It's getting alot better lately. My H had been wonderful, very open and transparent, and he does whatever he can to reassure me. I think that helps alot.
Praying for all of us
I really want to go back to MC, but we moved away from the one we went o for a year (the last appt we went to, we did not even know if OC was my H's or not, so we never got to fully discuss it).
He was awesome, specialized in men's mental health and male psychology, and was based in buddhism, which really worked well for us.
As for my situation, I spoke to my best friend at length yesterday about having my FWH call OW and attempt to discuss visitation/adoption/child support with OW (since they have never, ever discussed it before). It was so nice to actually be able to go over these things OUT LOUD since FWH never wants to (he always has the excuse of "ruining our day"- uhm, you pretty much ruined our life, dumbass ).
I came to the conclusion that no, it's not a good idea. My friend especially didn't think so once I told her OW had been fishing as recently as June (I found this out from reading her myspace messages- she tried to write my FWH, but he had her blocked, so it came back to her undelivered). I doubt any good would even come of it. My friend (who has been by my side through this whole thing, and went through her own possible OC drama shortly after me) reminded me that there just is no reasoning with someone like her. She has never, EVER had OC's best interest at heart, why would she just start now? She wouldn't.
I realize now that OW has not changed, has not grown up, and would just see this as an opportunity to create "drama" for us (for lack of a better word).
The only "drama" we have now is what I create, sadly. I think about OC constantly, especially since she is 14 months apart from my own daughter, and their looks are so similar. I look at OW's pictures of her online, and save some to our pc (without H knowing). I constantly compare her progress to that of my own daughter. It is probably horribly unhealthy, and I really should get counseling, but I feel like I could love her just like I loved my other stepdaughters (before they stopped seeing us due to OW).
Does anyone else who is NC do this? I feel like a total psycho (OW's favorite word for me anyway).
[This message edited by Want2help at 4:05 PM, February 5th (Friday)]
I got that going to ruin the evening shit, all the time too. Now I am seeing it most of the time, and he was right. We just have to pick our battles better. When either of us has a trigger, or moment and need to discuss something our key words are "I need a hugg" so we both realise there is something that needs to be discussed, when the timing fits. Has worked out wonderful, so far....
Yeah OW thinks I am crazy, psycho, and a stalker as well. Go figure, really who is the psycho, crazy stalker people in all this...
One more espisode directed towards my family from her again, and she will actually finally see a crazy psycho BI*@H...... I'll have to vent my emotions somehow, RIGHT? LOL
I am at a loss as to how to even contemplate dealing with OW carrying BF's child. He is going completely NC and spoken to solicitors, but I will always know what he has done, and I will always know his first child is with someone else.
i just want OW to be gone, to disappear and let me come to terms with what has happened. BF has devoted the rest of his life to proving his love for me and how much of a stupid, thoughtless mistake he made being with OW. He said he wont ever give up on winning me back. But I cant even think of that because I know she will always be in the background of my life, and so will this child. How am I supposed to deal with that?
I just want her to go away.
Every so often, of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale - he was my fairytale.
Some others here deal w/OW having BF or WH's first (and maybe only child). It is a real reality you have to face now. IF OW's child turns out to really be your BFs, he will have to always face CS & other issues about OC. If he choses to go NC w/OC, then he will need to face the feelings about it. Knowing you have a child somewhere out there, would always stay w/him. If he has visitation, OC will become part of your future family.
The question is, do you want to continue a relationship with someone that carries so much baggage. It'll kinda be like marrying someone who's D w/COM. Can you deal with that? If OW would not continue to make trouble for you, R can probably go on. If she makes herself a permanent fixture & causes drama, you will have to decide if BF is worth staying. If there's a chance that he's not "the one," maybe you should step back and weigh the benefits & downfalls of the choices you have before you.
