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User Topic: OC Support Thread (BS Only)-New Thread
renee21
♀ Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, November 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hello all,

I don't post very often. We are NC with the OC, so I am not dealing with all of the issues that most of you are....I have a great deal of respect for all of btw....you are amazing...

We had a run in with the OW and OC this weekend....it really threw me through a loop....my kids do not know about the OC...OW and OC sat right next to my daughter in the movie theatre...I wanted to vomit..it was too much for me....I wasn't mentally prepared for it...

I started wondering, for those that have an OC that is a little older....how messed up are these kids?...I'm not trying to be mean....I just started thinking about how screwed up both parents are and wondering how much of that is genetic.

I truly feel sorry for the little girl because both of her parents are so broken...it's like she wasn't given a fair shot from jump....it's not her fault they are idiots...

I am far from perfect but my kids at least got one semi-normal parent.

I can't imagine what it is like growing up for them, especially when they get older and really understand the circumstances of how they came to be...it must suck. My husband's little sister is the OC (yes, he repeated his dad's behavior to a T)...she doesn't strike me as the most happy person in the world...she has a lot of resentment towards her father

Any insight is appreciated....


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1258 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, November 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hurtinkorea))) and (((renee))). I think there's no easy answer or right or wrong honestly. I think its very awesome of u to step up hurtinkorea, but also don't allow yourself to get further hurt if your WW hasn't gotten over the A. Renee, I worry for those kids too...but I esp worry about my own kids, what will they think of us that we kept this info from them and how will that affect them and their future relationships? All this I'm hoping to discuss at MC. I wish I had better answers.

So far the lawyer got the amt dropped to $800 a month, that's counting the COM and putting the OC on my health insurance. She turned in her financials just now...wtf so the formula got recalculated with all zeros yet AGAIN. So we will most likely have to go back AGAIN before the finalized hearing and custody hearing mid December. But we won't know anything concrete for a few more hours when fwh calls me back. Apparently she showed up with the kid although she now gets CS and could've found childcare, and she showed up looking "bummy"...in other words trying to look poor. My fwh calls horseshit because he said she's the type who wears designer clothes and handbags. E for effort.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
whyme101
♀ New Member
Member # 29967
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, November 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so glad to have this site as support. as I do not feel alone. However, it still doesn't make this OC go away. I had nightmares all night last night about this OC and how my WS would treat it. I do have a Stepchild who is now 21 & when she was younger, he never reprimanded her because he felt bad because he wasn't there to raise her for a lot of her life. I will probably have to deal with that again & it sucks for our COM!!!!
We have NC with the OW, but she keeps sending emails to keep us updated on her pregnancy. I guess my biggest fear is that she will come into the office (i work in human services) to get child support and other govt assistance & then my secret will be spread all over the office when she has to name the "absent father." How humiliating. I just don't see how a marriage can survive an OC being born & all that goes along with it. I keep thinking.....can he just dodge child support for 18 years & forget about it? But does that OC really deserve that? In my state, he will get credit for our 2 COM but only $200 support per month & will be ordered to pay the OW at least $258/month in CS.
I wish I could not let this eat me up right now, but I don't know how to block this from my head. *sighs*

Posts: 16 | Registered: Oct 2010
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, November 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whyme, I was in the same boat not that long ago. Except we barely heard from OW. I too thought how does 1 bounce back from something like this?! And I'm still working on that answer. IC and hopefully MC will help me. So far it has been hard. There are days I wake up, love him and forgive him; there are days I wake up and I hate his guts. Its a rollercoaster...and I have no idea when the ride ends (if it truly ever does).

We are going to out OC on my health insurance, and I am dreading going to the benefits office to get him added...I just added my newborn last month so its going to look and be so awkward. And I too am going thru the "guilt" of not wanting to gip OC yet wanting us to give the minimum. Well, we are just seeking what's fair vs trying to "rob" OC.

ETA: We also have concerns over the $$$ not being used for OC, but herself.

