You can always vent to me!!
Just wanted to check in. I am still around. Things are....eh?!
I just am being. Not good, not bad. Up and down.
I am sorry to see new faces here...but just know you have found a safe place. We know how you feel.
Ugh....I just wish I was someone else at times...
How do you guys do it? (((sigh))) I am so unsure now....
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
I too just want to cry...bad enough my son saw/heard us argue (I had put him to bed and he woke up...didn't realize he came into the living room). I'm trying not to cry in front of him but its hard...luckily he went back to sleep pretty easily.
Gotta try and get some rest because I have to get up early for work. Goodnite and I really hope we all have a better week ahead! Everyone keep ur heads up high! We are true warriors and we can survive :)
I understand the panic attacks. When OC was expected, I was so afraid of seeing OW @Wal-mart or even going out anywhere. I really did get to the point where I was huddled in a ball on the couch after work daily, yea I put on a good face @work, but I wasn't caring for myself or my children the way I should've. You will get through this. I know panic attacks are horrible, as they recurred after EA/PA#3 for me & still do when I get around certain trigger locations in town. Just breathe & talk to IC about the attacks & the severe depression. ADs made me feel numb, no joy or agony. I couldn't continue them (I'd been put on them around OC's 1st b-day)...I just didn't feel like life had any meaning on them....just going through motions.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 8:24 AM, September 20th (Monday)]
It's funny & frightening in a weird sort of way.
I wonder if OW has been depressed over the antiversary of their breakup in 2008? There've been a lot of calls about OC lately....and some where OC brings fWH her cell & he says he doesn't want to talk to OW & just tell her yay or nay on whatever she insists requires a personal call.
OC asked fWH to text her phone to make sure it was working. I didn't know it, but our texting block also works on outgoing texts. fWH cannot receive or send texts to anyone NOT on the approved list. Yay! Texts & picture mail go both into his texting on new phone (old phone had picturmail separated...wonder if the block extends to picturemails also - that would be really wonderful & relieving).
I did a quick check of fWH's wallet & cell this weekend. Everything seems on the up & up right now. I sometimes worry that OW might try using OC's cell to communicate with fWH sneakily.
I'm so glad OW/OC agreed to basketball through the church league....only have to put up w/OW from Jan-Mar (in person - not including pickup/dropoff points where she & I try to avoid looking @each other). I won't have to see her on our 17th wedding anniversary weekend like both the past 2 basketball seasons. Complete NC w/OW would be so wonderful, but cannot expect that until OC is old enough to drive. Might be able to swing it, once OC goes to middle school in 2 years (which doesn't do bus dropoffs @our house since she's zoned for different middle school than DS10).
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 8:41 AM, September 20th (Monday)]
My "D-day" is the beginning of November (I have conveniently blocked the actual day out of my head). It hurts me to pieces to know that this time last year he had hooked up with the tramp--I'm lucky I've been too busy to think about it or care too much.
Hugs to everyone else too. This is such a crazy situation to be in. I sometimes envy the people who are dealing with the A crap because it seems like it would be so much easier without the OC or the OC to be hanging over our heads too.
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
Hi--below is a copied thread from my post in the newly betrayed section. I need some advice. Took me a while to find the right place. Angry right now, really angry. See below:
How to start? Iím bewildered, hurt, angry, and very numb. It seems to come and go in stages as the hours pass. Today is my anniversary. My husband called me
5 days ago from his military deployment to tell me that last feb he had a ďtrystĒ after drinking too much while TDY for training prior to the deployment.
She contacted him through a random person on facebook who must know her. She says that she is pregnant. He decided to confess to me so that said facebook person wouldnít contact me and blow the lid off. The baby is due in early November. I donít know who she is, just that sheís a skanky bar-fly who apparently did not know she was preggo for 6 and a half months and so could not "take care of it" (her words). (really????)
Iíve spent the last five days in shock, in tears, and in painÖlearning acronyms and terms on message boards I had never thought to visit. Last night, a little further questioning revealed that he saw her not once, but twice. So, he got drunk at a bar, took her to his hotel for the night, and did it again 2 days later.
He obviously doesnít even know the meaning of the word ďtrystĒ, or he never would have used it, as it implies complete premeditation of lovers. This last revelation was the real kickerÖonce may be a mistake, but he went back for more. Skank.
I had to call to get an appt with the ob/gyn and mental health counselor todayÖnot a fun task on my anniversary. I felt like a leper.
Iím leaving on a vacation with my sister that was set before all this happened in only 3 days. Iím not sure how Iím gonna process. I canít tell her. Sheís not the forgiving typeÖmore the cut them out of your life and burn out their eyes type. If we do reconcile, holidays would be hell for all time. Sometimes, like now, Iím pretty numb. Sometimes not so numb. This weekend was horrible. I pulled together for most of my work today, though my hands were shaking, and it felt like my heart was literally breaking at times...the actual chest pains like youíve been stabbed.
