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User Topic: OC Support Thread (BS Only)-New Thread
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, April 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Surviving - you just said everything that I have wanted to say. I just couldn't find the right words to explain how I feel about things.

Hugs to everyone - been kind of busy around here lately.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
tryinagain2010
♀ New Member
Member # 27469
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, April 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Surviving that is EXACTLY how I feel thank you so much!! Sounds like we have very similar situations!! I know that she is doing all the things you said and that we need to present a united front which we have. She has already tried to be my friend ya right!!
I have kind of tried to take a step back in deciding what to do about contact with OC the only thing that I did tell him was to not sign his parental rights away completely because if he changes his mind later he might regret it. I do think that he is leaning toward limited contact. Even if he wanted to see her a lot they live out of state so wouldn't even be really possible anyway right now. If he does decide to have contact I will do the pick-ups and drop offs the first time I will probably want to puke because I have never seen her in person only pictures but I don't have to worry about that until October at the earliest. Do the OW ever get the picture and stop contacting FWH? Like I have said I know there has to be some contact but through me. Guess I have to remember that they don't always think straight obviously!! Thanks for all the support it is so nice to have people who truly understand the crappy situation we are in.


FWH 35(him)
BS 37 (me)
Married almost 9 years
Together 11
DDay 1 12/31/2007
DDay2 1/12/2010 OW called to tell there is OC born Oct. 2009
Trying to Reconcile but it is a slow process.

Posts: 50 | Registered: Feb 2010
Tibiria
♀ New Member
Member # 28220
Default  Posted: 2:41 AM, April 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to all of you.
I had a conversation with WBF's mother last night. WBF's parents do not know about A, OW, or OC that she is pregnant with. His mother wants WBF and I to have a child. They are "itching" to be grandparents. That was a HUGE trigger, cause all I could think about was how soon they would get their wish with OW.
Had a conversation with WBF about preparing his parents for the coming of OC. He agreed and promised to tell them within a couple of weeks. He said he is terrified of telling them, so I promised to be there with him.
I only hope they will Love me as much as they do now and not the OW for giving them the granchild that they are so eager to have.
UGGGHH.....FREAKING OUT!


BGF:34
WBF:28
Together:1yr 3mths
D-Day#1:10/?/09
D-Day#2:3/10/10
Same A
TT: 6 months and counting

Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: St. Louis, MO
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, April 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying - in our case OW spent about a year still trying to contact my H. About 2 weeks after d-day we went and got new cell phones (our contract was up and we had moved so it worked out perfectly). We only gave her my number so I knew that H couldn't talk to her unless I was present. I quit checking his phone for her or strange numbers after 6 months or so. At first she just didn't understand why we couldn't all just be friends. I was Um, cause you slept with my H. But she did eventually realize that taking out her anger and frustrations on us wasn't going to get her anywhere. We could always tell with then flavor-of-the-month dumped her because she would call/text several times a day.

I get along with her on the phone/IM as much as I need to. She tried being friends but I think she finally got the picture. I have gone to her house twice on my own to drop off gifts. It wasn't horrible, but I know that we will never be friends. She really wants pictures of our COM so she can compare them to OC. Fortunately they look NOTHING alike. If it wasn't for the DNA test, I would seriously question paternity.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Sad  Posted: 7:40 AM, April 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like everyone's been having a rough time lately.

(((HUG)))

Basically, things were okay for us.

I did have some horrible triggers.

We are doing massive spring cleaning because Heat/Air company is coming back out to estimate a whole new system & we've been waiting on taxes (which we just got the refund).

