Raindrops sorry you had to end up here but welcome.
NOt good news 99.9% positive for my H
I have been in tears off and on since we found out.
Now we ave to pay $300 a month CS. My H works part time and I do not have a great job so this is going to really hurt us. At least they did not ask for back CS and medical expenses which OW wanted.
He has supervised visits for a while so the OC can get to know him and form a relationship and then unsupervised iF she decides to follow the order. The court said they do not enforce it.
She tried to get me banned from being around the baby because she thinks I am unfit. The basis of this accusation is that 1 time when my son was 2 he reached up on the table and accidently grabbed a bowl of hot soup and got a burn on his arm. So she said that I am not capeable of being around the OC because he got hurt in my care. WTF accidents happen and it was a minor burn.
Anyway people in glass houses should not throw stones. What kind of "fit" mother sleeps with a married man and has his child out of wedlock. (she has a 12 year old daughter) and she knows exactly what is going on. But I am the one being questioned.
Anyway, that is where we are and I am still reeling.
Repeatbs, I wish you did not have deal with this OW, that seems to be a full time job in itself. It makes my blood pressure go up and I am not even the one having to deal with her. As always sending good thoughts your way.
Raindrops, welcome, if you both are comfortable with not rocking the boat, and that works for you fine, just remember that she can come and ask for CS anytime up until the OC turns 18. You must have a plan on how to deal with that in case it happens. I talked about this in our old thread, but I have a friend who has a SO, he has a child from before. Teh mother got mad that he had a child with my friend and decided after 12 years of a written agreement with him that she now wanted CS. Not only did she get it, she got all 12 years back and they took both his tax refunds and tried to suspend his driver's license, he is a tow truck driver, would really have hurt them. This is a strong possiblity, so if you and your H don't want to deal with OW right now, please protect yourself and have a plan in case she decides she wants to rock the boat.
Thank you everyone for your good wishes. Labor is going slowly and I actually came to work, I told my son to call me when she gets farther along. Repeatbs, no my son is not married to her and she has been staying with us for the past 3 months as her mother kicked her out. She is 17. That is one of the reasons that I am making sure about the CS and DNA.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:10 AM, February 26th (Friday)]
I am so sorry this has turned out to be fWH's child. I am glad you are here for our support though, as I didn't have SI in 2001 & even the impending birth just about killed me (basketcase).
Just take this one day @ a time. Learning to care for OC & dealing w/OW aren't easy.
Why is CS so much, if he only works part-time? Here, they cannot take any of my income to pay CS. I know years ago though, my mom's deadbeat alcoholic husband wouldn't work and my mom had to pay his CS (as Mom would have to file taxes separately & as injured spouse so they wouldn't take her tax returns - w/less tax credit for M though).
I am glad did not keep you away from OC. Every kid gets burnt, cuts from falls, pump knots on head...stupid OW. How'd she even know about the soup burn anyway? fWH blabbing or something?
My situation will get better, now that BB season is almost over. I just ignore her @park during dropoffs & it is much better now that fWH isn't doing the exchanges. If I could just keep her from calling the house & be secure that fWH won't call her on-a-whim (or for what he think are legitimate OC reasons), then, I'd be set.
Just think, OC will be 18 in only 9 more years. We're half-way there. AND, once OC is 16, she will probably start driving & I won't do the exchanges :)
The bad thing is, I'm not sure fWH's health will last 9 more years. I worry that he won't be around to see the kids grow up.
One thing I need to mention to all of you, probably said it b4. My mom's 3rd husband passed away a few years ago. Because he did not have a will that said she got his share of the 2 houses (no will @all) & the deed on the homes/property did not say something called "survivorship" in the deed terms/language which meant she got his share of homes, all his kids are part owners of his share. My mom has her 1/2 share, plus the other 1/2 is divided equally between mom & his 2 sons. Each of them have 1/6 of ownership from deceased husband/father. I told fWH that we need to resolve something about the deeds for home & his parents are giving him the land we now live on. I don't care if DS13/DS10 are part owners of stuff, but OC being part owner of our mobile home & fWH's land is unacceptable. He can set aside something for inheritance for OC, if he wants instead. I know 100% for sure that OW would not sign a quit-claim on OC's share & it could be really bad, if I had to imagine trying to pay OW off, so I could be owner of our home we've lived in for 16 years!!! I would probably abandon the property & buy something w/life ins. payoff, before I'd give OW the satisfaction of hearing me grovel over a double-wide & 2.5-3 acres of land.
Is there any chance that the mother/parents of the minor might file statutory rape against DS, if he does DNA after birth of your grandchild? Kinda scary. Very sad, that she was kicked out pregnant. So, are you raising all your adult children, OC, & grandchild now? How much more stress can U get? Good thing though, 17-year-old might help some w/OC & the grandbaby would be good playmate for OC & vice-versa.
She knew about the burn because before I found out about the A she was my friend and when it happened I told her just in casual conversation as a friend.
I have thought about that and it is in the back of my mind. However if it came to that, I would hope the documentation that I have of his mental capacity would show that even though he is 20, he thinks like a 14-15 yr. old. And I would argue that you let said minor live in my home for at least 3 months, while you kicked her out of your home. That is why I am treading lightly.