No getting to throw things and scream and yell at him. He isnít even here. I havenít seen him physically for almost 4 months. He doesnít come back for nearly three more months, before Christmas. Iím not sure what Iím supposed to do but sit and wait. He called last night and caught me in a numb moment and thought I might be doing better. I donít think he realizes how long this is going to last. That the thought of S makes me want to vomit. That the thought that if we do R, I will be paying child support for the next 18 years to a skank.
I know this another forum directed at people that have had ďOCĒ (I growl like a jungle cat every time I think of that insipid acronym and would much rather call it what it is.) during an affair, but he signed up on it. I do not want him reading my thoughts. They require 50 posts to get into the BS section, and as a new member, I do not have enough. I emailed them a few days ago, and no response. Wonderful, isnít it?
Even the receptionist at my OBGYN was snooty when I told her what I needed at the docís. We live in the bible belt, and she seems to think that any female patient calling for an STD test must be a slut. I could have cheerfully scratched out her eyes when she told me that I needed to go to the Department of Health instead. (resolved this a few minutes later, but the response still pissed me off royally.) We had seen that doc because heís also a fertility specialistÖwe were trying to have a baby. Nearly 3 years of me not on BC, and two nights with a skanky barfly, and she gets a baby. Thatís just salt in the wounds.
No, we have not done the paternity test yet, but the timing is perfect. Knowing now that he did it twice, and what I know now about the chances of conceptionÖIíd like to hope that it isnít his, but I really canít allow myself to be deluded by hope.
That all said, (and yes, thereís more) he seems genuinely contrite. He says it was only that time, but I donít think I can believe it. He says that he had no contact with her until the calls came about a week ago. I have forbidden him to have any further contact with her except in regards to the testing that needs to be done. I donít know how anyone can ever trust someone again completely, or if you just kind of coast through a marriage with no trust and learn to live without it.
The thought of that fills me with a deep fear. Iím afraid that he will come back, and weíll try for a while, and then it will all end in flames anyway.
I have more I could write, but I just donít think this is all going to fit in one post. Going to the counselor in two days. Iím really hoping she can prescribe me something to get me through a fun-filled vacation with my sister (who already kind of grates my nerves). Does anyone have any experience with that? Going to the obgyn the same day for the most humiliating doctor appt of my life. I canít believe that he could have given me a disease. That would just be the shit icing on the cake of hell and maggots.
He is so selfish. Iím glad that heís stuck in a tent in a sandpit alone for the next three months. F if Iím sending him any more care packages. He can rot for a while. That said, I love him with all my heart. I canít imagine D. I donít know what I would do. But, I need to love myself as well. I canít imagine finding another guy like the man I thought he was before this. I always thanked my lucky stars for him, and he did for me as well. He told me how lucky we were and how awesome I was all the time. I am totally disillusioned.
I received trich and HPV some my H which led to cervical cancer, I had a hysterectomy in 2008. If you have to get some meds to deal with the anxiety of this, do what you have to. I will tell you that it is a rollercoaster ride no matter which way you decide to turn. Remember you can only control you, not your H and not OW.
Back on Page #37, I reposted something called "OC handbook". It includes some very good suggestions on how to handle the OW/OC situation. There are a lot of decisions that have to be made in this situation, it is good to have a guide. We all here have different levels of dealing with this, you have to do what is right for you.
Please feel free to PM me if you have some questions or need to talk.
Take care of yourself. IC was necessary for me before OC's birth & for some others (if it can be afforded). Seek help if it's available to you. Unless you have a close friend, you might tell your sister...depending on how close you guys are. She won't like fWH anymore (maybe), but she could be a big source of support. Enjoy the vacation. I made fWH take us on vacation shortly after D-day#2 about OC, and I spent most of it hiding on the porch away from our toddlers crying on a swing. I couldn't deal with it. I didn't know what to do. Yes, many say 'don't do anything until 6 months past d-day.' But, with OC involved, sometimes things move fast...like fWH/SO leaving for OW & OC, or the whole situation being blabbered around due to OC's birth. By the grace of GOD, OW wasn't able to give OC my fWH's last name or announce OC as being fWH's child in the paper until later. OW had to give OC her xBH#1's last name (since she still carried it)...and fWH got it changed after DNA & adding his name to birth certificate. All along though, he knew OC was his (she was a planned pregnancy), if OW had called about delivery, fWH might've gone & signed the birth certificate & OC given his name right then. Just don't know.
