If fWH were working & he had $4000/month gross income, it would not matter a hill of beans if I was SAHM & our mortgage was $1000/month & health insurance cost was $400/month (maybe federal withholdings of say $550). CS would calc. off of the $4000 (not the $2050 we had left over).
I really do think they'll include your fWH's anticipated annual overtime in the calcs. when they get down to it. You should check into seeing if COM factor into the calcs (like a credit for in-home children).
I'd be careful about quitting good-paying jobs though to avoid CS, courts might find out about it & consider him underemployed and jack the rate up to what they think he's capable of bringing in.
I know my uncle (years ago), quit a plant-manager job @factory (big bucks) to work as a bouncer for a bar. He had been paying something like $4000/month CS on his DD. I don't know if the judge allowed him to reduce CS or not, when he quit the good-paying job. But, he didn't have any COM either, but was M to 2nd wife. I know lawyer used OW's previous pay (before she took the $9/hr job) as her estimated annual income (which also included bunches of OT).
Also, we asked again about fwh's OT and shift diff--he reassured us that we should be very safe with that since it's not guaranteed, especially since his last paycheck showed that it wasn't (he was on paternity leave). My fwh is going to look into getting a 2nd job, and the lawyer said that that won't get counted so that was fine. Just in case you are wondering, we are in XXXX (I'm going to leave it up for awhile then going to delete it).
The lawyer didn't say anything "bad" would happen if we NC, but that it DOES "look" better as far as parenting goes if we at least offer to do 1 day a week visitation or something like that. Or at least set up something but just not see the kid (which is what fwh wants to do). *sigh*
If we can get it down to $750ish a month, then we could actually afford that.
Thank you for your replies!
[This message edited by IslandWahine at 6:03 PM, November 4th (Thursday)]
I am looking forward to Thanksgiving, OW and BIL are going to her family's house for 2 nights so Thanksgiving at my house will be without them!
H asked about getting OC for some time Christmas to spend time with us and open gifts. He said OW said, I guess it's too much to ask for us all to have Christmas together. WTF! H said that we would all be going to my IL's house to eat (just like every Christmas). OW is such a control freak! She wants H to have OC when he is a pain in her ass or stops her from running the roads, but she wants to play mother of the year for holidays?! All she is going to do Thanksgiving is dump her C at her GM and M's and go out drinking and partying with her friends.
H said he would ask about Christmas when it got closer and if she still hemmed and hawed, he's get out the court papers, which entitles him to time on Christmas and Thanksgiving. Oh well, not my problem. I wish I could have COM's birthday (with my family there) without OW there, but can't really not invite BIL. Ugh! If every WH got a glimpse of our lives before they decided to have A, the infidelity rate would go WAY down.
It has been a long time sense I have posted here, but I do come on and read post often, just to keep up with how you all are doing.
REPEAT it's me the one with the Twin OC. LOL..
FWH and I have been doing fairly good, OW has left us alone for the most part. We do have the Twins every weekend, with exceptions to us needing our alone time for weekends here and there. FWH will pick up the boys at the sitters every Saturday night, and then on occassion drops them off at home when OW is there.
OW has found herself another boy toy for now, he just turned 21 Halloween. WOW she is looking for stability. NOT!!!
We have had many odd things happen, where we discovered that the twins have run away from OW house at least three times that we know of. I particular event has us very concerened, that one of the boys showed up with a big cut on his finger, OW told FWH that the other boy climbed up on the kitchen counter and got a knife and cut his brother. WTF, does she ever pay attention to what these two yr olds are doing, apparently not....
On the other hand OW has been living the life though, July went to Washington for ten days with the boys, then about three weeks after that, went to phoenix for four days to a water park, with her to oldest boys, then she went about three weeks after that to Cabo,Mexico for five days with friends, the last trip she took was to go back home about four weeks after that (which is Washington) to see a friend that was passing. She hardly works anymore, but why should she when she can live like that off the $2000.00 a month CS, plus whatever CS she gets from her EX...
I went back to work, to help us get our house out of foreclosure, but just recently was let go. But did manage to get house back. thank goodness...
We went and had our family portraits done about 3 weeks ago, for the first time. Odd having a picture of me and FWH with twins after 25yrs of marriage. They have taken to me, they call me mommy she-she, because they cannot pronounce my name correctly. LOL. They don't like it when i go out of their sight, which makes me feel good.
FWH has been doing and saying all the right things, but I still have my moments, if this is what is best for me in the long run, but I guess that is all part of healing, and adjusting to something we never planned for.
All in all things are normal as could be, with having children involved and a FWH. Something that is not normal in any sense.
We have been talking about taking OW back to court first part of the year, to get more custody and modify CS, hope that all goes well.
