you deserve the chance to apply your own judgement here because his is clearly terrible. you can't do that without all the facts and some power.
i would think your MC would address this. it's pretty fundamental in these situations. whatever you guys decide to do with visitation or CS (if it's even his) is a completely separate matter. building trust is his job and he's failing.
hahahaha. i sound like i know what i'm talking about! take my advice for what it is, but please do go read the guide posted by BMC0415. it's helped me a lot. it will likely empower you against his manipulations and influence. and please remember that people don't have to consciously manipulate you to mess with your head. my WH doesn't do it on purpose, he thinks he's a really nice, reasonable guy. (obviously, right?).
sigh. i'm glad the OC is in africa. at least i know he's not visiting her behind my back. (and seems to be keeping NC with OW). we don't have paternity established yet either and OW has already sent him all kinds of pictures of "the little one." gag. he's so gonna get grilled tonight after that little trigger. lol. (don't worry, it's not your fault if i trigger from your post. it can happen anytime. this still feels very fresh for me).
come back here for support, it really will keep you strong. there are so many people here who are supportive and knowledgable. it's too hard by yourself, the emotions are too strong to keep a clear head.
i told my IC that a "whole village" was getting me through this. he told me, "perfect, use the whole village, don't be ashamed and don't stop."
i'm so sorry you are here, and i know it's cliche, but at least you are not alone.
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
Instead of texting me today & confirming pickup time, she called fWH @home today (after OC had already called via her cell to say Happy B-day). She informed him that OC was sick with diarhea for 2 days....and, see if fWH still wanted OC on his b-day, because we'd have to stick close to a toilet and it would mess up our dinner plans. I wouldn't put it past OW to have been feeding OC ExLax to ruin our dinner outing.
Info about OC could've been relayed via my cell/texting.
KNEW she couldn't go 1 b-day w/out speaking to fWH!
What's funny though, is OC called earlier today from her cell while in Wal-mart where OW was buying gift bags for her VacationBibleSchool students. OC is too sick to go out to dinner with fWH, but not to go to Wal-mart w/OW?
nikki: secret meetings are no-nos. I am here to give witness that ANY contact w/OW without you around, can lead to repeat affairs (if they ever ended)...even many years late. I basically had to put my foot down and say "either you go NC w/OW, or give up our M and me." NC was a condition of R#3, for my own sanity. When fWH has contact w/OW, it is SUPPOSED to be through me or when we are both at an event (school or sporting) for OC. I guess some people don't have issues w/OW never giving up, but in our case...it seems it will always be a problem.
OW still tries to break NC. fWH is even guilty of it some, claiming need for voice conversation about OC.....most things aren't so important that he should need to call her directly. If that's the case while I'm @work, I can put fWH on 2-way calling/conf. call from my work phone and call her together.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 2:48 PM, June 10th (Thursday)]
Your last paragraph, I am with you 100%, they should just do the honorable thing, and do this because it is right, after all is that what we deserve from them in the laest bit, for what we actually do for them NOW!!!
My FWH has said it is what is right now, but he stil makes stupid comments like that as well, they just don't get it, but want us too. LOL Quit throwing it in my face, but what did they just do, to us !!!!
Nikki-- Listen to these ladies...
I went through the secret contact, and oh the visits were just to see the boys, only because OW was making it difficult for him to have them around me, and munipulated him to extremes to have power of the situation. Well it went on about a year, and much more severe contact then what I really thought, and load and behol, the A was still going on. WTF!!! yeppers, I tell you put a stop to that...
LIKE STRETCH Said:secret visits are a dealbreaker. if you haven't established that with him yet, you must do it now. you will never recover if you are always wondering if there is something you don't know...if he's trying to "spare" your feelings...or just wants to avoid rocking the boat. guess what? he pretty much freakin' capsized the boat. secret visits are, at worst, a continued affair, or at the least, more proof that he can hide whatever he thinks will make you mad if he doesn't want to deal with it.
I especially like the last sentence......
