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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC Support Thread (BS Only)-New Thread
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, August 6th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh want2bok. ((((((want2bok)))))) wow. speechless.

you will heal from this too...i'm so glad you have support. take care of yourself, do what you need to grieve. you seem as though you are managing so far. it must be so hard.

you are in my thoughts.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, August 6th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((want2bok)), I am so sorry for yourr loss. I will be thinking of you. Hugs


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, August 6th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((want)))

I am sorry...I also lost a child. Actually, I lost our baby just after I found out about the pending oc last November. It isn't fair that not only do we have to deal with the A and oc, but to loose your own is just utterly devastating. I am so sorry...

BMC...I'm so sorry. I hope the two of you find a way.

All of you are in my thoughts.

It seems in my case the OW is getting crazier and crazier. WH seems to be handling it okay. Tells me when OW calls, saves the emails, etc. Ugh...some days I just don't know if I can do this. I wish OW would just disappear.

Best to all....


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, August 8th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm sorry finesse - that's just what i'm afraid of with OW and she's proving my fears right.

so...i went after the TT this morning. i had no idea that i was going to do it. i went into way more detail than i would have expected from me. over all, knowing is better than not knowing...kind of...so far...though it all still sucks. now i get to work on my chemical balance again all day. just took one of my trusty "mellowmints" from doc. i'm not really "thinking" freaked out, or feeling it consciously, but my body chemicals, startle response, nausea, are all present. it's still not as bad as i thought it would be hearing details. i didn't feel nauseous while i was listening, but i do now. yuck.

so i need to stop thinking about them so i can try to recover this day. i'm hoping i won't have to pick at the scab too much now for a while. i hope more than anything that learning all this stuff helps...or at least doesn't throw me off for days or weeks like all the other big "truths." sigh.

hugs to everyone.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, August 8th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just driving by to offer hugs to those that are going through a rough spot..

I, honestly, have not even been thinking about my OC situation. It has been completed overshadowed by the revelation that I have two half-siblings. (BTW, they are NOT OCs... they were from a relationship my mother had when she was very very young.)

I am looking at this as a positive... I have not yet told my mom that I know, as this has apparently been a family secret for 40+ years and I think I need to approach it with a certain sensitivity. But I have always disliked being an only child for certain reasons. But now I have a brother! And a sister! And nieces and nephews!


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2069 | Registered: Feb 2010
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, August 9th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want2,

I am so sorry for your loss. I just don't think I could bear the loss of a child. And, all the while going through A & OC issues. I would think the stress of everything was a factor in the loss.

Whalers,
I have some family from my deadbeat father's side out there. I don't know if they'll ever claim me, but I always wondered if the half-brother I grew up with is my only sibling, or if there are more out there. He had 3 other siblings from his dad's previous M and then found out that he had a brother from a relationship shortly before he met my mom. It was so odd, but he & his half-brother were probably in kindergarten together. Life sometimes throws you a curveball & maybe this is something good.

Okay, OW is starting some bull again. OC brought her new clothes as school started today. I was looking in her bags of clothes/supplies and there was a bottle of Febreeze in it. Apparently, OW told OC that she needs to spray her backpack daily b4 dropoff because our house smells like cats and she doesn't want OC's backpack to smell like last year. Well, if OC would quit putting her backpack in the floor and letting the cats sleep on it, it wouldn't smell...she has 3 hooks in her bedroom "cat-free zone" but refuses to put it up when she gets home.

Then, I casually asked OC if she's taking lunch or eating in lunchroom this year, since her sister is also @school now. She said she didn't know what she'd be eating. That OW told her they had no $$$ and she could only pay for gas for the car. This really made both fWH and I angry. OW is now in charge of OC's $$$ from fWH's SS-disability for dependant children. She should've bought food for her in Aug and school supplies/new clothes, but now she's telling OC she doesn't have any $$$ to get her school lunches???? Thank GOD OC gets paid on Wednesday. But, how do you let OC run out of $$$ for food??? OW insisted on having her own vehicle (new 4-door Ford Focus) instead of sharing the paid-off car they bought with cash after their other two were repossessed. And, she blows $$$ on manicures and other stuff. But, she cannot figure out how to keep any $$$ for OC's food. AND, OC was at auntie's one day/night and spent another day with them all at granny's (then we got OC on Thurs). When is OW spending time w/OC now? In a few months, fWH is going to call social security and ask if OW has had to give an account of OC's $$$ spending yet, since OC doesn't seem to have any $$$ left over for food and such and OW bought a lot of new furniture and made home improvements (to a less than 10-year old home) out of OC's $$$ from what we can tell. We have to keep receipts for the kids' $$$ that SS gives us monthly through fWH's disability benefits. fWH doesn't pay CS, as when it was recalculated, OW had higher earning potential before she became SAHM and she owed fWH $$$ basically. I don't know how it'd be now, if she really filed disability on herself or not. It just makes us mad that OW is telling OC again that she has no $$$, when we know she gets $800 monthly for OC. Can't she figure out how to manage OC's $$$, or is it all spent on her vehicle payment/insurance, new furniture, and wasting enormous amounts on clothes monthly for OC (and getting her nails done)? Ugh! I hope SS busts her for misuse of OC's funds and makes her pay some back and asks fWH or a neutral party to manage OC's $$$ now. I think a neutral party managing it would be perfect. At least we'd know OC had lunch $$$ and her needs were met.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 7:53 AM, August 9th (Monday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, August 9th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW's facebook status makes me think she's hinting at continued fairytale that she'll end up w/fWH in the end:

