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User Topic: OC Support Thread (BS Only)-New Thread
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finesse, I know totally how you feel. I also feel like my future was stolen from me. WxBF didn't even give us a chance at true R.

I'm going to be 30 next year - I only have so many child bearing years left. I am constantly worried I will never meet anyone else. :(


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm going to be 30 next year - I only have so many child bearing years left. I am constantly worried I will never meet anyone else. :(

Yep. I'm 31 and had a miscarriage last November. I am scared and sad and devastated. There was someone else who had kids later, I had just always thought I'd already have one. I guess I need to let that go along with the thought of a faithful H. It pains me so much because we were trying months before his EA started. We were still trying when it became a PA.

I'm so sad.....today has not gone well either.


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, June 30th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having children later in life.

I have two stories for you, that I hope give you some encouragement and peace if you choose to R and try for having COM or if you S & D, then wait for Mr. Right to show up on your doorstep.

An old classmate, who is 38 now, had a failed M with an abusive xH. After recovering from the D and going basically underground for a while (or at least moving far away from xH), she met a younger man who'd never been married and wanted a family like she did. I am happy to report, that she has been blessed with two healthy children. She has a DD2 and newborn DS.

Story#2: after having numerous medical issues and drug abuse and physical abuse, an old schoolmate (who had 2 children from 2 failed M), just gave birth to a health DD. Her other children are around 16 and 14. She is 40, pushing 41. She and her xH#2 both found Christ somewhere along the way and remarried then added to the family.

But, if you find it becomes too late for biological children, I have a coworker and old classmate who adopted foster children. Both feel like they have been truly blessed (one adopted 2 from same mother/different fathers AND the other adopted 5 children total from 2 different families).

I guess, my greatest fear after EA/PA#1, was that I would not find someone to have more children with, so as part of the "false" R#1, we conceived DS10. I do not regret this, but yet I wish fWH had not chosen to go outside our M again during EA/PA#2 and give OW OC9. My pregnancy and first years with DS10 would have been so much happier, if OW had been completely out of the picture for good.

Don't choose to stay w/someone you don't want to R with, out of fear of losing your only chance at children. If OC issues are too great to overcome in your relationship, do what is best for you and your wellbeing (and any COM involved). I have sometimes made choices that I have later kicked myself for and allowed boundaries to be crossed that I was too afraid to make demands about. I honestly regret not making fWH go through courts about OC (instead of verbal agreements for so long) and regret not making fWH go NC w/OW. Our family has suffered due to these wishy-washy agreements w/OW, when it shouldn't have been so.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
SurvivingInCA
♀ Member
Member # 23898
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, June 30th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd also like to add that having just been through IVF there are AMAZING things happening with science today.

Before IVF I was so discouraged (not just about A but also infertility issues) as soon as I began working with my reproductive endocronologist I realized that there was hope, LOADS of HOPE for people struggling with infertility and/or trying to conceive later in life.

Society loves to impose biological clocks on us - but they are not always showing the correct time. Being in your early 30s it may not seem like you have a lot of time (I know how it feels, I was on the verge of 35 and had struggled through 1.5 years of infertility when I found out about OC and A) but you DO have time and there ARE options for the future.

Hang in there!


BW me/36, WH him/35
Married 4, together 7
Dday 4/10/09
PA 1/1/08 to 5/1/08 (5 rendezvous)
No Kids - had been trying 1/1/08 - 4/9/09
OC 01/09/DNA despite H's male factor infertility (guess she got the one miracle sperm)
R'ing

Posts: 136 | Registered: May 2009
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, July 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

one of my best friends - IVF at 37, perfect DD :)

my mom had me at 38 (#7!), my sister had a healthy baby at 41.

another friend just had her first at 35, just got married 3 years ago, met her H a year before that.

me, i met my WH after getting out of a 4-year, verbally abusive relationship. i was 31 when we met, 36 when i got pregnant and birthed DD1. i'm bummed about her likely being an only child if I D, because i'm 38 now (as of this tuesday :) - well, "only child" except for OC. grrrrrrr.

i never imagined only having one. i've thought about "taking" another one from WH before i dump him, lol. but...he's all kinds of ADHD, maybe bipolar, so i'm afraid of the genetics, especially if we had a boy. so she may be my only. that makes me and WH both sad. but the gratitude i feel for having her before i found out about this is ENDLESS.it burns my heart sometimes, like someone was looking out for me and my dreams.

and i think someone is probably looking out for yours too! God, if that comforts you...a higher power...whatever works for you...someone out there is caring for us BS's and our babies, born and dreamed.

try to just surrender that fear some, realize you can't really control how this plays out. you can't know right now if the next 10 years of your life might hold romance and babies. that's a lot of time.

i'm so sorry about where you are. i completely understand. i hope we are encouraging you. i'd hate to think how i'd feel... "sure, easy for you guys, you have kids already..." but it wasn't very long ago that i thought i might never have the chance either. i wasn't sure i was able to get pregnant at all. i did not have a relationship that seemed it could lead to any kind of family i wanted. i hadn't even really come close when i met WH. it just happened. so beautifully too, i thought.

maybe with the 10-12 good years left, it's time to cut your losses while you still have a chance at finding a mate that can create with you the family you want. there is definitely enough time right now...more than if you spend two-five years trying to R and fail. i don't want to sound negative, and only you guys know what's in your hearts, but that's definitely one way to look at things.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, July 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WxBF called and asked if he could come by and get some stuff tomorrow.

