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User Topic: OC Support Thread (BS Only)-New Thread
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, November 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi ladies, I don't really visit here much anymore because, honestly, I don't really have an OC issue... It's too exhausting to pine over his leaving...

Anyway, I did see a picture of OC. And she looks just like him - not in a good way.(WxBF has aged some much in the last year. I don't find him attractive at all anymore and it's hard to believe I ever did... he just makes my skin crawl.)

But anyway, I thought seeing a picture of OC would phase me more... be more emotional... but it wasn't. I just looked at it and thought to myself, "Yup, she looks exactly like him." I think because I was expecting some really cute baby because of how pretty OW is. But all I see is a huge baby, with a huger head, very little hair and my ex's messed up nose and sunken eyes...

Oh well. My life is only getting better. I think his is about as good as it will ever get.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2069 | Registered: Feb 2010
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Cool  Posted: 9:08 AM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Whalers)))

I am glad OC's pic didn't phase you. You are so strong. It is sad that PA ruined the entire relationship & he wasn't receptive to R, but I hope you can start a New Beginning & only have fond memories of your time spent with him.

We are here if you need us :)


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Island,

Keep us updated on the drama with the new lawyer. Getting the head of firm to represent fWH, hopefully is a good thing. Maybe he can straighten out the CS before December's payment, if you are lucky?


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanksgiving lunch@ elem school.

OC/OW/BH#2 were already seated when we arrived. OC's class lunch overlaps DS10s for about 20 minutes of the 40 minutes.

The principal knew OC was fWH's daughter. She offered to carry fWH's tray, as he's in the wheelchair. She headed straight for OC's table, saying she was going to sit us with OC!!!! fWH kindly asked her to sit us somewhere else. I suppose the principal hasn't got a clue that OW is fWH's xOW!!! (of 3 EA/PAs)

It was okay. I sat w/my back to OW. fWH had to sit on end of table, due to bench seating & his wheelchair only fitting there. He basically could see OW the whole time he was eating. I know he said it to be nice to me, but he said "that's the biggest I've ever seen OW." I think she's about the same size as always.

OC came & hugged us when we were waiting in line for the food. OW made eye contact with both of us in-line.

I am glad that's over with.

Next time to see OW: pickup next Wednesday night @6PM Thanksgiving Eve & dropoff around 2PM Thanksgiving Day. Then, I'm hoping to not see her again until Christmas Eve/Christmas Day.

It's fWH's week to have OC. DS10's week has started off bad (he had outstanding week last week - teachers even bragging about him). I know DS10 & OC9 will probably fight this week.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 3:25 PM, November 15th (Monday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Repeat, I don't know how you do it. But you do and you do it well, massive props and respect to you momma!

(((Whalers))) keeping you in my thoughts, and hope you continue to stay strong. I have yet to see OW or OC, and I'm not sure if I will be able to keep it together when I do. Its inevitable I will see them at some point...almost rather it be sooner vs later. According to my fwh the oc looks just like her, so that's good for me.

We are just kinda hanging out until fwhs court date next week. He has talked with the new lawyer a few times now, and it seems this lawyer has more "bite" to him, which is hopefully a good thing. I considered going, but my daughter will only be barely 6 weeks old and our daycare is going to be closed on that day. Honestly its probably a good thing I don't go, I've been quite emotional lately. Hoping to start MC soon...just waiting to hear back.

Hope everyone is having a nice week. Aloha


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Repeat, I read your posts to remind myself of what it would be like if FWH decided he wanted visitation.

Whalers- you may not be actively involved in an "OC situation", but the most significant relationship of your life ended because of an OC. People who D'ed because of an A still post on SI regularly! The hurt takes a while to go away, and until it does, we are here for you! & once it is gone, and you try to move on, that is what the "New Beginnings" forum is for! You can talk to others who are starting all over again... but until then, we are all here for you.

Well, nothing new in my situation, most of my pain is caused by myself. Youngest stepD (the one most engaged with OW and OC- and dating OW's adult brother )is still texting FWH. I encourage him to call her and talk to her, but he says he's not ready yet, which I understand, they have done so much hurtful shit to us, it's insane. She often tell him to tell me hello and that she misses me, and wants to meet our DD, and he tells her he will, but he never tells her "Want2help says hello" or any reply like that. Which, I don't mind. Every time those girls have intentionally hurt me in the past, I have chalked it up to them being young, and they are all adults now (youngest stepD is 17).