live life for the moment because everything works out in the end...if its not worked out now, then its not the end!

Her biggest accomplishement in life is "being called MOM." Oh please! You are delusional, if you think what you are is a MOM. Even though you are SAHM, you ship the kids off every chance you get and let your 9-yr-old daughter cook for the 4-yr-old, 'cause you are such a good "MOM."

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 8:17 AM, August 9th (Monday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, August 9th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all of the thoughts! It has been a month today so today has been tough so far. We do have a wonderful support system between our parents, family,and friends. I went to visit her grave Friday and noticed someone had put a solar light out there. I have asked everyone that I think might visit her, but I still haven't figured out who put it there. I just thought it was very sweet, and I'd like to thank them.

We really haven't had much OW/OC stress in the past 6+ months so I really don't think it has anything to do with it. We know it wasn't chromosomal at this point, and my doctor has planned to have some tests run on me to see if we can figure it out. She was measuring small since my first sono at 16 weeks and the placenta was very small at delivery so he has some things he would like to check out when I go back in a couple of weeks.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, August 9th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((want)))


Hope all is better with yoi guys than with me...too upset to type....


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, August 10th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((finesse)) hope you are better. i wonder why yesterday was so hard for so many. i'm here if you want to pm me or anything.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, August 10th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW called house 2 times last night. She needed help filling out registration info for OC. She didn't know my work #, she didn't know OC's pediatrician's name or #, and she didn't know OC's dentist's #. As you can see, if anyone takes her to Dr or dentist, it certainly hasn't been OW. I was polite & she apologized for the second call, as she needed our e-mail addy to put into the school's Skyward system. It's probably a mistake, but I gave her mine instead of fWH's....I should've given her DS13's e-mail addy instead. If I get a bunch of hate-mail soon, then it's either from her or someone in her family. It'll be easier for her to look me up on Facebook now though, as I doubt she could spell my name right to search there.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 10th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope you guys are doing better today.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, August 11th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW blocked her Facebook wall. Guess I cannot keep tabs on her anymore...probably best, as I was fretting over her complete dedication to being a MOM. Guess her sister told her to fix the security on it. I knew her photos were already private, but I could browse through them when she uploaded (of course the same photo she sent fWH in 2008 and he had as his cell background of OW&OC was one of them). What married man puts OW's photo as his cell background (well, actually the outside screen's photo), unless he thinks BW isn't snooping his phone anymore or he's wanting to get busted?


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, August 11th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW broke NC. She "accidentally" called fWH's cell after she "addidentally" called her sister's number too. I don't believe it for 1 minute. I think she hoped to speak w/him the other day when she called the house twice. If she was just hitting "talk" on the history calls, it'd been our house #. She would've had to either dial him directly or browse through address book. It's 2 years ago that they were hot & heavy at the motel rooms for a few months then sexting & nude pic sending, maybe she's missing him. I told him I didn't like it.

Then he was being a butthead and called me back saying since I have Facebook and comment on old classmate's walls, then he's going to get FB (which my account has both our names on it) and start commenting on old girlfriend's walls. He used to chat on adult websites with pay-per-private videochat ladies (on the preview - not pay part). He'd better not start something. I'd rather lose track of all my classmates than him chatting-up old women he'd bedded.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, August 12th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I'm just at a little over 6 months out since D-Day... and looking back, WxBF has said a lot of the right things (at times...not even that was consistent), but his actions have not backed them up. At all.