Wishing you all the best, all of you strong women, this is not easy, but it can be done.. Main thing is we truely have to except what is now, to be able to move forward and be happy with what we do have now.(I am still working on the excepting part, the deep down part of what he did to me/us)
I am glad things are going well for your family. Calling you momma? That's good that they have accepted you & like having your around. fWH had a similar visitation schedule until a year or so ago. Now, OC requested full alternating weeks visitation w/each parent, it has gotten much easier, as dropoff/pickup is @school & I don't have to see OW daily.
Big Thanksgiving dinner @school on Nov. 15th. OC said OW will be going, as fWH went to her dinner last year (let's see if she really does). I suspect since OC's little sis is in K this year, OW & BH#2 will both go to her dinner (which OW never did for OC). Bad thing is, OC & DS10 have lunches that overlap about 15 minutes (I think)....or maybe the whole lunch. I so don't want us to be around OW/BH#2. What if OC wants us to sit together???? How do you tell OC that I hate OW's guts & sitting near her is out of the question?
Well, if all goes as planned, OC will be on a church basketball league. 1 game weekly, one practice weekly. Since we alternate weeks, I suppose it'll be each parents' responsibility to get her to the events. It would be nice if fWH would opt to not attend OC's games on OW's weeks, but I suppose that's too much to hope for. OC might play in league @OW's new church (which will be very awkward, since some people there know fWH but don't know about OC or fWH's A). Wonder what they'll think about me...think I'm the OW who stole fWH from her after she had OC???? Wonder if they'll think OW is an xW & I'm the new W (or that COM are fWH's SSs)? Well, only 8 games/8 practices (Jan-Mar). So much easier than 2 practices/week & ~22 games (Oct-Mar)...plus more if win games in tournament that she'd done with boys/girls club BB plus running all over 3 counties for games. All these games are in-town (<20 min away or just 2 blocks over from our home if she opts for the more local church league). If it's 2 blocks away, wonder if ILs will attend?
fWH actually mentioned CS yesterday. Said he's concerned that OW will come back asking for back CS, since we didn't have it adjusted since both OW/fWH had jobs. If he goes & gets it recalculated, I hope he has the visitation revised to include the new schedule which will give him about 40 days more on-paper (which will also give him more $$$ credit on the calcs). From my calcs, OW might owe him.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 9:14 AM, November 5th (Friday)]
Thank you to everyone who popped in to say hello...as much as it pains us all to be here, it helps remind me that I'm not alone and that others DO make the decision to try and work on the M. It's reassuring because there are days I wonder what the hell am I doing? I'm bummed that we tried to set up yet another MC appointment, but they can only see us on Saturdays and we don't have anyone to watch our 3.5 year old son. I would bring the baby, but not my son! So we are hoping to hear back from someone else next week. And that one was too bad--she was RIGHT down the street!
I had to get after my fwh today; he has been super down in the dumps (and rightfully so) and I had to remind him that I don't have the luxury of falling apart right now, and neither does he. He needs to pull it together--that check had to get in the mail today, our kids still need their father, he still has to go to work. I told him I respect that he feels like a load of shit right now, but the situation isn't going away, we still need him, and life is still going on. It's the only way that I have been able to function--to know that our COM still need us to be as well as possible, and I can't have our son see us looking all down and miserable. So hoping that when he wakes up to go to work he is in a different mind-frame. I hate to sound so harsh, but as much as I want to curl up in a ball and sleep for days right now I cannot. But yea, putting that first $300+ check in the mail today stung like a bitch let me tell you...
I was able to drive today and that really helped my spirits. I always joke that I should have been a truck driver because I LOVE driving! It was good to feel independent again, although I did overdo it a little when I went to the grocery store! But the freedom of being able to go where I wanted was nice. Plus I needed to get out. My BFF is hopefully coming over tomorrow so I can have a shoulder to cry on. It's been hard to talk with her about this because I think I mentioned before that she is a single-mom; her ex is locked up in jail for the next 2 years, has been in and out of jail for most of her daughter's life. So her situation is totally different and she acknowledges that and tells me it's ok to talk with her about this. So that makes me feel a little better. I need to just have a moment to cry to a friend!
I hope everyone has a nice weekend. Despite everything going on I'm going to try to, maybe even buy my daughter something nice because a little shop-therapy can be a wonderful thing!