Last night I had a dream I was at oldest stepD's wedding (which is coming up, her second wedding, and she is only 22) and she made a speech about her wonderful mother, who then stood up and they embraced. Then she made a speech about her wonderful stepmother, and OW stood up to receive her hug, and StepD came to ME. I laughed at OW and told her she was not the stepmom. Then we got in an argument, I cut her down, and the pastor at the wedding congratulated me on "winning the match" (lie a referee). The theme all through the dream was OW being rejected, by my H, by my stepDs. It was great, considering the whole time I was pregnant I dreamed of the opposite. I even had nightmares my late father was claiming OC as his grandchild and not my daughter.

Weird. Anyway, I always have a hard time accepting the NC decision around the holidays. I guess I will be here often, posting and reading Repeat's posts to remind me of what contact & visitation look like. Like Island said, much credit to you Repeat, I would have gone postal and beat OW down by now. You are a tough woman.

Have a good night, you all.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1957 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no clue what went wrong with what I was saying yesterday, but I was jumped on after the kids went to bed about something I said to OC.

DS10 has been told that we won't order books from the Scholastic flyers (most parents of young kids know they peddle books & toys almost monthly). I think the items are usually overpriced & I can get the single books @ Books-a-Million without buying the toys that go along with them.

Well, fWH told OC she could buy $20 of items (books, kits, junk) out of one yesterday. When DS10 heard, he started to say "but you told me" and I interrupted and said something like "I know DS10, the next time you get a Scholastic flyer, you can get whatever you want from them."

fWH said the way I worded it was rude toward OC.

I just felt like him going & telling OC she could order items, after we'd decided DS10 couldn't have any from the same type of catalog was unfair. Sometimes, I feel like fWH is trying to win OC's love by buying her stuff. Of course OW can buy her stuff monthly, she has OC's $800 for necessities & other stuff. We cannot throw away $20 on mostly junk toys from a catalog, when it'd be much better to go to the bookstore & get it instead w/out the attached junk/trinkets. Plus, Christmas & birthdays are coming up & I've alloted much of COM's checks for their Christmas gifts & DS10's birthday next month. We'll already have to come up w/extra out of fWH's check (which is minus taxes) for OC's gift that is ~ same $ value as what we buy DS14/DS10 for gifts.

I suppose I wasn't polite in saying it the way I did, but fWH just cannot go telling OC she can have something, that COM have been denied by us.

Oh well. I suppose we'll each get over it. I think he tries to overcompensate for being part-time daddy for OC. It is what it is. fWH & OW made the choice to make OC have two full-time parents, and have COM living through a D, or OC always being w/out both parents. I felt like I had my hands tied when OC was expected & born, due to having such young children & not wanting to deprive them of fWH's love (since I was fatherless). OC is always going to draw the short straw of fWH's time, unless we D.

I'm feeling a push lately from fWH to sneak in words like "when my next check comes, I'll buy this out of it." Almost like your/my money. We've never done that. If he wants to do yours/mine & buy hobby stuff or OC all sorts of stuff, I'd hate it, but I pay for family coverage for fWH/OC out of my pre-tax $$$ for health/vision/dental & I cut down my 401-K down to 1% so we could buy land (which never happened - always spending what we put into savings). And, those PPV $50 fight nights on cable really add up.

I just get frustrated sometimes. We go out of our way to make OC 'fit-in,' when I'm not so sure she should completely. She is different. She isn't my child & I didn't choose to give birth to her. The only choice I had was to leave my husband & be a single mom (fighting tooth & nail for joint custody), or stay w/fWH & suck-it-up. Both choices would've left COM & myself in unfortunate situations & having to do without while OW/OC would've had everything we (as a couple) had worked hard for.

Even though he doesn't pay CS any longer, OC's financial impact still exists in our home. Especially since he went on disability for substantially less income than he brought in before...thank GOD our DSs get $$$ we can use to help care for them. DS14 is eating us out of house & home...and once DS10 gets older & hits puberty, I suspect he'll be just as hungry.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
eyesnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, November 18th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, the OC has arrived. It is a boy and I now know the name. It makes it so much more real now :( but at the same time, it makes it easier because it's not all about OW anymore, I can now focus on OC and what we need to do to get the paternity test and move on, either way. Of course I'm hoping that it's not his but fully prepared if it is. I admire everyone of you for making it through this difficult journey.


Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, November 18th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Eyesnowopen))). I remember when OC was born...I know this sounds nuts but I prayed it wasn't a girl...because I wanted a girl. Lucky me it was a boy and so far she hasn't tried to give him my fwh's last name. I hope she keeps it as her last name. The waiting sucks, but it is also good to be prepared. I thought I was fully prepared for the results...I fell apart but I think I needed to. I tried too hard to be stoic.