I used to be organized. Had an accordian folder per year. So, I started cleaning out those >7 yrs old. Wouldn't you know it? The folder with OC's DNA test payment, folder with OCs original birth certificate w/out fWH's name on it & OC's original last name (last name of OW's xBH#1 because OW kept her xH's name after D). Then, 2000 records! Yuck. It was so obvious....I was so blind. fWH's cell records. fWH's work pay stubs (within a 2m period, fWH took 24 call-in PTO days & 8 more hours of non-scheduled PTO)....fWH never took time off to be w/us, so those weeks must've involved 1 or 2 motel escapades....and, these were all around the time OW got pregnant. These are my proof...besides OC, that it was more than ONS (which he'd originally claimed about A#2). Then, what hurt me the most was, that when DS13 broke his collar bone, fWH knew about OC's conception. I have medical EOBs stating when DS was hurt. I have cell records. fWH called OW many-many times. AND, I remember that weekend, fWH told me about OC's impending birth & the lies about ONS (being seduced & OW attempting to get pregnant w/out his knowledge). THEN, I see from cell records, that fWH called OW for 70 minutes, probably the day or next day after he told me. I remember everything all blowing up...that I called & told OW to take him, his clothes were packed...that she called him @work & told him what I'd said. That I'd called my mom over & told her about A#1 & A#2. So, wonder if he called OW before or after he told me about OC???? I remember it clearly "Repeat, we need to talk." Then, it was a blur. I wasn't sure what was going on...then he told me lies about how it happened & that he'd been NC after the ONS...that he'd made a mistake. Lies, lies, lies, intricate lies. I didn't believe OW months later, when she said "we'd been trying for a while."

Those stupid bills & receipts, brought back the pain.

And, when I found receipt for our computer. I remember me, fWH, DS13, & DS10 going to BestBuy for hours. Me carrying DS10 in the snuggie on my chest (5 months old). Thinking how we were a family. That memory is now tainted. fWH took DS13 to car, because he was restless while I waited on credit approval for expensive PC. Was he in-car, calling OW? I was thinking "he's best husband ever, waiting around here w/2 kids in-tow." HE had just conceived OC w/OW within 1-2 weeks of that date & they probably didn't even know she was pregnant yet! How my past has been rewritten, by seeing the numbers in cold dark ink.

Okay, should I toss/burn the records of EA/PA#2...should I give up the cell bills?

How could he just up & conceive OC w/OW (on purpose), when I had my cute little snuggle-buddy & our sweet 3-yr-old? I really thought DS10, was the miracle that proved his love for me...that R was good...that since OW had stopped calling, he was 100% with me. Do you guys understand? I gave DS10, as proof that I wanted R...that I wanted ALL my COM to be fWH's (since I got tubes tied afterwards). Why didn't I just insist that fWH get vasectomy? I am kicking myself for not insisting it!!!

I'm okay, it's just these triggers sometimes slam into me, like I'm hitting a brick wall. I mentioned what I'd found to fWH...he lied & said "I never took off time to be w/fWH after you had DS10!" He's already told me b4, that they went to motels, if not humping @work parking lot. He forgets his recent confessions & continues lies he'd sworn himself to. I will never know everything. And, that kills me inside.

Do you guys ever start thinking "why do I even go on? What am I gaining by living in this world?" I never admitted it to IC years ago (because she asked), but my DSs were the only thing keeping me from committing suicide. My family could make it w/out me, I know that. My fear of hell, is probably the only thing keeping me from it somedays. I just have to keep praying that GOD take my anger & deal with it for me and that GOD give OW what she deserves, as he's already dished out tuff-love to fWH (with his accident, paraplegia, neverending pain).

You guys are so helpful. Nobody else wants to hear about my struggles anymore...like I should just brush off EA/PA#3, that EA/PA#1 was nothing, & EA/PA#2/OC are in-the-past & it's wonderful to have "God's blessing" of OC in our lives. I don't see her as a blessing usually. I know that's wrong...but, it's just my gut feeling.

P.S. OC forgot her cell in OW's purse again (is OW using OC's cell to break NC or having another A w/someone else?) It was so nice to feel like OW wasn't constantly spying on us, through OC's texts, pics, & calls.