I don't know if she is going back to her mother's after the baby or not. I am trying to have that conversation. She just called me and said that they will be giving her a c-section if she doesn't start having contractions in the next 3 hours. She has been helping with the OC even before she was seeing my son. And yes all of them are home with me and h. Good news is my older girls are very independant, and the twins are well adjusted, my H's son that is another story. And my son, I have to give it to him for stepping and up and being there.
Chandler that does seem a bit high for his income.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 3:36 PM, February 26th (Friday)]
All money is OURs too. We don't do the my-bill/your-bill thing....every expense is ours together.
I guess, some states get their $$$ whether it's through fWH's garnished check, or through a garnished joint IRS/state tax return...which means nobody gets return, until OW has had her cut. How many OW actually use ANY of the CS $$$ toward OC's care, I know OW's mother admitted that OW used CS to pay car & credit card payments (when OC was 1st born & they lived w/OW's mom/stepdad) and that OW's mother & stepdad were providing diapers/formula for OC. I think OC's SS $$ is paying for manicures, new floor, & new furniture right now :)
BMC - Congrats on the new grandbaby! So glad though that you are looking out for your son's best interest.
I'm new to SI and was just recentaly told about the OC thread....talk about feeling relived to have found a group of people who REALLY know what I'm going through! I wanted to see what you guys thought about this situation....
My d-day was Nov 2009 and we have been in R since, things our going good, even though I deff have my up and down days. The OC was born Feb 15, and because no DNA test has been done we are not 100% if WF is the dad or not. Last week he seemed a little upset and we finally talked last night and he told me he is upset that he does not know if the child is his, and if it is he has not seen it yet, and he can't stop feeling guilty about it. I asked why he doesn't see the child and he said because he knows it will hurt me for him to do that, and he doesn't want to do that to me.
What have your roles been in the situation with the OC? I personally know at this time in our R process, I don't think I could handle him going to the OW home, and yet I don't think the OW would be willing to drop the baby off, which would be hard for me, but it would be MUCH easier then him at her place. Has anyone been in this situation? What worked for you?
For us, OC was 6 wks old at DDay so H has seen her a few times, but we were in the process of a cross state move and he had begun his new job there just before she was born. While we weren't 100% sure about paternity, it took 3 months to convince him to do a paternity test before he committed to CS for the next 18 years his life. So, my first suggestion is to get a lawyer and get a DNA test done.
For the first month after D-day I insisted on NC with OC, but later decided that it wasn't my decision to make and I left it up to my H. During this time and for a couple of months after paternity was established, WE had a few visits with OC. We met OW in a neutral place and took OC for a couple hours at a time. It was very difficult for me, but each visit got easier. After a few months, my H decided that he couldn't do it anymore. OW was causing drama, drama, and more drama, and H just wanted her out of our lives as much as possible. He decided to focus on our M and our COM.
There are still times that I wonder if he maybe he made that choice because he knew it was difficult for me. But I have reminded him several times since that I will stick by him if he does choose to have C with OC. In fact, I have seen her and OW a couple of times since then without him.
I agree with you that at this point, I would not be okay with him going to OW house. He could always ask to see the OC. Once paternity is established as well as CS and custody/visitation, there isn't much she can do about it.
I personally am coming to terms that it is his child, I don't know if it is to protect myself from being hurt more once we get results or what, I just don't want to set myself up to be more disappointed then I already am with the situation.
At this stage is our R I feel comfortable saying he really doesn't like the OW, because she, like I have said before, went being someone in his "fantasy world" to becoming ANOTHER relationship, which was NOT what he was looking for, but I know he is not going to turn his back on the baby because he didn't have his dad, and he has told me that already. I guess I just need to know there are other women out there going through the same issues! Sometimes you can sure start to feel like you are going through everything alone!
I cannot come to terms with this. I do not want any contace with the OC for me or my son. We are moving out of state next year and I cannot justify forming relationships with OC temporarily. My H says its up to me. I cannot watch him bond with another child I just can't.
NikkiFlower welcome to our group. I agree that the 1st thing you should do is get a DNA test and go from there.
Everyone needs to make the decision about seeing OC or going NC completely for themselves. For us, I did not really want the added responsibility of OC every weekend, but I also did not want fWH sneaking off for 18 years to OW's home (or OW's mother's home) to see OC for a few hours each weekend. I have a half-brother who lived in-home w/me all my life & I didn't want my sons to not know their sister either. @first, before DNA came back, I refused to allow OC around 2DSs because I hoped it wasn't his child and did not want to subject my sons to bonding w/OC, if it may not be fWH's. (this was when I didn't know OC was planned, so I was in-the-dark & hoped OW was seeing other men besides fWH).
And, your fWH seeing OC is completely his choice. It is still very difficult for me to see fWH bonding w/OC. Hugging on her & when little him bottle-feeding her was hard for a long time. She looks much more like OW today than when born, so it's like seeing fWH hugging on OW almost sometimes.
So many strong emotions involved w/this....you're not wrong in any thing you feel about OC & OW. It is just the way you feel.