Just so you'll know, when we were engaged & I was in college, but living w/Mr. Repeat, I stupidly started having cybersex online. Got busted after he caught me w/some letters from the virtual man. Never met him, never loved him, but I guess I was addicted. LOVE was never between me & OM. But, I injured my relationship w/fWH. He broke off engagement & had revenge A. I think it went on for about 3-5 months. He broke-it-off w/OW, but she became psycho. Fortunately, she never got pregnant, but she started calling & hanging up, then threatening to come by when I was home for weekends & kick my butt. He hadn't planned on telling me, but he had to after her threats toward my life & wellbeing. He kicked me out for a few months, but continued to see me every weekend (not telling me he loved me though). We ended up marrying w/in 2 weeks, after he asked. I don't regret marrying him, but both my online A & his PA weakened our relationship. I was extremely happy & content for many-many years after M. I was completely stupid for doing what I did back then, but I feel like between his RA & 3 EA/PAs & OC & finding out SIL gave him BJ before we conceived DS13, that I have paid my dues. What fWH has done to me & our relationship can never be fully repaired. The big question is, can I continue to live w/him & NOT punish him daily? Can you live w/BF (or H) and be happy @all? I was...probably could be again, if I got amnesia. I really think that infidelity pre-marriage (especially w/OC involved), almost sets the tone of the whole M.
OW showed to Friday's ballgame 5 min into 1st quarter. Commenced to talk on her cell almost ALL ballgame. She even had her backed turned to game while on phone & also chatting w/her sister. OC got elbowed in the nose, dropped to her knees crying. fWH rushed to the sideline to check on her. It took OW over 2 min, to even get off her butt & walk over. She was so busy w/cell, she had not even noticed OC was hurt. When OW came over, OC started hugging her, so fWH came back to stands.
Then, during last part of game, while still on her phone, we hear this loud "DAMNIT xxxxxx." I don't know what OC's sister was doing, but everyone in the stands heard her. Isn't she a class act.
She didn't show for game #2. She'd told OC she probably wouldn't go, because 9am was too early to get out-of-bed on a nonschool day. Huh? Wasn't she the one who told OC that she'd come to all the home games? Didn't hurt my feelings any, but it probably did OCs. She played horribly. She wouldn't get up for game. I told her, "if u don't get up, you won't get breakfast." She didn't. fWH had to threaten to call coach & make OC get on phone to tell her she didn't want to get out-of-bed. She finally got up, but coach dropped off her kid & didn't come to game (assistant coach had to fill in). Coach came to Friday game after 2nd half, but didn't coach @all. She sat & chatted on her cell.
Coach told fWH Thursday that she's "depressed" and is filing for disability.
Oh, OC was very good yesterday. She was grounded all Saturday & we even wouldn't let her bake her belated b-day cake. She was all please & thank you all day (even got up for church & got dressed w/out me fussing). I hope it continues today...had a little trouble getting her up this morning, but she was up b4 fWH rolled into her room to make sure she was ready.
Have you guys seen OC since before Christmas? I was just wondering if OW was still keeping OC from you guys.
Repeat if you ever feel the need to talk, or just vent, and do not feel like this forum is a place for it. Please feel free to PM me anytime. I check my messages every day.
I completely understand where you are, and know how it feels. My heart and prayers are with you. (((HUGGS)))
Don't feel bad about the anger, venting, I feel like I spend half my time on here seething if not for myself, for others. OW pushes buttons too in our case. It doesn't help that BIL does things like show OW our family pictures of me, FWH and COM. I found that out last night.The only thing I can think of is hopefully OW saw how happy we were and felt like sh*t.
FWH was at hospital with OC who is still fighting RSV and pneumonia Thurs-Sun. I told FWH to go. He was driving back and forth and almost ran off the road several times when he spent almost all night at ER Wed. He kept his boundaries with OW,watched what he said and no hand-holding, comforting etc. and he called and texted me constantly. He honestly seemed like he did not care about OW or her needs it was all about OC. OW and BIL were texting too as they are so in luuuve . Of course, BIL did not show up at hospital. I was going to go up to bring clothes Fri, but FWH got to come home for about an hour. We spent it snuggling on the couch.
