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User Topic: OC Support Thread (BS Only)-New Thread
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, March 17th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am really frustrated today. WBF told me today that he talked to OW yesterday. I am not sure if I should feel good that he volunteered this info or be upset that he is not NC.

I never specifically asked for NC, at least yet. I kicked him out and I am not even sure I want to R (he does) - so I am not sure I have a right to demand NC. But I did tell him that if we are to have a future together, that they can't be "friends".


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Feb 2010
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, March 18th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whalers,

Maybe you should express to him that you believe him going NC, would show you that he's sincere. That you are confused & hurt right now, but him making a clear effort to break all ties w/OW until DNA proof of paternity, would give you great relief. & don't feel guilty for still loving him or wanting to secretly R...it happens, it can work, but it's a hard choice also.

I allowed fWH/OW to be "just friends" after A#1 & that's how OC came about (A#2) & let my guard down & didn't fuss much over them being friendly so long after OCs birth & OW was married & that's how EA/PA#3 started. In our case, fWH/OW just cannot be around each other alone or talk frequently, as I guess the feelings are so strong btwn them, that they fall back into old patterns. He sinks back into the fog & quicksand of FantasyLand. He really didn't have any complaints much about going NC w/OW this time, to attempt R#3. He still slips-up & talks 2 her (she lures him in w/calls from OC to him & talks in background)...or he flat-out calls her about something that just "can't" wait until I get home to call her. It will be good when OC is 16 & driving & has her own cell etc. Maybe then, OW & fWH will not have any reason to speak that even seems remotely legitimate.

What works best for me is OW texting ME only or us passing notes in OC's backpack. I try not to look @her during PU/DO of OC daily. It is difficult being around her daily, but would've been more difficult of fWH had continued to be the contact person & PU/DO person.

I think for R to occur, OW's involvement in your day-2-day has to be limited & NONE for him (if @all possible).

I myself am attempting to not even SAY OWs name or gripe about her @all in fWH's presence. It just makes us both anxious & ruins our day. Too bad I still see her daily @dropoffs.

OC asked "when's Summer break?" Got me excited @fact that I only see OW 2x weekly during summer months at Fri pickup & Sunday or Monday dropoff. I am wondering if OW will allow fWH to keep OC each Sunday night until Monday 6pm like last summer. If she goes strictly by paperwork, I need to take OC back Sunday @6pm.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, March 18th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just when I thought basketball was over.

Our boys/girls club is hosting a sports banquet for ALL boys/girls teams on Saturday @2 p.m. Each family on our team is obligated to bring a veggie.

Coach couldn't reach OW & she figured we'd have OC anyway. I suppose, we have to tell OW.

If OW/BH#2/toddler also want to attend ceremony, that'll be really interesting...knowing OC will want both her Daddy&Momma (fWH & me) and her Mom&Dad (OW & BH#2) to sit in close proximity....guess we'd have to all sit w/team. Keep fingers crossed that OW either doesn't want to go, or wants to take OC by herself (like last year).

Event is indoors (last year's was @local park) @a VFW one town over.

Wouldn't we be just one big disgusting family with fWH, me, DS13, DS10, OC9, OW, BH#2, toddler4 @the banquet table....who knows, OW's sister's son/daughter are all on teams also, so they'll be there as-well! Why not just throw in a pot-smokin' granny (50s) & step-papaw (early 40s) too!

Keep prayin' for me guys.....

What should I make for event? something simple like tossed salad, or something like homemade mustard potato salad w/added green/orange/yellow peppers & radishes (maybe throw in some dill cubes for flavor)??? Whatever it is, it's gotta be delicious, if OW or her kin are there....always feel like I've got to PROVE my worth to fWH (in a public sense) & justify why he never left me for OW.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, March 18th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hhhhmmm, REPEAT.

I vote you just don't go.

Really, we all preach NC to the new members, before they find out DNA, and only NECESSARY CONTACT afterward (when it comes to visitation, etc).

I am really unclear on why you and your H put yourself through this constant trauma, maybe I missed an explanation?

Sorry if I sound like a bitch, especially coming from someone who is NC, but this sounds like just that. Constant trauma for your family.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1944 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, March 18th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. Nothing about this OW is going to change for the good. If you don't have to, don't go. Save yourself the drama and the trama. (JMO)

I see the stress in your posts when you have to deal with this OW, I honestly can't imagine how you go thru this on a regular basis.