I can only pray, that fWH has finally learned who OW once & for all. And, that he doesn't like what she truly is, once the fog has lifted & smoke/mirrors have gone. The rose-colored glasses, are hopefully @bottom of the river also.

Things were so much better about OW, before that stupid EA/PA#3.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, April 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P.S. I found our recently, that fWH lied about going NC after he found out she was pregnant. He was still secretely going to "check" on OW once or twice weekly. Not sure how much time he was spending w/her @her mom's, but I gather he was a regular there (probably while I was @work & boys in daycare). GOD knows what went on...he lies & says nothing...I can just imagine him rubbing her belly, talking to OC (like he did to our COM), holding hands, watching TV, proclaiming his love for her, making love?...all while, we had newborn @home & toddler too. How can you pretend to be loving husband/father (still making love/having sex w/me DAILY -yea DAILY), while you have a mistress/paramore & OC on-the-way with her???? Does he have a split personality?

How do you live 2 separate lives & pretend w/two separate women, that they're all-important? How do these guys do it? BMC, your fWH had a 2nd family....did he ever say how he managed it? How he lived w/the lies & pretended @2 homes? I just don't understand how fWH didn't just keep the lies going? Why did he tell me? Did he hope I'd file for D & make me the "bad guy?" He claims "I never wanted to D you & I always loved you." He also claims to love 2 women @once.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 8:00 AM, April 19th (Monday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, April 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Repeat - I'm sorry you had a a bad weekend with the triggers. I would burn or toss the old bills. They do nothing good for you, only bring you down.

I really think my H has the ability to compartmentalize things easily. I think he truly kept his time with her separate with his life with COM and me. Early on after D-day, I asked how he could be with her and not feel guilty and think about his family. He said that at the beginning of the A, he only thought of himself. He could wrap us up in a neat little sack and put us in the back of his mind. The guilt came later when he started to come out of the fog and was trying to get out of the A with as little damage to me, COM and our M.

There have been times when I wanted to go back into our cells records and bank records, but I couldn't because we don't have the same provider and I tossed our bank statement already. But then I'm glad because I don't want to live that awful year+ over again. I have a hard enough time when I look at my COM's scrapbooks that I have lovingly made and see pictures of what I thought was a happy family. It hurts so bad. The only time that I know of that she spent the night in MY bed is when I was at a weekend scrapbooking retreat. It was supposed to be my birthday gift that year. He was working that weekend so I drove my kids and extra hour to stay with my parents for the weekend. It was the first time that I had gone, and I grossly underestimated how much I would get done. I ran out of pictures on Saturday afternoon. So I called DH (I couldn't get him on the house phone - he said he was watering the yard), and he said he'd meet me 1/2 way (about 45 minutes) with the rest of the pictures. I wish SO much that I wouldn't have called. I wish I would've just drived home and gotten them myself. This was only 1 month or so into the A, and I have always thought that maybe me coming home that night might have put a halt on the whole thing. Mabye I would've caught them or just been close enough to scare the crap out of him. Who knows. OC wasn't conceived for 6 more months.

This weekend we were cleaning out our storage room to turn it into an office for me, and I pulled out our wedding pics and my bouquet. It just made me so sad. We were SOO happy then - what happened to get us to the point of him having an A? He still needs to work on what to do when I'm having a trigger moment. He prefers just to ignore, but I need him to give me a hug. I don't need apologies - I've heard it enough honestly. Just a hug would give me what I need. I guess I need to remind him again. He just feels like I'm going to beat him up about it, and ignoring it makes the guilt easier for him. Unfortunately for him, he caused the mess so my feelings come first at a time like that.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, April 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((repeat)) ((want2bok)), I too can undertsand how a piece of paper or a picture can just be tainted by what was going on during the time. It is sad that I can't even look at a movie or read a book or hear a song and not think, this was before my life went south, this was during the time my life went south, and this was after my life went south. I can't get rid of any paperwork or receipts, I have to keep all of this documentation concerning OC and OW for legal purposes because I am the legal guardian. The biggest thing that upset me was when social services wrote the check out for the OC's beds to my H and OW? OMG, that little piece of paper set me off! Or when I get called the OW's last name all the time from the dr's office or the school because sometimes they forget. It is an innocent mistake, but boy does it sting. Can you imagine having to tell your story over and over again to strangers? This is what I go thru with new drs., new schools, new therapist. I have to explain my relationship to OC, and I have to keep explaining it. Usually I am very good about just stating the facts and not getting upset, but when I met OC new therapist, I was a little upset explaining to her why my H has custody of OC and I have custody of his sisters.

