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My BW and I are separated at the moment. We are living apart on the same property. I am living in the granny apartment at the opposite end of the property.

This weekend we got a take away and ate together. We went for a camping trip and we went to a Greek festival in town. We had a wonderful time. We felt close. We touched. We talked.

Tonight we had dinner and had a nice talk.

My wife says that she does not know how she feels at the moment. I told her that I was not in a hurry, because I thought this slow, steady pace was good for our relationship. I told her that I want to be married to her till death does us part and reassured her that I was content in rebuilding our relationship, no matter how long it takes.

I am feeling peaceful tonight. The roller coaster ride has not had so many ups and downs this week.

I have accepted that I am that man that did those terrible things to my wife. I also accept that I am here tonight having nothing to be sorry for today. This has enabled me to start being there for my wife. She needs me to help her heal so badly. I don't feel so locked up and unable to think or act today.

I just wanted to tell the positive aspects of what has happened to me this week.

To all of the folks who have had recent D-Days, there is hope. I have done some of the worst things to my beautiful wife and we have just had the best week in a long time. Don't give up. Don't let guilt stop you from acting and helping your spouse.

I am grateful to this site and all of you who have offered me support and advice and pats on the back.

There will be more ups and downs for me. I am recognizing the high points today.

So happy for you and its great to hear good things happening for you. Sounds like your heart is in the right place, keep up the good work. Enjoy the peace.

I have accepted that I am that man that did those terrible things to my wife. I also accept that I am here tonight having nothing to be sorry for today. This has enabled me to start being there for my wife. She needs me to help her heal so badly. I don't feel so locked up and unable to think or act today.

This is very touching. I am so glad to read someone write about understanding that their partner needs their help to heal. Thank you for that.

This rollercoaster ride is so hard sometimes. Things can change so quickly.

Well, this evening I came home and my wife was very quiet and she seemed very down. I know her very well. I asked her about it and initially she said she did not want to talk about it.

Then she sat down and started to tell me how she feels. She was concerned, because I had called her at lunch and told her the boss was out and a little about my morning. She said that I was alone at work with a woman and then went on to tell me how my actions had made her so insecure and had destroyed her confidence.

I told her I was sorry. I cried and told her that I would do anything for her that would make her feel more secure. I listened and apologized again.

I was not defensive, as I have been in the past. I felt that my wife was getting closer to me by telling me how she feels. She has not talked like that for some time.

I feel conflicted by it all. I know that she must talk to heal. I know that I have hurt her so deeply. At the same time I remember the good feelings from this weekend. This is the tough part.

Thank you all for your advice and hope. I was able to listen and not get defensive. I have been able to cry for my wife's pain and it feels good to let it out. I feel her pain. Before, I couldn't see past my guilt and I couldn't look at myself, because it blew my image of myself.

I hope I am on the right track. I hope I am doing the right thing. I need strength.

((astudentoflife))

You are doing the right thing. You are willing to put your guilt aside for her pain. That is huge. Stay there, be brave, braver than you have ever been in your life. That is what we betrayed spouses need. To see you face off these demons. To be brave and support us in our healing. Keep it up, you are doing it. Thank you for your post and honesty.

I am sorry you are both hurting. Hold on to the good feelings and the knowledge that you did have a good time together.

See her sharing her feelings as a very positive move on her part. She showed you her vulnerability and shared with you rather than closing herself off from you. She trusted you to listen to her.

Keep being open and supportive. Build the wall up around the two of you. When she is hurting, do what you did: show her your love and concern and don't get defensive.

Job well done!

She showed you her vulnerability and shared with you rather than closing herself off from you. She trusted you to listen to her.

I know this. I gained strength from that.

I want to be clear. My wife told me other feelings she had. Including that it was not fair. Not fair that I did this to her and I am unscathed.

I understood just what she meant and I agreed that it was not fair. I also said that I saw the pain on her face and I knew that I had put it there.

She mentioned the fact that I had chosen someone so low as the street hooker I had slept with. She asked how she could ever trust me again. I told her that I had made some very bad choices and I apologized.

It was so hard to hear, yet, I knew that she needed to say it. I needed to hear it. I couldn't get defensive, because I did all of those things. That is why I needed to add to this post. I need people to know about me, the real me, not my illusion of myself.

I made so many poor choices. I did not act with integrity. It hurts so much to look at this and to pick up the pieces of our lives.