We are getting prepared for fwhs court date next week. He's been emailing his new attorney and so far so good. He talked with his job...they have been understanding. Not too sure what all he told them, but they are also fully prepared for the stupid subpoena OW filed to dispute his pay. He works for a large company so I would looove to be a fly on the wall when she is questioning their lawyers/admin. Lol! Her lawyer is only a limited rep so she is still pretty much represnting herself. Seeing as how she has been bitchy and rude I'm sure it will go over well :) I know this sounds rude but I really hope that we get a Christmas miracle and his CS gets dropped below $1000. She can only lie so damn much about her finances I'm sure she is freaked about everything the new attorney asked for (her financials, job applications, work history, etc.).

My fwh working overnites has really taken a toll on me, though. Caring for 2 kids is tough alone. Just 2 more nites of work...it gets lonely and I've noticed myself slinking into a little post partum depression (on top of my current depression and anxiety disorder). I have an IC appt on tues morn and we are hoping to start the MC at the end of the month.

Hope everyone takes care and has a good Friday.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
eyesnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Island. I feel like we have been waiting for this for seven months. And now that the OC is here, I can concentrate on finding out if it is H's and just dismiss OW. Not sure if this makes sense but as long as she was pregnant with him, they were a package deal, now I can see a future of dealing with the OC, if I have to.

We are going next week to have H's part of the paternity test done and to also start the proceedings for the court ordered paternity test (she swears she wants NC and no money, yeah right) and for custody and/or visitation if it is his. I truly just want to get this show on the road, so to speak. I'm tired of living in limbo.

Good luck with the court battle next week, Island, and hope these next two days/nights pass quickly for you.

I honestly don't see how you are handling it with a small baby yourself.

Hugs to everyone!


Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tthanks eyesnowopen. I knew about OW and potential OC since she had just found out, at 3 weeks. Who says that wasn't planned?! I honestly think that my baby and my toddler have gotten me thru this...a huge part of me now stays because of the kids. it would just break my son's heart if he couldn't have us both together, so I keep it together to give him the family I never had. I know "they" say one shouldn't stay for that reason, but its a valid reason in my eyes. Plus I would be lying if I said I didn't still love fwh. I do, more so now that he is genuinely trying to change and fix the broken pieces of our marriage. We have our first MC after he has court on Monday...Monday is going to be such a mentally exhausting day for both of us.

But yes, I will admit while hard to stomach and swallow, knowing for sure about OCs paternity ended up being a relief from the limbo. Of course I say this now. After next week I hope to just get this all behind us and we move forward with fixing us, then revisitng the idea of NC later.

So turns out my fwh's HR will be verbally dealing with OWs limited rep lawyer. The financial people they wanted to drag to court are in a different state far away. Fwhs HR should be more than adequate. Plus the HR agrees with my fwh as far as his pay goes. So looks like OW may have wasted $ and time... Ha! Hope so. Also, she is acting like a divorced spouse trying to go after fwhs bonuses, stocks, bonds. Please. Not happening. Our lawyer has reassured us it won't happen. Plus we found out she has been unemployed for 2 years and has NOT been looking for work. She called fwh's lawyer office and screamed at the paralegal, trying to use big words and the paralegal just laughed at her, and OW hung up on her. The judge was pissed before and she has to have all that paperwork ready for the same judge...looks like we will get some truth soon enough about her income. I told fwh I wouldn't be surprised once the CS gets reduced that she attempts to call me. I dare her to. A part of me HOPES she does. Isn't that crazy?! I just want to tell her off...I got to tell my fwh off plenty of times now I feel its her turn. I have been biting my tongue until all the legal CS stuff was done...I know I should just forget it. Hoping that my overdue IC appt and this new MC appt helps curb some of this anger.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

[This message edited by IslandWahine at 10:40 PM, November 19th (Friday)]