As far as keeping 2 families, my H said when he was with us he was and when he was with them he was. As time went on it seemed natural to him. Then he became more concerned about losing us and our family that he hid them more.

We made some significant progress this weekend. He let me know that he has not forgotten what I did for him. He told me that there is not another woman on this earth that would have done this for him, that I saved him and he can't begin to thank me enough. Sometimes I just need him to remember that. We talked about our kids and the grandbaby, and I feel that we have come to an understanding. It is so hard when you have to rebuild something, there jsut seems to always be this little crack somewhere in the foundation that wasn't there before.


Repeat, I understand how you feel about OC, I feel that way sometimes too, and then I feel guilty for feeling that way. In the back of my mind, he should not exist, and it is hard for me to turn that off. I was trying to explain this to his new therapist. I told her right or wrong, he is a constant reminder of a wrong that was done to me. Now crazy as it sounds I don't feel that way about the twins because they are not my H's, but if they were, I would probably feel the same way. Hugs to us all.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 10:27 AM, April 19th (Monday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, April 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night, when I was trying to tell fWH what was happening about the records, OC was interrupting us, so I couldn't quite spill it out.

He said "If I'd have known the stuff would upset you, I'd have just said burn it all." I just feel like I need to hold onto the proof...like I'm not crazy, he really was doing something wrong...here it is in black & white, but I was too busy w/newborn to notice any of it.

We did have a little nice time b4 records & stuff yesterday (triggers were later in evening). fWH felt well & he took turns driving the kids in go kart we got them for Christmas. He let DS13 drive by himself. DS10 was really upset because his 2nd turn, he really wanted to drive....he's really short for 10. So, after much pouting, fWH gave in. We have portable hand controls on the kart so fWH can drive. DS10 isn't strong enough or coordinated enough to use them. He asked fWH to do the gas & he'd drive. Both DS13 & DS10 scared fWH with the driving. Good thing it'll be a few years b4 they drive cars! I will maybe post a photo if I get around to downloading them sometime.

Thanks guys. That stupid EA/PA#3 just really kicked me back into reality & my life wasn't what I thought it was. I'm so afraid to give in...to give fWH ALL of me....I think I would die, if he went back to OW again. All the lying....I just don't see how people do it w/a straight face. I guess, practice makes perfect. The more familiar he is w/OW, the easier the additional 2x affairs were. 10 years...10 DAMN years....of OW being involved w/our lives, before he finally let her go for good (I hope). He kept stringing her along probably, unconsciously flirting...making her feel a glimmer of hope.

fWH said last night, that he's worried about OC. That he's scared since OW wanted OC on birth control @14, that even though she's supposedly a born-again Christian, that she'll still sneak & take OC to get BC pills. fWH's worried, that OC will be as sexually active as both he & OW were at that age. Both of them had lost virginity by 14. fWH really has no control over what choices OC makes...what parent can control their teens? Anyway...he just had this realization, that OC is growing up....she's almost 5ft tall @9yrs (just turned 9 in Jan) & weighs >110 lbs. He's thinking, with her size, that she'll hit puberty soon...and OW & other women in family are big-chested....he's worried grown men will try to mess w/OC.

