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User Topic: OC Support Thread (BS Only)-New Thread
eyesnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, June 4th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well now I'm finding out that in my state we don't have legal separation, that all I can do is have a temporary hearing to file for child support so she doesn't get the full amount? does this sound right?


Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, June 4th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stretch - I call BS too. And I think that's what makes me so sad...after all this, he is still lying. I will never believe anything that comes out of his mouth again.

I am just having a hard time detaching...


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2061 | Registered: Feb 2010
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, June 4th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

eyes now open - yes that sounds right. that's how it is in my state too. you can do a marital separation agreement with child support that establishes the amount before anyone else's dirty little fingers get near what's due you. i'm not sure about the hearing part exactly, maybe just for the child support? but here the MSA becomes the divorce agreement if/when you decide to split for good (after a minimum of one year in my case because we have a kid). that's in VA.

whalers11 - this whole detaching thing SUHUX!!!! i know what you mean. i feel like i'm pulling fish-hooks out of my heart the wrong way with each tiny detachment. arg. the blocking thing is such a great start. NC is good, but don't be surprised if he comes crawling back someday on his hands and knees. if that happens, and i were you, i'd go ahead and cut him down to his hips and elbows and tell him to have a fun time crawling back to the rock from under which he came :) his comments to you were very low. abusive even. i don't care if you are batshit crazy, you deserve better than this. once you do detach, you'll look back, embarrassed at how much bs you did put up with. and by thenl, someone out there will probably appreciate you even more than that jerk appreciates himself.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, June 5th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, if you haven't heard...


http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=358405


Things seem worse for me and H. We can't seem to get things together. We are both very upset. He didn't feel anything for oc, but wants to be a father. I don' get that, but I do to...it's "the right thing to do" or so Wh says. Ugh. I hate my life today. We have done nothing but cry. We don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I am miserable. I don't want to leave, but what else is there?! I am trying with all my might to hang on....I have IC Monday...hoping Wh will go....we can't do this R thing alone...we've tried. UGH!


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
SAMMYGIRL
♀ New Member
Member # 24271
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, June 5th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FINESSE,
HUGGS for you. Hold your head up. It hurts like h.
I'm a year out of dday of oc twins. there are good days and bad days.This weeks feels like an open wound. I babysit the oc twins every other weekend. They love me. I love them.. It was ackward in the beginning watching him with them and them being clinging. No they prefer me sometimes to him. especially at bedtime.

They just ask to be loved. Look at it this way it's bette than getting older teenage step children. The ow well. Baby Momma #?
Not a wife.

These are just a few of my thoughts to try to help you and myself on a very rough day for both of us.

Serenity prayer helps me make it through the day.

Be well.


me-Bs 49/him-WS 53
d -day #1 4-08
D-day 2 5-10-09
r-5-13-09 Working at it together
married 20 yrs
9 kids 6 grandchildren
OC TWINS 1 yr old

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jun 2009
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, June 5th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Sammy...that does help. That is the way I look at it. I try anyway. But I need H in this too....ugh.


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, June 5th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Finesse)), SammysGirl I was just thinking about you and wondering how you were.

Since there are so many new members I think I should repost the OC Handbook for help in dealing with this stitch. Finesse since you said that you have no plan, this is a guide to help you with some of the decisions that need to be made. Hugs to us all.

Thanks to Scooter 3377!
Below are some helpful starters for "newbies":
OC HANDBOOK (courtesy Me&My3)

1. Dna results must be established and your H should hire an atty immediately if he hasn't already done so. DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON YOUR OWN ONLY THROUGH AN ATTORNEY SKILLED IN FAMILY LAW.

2. If you have children of your own with your h take steps to protect them and yourself by filing for a pseudo legal separation; because in the case of child support, he who files first gets the most (in most states). It doesn't matter one bit which child came first only who files for support first. So if she files first she gets an amount based on his entire income and if you then get separated/divorced your child support would be based on a percentage of his income less what he's already paying her. Makes sense to protect yourself by filing for a separation that way if you and your husband divorce you will benefit more and if you stay together it will keep more money in your household. Even if you're financially self-sufficient you should still consider setting up a child support order because in these uncertain times you never know what tomorrow will bring i.e. corporate downsizing, etc. It never hurts to have that order in place even if you don't need it now. Also consider having alimony set up in the separation papers as it can also reduce the ow's child support order.

