I don't post very often. We are NC with the OC, so I am not dealing with all of the issues that most of you are....I have a great deal of respect for all of btw....you are amazing...
We had a run in with the OW and OC this weekend....it really threw me through a loop....my kids do not know about the OC...OW and OC sat right next to my daughter in the movie theatre...I wanted to vomit..it was too much for me....I wasn't mentally prepared for it...
I started wondering, for those that have an OC that is a little older....how messed up are these kids?...I'm not trying to be mean....I just started thinking about how screwed up both parents are and wondering how much of that is genetic.
I truly feel sorry for the little girl because both of her parents are so broken...it's like she wasn't given a fair shot from jump....it's not her fault they are idiots...
I am far from perfect but my kids at least got one semi-normal parent.
I can't imagine what it is like growing up for them, especially when they get older and really understand the circumstances of how they came to be...it must suck. My husband's little sister is the OC (yes, he repeated his dad's behavior to a T)...she doesn't strike me as the most happy person in the world...she has a lot of resentment towards her father
Any insight is appreciated....
So far the lawyer got the amt dropped to $800 a month, that's counting the COM and putting the OC on my health insurance. She turned in her financials just now...wtf so the formula got recalculated with all zeros yet AGAIN. So we will most likely have to go back AGAIN before the finalized hearing and custody hearing mid December. But we won't know anything concrete for a few more hours when fwh calls me back. Apparently she showed up with the kid although she now gets CS and could've found childcare, and she showed up looking "bummy"...in other words trying to look poor. My fwh calls horseshit because he said she's the type who wears designer clothes and handbags. E for effort.
We are going to out OC on my health insurance, and I am dreading going to the benefits office to get him added...I just added my newborn last month so its going to look and be so awkward. And I too am going thru the "guilt" of not wanting to gip OC yet wanting us to give the minimum. Well, we are just seeking what's fair vs trying to "rob" OC.
ETA: We also have concerns over the $$$ not being used for OC, but herself.
Yes, this site esp this section is sooo very helpful. We are all here for you and each other :)
[This message edited by IslandWahine at 1:20 PM, November 22nd (Monday)]
[This message edited by IslandWahine at 12:40 PM, November 22nd (Monday)]
I am trying to remain strong but I have to say if H wasn't remorseful and totally into making our marriage work, it wouldn't be possible. I would be gone and totally out of this situation. We are both hoping OC is not his, but as I have seen on this board many times, it's entirely possible and probable.
Island, I really hope they get the CS lowered for your family, it still seems like a ridiculous amount, like they reward OW for planning to get PG with OC by giving them so much money :(
We are going for sole custody for that reason, also to make sure this OC has a decent life as well. OW is like most of them, a bit unstable and well just wacko at times.
Welcome to the new people and welcome back to the ones who are posting again.
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
I've been told here, that even if OC is product of A, if the couple was married when OC was born, the BH is automatically written in as the father and if they D, he'd have to pay CS. You would think if you knew OC wasn't yours, you could opt out of signing as birth father, but not so here.
Another question for the BH recently posting. If WW & xOM don't want to allow OC to be raised as yours and he won't go NC w/OC, I'm not sure it'd be possible to deny him access to OC. Would he be signing over his rights so you could adopt otherwise? Can I assume he's still in-contact w/WW and they are making plans for OC & visitation instead? Is OM fully aware of WW's pregnancy status?
I don't think OM should be @ultrasound. WW could get a copy of video & mail to OM (if that's their choice). You would be @ultrasound to see the child you'd be raising & to support WW. OM would not die if he missed ultrasound, OB/GYN appts, or even the birth.
During A#3, OW in our case tried to make fWH feel guilty about not being @birth of OC. OW was pissed @him & her STB BH#2 was there to support her instead. It was her choice to not even give him the option of being present. It was a stressful time, waiting on OC to be born, thinking fWH would go hold OW's hand & see the entire birth....it was honestly a life-saver that OW did not call him until they were discharged from hospital & got home the next day. OW has put it into OC's head that fWH missed her birth...yes, but she forgets to tell the part about NOT calling to let him know about it.
Is there honestly any chance @all of full custody of OC? I cannot see any judge in our area giving custody of any child of OW's to a mOM...unless there was proof of child abuse, history of child or substance abuse, or OW being a threat in some way (or if OW was in prison - but maybe not even then). What did the lawyer say about chances of full or even joint custody?