What you are doing is spot on! When your wife tells you these things, rather than focusing on how down she is feeling & how it feels like a step backwards, focus instead on the fact that she is trusting you enough to open up to you and that she is trusting you enough to look to you for comfort. There have been many many times when I have been really upset, and when I went to my husband, he LISTENED to me. To me, that means that he didn't offer solutions or correct my version of the facts or explain why he did something or start telling me what a terrible person he is (making it all about him again). Instead, all he would say is "I can see why that hurts you so much. I'm so sorry that I caused it." Just those two sentences make such a world of difference in our recovery. I felt heard and validated in my pain. He took responsibility for causing the pain. Sure, it still hurts but when he does that, I feel like he has my back and he's there for me, instead of feeling all alone in the world with my pain.

I'd be willing to bet just about anything I own (which isn't much ) that anything she said to you just about every BS has said to his/her WS.

For the record, I don't think it makes a whole lot of difference whether the OP was a prostitute, a serial AP (my H's OW was this), a ONS, an EA or a PA. Cheating is cheating, and it rips us apart. When the WS refuses to take responsibility for his/her choices, refuses to be transparent, to be humble, to be supportive, that is when we hurt even more--not something we imagined we could feel, but we do. We want desperately to believe that the person we love more than anyone else in the world is remorseful and is fighting to save our marriage.

If you are not in IC currently, I recommend that you do so to discover how you were able to give yourself permission to cheat. Share your insights with your BS. Doing so lets her know that you trust her.

[This message edited by fairyfriend at 4:04 PM, February 10th (Wednesday)]

The wisdom on this forum never lets me down. All of what you have said is so true. I thought we were on track toward the big R, but I had and have nagging doubts that there are still untold truths. Sure enough, he was holding back important information that I needed to know about MY marriage, his infidelity and our reconciliation. Trickle truth is NOT truth and the excuse that he didn't tell me to protect me is bullcrap. He was protecting himself. At no time in the 20 years of cheating did he think to protect me.

He is starting to get it. And I welcome his efforts even though it took so long and despite the detours, but boy did it make this journey so much harder...

I am currently working two jobs. They are flexible enough for me to work there whatever days one has more work than the other.

Today I went to the one that starts at 9. I had knocked at my wifes door to say good bye for the day. We chatted a little, I went on my way. We talked again later in the morning on the phone. I was feeling good. I was busy.

That was until I got a call from my wife later in the day. Well past the time I come home from the other job that I was not working today. I usually leave at 4:30. My wife was terribly upset and short on the phone. She had no idea where I was working. What time I would be home. We hung up.

On my drive home I thought about a sure way of telling her the important information of where I would be and calmed myself and beat back my defensiveness.

When I got home I apologized. I said that I had assumed that she knew where I was, because I was leaving at 8:30 instead of 7:30. That I thought that I had told her last night and that I had told her about things that I only do at the shop I worked at today on the phone. I apologized for leaving that up to her to figure out. I said I would send an email each night to tell her where I would be the next day. I apologized again.

My wife told me about how it made her feel. It made her feel like I had taken the vulnerability she had shown me and that it felt like I had thrown it back in her face. She asked me to repeat it back. I did. Then I said that I know that would make her feel that way and apologized for falling flat on my face and for assuming anything.

We then talked about our day and had some small chit chat. It felt good to not be defensive and own my mistakes. I know this hurt her and I am making plans to never let it happen again. I had no intention of hurting her, but I did. I would have, not long ago let this turn me into a paralyzed, ineffective fool who would then wallow in self pity. "I didn't mean it. Why is she so upset?" I would have said to myself.

Thank you all for showing me the way you guys. I am taking it a day at a time and keeping positive. I am trying to build integrity one step at a time and owning my mistakes and keeping positive and seeing my options to improve, when I fall flat.

Good insights and actions, a. The second IC my H saw told him that guilt and self-pity are just huge wastes of time and that allowing himself to feel self-pity would NOT help him or me. Working hard to learn how he could give himself permission to cheat, how he could show his remorse to me, how he could be supportive, putting boundaries in place BY HIMSELF FOR HIMSELF would all go a long way to making him get to the place where he could forgive himself, where he could feel proud of himself, and where he could know he was taking positive steps to work on our marriage.

You sound like you're making an excellent effort. Keep up the great work. You are already realizing that not only are you making her feel better by doing so, but you are also making yourself feel better! Hooray!

Student, what you are doing is spot on. My H did the same with me = answered all my questions, even the ones that made him visibly squirm, held me when I cried, rolled with my anger. Because he supported me so fully right from the start, we were able to keep forward motion on our recovery, so much so that now, only 3 years out, we rarely even bring it up.

It's honestly all fading into the past very quickly, I have no triggers etc, and all this is only possible because he gave EVERYTHING during that crucial first year, handled every meltdown gently, never retaliated. We are definately stronger than before.