3. Visitation with possible oc or sending money to the ow for the oc is a no-no until dna has been established and the courts are involved. Everything should be done legally as it's the only way to protect you and your family. Trust me on this one. There are couples out there who have been dealing with an oc for several years. Visitation, money, etc. only to discover that the child is NOT his. They are embroiled in a huge legal battle because the wayward husband "assumed" parental responsibility of the child.

4. Depending on which state you live in your h could be responsible for back child support, internment (costs of labor and delivery), the costs of the dna test if it's positive, current medical coverage and also a portion of child care costs. Any money that passes hands before a court order is made or before an attorney draws up a legal document signed by both parties may be considered a gift and may not be deducted from the back support amount owed. Some states base child support payments on both the husband and the wives income (another good reason to file for a legal separation). In other words the 'household income' is what they use to determine those payments not just the husbands income.

5. Any decisions to have contact with the oc if it is indeed your H's should be made by both of you. He should not be imposing his wants upon you if you want no contact. ANY decisions made regarding the possible oc should be made jointly. Your H should not be having any contact with ow unless you are both completely involved. That means no phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no meetings, nothing and NO SECRETS! PERIOD! But if you're smart--DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON YOUR OWN ONLY THROUGH AN ATTORNEY SKILLED IN FAMILY LAW.

6. Work on your marriage first and foremost before you even consider having contact. A weakened marriage will only be further weakened if you throw the tension of an oc into the mix. Get into marriage counseling and IC if possible. You can look around this board and see how difficult reconciliation is without an oc so take things slowly and think through them very carefully.

7. Contact with oc is a very personal choice. Many women are able to make the decision to go down that road while others are not. There is a lot of drama that goes along with contact, it's not an easy path to choose. Also consider that visitation can be started at any time down the road. If say in two years you are then open to the idea of contact the child won't have suffered if your husband wasn't involved for the first couple years. It won't even know the difference.

8. Remember that if the oc is indeed your husband's child the ow will no longer hold all the cards. If the two of you want contact she can't prevent it. She can't prevent you from being involved, etc. She can't call all the shots, only the courts can. Once she decides to attach paternity to your husband she is forfeiting a portion of her parental rights.

9. Make sure that you dot your i's and cross your t's in the form of legal documents. If you're adamant about no contact, have it in the papers. If you want to prevent her from making contact with your children or extended family put it in the paperwork. If your H is responsible for a portion of child care costs require ow to only use a licensed child care provider which will prevent her from having her momma watch and claim she's charging $250.00 a week when she's really charging nothing at all.

10. Protect your financial assets such as homes, etc. If you don't have a will get one now. If anything were to happen to your ws the ow would be able to fight you for a portion of everything if indeed the oc is his. Many people create a will that specifically excludes the oc or they leave the oc some small stipend such as a dollar so that the old "he forgot to include me" argument can't be used. If you intend to have a relationship with the oc should dna confirm that it's your H's then this is all a moot point.

11. If you and your spouse do decide to have contact document everything. Keep a notebook and list everything possible in it from the time the oc is picked up/ dropped off to whether or not they were dirty when you got them from the ow. This information has come in very handy for others in the same situation that ended up having to fight for custody, etc and it's one more way to protect yourself.

FAQs wrt OW/OC:

Q: What if there is an OC? Submitted by PHOEBE

A: This complicates so many things in a marriage I cannot answer it all but will hit on the highlights. There are many questions that need to be answered when it comes to dealing with an other child. First you must find out if the child is the H with a DNA test? Seek out a family attorney to consult with. This is a must because a family must know their rights. Too many get empty threats from the OP involved and they do not know any better so tend to believe many things untrue. Try to protect yourself and your children of the marriage legally.

Does the married couple want contact or no contact? NC or C are not easy, keep in mind wait to make an informed decision. I want to make it clear it is usually easier to heal a marriage without contact with the OP/OC initially. Contact can always be established later on after the marriage is repaired or far along as it can be in the healing process to consider contact with the OC.

