I don't plan on doing anything unless he and I are in agreement...
I also plan on talking to our IC/MC about this as well...
Just looking for insight...
I personally feel that the siblings should know each other, but the main goal is to protect your family first. That is one of the reasons that I do not allow contact with the OC 2 siblings that they have that live near us. Because they have contact with OW, it is not in their best interest at this time to have contact. I have sent pictures of the OC to their siblings and we speak to them if we see them, but I can't allow the OW to hurt these children again. If the grandmother of her other children allows contact, that is her business. Once the OC feel comfortable, if they want to talk to their siblings I will not stand in the way.
There is also another factor, with OC being 6 years old, she already has some behaviors engrained in her personality depending on how she was raised. May not be a bad situation, but we had to deal with some serious behavioral issues when we took custody of the OC. Just some things to think about. Good luck with this.
For me, I don't think it would be something I would consider. Unless the kids were older and could make that choice for themselves.
I'd also think that if considering it, I'd make sure that my marriage was on very very solid ground.
Thinking of you all and wishing you well....
Just had a question...
I am kind of in a new place...I think....sort of the plain of leathal flatness....I just don't seem to care...I am okay. Happy even...just nothing toward WH....anyway...I have been having moments where I don't think I can deal with OC. I don't know if I want to anymore.
Before I was so ready to, to save my M, to be with my H...for us to be "us" with a new addition. I was okay with that. I was more than willilng if he was and all that comes with rebuilding our M. Now I just don't know. I just don't know what this would bring me. I am not sure if it's worth it anymore.
Is this typical?!
I have days or moments where I don't even know how I feel about my H...
I am so confused...not in a bad way like before...just thinking...sorting....I just don't know.
Thanks for listening...
Thinking of you all....
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
it's the scariest part...i don't want to be bitter, cynical or suspicious all the time. it is the antithesis of my very nature...until this. i'm thinking that eventually i need to take up an "anger hobby." i keep talking about it but not doing it. whereas yoga might help calm and diffuse the anger, i think i need to GET IT OUT somewhere. i might go take some kind of a$$-kicking class.
i hope i can get to a place soon where you are...certain and happy in your decisions, though still dealing with the fallout of all this.
finesse - i know what you mean. i think i'm there now, too. i'm just bored with the whole idea. some of the intensity is waning...my FWH isn't giving me specific new things to be upset about, so i just feel flat. i feel like i don't know what i want and right now i don't care about preserving a specific future or life. for me, i guess because i more or less made the decision to leave, now my "flatness" is weakening my resolve. it's like the fighting part of me is dying, succombing to the pressure of what i think i "should do" for my child, etc....like i could resign myself to the idea of settling, flatly, for what i already have.
i'm sure it will change for us at some point. this flatness seems to stretch out in front of me for as far as i can see, but like any other part of the future i think i can see, i'm sure it's an illusion.
i'm sooooo bored with this whole nightmare, with the obsessiveness of it all, the dreams, the pills, the scattered-brain.
hugs to you all.
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
I am 1 yr out and as you can see from my profile, still have some drama, OW living 2 houses down.
I still have the emotional pendullum swings at times. This week, OW's older kids are doing football M,T and Thurs and OW asked FWH to have OC from 6-8 so OC is not in heat all evening. Then OW took OC with her and BIL, then called about 7:30 and asked if FWH would please come get OC, as it is too hot
. It's like no shit sherlock! You couldn't have asked at 6!? FWH of course went and I wasn't really angry at him, but angry about my planned evening changing. I was going to do some housework, get a start on tomorrow etc. but instead we had OC.
To me, the hardest thing to let go of is perfectionism, my dreams of a perfect family, last year's dream of our own baby (maybe in future, but not holding my breath), of FWH making more money (hello child support) the whole package. I try not to be resentful, I try to just be happy with what I have, a wonderful DD, a partner who packed my lunch this morning so I didn't have to do it myself. Some days it is easier than others, I still have doubts sometimes. I have learned that I am stronger and if another A happens, I am okay on my own. I also know this about myself, I hate change. I am a perfectionist. I have trouble letting go and I react from all of that. I try to be aware of that, to think before I speak and react. Still working on that I also know I love my H, I am committed to this M, and that OC is H's responsibility, and I have to detach from that situation at times, and that's okay! I hope that you all take care of you and there is no right or wrong answer, no matter what anyone else says. No one truly understands except people who are in this situation.