Yes, this site esp this section is sooo very helpful. We are all here for you and each other :)

[This message edited by IslandWahine at 1:20 PM, November 22nd (Monday)]


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Helpless  Posted: 11:41 AM, November 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

augh! So they did NOT change the CS, although OW put all zeros again (when the court officer instructed her again that she left off income and she tried to play dumb), and OW showed her ass at court (now she claims my fwh advertised himself online as single and that they had a relationship...we have the emails and texts to prove she knew he was married) she's trying to play herself out to be a victim, and she ran her mouth off....even telling my fwh that even if she was a millionaire she would still take him to court! So the CS is stuck at $1200 a month until the 14th...at that time it will drop because the judge is going to review the financial statement she submitted TODAY. So we get screwed yet again, and yet again OW was asking for MORE money. Merry fucking Christmas....thank god I got some extra $. And this lawyer was pissed! Apparently this judge just wants to change the amt ONE time and not constantly. Soooo now we wait again. We have been reassured that the CS will def get dropped. Good thing we have MC today...


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Helpless  Posted: 11:41 AM, November 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry posted twice

[This message edited by IslandWahine at 12:40 PM, November 22nd (Monday)]


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
eyesnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, November 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone. It was a long day yesterday, we had to travel forty miles one way to the lawyer's office, maybe a little more. She is going to file the paper work so OW should get it by the end of next week. That is for the request for paternity test and to request sole custody. The lady who does the paternity test should be there at that time so that OW has no excuse to delay it. Then we traveled that forty or so miles back and went the other way another thirty miles for H's part of the dna test. It was a long day. But it was nice too because I had H captive in the car and asked him questions about the A. Not that he refuses to answer but it seemed like a good time to make sure I had every answer that I wanted so we can really move on past the A and into the upcoming battle of OW and OC, if OC is his.

I am trying to remain strong but I have to say if H wasn't remorseful and totally into making our marriage work, it wouldn't be possible. I would be gone and totally out of this situation. We are both hoping OC is not his, but as I have seen on this board many times, it's entirely possible and probable.

Island, I really hope they get the CS lowered for your family, it still seems like a ridiculous amount, like they reward OW for planning to get PG with OC by giving them so much money :(

We are going for sole custody for that reason, also to make sure this OC has a decent life as well. OW is like most of them, a bit unstable and well just wacko at times.

Welcome to the new people and welcome back to the ones who are posting again.


Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, November 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've got a question for the BHs out there w/OC. In your state, are you listed as father on BC automatically if in-marriage, or do you have to sign the live-birth record thing they send off that becomes the BC?

I've been told here, that even if OC is product of A, if the couple was married when OC was born, the BH is automatically written in as the father and if they D, he'd have to pay CS. You would think if you knew OC wasn't yours, you could opt out of signing as birth father, but not so here.

Another question for the BH recently posting. If WW & xOM don't want to allow OC to be raised as yours and he won't go NC w/OC, I'm not sure it'd be possible to deny him access to OC. Would he be signing over his rights so you could adopt otherwise? Can I assume he's still in-contact w/WW and they are making plans for OC & visitation instead? Is OM fully aware of WW's pregnancy status?

I don't think OM should be @ultrasound. WW could get a copy of video & mail to OM (if that's their choice). You would be @ultrasound to see the child you'd be raising & to support WW. OM would not die if he missed ultrasound, OB/GYN appts, or even the birth.

During A#3, OW in our case tried to make fWH feel guilty about not being @birth of OC. OW was pissed @him & her STB BH#2 was there to support her instead. It was her choice to not even give him the option of being present. It was a stressful time, waiting on OC to be born, thinking fWH would go hold OW's hand & see the entire birth....it was honestly a life-saver that OW did not call him until they were discharged from hospital & got home the next day. OW has put it into OC's head that fWH missed her birth...yes, but she forgets to tell the part about NOT calling to let him know about it.

EyesOpenNow,
Is there honestly any chance @all of full custody of OC? I cannot see any judge in our area giving custody of any child of OW's to a mOM...unless there was proof of child abuse, history of child or substance abuse, or OW being a threat in some way (or if OW was in prison - but maybe not even then). What did the lawyer say about chances of full or even joint custody?

With the way the world is going...maybe all hospital births should delay submittal of live-birth/BC records until a quickie DNA can be performed. Insurance companies could toss-in the cost as part of the birth expense...as they'd come off cheaper if they didn't have to cover those unsuspected OC when they could make OM cover the kid on insurance! Just joking....

