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User Topic: OC Support Thread (BS Only)-New Thread
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, April 22nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been lurking again. Here's my short version. I just wish I knew what to do.

I was 8 months pregnant with my first and only DD1 when he likely impregnated a 25-year-old Ethiopian immigrant nursing student. He kept it secret for a year, until the baby was two months old, and the OW found me on facebook and sent me a message. DDay was in the middle of a blizzard 18 Dec. She took the baby back to Ethiopia before paternity was established, left it there and is now back without the baby. My WS is doing everything possible to make things right, but I'm just not sure there's any way I can deal with this OC and woman for the rest of my life. Our babies are less than 8 months apart. She looks like a black and white mixed version of my DD. The pictures slay me. We are separated but talking a lot. I'm now declaring bankruptcy, giving my house back via foreclosure and starting over. By the way, I failed to mention that I was supporting WS completely for 1+years while he was "starting his own business" when he cheated. Also an EA less than one year into our marriage. PA with a different OW less than three. I'm definitely done taking care of him. Now I have to decide if he's capable of taking care of me, my child, his family and professional life, and potentially the situation with this OC. I may just have to move on, and let my DD have a wonderful father divorced from her mother. Otherwise I fear I will be the mean wife/mom who nags and is sad, instead of the light-hearted, smiling, peaceful person that I am known for being. Four months later and the triggers from this women returning from Africa are undoing all progress I'd made in my heart. Now I'm back to just taking care of me, and feeling numb and strong and way too serious. just existing again, one day and breath at a time. i don't want to do this for the next 30 years.

[This message edited by stretch13 at 7:17 AM, April 22nd (Thursday)]


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 22nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((stretch13))))

Take care of you. The A is hard enough, your H keeping OC a secret just makes it harder I imagine. The lying was the hardest part to come to terms with, for me. I kept thinking "if there was no OC, would he have EVER told me?" FWH says he would have, he was eaten up by guilt and would've told me, but who really knows.

I worry sometimes about our DD being angry when she grows up, angry at FWH, at me for staying, at the whole family for accepting OW. I guess that's nothing I can control and worrying about it just hurts me. All we can do is just what is best for ourselves and try to be the best mothers we can.

OW and BIL are not eloping I guess so they can show off their "great love". They are moving the wedding up because FWH's uncle is dying and may not live until Aug.

FWH told uncle, aunt and his cousin about A and OC and said BIL is marrying OW. He also stressed it was his mistake and that we were trying to work things out. Uncle griped out FWH big time, said he "thinks the world" of me and said he needed to "straighten stuff out".


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, April 22nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you, altered. i'm desperate and having one of those falling apart kind of days. i don't think he would have told me if there was no OC...as it is, she is the one who told me. he's just too much of a chicken$&*t, afraid of losing me and of my temper.

it's funny - i worry that if i leave my WS, my daughter will be angry with me for not forgiving her sweet, bumbling father. but i don't want her to think i'm mean if/when i snap at him, or as we work through problems, or OW creates drama later and i get mad.

i don't know how you are dealing with the BIL/OW thing. this is all just so much. i was doing so much better (denial) when she was out of the country. now the reality that my dd may have a half sister is hitting me all over again... that i probably won't ever give her a real sibling now, but she already has one.

i mean, i imagine having both of them out somewhere and the questions. they are two different colors but aged almost like twins. too much too much.

i can't help but think this would be less painful if i could just move on and deal with that kind of pain instead. at least it has the hope of ending, of being replaced by a sane relationship someday. i feel like staying is just accepting a rollercoaster of days like this until i die. even if most or a lot of them are good, i'm not sure it's worth these days and worse. it's all just starting for us.

i'm all over the map today. thinking too far ahead. crying every other hour, which i never do. thank you all for being here.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, April 22nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like the cat could be out of the bag soon here. We had decided shortly after d-day that we would keep the A/OC quiet and not share with our families. We felt that the decision to R should be ours and not have influence from our families, friends, or strangers.

But, my H is going to apply for a new job - my brother would be his manager. He is having a hard time getting is 40 hours right now at work and it has been that way since last July. It is killing our budget/debt reduction plan. My dad mentioned that my brother will have an opening soon and is looking for another employee and my dad passed it on to my H. But if he is hired, H will have to notify CS office to have his payment w/h (only option in our state if CS is court ordered). I'm not sure if my brother will actually handle that as there is an HR dept - brother manages a division on the company.