I haven't seen him since February and as much as I want him to get his stuff out of here, the thought of seeing him is very anxiety-inducing.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, July 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

any way you can "not be there" whalers? can you trust him to get his stuff and go? it might best for you not to see him right now. you've been so great w/NC.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, July 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or set his things outside the door?


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, July 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I could arrange to not be here when he comes... I don't think he would take anything he wasn't entitled to.

But the truth is I think I need closure... the last time I saw him was after I found out he was having an A and but before I found out OC. I didn't really say goodbye because I was only expecting our separation to be temporary. So I don't think I can avoid him forever, or else I may never move on...


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, July 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whalers...

Do what you feel you need to do. I would have a game plan though...just in case. It's hard when they come back.

After dday 2 I was leaving on a trip...THAT DAY H came to the house pleading...even wanting to go with me on the trip....just be careful. I am not sure what you want....but remember what everyone says...ACTIONS...not words...


Will be thinking about you.


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, July 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I don't think it's an issue anymore. I told him if he wanted to come tomorrow, he would have to let me know tonight exactly what time he was planning on coming. And I haven't heard from him.

I hope he doesn't think he can call me in the morning and make plans last minute... I'm not going to allow him to do that. I told him I have plans tomorrow so I needed to know ahead of time what he was going to do.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, July 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think stopping by unannounced is EXACTLY what he intends to do. I hope he doesn't have a key and I hope you're not there when he comes by. If you are...I wouldn't answer.

Thinking of you.


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Finesse.

The locks were changed when it was apparent that he was not going NC, so he will not be able to get in unless I let him. And I won't let him.

Part of me is a little sad because this never used to be normal behavior for him. He was always courteous and respectful. Then he met that whore.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Part of me is a little sad because this never used to be normal behavior for him. He was always courteous and respectful. Then he met that whore.

Yep. I know that one well. TOO WELL.

In fact, my H still isn't himself. Gee thanks bitchwhore. It breaks my heart, but he has to deal with that himself.

I just wanted you to know, Whalers, that I am thinking of you today. Wishing you the best. I am here for you.

(((Whalers)))


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Finesse. He called me at work today - thanks to caller ID, I didn't have to answer. He didn't leave a message. It felt good to ignore it and go on with my day and not let him ruin it.

I have been thinking about you, as well, Finesse. How have you been holding up??


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me?!

lol

I wish I could tell you. I don't know how I am doing. I wish I knew how H and I were doing. I wish I felt like I KNEW up from down, right from left, truth from lies. I feel like my gut doesn't work at all! Ugh. Oh well...

H and I have good days and bad days. I just wish we would have good days at the same time. He still (as far as I know) hasn't seen oc or heard from OW (not sure I completely buy that one). But the longer the better....I think. Maybe that is selfish on my part, but I don't think we, as a couple, are ready for something like that. However, if H really wanted to see oc (with me of course) I would go. I do not want to keep H away from oc. That is not okay with me. I understand that part....however the conception and all that For some strange reason, I used a reverse calculator to see when conception would have been....STUPID! It was during his "season" on Labor Day...the only day he had off (I didn't know that of course) and HE took whore by the ocean. At least is was somewhere we haven't been, but now I will never go there. UGH! Another trigger I gave myself. Well, maybe not, it already was, just worse now, I guess. Whatever.

I am simply overwhelmed. There is so much going on with my life. I feel like I don't have any escape. H has a family. My dad is still in a rehab facility due to his accident. My dad isn't someone I can really turn to anyway. I have my BF and she's wonderful....but she has a family of her own (not that she minds at all). I have my M and H and OC and whore to worry about and my dad, and the lack of funds my dad has and everything is beginning to become REALLY expensive. My dad's other kids (I am adopted) they don't help at all. They ask how dad is and they feel good about asking. They don't ask what THEY can do to help....so I am stuck with it all. Stuck is the wrong word. I don't mind helping my dad at all!! It's just stressful with the lack of funds my dad has, that I have, and the fact that the government SUCKS at taking care of our elders.

SOoooo.....

There is A LOT on plate. Even my IC said that something has to give at one point! It just seems that everytime something is looking up....something crappy happens....like today and another damn bill my dad "forgot" to mention which I had to pay. Thank goodness I even HAD that extra money.


Anyway....yep...

Then there is this weekend. The 4th a HUGE trigger for me. Unknown to me at the time, My H last year took whore to do fireworks with his siblings. So I have asked H to plan something just for us AND to have fireworks at OUR house. I CANNOT go to IL's house. Granted, last year that is NOT where they did fireworks, but I don't care!! They ALL KNEW! Eight years I have been in this family and they didn't say a damn thing to H about his crappy behavior or to me. Thanks assholes...