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
I posted in general: however, thought I should let you all know that I will be leaving you guys. I told WH yes WH last night that I wanted out of this relationship, he said you mean marriage, I said no this has not been a marriage for over 4 yrs now.
He has continued the A. It never ended like I was lead to believe, it hurts so bad. But I do no I will be ok, and probably better. No turning back this time... Repeating this over and over until it sinks in. I have wasted to much time, on someone who does not deserve it.
Good luck to all of you, and you all have been so wonderful to me. I will still come and read from time to time, and maybe post once in awhile..
We will still be here if you need support.
NC with him has been going well. I can't block him from calling or emailing me at work, and he did send me an email last week to my work address saying that he will leave me be, but he is trying to figure all this out and I may not talk to him for a while, but he is going to come back and fight for me.
Great. I didn't respond, and I hope he gets the hint that I don't want him to come back and fight for me. Too little, too late.
The board is slow today, but I wanted to let you know that you have been heard.
I am so sorry, but good for you on keeping up with the NC. I know it's difficult, my FWH kept trying to come crawling back after I threw him out (he was living with the OW in a camper at the time).
Don't they just make you want to sometimes?
So sorry for your pain. You guys have to do what is right for you in your heart. You are strong, you can do this. Take care of you, and we are here if you need us.
Stay strong with the NC, Whalers.
Dreamer, I am so sorry to hear that the affair was still going on. What an ass! All of us on this board deserve THE BEST.
Hang in there, everyone. Even though I broke up with my X over a year ago, I still struggle with all of this shit. My thoughts are with all of you.
My heart goes out to you both.
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
Waht a complete moron if he doesn't get a DNA test!
I am so sorry, especially for when you have to explain it to your boys.
OC is 14 months older than COM, and I dread the day I have to explain that she has a sibling so close in age...
It's a difficult situation no matter the road we choose.
You know I must admit that I took a little joy in telling H that he was not the father of twins, at the time it felt like poetic justice. I am not happy about how it hurt him now, but it felt good at the time.
((Finesse)), how are you holding up sweetie?
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 10:13 AM, June 15th (Tuesday)]
I knew there was a good chance she would come if we divorced. I believe that is why I tried to hang on for so long. But like Bigger told another member, I realized it was worse to share him than lose him. Luckily my mother in law totally despises her and doesn't want the boys around her. I know it will happen eventually, but not until we are comfortable. I have proof that she slit her wrists over my XH. Lawyer said if she does come, I can bring a motion for mental health evaluations before the kids are allowed around her.
My goal now is NC with XH unless it's about the kids. Try to do text and email as much as possible, but with them being so young, probably have to have some phone conversations. I have told him he better get a DNA test and he knows his family will not accept the baby until it has been proven. He just says it's not my problem. So be it! Thanks again for all of your support and advice! I'll keep you updated!
Finesse, I think I sent u a pm, but was wondering how you are doing. Hope your days are getting better!
as for the paternity thing, i think your XH is dead wrong on one thing. i'd tell him that anything that may affect the psychology of your children now or in the future is certainly your problem. who is going to help them understand all this later? or comfort them if they've bonded with OC, then WH and OW get on each other's nerves, she proves he's not the father and takes "sister" away to germany? or who explains why they've never gotten to meet this girl who they now find out is their half-sister (without them blaming you)? he is an idiot, too, if OW has documented mental problems, lives far away where there Are plenty of "sperm donors," and he's not getting DNA tests??
they don't get that their problems only start with them, the ripple effect is more than they will probably ever recognize. my WH was saying he was going to move back home (far) if we split up for good. when i asked him how he could do that to DD and that she wouldn't remember or know him, his comment was, "well, sacrifices will have to be made." i said, "who's sacrifice? DD's?" and then i told him it was a really p*$$! thing to do. he has since reconsidered, but really was feeling sorry for himself missing out on DDs life as though it would only hurt him or me.
i hate all of this. we are getting along fairly well right now, but i can't let myself get sucked back in because i know he still has to deal with her and her when the time comes. so, i told him for now to expect my walls to stay up, his doghouse to be occupied, and to not "get any" until OC was back, paternity is done and they know how they are proceeding. i can't keep trying to get closer to him while he's sorting that out. it's a little easier for me because they don't seem to care for each other much at all. if they start an A again after all this, she's welcome to his pathetic butt. i don't see that happening. i'm more afraid of someone new than her.