It is a personal decision to include OC in your household or not. Neither choice is good or bad. Consider that it may be great to have the OC involved in 2 separate families that are amicable or it may be detrimental to the OC to have to deal with 2 hostile environments. Many times the OC was not planned and the adults involved cannot get along, take a step back and think long and hard about the child's best interest.

The OC is no more important than the COM or the BS. You do not have to change your lives around to accept anyone. I know you may want to fix everything for your Spouse but you must let him take responsibility for his own actions. DS this is some of what I have to say about this if someone has already answered it you can add it. This is a complicated situation with too many variables

Q: How do I deal with continued contact with OW because of OC? Submitted by Bee-Trayed

A: The decision on how to handle an OW/OC situation is a deeply personal one. Some BS find that they have it in their hearts to make the OC a part of their lives; others do not. There is no right or wrong answer to this situation. However, when it is the WS's choice to have contact with the OC then certain "battle" lines must be drawn with the OW, to facilitate the re-establishment of trust in the marriage.

This is best accomplished by establishing a clear understanding between the BS and WS of what will and will not be acceptable or allowable boundaries. Here are some hypothetical:


NC whatsoever with OW/OC
Contact with OC possible but with BS present
Neutral zone for visitation; no visits at OW's home, etc.
Legally drawn up contract stating acceptable parameters for OW to contact WS.
These are just a few sample suggestions. Remember, once there is an OC involved, and paternity has been established, BOTH parents have rights. Make them work for you. It is unbalancing and counter-productive to find yourself on the defensive with the OW.

Establish, with the assistance of your spouse, what your "comfort zone" and rights are with the OW, then send a clear and UNIFIED message to the OW of what you will and will not tolerate. This helps the BS to re-establish some control over a situation that is tragic for all concerned, but in which they, along with the OC, are also a victim.

Q: What do we tell our kids about OC? Submitted by Bee-Trayed

A: Many BSs express concern over telling their children about the existence of the OW/OC. Fear of emotional trauma to the COM, damage to the parental relationship between the WS and COM, or other negative consequences relating to the A abound. How, or if, a BS decides to divulge this information is also highly individual and neither right nor wrong. Family dynamics, the ages of the COM, and other factors unique to the BS's family environment influence the decision.

Relying on one's instinct is probably a good place to start. If there is any uncertainty as to the affect disclosure may cause, then it is probably better to wait until a more opportune time arises. Children are resilient, but that does not mean they should be unnecessarily wounded or burdened with this knowledge.

Examining one's motives for exposing the OW/OC's existence may be one aspect to consider. Preparing them for a possibly unpleasant encounter with OW/OC at a future date might be another. Knowledge is power, but not if it creates a destabilizing environment for the COM. Consider all options and then take your time making the decision. Choosing the right time or place, and striving to neutralize the emotionally charged nature of the subject, can make the difference between a "successful" disclosure and a devastating one.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, June 5th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I have read this before...I will print it out to discuss with Wh...


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, June 6th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you BMC0415, great summary post. i can't imagine a life spent tracking dirty clothes at drop off times, phone calls, times, keeping all that paperwork, dealing with the OW at all. WH can't possibly pull it off with his ADHD and will get screwed over if she tries. sigh.

finesse - feel free to pm me or probably any of us. i'm so sorry you have to go through this. it must be so intense right now. all my best and keep your support strong.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, June 6th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Stretch...that means so much.

Things are freaking crazy! It's day two post birth...tody is better than the last two. My poor H is working like crazy, he hasn't had any sleep and neither of us know what we are doing. I don't even know what I am doing...let alone us or our M.

UGH.

One day at a time....one moment at a time...

I think we are both trying to simply to survive...

The other stuff can wait for the moment. I just need to feel above water so to speak first...


How did everyone get through the initial birth?! I REALLY didn't think it would affect me like this....


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I haven't been on much lately. Really busy @home & work, then took vacation.