It was hard the 1st day, but I decided the 2nd day that I had a DD to raise and the world kept right on spinning even with FWH gone. I did not obsess, I felt better, I slept the next few nights. Now that he is back, I am glad that he got some full time access to OC for those few days, even though he was worried about him. Of course OC was released to go home with 2 siblings, one who has the RSV OC caught, and one who has strep, so OC will probably end up back at hosp.
They also lined out visitation. In TX, until OC is 3, he cannot have overnights. But, after 6 mos, we can take him for 4 hours every 1st,3rd, and 5th Sat. Now until 6 mos, they have to be in her home 2 hours each Sat, and he can have 1 hr Tues and Thursday, but we live an hour away, so that's not really possible. Those are what he has a right to, she cannot deny him those visits.
OW actually waived back CS and medical bills. I was rather surprised about that. BIL stayed with her the night before, so maybe he put her in a good mood.
The CS meeting only lasted about 30 minutes, we then went to lunch, me and FWH. OW was in a hurry and left fast. BIL did not come with her, I guess he was just a booty call that night. I still hope that doesn't last long.
But, the Attny General's office still has to submit the agreement for an order and either side can appeal. I am relieved, I had all kinds of figures in my mind. Maybe things are finally going our way.
That is ridiculous about the overnights, how many children stay overnights with grandparents when the parents are married, but I hope you guys get everything you want in the end.
Sending good thought your way!
I know you guys won't get much visitation @first, but maybe you can take advantage of strange business holidays for extra time w/OC. Pull out fWH's business holiday list for 2010 & 2011 and see if you can weasel out some additional time w/OC. That is a strange law of no overnights until 3yrs in TX. In our state, they really want both parents to bond well w/children from S, D, or never-married parents and encourage ANY time the noncustodial parent has available.
Friday (pickup OC @2pm from OW for dermatologist appt - no school/teacher workday)
Saturday (bb game @home court 11am)
Sunday (Valentine's traffic @restaurants is horrid...we don't dare set foot in one on VD - all 5 of us are going to see my widowed mom sometime after church)
Monday (President's Day - no work/no school. Sleep late, take OC to OW @6pm, 8pm go to makeup basketball game for OC - OW said she will take OC, tried to get out of going, but fWH insists that we go - I wanted to do belated V-day theater visit).
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 2:01 PM, February 11th (Thursday)]
Last night, dropped off OC @park w/OW at 6pm. I try not to look @her, but fWH always asks who got her & who was in car. OW looked put-together, had her hair spiked & no glasses (assume she had in her contacts). She usually looks plain @pickups. Figured they were going somewhere.
Both fWH & I got paid this week, so had to make an evening dash to Wal-mart & Food Lion (our cupboard was bare, refrigerator collecting cobwebs, & no laundry detergent left in-house). After dropping OC off @6pm, went to Wal-mart. Around 6:30pm, turned the corner in Wal-mart. Can you guess who was there? OW, OC, & toddler sister. I said "Hi OC." OW said "hey." I did not stop to chat...just high-tailed it to other part of store. Had to wait on meds from pharmacy, or I'd probably have opted to run out-of-store & come back & do my Wal-mart after Food Lion.
Don't you just love those little chance encounters w/OW that make your stomach turn & make your whole body feel shakey & tingly @the same time??? Sadly, OW lives close enough to shop @same stores as me.
I asked FWH how he would handle it if I got P by another man and he had to be one of 2 fathers of my children like I was one of 2 mothers? He said that he did not know, that he would handle it the best he could, that he thought I was doing a good job handling it. Then he hugged me and let me cry on him a while. What a way to start a morning. But, VD is all about me, COM and FWH and I am thankful.
(((Hugs to everyone))) and I hope that Valentine's day will be peaceful and loving for all!
I had one of those moments that was a major trigger for me.
