not fair to her OR him, and common decency (which all waywards lack during their affair) dictates you don't do such a thing. Let go of the selfishness. Let go of her.

She's the one who wants to be friends, I'm indifferent. I actually don't envision a day when I won't have deep romantic feelings towards her, so i doubt i will ever be able to.

100% agree.

While foggy I attempted it.

Stupid...stupid stupid stupid, disrespectful and not possible. Completely unnecessary and uncalled for.

Not okay.

floridaredman,

You're right on with this post IMHO

[This message edited by authenticnow at 2:10 PM, February 19th (Friday)]

AN,

It is very embarrassing to look back at our actions while we were in the fog isn't it. It is so obviously stupid to us now, but in the throes of the fog and fantasy, we acted like complete idiots.

Mrs. Panda..I'm right there with you...crazy thinking.

gss....Good that you denied her offer for friendship..but while she is still married it is best you not entertain any future friendships.

Thanks to all who responded. It is appreciated.

Clarissa..Question?

How long did it take you to realize you couldn't be friends with the co worker and did you leave the job or did he leave the job? Or did anyone leave?