OC took her cell on vacation. How nice was it to know that OC took photos of the cabin & OW texted back "nice cabin." Feel like I'm on BigBrother (reality TV), and OW is watching our lives via cell camera. Yesterday, OC took photo of fWH lying in bed shirtless watching TV...wonder if she texted that to OW too?

OW agreed to let fWH send OC back on Sunday nights (per papers)...don't think she knows it's because of us though....DS13/DS10 have tutoring from 5-7PM Mondays all summer (which is right in middle of the time for OC to be dropped off). Sunday nights weren't in fWH's days anyway.

fWH had b-day coming up Thursday....OC is supposed to be his that day. OC is supposed to do VBS (vacation Bible school) all this week. OW is teaching a class @church for VBS? Still don't trust OW @all though no matter how much she is now going to church (she was the one who mocked me about being religious on D-day#3). Won't be letting fWH do the dropoff/pickup for OC ever again, if he wants me to be his wife (a condition of R#3). If he has to take OC, then it MUST be OW's BH#2 doing the pickup.

Maybe during lunch, I'll catch up on reading the thread.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finesse026 - i didn't have to get through the birth, i found out two months later. however, i keep having to endure these f-ed up delays where OW & OC went home to africa for 3 months, no paternity, no idea if we'd ever see her again. then she came back. without the baby.

i funnelled.

then it took over a month for my WH to meet with her to find out her intentions. 3-6 months and the baby will probably come back. then paternity testing.

when he met her to find that out? i funnelled.

when i say funnelled, especially in the second case, after she was back here, i lost my shit for probably two weeks. i am normally a really stoic, strong person in the face of life's big ones. but i completely fell apart. i never anticipated the depth of turmoil and sickness i would feel.

i am continually suprised by the impact these different moments/milestones in this process can have.

i know where you are coming from. how do you get through it? you just do. even if you don't want to. you just do. it's going to feel crazy...let it. you ARE crazy right now.

i love you lady, even without knowing you. i have such a strong sense of how your stomach and heart and mind are wrestling in painful vomit that feels like it could fly out at any minute...or maybe i could cut it out of my chest...all this pain. crazy thoughts in crazy times. (obviously projected my feelings there).

cry, cry, post, post, scream, run, sleep....just exist until it gets better.

hugs :(


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Texted OW about getting OC Thursday. It's fWH's 40th birthday. OW said I could get her Thursday, if I take her to vacation Bible school from 6-9PM at OW's church. Okay. Yes, VBS is a good thing, but is it more important than her father's birthday (it's also FIL's b-day)? How would OC be able to celebrate @all w/her daddy, if she & I were gone all evening. OW just said that, so we wouldn't get her. I don't want us to have to do it, but I think we're going to have to pull out the custody agreement that says "OC stays w/fWH on his b-day and with OW on her b-day and OC stays w/siblings on their b-days no matter which day it falls on." I hate having to play hardball w/OW. She probably wants fWH to call her & hash it out verbally, so she can say Happy B-day! She was w/fWH off & on over a span of 10 years (not sure how many months it really amounted to in total - my guess is 12-18 months out of 10 years)...I'm positive that she knows when his b-day is. I'll get fWH's answer tonight & text her back. I'm pretty sure he's going to say "RepeatBS326 will pick up OC Thursday for my b-day and she will not be going to VBS that night or any other night that weekend." I seem to recall we ran into this last year also. I'm thinking we did pickup/dropoff of OC @park for VBS & then got her back really late (all except fWH's b-day which I think we made her miss BibleSchool).


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, June 8th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hadn't texted OW the reply from fWH yet last night & OC called fWH from her cell to his cell.

Basically, OC said she'd prefer to go to Bible school instead of coming home for fWH's 40th birthday. fWH was pretty bummed out about it. Then, OC called back again, with OW in background telling her to make sure. And, fWH indeed again confirmed that if OC wanted to go both Thurs/Fri nights to VBS, then there was no point in her coming home until Saturday because she wouldn't be done until 9PM each night (which is @bath/bedtime).