I know ignoring him & trying to get on alone is probably easier right now w/out him being right in your face, but I think the whole mess will blow up on your after DNA & when he shows up for leave during Christmas holidays.
Do leave a little hope in there that the slut was bedding others besides him (yea gross), but that maybe, just maybe, OC might not be his child.
Yes, I'd like to hope that skank is trying to pin someone else's OC onto him. I'm preparing for the worst though.
I had to look up trich. I had never heard of it. I'm so sorry about your cancer...how on earth do you get over something so awful?
Keep yourself safe. No one wants to be here for this reason, but here we are. It's sickening, frightening, overwhelming, vile, and maddening. We are still waiting to do the paternity test so it's been a rollercoaster here, with OW texting asking for $ (fwh scraped the bottom of the barrel finding her).
I find IC really helpful--we need MC but our work schedules make it almost impossible to find someone.
Take care and we are all here for each other.
I too was nursing DS10 when OC was conceived & a few months after (while I assume A#2 was continuing). One of my worst fears was that OW might have a disease that I could get from fWH and pass on to DS10 through breastmilk. I quit nursing about 1 month prior to D-day#2. I don't know how I'd have been able to manage my mental health & still keep the full-time work & nursing my child (or trying to wean him), if I'd have found out any sooner about OC.
If I'm not mistaken, I think when I called OW about OC's due date, I think I ragged on her that she might have killed my son, if she had any diseases...I know I ragged on fWH about it.
Messing up our M & my life is one thing, giving DS10 an incurable disease that he might have had to live with (or die with) would be a outrageous casualty of an A. Honestly, if I'd have found out something horrible like DS10 was dying of AIDs from fWH/OW's As, it might have sent me off the deep end. I am an even-tempered person, but temporary insanity & double homicide might've happened. I know that's horrible to say, but they could've killed my baby for OW's happiness. They just better be glad she wasn't diseased (or passed it on if she is).
I'm a little worried I might have issues though. When I went to the 10-yr reunion in 2000, OC was expected & it was kinda hard to bite my tongue when people asked about "are you having anymore kids?" and stuff like that. We had a 10-month old baby & toddler in tow. I'm scared I will have flashbacks/mindmovies or something from that time period.
I've been really depressed lately. I know it has to do with the recent antiversary & I get this way once the kids' b-days & holidays roll around. The mind movies were in my head this morning & all the questions that go along with the uncertainty "will I ever know all the truth?" Our 17th anniversary is next month (our 21 years being together also)....in my head I just keep thinking "just make it to the anniversary...don't blow up...let it go." I know people say forgive....I just don't know how, with OC in our lives. Even after listening to self-help audiobooks by Gary Chapman (5 love languages, 5 languages of apology, & Anger: Handling a powerful emotion in a healthy way), I still cannot do it. Some days I think "I'm ready to try and forgive," but then something is holding me back. Maybe on my or fWH's deathbed...but, still then...I don't know. I know being this way is unhealthy for me (holding the anger inside me), but I just don't have that kind of forgiveness in me. How on Earth can I try and be a better Christian, if I cannot ever see me forgiving fWH for 3 As w/OW & conceiving OC on purpose?
It was in the early stages so I was lucky. Had the hysterectomy because of that and the fibriods.
How can I forgive it? Cause I am glad to be alive. If I was going to forgive my H for this, I had to forgive it all or it would not have worked for us. We are seperated now not by choice, our goal is to live together as a family again. Sometimes I think about how his behavior almost killed me, but I had to get past it. I was grateful that my OB-GYN saved me (god rest his soul, he himself died of cancer later).
Even though the OC is not what I would have wished for, I am grateful that I am the person making a difference in their lives. They will grow up to be respectful and have meaningful lives, not like when they were with the OW had nothing to be happy for.
But don't get me wrong, somedays this whole situation does smack me in the face, but I have to continue to live and that is what I try to do everyday.
repeat, always prayers for you and your situation.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 9:42 AM, September 22nd (Wednesday)]
1) OW planned a pregnancy w/out fWH's knowledge & OC was conceived during ONS.
2) OW was lying when she told me "we'd been trying for a while" when I called her about the pregnancy
3) A#1 was just stupidity & they weren't in love or anything (and certainly not trying to conceive a child together during both A#1 & A#2)
4) OW was just a stalker & fWH hand no lingering interest in OW after OC's conception (just poor judgement to go to "talk" w/OW and wound up in ONS/OC)
Things I now know:
* That fWH had feelings/interest in OW before she married BH#1, but didn't act on them until that stupid swinger/orgie whatever happened when they consummated their feelings for each other in OW/BH#1's home with BH#1's encouragement and BH#1 somewhere in the house humping someone else. Not sure if he loved her yet, but he certainly held her in very high regards.