I went to apply for a job yesterday, which put me behind on my school assignment, so I dashed home to try to complete my obligations, beforee FWH arrived home from work. Well just before arriving home he asked if I was still dressed, of course I was, but he decided to treat me out to dinner. This was fantastic, did not feel like cooking, and timing could have not been better. So I took a break from my schooling, so when we returned home I did have to finish up . So needless to say I had to be away from FWH in the other room while I did my assignment. So he wanted to play his golf game on his phone in the living room, I did not think twice about it. Because things have been great. So I finished my work, then sat up with him for a bit, then we proceeded to our room, had some nooky , then like normal I go out for a smoke(yes, I know nasty habit) He joined me, which he very rarely does, at this time of the evening, but to me his demeanor was off. Like he was watching what I was doing. See he leaves his cell in the kitchen.
So at 11:06pm OW texted him, I saw this around 11:30pm. She texted him "Muah, Love you" Oh I freaked, the texts have stopped for sometime now, I had seen she had a BF, and was finally get some peace.
This whole cenario, was just a major trigger for me, this has happened exactly like this at one point right before the final end to the A taking place. We went to a nice dinner in mountains, had to finish school work, he texted her while I was in the other room, and sent you tube songs to her..
So everything just seemed so-real..When I saw that text. I pondered for some time, and at about 3:30AM I texted her from FWH phone "Now you are becoming very pathetic. We are together and staying that way, what we have is more than a ring and paper it is true depp love. Stop being so childish and get a real life.
Then I found a web site that I can block incoming text messages on FWH phone. So a code is sent to his phone, so I needed to do this with his phone present. I did, and completetion was finalized. OW can longer get text messages to FWH. LMAO, and neither know...
So this morning I hand FWH his phone, say you may need this, he is like why do you have it, so I explained everything, except the blocking part.
He was perfect in his comforting, and said everything perfectly. He did not d what he has done in the past and get defensive, or anything. He hugged, me and kissed me, and told me that what I thought, he could see how I would, but that maybe she was drunk or something, but there is NC with her. I told him I do trust him, but I will verify it for awhile.
Well magically her Facebook account was deleted yesterday as well. That is how I found her BF, information... But her Myspace account is still up and running, that is where she always feed on me, and our family. She was not friends with family on Facebook. How weird is all this...
One positive thing is that she does live over 45 min away, in another town, so my town for the last 36 years is still my town I could not imagine running into her, while out on my errands, or leizure time.. Just having her live in the same town as FWH works is hard enough on my days.
I sounded like your H did everything that you needed. I told my FWH if OW gets my cell number and ever texts me, I am blocking her number. She asked for it one time because she wanted to send me an OC pic. NO WAY. I told FWH for her to send it to him and he would make sure I got it. OW has gotten drunk and sent hateful snarky texts to FWH and I would not be tactful if that happens to me.
This is sooo frustrating, I truly believe in my heart that we are progessing, but with these texts it puts me right back on high alert all over again.
I also found out today that the pictures I had given SIL, of my stepson and his family, and pictures of h and OC were put up in FIL hospital room, with the rest of the family, but the ones I gave her of FWH and I together (3 of them) were not posted up for display. This is sooo f*#ing wrong. Why should pictures of me FWH not be posted with the rst of the family.... Ex- SIL is up there, and OC, what the hell did I do that was so wrong to be taken out of the family unity.
I so badly want to text her and ask why they were not put up with the rest of the ones I gave her, but my nice SIL, is the one that looked, and I do not want to cause any complications with her. She has no use for this SIL either though.
I know all this stuff is really pointless, but damn it does upset me.
FWH is being so loving, and saying it so often lately, which is given me this feeling, but am not sure if it is because of the current contact OW is making, and I'm just paranoid...Or if he has been in contact again... What do I do?