Has anyone heard from Beajus? she hasn't been around since early February and I know the OC's first birthday is coming up at the end of the month. Just concerned for you Beajus, I hope is well with you and your family.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 10:46 PM, March 18th (Thursday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, March 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Drama.

Ballgames: OC played last season (hoped she get in better health, if she did this). In OW's attempt to portray "good" mommy qualities to fWH, she attended all except maybe 2 games last season. We have OC every weekend (has always been that way since DNA+). OW didn't even ask fWH to change that when he did custody papers. She even let him have OC Sunday nights last summer, when she is supposed to have OC.

Whether OW comes or not, we had to take OC to ballgames, since we had her. BTW: OW was one who signed OC up this ball season, as we kinda didn't feel like running all over 3 counties again. Last season, she & her family harassed me to no-end (sitting 2 rows behind us in empty bleachers, half pulling out in parking lot & waiting 2 follow us 45 min drive, OW's stepniece & friend walking down between me & DS10 in bleachers instead of going down stairway, OW coming up to speak 2 us @games-when not necessary, OW's mother saying rude stuff about me w/in earshot of fWH).

I'll admit, it pissed me off that OW didn't even go to many of home games this season. But, I was relieved when she didn't show up. Disappointment for OC/big yipee for me.

So many pickups/dropoffs. K-1st, OC attended school about 45-50 min away from our home. It was supposed to allow OC to ride bus home from school to OW's mother's home, but she got tired of caring for OC & her newborn sister all-the-time so OC ended up in afterschool @school or @local church. I'd pickup OC from afterschool (almost hour drive from my work) every Friday (even during summer months, I'd get OC after work on Fridays after I got DSx2 from daycare).

The local elem. school is 5 min either way to our home or OW's home, so either in throws of passion or whatever, fWH & OW agreed to put OC into local school starting fall 2008 (in midst of A#3). fWH was working & so was OW. OC rode bus home w/DS10 to ILs & fWH got them after work. fWH loved having OC after school for about 2 hours, because in previous years (we had her more when she was in preschool/daycare), he'd only see OC Fri-Sun6pm (he wanted more time w/OC). After OW got off work @6pm, she'd meet fWH to get OC (I didn't like this, but for reasons of temporary insanity & being naive, I'd agreed to it). When OW lost her job post-Dday#3 (Oct08), I had really hoped that OC would start going home to OW afterschool, but fWH insisted she still come to ILs. It would be so much simpler & easier on me, if OC rode bus to OWs now that fWH was laid off & then went onto disability. He insists that he wants OC @home each afternoon. I cannot complain, because I never had a father & I would've loved if I could've had a dad that WANTED me around. I feel sad for OC, having to be so tossed around each week. Even alternating weeks wouldn've been good, I think, but I guess fWH likes it how it is. I do wish she'd go home to OW M-W on bus & alternating Th. Papers don't say we get her afterschool each day, they say:

B. DAY-TO-DAY SCHEDULE
The mother shall have responsibility for the care of the child or children except at the following times when the other parent shall have responsibility:

From Friday, 6:00 p.m. to Sunday, 6:00 p.m. every week.

The other parent shall also have responsibility for the care of the child or children at the additional parenting times specified below:

From Thursday, 6:00 p.m. to Friday, 6:00 p.m. every other week when school is in session.

And From Sunday, 6:00 p.m. to Monday, 6:00 a.m. when Father will drop the child off at school every week when school is in session.

In addition, Father will provide after school care for the child each school day until Mother gets off work and picks up the child at an agreed upon public location.

As for us seeing OW @other school events. It would be great if OW could be depended on to take OC to stuff (field trips, music things), but she isn't reliable & OC shouldn't miss-out on stuff because her mom either claims to not have vehicle or she's "sick." I really don't want to go to ceremony tomorrow, but they might give OC a trophy for participation, so fWH didn't want her to miss that. fWH asked OC to call OW last night & ask her if coach called/texted her about event, but she was in a mood & refused to call her mom.

MIL has suggested many times to fWH, that he just let OC ride bus to OWs on her nights, but he wants 2 see OC every day. I guess, if we were D, I'd love seeing DSs every day also.

Funny, we see OC daily, but OW doesn't. 3-4 days a week, she doesn't see OC @all or even ask OC to call her to say "I had good day." But, OC can never find OW @home or on cell when she does try calling, so probably no point in OC trying to call.