But the money is better because while it is a lower wage, they get nearly 20 hours of OT every week. Plus insurance is completely covered for the family. I do have to make sure that my pregnancy will be covered, but it should since we would be going straight from one group plan to another.

So I'm a bit nervous about the whole situation. H said if it gets out then he is ready to just deal with it. I'm just not 100% sure that I am, ya know.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
SurvivingInCA
♀ Member
Member # 23898
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 22nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want2Bok - because there is a HR department things should be able to stay confidential. It is my understanding that HR has a legal responsibility to keep employee info such as CS confidential.

That said I understand your fears - it is a little close for comfort.

Like you FWH and I have decided not to tell our families - though I think/worry that someday they will probably find out. If we manage to have children in the future I feel that I will have to tell them the truth - that they have a sibling out in the world somewhere - and how can I tell them the truth and then ask them to keep it a secret from the rest of the family. I am not sure how all this will play out in 18 years but it is something that I think/worry about fairly often. I basically feel like I will have another d-day in 18 years.


BW me/36, WH him/35
Married 4, together 7
Dday 4/10/09
PA 1/1/08 to 5/1/08 (5 rendezvous)
No Kids - had been trying 1/1/08 - 4/9/09
OC 01/09/DNA despite H's male factor infertility (guess she got the one miracle sperm)
R'ing

Posts: 136 | Registered: May 2009
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, April 22nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stetch13, welcome, and I am very sorry for your situation. You will get a lot of great advice here, we are all in very different situations, with one awful common thread- OC.

Want2bok- we are also not telling family right now... well, MY family, OW made sure to contact as much of H's family via myspace and FB post Dday (effing bitch). We were at my H's work Christmas party, and someone asked him if our DD daughter was his first, and he says "Yes" right in front of the woman who handles all the CS garnishments. I wanted to crawl into a hole, I bet she was thinking "What a POS". Oh well, I guess it's better than answering "No, I had an affair and knocked the whore up, so I have another daughter barely a year older than this daughter".

Sorry, I am having a rough day. Our DD is turning 1 so I just quit breastfeeding, my hormones and emotions are ALL OVER THE PLACE, and my H just found out his work scheduled him to be in another state for the entire week before Mother's Day, so he will be missing it AND OUR DD's 1ST BIRTHDAY. Bad day.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1954 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, April 22nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wh asked how adamant I am about him getting a lawyer. I said very. He said I want him to have a lawyer because I have hope of isn't his. NO dumbass!!! The lawyer is for YOUR protection. Idiot. I'm so upset.

He doesn't want to as it embarrasses him and would drag him through the mud. Like I care!? I didn't do this. Why can't he face what he's done!? He just wants to skate by. I can't let the lawyer go. Ow needs to know he won't be bullied. The lawyer would at least help that.

Anyway....I think I'm headed towards. D. I'm miserable. I've done all I could. Gave all I had and the greatest gift.....it wasn't enough.


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, April 22nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Finesse, I am so sorry. Your H is being a royal coward. As though there is something wrong with having SOME hope the baby isn't his?

He should WANT a lawyer. These women are capable of ruining the men financially.

((((Finesse))))


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1954 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, April 23rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Surviving - you are right, it should stay confidential, but I don't have a whole lot of faith that it will. We live in a very small town and this will make for good gossip. Unfortunately, that is just how it is here. I know that we'll have to tell our COM at some point, they are just not at the right age IMO. I'm like you in that I'm afraid this all coming out will be like another d-day. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I just want to be happy and I am now.

Want2help - OW threatened to contact H's mom, but for some reason she didn't. H told her that if she didn't, he would have absolutely nothing to do with OC ever. I'm not sure that it is true, but it was enough for her to keep her mouth shut. I'm sorry your H will be gone for your DD's b-day. My H was traveling right after d-day and it was SO hard.

Finesse - I'm sorry that your H is being stubborn. Yes a lawyer would be in HIS best interest, but my H has a hard time with it too. I'm sorry that it has come to this for you, but you have to do what is best for you and your COM.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
tryinagain2010
♀ New Member
Member # 27469
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, April 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok I need major help!!! H is in total self loathing called me bawling his eyes out from work saying he can't do this anymore that the guilt is eating him up. We talked alot I think he is ready to throw in towel because he can't handle how he is feeling. On top of it he called OW today to talk about OC which he didn't tell me about until I found out later. Again because of the guilt because he hasn't ever seen her. I was very clear about NC we had things in place but he said that he feels so guilty and that I was trying to control the situation and that NC is impossible with an infant. Am I asking too much with the NC since OC is involved. I feel like everything is slipping away and I don't know what to do. He is in a total depression and because of this he is saying that he can't do it because he has ruined everyones life and we will all be better if he just leaves. But it is not what I want but I feel like he has already made his choice. What can I do I am hoping I can talk him into waiting a month to see if he can get on medication and we can ride out this dip in the rollercoaster but I don't know if he wants too. Help I am dying here I don't know what to do or say to make him realize we are worth fighting for. He begged me said we were worth fighting for and he realized this is what he wanted. I have been crying for hours now this after we just went on a little trip and had a great time. Now he is telling me we have nothing in common and that we won't have anything once the kids are gone. I don't know what to do.


