Hugs to everyone - been kind of busy around here lately.
I get along with her on the phone/IM as much as I need to. She tried being friends but I think she finally got the picture. I have gone to her house twice on my own to drop off gifts. It wasn't horrible, but I know that we will never be friends. She really wants pictures of our COM so she can compare them to OC. Fortunately they look NOTHING alike. If it wasn't for the DNA test, I would seriously question paternity.
Basically, things were okay for us.
I did have some horrible triggers.
We are doing massive spring cleaning because Heat/Air company is coming back out to estimate a whole new system & we've been waiting on taxes (which we just got the refund).
I used to be organized. Had an accordian folder per year. So, I started cleaning out those >7 yrs old. Wouldn't you know it? The folder with OC's DNA test payment, folder with OCs original birth certificate w/out fWH's name on it & OC's original last name (last name of OW's xBH#1 because OW kept her xH's name after D). Then, 2000 records! Yuck. It was so obvious....I was so blind. fWH's cell records. fWH's work pay stubs (within a 2m period, fWH took 24 call-in PTO days & 8 more hours of non-scheduled PTO)....fWH never took time off to be w/us, so those weeks must've involved 1 or 2 motel escapades....and, these were all around the time OW got pregnant. These are my proof...besides OC, that it was more than ONS (which he'd originally claimed about A#2). Then, what hurt me the most was, that when DS13 broke his collar bone, fWH knew about OC's conception. I have medical EOBs stating when DS was hurt. I have cell records. fWH called OW many-many times. AND, I remember that weekend, fWH told me about OC's impending birth & the lies about ONS (being seduced & OW attempting to get pregnant w/out his knowledge). THEN, I see from cell records, that fWH called OW for 70 minutes, probably the day or next day after he told me. I remember everything all blowing up...that I called & told OW to take him, his clothes were packed...that she called him @work & told him what I'd said. That I'd called my mom over & told her about A#1 & A#2. So, wonder if he called OW before or after he told me about OC???? I remember it clearly "Repeat, we need to talk." Then, it was a blur. I wasn't sure what was going on...then he told me lies about how it happened & that he'd been NC after the ONS...that he'd made a mistake. Lies, lies, lies, intricate lies. I didn't believe OW months later, when she said "we'd been trying for a while."
Those stupid bills & receipts, brought back the pain.
And, when I found receipt for our computer. I remember me, fWH, DS13, & DS10 going to BestBuy for hours. Me carrying DS10 in the snuggie on my chest (5 months old). Thinking how we were a family. That memory is now tainted. fWH took DS13 to car, because he was restless while I waited on credit approval for expensive PC. Was he in-car, calling OW? I was thinking "he's best husband ever, waiting around here w/2 kids in-tow." HE had just conceived OC w/OW within 1-2 weeks of that date & they probably didn't even know she was pregnant yet! How my past has been rewritten, by seeing the numbers in cold dark ink.
Okay, should I toss/burn the records of EA/PA#2...should I give up the cell bills?
How could he just up & conceive OC w/OW (on purpose), when I had my cute little snuggle-buddy & our sweet 3-yr-old? I really thought DS10, was the miracle that proved his love for me...that R was good...that since OW had stopped calling, he was 100% with me. Do you guys understand? I gave DS10, as proof that I wanted R...that I wanted ALL my COM to be fWH's (since I got tubes tied afterwards). Why didn't I just insist that fWH get vasectomy? I am kicking myself for not insisting it!!!
I'm okay, it's just these triggers sometimes slam into me, like I'm hitting a brick wall. I mentioned what I'd found to fWH...he lied & said "I never took off time to be w/fWH after you had DS10!" He's already told me b4, that they went to motels, if not humping @work parking lot. He forgets his recent confessions & continues lies he'd sworn himself to. I will never know everything. And, that kills me inside.
Do you guys ever start thinking "why do I even go on? What am I gaining by living in this world?" I never admitted it to IC years ago (because she asked), but my DSs were the only thing keeping me from committing suicide. My family could make it w/out me, I know that. My fear of hell, is probably the only thing keeping me from it somedays. I just have to keep praying that GOD take my anger & deal with it for me and that GOD give OW what she deserves, as he's already dished out tuff-love to fWH (with his accident, paraplegia, neverending pain).
You guys are so helpful. Nobody else wants to hear about my struggles anymore...like I should just brush off EA/PA#3, that EA/PA#1 was nothing, & EA/PA#2/OC are in-the-past & it's wonderful to have "God's blessing" of OC in our lives. I don't see her as a blessing usually. I know that's wrong...but, it's just my gut feeling.