BH#2 has been picking up OC w/OW & toddler4 off & on again. Don't know what's up w/that...maybe OW ankle hurting. Maybe he's afraid I'll be mean to his wifey, or maybe he's afraid since she has car all-day now, that she'll hook-up w/fWH again. Who knows? He should just take the car from OW, like b4. Now that toddler4 is in preschool, OW is free to roam the county all day until pickup of toddler4 & OC. She might get lonely for some male company, huh?


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, March 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((repeat)), that is so sad. The OC is very fortunate that you are in her life. You act more of a mother to her than OW.

I know that it has to be stressful though. Prayers for you.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, March 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't heard from beajus. I PM her a while back w/no response. I see that she's active on facebook in the games, but mainly only posts photos of boys & pups. I'd be curious to know, if they were ever able to afford lawyer to try & get joint custody of OC. I know they absolutely love her so much.

I do know that @last time I read on SI, she & wBF weren't probably going to R (due to non-OC/OW issues), but were still going to co-habitate due to the boys. She was SAHM, but I don't know if that's changed or not due to CS expenses on the family.

I hope they're doing well in their home arrangement.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, March 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC, thanks. But, I cannot imagine how stressful everything is for your also. Finding out fWH has 3 kids & then realizing 2 of them aren't fWH's (just belong to OW). You were very kind to keep the siblings together & get custody of them. Most wouldn't take on OW's other children & would have let child services take them instead.

One of fWH's ex coworkers spends time w/his xW's son by 2nd husband. Apparently, her current H doesn't do much w/COM, so when the xH gets his son(s) for events (ballgames, hocky games, boys night out), he just goes ahead & takes his xW youngest son also. That's weird.

We once wondered what would happen when OC's little sister gets older. When we go to do something for b-day for OC, will her sis ask to go along? Can we say no & hurt the little girl's feelings, or give in & begin relationship w/OC's sister? If we have party for OC (like skating rink), would we invite her sister to be nice & then see OW/BH#2 there?


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, March 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm... it appears that everytime I talk to WAH (my new abbreviation...stands for wayward a-hole!), I get a slightly different story.

I'm ready to just throw up my hands and say, "Since you can't seem to make a choice, let me make one for you - have a nice life!"

Now he's telling me that he really WANTS to be with me, but feels a sense of obligation to be with OW because the child deserves a family. And that he knows he won't be happy with her, but that he is uncomfortable with the thought of another man raising his child.

Thank goodness I have my IC tomorrow - I need it!!


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Feb 2010
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, March 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whalers,

Sounds like he's still foggy. If he cannot pick you 100% & even considering life w/OW for OC's sake, then he's not into R yet. Give him a little more time, but make NC needs clear for R.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, March 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Banquet:

Well, we asked OC what OW took to last year's banquet/picnic (it was outdoors @park last year). She said, Momma didn't go last year. Uncle X took me (that's OW's BIL). So, even though OW said last year that she'd take OC, she didn't. fWH would've gone, if he'd thought OC had no parent show up for ceremony. Another lie from "oh so perfect" OW. Gosh, her copper halo keeps getting greener & greener.

Well, OW did show for banquet w/BH#2 & toddler4. Because OCs cousins were also in bb this year, auntie & her family all showed also. About 150 people showed up, more than I had expected...not even enough seating for all. OW & BH#2 stood up front w/cups from takeout & OW's sister took toddler4 & OC around w/her to get food. We waited until traffic died down around tables. OC chose to sit w/coach & other girls on team, instead of w/any family. OC's female cousin was polite. A granny had brought her cousin & auntie & family showed later (suspect it was her stepdad's mother or something, fWH had never seen her before).