I forgot to ask BMC....did your DS ever get a DNA on his supposed child? I knew he was going to claim it as his, but wondered if he came up with enough $$$ to know 100% about paternity.

Wonder how many OM show up on the doorstep one day & tell OC "oh, your dad really isn't your dad, I think it's me instead."


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, November 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Eyes. I hope that your lawyer is able to do what she can for you guys. That's a lot of driving; I commute almost that distance one way to work daily! I think I have always had a commute--I wouldn't know what to do if I had a short little commute!

OW and fwh ended up getting into a verbal spat. While they were waiting, OW starts talking to the OC (yes, she brought the OC after she was told NOT to bring the OC to the courthouse...but she brought a friend with her to watch the OC at the courthouse) and saying "I'm going to teach you to keep your d**k in your pants, and to tend to your responsibilities" LOUD so that everyone in the room AND fwh heard it. Then she moves closer to my fwh (who was trying his best to avoid her) and puts the OC in his face and says "you haven't even looked at him", then started to get crabby. The OW was also PISSED about our new baby...she told the court mediator that she shouldn't get factored into the CS amount. Then had the NERVE to tell my fwh that he shouldn't have made a baby (my daughter) that he couldn't afford. That it was irresponsible of him to make "that baby". THAT was the straw that broke the camel's back and he told her off after that. There's more, much more about what she kept running off at the mouth about but I gotta get the baby right now.

Needless to say we are pretty certain about NC for now because we just cannot deal with her nonsense on top of trying to R. But I told fwh I DO want to go after custody later because I'm really nervous for the OC to grow up around that mess.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, November 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh! H got new CS order in the mail today. The new amount is more than 2X what he has been paying. But they have his income way too high so hopefully we can meet somewhere in the middle once it is all said and done.

We have to go to our neice's b-day party here in a bit and I'm going to have to pretend everything is fine. In reality, I'm pissed all over again that his completely assinine choices put us in this situation. We were finally able to get caught up on bills and put some money in our savings. And if he complains one more time about not having a truck, I might go balistic. He could have a pretty nice truck if we could have that CS payment back every month. Sorry for the vent - I need to get it out and I have no one else to go to since he is still working.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, November 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((want2bok))) I don't blame you at all for being upset, and sorry you have to put on a happy front. I had to do it when my mom came up here so I totally understand the frustration. Luckily my fwh hasn't complained about not having a new "toy" or anything like that--I think he knows I too would go nuts! I'm upset because we need a new washing maching and dryer, and all that money could've bought me the set that I really really wanted. I'm still having a hard time dealing with the insane amount of $$$ that is leaving our household due to a STUPID ASS mistake. I hope you are still able to have a nice time at the party.

MC was good--but REALLY hard. I had to relive the chronology of all the past As, and relive the horror of what is going on now. It's going to be hard to talk about this. I do have a question about MC and I thought about putting it on the general thread, but I will post it here too and maybe the general thread later; how do you deal with what was said in MC? Do you talk about the things that were said afterwards (the HARD stuff), or do you save it for the next session so the "pain" stays there? I feel like we did it "wrong" the last time we went to MC, not to mention he didn't really want to go so it didn't work. But this time he is determined to make this work and knows that MC is necessary. Just wondering; I had questions and wanted to talk afterwards, but instead we changed the subject and actually had a nice evening instead. I didn't think to ask my IC about it today because it was the first time I've seen her since I had the baby, and I had a lot of other stuff to talk with her about.

Thanks everyone! Be safe this Holiday week.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
eyesnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, November 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

repeat: when you go to court in the state that OW lives in, it automatically starts out that the parents have joint custody. that wouldn't work out in this case because they will never get along, OW and H. Also, we live about thirty miles apart, her in one state and us in another. The attorney is asking for sole custody to sort of get the upper hand in the case in the beginning and hoping that we will get it. I doubt that we will, but she knows the judge pretty well (small town, only one judge who does these cases) and has assured us that with her history we could possibly get it. OW has a history of abusing prescription drugs (taking a full month's supply of allderal and xanex in two weeks, then she is a psycho the other two weeks, we are pretty sure she received no prenatal care after the first two checkups when she first became pregnant so there is neglect of the baby while she was carrying it, other things but that's a start. Oh and she was also pulled over for wearing no seat belt before she delivered, another example of not protecting the baby. She already has an eight or nine year old and wasn't married to her father, so this is her second meal ticket child.