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((eyesnowopen)) My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2069 | Registered: Feb 2010
hurtntoomuch
♀ New Member
Member # 8163
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, November 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted much here over the last five years, but I read almost every post. My WH OO is 4 1/2 now. We have never seen her. She initially too my WH to court for CS but once she realized OC would be spending time with our family, I think she felt threatened and decided on no CS if we agreed to NC. At the time, it was the best scenario for our family. With four children of our own, $200 a week CS would have been a major hardship for us. We have never seen OC and she only lives about 5 miles from us. OW has not asked for anything since. Our families were good friends at one point and after affair, of course that changed. I was treated like the bad guy in all of this. Go figure!! The problem now is I constantly think of OC. My WH never mentions her. How can he not be curioius? She is his child. Why does it bother me so much that he just walked away from his own flesh and blood and got off in my eyes, "scott free". I worry about the day she shows up looking for him and wondering why he wanted no part in her life. I have told my WH, I have no problem with him being in her life, as every child deserves to know his/her parents. Even if it's on a limited basis. I would almost rather deal wit the situation now instead of waiting and wondering what lies ahead down the road. At least my mind and worries will be put to ease. I know OC is innocent. I have urged him on several occasions to see if he can arrange with OW to meet OC and possibly set up some sort of visitation schedule, and in return we can give some small amout of support and possibly health insurance if OW agrees. Am I crazy? Why do I obsess over this??

Posts: 45 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Massachusetts
whyme101
♀ New Member
Member # 29967
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, November 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate....unfortunately. I received a message last night from the OW saying she is pregnant and due 7/20/11. For those who don't know my story.....my husband is an addict. He was sober for 7 years before this relapse and when he relapsed he used this girl (20 yrs old, he's 41) to buy him drugs. He slept with her twice and of course, she's pregnant. We have been married for 7 years and have 2 children of our own. they are only 4 and 2. I don't know how to deal with the thought of him having an OC with this OW. She is immature and one minute will message on facebook saying she wants her child support and the next minute, asks him to terminate his rights. I did send her a message back & tell her if she didn't want my husband to have anything to do with this child, then she best get some other man to sign the birth certificate. *sighs*. I don't want to tell him that I can't continue the R with him if there is OC. But I just don't know if I can handle seeing this OC all the time & knowing my children will be doing without because he made a stupid mistake!! HELP!

Posts: 16 | Registered: Oct 2010
eyesnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, November 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Whalers and Island and welcome to whyme101.

I'm doing okay right now, will be doing even better tomorrow when we get the process going on all of this. It's been such a trying time being in limbo, just waiting.

Someone asked H at work if it was true that he has become a father again. OW is starting to show up a bit in ways like this because she has been silent for about two months now. I think she thought he would leave me as soon as the OC was born to be with her and is making sure he knows that it's here. Little does she know we know its here, its name and birthdate, everything we needed to know to get everything going. It's going to be a rocky ride from here on out. Thank goodness we've had seven months to work on us, since the second D day.

Good luck this week Island, I hope it turns out okay for you and your family.

hurtntoomuch, it's very hard being a mom and knowing there is a child out there that does not know it's father, I think it's just the compassion and kindness in you that is making you feel that way. I personally wouldn't rock the boat of H wanted NC, I would be afraid OW would think they could pick up where they left off. Good luck in your situation.

whyme101... this is a horrible journey you are embarking on. Seven months ago I couldn't see how we could deal with it, didn't see how we could stay together, but we have done a lot of work on ourselves in that time. I worry about our child going without things because of OC too. We are going to try to get full custody, not sure if it will happen but if not, joint custody will help with the child support. Sounds like the OW is a lot like this one, cant decide what she wants. Is your H remorseful? Will your marriage make it through contact with OC? if not, you might want to consider NC. There is a lot of good info on this thread, you aren't alone, we all deal with different issues but it helps to come here and post and know that you have a lot of support from people who have gone through the same thing.


Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
whyme101
♀ New Member
Member # 29967
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, November 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks eyesnowopen. My husband is very remorseful for what happened. he is now in a drug rehab center trying to get his sobriety back on track. I try to bring up the OC but he is in denial that she is pregnant & keeps saying that he will deal with it when the baby gets here. Me, on the other hand, it's eating me alive now. The A was bad enough, but to be linked to this OW for life now.....UGHHH. When I did get him to discuss the OC on one occasion, all he said was "it's not like i'm going to be there with the OW when she has the baby. And i'll take a dna test & pay cs if i have to. But it's not like I'm going to have that kid around all the time." I think my WS is asahamed enough of what he did that he can't quite process the thought of an OC. Like I said, he's in denial. We are due to start MC when he gets out of rehab. I don't think our marriage can survive the OC being in our lives. But who am I to say there can be NC with the OC? Who am I to take a father away from an innocent child?

Posts: 16 | Registered: Oct 2010
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, November 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Eyes)) you are showing amazing strength and I am so happy that you decided to be proactive in this situation. While we can not prepare totally for this situation, you will be in a better place since you decided to take control.

((Island)), good luck with this, it sounds like you have a better lawyer this time and I hope that he is able to get things done in your favor. The judge being upset with OW already is a positive, but as I have learned in the legal system, there is no way to predict what is going to happen.