OW looked rather large. I suggested to fWH that OW might be pregnant. He said he'd never seen her that big. I said, "not even when she was pregnant w/OC?" He said, "no, she wasn't very far along when I quit going 2 see her." It was a fishing question, I'll admit. But, his STORY all along had been that once she called & said she was pregnant, that he NEVER saw her again until after OC was born. LIES. Trickle Truths. So, now his story is, that he didn't have sex w/her again, but until he told me about pregnancy, that he was going over to see OW @her mom's house about 1-2 times weekly. CRAP! LIAR!!!! We were having discussion @banquet & I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I drove, so I cried all the way home. Did my chores. Went to bed crying @4 p.m. Took a 2hr nap. When I awoke, he'd been doing laundry & was tring to fix our backed-up dishwasher (everything fron under sink, out in floor). He said "R U going to be mad @me all day?" I told him he'd lied & that even recently, his story had been that he NEVER saw her after he found out about OC. Now it's "I didn't have sex w/her again." Well, what do you do when U go over to see your pregnant whore? Kiss, hold hands, watch TV, rub her belly & talk to baby? I didn't ask & he didn't give anymore details. So, here I am, sitting @home w/4-yr-old & newborn, while fWH is sneaking off to see OW for GOD knows how long each visit. Here I am @work, my mom watching 2 kids (until fWH gets off work) so I can go in early & get off early...and, maybe the reason he asked me to quit getting my mom to watch them in morning & put them in daycare was so he could go see OW more. The daycare thing was short-lived, but I was working full-time, nursing (pumping milk @work), going in around 6 a.m. so I could get off at 2:30 p.m. and relieve fWH of kid duty & spend time w/him. Still having some form of SEX w/my husband practically daily, worn out from the hectic schedule. Doing chores @night after he left for work @11 p.m. SHE was probably still coming to his work & banging him in parking lot!!!! Here I was, in my own little fantasy world, thinking somebody loved me & all was right w/the world...and, here he was, dreading coming home...wishing he could be w/OW instead. Planning a family w/her, but keeping it all secret.

UGH!!! I cried & cried for a while last night. I told him that he could not hurt me again, that I couldn't deal with it. I made him promise to NEVER touch OW again. He never apologizes right for all the crap. I'm reading Apology Languages book by Gary Chapman (well, listening to audiobook @work). fWH always ends apology with, "if you hadn't been acting the way you were, it'd never have happened." I can see messing around, if he wasn't getting sex, but giving OW child on purpose goes ABOVE & BEYOND the getting physical needs met. PLUS, even though I was too tired to enjoy daily sex after DS10 was born, he was still having sex w/me. He cannot claim that I wasn't putting out...because I was! I was completely blind-sided by OC's conception....no clue, whatsoever (except that horrible nightmare that I had around time she really was pregnant).

I just wish OW would disappear. I should have never let fWH remain "friends" w/OW after A#1.

After OC was born, I should've made him get CS/custody through courts & remain NC w/OW. Let him pay CS to state (for a fee) and arrange it where he NEVER EVER EVER saw OW again, as a condition of R. We wouldn've known OW made much more $$$ than him. I let fWH & OW run-the-show & just blindly went along w/everything. stupid! Stupid! STUPID!

Thanks for listening guys.

THANK GOD that OW didn't try & be friendly @banquet, is all I can say. I told fWH that I cannot be a Christian toward OW, that it's just not in me. I am going 2 HELL for that stupid homewrecker & my fWH!!! I have so much anger, I cannot breathe sometimes. My face & neck gets red, I get a headache, my heart races, I grit my teeth & clench my fists.

I was not a good wife, not a piss-poor one either (especially after his accident, I think I was almost saint-like in my willingness to DO so much more than b4)...I wasn't perfect, but I NEVER deserved this. NObody ever deserves OC issues....period. No matter how bad a spouse you might be.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, March 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Repeat)))). Never. Never. Never. Never take responsibility for your H's A. This is not your fault in any way shape or form. You could have been the Ice bitch from hell, complete ball buster, mean mommy etc. and that gives your H NO excuse to have A. He could have D you, left, insisted on MC,or actually talked to you about his problems, A's are NEVER justified for any reason. Him putting qualifiers at the end of his apologies pretty much nullifies the apology IMHO. And it's just not you being mad, it's you being devastated again and again by the consequences of HIS actions. It's about you staying and helping him clean up his shit instead of breaking up your family. Yes letting go and forgiving is important, but in order to file away the A, you have to all the information. You may think about having a talk with your FWH, set a time no holds barred Q&A regarding EA and PA. Set rules for yourself too, no reactions, no fighting, just discuss the facts. Maybe do it with MC, pastor there something. Something keeps bringing you back to DDay, triggers you, he has to understand that. You and he are a team in this, he has to let you in. Just MHO.