either way is fine with me, i just read everyone's stories and panic at the huge amounts that they are having to pay OW and hope that we can do something to change things, but knowing it's probably futile :(


Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
#1survivor
♀ New Member
Member # 27296
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, November 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello ladies,

I have not posted alot or even in awhile. I had alot of baby mama drama going on. But if you go back in my post and read we had a looney one (aren't they all). Anyways after she took us back to court for and increase in child support back in Feb. we asked for some things from her regarding the child. Come to find out the child has been neglected and malnourished this whole time. WTF so she was what just collecting money and not taking care of the baby. I was so anger the nerve of these women. So husband and i who where previously NC decided to go for full custody. Surprisingly we got the child!!!!!! i was shocked....all i can say ladies is what goes around comes around. i will try to write more on here but it is so hard to keep up plus with all my drama it is crazy!!!!!


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Virgina
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((#1 survivor)), Kudos to you for protecting that innocent child. It is a hard decision to make, I know I have custody of 3 of the OW's children, but when you see that they are not being taken care of, it takes a special person to put aside the other stuff and just love the child.

Now of course this is not the road for everyone, we all must do what is right in our situation. ((Island)), I told you the justice system is screwed up sometimes. I hope they get this straighten out for you.

((Eyes)) Thinking of you and hoping things go as well as they can in this instance. As I have said before, having a plan really puts you ahead of the game. Things don't always go to plan, but taking some of the control back can help alot.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
whyme101
♀ New Member
Member # 29967
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW posted FB post last night "goodbye mama will miss you. hardest decision i'll ever have to make."
Hope she realizes she'd be doing all of us a favor IF she really is pregnant. I just don't know what to think or believe with her. I HATE having to wait until after July next year to see if she's really pregnant!!! ARRGGHHHH

Posts: 16 | Registered: Oct 2010
eyesnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are so right BMC, just having a plan and taking back some control of the situation helped me so much! Even if we totally lost the case, at least we tried. The judge in this case will hopefully be impressed by the fact that H isn't having to be dragged to court to prove paternity, we are having to drag OW to court to prove it, or hopefully disprove it.

whyme, please be careful and don't get your hopes up. OW started a rumor at their workplace through a friend that she had had an abortion (OW no longer works there, thank God) to throw H off track. Of course she was pregnant and has now had the baby. Just wanted to warn you about how utterly tricky and devious these OW can be :(


Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question is, am i wrong in wanting to hide this from my child? and am I wrong for pretty much forcing him out?

HurtInKorea - honestly, if I were in your situation, I would feel the same way. I think it is very admirable of you to want to raise the OC as your own, and I am pretty sure that if I were a BH, I'd insist that OM were not involved at all. I'm not sure if that's "right" but I think that's how I'd feel.

It definitely sounds like your WW is still in the fog, at the very least. Maybe still in love with OM. I would proceed very very cautiously. I would hate to see you get attached to the OC and then have something happen that would change your relationship with him/her.

There's aren't too many BHs dealing with OCs that post here, but please feel welcome. You will find lots of support and help here.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2070 | Registered: Feb 2010
eyesnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I hope we all make it through without too much drama and triggers and other issues :)


Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes Happy Thanksgiving to all!


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
whyme101
♀ New Member
Member # 29967
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, November 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've decided to block the OW from facebook. That was the only way we had to contact or keep up with what was going on with her. She was saying one minute she would have an abortion and the next that she would have the baby but didn't want child support. I'm just so sick of this being about HER! My husband is in rehab and doing well. I got to visit him today & will get to see him again sunday. I just don't think it's good for me to ride this emotional roller coaster with this OW all the way until July of next year. So I blocked her. We'll find out next year if she has a baby or not. I'd like everyone's opinion. Since we won't have any contact or updates on her, do you think this is wise? We should be okay to decide what we want to do if at first we see if there is a child born, right? Waiting seems to be the hardest part!!

Posts: 16 | Registered: Oct 2010
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