FWH 35(him)
BS 37 (me)
Married almost 9 years
Together 11
DDay 1 12/31/2007
DDay2 1/12/2010 OW called to tell there is OC born Oct. 2009
Trying to Reconcile but it is a slow process.

Posts: 50 | Registered: Feb 2010
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, April 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support.

H came over that night (we're kinda of separated?) and we talked about our m and oc.

We do not have com. :(. We were trying last Jan up until the A.

This is the first grandson. :(

Anyway, I told him that I ha given up many things because I wanted to be with him. But I would not let the lawyer and paternity go. I said I know what that could mean for us and I have accepted that, but I could not live with myself if I stayed without a lawyer and paternity. I explained again how it isn't for me, but to protect him and to show ow he means business and will not be walked over. He said okay and what else do I need.

He actually started the conversation by apologizing for getting angry that morning about it all. I told him it was okay that I understood that he wasn't angry at me but at the choices he ha made. It didn't hurt any less, but I understood.

Then we talk about having our own kids, how to handle ow (kind of, blech) and us in general, ie moving home. I asked him how he is going to help me feel safe in our m. He said he guessed he'd do the things he's always done. I stared at him....then he says, maybe that won't be enough. Lol duh!!

Anyway, he came upstairs to bed on his own. Grabs me and pulls me into him. The first time since before the A. Morning, same thing. I wa crying, and he came to me and asked what he could do, rubbed my back and all. Nice, but I'm not holding my breath.

I have a question....how many actually make it through this!? My ic thought we could if H tried....I just don't know.

I had a panic attack this mornin lg with mind movies of them sleeping together and of H holding oc. I don't know if I can do this. I thought I could. I wanted to. But now it's four weeks away and I am dying!! Ugh. I love h. I do, but this is crazy!

Perhaps it's a dip....I just don't know anymore.

I also have a trip right after oc is born. H isn't going, how do I deal with that?!!

I'm scared, guys.


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, April 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((trying)) Has your H tried IC or MC? Or if not, does he have someone objective to talk to about his feelings seperate from you? My H went thru this self-loathing and felt that he was not worthy of keeping me. It helped for him to have an outlet other than me to talk about how he felt. The only thing I could do was support him and tell him that our family was worth fighting for. It took sometime, as you probably read we had a fight just last week so it is a continous process, but I had to learn the only thing we can do is control ourselves. Again the boundary must be put down, he should not be talking to OW without your knowledge this underminds your marriage. You have to decide what you can live with. Hugs to you.

((Finesse)), you are right to not back down on the lawyer and the DNA, it is very important. Feel free to share my story about how my H took care of 2 OC that turned out not to be his for 4 years! Or even look back at our older threads of some of the members who have so much CS taken away from their families because of OC, they barely can eat every month. There is a chance that OC is not his, and you should know what you are dealing with. One of the hardest things is awaiting the birth of OC, but other members have survived it, and you can too. Again I say you have to determine what you can live with. You can't stay in limbo awaiting for his feelings to go up and down, and believe I know what it is like. I had to get to a point of indifference, I can live without him. Don't get me wrong I love my H and I want my marriage, but I will not die if he walks out the door. 3 years ago that was not the case I fell to pieces. When trying to R you can't get back what you had because that is tainted, you have to rebuild a new relationship and a lot of it depends on the attitude of the WS. A lot of us do ourselves a disservice by reacting to everything our WS does or doesn't do, you will drive yourself crazy living that way. Before you go on your trip, tell him what your expectations are concerning the OC, if he breaks them, then you must decide if you can live with that. Hugs to you.

((Stretch)) welcome to our group. I am so sorry that you are going thru this. It does seem to me that you have given this some thought and deciding to not take care of him and clean up his messes is a good start. We lose so much in this situation, not just our families sometimes. This will be a roller coaster no matter which way you go and I wish you luck in your decision.