Yesterday was the 1 yr anti-versary of the start of PA and conception of OC. OW and her C stayed spring break with BIL, sort of a dry-run for when she moves in May 1. FWH, COM and I spent some time with OC at MIL's house, OW and BIL were in and out, OW needed help restrapping OC's car seat. FWH was helping her and she smacked him on the nose with the strap which pissed FWH off. FWH has bulging disk and was not in a good mood anyway. OW treats him with such contempt unless she needs something from him. Fri, FWH was home with his back out (all wee) and OW dropped OC off with his for "a couple of hours" until BIL got up. This turned into 7 hrs. BIL was just tired of messing with 3 kids. FWH loved seeing OC, but could barely walk. I just pisses me off that she acts like this with us, but MIL and FIL go on about how helpful she is, how good for BIL she is. But, all we can control is us. She popped off something when FWH complained about paying her shitty baby-sitter the full $40 (his 1/2) when she did not have OC, BIL had him for 2 days. OW said "you didn't HAVE to do anything" FWH said yes I did. I said, "that's his kid and he needs support from both parents" OW said nothing back. You guys pray that we find land to move onto to get away from this freaky triangle!

On a positive note, we got my wedding ring redone (I haven't worn it since D Day, couldn't bear to). FWH put in on me, asked me to marry him again, it was romantic. A new improved ring for a new improved M.


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Frustrated  Posted: 11:17 AM, March 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((altered))),

I kinda understand about paying for daycare when OC isn't even there. When DS10 was in dc, unless we'd built up what they called "vacation" days, we had to pay full-price each week. If he'd only been a part-time kid, he'd have needed a set schedule or pay for particular days, so they could do staffing. They always needed to know when we'd be in for holiday weeks, to know when to allow staff to take vacation also. If it's a personal babysitter (1-3 kids), this may also be their only income & they might have some rules about "if u're full-time, U pay full-time."

I'm glad you got to see OC, but I suppose since fWH was having back issues, that he depended on you to care for OC 100%? And, we too have had those 3-day weekends turn into a week before....I'm not surprised a "few hours" turned into 7 hrs.

About us: I keep hoping I have all the info, but never do. I feel like I don't know fWH @all. Is he the person he is now? Is he hiding his true self in an attempt to keep me around? WAS he someone different w/OW? I would really like to know how he reacted when he found out OW was finally pregnant after the "trying for a while" per OW. We have more $$$ now that DSs got a raise from SSD. I wonder if I should suggest MC? I honestly think fWH needs IC, but you cannot make someone do that. What is he hiding STILL, that he's so afraid of? I suspect each A was much longer than admitted & that his selective memory about whether he was trying to impregnate her while I was carrying DS10, makes me think that he only went NC for a while after A#1 & OW calling the house during my pregnancy was really a continuation of A#1 (EA & PA). Maybe he never really broke anything off.

How do you guys do it? Always having OW in your lives? Sometimes, it is much more than I can handle. Things had been going better for about 1 week now. This trigger thing about OC's birth & OW's pregnancy, really knocks me off my feet sometimes.

Altered, I am glad you got new ring (well, it redone). fWH is adament about me wearing my ring (even asked me to keep wearing if we S & D?). Even when I wanted a new setting instead of just resizing yet again (when I gained weight w/DS10), fWH got really upset that I'd want to get new band for engagement ring. We never had a wedding due to finances (only a quick ceremony in ILs mobile home w/MIL, me, fWH, & preacher)...I wish he'd have suggested renewing vows as part of R.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, March 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW: all wasn't bad about weekend. We woke up Saturday morning @2 a.m. & rented New Moon from Amazon.com. It was nice to spend some quiet time w/fWH. We both love vampire/werewolf movies.

We've also made executive decision about video games @home. 1-2 days/nights per week, we have banned video games at home. Thinking some of the kids' fighting stems from arguements about who's turn it is. We are also going to start going 2 dinner one night per week w/family. Now that DSs have $$$, we can afford to eat out. I think Thur night is best, but we went out Fri night instead. Very crowded. But, DS13, DS10, OC9 were pretty well behaved. Went to Ryan's & ate from megabar. I can honestly say, I didn't think much about OW while we were out as family. I'd love to go rollerskating w/kids once/week for health/fitness, but it's not very practical for us to go & fWH have to sit in lounge area in his wheelchair. Still pondering this family activity. Cannot wait for more good weather...would love to go 2 park on Sunday afternoons & just let kids play. I love talking w/fWH on a shady park bench.

fWH is planning on spending 1 evening @ILs visiting because he's concerned that ILs may be ill. This worries me some, as ILs aren't my best supporters. Very fearful of this. But, when MIL was making fun of fWH's always complaining about illnesses, I was @home supporting him. Don't think he'll ever be as-close to her as b4 those stupid comments were made.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 12:55 PM, March 22nd (Monday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, March 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, OC ran back from living room & hugged us both @bedtime last night. It's been a while since she did that. I was shocked actually.