You know, that's one of the downfalls of sharing a child w/OW, you don't know what morals & rules she is enforcing @other home. If someone's in-home, you can at least enforce curfews, check cells, monitor texts, check e-mails, get to know their friends/boyfriends. I guess, OW wasn't the type of person he wanted raising his daughter. I guess he should have thought about that, before OW conceived.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
tryinagain2010
♀ New Member
Member # 27469
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, April 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess we all feel the same about things reminding us of the times before or during the A. I will find things that remind me of the time and I just want to throw them away!! We still don't have the paternity papers back but there is no doubt I have seen pictures so I am going to let him just deal with all that paper work.
Want2bok I have that same thought all the time that if I would have just done things differently there wouldn't be an OC. She was conceived 2 years into the A a year after I thought we were in R. I found some red flags and just wish I would have pushed a little harder or been on SI at the time. But I know I can't change things need to learn to accept and realize I had nothing to do with it. On a side note any suggestions on how to handle FWH when he is in self-loathing he only gets like this sometimes but it sucks because I don't know how to handle it and I am so caught up in my emotions that it is hard on me. We talked a little about it today because I said it makes me wonder if it is him missing her when he is saying he is having a bad day or is it just his feelings about himself. He said it is feelings about himself and he is in IC so hopefully that will help. Hugs to us all hope it is a better week


FWH 35(him)
BS 37 (me)
Married almost 9 years
Together 11
DDay 1 12/31/2007
DDay2 1/12/2010 OW called to tell there is OC born Oct. 2009
Trying to Reconcile but it is a slow process.

Posts: 50 | Registered: Feb 2010
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, April 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin - the only thing I do is try to comfort H like I want to be comforted when I'm having a bad day. I hate the self-loathing. It really frustrates me that he can feel sorry for himself when he created this mess. I don't tell him that, but it really just drives me crazy! :)


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
tryinagain2010
♀ New Member
Member # 27469
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, April 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is the way I feel too! That he has no right to have these kinds of days but I know he needs comfort too. Today it hasn't gone that way with me comforting him I am having a bad day too. There are some days I can't keep my thoughts at bay. I have only known about OC since January and somedays I just can't believe what he has done to our family and wonder if I am doing the right thing by staying. Then the tide turns and I know I could never walk away while he is trying so hard. But right now I am sick of the mind movies and dealing with all of this it is one of those days I just want to curl up in bed and not get up to deal with anything. But tomorrow will be a new day and I will continue the rollercoaster and hopefully it will start an uphill climb.


FWH 35(him)
BS 37 (me)
Married almost 9 years
Together 11
DDay 1 12/31/2007
DDay2 1/12/2010 OW called to tell there is OC born Oct. 2009
Trying to Reconcile but it is a slow process.

Posts: 50 | Registered: Feb 2010
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, April 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TryingAgain,

I knew OC was fWH's immediately when I saw the newborn photo. Could've been DS10's twin...their newborn photos look like same baby (just one in pink & one in blue). For a long time, until OC hit a growth spurt & outgrew DS10 (and also lost her blue eyes), people would see us out & think the "babies" were twins. In your mind, the DNA is just a formality. I kept hoping, fWH acted like he wondered (but he knew all along they were "trying" to get her pregnant for a "while" per OW).

Want2bok,
It angered me that fWH would get depressed. He put all this on us. Our M was rocky @best during A#1, I was in la-la land w/newborn when he was in midst of A#2 & conceiving OC, and who the heck knows what was going on during A#3 (I was just trying to survive life, with 2 ADHD kids, OC to basically raise for OW/fWH, and a paraplegic husband who I felt like took advantage of me-began feeling like a nurse instead of a sexy desirable wife). I do get angry, that he should be entitled to his guilt & self-loathing over EA/PA#3...because I don't have the luxury of giving up...because I must "fake it until I make it." If he hadn't been so weepy, apologetic, having panic attacks, begging me to stay, professing his undying love for me on D-day & thereafter...he'd have never gotten the chance he is receiving now. He almost lost it all for "real" this time. I am not good at comforting him...over things he brought on himself. I cannot seem to pity him over it.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 8:23 AM, April 20th (Tuesday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, April 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to give hugs to all.....