Welcome hurtntoomuch and whyme101. Hurt, you care because you are a decent mother and can't understand how anyone can dismiss the OC or any child. That was one of the things that got to me when I first found out. My H was willing to walk away from these OC once he told me the truth. He said it would hurt him, but he didn't want to hurt me anymore. Don't invite the OW in your life, maybe one day he will want to know the OC, but let him decide that and then your both deal with it together.

Whyme101, my first suggestion is that both you and your H go NC with OW and consult an attorney to protect your interest and your children. Insist on a paternity test as soon as baby is born, have a plan in place to deal with this, whether you R or not. Please feel free to lean on us for support.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Question  Posted: 5:43 PM, November 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome hurt and whyme. I'm pretty new here as well, and felt everything both of you have. Why am I "worrying" about OC? Will my marriage last once paternity is revealed? What is going to happen when OC shows up on our doorstep 1 day wondering why my fwh wanted NC? How could my fwh want NC with OC, and he's a fantastic father to COM? What I have learned is don't try to get answers to these questions immediately. You really have to take 1 day at a time. I had a friend tell me "don't quit anything on a bad day" and I try to live by that.

The good thing about the ladies here is you can get input from both sides...C and NC, and honestly it has been a Godsend. But don't balme yourself...and don't forget this isn't your cross to bear. Keep you and yours first, otherwise this eats you alive. I had to smack myself upside the head because I felt myself going down that dark path.

We are all here for each other, so please feel free to talk with any of us public or private. I check here daily.

We spent all day avoiding talking about tomorrow until now. We are both nervous since we haven't seen this new lawyer in action, but hopeful that since he is the head of the firm he's confident and has our best interests. I will be at home with the kids, and we have our first MC appt later in the afternoon. Nervous about that too...it means we have to talk about things that I put in mental lockup. Not looking forward to opening old wounds and scraping fresh wounds, but I know it will help in the path to full R.

Thank you for your thoughts, I will be back tomorrow nite.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
Mandilwen
♀ Member
Member # 27186
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, November 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want to welcome the new ones and give hugs to all. It's been awful!!!! Okay it hasn't been too bad, but OW has been living with my xh in our old house for the last three weeks. It really sucked when my six year old said "I really like her, maybe daddy will marry her now."

But that was it. She already left. And guess who was begging me to come back? Guess that whole fantasy came crashing down when you have a 6 year old, 15 month old, AND their 6 month old. And paternity proved it's his. She is supposedly coming back in two weeks, but according to delta bravo, she will be leaving country for good in march and they are finished. I told him no way in hell would we be together now or in the future, but I would be happier if she wasn't in my city, lol!

There were/are still some rough times for me, but my present/future are looking better and better. I wish all the strenghth for those of us in these shoes that are affected by an OC. I feel so sorry for all the little innocent victims out there.

[This message edited by Mandilwen at 11:01 PM, November 21st (Sunday)]


BS-34; WXH-32; DS8; DS3; OC3
DDay: SEPT 2008
Divorced: JUNE 2010

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Indy
HurtInKorea
♂ Member
Member # 29947
Default  Posted: 3:14 AM, November 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need some honest feedback.

My wife is pregnant with OP's baby. We are working on R and I have agreed to raise this baby as my own. I am working with OP to get him to give up his rights.

My fWW sends me an email yesterday telling me that she is resenting me for trying to push OP out of his childs life. She thinks that all biological fathers have the right to be there for the ultra sounds and be there at the birth. She thinks I am wrong for saying if he wants to stick around he will be paying child support. He is already paying on one child and his finances suck. Myself and OP are also both military and he is moving soon so he will not get to see the baby much. She thinks because of that he will just sign away his rights because he cannot afford to do anything else.

If I am agreeing to raise this child as my own, I want this baby to think of me as his/her father, I want to be daddy. I do not want to be a stepdad.

Before you go into all the she is still in the affair, yes she is still in the emotional affair with him (she thinks she loves him), although there has been NC from her side since 2 days after Dday. He did not honor the NC so I got his commander involved. He is listening now.

My question is, am i wrong in wanting to hide this from my child? and am I wrong for pretty much forcing him out?

Right now my wife is just starting to get through some of the fog, but for the most part she is still lost.


Me:BH(28)
Her:WW(27)
OP(sperm donor): my ex best friend (agreed to walk away and never come back)
OC: 15 months, (my beautiful baby girl)
2 boys (6&9)
DD:21Oct10(our 10 yr together ann.)
Married 9 years

Posts: 53 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Norman OK
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