OC was slacking this morning & DS10 was ready for school, I was running late, OC was lying in kitchen floor kicking @DS13 goofing off in her clean school clothes (don't know what that was about). Anyway, we have 10 min to get 2 school. I say "ready 2 go." OC says "I don't have my lunch made." fWH gave her $3 and we ran out door. fWH felt sorry for OC & actually got up and made her a lunch complete w/snacks and took it to elem. school. I think he's trying to win brownie points w/OC.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, March 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is really hard having contact with OW. BIL and IL's don't really see that it is uncomfortable, stressful for us. They all have boundary issues. We are trying to reinforce ours. BIL seems to think it's all before me why a big deal? IL's seem to think they won't bother you, so don't bother them, no problem. However, for me, it is a problem. Her kids want to come over to our house and play. Her and BIL have dropped in to check on FWH when his back was out. They seem to think we can all be friends, hang out etc. FWH and I are polite and try to keep our distance. FWH wants to get along for OC, but when OW tries to "shoulder cry" or get personal, FWH changes the subject back to OC. OW and IL's may think it's rude but really, it's necessary.

I think if we lived off the property, we would only have to see OW for PU and DO or the unavoidable family stuff. OW and BIL want to have a cookout for FIL for his Bday Sunday, but we have a circus ticket for COM and plan to go if FWH is feeling ok.

Friday, I had to work and FWH and FIL took care of OC. FWH could not get up with OC, sat holding him most of the time. FIL helped hold him when FWH had to get up, so luckily I did not have to care for OC, by the time I got home, OC was picked up. Sat, FWH's regular visit day, he hurt too bad to see OC.


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, March 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Altered,

Go 2 circus. You can stop by & see FIL to say Happy B-day anytime that day.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, March 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since fWH took OC her lunchbox, when she got home, he asked for his $3 back he'd given her to buy lunch. She told him "I need it." He said, what for? She told him that she has no $$$ in her lunch account @school and cannot get lunch Tuesday without $$$. fWH told OC to tell OW that she needed more $$$ added to her lunch account. OC said, "momma doesn't have any $$$ to give me."

Well, I'm sure OW would give OC $$$, but fWH took it the wrong way. He commenced to tell OC that she has been getting $266/month since January from fWH's disability & that her momma (OW) gets the checks. AND, that OC got backpay of $3204 in March and OC got a raise so starting in April, OCs checks will be $800/month. fWH told OC that if she needed anything for school or clothes or field trips, that OW has all of OC's $$$. OC said "if the $$$ is from you being disabled & not able to work, why does my momma get the $$$ instead of you?" OC is very perceptive. fWH told OC that social security thought that OW was the best person to decide how to use her $$$. That OC gets $$$ because normally your parents provide for all your needs & if fWH isn't able to work anymore, they know that until she reaches 18, that it will take extra $$$ to take care of her. She seemed to understand.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, March 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good on your FWH Repeat, put it back on OW. OW seems to play the poor pitiful me with OC, where OC caretakes for OW instead of the other way around. That has to be hard on OC, and unfortunately you and FWH deal with the fallout from it because OC is able to let it out with you guys.

I wonder if our OC will get that from OW, your dad abandoned me, etc. She is bad about bad-mouthing her XH's around her C. Hopefully not.

BIL and OW are talking about getting M. They have (for the record) been together since Feb, texting since 1/2. They have spent a week together and have never been out on a real date. OW is moving in 5/1. How screwed up is this? Oh well, not my business. OW is BIL's problem and he asked for her. I can only hope that he never finds out just how devastating A's can be, how infidelity destroys your foundation and makes you lose your faith in people as a whole. I hope they're happy because OW will make his life a living hell if she is not happy, just look at my past posts. I did tell FWH that COM was not going to be in wedding if there is one, but if FWH was asked to be best man (BIL would too)it was his decision.

We will see OC, we will carry on our lives, protect our M and build our boundaries. Wish me luck!


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
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