We all have accepted so much in this situation,all I can say is don't sacrifice your dignity, or your own self-worth by letting OW/OC continue to control your relationship. I say that with all sincerity.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:47 AM, April 24th (Saturday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
tryinagain2010
♀ New Member
Member # 27469
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, April 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC what kind of boundaries are realistic with an OC that lives out of state and is an infant. He now is saying that I was dictating the relationship he would have with OC but I was just setting boundaries for dealing with OW but because OC is so young me saying NC with OW in his eyes is dictating the relationship. He has already undermeined the relationship because he feels so guilty for abandoning baby for first few months he now is talking to her about OC but this just happenened yesterday and he is out of town for work and won't be home til later today so we haven't had a chance to sit down and really talk but he said we will talk later. I did tell him that he can have us and OC or he can have OW and OC but he can't have friendship with OW and be married to me. I just want to set realistic boundaries that we both can live with. BTW he is in IC but not conecting with him and I am hoping my IC will start seeing us again for MC. I don't know it might be too late he says he hasn't decided if he is leaving but I think he has decided and that he will leave because then he doesn't have to face me and our kids everyday and feel guilty I hope I am wrong I guess time will tell. I am so frustrated because I wanted to walk but I said I would try because he said he wanted us to work this whole time it has been we are making new memories we will get through this now I feel like I did when we seperated the first time before I even knew about A I was devastated. Well guess I need to try to get through the day


FWH 35(him)
BS 37 (me)
Married almost 9 years
Together 11
DDay 1 12/31/2007
DDay2 1/12/2010 OW called to tell there is OC born Oct. 2009
Trying to Reconcile but it is a slow process.

Posts: 50 | Registered: Feb 2010
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, April 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trying, this situation is so new he might change his mind several times in the next couple of years. The biggest thing is keeping the lines of communication open. No secret communication with OW. Include you in the communication if you can handle it. Letting you know that he is speaking to the OW before he does. Yes sit down and really talk, tell him how you feel, listen to how he feels. Yes it is easier for him to run away from the pain that he has caused, but if he really wants his family, he will face it and let you help him heal. Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Your family should come first. If he can't or won't put your family first, then you have to decide if this relationship is working for you. I am so sorry that you are struggling with this. It is sad when other people's choices affected our lives.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
tryinagain2010
♀ New Member
Member # 27469
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, April 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you I guess we will see what happens today but she has been calling him all day since he took the block off her number to his cell phone. It doesn't look good for us right now. I won't have it this way I can't handle it and he is not putting our family first. I think that I will be OK with him telling me he is contacting her but it bothers me that she is now contacting him again and I know that it is because he is upset so she is checking on him. He tries to tell me she isn't trying to get him back because she has a boyfriend ya right. I am rambling because I am so frustrated and feel like he has all the control right now.


FWH 35(him)
BS 37 (me)
Married almost 9 years
Together 11
DDay 1 12/31/2007
DDay2 1/12/2010 OW called to tell there is OC born Oct. 2009
Trying to Reconcile but it is a slow process.

Posts: 50 | Registered: Feb 2010
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, April 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC- I don't really know if I know the attitude of WH. I asked him today if he was moving home, he said he'd have to. I said no you don't. Ugh. He can't even tell me he wants to be with me. I asked him today (it's been a rough day, I'll get to that) and he said not if you can't handle things. WTF!? If I can't handle things!? I am having a rough time cause oc is coming. UGH! I am beginning to have panic attacks, and mind movies, and the whole nine yards. I thought I was doing better. Guess not. I just want HIM to step up and do what is neccessary without my reminders.

I wouldn't have said or asked anything today, but....

WH calls and tells me he is heading out for his oldest friends bachelor party (he doesn't drink or like strippers)...they are going to a game tomorrow and he let me know earlier that he may go up tonight. Anyway, so he tells me right away. Then he says, "I have some news I don't want to tell you." So of course I am thinking the WORST! OW is in labor, ow is demanding stuff, WH talked to ow, whatever! He tells me that his sister is three months pregnant.

I don't know why but I lost it. I was in a store and had to leave. F!! I feel like once things kind of go my way they just all apart. I know it shouldn't matter that she's pregnant. EVERYONE is freaking pregnant! But it was my turn. WH and I were trying last January.....then the A happens. Then OW is expecting. Then I miscarry....now WH wants to wait even longer for us to have kids....I have been waiting for three years!!! (we've been together 8) SIL thought she couldn't get pregnant, so this is good, but she convinced WH to HAVE THE A. Well, duh, cause she cheats on EVERYONE SHE'S EVER BEEN WITH! She isn't married (of course! Everyone who is pregnant in my life isn't) and she's only known the father for 6 months. I am dying here.