THEN, the house phone rang. It was from OW's cell #. I did not give the phone to fWH. I had to speak to OW. She said OC was upset because her Daddy didn't want her home on his birthday. I had to tell OW 2 times that NO, that wasn't the case. That he really wanted her home with him. That he told her that. That it was OC who said she wanted to come home & then do VBS Thurs, then me get her back after (around 9:30PM), then take her back to OW on Friday (so she could go to VBS from 6-9), then get her back YET again at 9:30PM. I told OW that fWH didn't think he would have any time w/OC on his b-day or Friday, so she might as well stay w/OW and that we were going out to dinner Thursday and 9:30PM was too late to wait for dinner & we wouldn't have time for dinner b4 I had to take OC back (she'd basically have 30min to spend w/him).

I hate talking to OW. She just couldn't get it. She kept saying "OC is really upset that her daddy didn't want her home for his b-day." Why on earth would I have even asked to get her back on Thurs, if fWH didn't want her there.

So, the compromise. I get OC @5:30PM Thurs, take her back @5:30PM Fri, then pick her up again on Sat @11AM, then take her back on Sun. @5PM. So much running...I had hoped for a break this summer from seeing OW so much.

I am still gonna work on fWH letting OC be car rider this fall on OW's nights (since she'll already be @school picking up OC's sister who's starting kindergarten this year). The county changed the many-many-many year tradition of starting school @7:30AM. They moved it forward 40min. So, school won't be out until 3:10PM (instead of 2:30PM). The bus won't get them home until around 4PM. fWH will have about 1.5 hr only to spend w/OC before she has to pack her stuff up & me take her to OW @6PM (or 5:45PM on Wed - church night). Is all the running, even worth the afterschool snack time & small amount of socializing she will be doing w/her daddy?


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, June 8th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am still gonna work on fWH letting OC be car rider this fall on OW's nights (since she'll already be @school picking up OC's sister who's starting kindergarten this year). The county changed the many-many-many year tradition of starting school @7:30AM. They moved it forward 40min. So, school won't be out until 3:10PM (instead of 2:30PM). The bus won't get them home until around 4PM. fWH will have about 1.5 hr only to spend w/OC before she has to pack her stuff up & me take her to OW @6PM (or 5:45PM on Wed - church night). Is all the running, even worth the afterschool snack time & small amount of socializing she will be doing w/her daddy?

I know I have encouraged you to end this before, but I think this is your perfect situation to do so. Even in a sitauation where the parents are friendly, I think this would definately take its toll on a daily basis. Plus, how long does it take you to meet OW and get back home? Do your DSs go with you? So at least one of you (H or yourself)is losing time with your DSs so that your H can spend less than 1.5 with OC everyday, not to mention the gas spent and wear and tear. It just doesn't make sense to me to continue this.

I know she didn't do anything to deserve parents that created this crazy situation, but neither do kids with divorced parents and most of them don't get to see both parents everyday. Good luck - I hope you are able to convince your H.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, June 9th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's about a 10min drive to park & 10 back, but the stress of getting OC ready "where's your coat, do you have your homework folder, where are your shoes?" begins about 30 min before we leave house. I get home about 5PM from work (unless I run a quick errand), start process of getting her ready about 5:20PM, don't get back home until 6:10PM or later (depending on whether OW is on-time or late). So, it technically wastes close to 1 hour of my time daily, so he would be able to only spend 1.5 hr with OC (it gave him from 3PM-520ish before county revised school schedule).

Honestly, I am surprised that fWH caved on letting me take OC back on Sunday evenings this summer. With all the fighting between OC and DSx2, it was kinda quiet this past Sunday afternoon after she left. DS10 actually came & asked "where is OC?"

I guess, basically, unless I want fWH seeing OW daily, I had to step-up and be the DO/PU person. I cannot trust OW to really send her BH#2 to be the pickup and the less fWH physically sees OW, the better. The physical attraction & "love" feeling btwn them may dwindle better this way....or that's my hope. I couldn't get any other relative to do the dropoffs...believe me, I tried to get MIL to do it, but she claims "I haven't driven in so long, I wouldn't feel safe driving OC to park." Really, MIL had become friends w/OW and her mother, so I think she is trying to be NC with them as much as possible. Or, I hope she's not being friendly behind my back & chatting to them all the time on phone again.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Nikkiflower
♀ Member
Member # 27778
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, June 9th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

**I posted in general too, but thought this would be a good question for this thread!**

So basically we are going through the the DNA process right now, I was told that she had let him know she was petitioning him for CS on friday...