With the way the world is going...maybe all hospital births should delay submittal of live-birth/BC records until a quickie DNA can be performed. Insurance companies could toss-in the cost as part of the birth expense...as they'd come off cheaper if they didn't have to cover those unsuspected OC when they could make OM cover the kid on insurance! Just joking....
I forgot to ask BMC....did your DS ever get a DNA on his supposed child? I knew he was going to claim it as his, but wondered if he came up with enough $$$ to know 100% about paternity.
Wonder how many OM show up on the doorstep one day & tell OC "oh, your dad really isn't your dad, I think it's me instead."
OW and fwh ended up getting into a verbal spat. While they were waiting, OW starts talking to the OC (yes, she brought the OC after she was told NOT to bring the OC to the courthouse...but she brought a friend with her to watch the OC at the courthouse) and saying "I'm going to teach you to keep your d**k in your pants, and to tend to your responsibilities" LOUD so that everyone in the room AND fwh heard it. Then she moves closer to my fwh (who was trying his best to avoid her) and puts the OC in his face and says "you haven't even looked at him", then started to get crabby. The OW was also PISSED about our new baby...she told the court mediator that she shouldn't get factored into the CS amount. Then had the NERVE to tell my fwh that he shouldn't have made a baby (my daughter) that he couldn't afford. That it was irresponsible of him to make "that baby". THAT was the straw that broke the camel's back and he told her off after that. There's more, much more about what she kept running off at the mouth about but I gotta get the baby right now.
Needless to say we are pretty certain about NC for now because we just cannot deal with her nonsense on top of trying to R. But I told fwh I DO want to go after custody later because I'm really nervous for the OC to grow up around that mess.
We have to go to our neice's b-day party here in a bit and I'm going to have to pretend everything is fine. In reality, I'm pissed all over again that his completely assinine choices put us in this situation. We were finally able to get caught up on bills and put some money in our savings. And if he complains one more time about not having a truck, I might go balistic. He could have a pretty nice truck if we could have that CS payment back every month. Sorry for the vent - I need to get it out and I have no one else to go to since he is still working.
MC was good--but REALLY hard. I had to relive the chronology of all the past As, and relive the horror of what is going on now. It's going to be hard to talk about this. I do have a question about MC and I thought about putting it on the general thread, but I will post it here too and maybe the general thread later; how do you deal with what was said in MC? Do you talk about the things that were said afterwards (the HARD stuff), or do you save it for the next session so the "pain" stays there? I feel like we did it "wrong" the last time we went to MC, not to mention he didn't really want to go so it didn't work. But this time he is determined to make this work and knows that MC is necessary. Just wondering; I had questions and wanted to talk afterwards, but instead we changed the subject and actually had a nice evening instead. I didn't think to ask my IC about it today because it was the first time I've seen her since I had the baby, and I had a lot of other stuff to talk with her about.
Thanks everyone! Be safe this Holiday week.
either way is fine with me, i just read everyone's stories and panic at the huge amounts that they are having to pay OW and hope that we can do something to change things, but knowing it's probably futile :(
Now of course this is not the road for everyone, we all must do what is right in our situation. ((Island)), I told you the justice system is screwed up sometimes. I hope they get this straighten out for you.
((Eyes)) Thinking of you and hoping things go as well as they can in this instance. As I have said before, having a plan really puts you ahead of the game. Things don't always go to plan, but taking some of the control back can help alot.
whyme, please be careful and don't get your hopes up. OW started a rumor at their workplace through a friend that she had had an abortion (OW no longer works there, thank God) to throw H off track. Of course she was pregnant and has now had the baby. Just wanted to warn you about how utterly tricky and devious these OW can be :(
My question is, am i wrong in wanting to hide this from my child? and am I wrong for pretty much forcing him out?
HurtInKorea - honestly, if I were in your situation, I would feel the same way. I think it is very admirable of you to want to raise the OC as your own, and I am pretty sure that if I were a BH, I'd insist that OM were not involved at all. I'm not sure if that's "right" but I think that's how I'd feel.
It definitely sounds like your WW is still in the fog, at the very least. Maybe still in love with OM. I would proceed very very cautiously. I would hate to see you get attached to the OC and then have something happen that would change your relationship with him/her.
There's aren't too many BHs dealing with OCs that post here, but please feel welcome. You will find lots of support and help here.