Everyone's child support stories scare me a lot :( not enough to stop reading them but enough to realize that we really should trying to get as much custody as possible to keep from losing so much household money. I did look into a legal separation to minimize the damage if she retains full custody but it would cost us over a thousand to do it then it would only change the amount of CS by 20 a month or so. Besides the state she is in takes the COM into consideration, thank goodness. Our attorney says in that state the judge starts out looking at the case as 50/50 to begin with then goes from there. From what i have read, 50/50 only works if the parents get along and are willing to work together to ensure that the child's best interest are put first. However, OW will in no way go for that because she doesnt want him or me to be in the child's life. Mainly me, of course. So we are going to ask for sole custody first and see what happens. I know she will fight us over it but hopefully with her history of abusing prescription meds and other factors we will have a chance.
I can't remember who asked if we wanted to hear everything that is going on but speaking for myself, yes! I may not post much but i read every day and want to know how everyone is dealing with their daily lives with OC. It just helps me prepare for the worst and hopefully for the best as well.
Hugs to everyone!
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
Hmmm. OW on disability for some unknown reason (supposedly), filed bankruptcy last year, had 2 automobiles repossessed, cannot afford OC's lunches, but didn't qualify for free/reduced lunch. Manicures whenever, new Ford Focus....yes, I guess it's time for them to get a new baby. As long as fWH doesn't have a part in it, it's none of my business...just hate to see us paying CS after all those years paying (when she owed us). And OC being w/us 50/50 now, even though it was basically that before. It'd be my luck that OW had twins or triplets (wonder how much CS on OC would go up, if OW added 2 or 3 more children to in-house kids)?
Oh well....we'll see. OC said OW/BH#2 wanted a baby, but didn't want a baby....whatever that means. I think OW is talking BH#2 into another child since the other 2 are @school all day. Maybe he's pressuring her to go off disability & go back to work...or maybe the disability was temporary due to depression or something & he knows they'll drop her sooner or later. If she really did qualify for disability & just isn't living off OC's checks. She should've been debt free except her car payments & mortgage (which BH#2 pays). When they lost 2 vehicles to repoman, they bought a really older vehicle for cash & put a tellow sign in back window that said "don't laugh, it's paid for."
I don't wanna scare you too much, but custody was okay for us before as OW didn't really want OC for anything except leverage toward fWH (thinking he'd probably leave me w/her having a child also right after DS10 was born).
It got the worse for us after A#3 & I made fWH go NC as part of me not D him & attempting R#3.
Well, also the fact that fWH didn't continue to give OW $400/month when CS was all legalized & visitation in parenting plan. She was fine when we paid her bills & we kept OC more than her.
Odd sermon yesterday. Three things that keep us from leading a Blessed life. #3 was forgiveness....holding grudges & being able to forgive. Yes, that is certainly one of my weakest points. I don't know if I can ever forgive fWH & OW conceiving OC on purpose, or having a 3rd A, after I'd been caring for OC all those years. OW actually acting like we could go back to business-as-usual concerning OC, after she's been having another EA/PA w/my H. The anger eats me up inside. I may just have to seek IC again, as I'm not sure I will ever just "get over it." My mom told me to quit visiting SI...thinking it was making it worse. I think it's the opposite...I have a place to vent, where people "get it." Where they struggle with similar issues and don't normally hit me with 2x4s for just speaking my peace.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 8:47 AM, November 8th (Monday)]
I, too, come everyday and read and "catch up" on everyone. Though I haven't post much, I still think and care about each of you.
Things are....like walking on egg shells, sort of. I don't know. Each day is different. My H feels guilty for NOT missing oc. I can't say I'm upset about that though. He doesn't see oc, doesn't communicate with ow (much to ow tries)...but H is still very much depressed (although won't admit it), won't see ic or mc, and barely tries for us. I filed about a month ago, he knows, and have yet to serve him.
I just don't know anymore.
Anyway....thinking of you all.
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
I'm just glad that OC's grade isn't in the Veteran's Day program that DS10 is in on Thursday. The whole school will be there, but fortunately it won't include OC's extended family (well, except OC & her little sis as part of audience).
Are you holding off on the D, in hopes for R, or just not quite ready yet? D or R are both difficult decisions. I wish you the best in whatever happens.
R w/OC involved seems much harder to me, than when we've R and it was only me, fWH, & DS14 involved.
Looks like our lawyer came thru for us; fwh has a court date on the 22nd for reduction of cs. This will have her financials plus we are adding in COM...pray that we get a decent reduction (but still meeting OCs needs as our goal isn't to screw him over)! The lawyer feels confident for us! I'm sure OW is livid because remember she wanted MORE money! And now her income, which she conveniently left off, will be counted :)b. I'm sure she will be on the phone trying to harass his lawyer once again.... we also found out that my health insurance will cover OC and also help reduce the CS...the judge just has to order it and we are set. I carry the health and dental, its an awesome plan, and it won't cost me any extra to add another child since they are family plans. We know she will be pissed and will try to request the child to stay on state aid, but the lawyer reassured us that the state will only be more than happy for private insurance to cover the kid!