Last night he told me he has seen the child on 3 separate occasions since its been born. This devastated me, he since DDAY, has told me he planned on being involved with the OC cause he "cant turn his back on this child like his dad did to him". My problem, I was not told that he was seeing her, and of course, with the child comes the OW.

I left to my parents house this morning, because its one thing to be dealing with this OC, but to think he is going behind my back to see the child, that he is "not sure" is even his made red flags go up ALL OVER, I will not sit back and allow this "relationship" to go on behind my back.

He says it has nothing to do with her,that they met at a McDonalds so he could see the baby, and that he didnt tell me because things were going good with us and he didnt want to "rock the emotional boat" since it didnt have to be rocked. He said she petitioned for the DNA test because she is mad that he wont keep in contact with her...

How do the other members with OC's deal with visitation?

We have an appointment on Monday with the MC, and I want to lay it all on the table...that these are my expectations with this OC, take it or leave it... any suggestions?


BS - Me 28
WS - Him 28
Together- 7 Years
Beautiful Daughter-5YR
Beautiful Daughter #2-2 Years
Baby Girl #3- Due 05/2014
D-Day 11/2009 +
R Since 11/2009
OW 25
Possible OC- "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER" 09/2010
New Problems 03/2011
Split

Posts: 144 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: California
SurvivingInCA
♀ Member
Member # 23898
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, June 9th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Nikki,

So sorry that you find yourself on this thread. I don't have any advice to offer about visitation as we are NC with OC and OW (except for when she comes looking for more $) - but I know that there are a lot of folks on here that have wisdom they can share.

Hang in there!


BW me/36, WH him/35
Married 4, together 7
Dday 4/10/09
PA 1/1/08 to 5/1/08 (5 rendezvous)
No Kids - had been trying 1/1/08 - 4/9/09
OC 01/09/DNA despite H's male factor infertility (guess she got the one miracle sperm)
R'ing

Posts: 136 | Registered: May 2009
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, June 9th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nikkiflower, I think alot of the issues you need to address are in the Handbook that I just posted above. My biggest piece of advice, have a plan, be proactive rather than reactive. Go file CS for your child immediately, it will take at least 6-8 weeks for DNA to come back, that way if OC is his, your child will not be second. Since you are not married, if I read your situation right, this should not be difficult to do, and if he has a problem with it telling him your are protecting your dd. Once the DNA comes back, if the OC is his and you choose to have contact, it must be as a united front, no secret phone calls or meetings. I actually picked up the OC for visits so that OW would not see or talk to my h, but she tried every chance she got. You must decide what you can live with and stick to it, if a boundary is put in place, have a consequence if it is broken and stick by it. Please feel free to PM anytime if you have additional questions.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, June 10th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Nikki)))

Sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us. My FWH went to Dr appts, but did not do nursery stuff. FWH was completely tranparent and shared all C information with me, no double life.

Visitation is complicated with us, as you can see from my profile, OW and BIL are married and live about 100 yrds from us. FWH picks OC up, but BIL and her C are there, he brings OC to our house. All C is OC related, FWH stays out of OW and BIL's M and we keep them out of ours. Custody agreement and visitation are from TX so OC cannot have overnights until he is 3. He will be 6 mos the 15th and FWH and I can take him off the property for 2 hrs. That is what is planned for father's day. Hope this helps.

Sometimes it is all so frustrating. It feels like FWH does things just to not make me mad instead of because it's the right thing to do. BIL said that FWH could go 4 wheeler riding (instead of BIL) and FWH said something to the effect of "you got an extra room I can stay in if I do?" It's like I'm his mother or something? Do you guys run into this too? Is it just all men. Wouldn't it just be easier and make more of a point to say, it's not appropriate because of the A, or even I don't want to.
BIL rags FWH about being whipped and under the thumb, FWH says that their opinion does not matter, but shouldn't FWH present himself as a committed H, not some kid who's grounded?


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
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