P.S. OC forgot her cell in OW's purse again (is OW using OC's cell to break NC or having another A w/someone else?) It was so nice to feel like OW wasn't constantly spying on us, through OC's texts, pics, & calls.
I can only pray, that fWH has finally learned who OW once & for all. And, that he doesn't like what she truly is, once the fog has lifted & smoke/mirrors have gone. The rose-colored glasses, are hopefully @bottom of the river also.
Things were so much better about OW, before that stupid EA/PA#3.
How do you live 2 separate lives & pretend w/two separate women, that they're all-important? How do these guys do it? BMC, your fWH had a 2nd family....did he ever say how he managed it? How he lived w/the lies & pretended @2 homes? I just don't understand how fWH didn't just keep the lies going? Why did he tell me? Did he hope I'd file for D & make me the "bad guy?" He claims "I never wanted to D you & I always loved you." He also claims to love 2 women @once.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 8:00 AM, April 19th (Monday)]
I really think my H has the ability to compartmentalize things easily. I think he truly kept his time with her separate with his life with COM and me. Early on after D-day, I asked how he could be with her and not feel guilty and think about his family. He said that at the beginning of the A, he only thought of himself. He could wrap us up in a neat little sack and put us in the back of his mind. The guilt came later when he started to come out of the fog and was trying to get out of the A with as little damage to me, COM and our M.
There have been times when I wanted to go back into our cells records and bank records, but I couldn't because we don't have the same provider and I tossed our bank statement already. But then I'm glad because I don't want to live that awful year+ over again. I have a hard enough time when I look at my COM's scrapbooks that I have lovingly made and see pictures of what I thought was a happy family. It hurts so bad. The only time that I know of that she spent the night in MY bed is when I was at a weekend scrapbooking retreat. It was supposed to be my birthday gift that year. He was working that weekend so I drove my kids and extra hour to stay with my parents for the weekend. It was the first time that I had gone, and I grossly underestimated how much I would get done. I ran out of pictures on Saturday afternoon. So I called DH (I couldn't get him on the house phone - he said he was watering the yard), and he said he'd meet me 1/2 way (about 45 minutes) with the rest of the pictures. I wish SO much that I wouldn't have called. I wish I would've just drived home and gotten them myself. This was only 1 month or so into the A, and I have always thought that maybe me coming home that night might have put a halt on the whole thing. Mabye I would've caught them or just been close enough to scare the crap out of him. Who knows. OC wasn't conceived for 6 more months.
This weekend we were cleaning out our storage room to turn it into an office for me, and I pulled out our wedding pics and my bouquet. It just made me so sad. We were SOO happy then - what happened to get us to the point of him having an A? He still needs to work on what to do when I'm having a trigger moment. He prefers just to ignore, but I need him to give me a hug. I don't need apologies - I've heard it enough honestly. Just a hug would give me what I need. I guess I need to remind him again. He just feels like I'm going to beat him up about it, and ignoring it makes the guilt easier for him. Unfortunately for him, he caused the mess so my feelings come first at a time like that.
As far as keeping 2 families, my H said when he was with us he was and when he was with them he was. As time went on it seemed natural to him. Then he became more concerned about losing us and our family that he hid them more.
We made some significant progress this weekend. He let me know that he has not forgotten what I did for him. He told me that there is not another woman on this earth that would have done this for him, that I saved him and he can't begin to thank me enough. Sometimes I just need him to remember that. We talked about our kids and the grandbaby, and I feel that we have come to an understanding. It is so hard when you have to rebuild something, there jsut seems to always be this little crack somewhere in the foundation that wasn't there before.
Repeat, I understand how you feel about OC, I feel that way sometimes too, and then I feel guilty for feeling that way. In the back of my mind, he should not exist, and it is hard for me to turn that off. I was trying to explain this to his new therapist. I told her right or wrong, he is a constant reminder of a wrong that was done to me. Now crazy as it sounds I don't feel that way about the twins because they are not my H's, but if they were, I would probably feel the same way. Hugs to us all.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 10:27 AM, April 19th (Monday)]
He said "If I'd have known the stuff would upset you, I'd have just said burn it all." I just feel like I need to hold onto the proof...like I'm not crazy, he really was doing something wrong...here it is in black & white, but I was too busy w/newborn to notice any of it.
We did have a little nice time b4 records & stuff yesterday (triggers were later in evening). fWH felt well & he took turns driving the kids in go kart we got them for Christmas. He let DS13 drive by himself. DS10 was really upset because his 2nd turn, he really wanted to drive....he's really short for 10. So, after much pouting, fWH gave in. We have portable hand controls on the kart so fWH can drive. DS10 isn't strong enough or coordinated enough to use them. He asked fWH to do the gas & he'd drive. Both DS13 & DS10 scared fWH with the driving. Good thing it'll be a few years b4 they drive cars! I will maybe post a photo if I get around to downloading them sometime.