Anyway, today H pretty much says "I don't know, I haven't talked to anyone about it. And I am not sure how I feel about shooting off the fireworks here (we have illegals)." Which pretty much means that it won't be here. I told him go ahead, go to your parents, but I will stay here. I can't to there knowing you had whore with you last year while I was at home calling and texting you crying my eyes out. Dick. I know he has a lot on his mind, but damn! FOR ONCE put me and my feelings first!! I didn't just "spring" this on him. I brought this up at least a week ago. Damn.

I am beginning to come to the conclusion that he isn't going to step up. Yeah, he does some things, calls, tries to keep me in the loop, but I need him to go BEYOND the call. BEYOND what I ask for. I am tired of telling him what I need and why. Put me first! Think about how things will affect me BEFORE you do or say it. Ugh. I am tired today. Tired and sad. I know it takes time....I just read so much about truly remorseful WS...yes my H is sorry. He is VERY much filled with regret....but where is the remorse? He is sorry. I know that, but DO something about it. Today, I was sad....he says "I hate seeing you like this." I finally used my IC's comment....Well, if you hate seeing me like this, why don't you do something about it?

UGH!

I am so down. I HATE this weekend. I hate this situation. I hate how alone IRL I am

Thank goodness for all of you..I'd REALLY be a mess then!


Sorry I rambled....


PS....I have reason to believe that whore is on SI...still waiting for proof...

[This message edited by Finesse026 at 8:15 PM, July 2nd (Friday)]


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, July 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh God... my family knows about OC.

How?? I have no idea. My mother, out of the blue, told me she heard a rumor at work (where my mother used to be WxBF and OW's supervisor...although neither WxBF nor OW work there anymore) that WxBF was going to be a father. She said she didn't know if I knew.

I was so caught off guard that I just said, "I don't want to talk about it" - to her, I am sure that was confirmation that it was true.

Unfortunately, my family is a bunch of gossips...so there is no doubt that anyone and everyone has now heard the "rumor" and I am sure everyone is talking about me...

I was supposed to go to a family picnic today, but I think I am going to stay home now. I think if someone asks me about it, I will lose it.

With no R in sight for us, I was hoping that the truth would never coming out so I didn't have to deal with the humiliation. But I guess that's not an option now...


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010
alexa071
♂ Member
Member # 28881
Shocked  Posted: 8:56 AM, July 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was told I might find some help here in this thread...

5 weeks ago my wife of 6 years admitted to having an affair 2.5 years ago. She said she only had sex with him once. Then four times. Then I ordered a DNA test for our (her) son. When the test came back the truth really came out.

We have a son who we were trying to have who is two years old. Apparently, he isn't mine. My WW now says that she slept with the OM more times than she could count. She said she had sex with him multiple (2-3) times during the month she conceived our (her) son. And she admits that she remembers a condom coming off.

I'm still in a daze right now... the whole truth just came out two days ago. It just severely complicates things for our M now that our son isn't our son. It a way, it seems to make it a perfect time to get out. On the other hand, I don't know if that's what I want.

Legally, he's my son of the marriage until I or the OM contest the paternity in court. So if I want out I can make that contestation. Conversely, if we tell him and he wants to be back in my wife's life he can also make that contestation.

I assume there's really two paths here. One: I try to R with my WW (who has done unspeakable things to me) and raise her son as my own. I have spent two years with him and I do love him dearly, but now every time I look at him I'm sad because it reminds me of what she did to us. Two: File for divorce and petition the court for contestation of paternity and start over from scratch. I have a lot of fear about being alone again but I'm starting to realize I'll be okay on either path.

Any words of advice concerning how this works?


Me: BH (32)
Her: XWW/SA/Borderline PD (Betrayer47) (32)
OC: (4)

Posts: 1042 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: MN
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, July 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Alex))

Welcome.

Unfortunately, there aren't many (any?) BHs here with the OC issue. But the women who post here are wonderful, caring, and a compassionate and hopefully can offer you some support and advice.

In your situation... is the OM still in the picture? Does he know the child is his? I think that bit of info might change the advice I would have for you...


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, July 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am beginning to come to the conclusion that he isn't going to step up. Yeah, he does some things, calls, tries to keep me in the loop, but I need him to go BEYOND the call. BEYOND what I ask for. I am tired of telling him what I need and why. Put me first! Think about how things will affect me BEFORE you do or say it. Ugh. I am tired today. Tired and sad. I know it takes time....I just read so much about truly remorseful WS...yes my H is sorry. He is VERY much filled with regret....but where is the remorse?

((Finesse))

I think the question then becomes - if he isn't going to step up, can you stay with him knowing that? He should be fighting for you and your relationship.

I think that when I realized WxBF wasn't willing to fight for me or our relationship, I knew I had to let him go. Because I didn't think I could be truly happy with him again if I knew I wasn't worth fighting for.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010
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