Sorry your texting block did not work. I blocked OW's texts prior to D-day#3 w/out their knowledge. The week of D-day#3, fWH mentioned that his phone wasn't working, as OW had tried to text something about OC & it hadn't come through. I told him "that's because I blocked her texts....she can call if there's a problem w/OC." OW bought a cheap-o throw-away phone w/texting that has a HIDE ID option, so she could text fWH w/out me blocking. She had a friend @work in LTA (10+ yrs) and they each had secret phones for such purpose & only used them @work. That began the week from HELL for us.
I have been freaking out lately. fWH's male friend from work has been sending joke texts & photos. Anytime I see fWH on phone, now I am worrying that he's texting OW. I just worry that she's added minutes to the secret phone (you know, the one she gave OC & it "quit working" after fWH paid for extra minutes for OC to have it).
Got OC for appt @2pm at park from OW since no school Friday. I took OC to appt (I know, should've been fWH's job, huh?). He did try to take DS10 to his allergy shots, but closed 4 lunch & took him for much-needed haircut. Fri night, coach called & said that another makeup game was added @5pm Saturday about 45 min drive out-of-town.
Saturday: went to OC's game. She played really well, but team still lost. OW missed first quarter & 1/2 of 2nd quarter. Guess 11am was too early. OW/BH#2/toddler showed up & OC barely played after that. She'd been doing really well b4 & even had ball a few times (got fouled & had to shoot 2 foul shots). (spelling horrible, forgive me). BH#2 hugged & hugged OC and so did OW after game (very odd indeed). OW told OC that she wouldn't attend 2nd game due to plans. 2nd game got cancelled because 2 kids couldn't come & another got sick after game (she has asthma and played really hard during 1st game...I'm not surprised).
OC really bad Sunday, ended up taking boys to mom's & not even taking OC (since fWH wanted to stay @home). Really triggery, worried he's breaking NC. We had OC all night, but she was grounded due to bad behavior. Took OC to OW's house @2pm (she did not have car due to snow Monday morning - no school President's Day). OW had called around 11am & said she could not meet me @park. Their steep driveway was still snowy, so I had to let OC off @road & waited until she climbed the driveway & OW actually opened the door for her. She texted "thanks."
fWH & I went to movies and had a good time Monday afternoon, went to Mom's to retrieve boys around 6pm.
Dreamer: If you guys go visit FIL in room, take more photos of you & fWH to post up.
Is there any way whatsoever to go under provider & block OW's texts?
@one point, when fWH insisted he NEEDED OW's #s on his phone for emergencies, I actually changed OW's personal ringtone to NO SOUND. That way, he'd miss her calls & she'd have to call me. When her brother died, she called fWH's phone first & he was @dentist w/phone off & she had to call me instead. HE was her first call after finding out. NOT ME, who would've been the person to pickup OC anyway.
I would be worried also, that fWH isn't telling you about OW's texts. You gave him opportunity to come clean about NC. Maybe ask him "has OW quit texting, or is she still bothering you?" If he says she hasn't, then you know he's lying. I'm a little worried for you, that he maybe wasn't playing GOLF on his cell @all.
I really enjoy when we go on vacation & our cells don't get signals. I feel free, when I know OW cannot text @all.
I made fWH french toast for Valentine's breakfast (b4 church, I got up early) and I made fWH & OC breakfast yesterday morning (since I was off work) - from-scratch biscuits, fried taters, turkey sausage, packaged gravy. I am trying to show love the only way I know how, even though we cannot exactly afford gifts right now. We spent so much cash on Christmas, that we are in-the-hole on everything else now. Having the extra $$$ from OC's check, was just enough to go against the grocery bills (she eats more than both boys combined, but she's on a diet right now - smaller servings instead of strict salad & crap though).
HOPE everyone had an OW-free Valentine's Day!
I am a bit worried about triggers though. I was pg with dd#3 when the A began and the last pregnancy he has been through was with her. And OW is not going to be happy that her CS will be cut into since we will have another dependent.
Please send good thoughts/prayers that this all turns out positively for us.