Thanks guys. That stupid EA/PA#3 just really kicked me back into reality & my life wasn't what I thought it was. I'm so afraid to give in...to give fWH ALL of me....I think I would die, if he went back to OW again. All the lying....I just don't see how people do it w/a straight face. I guess, practice makes perfect. The more familiar he is w/OW, the easier the additional 2x affairs were. 10 years...10 DAMN years....of OW being involved w/our lives, before he finally let her go for good (I hope). He kept stringing her along probably, unconsciously flirting...making her feel a glimmer of hope.
fWH said last night, that he's worried about OC. That he's scared since OW wanted OC on birth control @14, that even though she's supposedly a born-again Christian, that she'll still sneak & take OC to get BC pills. fWH's worried, that OC will be as sexually active as both he & OW were at that age. Both of them had lost virginity by 14. fWH really has no control over what choices OC makes...what parent can control their teens? Anyway...he just had this realization, that OC is growing up....she's almost 5ft tall @9yrs (just turned 9 in Jan) & weighs >110 lbs. He's thinking, with her size, that she'll hit puberty soon...and OW & other women in family are big-chested....he's worried grown men will try to mess w/OC.
You know, that's one of the downfalls of sharing a child w/OW, you don't know what morals & rules she is enforcing @other home. If someone's in-home, you can at least enforce curfews, check cells, monitor texts, check e-mails, get to know their friends/boyfriends. I guess, OW wasn't the type of person he wanted raising his daughter. I guess he should have thought about that, before OW conceived.
I knew OC was fWH's immediately when I saw the newborn photo. Could've been DS10's twin...their newborn photos look like same baby (just one in pink & one in blue). For a long time, until OC hit a growth spurt & outgrew DS10 (and also lost her blue eyes), people would see us out & think the "babies" were twins. In your mind, the DNA is just a formality. I kept hoping, fWH acted like he wondered (but he knew all along they were "trying" to get her pregnant for a "while" per OW).
It angered me that fWH would get depressed. He put all this on us. Our M was rocky @best during A#1, I was in la-la land w/newborn when he was in midst of A#2 & conceiving OC, and who the heck knows what was going on during A#3 (I was just trying to survive life, with 2 ADHD kids, OC to basically raise for OW/fWH, and a paraplegic husband who I felt like took advantage of me-began feeling like a nurse instead of a sexy desirable wife). I do get angry, that he should be entitled to his guilt & self-loathing over EA/PA#3...because I don't have the luxury of giving up...because I must "fake it until I make it." If he hadn't been so weepy, apologetic, having panic attacks, begging me to stay, professing his undying love for me on D-day & thereafter...he'd have never gotten the chance he is receiving now. He almost lost it all for "real" this time. I am not good at comforting him...over things he brought on himself. I cannot seem to pity him over it.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 8:23 AM, April 20th (Tuesday)]
What a crazy life we lead...
I don't have real news other than I am struggling.....oc's birth is getting closer and I know (insert profanity here) will get our of her mind crazy. I am constantly reminded that I miscarried a couple weeks after I found out there would be an oc. It isn't fair and I am still upset about it. She thought she had it all....I think she still believes she can. Then why is H with me? Sure, we are struggling, but he sure as hell doesn't want her! He resents her, wishes oc didn't exsist, the whole nine yards. But that doesn't help his guilt and (insert more profanity here) knows it.
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
I guess between her disability (if she wasn't lying about it) and OC+toddler sis's $$$, she's able to afford it. They just lost 2 vehicles last year due to repossession & fWH believes they filed some form of bankruptcy a while back on her credit card debt. Seems odd, huh? Their finances have really turned around. What if something horrible happened to fWH or disability decided to deny him when he's reviewed in a few years again? Without OC's $$$ in their household, what would happen? Or, what if OC got sick of OW when she reached 12 and told fWH that she wanted to live w/us full-time (then fWH would be her payee again & OW would owe him CS). Anyway...how they manage their & OC's $$$ is their business. Maybe I should've been OC's payee...then given OW allowance for clothing etc. for OC @her home & gone ahead & paid everything @school...we already pay most her healthcare (all her dental/vision expenses), since OW is too lazy to usually take OC to Dr.