What a crazy life we lead...


I don't have real news other than I am struggling.....oc's birth is getting closer and I know (insert profanity here) will get our of her mind crazy. I am constantly reminded that I miscarried a couple weeks after I found out there would be an oc. It isn't fair and I am still upset about it. She thought she had it all....I think she still believes she can. Then why is H with me? Sure, we are struggling, but he sure as hell doesn't want her! He resents her, wishes oc didn't exsist, the whole nine yards. But that doesn't help his guilt and (insert more profanity here) knows it.


UGH.....


Struggling...


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW got new (or like new) Ford Focus. I figured she'd be getting another for-cash vehicle. Wonder why her BH#2 didn't get the nice car (since he is primary income for them) and give her the family sedan that has a sign "Don't laugh, it's paid for."

I guess between her disability (if she wasn't lying about it) and OC+toddler sis's $$$, she's able to afford it. They just lost 2 vehicles last year due to repossession & fWH believes they filed some form of bankruptcy a while back on her credit card debt. Seems odd, huh? Their finances have really turned around. What if something horrible happened to fWH or disability decided to deny him when he's reviewed in a few years again? Without OC's $$$ in their household, what would happen? Or, what if OC got sick of OW when she reached 12 and told fWH that she wanted to live w/us full-time (then fWH would be her payee again & OW would owe him CS). Anyway...how they manage their & OC's $$$ is their business. Maybe I should've been OC's payee...then given OW allowance for clothing etc. for OC @her home & gone ahead & paid everything @school...we already pay most her healthcare (all her dental/vision expenses), since OW is too lazy to usually take OC to Dr.

Anyway. We were doing the massive spring cleaning & I read the booklet that comes with being a payee for OC or DS13/DS10 on the soc. sec. benefits they get from fWH's disability. It says you can use OC's $$ for downpayment & monthly payments of house or vehicle (as long as it's in OC's name) & that you can buy furniture for household (even if whole house uses it) & home improvements to accessibility (flooring, ramps, etc). I think OW read the book...& is using some loopholes to get herself some nice stuff. What happens when they reevaluate her for disability in a few years (if she wasn't lying) or when they ask what happened to OC's $$$ @end-of-year. We have records of DSs $$$, does she do same for OC? I kinda doubt it.

Wish OW would go away....just leave OC w/us indefinately.

We had good night....trying not to trigger, as I go through rest of more-current papers for shred or file.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Finesse026)))

The last month before OW's due date, was the hardest for me....fearful that fWH would drop everything to run & be at birth. Thank GOD, she was mad @him and didn't call until home. I don't know how I could've handled it, if he'd gone and held her hand along w/her current BF (now BH#2). But, she lied to BH#2 about it being ONS also...so, that wouldn't have jived well with her story, if fWH was pawing all over her. I know she loves fWH, but she should have never gotten involved with mOM. And, she never should have M both BH#1 & BH#2, if she didn't love them enough....she told fWH she never loved BHs like she loved fWH. Why not just shack-up forever, if she had such doubts? Why give BH#2 a child, if she didn't want to raise it & be a "real" family w/BH#2?

fWH keeps saying "everybody thinks BH#2 is gay"....why in the heck have unprotected sex during A#3 w/OW, if her husband might be bi-sexual/gay? Did he want AIDs or another OC with her????? So stupid....I was so worried when she started gaining weight post-Dday#3, that she was carrying fWH's 4th child (well, maybe 5th if you count the one who he let that teen's new husband claim as his - when the H knew she was preg. when he started dating her but wanted to marry her anyway).