So hoping all goes well...we will be on pins and needles until then.
I hope you get a good reduction.
I personally don't look at even a significant reduction as "screwing OC over". If I did, I would have to consider us screwing OC over. However, OW and her boyfriend bring home more than us since I am a SAHM (I don't know if her BF is having to pay CS or not on the kid he left behind to be with OW, but I assume he must be). I just look at it as now OW has to actually feel what she got herself into when she purposely got pregnant by my H.
OC's little sister sat not 2 ft away from us through whole Veteran's Day program (where DS10's class was performing). She waved @us when she saw us. OC came up & hugged us both & teased DS10 about his singing after it was over.
OC calls daily to speak to fWH. OW busted OC last week making calls to her w/speakerphone one. I have no idea why she calls OW in our bedroom w/speakerphone on. OW heard fWH in background & said "do you have me on speakerphone?" fWH wonders if the calls made to him are also on speakerphone.
OC's call yesterday was sad. OC told him it was church night (which we knew). She said she had a whole pile of homework & didn't know how she was going to get it all done. Here's the reason why....OW (SAHM) made them run to 3 stores after school, then to church, and plan to go to OW's mother's after church (which probably doesn't let out until 7:30PM or 8). fWH told OC that maybe her mom should stay home before & after church & stay up late w/OC to help her get done. fWH said he hoped OW was on speakerphone! He said the noise/chatter in the background of OC's call got quiet when he said it.
OC had one missing assignment & one 50% score the last week she was @home w/OW. The lowest grade on our week was an 85% (on something science). I guess OW didn't realize how much homework OC was really doing @our home! She complained that OC failed a test @our house (science) during our week & why didn't we study with her (told fWH how OC needed to sit down & study w/OC - guess she forgot that he's dyslexic).....funny, that grade hasn't shown up on the school's electronic system to see online.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 2:22 PM, November 11th (Thursday)]
OW asked me today what H's problem is - I didn't even reply. #1 - I haven't had a free moment to even deal with it, and #2 - I don't want to speak for him. We honestly have been super busy since August trying to get our house on the market, dealing with showings, packing, moving, and now unpacking. Next will be home improvements - all on top of 3 busy little kids and their many activities. He works tons of hours but I don't want to tell her that. She'll want a chunk too although since they aren't guaranteed they shouldn't be counted in CS (in our state). When he did have time this summer, we were still realing from our loss, and I asked him to not even address anything OC related for the time being. I was an emotional wreck and wasn't at a place to add anything else difficult into my world.
All of that being said, I honestly don't think he wants to have C with OC (and OW). While it may be selfish, I think it is just easier for us. We are able to focus on our COM and our M without all of the OW drama and miles for pickup/dropoff. It would never be simple with the miles between us (and that is ok with me).
Funny though. OW always calls when both BH#2 and I aren't around, like she wants to talk privately & flirt w/fWH or something. BH#2 is on 2nd shift again & I think OW is fishin'. Weary of worrying about OW & whether A#4 might happen.
OW claims OC is warned that any further misbehavior will lose her cell for rest of year.
OW also claims OC did turn in her 0% work, but it was late (she forgot to turn in)...and she didn't mention the 50% on her grades. I still think OW's running all over is going to impact OC's grades this 9 weeks. We'll see. Midterms close this week & probably get midterm grade reports sometime next week.
DS10 has had wonderful week at school. I cannot help but wonder if it's because OC wasn't home @all this week. OC's presence in our home impacts COM, even if fWH would never admit it.
Turns out that this new attorney sent OW a whole packet of requests for her financial history (she apparently got fired from her last job), photocopies of job applications, other income verification from the last 3 years, etc. So it looks like OW freaked out and hired a limited-representation attorney. Funny how she's so "broke" yet was able to pay an attorney. We KNOW she's trying to hide income...Well we didnt know what that is and it seemd they just give her advice and direction. But still I'm a little nervous because I liked the fact she didn't have a lawyer before. So now THEY sent a subpoena to my fwh's job requesting financials from the last 3 years on him! We provided his W2 which breaks down everything; looks like they ARE trying to go for his OT and shift differential--this is probably because OW knows she's about to lose $$$. This new lawyer is pretty confident that we're fine because again they will see the OT and shift diff are not reliable/guaranteed. And honestly it looks like this is being done to embarass my fwh.
So now I'm a little worried but he's not so much. Everything including this new request from her is all supposed to go down soon..wish us luck.
[This message edited by IslandWahine at 9:12 PM, November 12th (Friday)]