Anyway. We were doing the massive spring cleaning & I read the booklet that comes with being a payee for OC or DS13/DS10 on the soc. sec. benefits they get from fWH's disability. It says you can use OC's $$ for downpayment & monthly payments of house or vehicle (as long as it's in OC's name) & that you can buy furniture for household (even if whole house uses it) & home improvements to accessibility (flooring, ramps, etc). I think OW read the book...& is using some loopholes to get herself some nice stuff. What happens when they reevaluate her for disability in a few years (if she wasn't lying) or when they ask what happened to OC's $$$ @end-of-year. We have records of DSs $$$, does she do same for OC? I kinda doubt it.
Wish OW would go away....just leave OC w/us indefinately.
We had good night....trying not to trigger, as I go through rest of more-current papers for shred or file.
The last month before OW's due date, was the hardest for me....fearful that fWH would drop everything to run & be at birth. Thank GOD, she was mad @him and didn't call until home. I don't know how I could've handled it, if he'd gone and held her hand along w/her current BF (now BH#2). But, she lied to BH#2 about it being ONS also...so, that wouldn't have jived well with her story, if fWH was pawing all over her. I know she loves fWH, but she should have never gotten involved with mOM. And, she never should have M both BH#1 & BH#2, if she didn't love them enough....she told fWH she never loved BHs like she loved fWH. Why not just shack-up forever, if she had such doubts? Why give BH#2 a child, if she didn't want to raise it & be a "real" family w/BH#2?
fWH keeps saying "everybody thinks BH#2 is gay"....why in the heck have unprotected sex during A#3 w/OW, if her husband might be bi-sexual/gay? Did he want AIDs or another OC with her????? So stupid....I was so worried when she started gaining weight post-Dday#3, that she was carrying fWH's 4th child (well, maybe 5th if you count the one who he let that teen's new husband claim as his - when the H knew she was preg. when he started dating her but wanted to marry her anyway).
I discussed the 20-something child he "may" have. He said he was young & he just hoped that the child was taken car of. He doesn't even know if it was a girl or boy. I told him, that it was sad, that OC & DS13/DS10 never met their sibling. I think, that if we hid OC from COM, it would've been sad also. I have a half-brother & I love him no different...we were raised together & have always been there when sometimes our parents haven't. I thought OC & COM deserved to know each other & grow up having fWH as their wonderful father (he's crappy as husband when he's having As and foggy, but he's a really good dad).
My plan is to get a seriously hot outfit, look like a million bucks and be devoted wife/stepmom. I am not hiding from this crap. I did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. FWH, BIL and OW have lots to be ashamed of and that's their problem. FWH said the he is not denying OC, if people at reunion ask, he is telling the truth. BIL has told FWH before "you don't have to say OC is yours". BIL took OW and OC to meet FWH's favorite uncle and did not tell him that OC was FWH's. FWH asked point-blank twice if he told him and BIL said yeah. We visited uncle Sun and he was not told. FWH was ticked! FWH confronted BIL and OW at MIL's house and OW said "we thought uncle knew". All BIL said is OC is uncle's (great) nephew which anyone could assume mean OC is BIL's. BIL said aunt said "he knows" so they did not explain.
BIL knew going into relationship with OW that FWH was OC's dad, that OW had A. BIL would like nothing more than to re-write history. But there is no way FWH will ever give up OC. OC is the most positive thing to come out of A with OW.
Can't they just elope? That way, they only have to pay the county clerk for the license & marriage both....if they're in such a hurry. You know what it is, they're trying to make it seem like BIL & OW got married quickly after they had OC out-of-wedlock. I cannot see it working @all.
Did you guys wind up telling favorite uncle that OC isn't BIL's child...that OC is actually conceived during A w/OW?
They so want to rub your nose in her being around...too bad that BIL would be hurt, if you guys didn't attend. Talk BIL into quickie wedding instead of ruining reunion. I have a hard time being around SIL, because I found out some things went on btwn fWH & SIL (she's kinda another OW, but physical part only went so far)....I just want to stare holes in her @ILs family events (another good reason to avoid such IL stuff - plus it's hard to keep from blurting out that BIL is cheating on her @work and has been for some time, I think she's getting what she deserved in my opinion).
Burn some good holes in OW's head...throw tomatoes, if you must.
Go ahead & hold OC and get fWH to hold OC...then say, "Oh, you look so cute with your DADDY and sibling COM." Say it really loud! I know, games...might not want to stoop so low...but, it sometimes feels good to show OW that she didn't break you. I'm sure fWH or you will have to hold OC during wedding, since ILs will be way up-front.
But that doesn't ge rid of the fear...
I'm dying right now.
((Finesse)), I am so sorry that you are going thru this. One thing I have learned, you can only control what you do. I know it is hard. Put the boundaries down and stick to them, that is all you can do. If he is sincere, he will follow them. Hugs to you.