i hate this. it's just getting so boring. i'm tired of "doing as well as can be expected." i'm tired of limbo. i'm tired of not being able to concentrate and people having to "check on me." sometimes i wish i could find that one piece of evidence that would let me write him off forever. but i know to be careful what i wish for, yuck.
we start MC next thursday. it only took him six months to schedule our first appt after dday! wow! sometimes i wish i could look at that and say, "he's just not serious about this." instead, more realistically, i'm looking at "he's just not competent enough to juggle all of this." (thanks, adhd!)
Even though fWH did not do anything legal (except pay for DNA & add his name to BC) until after A#3 in 2008 - started the proceedings during their 3rd A though, while they were on really good terms. fWH had been paying CS monthly and getting OC 3-4 (or more) days weekly since the DNA was positive. Since OW finally caved on signing after fighting it for many months (it wasn't agreed anymore & she refused to sign until fWH had her served w/court papers - at additional cost)....She was gung-ho about it until he broke off A#3, then fWH realized she was making more money than both fWH & me together for about 3 years or more (she'd actually owed him CS).
fWH now has joint custody. He got the lawyer to write up the parenting plan (which includes visitation & other stuff). OW still actually owed him CS, but fWH wrote that out.
What's hard is that in order to keep fWH NC w/OW (or my best attempt at it), I had to step up and be the pickup/dropoff person. Plus, fWH insists on seeing OC daily afterschool which means I see OW 3-4 days each week (except during summer). And, when OC was in basketball, I'd also have to see OW on weekends (until she quit "playing" at the good mommy routine for fWH's benefit & to torment me by showing to almost every ballgame).
I think that in fWH's case, it was in his best interest to get the lawyer first & propose the papers with the wording he wanted about visits etc. It shows the judge that he IS interested in OC and wants to be the responsible/active parent in OC's life.
We have OC every FRI-SAT-SUN night during school. Alternating THURs during school. Then Fri & Sat nights during summer. Plus some other holidays & birthdays. fWH & OW have OC almost the same amount of time, but not exactly (she has about 20 nights more - which overnights give the parent that day in calculations in our state). Last summer, OW let fWH keep OC even on Sunday nights, but because of tutoring for COM on Monday afternoons, we basically had to decide if I wanted OC to stay Sun night and fWH take her back to OW on Mondays, or if OW's BH#2 would be pickup on Mondays. Fortunately, fWH allowed me to ask OW to get OC on Sundays.
Until fWH lost his job then went on disability, he carried medical/dental/vision on OC. Now I carry her on our family's plan through my work.
OW is the payee for OC's check which she gets from fWH's SS disability. fWH was the payee, but OW got that changed. Now OW gets $800/month for OC's use. She isn't saving any of it. Bankrupt SAHM OW just got brand new car, OC gets new clothes monthly, OC got a cell w/unlimited texting/calls, OW's home got new living room furniture & new hardwood floors. OW routinely gets manicures now also. It burns us up about OC's $$$, but we cannot make OW save any for OC. SocSec decided she was best suited to be the payee now, so we will see what happens @end of year when they need both families to do inventory of expenses/savings for fWH's children receiving benefits. DS13/DS10 both have savings accts now specifically for any remaining monthly $$$ of theirs....OC9 doesn't have any savings. With OC's $$$ this month, OW bought a laptop and they got internet. I don't think OC gets to use the laptop.
On another note:
I was really sick Fri night/Saturday morning (stomach virus)....I reluctantly had to ask fWH to go pickup OC. Did not want him around her, but had no choice unless I wanted to try to drive in my condition. I took OC back on Sun though. OW's BH#2 showed up w/OW too. He feels about the same way about OW being around fWH. They cannot be trusted to be around each other alone...period. Even COM being chaperones isn't quite the same.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 1:11 PM, June 16th (Wednesday)]