He has hinted a couple times that he sees a future for us. I purpose change the subject because it is not something I want to talk about because he will convince me to leave that option open. And I don't want to. I know I shouldn't even be talking to him at all...
He did send me an email recently (that I didn't respond to) about how he was sorry and that I have to understand that the OC is a priority for him and he doesn't want to hurt me but he need to do whatever is best for the baby.
The baby is due in about 6 week or so and I think one of two things is going to happen.
1) He's going to fall absolutely in love with his child and really will do whatever it takes to make sure she has the best life. He has said on multiple occassions that his family doesn't do broken homes. (However, they are dysfunctional in a lot of other ways, IMO.) Which means he will maybe ask OW to marry him so that his child has an intact family. I think if this happens, I really will need to go NC with him immediately in order to protect my own sanity.
2) The baby comes and he realizes it is a lot harder than it looks to raise a child and he and OW will get on each others nerves because I don't think either one of them has a lot of patience and he will come crawling back wanting to R...
I am really not looking forward to either outcome.
I don't really want to be with him, but I don't want her to be with him either. If he wants to go out and find someone brand new to have a life with...fine. I just don't want him to end up with the person that tore us apart.
I am triggering majorly because I have to go to a baby shower on Saturday for a co-worker. But it is someone I am fairly close to, so I don't think I can not go.. Ugh.
I feel your pain about the baby shower, my friend was due at almost the same time as OW, and I had her shower to go to.
I know how you feel about not wanting him with her, what was an initial reaction I had when he wanted to R- well, if it doesn't work out, at least I "stole" him from her (I had kicked him out, and they were living together). Stupid, I know, but oh well.
i did want to come here and say that i pulled the trigger on a place today. i'll be moving in november/december. after the initial grief of the reality of it all, i'm excited to have told the lady "i'll take it." at least there is some security/stability in my future.
it's sounds crazy, but i love you guys...or at least the support we give each other here and what we know of each other. i hope we are all "surviving" it right now. either well or badly, but surviving.
hugs to everyone
That's awesome!! By the way...I love you all too!! I wouldn't be where I am without you guys!
I still don't know what I'm doing...I'll explain later.
Hope you all okay...thinking of you.
To everyone else, just big hugs, this is such a trying thing to go through every day :(
we are still doing okay, still just waiting for the OC to arrive so we can get the paternity test done. We had a long talk last night because even though we are moving forward and working on our marriage, I still have bad days here and there where I just want to run from the situation (way more good days than bad days now, thank goodness) and he still thinks he's pretty much my worthless H.
I had a birthday in the last week and he treated me so nicely! He took me out for dinner and movie and ice cream afterward and gave me a bunch of money to buy myself something since he wasn't sure what to get me. I said, "you are so good to me" and he didn't say anything at that moment. Later he said that he doesn't feel like he is good to me.
We go back and forth on this. I have pointed out that he has done a lot of work on himself and shown me that his actions are good and that he is working on our marriage since the second D day so I do mean it when I say things like that to him. I don't feel like i should say, "you were a rat bastard in the past but you are good to me now" I just want to keep moving forward.
We agreed that having the impending OC hanging over our heads is kinda holding both of us back but we are still trying to move forward anyway.
Has anyone else felt like that?
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
So I had to talk WxBF down the other day. I know it shouldn't be my problem anymore, but early in our relationship he did go through a period of time where he was very depressed, so I knew he might not just be using it as a ploy to get my attention...or maybe he was, who knows.
But he was going on and on about how he was such a loser, how he and the world would be better off dead, he hates his life, he wishes he never met OW, that he can't handle it, etc.
And there I am...telling him everything is going to be OK, and that he will be a great dad, and that things will get better, and he's not a loser, etc.
I truthfully feel like I have gotten over the desire to R because I now accept the fact that things will NEVER be the same again. Whether he wants to be in this child's life or is willing to walk away completely, doesn't change the fact that the child exists and that means we can never go back. Ever. And that's what I want...to go back to how things were a few year ago. I believe that some people can R and have things be better after the A. But whether it's better or not doesn't mean it's not different. You can never forget something that caused such deep and agonizing pain.
I do still care about him a lot, but I also feel really sorry for him. I think he might be coming out of the fog...and not liking what he sees and feels.