I discussed the 20-something child he "may" have. He said he was young & he just hoped that the child was taken car of. He doesn't even know if it was a girl or boy. I told him, that it was sad, that OC & DS13/DS10 never met their sibling. I think, that if we hid OC from COM, it would've been sad also. I have a half-brother & I love him no different...we were raised together & have always been there when sometimes our parents haven't. I thought OC & COM deserved to know each other & grow up having fWH as their wonderful father (he's crappy as husband when he's having As and foggy, but he's a really good dad).


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, BIL and OW have moved up the wedding date. They are getting married at the family reunion May 15th. My theories- 1. They want to shift the focus from the scandal of FWH, OW, OC and BIL dating OW 2. The family, food and shelter rent at the lake is already paid for and their unemployed a$$es don't have to pay for anything 3. Things are not going well and the best solution is to speed up the train so it will wreck faster. Oh well, not really my problem.

My plan is to get a seriously hot outfit, look like a million bucks and be devoted wife/stepmom. I am not hiding from this crap. I did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. FWH, BIL and OW have lots to be ashamed of and that's their problem. FWH said the he is not denying OC, if people at reunion ask, he is telling the truth. BIL has told FWH before "you don't have to say OC is yours". BIL took OW and OC to meet FWH's favorite uncle and did not tell him that OC was FWH's. FWH asked point-blank twice if he told him and BIL said yeah. We visited uncle Sun and he was not told. FWH was ticked! FWH confronted BIL and OW at MIL's house and OW said "we thought uncle knew". All BIL said is OC is uncle's (great) nephew which anyone could assume mean OC is BIL's. BIL said aunt said "he knows" so they did not explain.

BIL knew going into relationship with OW that FWH was OC's dad, that OW had A. BIL would like nothing more than to re-write history. But there is no way FWH will ever give up OC. OC is the most positive thing to come out of A with OW.


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((altered)))

Can't they just elope? That way, they only have to pay the county clerk for the license & marriage both....if they're in such a hurry. You know what it is, they're trying to make it seem like BIL & OW got married quickly after they had OC out-of-wedlock. I cannot see it working @all.

Did you guys wind up telling favorite uncle that OC isn't BIL's child...that OC is actually conceived during A w/OW?

They so want to rub your nose in her being around...too bad that BIL would be hurt, if you guys didn't attend. Talk BIL into quickie wedding instead of ruining reunion. I have a hard time being around SIL, because I found out some things went on btwn fWH & SIL (she's kinda another OW, but physical part only went so far)....I just want to stare holes in her @ILs family events (another good reason to avoid such IL stuff - plus it's hard to keep from blurting out that BIL is cheating on her @work and has been for some time, I think she's getting what she deserved in my opinion).

Burn some good holes in OW's head...throw tomatoes, if you must.

Go ahead & hold OC and get fWH to hold OC...then say, "Oh, you look so cute with your DADDY and sibling COM." Say it really loud! I know, games...might not want to stoop so low...but, it sometimes feels good to show OW that she didn't break you. I'm sure fWH or you will have to hold OC during wedding, since ILs will be way up-front.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am afraid that H will run to ow when oc gets here. But he swears he doesn't want to be the at all when it gets here. I'm afraid of the look on his face or her face for the matter. Ugh. Ic says that if he wanted to be with her H would be. He already tried to be a "family" with her much earlier on, but he says it was out of a sense of duty. He complete resents her now.

But that doesn't ge rid of the fear...

I'm dying right now.


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((altered)) boy they are a classy duo aren't they? Very tacky to use the family reunion for this. I had a feeling that they would try to pass off OC as your BIL's, that way OW doesn't have to explain what a slut she is! This is such a difficult situation, but good for both you and your H standing up for yourselves.

((Finesse)), I am so sorry that you are going thru this. One thing I have learned, you can only control what you do. I know it is hard. Put the boundaries down and stick to them, that is all you can do. If he is sincere, he will follow them. Hugs to you.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

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