If my fwh gave me something and I passed it to my son it would've been ON. I mean, I would've never forgiven him OR myself (although I didn't find out until a month after the fact).
We have been arguing so much lately. I know it's hormones--plus the fact that it was this time last year that he was messing around with that tramp. He's been depressed and hasn't been helping me clean and I'm just about to lose my marbles. And then had the nerve to get mad at ME! I told him after everything I have put up with and been thru, he should be worshipping the ground I walk upon and thank his lucky stars that I didn't run off with our son. I got mad that we aren't in MC (he works overnites and I work days--it's hard to find someone to fit what little schedule we have together plus we would have to have our son go somewhere while we are there). I got mad that he's not acknowledging this new baby coming. I even accused him of not telling me everything and that I should call her to get the "whole" story (he has been very upfront about everything but I never confronted her). I'm mad over money, I'm mad over waiting, I'm mad over freaking everything! I understand what you were saying about somedays you wake up and you are just like AUGGG! I can only imagine that the rollercoaster of emotions gets worse over time.
In looking back, if OW would've been pregnant while I was pregnant...I'm not sure if my pregnancy could've survived the emotions I had before OC was born. I teased fWH the other day, that all my old classmates are starting families in their late 30s....maybe we needed to jump through hoops & have another COM. I know I was just joking, but some part of me wishes that COM were his last children....that OC didn't have that honor. I'm not so sure DS10 would've ever been conceived, if OW had gotten pregnant during their 1st A, when they were trying to conceive then. In my mind, there will never be a non-insane reason why OC was created.
I sometimes wonder if my husband has a split personality.
If I'd have truly believed what OW had said about them "trying for a while" when she told me in 2000, or fWH would've told me the whole truth about A#1/A#2 and trying to have OC, I don't know what the outcome would've been. Even after D-day#3, it was a few months I think before fWH told me the truth about OC's conception. It is just very hard to watch a man on D-day#3, who never cries (only seen him cry 2 times prior), to see him bawling for you, begging for you to stay, swearing he'd do whatever it took to prove his love. I honestly had had enough of all the bullsh*t, OW, and OC....I was truly ready to give up on our M. And, he does a lot of the housework now (so no arguments about that anymore), but sometimes I feel like we're back to the point we were at when A#3 occurred. It scares me. He takes me for granted. We do need MC and have for a long time, but the expense & actually getting fWH to go and MC not ruin any progress @R#3, I'm just scared.
We're going to that reunion tomorrow through Saturday night, traveling back Sunday. Wish us luck. It won't be like a honeymoon or anything with COM sharing a room w/us, but maybe if fWH sees me all dressed up in my little-black-dress, heels, & stockings...maybe he'll forget about anyone else. Hoping I look younger than all the other 38/39-yr-olds. My best friend said that I look like a young 20ish woman from before COM's births...now that I've lost weight, but she's my best friend & entitled to lie about stuff like that to boost my ego. I almost have in the back of my head that OC will need something & we'll have to return early....or that last-minute, OW will need surgery or get sick and we have to take OC w/us. I know it's mean to say, but it will be nice to have a weekend away & not have to deal w/OC & DS10's fighting (or OC's attitude). I'm worried about DS10 though....I have this horrible fear that he'll try & run away or something stupid due to his recent behavior/talk.
She wanted to her OC's ears pierced as a newborn, but H didn't. She called and asked what he thought, he told her, and she said that she could do what she wanted because he wasn't there to stop her. And she wonders why he isn't in her life.
Sorry everyone has to be here. Everyone is very supportive here and understands.
It's hard for me to get past A and OC also sometimes. OW gets on my nerves, seeing her, hearing her, just her driving by makes my nerves ratchet up. As you can tell from my profile, OW lives about 100 yrds from us.
I have forgiven H, but there are times I just think why? Especially when we have to explain how H has a child YOUNGER than COM by someone else. It's crazy! H got an additional life insurance policy for OC because I'll be damned if I am writing CS checks from H estate until OC ages out. We have to go to attny to set up a trust for OC also, that was OW cannot get her greedy hands on insurance money.
Repeat, nothing you can say to OW can change her delusional preconceptions of you. OW in my case acts like I'm the b*tch from hell, somehow she's the victim etc, etc, whine whine. Don't let her see you sweat.
I know it's hard not to focus on the past especially when there's a flesh and blood reminder walking around your house. You have to look at right now. Your FWH is with you NOW. He is committed to you and your family NOW. You cannot control what he and OW think, feel and do. If he decides tomorrow to take up with OW again, he F#cked up, because she will never be the strong, understanding, committed person you are. She is a skank who did orgies (kinda like my OW who did 3 ways)
Hearing that I Love you was exchanged hurts, that was one of the most painful parts for me. That love was not real. I kept thinking my H weighed me and COM beside A with OW and just thought A was worth more. I know now that H did not even consider what he could've lost in that moment.
Your FWH may have planned P, may have built all kinds of bulls#t castles in the sky with OW, but it wasn't real and it wouldn't have lasted.