It just isn't fair.

I know that it shouldn't bothe me. BUT IT DOES! IT FREAKING DOES!

Why is it that a whore (sorry mods!) can get my H's baby, I loose mine, and now someone who can't get pregnant is!? And I have to live with OC, OW, no family, and a freaking A?!?!?!?!

WHAT THE HELL WORLD!??!

Seriously, I cannot catch a break.


I don't know what to do. H was mad because I got upset. What did he expect? He tells me this news and then goes off for guys weekend? I have to suffer alone AGAIN! Whatever.

I don't know if I can do this anymore. I just want to walk away or give up, or end everything.

Am I being crazy?!

I feel like it.

I hate this.


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, April 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Finesse)) I am so sorry that you are in such pain, I wish I was closer to you to help. His indifference to your sadness speaks volumes to me. Have you tried IC or a support group? I think with all of the issues that are coming at you, you could use some extra support. I don't know why things happen. Maybe there is a reason, seriously think about this, would having your own child fix your H? He just doesn't seem to be committed to making the changes that you need. I don't know how you feel about the child issue, but I did see my SIL go thru it for 8 years, and I know it was devistating.

And no you are not crazy, you have every right to feel the hurt that you feel. Him not understanding that hurt is a problem. It took me a while to learn don't think everything is good in someone's life because you never no what goes on behind closed doors. You can't make your H change, or do anything. All you can do is control you. I am so sorry.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, April 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC...he does care that I am hurting....it hurts him...he said he was sorry and such, but there seems to always be a boiling point to him, you know!? I think it's his guilt. He did this to me and us. But he did have a point about SIL. He told me the moment he knew, and he had nothing to do with this. He was calm when I was hysterical, and was kind...until the "if you can't handle things" part. He knows I have been handling things; he knows that the birth of oc is weighing on me. I think what he means (and my IC agrees) is that he's afraid that I won't be able to handle oc and leave him. Thus the distance. It's shitty and awful, but I do understand. I have had the same distance with WH for a couple of weeks. I am afraid that what he has been doing is lip service, so to speak. I am not trying to make H look great, but he has come along way. He hasn't blameshifted, or yelled, or put his A on me. He actually listens and wants to know why I am crying and what he can do. I think him hearing about SIL struck a cord with him as well.

No, I don't think our own child would fix H. I know that. I know it wouldn't fix us. It just pains me that he's having the first child with someone else. We don't have any com. So that makes it worse.


Thanks for helping BMC. It helps alot. Truly.


Now a question....

I told WH that I would like US to meet with OW to discuss our situation and how WE want to handle it. As much as I would like HIM to set this up, I am afraid he won't. Would it be awful if I emailed ow? I know it will cause her to contact WH. And he may get pissed....should I talk to WH about it first?!

Thoughts?


Thank you again. You guys savae me in so many ways.


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, April 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((finesse)) United front for both of you. I contacted OW without my H and all it did was caused her to contact him more to tell him how I was harrassing her, then him and I would fight for days about how he was protecting the OW. Soon it became about me against my H and OW instead of him and me dealing with her. IMO, I would discuss it with him.

I know about the guilt, it was eating my H alive and sometimes it still does, but you can't move forward in your marriage unless he can address that. They say it takes what 4-5 years to really R from infidelity, and it is so true but it takes a lot of hard work from both sides.

My H has a child from before and that did bother me when we first got married, but we had our own daughter and it didn't both me so much. But when I found out about the OC, those feelings came back again because I thought OW had same number of children with my H as I did. And it really hurt me, I was relieved when it was discovered that the twins were not his. But then, I had other feelings about how my kids were denied love and attention and money for some children that did not even belong to him. This is a little different then your situation, but I understand your feelings.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, April 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks BMC for your understanding. Sometimes I feel like no one gets it. They don't. How could they?!

That's what I thought would happen if I contacted OW. I thought OW would use it against me and pin H and I against each other. I guess I wanted to be sure?! I'm just afraid that he won't do it when it is so desperately needed. Just like the lawyer. I don't want to keep asking him to do these things. I wish he would just to it because it's important to me and to our M, if we ae going to have one.

I just don't know anymore. I am falling apart lately.


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
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