Welcome. There are others of us here that have COM & OC who are close in ages. Really sucks, but nothing you can do about it. Good for him, seeking DNA & going through system. Whether he wants NC or not, verifying paternity now will make it easier on establishing CS. It would really be horrible, if OW @some future date sought public assistance & then the state found wF & made him pay back CS. It is the responsible thing to do. I was fatherless myself, as a nonmarried man who my mom was with did not want the responsibility. Just knowing that someone steps up & tries to do the right thing by OC, should make you have a little respect for him (even though R is more difficult w/OC involved).
We are here for you.
OW didn't show for game & neither did any of OC's other family. OW sprained her ankle again (just like last tournament time). OW told OC that "since I am on crutches, I cannot come to your game Friday." Last year when OW was trying to prove to fWH that she was a "good Mommy," she showed up on crutches & had gotten her mother to drive her. I guess, it wasn't worth the effort @all this year. She hasn't come to even 1/2 of OC's games & sometimes, even her sister (OC's auntie) was there for OC's cousin's game either prior to or after our game & stuck around to see OC play. Oh well...I didn't expect the "good mommy" routine to even last a year, and it didn't. OC still isn't bathing daily @OW's home & I half expect her to come in dirty clothes soon.
BUT, will not have to see OW up-close until they have some school function. fWH told OC she couldn't play basketball next year, because she wasn't trying this year & let the team down (this is absolutely true). She did play well on Friday night...another player on opposing team was pushing/shoving to block her & OC was getting angry and doing the same thing back. OC (who's only 9) said "I was about to punch her in-the-face, if she didn't quit pushing on me." We laughed our butts off, at 9 & 10-year-old girls pushing & shoving, getting all red-faced and angry @other players. We lost game, but it was 10-24, so not a complete loss like many other games. Fortunately, that loss put us out of tournament & NO MORE GAMES!!!!
Now, maybe I can get some peace & we can focus on our home, health, M, & COM/OC.
fWH has been really excellent toward me lately. He's bedridden again, but still doing wonderful things like vacuuming bathroom of cat litter, when he got up to bathe last night. And, my back wasn't covered last night & I was too tired to do it....he rolled over (which is a feat w/swollen leg & locked joint) and covered me up, I was pretending to be asleep. He even loaded some laundry when he was up for a little while Saturday (hurting really badly though). I hope, this is a sign that he cherishes our M.
NOTE: after fWH had talk w/OW last & told her that BH#2, OW, & fWH aren't friends, we've not heard a peep by-phone from OW. She didn't even call Saturday to ask about the late Friday game. OC didn't even ask to call OW either to tell her about game.
Thanks you guys, for supporting me through the very difficult basketball season. This year, was much easier since OW wasn't around as-much & they weren't harassing me like last ball season (plus it wasn't right after D-day#3 anymore).
Keep praying for our M & family, that OW will butt OUT and let our M prosper.
Nikki, I answered your post in Recon. I am thinking about you as well.
Repeat, you know you have my support as always.
I want to thank everyone for there well wishes concerning my granddaughter. She was born on Saturday morning. If you get a chance check over in Off Topic, I have a picture.
Hugs to everyone.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:36 AM, March 1st (Monday)]
I posted here a while back, but been mostly in Just Found Out. I check in on you all a lot, I find it really helpful to hear what you are all dealing with, just to know others are feeling similar things or experiencing the same is a huge comfort - you all seem so strong and in control - I dont know how you all do it - you are all amazing!
OW had 12 week scan last monday - still getting my head around the fact there is actually a baby and trying not to pin too many hopes on DNA test going my way (WBF pretty sure its his).
I am struggling to get my head around what this means for my life - I look at all the things you amazing people go through and doubt i have the strength or energy to do half of what you do. But it is my reality.
WBF is devastated at OW pregnancy. He is NC at moment, has spoke to solicitor, and will do DNA as soon as OC born in August. I feel like I am in limbo till then. I am terrified I'm going to get swept up in his remorse and steps to make things right and get caught up in how much I love him, only to be hit with this again as if new, if DNA proves OC is WBF's.
I didnt want to start R until OC born, but we seem to be moving closer to R every day. WBF is hugely remorseful, doing and saying all the right things. but I dont think he gets that it cant be fixed this easily. Its so hard expressing how I feel when he is trying so hard to win me back.
And even if i can get passed the betrayal - dealing with impending OC is sometimes too big to grasp.
I dont know what is worse - WBF wanting to see OC and having to incorporate it into my life and all that entails, or WBF not wanting to see child and knowing it is out there somewhere and he didnt want to know, and spending the rest of our lives waiting for a knock at the door.
ARGH...... who has the crystal ball?!?!?!?!?!?!?
This is not how its suppossed to be.
Every so often, of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale - he was my fairytale.
It is over whether or not OW pays for childcare (which doubles his CS amount).
Both H and OW got letters in the mail saying if they have any evidence to support their case, to submit it to CS and the "other party" to the case BEFORE the hearing. OW has submitted NOTHING to our knowledge.
Please pray, everyone. My H does not want to end up paying her 19 year old boyfriend (who watches OC) every month.