Too little, too late, though. The baby is scheduled to be here in just about 6 weeks. I am taking the week off from work just incase I have a meltdown, but I honestly don't feel like I will at this point. I've been working really hard at doing things for myself - getting back in shape, doing things I enjoy doing, etc... I still have my moments, but I honestly feel like I am going to be okay and that I will make it...
D-day#3 antiversary of A#3 is next week.
OW has been in contact multiple times this week over OC.
We've had OC for 5 nights, as we got her for DS14's b-day night (it's in the custody agreement) and also OW didn't want to go to OC's open house and refused to pick her up afterwards at park next to school, so we had her an extra night.
OC begged OW to play basketball again. I think I may die this season. Cannot take seeing OW so much for such an extended period of time. OC promises to put forth an effort. At first, fWH told OC he could not go to games this year, too much running (spread across 3 separate counties - some games over 45 min drive to get to games). Then fWH broke down and said he'd go to some games & OW said I could get OC ready and bring her to park b4 games. How nice....games are sometimes @8AM, which means I have to get OC up about 2-3 hours early for those 45-min drive games. But, as a compromise, I suggested her playing for Upward sports team at local in-town churches from Jan-March 2011 instead. Yay for me. OW said it was up to OC. OC refused @first, but then said "I just want to play." Now, there'll only be 8 practices, 8 games, and maybe a tournament (not sure). All the games are on Saturday & all are at one of two in-town churches. This is much better than >20 games, 2 practices per week, and week-long tournament and games from Oct-March every Saturday & some Fridays with one or more games each time. Plus, I'm not sure, but I think there may be not $3/adult entry fee into the gyms & all the gas cost. I still dread it, but there's a no-cussing & no unsportsmanlike cheering allowed at the church games. Hope I don't have to sit near OW though. Maybe her bad-language/bad-behavior relatives won't show.
Wish me luck for next week's antiversary. It's 2 years. If fWH is still involved w/OW, he's awfully affectionate & loving to me.....which I hope means he's completely over OW finally and the NC (mostly) is helping to break those emotional ties that kept them yo-yoing back to each other in times of woe.
As always, thanks for listening.
It's been a little quiet here lately and I think of you all often. I hope that everyone is doing okay. Please check in when you have the time.
We were having some very frank discussions while waiting for Dr. appt yesterday and even in vehicle afterwards. He finally asked about depression & such (birds & bees too). I told him that I was very depressed for a long time and had to go to IC for help and later be put on ADs. He asked why? And I told him that I never expected for his daddy to have a child w/someone else. He said "were you married to daddy when OW had OC?" I told him that we have been married almost 17 years now (together almost 21 years) and we were married long before DS14 was born and also while he & OC were born and never separated or divorced. He said "I always thought OC came before you and Daddy got married." He then asked "what happened?" I just kinda said things weren't going right in our marriage and some things happened that shouldn't have. I told him that both Daddy and I have done things that hurt each other and when OW had OC, that I was very upset for a long time and that I cried a lot and was very depressed about it. I think he understood. I don't know whether I should tell fWH or not. OC has not questioned about this stuff yet, unless she asked OW or something (of course her side of everything would be "your daddy's marriage was ending and we loved each other and wanted to have you"). I knew once the puberty thing & sex ed. discussions came up, there would be questions about OC's conception. It was just a matter of time.
We have OC again. School couldn't reach SAHM OW, so fWH had to get up & dress to pick OC up. fWH had some new med changes yesterday and has been feeling very poorly since & hot flashes, so he was still in-bed when school called. OW finally called about 45 min after the school had called fWH and said she was in-town and if fWH was getting OC and if she needed, would we take OC to Dr. How nice...OC gets $800/month, yet OW expects us to pay the copays & deductibles. I already added her to my insurance since fWH is supposed to cover her....she wants to keep all of OC's $$$, yet not pay for OC's expenses out of it. I am tempted to go ahead & take her to Dr, but get them to change the financially-responsible party to being OW (instead of fWH) and tell them OW should be billed for the copays. We are supposed to pay copays whoever takes her & split any deductible/overages....but that's never happened before. I never saw OW offering to pay 1/2 of OC's ER visit $200 copay years ago even though we barely had any $$$ sometimes due to fWH's disability.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 10:29 AM, September 9th (Thursday)]