* That BH#1 was actually stupid enough the week after ONS to call fWH and ask him if he'd bang OW on a regular basis (weekly), because she seemed to really enjoy it. (he was having As all the time & fWH was sometimes the cover story of "where'd he been while OW sat @home taking care of BH#1's child on his weekends to have her?") Should've known being friends w/someone like that was trouble.
* That fWH knew of OW's feelings for him before A#1 started (after the drunken sex ONS)....BH#1 had come crying to work 2 weeks after ONS that OW was leaving him & loved fWH (everyone @work heard them argue that "if you hadn't asked me to sleep w/your wife, she'd never fallen in love w/me.")
* Everyone at fWH's work knew about OW leaving BH#1 for my husband....many months before I even suspected A. I had been led to believe that BH#1 just thought his wife was leaving...that he never suspected anything about OW loving fWH. Everyone @his work heard from OW's ex-stepfather that OW was preggers by fWH long before I knew (or even suspected A#2).
*That OW/BH were having relations in his work parking lot (graveyard shift) in one of their vehicles, while I was @home missing him & caring for our toddler during A#1 (this doesn't include the whole Friday nights - or Saturday nights he was "out w/boys" when he was really relaxing w/OW at her apartment). And at motels/or parking lot again during A#2 while I was caring for our toddler/newborn. What is so disgusting is, he claims it isn't true but I know we had relations of some form EVERY SINGLE DAY (think he's a SA)...of that entire time usually either after he got off work (home around 2AM) or when I got home from work. He swears he never had relations w/us both on same day...but I bet he did. My mom was caring for our young children in the mornings when OC was conceived (so I could go into work earlier & spend time w/fWH in afternoons if I got off @2:30PM instead). Probably on the very day that OC was conceived, my mom saw him come home all disheveled from being at OW's mother's (or a motel)...and just thought he worked really hard that night...or even worse, what if my mom smelled OW's perfume on him & just didn't want to say anything (nobody in our families knew about A#1 until after A#2 because he asked me not to tell anyone except my best friend). How convenient was it to take PTO one night, then spend it w/OW? All along, I'd have thought he was at work.
*That I stupidly thought fWH was 4-wheeling w/boys during A#3, when he'd really taken PTO for a long day @motel w/OW. Even recently, I found "vacation request" forms from his old job in his glovebox. How much do you want to bet that OW filled out the forms for him (he's dyslexic), when she planned to take PTO herself? That even on one of the first outings w/the boys, I fixed him a cooler lunch, made sure his backpack had catheters, and even ran him some sunscreen outside before he left because I was worried his medication sensitivity to sunshine could cause a severe burn. I was so happy he had found some time to enjoy his friends & get some time off from work/kids/home.
What in the world would I have done if OW & I conceived w/in a month of each other and OC was 1 month older than DS10 (instead of being conceived during A#2 and 13 months younger).
Sorry for rambling girls/guys...I go through spells of this when I'm triggering or having issues w/mind movies.
I can feel a confrontation & another blowup in my near future....I have got to control myself....ugh! And, I'm not even PMSing.
How can I continue to love a man that has treated me this way? I must be the ultimate pushover. I was such a sucker for his crying on D-day#3. When I think "I can do this"...is when I fall apart again. Oh how I wish the holidays & basketball season were over already....Oh April, you cannot come too soon (but, that's OC's probable conception month...which is triggery too). I think there is some sort of crud every month of the year that makes me emotional.
BMC: what's going on with you guys? I know you keep saying you have to be S, but is it relationship-related or OC related, or just something else going on? Is it a planned S, or a cooling off period from something else going on? Are you still together in some form or fashion?
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 11:03 AM, September 22nd (Wednesday)]
I know that DS10 was conceived during R after A#1 (which turned out to be false R, since he couldn't give up his "best friend" to save our M). I really think OW believes DS10 was just me trying to hold on to fWH...no, it was me trying to make something happy happen to our family, so I could recover from their A. I also wanted to make sure that if M didn't work out, all my children were from fWH.
I somehow want OW to know how fWH cried over me on D-day (& weekend). I almost wish OC went home to tell OW all about her daddy crying & begging & blubbering and declaring his undying love for me over & over again.
I know it'd just open another can of worms, but somehow I just want her to know how he talked badly about her mothering skills, how he acted as if she was depressed/crazy woman, & if she knew what lies he told me about OC's conception.
Really repeat, the OW won't care if you write her a letter, it won't change her perception one bit. She is going to think what she thinks, all a letter will do is let her know that she is getting to you and your are obsessing over the role she plays,don't give her the satisfaction. If you want to purge your thoughts, write it in a journal or something, but don't put her in the middle of your marriage again.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 6:31 PM, September 22nd (Wednesday)]