And it just makes me so, so sad. I never really knew him at all, I guess. He has become such a stranger to me and I don't even like him that much anymore. My heart hurts. I can't believe I was so blind to who this man really was.

I think in the long run, I will be better off... he drained me... financially, emotionally, physically... I just wanted so bad to believe he was "the one".

I respect those of you who have made the OC situation work for you, but I have realized that this is something I will never get over. I will never be okay with it. I can't live with the OW/OC drama as a constant reminder of how little he respected me. Of how selfish he was. Of how stupid he was.

I don't wish him well. I hope he has an awful and miserable life and realizes some day how badly he screwed up. I want him to come crawling back, remorseful and begging someday, just so I can slam the door in his face.

I hate the way I feel.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2069 | Registered: Feb 2010
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, August 12th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh whalers. ((whalers)). i hate those most painful days. you are healing though, i can see it, or "hear" it in your words. your mind is working hard to convince you of the truth - that you weren't as happy as you could be, nor in a relationship as rewarding and enduring as what you deserve and want. i've so appreciated your presence here, though i'm so sorry for the pain that brings you. i look forward to hearing from you, and every little bit of progress you make inspires me. you've already moved on to the vengeful, "grovel so i can reject you!!!" - instead of your own groveling, "grovel and i'll believe you this time."

i'm in mourning too. some part of me still hopes, but most of me just feels it's a matter of time while i finish detaching. i suspect that there's only still hope because OW/OC aren't yet "in the picture" all that much, but even his limited contact with her makes me ill. he told me he responded to her awful email from last week and, for once, i don't care to read it, at least not to "monitor" his actions. if i'm not taking him back, what f-in difference does it make anyway? his necessary communications with her are exactly what i want distance from. i think it's time to create more of that distance. i think i just don't want to handle an OW/OC situation, whether i can or not.

repeat - WTF??? red flags a-flyin'??? his "buttheaded-ness" is timely. where does he get off even making a COMMENT about talking to old girlfriends? he lost that "privilege" when he lied, cheated, repeated and impregnated....intentionally!!! and to say that right as you are concerned about fishing, 3X OW/babymomma?(((repeat))) take care of yourself and keep your wits about you, you don't need to be hurt again.

[This message edited by stretch13 at 10:30 AM, August 12th (Thursday)]


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, August 12th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Stretch. Maybe I was too nice to OW when she called for info about OC's registration forms. Maybe she though she could go a-fishin' since they had been per him "best friends."

My stomach was quivering all afternoon until I got home. Figured he'd bring the FB drama back up again. Honestly, even any guy I was remotely interested in I have rejected FB friend requests...only my NERDS are FB friends, or someone from our old church & band.

But, what scares me the most is that he didn't bring it back up again (he'd been steaming when he dropped the COM at my office...bringing up old issues we had from 10+ years ago). He was saying I love you & everything when I got home. I didn't even check FB at all in the afternoon or while I was at the boys' tutoring. Now, it worries me he's hiding something or going to spring something on me. OW is now home alone all day, since OC & sis are at school until 3:05PM. Just the radar starts working overdrive whenever OW seems to be trying to friendly-up or fish. I don't wanna have to start snooping & such again....I just refuse to do it. Things had been going so much better lately....I'm so scared. I don't want him to make me file for D (as NC was one of my conditions for staying after D-day#3), but I won't live in a box with no friends to keep peace either. I used to could trust him to have female friends @work, but he forgets that I was tolerant of him platonically socializing because I trusted him.

Ugh! I just hope he drops the whole facebook issue and never brings it up again. It's 'our' account and he has always been able to login if he wanted. But, I certainly don't want him befriending anyone through our account who he had intimate relations with either. I rave about how good on FB that fWH is to me.....if he'd just read it, he'd see that.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, August 12th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((stretch))

Thanks. I think my head and my heart are slowly getting closer to being on the same page.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2069 | Registered: Feb 2010
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, August 12th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

repeat - i was hoping someone else would jump in so i wouldn't be the only (limited) perspective you would get here.

i don't like it. maybe he forgot all about it, he's a man. maybe he dropped it because he was just being a brat. but if he was being extra nice, after being a defensive snap-case, after fishing from OW? is this normal behavior from him? are you particularly sensitive right now?

i'm seeing all of this through your words, so if there's less smoke here than it looks to me, i don't want to stir your nerves. only you are close enough to feel or see if there's fire in there some where.

good luck, lady.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, August 12th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

repeat - I agree with stretch. To me, FWH's behavior would raise some red flags.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2069 | Registered: Feb 2010
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