My H said to his friends that if R did not work, that he would be with OW. He even told her 2 days after D Day that he only R with me for COM
's sake. That hurt. He realizes now that OW and him would not have lasted, he has no respect for her as a mother or person. She drinks, dips,uses people, and treats her children like a huge burden. OW can think whatever she wants about me, our M, the A. I can't change that, I am living my life for me, not to prove anything to anyone.
Our OC name is so bad, my stepD's friends were even leaving comments on my stepD's myspace laughing at the name (stepD deleted the comments eventually, I'm sure OW's feelings were hurt).
I do hate when I see poor children named Cherry, Notorious (yes, OC's teammate had this name), or Titan (for the TN titans).
H called to talk to OC the other night and spoke to OW for a minute (can't get much out of a 3yo). We knew that she had filed to have CS recalc'd because her daycare situation changed. Because of H's new job, his support amount dropped. LOL! Only like $10 a month, but I thought it was funny that she thought she'd be getting more only to have it backfire on her.
Look at this paper as the beginning of knowing what you are dealing with. Right now you are in limbo not having definite proof that OC is your H's. I had to treat it as a business deal in order to keep my emotions in check or I would have been a nervous wreck all the time. Try your best to separate the emotions and treat it as something you and your H have to get thru against OW.
I don't know if that will work for you, but it kept me sane thru this trauma.
As for the names of OC, I find it ironic that my H was present for doctor visits, and sonograms, and eventually named the twins and turned out not to be their father. I think it hurt him more when he found out.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 3:21 PM, September 27th (Monday)]
FWH had me proof read his CS paperwork before he sent it in (when CS was getting revised, and on it it asked him to list his dependents and his relation to them. Next to our DD he had written "Dad" and next to OC's name he wrote "Biological Father". It was kind of juvenile, but I got an evil satisfaction knowing it would hurt her, after the year she spent rubbing her pregnancy in my face (phone calls repeatedly asking me "Are you jealous??", emails telling me she hopes her pregnancy "eats me up inside" and telling me how much she "loves [FWH]'s sperm"). I feel bad for OC, and hope she never sees it, but I hope OW got a little taste of her own medicine there.
You are SO right to just see this as a "business transaction". I had up to now; I guess seeing the paperwork, paying the lawyer, etc. is just making it more real vs. just business. Seeing the kid's name (she picked a pretty popular/common name), her name also hurts as well--knowing it's something I'm going to see and deal with.
Thanks ladies...I'm also stressed with work and trying to get my house cleaned/squared away plus have been extra tired...this just sent me over the edge. You don't how much I wake up everyday and hope that this is not my fws's child...oh and I DARE her to say something smart to me (she has avoided me like the plague although she threatened for months to talk to me)...I'll have her in tears with the quickness
I think it odd that OW never took the revised BC to soc. sec. and had fWH linked to her, as we had to take over a copy of BC when fWH was getting SS disability because I suppose OW changed OC's name w/soc security, but somehow never declared a father or someone forgot to change her info. They didn't even have a new copy of the BC on file.
Almost 5-10 girls daily were named w/same name as OC (many-many different spellings). I was a nervous wreck when I was looking daily at our NetNursery trying to find OC's pics. There were so many w/same name born each day it was crazy. She had 2 others in her class last year & one other this year. Teachers call them Suzie J. and Suzie H. depending on last names (these aren't the real names). I doubt she'd ever choose to go by her middle name though...it's not very pretty. I'll never know why fWH's xGF & OW both wanted it as their daughter's middle names.
So during the ten minute convo, I told her several times that yes we are following through with this etc. After we hung up, she sent me four text messages on my phone bringing up personal stuff that I wish she hadn't known about me but obviously H had said to her at some point and told me I wouldn't be in the court room, that I am controlling his every move so I might as well be in his body and so on.
So my question is, for the people who have been through court for visitation and all that already, will the judge just let him and her in the court room for the proceedings? it is fine if that is the case but I do want to be in there, if possible. I also don't think she realizes that if I can't be in there, neither can the family that she keeps claiming is going to take care of her and the OC so she doesn't need him or me in the OC's life.
I am not letting any of this get to me, I just want to know what to expect.
She even said that she would have a paper drawn up saying that he doesn't have to be in it's life or pay child support to keep us from being part of the OC's life. I responded that it wouldn't matter if he signed away all his rights, he would still have to pay CS and she said she doesn't want that. yeah right. Then she said that blood doesn't matter in the courts, just who is taking care of her.
She really is going a little wacko at this point over all of this. It will be interesting to see what happens when she receives the official court order for the dna test after we see our attorney again in Oct.
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
WxBF has declared that OC is more important to him than me or our relationship.
Eyes, where I am, the OW cannot keep you from the court, oc, etc as you are the wife! Ow is just trying to rial you up. I'm so sorry.
I'm having a tough time as well. I should take the time to write about it, but I just don't have it in me. And it all may change tomorrow anyway.
My thoughts go out to all.
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
Eyes--I have every intention of being in the court room because she needs to see we are a unified front, and I almost crave the attention and I honestly dare her to say something. I really don't hold much stake in anything so I can allow for a minor tongue lashing we will see though because it all depends on how I recover from my surgery.
I really hope everyones week gets better...much aloha to everyonen